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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's II
cantbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure many WS would not go for that. Do you think that yours will?

I don't know but if he chooses not to, then I think that the A might not be over. He should have nothing to hide.


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If my husband asked me to take a polygraph, I would refuse. Not because there is nothing to hide, but because I am not a criminal and when it gets to the point that he's treating me as one, I think there's not much left to save in a marriage anyway.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
cantbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not about treating him like a criminal, it's just that after 4 years of lying and being very good at it, I need to know it's over. I'm tired of spying. I could put a VAR in his car, but then I'd be the one stressing out. Would it be uncomfortable....yes, but he should have thought about all the consequences when he was lying and sleeping with her for 4 years.


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, March 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You asked a question. I gave you my opinion. That's what this thread is for.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
cantbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, March 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Fallen. I did ask for opinions. I didn't mean to question your response, I'm just tired of all my doubt and what I'm going through. I just want it to be over with.


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, March 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand.... if he's not remorseful and showing you that in every other way, it makes sense that you're looking for a way to put the questions to rest. But I do think that even with a negative poly, you're still going to have doubts, because that's what betrayal does to you. It makes you question everything, even when you have "proof." I'm sorry for your pain. (((cant)))


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for the WS's.
Due to a host of life issues when I was in my early 20's, my self-esteem was way down in the toilet.

Then I met my fWH/DH.
I always felt that he was the best I could deserve (at the time) due to my own personal issues.

Over the years, that "personal belief" changed due to some major life events and changes, and I felt all the love, respect and honor due him.

Had my own personal issues NOT been present/and or had had the time to handle them in an honest (to myself) way, I would never have married him.

Well, we're now about 1.5 years past Dday, and I worry that although I have changed, that he may no longer be the man for me.

YET, because of being married to him so long, and because of a life-long STD received from him/his ONS, that no one else will have me now either. Just him. (Again, I got what I deserved.)

My question (at last!) is as a WS, would you want to know that information?

My husband knows that I'm battling some heafty issues, and wants to know what they are. I haven't been able to tell him.

What am I supposed to say?
That he was never good enough for me, but I thought he was back then, but now that I've changed, he no longer is? That I feel he's the ONLY one that would "want" me because of everything?

Don't get me wrong. I DO love him and could never love another as I have him. Wouldn't even WANT to. I WILL remain married to him as divorce or a separation isn't in my plans.

How much truth is TOO MUCH?


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
diditagn
♀ Member
Member # 3433
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for WS

If you ever left your bs to get away from the pain, can you explain why a ws would have pain? (I don't mean that disrespecfully) Is it the pain of the A's or the pain of the marriage? Or both?
Every situation is different, but I guess the question is...What type of pain did you have after d-day or divorce? You may pm me if you would like.

Thanks


Happy people don't have the best things, they make the best with what they have.

Posts: 1556 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: WI
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

after 4 years of lying and being very good at it, I need to know it's over

Polygraph or not, after 4 years of lying, why isn't it over already? Sorry, I'm not being impertinent (well, not trying to be), but H and I have discussed this. One thread I read had someone checking his wife's mileage every day and entering it in a spreadsheet to check variances. If one had to go to that extent, it's not much of a M left, I think.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you ever left your bs to get away from the pain, can you explain why a ws would have pain?

I did not leave, but I can tell you what the pain is. During the A, I rationalized that what my H did not know did not hurt him. After the A, the knowledge that I have hurt him beyond belief was extremely painful. To have to talk about thinking about another man is ... it is to become someone you never thought you were. Whatever vestige of "honor" that is left in you cringes in horror to realize that your H can look at you and know you have done something so horrible.

Have you never done something wrong that you were nervous or guilty about afterward? Have you never accidentally broken something and not confessed, but swore you would never go to that store again? Or drove too fast, but the police did not see you, yet your heart was pounding anyway? Or your mom told you only two cookies and you ate three, but she didn't notice, and you felt horrible inside?

Now imagine that what you did was 1000 times worse than that. Even if you ran away, you would still feel that pain. It eats at you, it's all-encompassing.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband knows that I'm battling some heafty issues, and wants to know what they are. I haven't been able to tell him.

What am I supposed to say?
That he was never good enough for me, but I thought he was back then, but now that I've changed, he no longer is? That I feel he's the ONLY one that would "want" me because of everything?

Are you in any counseling? This is one of those things my therapist would tell me that I had to talk to my H about. He talks about being authentic in your interactions with your spouse. If there is something that huge that you cannot tell him, it will remain a barrier to true intimacy.

Surely there is a way to tell him that isn't so hurtful...

I wish you the best.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
brokenbutstrong2
♀ Member
Member # 22446
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, March 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need advice today from any WS or FWS... not sure what the correct terminology is. Or any BS that have been through anything similar. This saturday, we have to go to the city where my H met his FOW( an ex who he had an 8 month EA with and a ONS. there has been NC since Jan.) Anyway, we HAVE TO go to a family event there and I am scared to death of my reaction. It came to a head this morning when I came downstairs after being up all night after a dream about them together. I finally broke down and told him why I was upset. He got mad and said if I had already forgiven him, as I said I did, then I wouldnt be mad. The thing is, I am not mad at him, just a wave of hurt. I told him I honestly did forgive him, but he said he didnt want to hear that anymore. That my actions would back up my words. How do I act on Saturday having to go up there? Do I keep it in, knowing he knows it will be hard. I feel like I am rambling. In the back of my mind, I am scared he will look elsewhere again if I show anger/hurt or anything that reminds him of what he did. If I forgive him, does that mean I need to leave it alone and not throw it in his face anymore? What if I loose it having to go to this city on Saturday. Will it take away from all of the progress we have made in the past few months of R. Sorry if I am not making sense. Just trying to get all of this out of my head.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: USA
really?
♀ Member
Member # 21943
Sad  Posted: 11:08 AM, March 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS: Have any of you told your BS ILYBINILWY or I no longer love you but care deeply for you?

If yes, have any of you changed your mind/realized you did not mean it and the feelings were just buried?

My WH said so many horrible things that he now says he regrets because they werent true (I married you cuz you were there. I was never in love with you, etc.) We after 4 mos of MC and IC he says he only loves me as a friend and has so many doubts that we can make it in this M.

I've decided to stop torturing myself by wishing the love of my life felt the same about me. We decided to separate and I just want to hear from other WS so I know I'm not just being impatient...he really means it doesn't he?

As I read what I have typed, I once again feel as if I am just looking for a glimmer of hope...a fucking scrap to hang onto...I am pathetic!


Doesn't matter anymore. I'm broken.

Hey LNS, a fellow SI'er said it best: If it fucks like a whore and lies like a whore, it's probably a whore. Thanks for being such a great friend!


Posts: 333 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: somewhere in my brokenheart
DoneThat
♀ Member
Member # 23040
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, March 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would also like to see that response to the above question. So often my H looks at me like I am blaming him but what I am really doing is HURTING and need a way out of the madness.
Is there some point when the fWS decides to make it about the BS and not about themselves? Y don't the recognize this??

Waywards and others:
My H says truth now. He tries to focus on being SO honest as if that's gonna make it up in an instant. We talked and he says this ...

"I don't feel remorse (for the A).. I don't know why. I didn't want you to hurt but I don't feel remorse."

"I can't say that I am 100% sure that I will never do it again because nobody can know w/100% certainty."

Anybody have a comment on these things? I feel like,duh, isn't that 100% why you marry someone and say forsaking,etc..? Is it okay to keep him around here if he is still feeling this way and working back to the relationship? such a foggy guy!




Posts: 923 | Registered: Feb 2009
Sandcrab
♀ Member
Member # 10067
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, March 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H says truth now. He tries to focus on being SO honest as if that's gonna make it up in an instant. We talked and he says this ...

"I don't feel remorse (for the A).. I don't know why. I didn't want you to hurt but I don't feel remorse."

"I can't say that I am 100% sure that I will never do it again because nobody can know w/100% certainty."

My opinion on this is that your WS doesn't feel remorse because your WS isn't really understanding what this has done to you and your marriage. I hope that he will get there and see the pain he has caused.

Is he on SI? I believe he should talk to someone.

Are you willing to continue without 100% certainty that your WS will not do this again? I think it should be all or nothing, unless that is something you will be able to live with.

I know there is a 100% chance that I will NOT do that again. I don't ever want to go back to that place.

I hope you can work though this but it doesn't sound like your WS is doing anything. But you have to know this is the first post of yours that I have read and I don't know your background. I do hope your WS is doing something to show you the respect you deserve.


I ♥ LostJim

Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/


Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere...
DoneThat
♀ Member
Member # 23040
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, March 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sandcrab-
he's not on SI. Wish he was that kind of guy. He's a sweep it under the rug type.

He won't do IC or MC. He has never been able to open up to people and doesn't like to talk feelings. He acts it out.

I talked to IC last night. IC DEFENDED MY WS and said "no, there's actually more like an 83% chance that he won't do it again to be quite honest"..

I battled that one. I told IC that I CAN SAY for sure 100% that I could not do this to my spouse. It's a choice.

Looking into new IC btw.

H has this twisted way of looking at it like it was meant to happen. I don't know if he'll ever feel remorse. selfish? Yes.

I'm beginning to call out "bullshit!" around here quite often. It may end up an argument if that's where he wants to take it.. but I won't be forgotten:)

I know I am 100% Christian. We make mistakes.. but do what we can to arm ourselves against this kind of stuff once we've learned our lesson. Seems H has yet to learn.




Posts: 923 | Registered: Feb 2009
diditagn
♀ Member
Member # 3433
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you as a ws feel that you were taking a risk with reconciling and what do you think that risk was?


Happy people don't have the best things, they make the best with what they have.

Posts: 1556 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: WI
ArkLaMiss
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He only seems to do the MUST list when I blow the proverbial fuse, kwim? And even then, the things that I have asked of him only get done at HIS convenience if at all.
I'm just not really feeling it, you know? I just don't see the suppossed effort. I mean, it's been over 4 years since d-day, and he thinks he's done everything, when the truth is he hasn't. He put so much effort into the other fucking internet cyber-fuck-friends, and NADA into fixing this. WTF? I mean, he broke it so shouldn't he be the one to fix it?
Oh, and he had the nerve to tell me that I never say I love you, which I don't. The reason I don't? Well, because I don't think that he deserves to hear it from me when I don't really feel it. I mean he said it to the internet fuck friends like it was nothing, which to ME means that he doesn't even KNOW what I love you means, or the VALUE of it, to just throw it around like that to some cheap internet whore, kwim?
I don't know, maybe it IS me, but can anyone tell me what the hell I should or should not be doing/expecting here? I'm not even sure what I'm saying much less where this was suppossed to go.
Help?


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1121 | Registered: Jun 2007
1DLW
♀ Member
Member # 21971
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokenbutstrong2,
You should tell him how you feel, tuff if he doesn't like it. It is HIS fault you have these feelings.
You're going to a place that will be a huge trigger for you, he needs to understand that and help you get through it.
Forgiving him has nothing to do with it. That doesn't erase what he did and how it makes you feel.


WS 42

Posts: 483 | Registered: Dec 2008
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know they are full of lies, but let's say my WH is really thinking about coming back.
He knows there's alot of baggage and that it's going top be a hell of a lot of work.
How many said no because of this?


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
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