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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I V
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, February 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me again.

A cheese sauce is a basic white sauce with loads of grated cheese chucked in.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Ruthie
♀ Member
Member # 5476
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, February 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question to ask you guys.

When were you able to finally hear what your WS had to tell you about how they hurt themselves etc by having their affair.

I don't mean listen to the words, I mean really truly hear them.

Couple of weeks ago H and I were talking and he once more tried to *tell* me how he got hurt in all this sorid mess. It has taken me 4+ years but I actually heard what he was saying. Passed the words but to the meaning.
Afterwards, I told him that I know I was incapable to hearing him before this time. And I felt badly about that. He told me he was scared that I wouldn't be able to really listen but he felt he needed to try again to tell me. And then he said I had absolutely nothing to feel badly about, he was the one who created the situation I was just reacting to his creation.


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-Mark Twain-

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Ontario
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, February 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((LH))) OH, honey,that is a whole lot of junk to deal with. And I wonder if several of your symptoms are not simply stress...much related to your H's depression. You are doing the right thing getting it all checked out. And be worried...b/c then maybe you will be wonderfully delighted when it is nothing serious!

OK, FREAKING out here. I checked H email. I have been in a foul mood today. Maye I have some intuition. H even offered to take son to piano so I could just relax. And he made dinner.

Anyway, there is anemail from HER that he has not seen yet. The first long one. All about how she loves him. Doesn't know if he'll read this but she has to let him know she doesn't hate him. Her behavior has been hateful (???). blah blah blah. Went on a field trip with her daughter and our friend was the teacher and she hung out and talke with him. Thought about telling him so many things but didn't.

That friend is daughter's Godfather...the one friend (with his wife) that knows about the affair. How does she know him?? I guess her daughter goes to the school so my H mentioned that he teaches there.

Anyway, this is IT. If he doesn't tell me this today, then it will be over. There is nothing left. We have counseling tomorrow. I'll know in the morning if h read it or not.

This is truly it.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, February 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH2-, Wow, I'm not sure where to begin other than offering ((HUGS)). How old is your son? Sounds like how my WH blows out steam by saying a hundred things he doesn't mean.... Is your WH willing to do anything for himself to help his depression? Would it help if you attempted to motivate him by talking to him about how his life would be improved in specific aspects if he were able to feel better about himself? I think taking that angle can be a double edged sword sometimes- it can either make people feel hopeless that they can't change and are missing out on so much...or other times may awaken someone to see that something positive can return. Good luck.


___________

When were you able to finally hear what your WS had to tell you about how they hurt themselves etc by having their affair

Are you talking of the remorse/guilt/long term effects of the A, pain they're caused, etc? I'm curious to specifically what areas you are saying that he was hurt from.


________

((HUGS)) So Lost. Reading your post makes me angry at OW....and then I would have all those emotions/anxiety regarding what your WH is going to do. I really truly hope he's learned enough that he can and needs to tell you about this...and that he will understand it will be okay & BETTER for him to do that. How many chances can we give them to "figure it out", yk?

__________

WH & I have been okay. Last week in IC I talked about how much stress & anxiety I have as a result of WH's OCD tendencies, constant stress, on the go to do, do, do...and whatever he does has to be perfect. It kills me when he watches the kids 2 days/week and is overwhelmed half the day and no one is benefiting from that situation- the kids are feeling his stress & negativity and he's feeling shitty. So, a similar theme came up last night when WH & I attempted to play a game. WH wins EVERYTHING. He is OVERLY competative and I'm the oppostite about life & a game. I came carefree- you konw, I work, I budget, I clean the house, etc. etc. but I don't stress to the max about everything like WH does. I don't stress about money non-stop...if 1 of us loses a job then we'll deal with it....the other day we had a leak from the roof and WH went on & on about how it was going to cause thousands of dollars of damage and of course it ended up being nothing. So, back to my example from last night- when I play a game...I don't go out of my way to be hurtful in the game- even if it's totally within the game rules, I just play my game to get ahead but don't take others down in the meantime, but WH is the exact opposite. So, we'll play a game- he'll go out of his way to destroy how I'm playing, and will always win so I get f'in pissy and hate playing games with him. I pretty much decided last night that we shouldn't even go there. I just wish he would give up some of the 100% of everything- he has to overdo everything...except care for him family, wife...except for not being selfish.

So, I went to bed really upset because this is his personality and I'm SO different and i don't know if I can/want to live with the stress/anxiety of it all. IC wants to figure out why it stresses me out so bad- I think it's the feeling of everything else gets 100% priority & effort except me & his family. I try to remind him what's important- spendign time with his kids when they're young, having quality time, not driving your stress level up so much that he's gonna have a heart attack. Who cares if the lawn isn't mowed perfectly every week, who cares if the driveway isn't snowblowed perfectly with angled edges, who cares if the lightswitches have 1 up & 1 down, who cares if you lose a game...it's supposed to be fun to play- but it's not for me...he thinks he does have fun even when he's 100% competative...but that's it, we're just different.

The other aspect of this is our children- I don't want them to live with the constant stress, negativity, and feeling like nothing is ever good enough like i feel.

One more story of my long post.....About 2 weeks before D-day, OW#2 went outside with us to snowblow our driveway. She had never done it before and I was teaching her. She had been doing it for about 5 minutes when WH came right over to correct her, and do some of it himself. OW#2 got super upset & stormed into the house. I feel the exact same way. I want to give up, not bother, not connect with him when he's like that. He doesn't necessarily see it as a big issue....doesn't believe that he HAS to have it a certain way but has a "reason" as to why it would be better a certain way. AGH


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, February 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Geez...I forgot today's continuation of my story...sorry to continue on.


I started talking to WH this morning after our discussion last night about our "differences". Turns out he wasn't in a good mood- I stated that I thought I should let him go because it didn't seem like he was in a good place to have a productive conversation...he said he was okay but within 2 minutes he started going off on me about me wanting him to be perfect, and how I wait for him to screw up so I can nail him....SSSSSSoooooo- I hung up on him. Then, within 10 minutes I sent him a text and said, I would like to hear what concerns you have- but I will NOT do so now or in this manner because all it causes is 2 days of picking up the mess after I feel insulted and he's supposedly said things he doesn't mean. So...hanging up on him actually seemed to work out okay. I'm feeling a little empowered too!

[This message edited by Whatnow28 at 8:40 PM, February 10th (Tuesday)]


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoah So Lost.
That woman's freeking nerve!

I am so so hoping your H does the right thing; that he has learnt from that last email/stethoscope incident.
Keeping you in my thoughts.

***
Whatnow,
This is embarassing to say but some of your H sounds like me - the wanting everything to be right and perfect and stressing about it.

HAs he explored this in IC? I am still looking into this but so far I can see it goes all the way back to my early childhood and I am betting the same for your H? Overly punitive parents? high expectations? No room for failure? Lack of control in the overall world (due to stuff like domestic violence, marital discord, child abuse etc) and therefore trying hard to control the little world (family and home)? Fear of failing... deep deep fear that over-rides everything else? the list goes on..

And one of the traits of H that drew me to him was his apparent laissez faire attitude (of course I now see that way differently ).

And btw my son is almost 13.

***
Ruth, I think I have been ready to listen to my H about 1.5 years past dday but he is not ready to face himself.
I am interested to hear what your H has to say if you are able to share.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey i lied, still bothering you and i said i wouldn't, for all i know you dread everytime you hear from me......don't know if you will read this. but it needs to be said, so at least i tried. of course i am still hurt about how everything went down and greatly disappointed.....no excuse for my behavior though. my behaivor has been hateful. when i found out the stethoscope broke.....i wanted you still to have it. i even considered buying you a new one, but i guess thats not very healthy now is it, lol.
no matter how much you hurt me, i still love you. i guess i always will. why can't you just shut love off when the other person goes away and doesn't want you????? well, i know it feels yucky to still have someone that wants you, when you don't want them..... i have been in that situation too. so sorry that (if you read this) that i made you uncomfortable, i am just trying to get over myself and get on with life....(i know your thinking, oh my gosh, she's still trying to do this?) i think possibly the way i love is not very healthy for me. look how long i stayed with (exhusband), and he treated me pretty badly at times. and after the way things went with you and i, why in the world would i still even give you the time of day?

i have rambled long enough. i just wanted to tell you, its better for me to know that you know that i really don't hate you, it makes me sleep better at night. .....oh, i went on a field trip with (daughter)..........hung out with (H's best friend) some, had conversations with him. he's a great teacher, not that I would of every truly done this but i thought in my mind as i sat there talking to him .... would be funny to see his face if i said... well, you know there are many things i could of said.


That's the email. So she's crazy, right?

He came immediately upstairs and woke me up when he read it. Printed it out for me to read. I don't think he got what a big deal it was. I needed to talk adn he wanted to go back and play on the computer.

He saw me tear up though and came back. I was just frustrated and said it's been a freaking year and a half, she needs to just get over it.

He made the ENORMOUS mistake of saying, well, that's like telling you to get over it. I had a long term relationship with her as well as you.

Are you freakin kidding me???? Are you defending her?????

He said he wasn't, he was just trying to explain. Then got a bit defensive.

I think he seriously wanted ot fix things, to explain, and he was trying to do that. I don't think he was really defending her, from the other stuff he said. He agrees she's crazy. he never thought she would keep doing this.

Thankfully we go to MC today.

((((WN)))) Hugs, but I think you ended up handling things so well in the end!

Ruthie..I am sooo not there yet. lol. I think I am still in the spot where he caused all this bullshit and I wish he woudl step up and fix it.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and H is going to talk to his best friend and make sure he knows who she is. I can see her crazy ass befriending them to get to my H. Sick.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost,

Well, he got it half right. I'm glad he told you, but I would have lost it on having him try to make my marriage equivalent to the affair relationship. That's freaking nonsense. When you are calm you probably need to see whether he views the two relationships as equal. If he does, we can all come up there and help you re-arrange his thinking.

************
Lost,

Do I remember right that son is 12-13? If so, you might want to hold on. That was the beginning on my sons' break for independence and it is a pretty rough period.

My sons got mouthy, obnoxious and downright rude on occasion. It is the time when they are breaking away and establishing themselves as people in their own right and they all seem to do that by disparaging their parents to one extent or another. I read a psychologist who described being parent to a child of that age as being like the tree that the growing lion sharpens their claws on.

If he has been particularly close to you, you will be the focus of his breakaway. That hurts, I know. Your baby who you loved so much and had such a close bond with you suddenly seems to hate you. He doesn't really, but neither he nor you will know that unfortunately for a few years.

If your home has seen a lot of conflict and some rough language between you and H, your son will likely use pretty rough language, too. That was the case for me and it was often embarrassing and just very hurtful. But you learn to pick your battles with it. He needs to express himself and you need to have some peace. It's a balance.

With my first son, I let him really rile me up and I made the mistake of engaging him in much the same way as he engaged me. By the time the second got to that age, I had learned better self-control and I was able to calmly respond when he was out of line. I tried my best to always hear what he was saying, but not to allow him to be rude or ugly. When he was, I often walked away. But sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I just stood and listened because I know that he needed that.

I did give both my sons the opportunity to talk to a counselor/therapist during this age and both took me up on it. Mainly, I wanted them to understand that the mixed up, angry feelings that they had inside were normal and would end.

One thing I have read is that those kids who have a tough passage through adolescence and who do really separate thoroughly from their parents are much less likely to suffer a mid-life crisis in their 40s-50s. It seems that folks really need only one good rebellion in their life.

I hope everything turns out OK with the medical stuff. I am convinced that the stress of these LTAs affect our bodies in terrible ways. I'm praying that this is nothing serious for you.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for taking your time to read my story and responding.

BT,
This is a huge shock for me. He has been stroppy in the past year but still decent. So much of anger (and it felt like hatred) poured out of him, that it stunned me.

He is ok now...I guess I need time to recover.
One of the reasons for his anger was that I had refused for him to go to a friend's house (I dont know this child or his family)until I met the parents. Who knows who they could be? And one of the reasons for my fight with H on sat night was that he thought I was being too over protective over DS and should let him go where he wants; that I was bringing my work home by having these thoughts and that the world and normal people werent all bad. mmmmm....

So anyway DS tells me today that his friend's parents want to meet me cos they wont let him come to a stranger's house either. ha!
I explained to him (again )why parents HAVE to do this and its not just me.
Dont know what it says about H though.

This morning on my way to work I heard "Baby Baby" by Amy Grant. That was my song for DS when he was a baby. I remembered the time when I found out I was pg and how H and OW#1 used to carry on, the dday then (even though I didnt know that it was), the subsequent premature labour, and all that crap. And all through that just holding onto my unborn baby praying every day that he will be fine, and the first time I saw him...
I used to sing him Baby Baby and mean every word. After I brought him home, H became even more distant as he and OW went underground (how dare I ruin their plans!)and my boy got me through each and every day.

Gosh...I dont know if I am ready for him to grow up so fast like this.
Still I know I have to become a strong healthy well balanced mature man.

***
SoLost,

OW mentioning the friend seemed almost like either she was trying to make your H jealous or trying to scare him by threatening to tell.

Your H's reaction was stupid. Defensive and just plain stoopid.

You hang in there, Sweetie.I hope your MC gives him what for.

***

Ok Tribe...Vday is coming up.

Remember our party last year?

Are we on again for this year?


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok Tribe... Vday is coming up.
Remember our party last year?
Are we on again for this year?

I don't recall a party? I know last Feb. 14 that I went for dinner with FWH and an associate from out-of-town. I may have been absent from SI due to the time frame.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm looking forward to a V-day party! What are we making for drinks?

SoLost- WTG on your WH making some progress. Minus the other "stuff" that was said- I hope it made you feel confident that he is beign honest & transparent.


__________

HAs he explored this in IC?


LH2- I know we've talked about some of the aspects of this in MC- About the need for him to "let go" of some of his "stuff" and to be able to focus more on me & the family. His IC has been wanting for him to choose a direction to work on and he wasn't sure where to head and I'm not sure they ever decided. I feel like he has so many areas to work on- and he feels pressured to be 100%...as long as he's making progress and trying than I am happy. (I think)

He has been stroppy in the past year but still decent. So much of anger (and it felt like hatred) poured out of him, that it stunned me.


Remember, parents are super dumb to teenagers. hopefully he was able to reflect when the other parents had the same standard.


__________

I had IC today- Told her about me hanging up on him & she was pleased that I was able to set a limit with him. She wanted to hear about our interaction early on in the relationship and sometime talked about how she sees our interaction as 2 people caring very much for each other but not neither feeling validated from the other.

So, after work I took DS to visit WH for a few minutes. The conversation with him and 2 other people turned to sexual joking...which was fine until the co-worker we're friends with made a comment like (referring to semen) "I try to tell them (women) it's face lotion." To which WH laughed a lot and it was a big ol trigger for me. Not only because that's the 1 f'in thing that OW#2 would do that I won't...but also that I just don't enjoy joking when it's bragging about sexual relations with women. It seems all macho/power/controlling... like he was bragging about sleeping with a bunch of women- yet this guy is married & we're friends with him wife & child. I don't think WH would ever say something like that in front of me, but it bothered me. If it was a joke just about sexual stuff in general I don't think it would have been so bad- but it's the bragging about being with other women that I don't find humorous.


How do you guys deal with sexual joking? Would you have been irritated in this situation, or is it just my issue?



ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So anyway DS tells me today that his friend's parents want to meet me cos they wont let him come to a stranger's house either. ha!
I explained to him (again )why parents HAVE to do this and its not just me.
Dont know what it says about H though

Is it wrong that this makes me happy? rofl. I love that both boys (H and ds) saw that you were clearly right! And I really think husbands just do not think of any of the things that we moms think of in terms of protecting our kids. God knows what would have happened to mine if it had all been left to H's judgement.

MC was ok today. Somewhat short b/c the one therapist was late. She apologized, but then the other therapist had a client come and so both were there for 30 minutes or so together. The rest was kind of bs time.

They did not condone H's reaction. Tried to understand it and make him understand why it was wrong. He got defensive in the office again. Even his therapist said, "Look, you're even losing me." H just told him to say what he thought then so the IC did.

My IC mentioned that she was concerned that we were taking 6 steps forward and 12 steps back. That if we weren't going to both work and follow the rules set up then maybe it wasn't working. I need to talk to H about that tonight.

They also said they got the impression that he didn't really want 'this' (our marriage) by the way he was acting. So willing to just delete the email adn do what he wanted and not what was necessary for the marriage. Maybe they're right.

I also asked them about writing back via email to the ow. They said absolutely no to H. They saw no problem with me getting my one good 'rip her a new one' (their words lol) in but then that would need to be it. They also thought neither of us should put much energy in to that. I asked H what he thought and he said he was fine with whatever made me feel better.

Any thoughts on what to write??

My off hand thoughts...

Would you just go away already?! H has made it very clear he does not want to be with you , does not love you. He has made it very clear to me that he does want to be with me and does love me. He is married with a family. You are a moral-less (is that a word??) home wrecker. He has told me everything and tells me about every call, every email. LEAVE US ALONE. Do not call, restricted or otherwise, do not email, do not try to contact in anyway. You are not wanted.

edited for horrible spelling. lol

[This message edited by So Lost at 5:46 PM, February 11th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I might also add....

(Best friend) is aware of everything that has happened and has been a wonderful support system. He was disgusted to learn who you are.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't recall a party?

LostSuol, a bunch of us met here on Vday at a specific time. It was beautiful. A time to honour ourselves. Check it out a few (100!) threads ago.

***

I feel like he has so many areas to work on

He, like most WSs, probably has.
One of the hardest things for me to do, was (is!) to give my H some space for him to heal himself.
Your Hs issues can be dealt in IC, and will directly improve his way of relating to you.
Half the battle for him (actually for all if us) is to WANT to change.
Good for you for drawing your line in the sand, WN.

***
SoLost,
I know you do joint MC but couldnt one C start without the other? Seems like a waste of time waiting for one to show up. Surely the other could have done something in that time.

Letter to OW...mmmmm.
Her letter begged a response and the greatest slap would be to ignore her like the pathetic nobody she is.

However, if you have to write one , how about:
OW, your attempts to insinuate yourself in our lives again are pitiful and pathetic. WE wish to leave that bad episode behind us and concentrate on our marriage and our future together. Please leave us alone.
Mr and Mrs SoL.

And send it from his email (with you cc'd?)


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, he did get started without her but then when she came it was disruptive. This was the first time it was ever a problem. And they squeezed us in to that time slot, so I think that played a part.

I liked your email. I want to tell her off a bit more though. lol. And I want to tell her how (best friend) knows and is disgusted by her. Her daughter goes to school adn is in his class. She will have to go to parent/teacher conferences and such. I love that that will make her squirm and be uncomfortable. He (best friend) is very close to us as is his wife and I would have no doubt would totally stand up for me given the chance.

I also want the email (if I even send one--leave her checking her email obsessively for a few days) to showthat I am a person. I am real adn you have f-ed up my life with your thoughtless behavior. She told H she woudl never confront me. Then I want to have one chance to be in her face, say what I want.

Worked today. It sucked. Cut backs and schedule adn pay adn all are all anyone talks about. Gets stressful. But ow no longer works there. Woohoohohoo! lol That makes it worth it!

H was looking at flowers on line to order and deliver. I know, I don't mind a ruined surprise. He didn't order though. I got happy adn then had the thought...maybe he was ordering fr her. I know that wouldn't be true...but there it s again, rearing it's ugly head into my business. I hate affairs.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...but there it s again, rearing its ugly head into my business. I hate affairs.
{{{SoLost}}} I can't agree more! Things can be going great but there are still the 'triggers' of "what if?" and past behaviour that pop up when you least need them. KWIM?
With V-Day coming up and then FWH going out of town for a week and anti-v day #2 just past... I'm already feeling tense.

About V-day here: is there a 'mid' time that is good for all the zones we are in?

How do you guys deal with sexual joking? Would you have been irritated in this situation, or is it just my issue?
WN28: that sounds really gross to me. And for your WH to join in laughing sounds disrespectful given your situation. But that's me and my FWH still receives off-colour jokes via email from men and women (who he works/ed with) that make me ill. When I ask him why he gets these from women/why these women think it's ok to send him such crap, he says "I don't know". Oh... I could really vent but I'm trying to stay positive.
{{{LTA}}}

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Valentine's has hit me.


I was triggered this morning when I went into Target, one of OW#2's favorite shopping places and it would have been a good time to see her since she gets our of work early AM. Didn't help that I was buying Valentine's stuff for the kids....was fine through the day and then somehow this evening got triggered thinking about that f'in letter he wrote to her last year for V-day stating they had had a "great 2 years". I can't believe he could positively reflect upon something so horrible, so supposedly guilt provoking. Then somehow I had almost forgotten about the "group sex" he had a week after V-day 3 years ago now. Why does it seem so much worse that my birthday is 6 days after V-day? I don't know how this man could walk back into my house every day after fucking someone else. How do you come home to your wife and celebrate her birthday when you've had a 3-some recently? How is that possible? How did I marry a monster?

You know, the funny thing is- I believe him when he says he didn't plan on having the 3-some and that it was so very awkward & non-enjoyable...but he still did it and it still barely phased him to come home day after day... he continued to have an A for 2 years afterwards so it couldn't have been too bad, eh? AND, I believe him that he wasn't necessarily even enjoying their "2 years" like he said in the letter- I believe he probably was trying to make her feel not so used....but it still sucks, and how do I ever really know...and he still did it all. AGH.


And then....I'm having a pity party for myself again because WH is working for V-day. I didn't necessarily want to do anything yet somehow I'm allowing myself to be let down because he's not catering to me. He's working all day tomorrow which is super stressful because my Dad will be watching our kids, he's working all day Saturday, home Sunday day and then working an overnight Sunday night. And he keeps asking me stuff like, do you want the camera for your birthday? Do you want V-day cards from the kids? Why does he have to ruin any possibility of enjoyment of a holiday? Instead I always know what I'm getting if anything- know that he waits until the last minute and sometimes then doesn't get a chance to get to the store.

I need to stop, I need to go to bed. Pity party over. AGHAGH AGH


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, February 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi tribe. Just checking in to let you know that I知 back home and everything went as expected. I知 pretty battered and bruised, but H has been v attentive and I知 just doing as I知 told which is to rest. All reading is blurry and an effort, so I値l catch up when I致e had the stitches out of my eyelids, which値l be Monday.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, February 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh WN.

I am so sorry you are slipping, Sweetie.
You know what, as much as it sucks, sometimes we just cant rely on them (WS) to help us up. It would be great of they did, but if you feel you are slipping too fast and he is not, please please take a big breath, dig deep and hold yourself, KWIM?

I get you on the monster bit. There are times, even now, when I look at H and wonder "WTF?"

Try to find some time for yourself this weekend. If you can handle them ( ), take your kids out somewhere fun. Sometimes just being with them cn tke your mind off the crap.

(((((((WN))))))
Btw, I also thought that "joke" was awful. And knowing that it was a trigger for you, his response just stank!

***
SoLost,
Maybe your H is just plain scared on whether to celebrate tomorrow or not. You know, damned if you do and damned if you dont.
I hope that he does and if you do get upset, that he lets you get the toxins out and then hold you tight afterwards whispering how sorry he is and how much he loves you.

I think the time we all agreed on last year was my 9pm which made it your 3pm? Or something like that...
It being a Saturday, I wonder if it would be feasible though as it is generally quiet here on the weekends.

Thoughts people?


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
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