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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I V
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But that's part of the problem, isn't it? We do worry about the effects on our children when our fuckwit H's never gave a fucking damn

That's what drives me fucking nuts!!!! I can almost understand him doing this to me; but, HOW do you look at your beautiful innocent kids and think "Yep, I'll just toss them under the bus too!"

When I said that to him this weekend, his first reaction was that "he didn't throw them under the bus".

I just stopped in my tracks and just looked at him, saying nothing, for a really long time. I wanted him to think about what he had just said. After a few minutes, he realized just how ridiculous that statement was. And my poor 8 year old said to me yesterday that I seemed so "glum". It just rips my heart out for her to see me like this.

I tried reading both fiction and self-help and that didn't help. Shit, I read a whole Bill Bryson book this weekend and I was still in this funk.

I just told my H the other night when he thanked me for staying that I didn't stay for him, I stayed for all of us. I stayed so that our family could remain intact.

This is what I am trying to do but at what cost to me? We have all sacrificed so much already, do we have to give up our whole life?

Thanks for the hugs, FNF, I really need them. I think I am going to go work out and see if that helps.

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 8:54 AM, January 26th (Monday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And, I see you guys who are 3 years out hurting just as badly and I just say WTF
HS I have to say that for me it's not "just as badly".
I am right back at the bottom of the rabbit hole
.I don't go there anymore. I know that I kept reading that it would get better and that I used to doubt that big time, but it has gotten better. The pain is not so intense anymore. And as for your vent, it was a good one. I used to really cut loose with those, but I don't feel that urge anymore either.
Yes, I know that I have to go through it either way but maybe, just maybe, it would be easier WITHOUT him. Just get him and all of his past out of my life and start over?
I've thought this many many times. And who knows, maybe in the future I could decide to go it my own. But if I ever decide to do that I'll know that I gave it my best shot first. (((HB)))

FNF nice to see you again too!!

I doubt everything I say/think
WN I still do. I have a hard time trusting myself, the person who was sooo in the dark. At my stronger times though, I am able to say F it. I remember how confident I once was, and at times it peeks back through.
I pray that she suffers loneliness, regret, self-loathing and despair for the crimes she committed against me. I know in order to fully recover I will have to let this hatred for her go too, but HOW do I do this????
FNF I still wish this for snaggletooth, I just wish that I could be around to see it. But I do have faith that her day will come, if it hasn't already. You do reap what you sow, and I'd hate to be in her shoes when it's time to pay up. My H is reaping his daily.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am right back at the bottom of the rabbit hole
.

I don't go there anymore. I know that I kept reading that it would get better and that I used to doubt that big time, but it has gotten better.

FSA - do you remember when the pain eased off. I know it isn't as bad as immediately after dday. There are days when I don't cry. But, I still end up down in this hole thinking "WTF? How did I get back here again?"

I know at 17 months I am still in the "beginning" but it just suck so much to go through this for so long.

But I do have faith that her day will come, if it hasn't already. You do reap what you sow, and I'd hate to be in her shoes when it's time to pay up.

I wish I had faith that this would happen...I just don't yet.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do you remember when the pain eased off
I'd say about 6 months ago. But we had a major flip flop in our lives and I contribute alot of it to that.
I wish I had faith that this would happen...I just don't yet.
OH it WILL. I am a firm believer in our God and his Bible. And He promises this to us. That is the main reason that I have been able to keep myself from calling ow h. I am afraid that if I try and dole out revenge that it will come back in my face. But if I can wait and let God do it, then it will be perfect. KWIM?

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd say about 6 months ago.

Are you telling me I have another whole fucking year of this shit?!!

That's it...I have to go work out and then buy something expensive!!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe you'll be a faster learner than I was.

And as for the buying something expensive. I'm still doing that.


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning tribe thank you for all the advise, but I wasn't able to see it as I was on the road going to another job with h. When we are together, I can't get on SI, he feels guilty I'm on here and makes me feel guilty, so, I only do it when he is at work.

During the drive, he told me what I believe to finally be everything. After 4 years, 9 months and 3 weeks, I can start to put MY life back together.

I was calm, never got angry or unset. He was very forthcoming. I now know he went almost 10 years without seeing or speaking to her. Then from 97-02 seeing her every time he went to the West Coast. A couple times while I was with him. In 02, when he was getting ready to leave, she said what she always did, "will I see you again?" he actually said "No", I will not be back. Hence, her need to call in 04 using the excuse of her mother dying and fullfiling her mother's dying wish This is what lead me to believe that something happened or was going to happen.

How do I feel? I don't know. I look at him and think what an idiot! I'm relieved, I don't have that usual sinking feeling in my stomach when I wake up anymore. We shall see.

Thanks for all the encouragement, I realize that I should be grateful for finally having the whole pictur, and in a sense I am, but please, he could have done it so much sooner.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he told me what I believe to finally be everything
GTMI for me that would be very healing. I hope it is for you too. I would love the feeling of knowing everything.


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do you remember when the pain eased off. I know it isn't as bad as immediately after dday. There are days when I don't cry.
I honestly cannot pinpoint a time. I would have to say it was (or has been) a very gradual easing of the intensity of pain. Even now when I have a meltdown, I do not cry hysterically, I don't shout obscenities to the extent that I used to , I don't call her all sorts of obscene names that only truck drivers and some of us BW's use, . It does lesson over time. I agree with FSA completely.
Something I read on another forum a few months back also helped. I wish I had copied it and posted it here and unfortunately I can't remember the exact wording but it read something close to this, Keep in mind that with time our pain eases and our R with our S's becomes more of a reality. For the OW, the pain increases with time as they realize what they did mean to our H's and as they come to terms with the reality that they no longer have a place in their lives. This gave me a lot of comfort because let's face it, our H's did walk away from these pathetic creatures. They knew what they stood to lose and they are working very hard to regain our love and our trust. It may not be perfect but we know and we can see how much effort they are making to right their wrongs.
These OW now have to accept that other than being a freebie piece of ass, they meant very little to our H's and I think in a lot of cases, our H's were relieved to finally be free of them.
My H was taking sleeping pills, anxiety meds and god knows what else during the A. I thought he was just experiencing a lot of stress at the office. Now that the A is over, he doesn't need any of these. That's why I believe him when he tells me he is relieved that it is finally over.
GTMI - I'm so happy that your weekend went well and that your H has given you the truth. Better late than never as the saying goes.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:48 AM, January 26th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They knew what they stood to lose and they are working very hard to regain our love and our trust. It may not be perfect but we know and we can see how much effort they are making to right their wrongs.
FNF I wanted to add something to this. I said it on here some time back and it is something that gives me some comfort. We all know what this has done to us and what we have put our H's through. Our H's take our ranting and venting and all the other things that we do, as well they should. But how much do you think they would have taken off of ow. NADA. If ever ow would have become too emotionally needy I think they would have bailed. Not only emotionally needy but downright nasty (at least I know I have been). I truly don't think that my H would have put up with this. He even said one time that ow was always nice and that he had wondered why b/c in real life people have conflicts at times. BECAUSE IT WASN'T REAL LIFE!! And I think that she knew if ever she gave him any conflict that he would be gone. Kind of talking in cirlces here but I think you might get my meaning.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But how much do you think they would have taken off of ow. NADA.

That is so true in my H's case too. He told me once in the early months after d-day that he couldn't believe she had criticized him (a few months before d-day). He was shocked. He said she was always praising him and always doing anything and everything for him.
He was so shocked - it was almost laughable when he was telling me. He couldn't f'in believe she would criticize him. I definitely believe this was a major nail in the coffin that was their dirty A. Like you said, "It wasn't real life" and one criticism from her slapped him right out of his fantasy and was the beginning of the end.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Ruthie
♀ Member
Member # 5476
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But how much do you think they would have taken off of ow. NADA.

This is not true in my case.
He put up with a lot of crap from SOW. She was teflon and somehow I was velcro even in their relationship.

The thing is finally now 4 years and 4 months later he is able to openly talk about what she was really like and what I wasn't really like.

But during and for the first while after???? OH No the paragon lived on.

edited because I can't seem to write today.

[This message edited by Ruthie at 10:46 AM, January 26th (Monday)]


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-Mark Twain-

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Ontario
gaspingforbreath
♀ Member
Member # 19820
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been lurking for awhile on this forum, first time here. Long story, short. Found out from OW about 3 year affair that ended 5 years ago. We've been together since high school, married 30 years. 8 months out. Went through the HB and grief and whys, but now I find myself in the tired of trying to make him feel better and having to do so much work. He has been doing everything right. Told me anything I asked right from the beginning, dealt with all my emotions, wanted to tell everyone, but I did not. A few setbacks on his part with frustration from me holding in my emotions, but we got through that. I am now just feeling like I am angry and do not want to work so hard. I don't feel like having sex at all, am glad when he is not around so I don't have to fake being upbeat, I know I should be telling him all this right now, but I just don't feel like it. Can't we just be angry without always talking about it, and what is the turning point, one way or another? I'm starting to feel really confused.


Hoping everyday will get alittle easier.
BS 49
WS 50

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest
cantbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These OW now have to accept that other than being a freebie piece of ass, they meant very little to our H's

That makes me feel better!!


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
Ruthie
♀ Member
Member # 5476
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am now just feeling like I am angry and do not want to work so hard. I don't feel like having sex at all, am glad when he is not around so I don't have to fake being upbeat, I know I should be telling him all this right now, but I just don't feel like it. Can't we just be angry without always talking about it, and what is the turning point, one way or another? I'm starting to feel really confused.


I don't know what you can do about this, I did want to tell you though that now over the past few months I have been able to finally recongize that I am down right p****d off at the circumstances I have lived.

I think the delay in hitting the anger phase for me has been because I was too involved in trying to understand the situation, deal with a bit of trickle truth, deal with kids, deal with false R, deal with deployments and deal with keeping it together .... That now, things are getting back to a more even keel and I am able to deal with me.

So all that to say,... You aren't the only one out there this far out and getting angry.


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-Mark Twain-

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Ontario
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw this in inspirations and had to copy it. It's too cute and for those of us getting impatient, it will give us some much needed hope.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=273649

Welcome to our new members. This is a great place to come and vent, listen and enjoy some wonderful friendships.
As to the anger phase, each of us has our own unique experience. There is no right or wrong to the sequence of our healing process. Go with your instincts, try to ignore your H's reactions, insecurities, frustrations and take care of yourself. I have never been very good at pushing down my feelings or pretending. Eventually powerful emotions will surface and I believe that allowing them to surface before they become enormous is in the best interest of all involved. That's MHO for what it's worth.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, this turned into a vent.

****

(((((((Tribe)))))))

[This message edited by Lost Heart2 at 2:52 PM, January 26th (Monday)]


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, this turned into a vent.

Yeah, LH2 - no venting here!!

Okay, I leave for a few hours and we have 3 new members? Welcome all. Sorry your first view of me with the expletive filled vent but that is just where I was this morning. Did get a good workout, then a walk with the dog and then TRIED to buy something but nothing good to be had for "retail therapy". So I am cooking instead.

GTMI - I am sure it was so painful to hear it all but freeing as well. As you know, my H spewed all of the gory details of his double life over two ddays. I was in complete shock as I had no idea that he had been unfaithful AT ALL much less through our entire relationship. But, after, it just kinda made sense, KWIM? It explained some weird crap that I just never could understand.

Gasping...I have a similar timeline in that I found out about the last A 6 years after it had ended. It was a seven year LTA with a coworker and the news hit me just like he had ended it that morning.

Great new word for the OW up in general "twatsicle"!! You just gotta love SI.

So LostH...what's up...why the vent and why did you take it down?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LS - so glad to hear that your H's surgery went well and especially that your sister is doing better too. My sister is doing better now and hopefully we will both keep having positive news to report. (((LS)))

Thanks FnF! Good news about our sisters is a bright spot in life these days.

my H is improving daily from the surgery although tiring easily. He's trying to work online from his laptop (not too successfully just now - server problem).

So much of today's posts reflect my thoughts! I want to print and read again so that the wisdom can sink in. It's so weird to know we are having almost parallel circumstances. That out FWHs can be so alike in their thoughts about betrayal and behaviours. I'm torn right now with being the dutiful wife but having awful dreams and not believing that I have the truth as antiversary #2 approaches.

Thanks tribe (welcome to the new posters - sorry you are here though) for all the sharing you do. No need for apologies from anyone IMO. I lurk more than I post and then I post copiously for a bit. I just know I value SI and I'm very glad to have found the supportive people here.

{{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
gaspingforbreath
♀ Member
Member # 19820
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys for the response. I think I am just feeling really low and angrier now because I have to see OW more frequently now because she used to be a friend and our children play sports together and we are in the middle of their season, and I watch her floating around and socializing with everyone we hang around with and she knows we are the only 4 that know, being our spouses included and it just pisses me off. She goes on like nothing ever happened and I feel like I want to crawl in to a hole.


Hoping everyday will get alittle easier.
BS 49
WS 50

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest
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