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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's II
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, April 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I deal with an A that is emotional as well as physical?

Okay, so it's still ongoing... It doesn't matter whether it's emotional or physical. Mine was "just" emotional, and it is no less devastating than any other type of affair. My H basically laid down the law - stay or get out. That shocked me into my senses.

But you have to be willing to walk, not just threaten.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, April 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't get the anger.

Angry at getting caught?
Angry at cake-eating ending?
Angry at me?
Angry at life?
Angry at God?

If she is still seeing OM#3, she is still cake-eating, so that has not ended. There is probably anger at everything you listed. I don't know really what it's like for your W, who is still in the A. For me, another part of the anger is at who I became. It'a weird kind of dissociation. So, yeah, anger at life, at the world, at self... but not really anger at my H - he's the only one who did not do anything wrong.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
flygirl96
♀ Member
Member # 22954
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, April 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question:

If the OP called your BS to hurt BS and tell them things about your A would that make you upset at OP or how did it make you feel?


Posts: 339 | Registered: Feb 2009
flygirl96
♀ Member
Member # 22954
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, April 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH said he never stopped loving me and never thought about leaving me while in A. So why have one???

Posts: 339 | Registered: Feb 2009
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, April 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH said he never stopped loving me and never thought about leaving me while in A

Ah yes, sounds just like me... I don't know. I can say loneliness, entitlement, selfishness, immaturity, ego, excitement, stupidity, validation... All that is hollow, even if they are real reasons. So why have an A? Because I was stupid and cowardly. I should have talked to H.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, April 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, US.

I really appreciate your answers.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 4944 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Crazyville ( A little East of St. Louis)
clio
♀ New Member
Member # 23527
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, April 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For wounded spouse: I had a PA with the OM that began after more than a year of non-physical relationship -- not dating relationship, just meeting under the guise of work and talking for hours about non-relational issues. I remember clearly how it happened: one day when we were at his place watching a film, ostensibly for his work, we held hands. I was ready for a PA and the OM was not. On another occasion a little later we spoke about our feelings for each other (I introduced the topic) and at the end of that conversation we kissed. Because the OM had made it clear in the conversation that he did not want a PR, I thought it would be a light platonic kiss. But he initiated a French kiss and I responded. We broke it off and went our separate ways, but that was the beginning, because he was not able to maintain his resolve to stay out of a PR. We kissed on another occasion, then another, and finally ended up in bed with our clothes on, promising not to have intercourse. But that was not going to work... Ultimately we had intercourse and the relationship continued for three months until I had to go on a trip abroad. When I got back, he ended it -- it was too hard to have a secret relationship like that, and we could only have sex at his house (he shared with others and could not have them know about the relationship) or in the great outdoors (yes, we did that) or in my office (yes, we did that too). I did not feel guilty, because I was so unhappy in my sexless marriage, but I did feel uneasy, because I didn't want my H to know. I had hoped that I could carry on an affair and still maintain a marriage. It didn't turn out that way.


FWW, divorced from BH
15 yrs mge, 20 together
son, 12 yrs old
in a new relationship!

Posts: 5 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Bay Area CA
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, April 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listening - you ROCK and thank you. I just didn't know what to say and you totally helped.

Thanks to you and all the other WS on here that help us!


BW, divorced: 03/09


Posts: 14252 | Registered: Jun 2008
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Content  Posted: 9:42 PM, April 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad to see many FWSs are pitching in here. Thanks from me, too!!


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Carnival
♂ Member
Member # 23447
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, April 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

******************************
*** To tell or not to tell ***
******************************

Hi all WSs/FWSs,
I've been reading around in BS forums and by far the prevalent opinion there is that I should tell the OM's BW about the A. I am afraid this opinion mostly represents the BS side though.
I'd like to hear what WSs which have been there have to say about it.


If you are going through hell keep going.
-- Sir Winston Churchill

Posts: 271 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: The next place
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, April 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LookingForLove -

How do I deal with an A that is emotional as well as physical?

It's really hard for a FWS to explain an EA in any way that would make sense because it doesn't make sense to begin with. I wasn't "me" during my A, I was someone else. Someone I let myself become because of my own weaknesses. In essence, nothing I said during that time could be trusted by anyone. I lied to my BW. I lied to xMOW. Most of all I lied to myself. And the one thing that grabbed hold of the "real me" and forced out the "fake me" was being held accountable for my actions.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, April 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

flygirl -

My WH said he never stopped loving me and never thought about leaving me while in A. So why have one???

In my case, it was because I didn't have the coping skills to address the concerns I had about our M. So I took what seemed to be the easy way out.

I was deathly afraid of conflict, and there were things that my BW was doing that were hurting me inside. But instead of making the right choice and talking to her about them, I let the voice inside my head convince me that if I spoke up we would fight. If we fought, she would leverage logic and I would leverage emotion. Logic is based on fact, and thus wins out over emotion, so I convinced myself I would lose the argument. I let things bottle up inside instead. And when I found a place where there were others like me who felt low about themselves and didn't have the strength to confront the people in their life that tore them down - poof - an A was born.

I know how deep my love for my BW has always been. Because were it not the strongest force possible, we would not still be together. I made the commitment to R, as scary as it was in the early days, because my love for my BW guided me to do so.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, April 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Carnival -

To tell or not to tell

This choice is totally situational. In my case, my BW never communicated (to my knowledge) with either xMOW nor her BH. Had she outed the relationship, I doubt it would have had any impact. xMOW was playing with multiple married men, and had already checked out of her own marriage. It was likely that D was going to happen in the near future (I'm guessing it has happened by now). There was zero change for R in that relationship.

Yes, it makes sense that a high number of BS's would plead for the A to be outed. They place their own pain into the situation and think "if only someone had told me sooner". And to a degree, they are right.

I think there are certain situations where you have to be careful about telling. For example, if there is a fear of either the OP or their BS turning violent toward you or your WS, it may make sense not to tell and just to focus on your own healing. Or if the OP were a work colleague and it could have an immediate impact on your financial security. I think you have to evaluate your own circumstances and decide what is best and safest for you.

The one thing I do think is critical is that if you are going to out the relationship, this needs to be the same process as a NC letter. One and done. Tell, then walk away and focus on your own healing. Staying involved with the OP or their BS keeps the destruction of the A alive and detracts from your own ability to heal.

I wish you luck in whichever path makes the most sense to you.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
betrayed 35
♀ Member
Member # 22169
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, April 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question:

How long did it take you to fully see the light and understand and comprehend just what has happened?

Is there anything we can do as BS to help you see reality 100%?

My H still thinks his OW is the greatest person in the world- I don't believe we can ever get to R if he still beieves this. It's only been a month since the final breakup with NC, but he needs to start seeing that she has flaws.


me-BW 31 WH-36
dday 1 9-8-08 and they keep coming-last one 8-20-09
married 8 years together 10
2 great boys 5 and 7
Working towards R

We need the cloudy days so we appreciate the sunny ones :)


Posts: 187 | Registered: Dec 2008
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, April 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

betrayed35 -

How long did it take you to fully see the light and understand and comprehend just what has happened?

5 months of post D-Day fog for me. I needed the combination of IC, reading and conversation with my BW and being held accountable for transparency in my actions sustained over time.

What can you do to help?

Hold strong accountability when the actions of your WS don't match the words.

Have patience as your WS tries to find their way out of the fog and piece by piece restores themselves to reality.

Focus on the healing of your own relationship. Leave the OP out of the focus or you may find yourself anchored in the pain of the A.

Balance positive feedback for the good things being done with challenging on the work still yet to be done.

Openly communicate what you are feeling and experiencing, seeking understanding from your WS over time.

[This message edited by Listeningclosely at 8:44 AM, April 9th (Thursday)]


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, April 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long did it take you to fully see the light and understand and comprehend just what has happened?

This question is unclear... If you are wondering does the WS know that an A is horrible and what the hell is he/she doing, then, yeah, I knew fully, the whole time. If you are asking does the WS know what is broken inside that led to the A, well, I'm still working on it, 4 months out.

Is there anything we can do as BS to help you see reality 100%?

Um, "reality" is an iffy word to me. How can my BS help me get out of the fog quicker? The 180 and setting up strong boundaries. Work on yourself - take care of yourself, surround yourself with true friends, be strong.

he needs to start seeing that she has flaws.

That's not necessarily the correct mindset... It does not matter what the OP is like. The OP can be kind, bitchy, gorgeous, dumpy, tall, short, younger, older, smart, stupid, homeless addict, upper management... Getting him to admit she has flaws is not what gets him out of the fog. (Of course, one of the techniques to get over someone is to think of something to hate about the OP, but that's only if the WS himself wants to do it that way.) NC and time and a desire on his part to get through it... Unfortunately, there are no short cuts.

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 10:04 AM, April 9th (Thursday)]


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
new_outlook
♂ Member
Member # 19398
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, April 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those WS's who successfully R and are in a happy marriage, do you still have feelings of love for the AP? Not that you would act on them, but over time do those feelings get less or are they always at the front of your mind?

If my wife and I do R, I struggle with knowing that those thoughts are there. We have never had a relationship with anyone else until she had her A. It is a difficult pill to swallow.


BS (Me) - 47
STBXWW - 46
Married for 24 years
Together 27 years
2 children (19 and 15)
D-day 3/19/08
Update: Divorced finalized 12/28/12! Yea!

Posts: 412 | Registered: May 2008
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, April 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

new_outlook -

do you still have feelings of love for the AP

Not only do I not have feelings of love for xMOW, I now see clearly that what I stated was love during the A was not love at all. It was a programmed response designed to generate the feedback I was trying to get (ego stroking, terms of endearment from xMOW, etc.).

It takes a good deal of work in IC to see this clearly, but once you do it's like someone took a blindfold off and to see everything for what it truly is instead of what you were imagining it was.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Kwills
♀ Member
Member # 13172
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, April 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those WS's who successfully R and are in a happy marriage, do you still have feelings of love for the AP? Not that you would act on them, but over time do those feelings get less or are they always at the front of your mind?

At this point I believe that I loved him in the way I was capable of loving at that time. Which was unhealthy and dependent, we were feeding off of each other to meet our own emotional needs. Like two people clinging to a raft after a ship capsizes. He was a very important part of my life for quite some time, even in non-A related things, and if he had never been in my life I would not have the things I have today that have improved my life and my marriage.

My husband bought me a journey pendant to celebrate my new job. This new job actually is tied to many things including my past dreams, my marriage and my journey with my husband, how our paths diverged, and our efforts to come together--maybe--again. It is not the traditional journey pendant with a single curved line. This one has a gold curve and a silver curve in addition to the traditional diamond curve. It symbolizes the many twists and turns that life actually takes, and the interwovenness of all of our lives. It symbolizes how a twisted and painful path can be taken as part of the journey. For us that included the affair. If these painful things had not happened, we would not be at the place we are today.

To pretend never to have or have had feelings for me would be total hypocrisy. And yes, I'm honest with my husband about that. He expects no less.

Kwills


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Jan 2007
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, April 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do you still have feelings of love for the AP?

Still working on R... What I felt for the AP was never "love". It was more of a challenge, an ego thing, a bit of excitement, whatever. Never love.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
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