Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I V
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yooohoooo! New digs. Who wants to decorate?

ETA: Fnf you want to hear something scary? I have read every single one of those books. All.of.them. Come on people...I need some book suggestions!

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 3:34 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm thinking mountain cabin. Something with a fireplace.

***********

Son is fine. He'll have to stay hooked up to monitors for another couple hours till all the drug gets out of his system, but his heart is fine.

Thank you all for your prayers. I know they helped.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh BT - I am so happy for you. What a relief.

In honor of BT, Mountain Cabin it is. I am thinking we should have lots of fireplaces (duh) and maybe access to skiing. Other than a wine cellar, I require nothing other than a comfy couch and a bed (pretty much IRL, too )


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need advice. We were invited to a very special evening tonight. One of our close friends is throwing a surprise dinner party for his wife to celebrate their first date 30 years ago. I consider it an honor to be their friend and I know this is a small occasion. Up until I got out of the shower about 15 minutes ago, I thought I could tough it our for them but now....I just don't know. I am really worried about all the speeches (him to her about their long relationship), friends toasting them, etc. I think I might just lose it. I am thinking of just sending EO and having him make some excuse.

What do you think? Is this selfish of me?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT - wonderful news. We were all so anxious for you and know how relieved you must be.
HS - This is a tough one. Is this friend aware of your situation? Is she more your friend or a friend from your H's group? I am concerned since you did break down at the last dinner party and you wouldn't want that to happen again for yourself or your friend. Do you think if you stayed away from wine that you might be able to keep up a good front? You said that's what happened the last time.
Perhaps if you took separate cars and made an excuse about a stomach virus or something if you start to feel overwhelmed that would be an option for you. See how you're doing and quietly make your exit if you need to. Either way, we'll be here if you need us.
(((HS)))
ETA - I do not think you're being selfish - you need to take care of you right now and if you don't think you can hold it together then you are not only being good to yourself, you are thinking of what is best for your friend as well.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 4:19 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HS- I would want to try it in hopes that you have a good time. The separate vehicle idea might be a good one in case it becomes difficult.

BT- Glad to hear the good news!

Can I have a hot tub again? I would just LOVE a hot tub, really helps me relax.

[This message edited by Whatnow28 at 4:46 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday)]


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks FNF - called EO at work and told him I can't do it. I know it is a special moment for them but it is just waaaaay to close to home. EO and I met 29 years ago this month. First date 29 years ago in January. I believed for all these years. Through the good times and bad, I believed that what we had was unique and special. I just cannot help someone celebrate that right now. They are celebrating what I am mourning.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you for making a choice to honor yourself and your feelings, Shirley. We've all got to learn to do that more often.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They are celebrating what I am mourning.

It is times like this that I hate how we can't be there for each other IRL. I know it's not the same, but I am sending you all the hugs and support you could ever imagine.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks BT and FNF.

I am home, in my "lounge clothes" (read yoga pants and long sleeve tshirt), eating pizza with the DDs and perfectly happy.

BT you are so right. I wish I had honored myself more in the past. I can't even begin to try to count the number of times I did something that was painful for me to help someone else. And, half the time, they had no idea because I would never say anything.

FNF - thanks for the cyberhugs. They really do help.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HS - nothing like our children to make us feel better.
Now after they're off to bed, why not look into some of the old classics for a change. You know, the Jane Austen classics - I love them. Pride and Prejudice - that might be a nice change from the contemporary books you've been devouring!
Are there any of your old favorites that you'd love to re-read? You know, the feel good kind of classic.
Either way, relax and enjoy those girls of yours.
Our children are our joy!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF - that's a great idea! There are some books I loved in high school (Pride and Prejudice, Tale of Two Cities, Picture of Dorian Gray (who is, btw, my H!!!!)). Anyway, think I will try that.

Next stop for me is the video store for "The Santa Clause". The girls requested it tonight. I love, love, love that movie. It is all about cynicism and believing. I still have one at home who believes and it is so magical.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT: I'm so happy to hear your news!

shirley, I think you made the right decision. I needed valium to get through my niece's wedding!

As far as book suggestions. Talk about your classics... my favorite, all time... Watership Down. DS gave me a new copy last Christmas because my old one was worn out. Maybe once I get through all my thrillers I'll go back to that one by the fire in the big leather couch.

I'm going to try to use our "house" for my next meditation. I usually find myself in a beach house with wicker and linen furniture and windchimes, but maybe I'll try our ski retreat.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
dremalou
♀ Member
Member # 204
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,

I've been looking around and I think you're a swell bunch of folks. My mom would approve, can I hang out with ya'll? I heard there might be an extra room with a really big bathtub. I've never had a tub. Sure would like to hang? I promise not to drink straight from the milk carton.


BW/59 M25yrs, 2gether 31yrs (known H 4ever), D33/gsons/12&10/gdau/2yr
WH/62 East Coast A since May 97/Deep Fog
OW/64 never married only "Does" married men
Where's the man I married?...
Pro 5:20-23...lost w/o God
Ps 119:49-80 PTL

Posts: 1125 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Northern CA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, December 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

morning dremalou. There's plenty of room here. My bathroom has one of those giant claw foot bathtubs with a waterfall shower. No reason yours can't have whatever you want.

Just read your profile since your number was so low, I figured maybe you were and "old wise one". But I don't know what to make of your situation.

Has he admitted the sexual/emotional relationship with this woman? or are you dealing with just having evidence that he's saying isn't?

I know the fear. I've been married almost 30 years. Right now I'm only working part time and depend on him financially for the first time in our M. We've had the "you leave" no "you leave" conversations and neither of us is willing to give up what we've worked so hard for... our home mostly. Neither of us wants to be alone in our old age. But if he was still engaging in the affairs, then I'm afraid at this point, the next time he came home from his "trip", the locks would be changed, his bank account would be drained ( of my half ) and the world would know why.

So here's the question we ALL need to answer... what do YOU want?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, December 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great. Had a minor fender bender in the new car first thing this morning.

Called and texted H, but he hasn't returned either. Pentup said I should channel my inner bitch and be pissed as hell that he hasn't checked up on me.

Thing is I know he's pissed. And probably ISN'T calling me because he knows he'll blow.

Funny, wehn he had his accident last month, who was driving him to the dr. and the repair shop and handling the calls with the insurance company??????

Yeah, maybe I am pissed.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Cool  Posted: 3:28 PM, December 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He called and asked if I was ok and then said "it is what it is, we'll deal with it."

But he hasn't seen the car yet.... Still a little on edge.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, December 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, how are you feeling? Any stiffness or bruising? I'm glad he waited if he was trying to cool himself down. Shows progress, don't you think?
Sorry to hear about your accident but so glad it wasn't too serious.
Take care of yourself tonight. Hot soak in a scented tub, a good book and a glass of wine or beer, whatever suits you.
(((Weepy)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
elgel
♂ New Member
Member # 21870
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, December 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a single man I was no stranger to betrayals of the heart both as the inflictor and as the afflicted. I married in my mid-30s. At mid-life I took my first-time marriage vows seriously. My eyes wandered, yes, throughout our now 25-year marriage, but I exercised admirable self-restraint. There was no way I would jeopardize my spouse's trust. I knew from experience how hurtful a betrayal can be.

After 14 years of marriage, while taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication in the midst of a major depression, I found out by accident in 1997 that my spouse had been involved (and possibly was still involved) with a co-worker in a seven-year extra-marital relationship. Ouch! She deemed it to be an "emotional" tie only. (She was not convincing and I was unconvinced.) She declined to discuss it in any detail. I entered into a full-blown, prescription drug-induced insomnia. For months I pathetically queried my spouse each night in the wee hours of the morning about the nature and extent of her connection. "You did'nt meet my needs" was about the only reply that she could muster. "I need him (the co-worker) for weekly therapy, He was trained as a therapist, you know." "Say what?" is all I could respond. (Even then I wondered whether there was a causal link between her long term affair and the onset of my depression.)

My wife worked also for a couple of years with the "faux therapist" at her next employer who hired the former co-worker as a consultant largely at my spouse's sponsorship and recommendation. Jeez, can you imagine it? I never put two-and-two together. Was I enraged after I figured it out? Yes, but I was unable to redress the situation.

When I finally figured it out, I was unemployed. We had two young children. My wife was in denial. She wanted her cake and eat it, too. I sought help from psychologists, psychiatrists, and from a spiritual center. Nothing and no-one helped. Finally my rage subsided, particularly after I became re-employed and re-focused my energies. The matter never resolved, it simply melted from our active consideration. It went underground.

In 1999 my spouse entered into a second (this time unquestionably physcial) affair for about four months with yet another co-worker. We went to counselling. " (It was) .... because you did'nt help out around the house? (Say what?)

Now nine years after her second affair ended and 18 years after she initiated her first affair, I have completely lost it! I am unemployed, back to insomnia, wondering what in the hell I was thinking about, and why I had not taken steps to resolve the matter 18 years earlier.

And of course I blame myself. Blame myself for being emotionally cool and distant and, yes, naive and too trusting. Blame myself for working around the clock at my profession. Blame myself for not being more involved years ago with my family. I actually can see my wife's point of view. I do not condone her faithlessness, disloyalty, and lies. But I understand her point of view. She was short-sighted and cruel. I'm too old to start over and I really don't want to live alone. My wife says she is sorry for having hurt me. For my part I want back the decade of the '90s that she stole from us (or that we stole from one another.)

Throughout the 1990s I thought she was border-line frigid. In retrospect she had turned-off her love lamp --- at least for me anyway. I unknowingly remained chained by my vows to a fraud. I wandered around in darkness for ten years before I realized too late that she had stepped-out on our marriage. I had so compartmentalized the two back-to-back affairs that I somehow missed that together they took a ten-year bite out of our marriage.

Infidelity is one rough s.o.b. You put all your eggs in one basket. The basket tips over. You're crushed. The metaphor fails because your spouse is not a basket: She willfully/deliberately dropped your basket in order to pick up some other dick's eggs. If your primary relationship is your tether, your ground zero, then you become untethered pretty quickly. You recognize in a heartbeat that you've made an enormous investment. In order for the marriage to endure as long as it did survive you had to compromise away many of your d'ruthers. Suddenly you perceive you compromised with someone who billed herself out under false pretensions. You've sucked in good faith all these years on a mostly empty vessel with a crack in it. Your trust leached out of the crack.

You feel yourself to have been cheated. Your self-esteem goes into the toilet. You wonder whether it is the other guy's endowment and chemistry that made your spouse stray. You recognize that your're second fiddle in a triangle. Why? Because the other guy knew about you, but you did'nt know about him.

I'm not a religious but I understand first-hand about the prohibitions against adultery. It can mess you up very badly.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Dec 2008
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.