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Newest Member: Mysurvival (43128)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I V
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GTMI, I wouldn't worry about analyzing the fears right now, just list them. And List them as specifically as possible.

Like instead of saying only that I fear he will stray again, start with that and break it down even more by saying if he does, what will happen. Your answer might be that I'll have to leave him. So, now you know you fear having to leave (or divorce) or failing. So what if you have to leave him, what happens next. Well, I'll be alone and no one else will want me. So now you've identified two other fears for a total of four in all.

See what i mean?


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
brightbeauty
♀ Member
Member # 22646
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to SI. My WS has been on a while and has finally convinced me to join. He had a 6 year affair with a coworker, "friend" of ours. When I saw the LTA thread I figured this would be a great place to start.


Me-BS
Him-FWS,Darkbeast
Married-13years
2 Children-10&3
6 year affair
DDay-March 19-21,2008
RDay-March 21,2008
Psalms 31:10,14-15

Posts: 341 | Registered: Jan 2009
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome BrightBeauty. We are all sorry that you find yourself here but you will be surrounded by wonderful people who have walked in your shoes. The advice and hugs will help you get through this ordeal. Feel free to chime in when you want. Let us know your story when you are comfortable. BTW, you are dealing with not just an LTA but also a "double betrayal" if a "friend" was involved. Several here are recovering from that as well.

((((BrightBeauty))))


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
gaspingforbreath
♀ Member
Member # 19820
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Hurt,
So do you think this is something that may pass? I Really want to move on but feel like I'm stuck in mud, kind of like I'll pull out abit and then feel like I'm sinking deeper and don't know if that's the sign that I will never move on or just another phase. It is very consuming and even though I feel like I've read all the books and know all the tricks to try to pull myself out sometimes it just doesn't work and then you question yourself if this is the way it's always going to be. I see the posts of the posters that are much farther out, some doing very well, some not well at all. So what do you think determines it? That WE eventually just have to make up our minds to try to keep pushing through. I feel that I'm doing that, but I keep dwelling on everything that happened between them and then I fall into the big black hole.


Hoping everyday will get alittle easier.
BS 49
WS 50

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gasping...first, there is no "right" or "wrong" way to do this. We are all on the rollercoaster from hell and there is no jumping off. I have been here long enough to know that what we are experiencing is normal. It sucks, but it is normal. I am 17 months out and I will so down last weekend that I just wanted to run away (I have a vent a few pages back about it). Anyway, FNF helped pull me out. Sometimes it just take time (that four letter word on SI), sometimes it takes work (reading a book, IC, MC, a dedicated weekend with H, etc), sometimes there is some kind of breakthrough. I do know that my lows now are not as completely and uttertly debilitating as they were a year ago but they suck enough to want me to just explode. Obviously, having a completely remorseful FWS makes a huge difference.

The advice I received is baby steps, one day at a time, work on yourself, take care of yourself, clearly define your boundaries and communicate the ramifications to all if they are violated, journal, post here...they all help in there own way. What works the best for me is exercise; anything from simply walking the dog to one hour sweat fest. I play a competitive sport even as a middle-aged lady. I play matches weekely with women who are 15 - 20 years younger and I kick their ass. Kinda helps with the self-esteem, KWIM?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone.

I dont know whether its because I went cold turkey on my antideps in Dec, or because there are some stuff which have gone really wonky with my body, or because H is sinking deeper into his depression...but I havent been doing well lately.

My IC said she thinks its because "life" is settling into normality and that I am missing some of the adrenalin rush of the rollercoaster.
I dont think so.

Little gashes of history have been bursting into me and leave me breathless. I dont want to go into them so I tell myself that "this story doesnt have to happen" and I mentally walk, no run, from those memories.
But they keep popping up, past past history and recent history.
Like the times after my son passed on but I would still hear him crying at night; or the times H and OW#1 would giggle and whisper in the corner and I, as a young v naive bride, would ache with pain and confusion; or the time when the ambulance drove me away with the kids looking on after my OD; or the time H said of OW#2" She was my girlfriend. I loved her. I thought she love me too."; or the time H said, "My biggest mistake which I will regret till the day I die, was marrying you!"; or the time all 3 kids were crying and begging during the ngiht before we were due to leave on our holiday and he told them that he was not coming with us, and the second clincher, that he loved mummy and his girlfriend just like how they loved mummy and daddy, or....
I could go on and on.

But I run away cos I just cant deal with any of it. So I zip it up and carry on.

Last night he told me how he didnt like his life, how he didnt have any plan on how he wanted to spend his life and how he would just carry on as he is till he dies. What kind of a life is that, I asked him? Dont you have dreams, aspirations, mot just for yourself but for the children, for our family. He replied that he just didnt think about stuff like that. He didnt know what he wanted.

One of the main causes of his hatred towards me which he brought up in MC,w as that I was in charge of our lives predday; that he had no say in anything that we did and that I was extremely controlling, and how he went along (reacted)to my decisions, even though he didnt agree.

I later figured out that on the outside it seemed as if I was in control, but I wasnt really. Yes, I sorted out the normal everyday stuff of our lives..medical, social, educational etc aspects. There was no choice...he adamantly refused to get involved and I got on with it. However, he controlled our finances and I had to ask for money (with justification). He really pulled the strings from behind in everyhting that he did and didnt do.

I dont even know what I am saying here, or why I am even thinking these thoughts.

Its been 2 years. i should let them go. i want to let them go. sometimes i think i have some of them..but then lately....

***
FSA,
Pernicious
Malevolence

Gutter
Bawd


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks BT, I will try that. That makes perfect sense. How do I go about letting the fears go after identifing them?

Fear is nothing more than - False evidence appearing real, I've seen this and heard it but can't make it apply to my situation. KWIM?


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my perfect world (which in there this never would have happened) I would never have found out and H would have stopped the A and we would have not ever have had to fight this battle.

I feel this way also wholeheartedly. I wish I never knew and life could go on. But now that I know, I have to face it and work through it and that sucks.

I hear you all sort through your emotions and it hits me in the face how in all our different circumstances, we are facing the same demons.

(((LH2))) It interesting, because I have been going down hill as well. Wondering if I need ADs. But not planning to go on them. I relive all these moments and just feel part of myself dying inside. I do think I crave a bit of that roller coaster of right after it happened. When it was in the forefront for both of us, b/c now he seems to have moved on and here I am stuck with it all. And it comes back and the most random times. I feel like I can't breathe and my stomach hurt and it's awful. I long for the day when that will stop.

I have realized I do not want to live in this affectionless marriage as it is. Yet I don't know how to ask for it. I mean, on the short term I do. But it never lasts. I have not initiated sex in 19 weeks and so we have no had it. Well, he initiated once but it had been 16 weeks and I was so dead to it all by then I said no for the first time. There is no snuggling on the couch or any of that. No hugs form behind while I make dinner. Nothing form before. There is a kiss goodbye or hello and a kiss goodnight. He will lie with me when I go to bed (he goes several hours later) if I ask. I just don't know how to ask so that it happens for the long term. My ego will only allow me to ask for so much at this point. I am thinking of writing a letter.

I am also thinking of telling H to come read hear. But that takes away a bit of my safe haven so I am not sure.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH, I have no advise, just want to offer (((LH)))

I don't remember a stamp on the bottom of my foot when I was born that said my life was going to be easy, but SHIT, It didn't say how hard it was going to be either!

Sometimes, it's just moment by moment, hour by hour (my day today) or day by day.

Now, this minute i'm going to adopt the motto of Scarlett O'hara - Laaa Dee Dahhh, tomorrow is another day

Tomorrow I can stick to my guns, pat myself on the back, when dh doesn't - I don't need his stinking praise! Nor, I guess does he need mine.

ETA: Oh Shoot! I feel like a thread killer!

[This message edited by Going To Make It at 6:48 PM, January 28th (Wednesday)]


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GTMI just didn't want you to feel like a thread killer.

I've been lurking the last couple of days. I've been keeping busy. I went for a little retail therapy with a GF and we had a great time. And I've been doing alot of yard work. I've got tons of leaves. I can't seem to get all of them raked up!!! Haven't called IC yet, and I may not. I wanted to go and see her about learning to trust again. But H lied to me yesterday morning, nothing big just one of his normal avoidance lies. So I feel like IC right now would be a waste of money. I'll never learn to trust as long as he can continue to lie to me. Nothing A related and no big deal really, but a lie is a lie. Damn he's got a thick skull!!!! I truly believe (better yet I know) that he is a pathological liar. He can't help himself. And I read somewhere a while back in some A related material that there is no way to learn to trust someone that lies in their daily life. You just never know what to believe out of them. But truly as far as our relationship goes he is doing all the right things. That is except for lying to me.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, January 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont know whether its because I went cold turkey on my antideps in Dec, or because there are some stuff which have gone really wonky with my body, or because H is sinking deeper into his depression...but I havent been doing well lately.

First of all, LH, let me send you some huge hugs. Now I do wish I was coming sooner to London so that I could give them to you IRL.
One of the things I have come to expect since d-day is that during my down times my H is there for me 100%. I tell him there is no option for him. He made this mess and threw me into this hole and it is him who is responsible to pull me out each time until I feel strong enough to climb out on my own.
Your statement above just screams out to me how your H's own depression has made him incapable of helping you through your darkest times. No wonder you feel like you do. I know you know that stopping AD's cold turkey isn't recommended and I don't know what your doctor would say about how to counter the effects of that, but I believe it is more about how your H's depression is making your healing that much more difficult.
I hate the things he has said to you. They were cruel and unnecessary and I could really be tempted to beat the crap out of him if we ever met. But I do sympathize to some degree because I believe he needs help and either refuses or is ashamed to get the help he needs.
If there is any way I can help you, please let me know. I will check in during the day (my grandson is coming today ) and hopefully just sharing your feelings with us will give you some support.
((((((((((((LH))))))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, January 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to wish a very warm welcome to our new members here but I am so sad to see so many. What the hell is going on that commitment, integrity, trust, honesty, love and so many other wonderful virtues seem so non-existent in our society.
I hope that each of you will take advantage of all of the wonderful support and friendship here and that you know you and your feelings are understood.
I know that for me just knowing that others have survived the worst and have come out stronger and wiser has made this horrible journey more bearable. I can't imagine how much harder it would have been without everyone's support here.
Hugs to aries61, icantgetoverit, krome, gaspingforbreath and brightbeauty.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, January 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brightbeauty - I wanted you to know that my situation also includes the double betrayal, a coworker as well, and that WhatNow is another member here dealing with this situation.
One thing that has helped me latelly is coming to the realization that the OW was NO FRIEND OF MINE. As long as I kept thinking of her as my friend, a friend who betrayed me, I was tormented. Then one day, I stopped myself and it struck me so completely that this person was so beneath me, so heartless and evil, so full of deceit, that I could never consider such a person to be a friend of mine and somehow this freed me of the need to deal with this aspect of my H's LTA. She was a stranger to me, like the OW in the stories here. I only thought I knew her. I'm not saying that there aren't times when my anger towards her isn't intense, but it feels different now knowing that she was never my friend.
Does this make sense??
Read my profile if it helps and feel free to PM or post here and if I can help, I will be glad to answer any questions that I am able to. (((BB)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
brightbeauty
♀ Member
Member # 22646
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, January 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for the welcome. I wish I did not have to be here but at least I know I am not alone.


Me-BS
Him-FWS,Darkbeast
Married-13years
2 Children-10&3
6 year affair
DDay-March 19-21,2008
RDay-March 21,2008
Psalms 31:10,14-15

Posts: 341 | Registered: Jan 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, January 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BB- looks like we were posting at the same time. Did you get to see my post that is just before yours?


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
brightbeauty
♀ Member
Member # 22646
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, January 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know she was never really my friend. She is not someone I would have ever chosen to have been my friend except she was brought into my life by my husband. She was his coworker and hung around with other friends of ours.

I am trying to work things through in my mind to write down "my Story". I know it will help but I do not know if I want to think about it right now. All in all we are in as good a place as we can be right now.


Me-BS
Him-FWS,Darkbeast
Married-13years
2 Children-10&3
6 year affair
DDay-March 19-21,2008
RDay-March 21,2008
Psalms 31:10,14-15

Posts: 341 | Registered: Jan 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, January 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take your time. If and when you are ready, we'll be here.
(((BB)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, January 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for reading.

Fnf, I know going cold turkey is not a good idea...I should have weaned myself gradually.
I just didnt want to be on them anymore. I have been on them since 2005, thinking they would help me be a better W and M. We had been in MC and I just didnt understand why, when I was doing all I could, that H was so unhappy with me, why everything was not fine with our world. Naturally the problem lay with me,( ).

The antideps have been a HUGE help for me and I doubt I would have managed as well in the following years. But I am stronger now and I want to cope without chemical help, KWIM?
I might go back on if I think that I am not coping well enough, but I want to tough it out for now. 4 years is a long time to be on them.

Re my H...I feel sorry for him to have said the things he did. He can never take back those words, esp what he said to the kids, and I am sure he deeply regrets them. He is so sad. I dont know how to help him. One part of me tells me to bail and save myself and the kids. The other part says that I should stay and help him and that is what family do for each other. He is seriously losing the threads of his sanity. I think he is having a breakdown.

***
FSA,
Did you call your H up on the lie?


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, January 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the the themes that have regularly come up in IC, are the similarities between my dad and H, and by extension between my parent's M and mine. None positive.

IC thinks that through H's behaviour, I am finally allowing myself to recognise the feelings of betrayal, hate, pain and sadness which I have felt for my dad since very young, but denied myself. I instead morphed myself into a goody goody, horribly afraid of putting one foot wrong, never rebelling, even when I should have as a normal stage of growth.

Unfortunately,the danger is that I see things in H that are not really there, as I am seeing my F instead...KWIM?
By the same token, I let things go with H as I did with my F. Quite fucked up, indeed.

Reminds me of the lines, "seeing sunflowers where there were wolves, and seeing wolves where there were sunflowers" or something like that.

I have to learn to distinguish between the 2.See H for what he is. He is not my dad. Yes, he did some terrible things like my dad did.But at the end of the day, he is nowhere near what my dad is/was. Or maybe he is, and I am not ready to accept it.

Despite so many many efforts and hard work, I have ended up in the same position as my mum. Like I have said before, I will break this cycle. I DO NOT want to be her. I DO NOT want to be M'd to a man like my F.
And I so so DO NOT want my children to be repeating the same patterns.

And for the record, as messed up as I am, I am waaayyyyy better than I was last year this time and tons better than the year before.

It DOES get better, Newbies. Hang in there.



LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, January 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart -

IC thinks that through H's behaviour, I am finally allowing myself to recognise the feelings of betrayal, hate, pain and sadness which I have felt for my dad since very young, but denied myself. I instead morphed myself into a goody goody, horribly afraid of putting one foot wrong, never rebelling, even when I should have as a normal stage of growth.

is your IC an Imago IC as this is the basis of the Imago theory and therapy. Have you read Harville Hendrix "Getting the Love You Want"? If not, you may find it fascinating. It is really for *you* not for him. Our Imago weekend was fabulous but the reason we went was the help we both got from that book. I would be willing to read it again if we wanted to do an LTA book club!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
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