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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's II
Kiki212
♀ Member
Member # 24434
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how could WS describe themselves while in A?

I felt loved, admired, attractive and emotionally connected to the OM.


BW & STBXWH-both Mid 30's
No kids together, he has preteen D(visitation-no custody)
Multiple DDays- at least to me (see profile for the story)
Separating & Divorcing.

Posts: 398 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: half past the point of no return
EmptyCup
♀ Member
Member # 22909
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kiki - yeah, I agree all of those too.


FWW, reconciled with my best friend <3

Nothing much but love to give you, even less have I to hide - Tim O'Brien


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Feb 2009
hopingwaiting
♀ Member
Member # 23575
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWSs, is it pretty much a crap shoot as to whether the WS will end the A and come back? Is it better to assume they won't end it? Was it a good idea that about 5-6 weeks ago I let him know that I still wanted to work on the M if he cut off all contact with the OW but that I was preparing to move on, also? Thanks-sorry if this is a confusing post.


BW (Me)-34,
our 1st baby born 7/6/09
WH-34
EA turned PA 8/08-present
D-Day#1 (1/1/09) false R,
D-Day #2 (3/17/09)said he couldn't stop contacting her; told him to move out
married 3.5 years; together 5
status-WH filed for D 6/14/10

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2009
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any ws..
What kept you from not leaving your BS for the AP?
Why did you feel you needed to maintain both relationships? Did you get different things from both relationships that you felt you needed? If so, did you ever want the things the AP gave you from your BS? (I refer to things as either emtional or physical)


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hopingwaiting -

is it pretty much a crap shoot as to whether the WS will end the A and come back?

Kind of, because every is different. The preceding events, their character, their willingness to change - all are different for each person.

Was it a good idea that about 5-6 weeks ago I let him know that I still wanted to work on the M if he cut off all contact with the OW but that I was preparing to move on, also?

IMHO, yes - but not in the way you might think. My experience was that the one thing that would help things move forward was the courage and conviction to make a hard choice, get off the fence and deal with the results. Your statement leaves "waffle room". For me, the best thing to say would be that he has two choices. Leave the OW and focus on R, or call an attorney and start the D process. This doesn't guarantee that he ends the A and comes back to you, but it prevents him from stretching out the A and playing games for a prolonged period of time.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
EmptyCup
♀ Member
Member # 22909
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What kept you from not leaving your BS for the AP?

Part of me always knew the relationship with the AP was just a fantasy. I would never have shaken up my whole life for something so uncertain.

Why did you feel you needed to maintain both relationships? Did you get different things from both relationships that you felt you needed? If so, did you ever want the things the AP gave you from your BS? (I refer to things as either emtional or physical)

I was getting sexual excitement, a feeling of being desired, and an emotional connection from the AP. I had been disconnected from my H for a while and apparently I was craving these things. The A was new and exciting and made me feel good about myself. The marriage was broken and made me feel bad about myself. Having two dysfunctional relationships doesn't make one healthy one, though ...


FWW, reconciled with my best friend <3

Nothing much but love to give you, even less have I to hide - Tim O'Brien


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Feb 2009
Kiki212
♀ Member
Member # 24434
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What kept you from not leaving your BS for the AP?

It was never about leaving my BS for the OM. The OM and I went into the EA and PA knowing that was never an option.

Why did you feel you needed to maintain both relationships? Did you get different things from both relationships that you felt you needed? If so, did you ever want the things the AP gave you from your BS?

Because the OM was a friend before anything happened and I didn't want that to change. As for the things I needed, that's why the EA and PA happened. My husband was emotionally and physically detached from me during and post-deployment and hasn't come back (physically he has but only in body-not really sexually and not emotionally) so I reached out and filled that need elsewhere. (harsh, I know)


BW & STBXWH-both Mid 30's
No kids together, he has preteen D(visitation-no custody)
Multiple DDays- at least to me (see profile for the story)
Separating & Divorcing.

Posts: 398 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: half past the point of no return
surmatt
♀ New Member
Member # 24356
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have any of you moved out to be with OW? If so did the fog and reality hit then? My STBWH who just rented an apartment said he is afraid of the next step which is "Reality"

His MOW is going to leave her husband soon and STBX is ambivalent. He knows she wants at least 2 kids(he wants none) and at 45 now, he will probably be raising kids till he's 65. That is if they have them right away. I think he is also realizing how needy she is. A Damsel in distress he may have enjoyed rescuing before. But he can barely handle his own pressures and problems. I think the fog is lifting a bit.

Or is this just temporary? Will he waffle back and forth? I think he will also feel guilt if she leaves her husband for him and then he is stuck with her no matter what. This OMW is also childless,but will stay in her marriage for comfort sake. She says she will only leave for STBX. Otherwise she will stay married since you can't have it all.


Posts: 48 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Los Angeles
lingerdog
♂ Member
Member # 24459
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For WW's that had been laying the groundwork to leave their husband so that they could do what they wanted, such as new bank accounts looking at apartments, things like that.

Did you ever tell husband you wanted out of the marriage? Did you ever come out of the fog, and if so, what do you think triggered coming out of the fog?

[This message edited by lingerdog at 12:26 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday)]


What lies behind us & what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Oliver Wendell Holmes -Stolen from Uni's page

Posts: 8921 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Awesomeville
my3sons
♂ Member
Member # 17667
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, June 24th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To WW's......In reading about WS's and how this rush of emotions come back everytime you see the OM, what is the reaction then if you live in the same small town and see the OM on a more frequent occassion.

Does that basically tell me that you never get rid of those emotions because you never really are able to get them out of your head because of seeing them around so often?

I feel hopeless here. Thanks for any answers.
My3sons


1st OMM - dday 7/28/07
2nd OMM - dday Oct. 2009
BS - (me) 43
FWW? - 41
3 active and wonderful boys 15,13,8

Posts: 281 | Registered: Jan 2008
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, June 24th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lingerdog -

Did you ever tell husband you wanted out of the marriage?

If you'll look in Wayward, I just took a huge leap and told my H in MC that I was trying to decide if I want to stay in the marriage. For all that I was lying and deceiving in my affair, I would never secretly leave. Now that I've told him about my indecision, I'm very much on my way to staying forever.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, June 24th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my3sons -

Does that basically tell me that you never get rid of those emotions because you never really are able to get them out of your head because of seeing them around so often?

I'm lucky enough to live in a big city so I am quite sure I will never run into the AP. (I have not, so far.) However, when he texted me 4 months after dday, it did create turmoil within me.

I think it's really very much like an addiction. You can stay sober, but always have those twinges of wanting a fix, just a small fix. As long as one knows and stays away from that fix - even if it's close by - I think one would be okay.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
MrTrusting
♂ Member
Member # 24048
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for wayward spouses: What did/can your BS do to ease your fears about disclosing an affair?

Thanks,


MrTrusting

Posts: 78 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Delaware
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MrTrusting -

What did/can your BS do to ease your fears about disclosing an affair?

I know that this would be very difficult on the BS. For me, it would be to provide a safe place for me to confess - no yelling, just listen, as you would listen to a friend. Later on, you can react however you want, but at that moment, make it safe.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
lostandafraid
♀ Member
Member # 21125
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Calling all WS - I need some help - fast!

10 1/2 months since d-day, trying to R from day 2.

FWH went to some IC sessions with me - but stopped after he got "beat up" a bit on one session. Seems like he's giving up - sort of like he feels like he'll never be able to do enough, so he's chosen to shut down and do nothing. Talk of S and D, but we're still here.

Tonight it got phsysical, on my part, I apolgoized, I'm ashamed, no excuse - WHAT DOES HE NEED FROM ME!?? He can't tell me - so maybe one of you can. I've told him I've forgiven him, he's not a bad person, etc. But things can't go back to the way they were pre-A, and yesterday, he told a stupid lie that he had his mother back up for him. Is it time to run away, or run towards -I need some help!


Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2008
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostandafraid -

WHAT DOES HE NEED FROM ME!??

What do you need from him? Why were you so mad at him that it got physical? Are you still trying to get questions answered? Are you trying to get him to do things (read, go to counseling, whatever) and he's resisting?

What's going on?

I have a thought, but you won't like it. Can you back off of him a bit? Don't ask him for anything, don't give him anything. Do the 180, kind of. Just communicate the necessities, nothing more. Find something to occupy yourself with, don't invite him to share. Give him a bit of space.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
lostandafraid
♀ Member
Member # 21125
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's what he says he needs - space.

Hawthorned posted on my thread in General and it really got my attention.

"the playing field has been leveled for the time being"

I've done something horrible that I wish I could take back, that I'm so sorry for and so ashamed of.

All I can is tell him I'm sorry and try to make it up to him - but he has to be open to receiving that.

I'm guilty - I haven't been opening to receiving what he's been trying to give.


Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2008
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's what he says he needs - space.

In a good marriage, the couple makes time to talk, preferably every day. And then there are days when you don't talk as much, maybe you or he just want to sit and read a magazine and not talk so much. Sometimes, it's not about the affair. It's been awhile, you say you've forgiven him, I do understand you don't want to go back to the pre-A marriage, but sometimes, it's okay to have a few quiet evenings.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostandafraid ,
if you still think you want to give him an appology for physical harm, you can write him an apporogy letter.

and you said in your update post

He'll have two months - at the end of August - he'll have to tell me if he wants to R or D- and if R, tell me (then show me) what he plans to do this time around. If D, we'll put the house on the market and go our seperate ways.

So give him 2 month to think and use this 2 month period as your practicing 180. No R talk, just focus on you. After passed 2 month and then talk about it in the civil manner......

[This message edited by beach at 10:02 PM, June 25th (Thursday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
hopingwaiting
♀ Member
Member # 23575
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please reply soon! How do I 180 while he is staying with me to take care of the baby--
we are separated, living in different places. He is seeing the OW.
The baby is due any day now.

He started spending the night (separate room) last night. Today he said he had to "run some errands" and would be back to spend the night at the house.
Once our son is born, I DO NOT WANT HIM TO "RUN ERRANDS" for the 3 weeks he is here! Do I tell him this? Do I have the right?


BW (Me)-34,
our 1st baby born 7/6/09
WH-34
EA turned PA 8/08-present
D-Day#1 (1/1/09) false R,
D-Day #2 (3/17/09)said he couldn't stop contacting her; told him to move out
married 3.5 years; together 5
status-WH filed for D 6/14/10

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2009
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