I want to crawl into the tub, into bed, and sleep the next day, week, year away.....
Your dday was fairly recent. It was very sweet of H to think of a recommitment ceremony. I know this sounds incredibly cynical and negative,but do you think you can hold off on that for some time? MAybe a year or so from dday?
It will be different then..in so many ways.
Fnf, now that we are aware of Ukg's culinary talents, I dont think restaurant food is going to do at all when you visit!!!
Me thinks you and H could benefit from the Imago therapy!
It sounds like you both need to work on your filters when communicating.
I have spent the day in bed with the flu..bah!
Took the kids to the movies to see "InkHeart". I was really looking forward to that as I loved the concept of books coming to life..but it was so-so.
Good H is still here. Boy, does it feel good!
Hope the evening took a turn for the better.
[This message edited by Lost Heart2 at 1:20 PM, January 1st (Thursday)]
Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.
I think that day should be reserved for the "I have completely forgiven you and am 100% with you forever" moment.
Will it get better? Yes. Will you feel differently 6 weeks? Maybe 6 months. I would just ask him to keep that thought and put it on hold for a little bit. Don't dismiss it though.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Here are my circumstances. H and I were best friends who ended up in a ONS because of too much wine 28 years ago. That one night produced our first son. We entered into a marriage that would not have happened if we were not trying to do"what was best" for our son. We had two more children and lived a fairly good life. H was never truly committed to me and always viewed our marriage as "for the kids" although he lived family first....or so I thought. He had a 12 year LTA that he was sure would be his exit A when our last son graduated from HS. Everything was in place, including OW buying a house condusive to my H setting up his business in her home. He's a photographer and she bought a house with a full dark room in the basement. I felt his pulling away and started to feel that our marriage was over as well. I was lonely even when surrounded by people. I began IC to get ready to leave the marriage. When our son graduated, H began to change his mind and started to "re think his life". OW started to get upset because H kept making excuses why he couldn't leave yet When I discovered an email he decided to come clean and not lie anymore because he had made his mind up to stay. I realized how much I loved my H once everything was threatened. I had no idea he was having an affair at that time although suspected someting many years before. He told our children of his A and stated that it would have been easier to leave than live with the daily disappointment in him in all of our eyes. He spent two years sorting all of this out before he made up his mind. He says he knows that everything good in his life has come from us. He also said I am the only one that he will be happy with and he is done chasing phantoms. He admits that he was dillusional and that our marriage may not have worked because he was never willing to put 100% into it. He also says that he loves me completely and will be by my side for the rest of my life. He has had absolutley NC for 9 mos, has done everything right, is completely transparent and has made me the priority everyday. He says without a doubt he will continue to do so. He has changed so much over the past two years. He has eliminated everything from his life that may have anything to do with OW, even mutual friends. I can't tell you how comforting things are and how peaceful and loving our home now is. While the devastation was awful and the wounds deep from the knowledge that my H lived a secret life for so long, I believe he is being as forthright and honest as he possibly can. He is now the man I have always wanted as my husband; a best friend, good father and tender caring lover. Neither of us are taking one moment of it for granted.
Which reminds me, I finally got to watch Sex and the City. It wasn’t too bad, Miranda’s ONS situation was odd, but the moment that got me was Carrie curling up in bed at the honeymoon hotel, looking so awful (good make-up – or natural??) and time just passing as she stayed there. Then The Terminal came on tv. I’d forgotten the Catherine Zeta-Jones character was in a 7yr affair. I felt no sympathy, just thought what a stupid woman.
He came home and brought me in flowers…………I knew I wasn't doing well....but tonight killed it.
I found a receipt for a large amount from the jeweler...
I refuse to see myself as still in that old marriage. That’s dead and gone and I want him to acknowledge that. He sees things differently and I’ve also had the “I want things to be as they were” blurb and, like weepy, that is the LAST thing I want!!! Me ignorant and him going on in his own way, having his own way, answerable to no one and me a complete trusting fool? Oh no, no way! I realise that’s not what he really means and that he wants this perfect world back when his wife was happy and he was seen as someone worthy. He knows he has lost my respect and my trust and that I just don’t see him the same way, but that is part of the huge cost of the affair. It’s all part and parcel of needing a moment in time and declarations made to leave all that behind and start again.
So are you excited about the Feb changes? Do you have to follow a special diet/care programme prior?
Fnf, now that we are aware of Ukg's culinary talents, I dont think restaurant food is going to do at all when you visit!!!
[This message edited by UKgirl at 3:26 PM, January 2nd (Friday)]
LH2 Do you really think the extra 6 weeks will make a big difference?
How are you faring? What will the ceremony mean for you and are you ready for that?
Its sounds like your H has been an active and remorseful WS since dday. Has he been in IC at all? Hw has he been able to reconcile living 2 lives for 12 years, to himself and to his family?
There is no right or wrong way, Fading, as long as you both are being true to yourselves. If this ceremony is the natural progression of your work thus far, then go for it! Its been awhile since we had a party!
I dont know where I got this info from ( )but I would have thought that you would be taking some supplements to help with the healing afterwards. And please,Ukg, cut down on the alcohol hereon.
HAve decided to treat myself to a elliptical machine. This would be H's bday present from last year.There is no time to go to gym, so at home it is!
I just CAN NOT be this size.
I WILL NOT be this size!
D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA
"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".
((((Weepy))) Just because. lol
Last night the kids were out at a sleepover. H came home and we talked for a bit and then he went downstairs. When he came up I had gone to bed. He snuggled up and asked if I anted to fool around. I froze. It's been 14 weeks. Why now? We have had lots of other opportunities. I have been thinking that part of us was over and the rest was slowly dying. We haven't talked much about anything serious. Just living life and yet without physical contact, i feel lonely and unsure.
I just brought all that up. He says he had no idea it had been that long. Cited our 6 week back and forth illness and such but agreed it was a long time. There just wasn't much to say. He help me and we fell asleep. This morning he says he is fine, happy, where he wants to be. It's me that is unsure. He's right.
I just don't know where to go from here. He rarely initiates sex and yet that is what I need to feel secure and loved. But to be honest, I am sick of asking for attention. It's humiliating. I want to be with someone who shows me he loves me. I truly think he does and just is so unsure how. Oblivious and in denial land would describe him to a T.
I want 2009 to be different. I want to put myself first. I could not have sex last night. After all this time with just a 'wanna fool around' and I couldn't. I needed him to know it hurts. That he had sex with her weekly for five years, sometimes going as long as 3 weeks but not more and now he has no interest in me. It's a problem. It's not a life i want to live.
Sometimes I feel like I have so little advise to give and can only offer hugs, and that just seems so lame in the face of what everyone is going through.
Since 'one day at a time' has been my motto for longer than I can remember (for health reasons before discovery of my FWH's LTA) hugs are always welcome, SoLost.
Belated Happy New Year to the tribe!
How is H's inpatient programme coming along? Have you noticed any difference?
So, what are your plans for YOU this year?
For someone who thought she had a 3 year, 5 year and 10 year plan, learning to take one day at a time has certainly been a challenge..lol. But I concede to the wisdom in this.
(I do envy people who can live for the spur of the moment ).
I put up some pics in F&G.
#9 towards the bottom and then a couple further down of my kids and our 5th wheel!
Just learned how to do it and I am super excited.
I guess you really can teach an old dog new tricks!!
Just thought I'd share, and like promised, I'll be back to post more later...
I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!
Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27
LH, his inpatient program went very well. The main focus of that was taking care of his diabetes and checking his blood sugar and he has been doing that since going to the program (he hadn't in 6 years before that). SO that was a success.
I really liked him in program. And he really liked it. He woke up early and went and then came home and wanted to do things and was engaged in life. Now he is back to sleeping until 11-12 and then not doing much. He also noticed it and asked to change meds b/c of his lack of morning motivation. They did but I actually don't like the current med. Maybe it hasn't kicked in yet..it's been a month or so.
How are you LH? How is the house coming along? It is such a long process getting settled. Does it feel like a fresh start?
Well done on the training machine LostH. Now use it for exercise and not something convenient to hang your clothes on! Meanwhile, I have been online looking up the before/after care and seems I’m doing what they say. Don’t smoke, not overweight, exercised and toned, reasonable diet, HAVE cut back on the alcohol intake already. Arnica and something else is suggested, along with moisturisers and laxatives (although I’m hoping I won’t need that many painkillers). Oh, and a whistle to summon a minion to peal me a grape!
SoL – he wanted to “fool around”, so why didn’t you say “I’d rather make love”? Turn it around into something YOU want. If you want him to undress you, cover you in beer and lick it off – tell him! Take his “hint” and turn it back into something you want. Do you think it’s his way of dealing with possible rejection? ie, if he makes it sound jokey, neither of you will be overly offended if the advances or suggestions are turned down. Try to stop comparing yourself and your sex life with OW and them, we all do it and we all know it doesn’t work like that. Let us give you hugs more often. ((((SoL)))) As long as he continues to take responsibility for his health, that means you’re not mothering him which should have started him on that path to take responsibility in other areas. If it is the meds making him tired, fine. But, as you say, a month in and that doesn’t sound right. HE has to find motivation to get up, he cannot revert back to expecting YOU to find HIS motivation so he can blame you when it goes wrong. 2009 is for you. He has to find his own resolutions and the power within to stick to them. You can support him, but he has to do the work from now on. Otherwise the programme will have been a sad waste.
One day at a time. If it’s a good day, it gets put on the good day pile and if it’s a bad one, it gets put in the bad day bin. One day, there will be more good days than bad. And then you know you’re making progress.
H took me and DS2&4 out for lunch, finally cashing in a free Sunday lunch for two he won at golf last summer. It was really nice and only a few table covers cos everyone goes back to school/work tomorrow, so it’s very quiet everywhere. So far, so good this year. Been musing on the cosmetic surgery thing with the economic crisis continuing and H saying things are going to get worse in his field. I asked if I should cancel and then started to doubt my reasons for doing it and kind of feeling guilty spending all that money just on me. Will it make me feel better, raise my sense of self worth or attractiveness, am I doing it as a reaction to his affair? She looks older than me and finds it hard to stay in shape, keeping her weight down. She looked so sad when I met her, as if it was etched on her face. And yet she had something I didn’t and haven’t. She was interesting company. Intelligent and articulate with a career. And no amount of surgery is going to implant any of that.
I'm back from 10 days in the sun. I have to say it might have been even better therapy than Imago!!! We do not usually do the whole all-inclusive resort thing as we try to go to places farther afield, less developed, more adventurous, etc. But, I have to say that a week and a half of not being resposible for anything is pretty damn relaxing. A friend of mine who "knows" gave me a wonderful book called "Angle of Repose" to take on the trip. It is historical fiction based on a family history but is really about marriage and how they develop and change over time. It is a wonderful book and very insightful. It made me think a lot about some of the things that we talk about here in LTA; about how the marriage is forever changed, it will never be the same, that we cannot look at them as the same person. What this book made me start considering is that this might be true in "normal" marriages as well. All the hurt and anger builds up, the walls go up, people do and say things they shouldn't and the marriage changes forever. Yes, we are dealing with a layer and level of betrayal which is WAAAAAYYYYY outside the scope of anything "normal" but the changing of the marriage I believe is a lot more normal than I may have thought.
FNF - I am glad you made it through another year. I am sorry I wasn't here to give you hugs but I was thinking of you. I think you might really like the book I mentioned above. The "heroine" sacrifices an incredible amount for her husband and her family. Over time, all of those sacrifices build up and change her, change her relationship with her husband, how she feels about herself, etc. Check it out...
UKG - I just saw your post above about your second doubts concerning your surgery. Then I saw the pic you posted in F&G and all I could think is "WHAT THE F*CK ARE THEY GOING TO "FIX"?!!!". Seriously, you are a beautiful woman and, if you are having any second doubts at all
And no amount of surgery is going to implant any of that.
I would either reconsider or perhaps delay.
Weepy - My parents did not want me to marry EO. They did not like his family - "wrong side of the tracks". My mother kept saying to me "you don't just marry the man, you marry the family". I thought that she meant I would have to deal with a nasty MIL. What I am learning is that she meant you marry the whole family history. However, no amount of gentle guidance would have kept me from him. Now, I DO believe your idea about MC prior to the marriage is wonderful. There were several not-yet-married couples at our Imago weekend and I kept thinking what a great way to get a start. How about that as a gift for them (and maybe a nudge for your H )
Okay, here goes. Everytime I post something positive on here something goes drastically awry so I post this with trepidation. I have asked EO to move back into the house with me. We had a wonderful vacation, he was very attentive, we continued the Imago dialogue and I think he "got" some more about how bad the violation he committed. He brought a ruby eternity ring with him and gave it to me on New Year's Day as a hope for a new beginning. Rubies because red is my favorite color and because me previousl set including a diamond eternity band with bad memories and a sapphire one with bad memories as well. He even had it set in platinum instead of gold as a change. I don't know...maybe I am wading right back into a pile of shit but he seems completely and utterly remorseful. I think he would do anything I ask to make this marriage work. The kids were soooo happy to see us together and not fighting. It was like someone turned a light back on inside our little family. So I am going to try to make this work. Please, please, please don't let me get blindsided again.
What a wonderful family you have. Thank you for sharing your pics.
I have seen several of your pics and I agree with HS. Unless having the surgery will make you EXTREMELY happy about yourself, then I wouldn't do it!! Who you are is NOT what you look like!!
It's who you are inside and what you think, feel, and share with the world. I happen to find you quite special just the way you are, and changing your looks won't matter in any way. Whatever will make you happy...
You cracked me up with your comment about our home away from home... ROFL! I can guarantee that it is VERY sturdy, but we do have a slight problem with thin walls and sounds!!! I know TMI, but you got me going!
Keeping you in my thoughts always. How were the holidays in your new home?
Just thought I'd let you know that good things can be shared and nothing bad will happen!!! It sounds like you have turned a corner in your relationship and everyday will bring more happiness.
My H and I went away for New Years and had a wonderful time. We are both looking forward to 09 and are satisfied with the year that has passed!
I feel very loved and very lucky.
Welcome to the newbies, and Whatnow, thanks for sharing your pics. What beautiful kids! My pics are there too, #9 and towards the bottom. My kids are a little further down, and sad to say, my dogs pic won't work...
[This message edited by lovinlife at 7:22 PM, January 4th (Sunday)]
Well folks, DD got engaged this weekend. MIL is the only one who expressed her shock as disappointment. Her anger was directed mostly at me for "not making sure she finished her schooling first." Screw her.
H has been in a state of shock mostly. I'm recognizing (finally) after years his P/A tendencies shining through. Told me we had $10K for her wedding. Period. Well, I told him I'd done some work on banquet halls, etc. and that just won't do. "It has to" was his response. So, he's not happy about her choice, therefore he's going to exert his disapproval by "controlling" her wedding. Now OUR (read his)immediate family numbers over 50. DD'S BF's family is probably just as big. If the kids want to invite a few friends, we're now talking at least 50% more than his bottom line. Anyway, I told him no reason the boy's parents can't chip in and the kids themselves. BUT those arrangements are way down the road to not sweat it now.
All in all he was gracious and not derogatory or sarcastic with the kids at all. I have to give him kudos for that.
Now he didn't sleep at all Saturday night from anxiety. I took a pill! But Sunday am, he initiated for the first time since Labor Day weekend! And only 4 days after sex on New Year's Day. Yea!
DS's reaction was perfect. He was flumoxed (the only word for it). Kept calling his sis "Mrs. K" and her BF "bro" all weekend. He even went shopping with them on Sunday afternoon.
They're talking a winter 2010 date which is fine with us. I admit I hinted ALOT that the churches and banquet halls all look so lovely with the Christmas decorations, lights and trees up. In my mind, it will save us on flowers!
So that's the big news. Other than that, it's been quiet and only one sneaky trigger for me all week!
I'll be back later. With DS home its been really tough getting to the computer.
Well, the holiday break is over, DS4 is back at school, H is back at work and due to be away some time this week. Overall, I think the festive period went as well as can be expected. I haven’t asked if MOW texted him on NYE, I would hope he would have said if she did. I had several moments of getting slapped with a thought, looking at him and thinking “fuckwit bastard”, but no more than that. H has made an IC appt for tomorrow night at MC’s suggestion. He has to see that he has to initiate change or we are just going to slowly move apart and I really don’t want that. I want to find that man I fell in love with. If you look at that photo taken right at the top of Mt Tiede in Tenerife, he looked happy, I mean relaxed and really happy. I want that back.
Enough waffle! Shirley, I envied you that break in the sunshine and I love those all-inclusives! ! I see Angle of Repose is a Penguin Classic with 4+* rating. I’ll browse next time I’m in a bookshop and maybe give it a go. All marriages evolve, they have to. But what brings a WS to the point where they personally have evolved to that point of living two lives, one being the m with all its bolt-ons and the other some fantasy half life? I will never get over or understand it.
Please, please, please don't let me get blindsided again.
I feel very loved and very lucky.
Weepy, it sounds like things are improving. Slow but sure, steps back every now and then, but overall things are moving forward, wouldn’t you say? It was predictable about putting a cap on the wedding costs, he wants some control and I guess that’s not overly unreasonable. It’s something to work on and around and if that cost is the base, then everything else can take that into account. I assume that the bride and groom will be contributing too, as well as the groom’s parents. They’ll have time to save anyways. I hope it wasn’t the news that made him anxious, he wants to be happy for them. They have to pave their own path and make their own choices now. Or maybe that’s the problem? Growing up and away?
Have a good week everyone. And those MIA, check in! We want to know how your hols went too!
My IC tells me I'm a beautiful woman and I just Pfttt "sure, in the universe of obesely fat women?"
So I've been on this diet since New Year's Eve. Been good too. But last night my SIL made pasta and no meat. I ate salad, but I was still starving, so I ate a little pasta, then stole a half a donut. So, it's back to square one again today.
DS asked me to go to the gym but I have both jobs today and can't squeeze it in. Tomorrow for sure!
Yes, I think things are getting better. He asked me what my New Year's resolution was this year. I told him that I didn't have one yet, what was his? He NEVER does this. His answer "Be nicer to my wife".
And yes, it's fair to put a cap on the wedding expenses, but he's never actually looked at price tags. And I'm NOT an extravagent person, but a wedding for probably 125 people, gown, flowers, church and all the little things probably can't be pulled off for less than $15K. My SIL spent over $35K for her D's wedding 2 months ago. But then she caved to my MIL's insistence of who must attend. WE don't have to do that. We're the rebels!
SoL – he wanted to “fool around”, so why didn’t you say “I’d rather make love”?
Or how I put it... "No I don't want to "fool around" (or as H used to put it "give me a BJ" or "fuck"). But when you're ready to make love again, let me know."
I mentioned the sneaky trigger earlier... well, we were alone, H still hadn't dressed. I said to him "Wanna go upstairs?" with a big kiss and a tickle. His reponse was "What does that mean?" So I stomped off. Told him "You know what it means, I do NOT get your need to pretend you don't understand what I'm saying. We've been together 35 years and I have to tell you I want to fuck?" "Well, THAT I would have understood". Yeah, well his GF supposedly did just that a phone call and "do you wanna???" and he knew what to do. With me it has to be some dumb game? Of course he came upstairs and we continued our little "repartee" until I said to him "Do you want to continue to discuss this or are we going to fuck?" And you know what? That's just what it was. A fuck. And I guess he knew it also because yesterday it wasn't.
Well, got to toddle off now. Boy I don't want to go back after being away for a week.
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 7:45 AM, January 5th (Monday)]
UKG - thanks for the kind words. It does feel as if he has found a path towards who he wants to be. I am glad it is for him as well and not just for me. I don't want him to feel trapped or forced into this change. I am hoping it can come from within and he can see that he *can* be a good person.
Weepy - I love wedding but the cost!!! We have 3 daughters and I think we are dreading the cost of the wedding more than college! We have jokingly discussed giving them each a certain amount of $ and telling them to elope. However, in this day and age it is very normal for the couple themselves to contribute to the cost (especially if they want a fair amount of input to the type of wedding). I think it will work out and, as you said, it is way in the future. I sounds like your H is trying. I especially like his New Year's resolution.
vain, which I so am not b/c I really don’t like the way I look, never have done. Thirdly, although I had said I wanted a boob job sometime and/or facial improvements
UKG - You know we have all had these thoughts right? I have a very "Roman Nose" strong and inherited from my father. I grew up always wanting a nose job as I grew up in the South with all these pert little blondes. It has taken me almost 48 years to realize that this nose belongs on my face. A pert little nose would look ridiculous with all my other features. We are so driven in our society to think that what we look like is some measure of our worth. I have never met you. I have only seen a few pictures posted here but I have a GREAT idea of your worth and it is tremendous. Your love for your H, your love for your boys, your caring for us all come through every day. Now just love yourself!!! You are an amazing beautiful woman. Will any of us ever be 20 again....Nope. That sucks but it is life.
If it helps, I just returned from some serious exposure to a lot of skin of all ages. I have to say the middle aged women in tankinis who have kept themselves in shape look wonderful. The middle aged women who looked like plastic because of all the surgery made my *kids* laugh. *MY KIDS* could tell who had been fixed and who had not. I don't want to discourage you but I want you to be certain before undertaking something so serious. And, I want to make sure that this will help you find what you are looking for.