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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I V
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, March 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On my God, SoLost.
That must have been just awful. I can only imagine how awful, and for your little ones to witness this too.

You sound pretty shaken up (as you should). And I am sure the flashbacks arent helping any. Sending you big hugs across the ocean, Sweetie.

((((((((((SOLOST)))))))))

****

I went into instant survival mode & was thinking the worse case scenario. After he showed me everything I cried & cried. Its amazing how it can all come back SO quickly

I dont know how many times that has happened to me...and it sucks. It just takes a few words, and I would go into a hyperarousal state.
How are you doing now, Whatnow?
You know in a way, I think its positive that your H was able to express his concerns to you. Sex is a pretty sensitive subject and if you are the one at "fault", it is even more distressing.The fact that he was able to share his worries openly, showed to me a level of trust and intimacy, KWIM?
And its definetely something you both can work together on.
Here's hoping its just a phase!

***
DHAC,
You are putting way too much pressure on yourself.
I hate to say this, but calling this a "holiday" might be a bit optimistic at this stage. Your H is prob going to be on best behaviour....so LET HIM.
Let him do whatever it takes to help you get through this, 'cos DHAC, at the stage you are in, just his smile may be a trigger (lets hope not!)

Have you read "Not Just Friends"? There is a good section there on asking questions re the A.

Would you have internet there? Hopefully we will be able to hold your hand if you hit some rough spots. Like Miracle said

YOU make the rules YOU NEED
. One of the my sore points after dday, was the way I bent over backwards not to make H feel bad or awkward about what HE did...all at my expense. How I wish I could have done that differently....

****

Thanks Shirley and Miracle for the links, Will def check them out later but right now, DS is breathing down my neck for the laptop.

***
I am doing ok. Still cant sleep. Having bad dreams about the OW. Whereas before I would wake up hissing and spitting, now I feel just sad. Guess my brain is dealing with it.

Thank you for your thoughts.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
didnthaveaclue
♀ New Member
Member # 23327
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, March 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH2, Whatknow & Iwanta,

Thank you for the comments. I hope I will have access when he is not around.

I have asked many questions about the sex b/c as far as my case is concerned it seems to be mostly about the incredible sex he had with her.

I will look up the articles you recommended and print them off for some support while I am away.

I am nervous about the trip as I haven't seen him since mid January and as you said a smile or even seeing him might be a trigger, who knows.

I do know that a long distance R is very challenging. The plus side is that I have had time to think about me. I have looked at my husband and children and they all manage to find time for themselves so I have started scheduling 'my time'. It could be 45 minutes to exercise, or read a book or have a bath. I do not answer the phone, and if the children want something they now know they need to wait until I am finished doing whatever. The wonderful thing is they don't seem to mind one little bit waiting for me to finish. This is very new to me but I figure if he could find a day or 2 a week for 13 years to be with the OW I can have sometime for me.

It is amazing how liberating this has been.

WH admitted he was a 'deceiptful bas***d' I always thought I was good at murder mysteries and being observant and I said I couldn't believe I didn't know and that was his reply.

Hope you all have a good rest of the weekend.

This is a very caring club to belong to, even if none of us wanted to join.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Mar 2009
didnthaveaclue
♀ New Member
Member # 23327
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, March 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Losy heart 2,

Where is 'not just friends'

Have looked in 'healing library' but couldn't see it.

I did find Joseph's letter.

Thanks


Posts: 21 | Registered: Mar 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, March 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

solost, ((((HUGS))))
it sound like you truly had a day in hell....

dhac..."not just friends" is a book, its a very good book, it was good for me until they do the go to the before the affair part, that part in all the books makes me want to scream, because i don't have a before....lucky me...

"tribe", i am currently reading another debbie ford book, "spiritual divorce", the title freaked my wh out (slight bonus)...but if you substitute the word divorce with any other word that fits your situation it really is a good read.....even though most of us are not divorcing (at least right now) we are still experiencing and end to a marriage the way we thought it was, we are greiving for our marriages, good or bad none of us thought, dreamt or believed we would be betrayed the way we have, especially us on this forum.....so in a way it is like a divorce from the way the marriage was and or percieved....i started the book today and i am slightly more then halfway thru....yet another perspective that has given me some peace, (peace is a precious commodiity for me) its been a horrid week, complete with double, triple features of mind movies, a neverending stream of them....

(((HUGS))) to all

dhac...have your wh provide you with a laptop, it si the least he could do, you may need to reach out, we are always here at one point or another......posting is very cathartic, the release is almost like a dose of meds....
it must have been so hurtful to hear:

I have asked many questions about the sex b/c as far as my case is concerned it seems to be mostly about the incredible sex he had with her.

i do not even know how to respond to this, except to say SOMETIMES LIFE JUST REALLY SUCKS A MOOSE HEAD....

travel safe if u go before u post again....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, March 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PM coming for you Lost.
*********8

SoLost, what a frightening experience for all of you.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to drop in and say that I've been reading but not able to post lately because my sister has been put back in the hospital and it's been a real rollercoaster. Please keep her in your prayers.
I just wanted to let you all know that I have been thinking of each of you, and the newbies here, and I'm sorry that so many are going through such a rough time.
LH - sending you lots of hugs. I do hope this EMDR (?) is going to give you what you need even though it does seem to be very rough on you. You are one tough cookie. (((LH)))
SL - hugs to you too. That must have been so frightening. I hope this last episode motivates your H to take better care of himself.
I have looked at my husband and children and they all manage to find time for themselves so I have started scheduling 'my time'.

DHAC - This is so true. We tend to make time for everyone but ourselves and all we get in return is to be taken for granted. If this is one thing that you gain by having discovered your H's LTA, then IMO, that is a very good thing.
We will all be thinking of you when you go off to visit with your H. I do hope you are able to get some of the answers you need to start on your road to healing.
Hugs to all and wishes for a better week for all of us.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I am emotionally a wreck. Not much sleep, worried about checking on him. H seems okay. Mouth and wrist (not sure what happened) and back are very sore, otherwise fine. Between the gravity of it and the lack of sleep, I feel like I am on the edge of a breakdown,. but I know it will get better.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf my prayers are there....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf, many prayers said for your sister.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((Fnf))))))))

I heard that Coldplay song this morning and realisd we hadnt heard from you in awhile.
I am sorry about your sister. Giganormous hugs coming to you, Sweetie.

****
DHAC,
You can get it cheap off Amazon.Just click on the icon to the left on this screen. That way, SI gets a cut as well.

Losy heart 2,

Now was that a slip????
Did you mean Nosy??

****

BT,
methinks you sent that PM to my alterego, Lost Heart.You know, the old whiny tantrumy one???

The new one is SO not like that.

***
SoLost,
Has your IC mentioned EFT (emotional freedom techniques) to you.
I know I do wax on about this stuff, but it helps, esp when you are in red alert.
My IC homework tonight is to tap every morning for at least 15 minutes. Dont know yet where I am going to find those 15 min, but I trust her and I believe in what she is doing, so I will try hard.

The reason I mention this is that when you are feeling overwhelmed, just taking those few minutes by tapping into your body, can help alot in bringing you down, in grounding you, in calming your spirit.
Try some positive self talk as you do this. If thats hard, try visualising yourself being in a better frame.

Hope that helps, K.



LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
didnthaveaclue
♀ New Member
Member # 23327
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart2,

Sorry about that I will read my postings before I hit the button!

Very mixed emotions now that the trip is closer. Excited to be going over to see him, but very worried at about being with him.

My middle son has just returned from two weeks with him and has gone from not speaking to him to having a great time with Dad. I am mixed about this too. Part of me is pleased that he doesn't hate his Dad any more but, I am a little upset that he has forgiven him so easily. Am I being unkind?

The boys don't know the whole truth about the time and I still think that for them the detail is not that important. They have all the pain they need to cope with, this would be cruel.

Downloaded many articles for the trip and am planning on giving H a copy of Joseph's letter. I am hoping he will be more understanding after reading it.

Thank you for all your support and I know all I have to do is post when I am away if I get into trouble or need some advice.

Bless you all.xxx


Posts: 21 | Registered: Mar 2009
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((FNF)))))))

Huge hugs for you and I will keep your sister in my thoughts.

Sorry I have been lurking but not posting. H is on an extended business trip to Asia so I am single-parenting it .

DHAC - I am not sure if I welcomed you to our little corner of SI. Keep posting. You are getting great advice and, at some point when I have more time, I will chime in.

SoLost - keeping you and your H in my thoughts. Sounds like he handled it well. He knew it was triggering you and faced it straight on. Doesn't sound bad or foggy at all. Hope he, and you, are feeling better soon.

LH2 - thanks for holding up the fort here...


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. Iím back.

SoL Ė Wow, what a scary and triggery time for you. I hope this is not your H expecting you to see to his medical well being again. He HAS taken on the full responsibility now, hasnít he? Did this happen despite him taking every instruction to keep him healthy? But itís good that he has recognised the frightening effect it has had on you. Remember to take care of yourself too, there is only so much you can do. Take some time out for yourself today.

(((((FNF & sister))))) Feel so useless so far away. Sending warm healing hugs.

DHaC, there are plenty of books to help you. I would suggest staying with articles as you could find yourself a little overwhelmed with all the other help or advice books out there, the dip-in dip-out types are best for now. As for finding out details, start with the overall picture before examining the pixels. Once you know something, you canít unknow it. I have got to the level of detail that I am comfortable with. Part of me wants to know more, (her smell, taste, noises and things she said during sex, her favourite aperitif, favourite dessert, her underwear, what she did that he particularly liked, etc) but I canít see how it would benefit me. I hope you get the answers you want.

WN28, itís the triggers from out of nowhere that send you spinning. I hope H is okay with you looking at what he is doing at any time you want to. It just puts you back on full alert with all the negative emotions that go with it. As to the lack of interest in sex, Iíd suggest discussing the reasons why with him. Is he heading towards depression, do you think?

Hi shirley. Single parenting is the only way imo. ďYou canít go whinging to your father Ė and the answer is still NO!Ē. Thank god those days are over!!

The weekend went fine,I guess. Ttold MIL & FIL about the surgery (I didnít say anything until a certain point in the post-dinner conversation). Met up with my parents for lunch out and then afternoon tea. My mum paused, gave me a funny look and that was it. So I didnít tell her. They donít know about the A. I forgot my wedding ring (eeek!), but nothing was said (phew!). For goodness sake, Iím 51, WHY am I fretting about wearing a ring in front of my parents?!?? The two nights at the vineyard were lovely. Apart from the being-in-a-hotel bit. I even managed to enjoy most of it, batting away the mind movies and negative thoughts. Our room looked over the estate with its south facing undulating and picturesque landscape. The award winning food was wonderful. I allowed FWH to order some Champagne style wine, which I had refused since dday, so that was another baby step forward. Now that Iím done with the navel to neck strapping (hooray!) I wore some very fancy underwear just for ME, I took a couple of pretty dresses and some very high heeled shoes. But keeping ďthemĒ out was so hard. I used to luxuriate in being away in hotels. I wanted to say ďso, this is what it comes down to in our relationship Ė sex in hotel roomsĒ b/c thatís what it felt like and probably a conversation/row they had at some point. This is prob tmi, but we had sex when we got there, sex after dinner, again in the night, sex in the morning before breakfast, during a half hour siesta before the tour, again after dinner, during the night and then once more this morning!!! He said it was a wonderfully relaxing break. Well, how many times did he say the same to her? Maybe for him hotels = sex.

I am trying to reclaim things that MOW had no right to take from me. But having stolen them from me to give to MOW, FWH had no right to offer them back tarnished and broken, believing that it really didnít matter as long as I get them back. Itís just so hard to do some things when Iíd rather run away.

The A was not mentioned. His writing was not mentioned. The previous suspected A was not mentioned. The suspected A in 1992/93 was not mentioned. But the unresolved 2, 3 and 4 issues still need to be addressed. Not sure how to go about it, but I think it has to be tonight.

I found the article on the internet about Self Delusion. Iím posting it in Gen, if anyone wants a read.

Gotta go out and refill the fridge, freezer and store cupboards. Tsk!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I being unkind?

No. I cant imagine how you could feel any other way, at this time.

DHAC, Have you spoken to your IC about your apprehension about the trip. Maybe she can suggest ways to help you cope whilst there.

****

Ukg, it sounds like the weekend was a kind of success...you know with all that wine tasting and sex!

I know this sounds like the kettle calling the pot black, but do you think you could ease off on worrying what everyone else thinks...your IL's, your parents, the OW...anyone?
What about "What does UKg want?"..and really screw everyone else (no disrespect to your folks). You ARE 51. You have spent some half a century trying to please everyone else, be what everyone else wants you to be...when are you going to be what you want and do what you want?
If you could see what the world sees: a beautiful, smart, clever, funny woman ... believe in you, Ukg. If not now, then when?
Your H got to make love with this woman several times this weekend; he got to appear in public with her on his arm; he got to take her home...what a lucky lucky man!

****

Shirley,
Now that I have come to rely on H to share with parenting, I wonder how I managed before on my own.
Hope you are taking care of yourself, Sweetie.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukg,
I just read the article..ouch.
I wonder what it says about my current frame of mind that when I read stuff like that, that I still choke up.

You know which line gets to me the most: the one where he justifies both his LTAs; about how hard it was to live with me and that nobody knows how difficult it is being with me. He still says that on occassion...so at least he is consistent in that regard.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostH, I have beaten myself up over some of the ways WH was with me. Looking back and thinking how stupid was I. Please remember my line about how he turned around the fact was he didnít love me into his thinking that I didnít love him? Did he ask me? Nope. My bf did. Never mind the boys, theyíll be gone before too much longer Ė what about me and H, did I love him? My answer: I donít know. A defining moment and I think WH knew that when I got home. Somehow, he knew. Then he got off the fence and tried to get ďusĒ back. All the while making more ridiculous promises to her that he had no intention of keeping. Canít get my head round it. Guess Iím just too grounded and sensible.

You are not difficult, he has made the situation difficult. You were always dealing with ghosts. You are the most consistent, he undermines your confidence. Hugs hon. (((LostH)))

ETA, Canít help it. Iím a people pleaser. My mum will always be my mum. If I admitted to her about the surgery, sheíd say ďwhy are you mutilating yourself?Ē She said that when I had my ears pierced. She didnít believe in straight teeth (why does DS1/2/4 need orthodontic work?) or tanning treatments or massage or spa breaks. As for 5* hotels lying by the poolÖ.. self indulgence on a maaaaaasive scale! Conclusion: I could never please my mum (or my dad) so my life is made up from trying to make others happy. I am the sum of my not-so but a bit-fucked-up parents. At least theyíre not as fucked up as the ILís, who I can strangely relate to.

Iím getting too much into my head and foo crap. Gínight!!!

[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:48 PM, March 31st (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, April 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKG - just read the article....ugh! I just KNOW that is what he was doing/felt. It sounds like what he has tried to express to me. It also confirm why he can't remember a lot of the important details and we had to get them from "them". I am printing it out and saving it for him to read when he gets home.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, April 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It would seem that several BSís think itís a good idea for their WSís to read.

Predictably, I didnít tackle FWH about the other issues last night. I get the feeling heís getting pissed off with it all. Which just makes me retreat. Meet me on the corner by Lindisfarne came on the radio this morning. I asked him who the dreamseller was for him. The dreamseller features in his main poem as a sort of cloakish and sometimes dark figure. He has also referred to the dreamseller in texts to MOW. His response was ďOh God, weíre going to have a negative dayĒ

Should I just print it off and give it to him anyway? Weíve not been to MC for a very long time. I canít help thinking about FWHís bf (who UKg2 is Díing) whose first M broke up three years after the affair dday. I sometimes think if I had known just how bad all of this was going to be and how long it was going to take to arrive at reconciliation, I would have cut my losses and dumped him.

Let us know EOís take on it if he's prepared to voice his opinion.

BTW, in the song, the dreamseller is a drug dealer. Apt, eh?

[This message edited by UKgirl at 10:01 AM, April 1st (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, April 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Lost- I haven't sent ((HUGS)) after the medical incident with your WH. Hoping you don't have to go through that again and glad to hear your WH was understanding and supportive in regards to the associated trigger.


___________

Lost Heart- thanks for the reply. It is helpful to hear- to be reminded that it did take some honesty & openness from WH to share with me that he felt his sex drive was decreasing. We've talked about it a few times since and he said he was trying to more or less tell me he wasn't as interested in the midnight sex when he was overtired....and that his drive may be down a bit just from the fact that our sex life is good now and he no longer has to worry about how long he may have to wait before having sex again. Makes sense.


Are you still having frequent dreams about the OW? that's no fun.

__________

FNF- How is your sister doing? sending P&PT her way.

_____________

HS- When does your WH return?

__________

UKG- WTG on the sex during the trip. That had to have made it enjoyable.

____________


Has anyone read Passionate Marriage? My IC has mentioned it in session numerous times and I've started it. It was due back today (library) and I can't renew so i won't be able to finish it right away but it's been good so far.

__________

It's amazing that WH & I can do GREAT in our "normal" lives yet when aspects of the A come up....there seems to be no hope. I've been having pain during sex due to my IUD so I have an appointment scheduled for next week. I'm going to ask my Dr. to have it removed, then put back it to try once again (i've had it for 1.5 years with no pain, until recently). anyways....so, I've been dreading the discussion because I knew whatever answer WH gave me was going to be bad for me....but I finally asked him- "If I have to keep the IUD out for a while, what are we going to use for birth control?" Remember, he never used anything with either OW, yet has always been ultra planner, ultra careful with me- we used 2 forms of BC for years before having children. So, of course we started talking about what is different between the A (them) and me? He's adamant that he was "concerned" about BC with them too....but never did anything about it. I know that *I* just can't wrap my head around this....but *I* can't imagine not taking precautions against birth control- The consequence is a child- not losing a job, relationship, friendship, money, etc. etc. A child changes your life FOREVER. I don't know how a person can just "lose" that reality. It's a big deal...and seems to be a big concern about us not getting pregnant- but not OW. Don't get it. don't get it. Don't get it. (How many times have we all said that one?)

[This message edited by Whatnow28 at 6:28 PM, April 1st (Wednesday)]


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, April 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HS- When does your WH return?

Weeeelllll....I am sorting hoping that my *WH* never returns!! My *FWH* is due back very late Friday night! He is in Asia which is a trigger unto itself but he did call to tell me he knew it was a trigger, he recognizes that his travel causes me pain and that he is not up to anything. Even if he was, i would never know and there is nothing I could do about it. I just have to be comfortable that I will know when it is time to go or time to stay.

Let us know EOís take on it if he's prepared to voice his opinion.

I will. I emailed it to him. He is being shepherded around Beijing by his office manager there so not a lot of free time.


The consequence is a child- not losing a job, relationship, friendship, money, etc. etc. A child changes your life FOREVER. I don't know how a person can just "lose" that reality. It's a big deal...and seems to be a big concern about us not getting pregnant- but not OW. Don't get it. don't get it. Don't get it. (How many times have we all said that one?)

Yep, been there, done that. He DID get one of the LTAs preggers. Luckily she wanted an abortion. The second LTA was on BC so he didn't have any responsibility on that one. Geez, they don't think about STDs either and my H was fucking everything that moved but never thought that it would "happen" to him. I can't believe it didn't!!!

You know which line gets to me the most: the one where he justifies both his LTAs; about how hard it was to live with me and that nobody knows how difficult it is being with me. He still says that on occassion...so at least he is consistent in that regard.

(((((LH2))))) You do understand that if he is still saying that then he is still projecting. Read the article again and put your H in the place of someone who has never been through severe intervention. That allows him to continue to blameshift and project. No wonder he is depressed. He is constantly having to shove down demons back into his subconcious because he has not dealt with them head on.

((((LH2))))

BTW, UKG, that's a lot of sex!!! I'm jealous.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

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