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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I V
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, January 15th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasn't looking, this was buried in a folder in a folder in a folder and I was word searching and it came up.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, January 15th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Believe it or not, the word was investment. Ha, ha! My friend is an accountant, so I guess thats why its there. Under Aus Tax rules and then websites and then this was doc.1. Reckon I should delete it. Esp as the rest of the email refers to UKg2s wedding day a couple of weeks later

Now I feel really bad.
Still, tomorrows another day, innit? Even if it so happens to be a Friday!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, January 15th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKG - sorry I assumed you were looking. I guess I would either delete it or take everything like this that you find and move it to a folder with a giant red flag on it so you *know* it is toxic and don't open it. If you want a distraction we are all glued to the "telly" watching the video of the plan that made the emergency landing on the Hudson River!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, January 15th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK, why dont you plan your own trip just for you. You could come over here and see the rest of us for a week or so. What do you think?


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, January 16th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT, I really liked your description of your IC as well. It makes a very good point for why it is about us/me/you and not about them. I don't think I have ever allowed it to be just about me. That's uncomfortable and I don't want to go there. But I know I need to.

HS, you are right. I know you are right. I did make a start today. I got on my Wii Fit and weighed in and did some exercise and got my heart going. I didn't like it and I don't feel great now. But I don't want to go back to bed and that is what I usually want to do, and often do do. So that is a start. I drank some water. I am just going to slowly begin to take care of myself. I am going today to buy new ear plugs for my ipod. I know everything you say is true in my head, I just sometimes feel like my head shuts down.

((((lostsoul))) That's some tough anniversaries. From what my parents and others have said, a grandbaby is an unbelievable gift of love, not even like your children. But that's a big responsibility to put your healing on that baby. Take care of yourself for him maybe, so that you can be able to be present and enjoy him. I so understand what you mean though.

(((UKGirl))) Ugh. Bad day anyway and then you find something. Doesn't seem fair. None of it does. I can almost hear the painful journey you are going through in your own mind. I am so sorry you have to travel it. It's so sick, I know, but I get jealous of you sometimes when you talk of your KISA. I wish for just one day my H would pretend to be that. I just want to feel important, loved, wanted, needed, I just want to feel something.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, January 16th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Warning vent coming up and its nothing to do with FWHs affair.
UKg2s STBXH (she decided today) has been having an affair since the summer. And he swore his 12yo DD to secrecy, even not to tell his 16yo DD. Of course all the sisterhood got together and now everyone knows, but the STBXH (and hes my FWH bf ..) is denying and gaslighting. But he doesnt yet know that his DD told her mother (finally got out what was wrong), she then told WSs mother who told UKg2. His DD also told UKg2s DD (after telling her mother) over the internet, who told her mother. WTF is wrong with people????? I could pole axe him and then take his stupid fucking head clean off his shoulders. He fucked up his first marriage by an affair, hes fucked up his second, hes totally fucked up his DDs and hes a total fucktard fuckwit. Of course, he didnt tell my H. Or so H says. I made a snidey comment about no one can know if you want to keep a secret. I hope he gets fucked over by Customs and Revenue, by the fraud squad, by both his wives, I hope he loses his business, his paltry equity, his home and contact with his daughters. I hope he loses all face with his family (who are appalled at his despicable behaviour) and spends the rest of his pathetic life trying to make amends. Which he wont b/c what he has done and is doing is unforgivable.
Im currently not talking to FWH. He has been condemning the behaviour of his bf so far. Now this has come out, hed better keep his mouth shut. Whether he plans to stay friends with him or not.

Thank you! I feel a little better. I think I might take off for the weekend. Thanks BT, Id jump on a plane and come over today if it was possible. This is thoroughly exhausting.

SoL Hes not KISA, he just likes to play act the role so he can see himself in the mirror MOW was holding up for him. No substance, all words and no action. Fucking fairytale cardboard cutout KISA twat.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, January 16th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that's a big responsibility to put your healing on that baby. Take care of yourself for him maybe, so that you can be able to be present and enjoy him.
SoLost what I meant is that I really do want to take care of myself so I can enjoy him. I just can't get the A out of my head.

We are going out of town this p.m. so we'll be 4 hours in the car where we could talk. Past experience is he won't though. He'll be working tomorrow and I'll be with my HS friend for the day. She is the godmother of our soon-to-be dad so we'll be talking about my middle son, his wife, etc. but she will also ask "how are you?" as I confided in her a few visits ago.

UKG Sorry about your day. Sounds like you are a saver like me. That's how I found out actually. I was cleaning up files on the PC and found a chat log between FWH and OW. I have so much clutter still from our move that needs to weeded through but as we moved in 2004 when they escalated from online gaming to intimate chats, emails and business trips here, it all reminds me of his A so I avoid this task. Moving again is not an option. Triggers are all around me. I don't have to 'go looking' either. It's just here. {{UKG}}}

The news here is about the US Airways plane that landed in the Hudson River yesterday too. Everyone survived! My trip to BC in December was delayed by another plane having hit a bird and debris was being cleared so had to wait. I didn't realize what that could mean but I do now! Thank goodness for the pilot's experience and quick thinking.

I'm looking forward to and dreading the weekend at the same time. Take care, tribe.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, January 16th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello All,
It's been a while since I posted in this thread so I will update everyone to my situation and I appreciate any and all guidance you can give.
A w/OW started 2000--only lasted about 6 mos or so when I found out and he kicked her to the curb.

FF to 2006--started up again with same OW and it has been off and on with her ever since. All three of us work at the same company...HR knows about the affair but has not done anything due to the fact that they are conducting it when they are off work and this is not affecting their work..each works for a different dept..

She has had breast cancer twice and having just completed reconstruction surgery--has found another lump on her chest and has cancer again...(3rd time now)

Sad to say that he is very emotionally involved even though he says he doesn't love her and would never leave me for her...don't know if I believe this after this length of time...

He has gaslighted, denied contact and I have gone thru multiple D-Day's and False R's...

I am in a position where financially I can not leave right now..I really want to save my marriage but can not do it alone...We have two boys (19 and 8)--the 19 yr old knows about affair but 8 yr old doesn't...19 still at home and in first year of college...I am also very afraid of the future alone..I will be fifty in two months and I am scared!!!

He has not stopped seeing her and refuses to go to IC/MC..He use to answer my questions but gets caught up in so many lies he just doesn't say anything anymore when I bring it up or when I ask a question about where he was he gets smart and say's something like--don't you know? He get's very defensive when I make wisecracks about what type of person he is....

I have tried 180 and I fail miserably...I have to admit that we still sleep together and I guess I do it because a part of me still has some sort of feelings and still want the closeness...I do love sex and so far have not gone outside of my marriage..I think about that but can't bring myself to do it...i guess my marriage vows still mean something to me....

But it seems everyday that I am starting to hate him more and more and the love is just not there most of the time...the trust and respect was gone a long time ago...

I do know that he has another email address that he uses for her but I do not know the password...I could try to get it thru needapassword.com but what's the point? I know that it's still going on...Should I pay money just so I can validate his love for her??

Can someone please tell me how to live with this situation? Has anybody ever lived with this situation?

I am really starting to even hate myself....I never thought that I would be the type of person to put up with this sort of betrayal and BS!!

I am sorry this post turned out to be so long...
THX for listening.....
Still LookingforLove.....


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, January 16th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Willard Harley, who has written a number of books about infidelity and has his own very popular website, tells betrayed spouses that they eventually have to get away from an active WS or their love will be completely snuffed out. Harley has a whole, complicated process that he has come up with for how to stop an affair. I don't know if I agree with it or could do what he advises, but I do completely agree with him that trying to live with a spouse who remains actively involved in an affair will kill even the strongest love.

I don't know what your situation is with regards to finances, but I would think strongly about getting away from your husband before he turns you against him forever.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, January 17th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Lookingfor Love.

but I would think strongly about getting away from your husband before he turns you against him forever.

I am really starting to even hate myself..


And can I add before you turn away from you.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 4:52 AM, January 17th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fnf, how are you? How is your sister doing?


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, January 17th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi LFLove, Im not really in a good place right now to be dishing out advice, but I dont like the sound of your situation.

I see from your profile you all live and work closely. And that your DS is friends with the OWs son? This should not stop you from bringing MOWs H into the frame. Its only fair and right to tell him, even after all this time. It just isnt possible to be just good friends. Your H has been seriously cake-eating for some considerable time. See a lawyer if you havent already. You may be pleasantly surprised as to where you stand financially. This relationship is damaging you health and psyche. Please take some pro-you action.

LostH. Thanks for your concerns. Still not talking to FWH. I dont know where to start. Im just sick of the whole thing.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, January 18th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukg,
Anyway I can help, you know I am here.
You have been wanting to get away for awhile now. Its not running away; its taking time out. All the stuff will still be there when you get back, but maybe some time away from everyone, just on your own, might help.

****

I have been twisting away on my own rope for a little while now. I dont know what it is exactly thats troubling me. Maybe its everything like I sigh dramatically.

H is still in his own world.He has been "absent" for such a long time now. I know he is not happy. One minute he is caring and funny; next he is snappy and boorish. And he knows this. Just the other day he asked me if he has been v annoying to the kids and me..and I answered that he is, to which he said that he knows it, but he just doesnt know why he behaves like that or how to control it. He didnt want to talk further, nor tell me whats troubling him. I can only surmise that its work..he is not where he thought he would be at this age, nor is he happy with what he is doing.

Recently, he said that he wished he could giev up work and stay at home; or work part time, and just rest the other days (no doubt referring to my previous and present work status), and could I not get a job which pays so much that he could take a break?
Huh?
I have just started work. I was a SAHM before as I was bringing the kids up..alone..not just chilling. As soon as I was able, I got work. And now i work hard but there is no way Social Services will pay as much as his IT ennvironment.
I get frightened when he talks like this, and I feel angry and sad as well. he is only 41 for crying out loud. He messed up his career "wasting his energies" not on us, but on his selfish self...and now he is too tired! At 41.

He refuses to consider antideps.Doesnt think IC is helping. He is slowly sinking his career.
But at the same time, he has never been more attentive to this children..in his own way.
And he still has his privacy over his laptop and emails and work life.
Somehow I dont think he is involved with anyone, nor (fingers crosses)do i think he wants to go back to being that person. However, I have my deep concerns on whether he will do things which will sabotage our life now or make choices that will be badly affect all of us.

And then there are my issues.
FOO issues; my own PA behaviour in this M and my behaviour now.

As you see, at this stage for me, its not about the LTAs exactly. I dont want to know anymore. I dont ask questions about them. But there linger there behind our current issues.

Thank you for reading.

***
Fnf, please check in my friend. Weepy, if you have contact with Fnf, do you know if she is ok?

Thanks.
LH


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, January 18th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to which he said that he knows it, but he just doesnt
know why he behaves like that or how to control it. He didnt want to talk further, nor tell me whats troubling him. I can only surmise that its work..he is not where he thought he would be at this age, nor is he happy with what he is doing.

Can he get a new IC? This seems to me to be exactly the sort of thing that he should be working through with an IC. Not just the affair behavior but why he acts in ways that he *knows* are hurtful to others (and to himself). This appears to be self-destructive behavior which is consistent with what you are saying about him sinking his career. IMO, affairs are the greatest of all self-destructive behavior; so, it seems he may have some issues around this type of behavior that could be worked on with on IC...no? Sorry if you have been down this path with him and he refuses...that must be so frustrating.

You can only take care of yourself. Do what you can for yourself (and your kids). You can't force him to love himself unfortunately.

FNF, everything okay with your sister?

BT, how's the recovery going?

UKG, I echo BTs thoughts. How about going away alone. There are great deals out there right now due to the economy. How about a week in the sun, on the beach before your surgery?

Another 8 inches of snow here today after a week of temps near 0 degrees (F). I am making Lentil soup today as the chicken soup was devoured by the family. H is travelling for two weeks so life is a little hectic. I try to lurk and respond when I can.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, January 18th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am shaking. There was an email form the ow. He came home from work last night at midnight. Talked to me for about 45 minutes. Looked like at 12:49 he opened it up. It said,

Well I guess now that the stethoscope is broke I have no reason to bother you, congratulations, you are totally free of me. Have a nice life.

WTF????

His stethoscope broke a few days ago. Left out in the cold and he went to bend it and it snapped. How does she know that? Are they in contact? B/c on the flip, it sounds like she is clearly angry that he doesn't want anything to do with her.

This is it. This is the big test. Will he tell me? How much time do I give him to fess up?

That's the major question. Ho w much time do I give him. I don't want any of that, well, you never even gave me a chance to tell you, I was going to tell you xyz.

Honestly, if he doesn't tell me and explain how she knew about the stethoscope then I am headed for divorce. I cannot live in a marriage with more lies.

Please give me some advise on how to proceed.

BTW, he deleted the email (it is still in his delete box) and did not respond.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, January 18th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((So Lost))))

Try to breathe. This would scare the crap out of me too but, it does give him a chance to prove himself. The fact that he did not respond is good. He may be thinking about how to tell you. He also may be scared shitless that she knows because either 1) they are in contact or 2) she is stalking him and knows stuff about him that scares him.

Try to be patient and give him some time today to tell you. However, if he doesn't, I think you will have to confront. Is there a way to get a copy of the email out of his deleted files and print it out before he empties the trash file?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, January 18th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying so hard to breathe and I am FREAKING out!

Yes, I could copy it or send it to myself I guess.

They (we all) work in the same hospital. I imagine she is friends with people on his floor. It also uncovers another lie. He said that stethoscope was from his boss and others that collected money b/c his other one was crappy. So now I guess she gave or lent it to him.

He goes to work at 2:30 pm today and it is 10:30 and he's still sleeping. Doesn't leave much time. I work evenings tomorrow (same hours as his today) and do not really want to be super upset before work.

Just not sure when a good time to confront would be if he doesn't spill it.

I just feel like my whole world is spinning.

I reached to hold his hand last night when he came to bed (pretty normal for one of us to do that) and he definitely pulled away. I thought maybe he had just looked at porn and felt guilty or something. Nope. Bu he played a computer game for 2 hours after reading the email and never went back and read it.

I just can't figure this out in my brain. He knew I was still awake when he read it.

Ugh. I soo don't want to get divorced. I don't want it. But I can't live this way.

Thank you for helping HS. I really appreciate it. I'll have to see how it all plays out I guess. And I am not very patient.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, January 18th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Lost,

Definitely get a copy of that email before it evaporates into thin air. You *do not* want to be in a position where he says you read it wrong, or that's not what it said, etc.

It is boundary time, hon. This is the test for him. If he lies, gaslights, hides it, etc., you know what you are up against. But, he may come through, you just have to wait and see.

Can you go for a walk where you are (i.e. not 2 ft of snow and 10 below ). It might help clear your head. If not, trying cleaning (vacuuming in particular is good for me and it might wake him up!!!).


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, January 18th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost,

I would suggest giving him 48 hours to tell you (or even 72, three days, if your work schedules are going to keep you apart). I know that's asking a lot, but this is a chance that few of us get. It will tell you an incredible amount about who your H is now and what kind of husband he intends to be. I would try my best not to blow that with impatience. Settle yourself and give him the chance to show you who he is.

And definitely listen to HS and print the email.

Sending you strength.

BT

[This message edited by BorrowTrouble at 9:46 AM, January 18th (Sunday)]


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, January 18th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My eyes seems to be settling down some, Shirley. Thanks for asking.

*********
Lost,

Sorry your H is being so difficult to live with. He certainly has some poor coping skills, no matter what it is that is bothering him. It sounds like you are giving him space, which is probably for the best. But don't let him abuse you. Remember to stand up for yourself, and if you can do so calmly and without rancor that would be the most effective.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
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