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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's II
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, February 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would never consider a RA but why would this not bother the daylights out of him?

I would guess that he trusts in your integrity. That's a good thing. It doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't think you're unattractive to other men.

I was never jealous of my BH who did end up having an A of his own. But I truly believed in him and never suspected a thing.

Just depends on the WS.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
1DLW
♀ Member
Member # 21971
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, February 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would never consider a RA but why would this not bother the daylights out of him? It really bugs me that it does not seem to bother him

It's simple, He has no reason to be worried. If my BH had same situation I would not be worried either. He never cheated on me, he never lied to me, I have no reason not to trust him.
Take it for what it is and try not to over analyze. He loves you and trusts you. That's a beautiful thing.


WS 42

Posts: 483 | Registered: Dec 2008
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, February 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

really bugs me that it does not seem to bother him.

I have total faith in my H. I'm the one whose moral compass is made of wood. He always does the right thing.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, February 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

)I was just reading the FAQ's for WS from BS. There was an answer stating that sometimes they never come out of the fog, they were in a fog in the marriage or they come out, but just want a D.
My WH says he lost his love for me BEFORE the A began, and that he feels now as though he can never be "in love" with me but he wants to discover where his feelings are with her...and yes they are still talking....they were friends before he lost his love for me.
PLease if an FWS could help this would be GREAT.
2)have you ever said I love you , but I'm not in love with you, and just not meant it?...explain


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, February 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dayatatime -

I would never consider a RA but why would this not bother the daylights out of him? It really bugs me that it does not seem to bother him.

The other posters probably have the right angle. You say you would never consider an RA. Your BH likely knows that too.

The other possibility which gets stated quite a bit in Wayward is a feeling in the WS of deserving the pain of an RA. In essence, we deserve to be punished, and may feel the BS has every right to go out an have an RA after we opened the door. After all, who are we to say you can't have one when we went out and did what we wanted.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
newmommy83
♀ New Member
Member # 22011
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for a wayward husband. My husband had an affair during that started during the eighth month of my pregnancy and lasted about 6 weeks. I have seen all of the messages that he sent her and it almost killed me. He told me that he never meant any of the things he said to her and he was just trying to get in her pants. I am not being cocky but this woman does not even compare to me in any way. We could not have sex at the time because of a high risk pregnancy. He even told her that he never meant any of the things he said, but should i believe him. I thought i should get a mans outlook on this. He ended all contact with her a while back and he has begged me to stay. He has agreed to everything i ask and he has been a great daddy. Is it possible that he is telling me the truth?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Posts: 23 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Tennessee
srb1608
♀ Member
Member # 19477
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondering -
My FWH is a very affectionate man that equates love and sex extremely related. During the last lets say ?? probaly 5 years of marriage I was going through a stressful work environment, self esteem issues and also just selfish. H asked me many times if i still loved him or was attracted to him because i never initiated sex and when he did i either withheld it or acted like it was a chore. I KNOW HE SHOULDNT HAVE CHEATED NO MATTER WHAT. So i dont need that addressed, but my rambling question is---- has that been the main reason any of you WH cheated?
And now that i almost lost him we have a wonderful physical, mental, and spiritual connection. Can it be enough for him now? His actions say yes.


BS- me 37
WS -him 37
Married 13 years

Posts: 2220 | Registered: May 2008
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what's an RA


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi sofresh

RA stands for a revenge affair. Some betrayed spouses (BS) have affairs because their wayward spouse (WS) had an affair(A). Hope that helps. You'll get use to all the abbreviations.


Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P.S. to sofresh

I should have mentioned that you can go into 'The Healing Library' and click on 'abbreviations'. You won't find all the abbreviations used here, but you will find most of them. It's quite helpful, especially when first coming to this site.


Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
wherewerewe
♂ Member
Member # 20631
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for WS:
Did you attempt to get your AP to become friends with your H during your A? If so, why??



Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2008
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

srb -

has that been the main reason any of you WH cheated?

In my case, sort of a tangent to your point. What I perceived was that my good points went under appreciated and my bad points were "always" emphasized. Our intimacy had decreased over time in frequency, but when we were intimate it was awesome. The reality is the demands of having a family of four kids - especially when I checked out and dumped all the work of raising them on my BW - was draining and the energy and time just wasn't there for intimacy.

I viewed the combination of less compliments, more criticism and less intimacy as my BW not caring as much for me. And unfortunately, there are far too many people out there feeling under appreciated who are only too willing to stroke someone's ego in order to get the same in return.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wherewerewe -

Did you attempt to get your AP to become friends with your H during your A?

I kept my real world and my A world totally separate. It was the only way the fantasy could be maintained in the A of a place of pure bliss. If it had crossed over into my real world, the fog would probably have lifted a lot faster.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

can ws please explain the addiction to the OP so we can all understand? Is this only realized after ending A?

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
2yrsinthedark
♀ Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, February 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can the WH ever be ok with not being trusted again? After he broke NC twice, I dont think I can ever trust him again, even though we continue w/ R. I know it bothers my WH very much. I might have been able to trust again after dday, he seemed so sincere full of remorse, yet he called her again. I will not set myself up to be hurt like that again.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, February 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nlovemyfamily,
I responded to your thread in General, but since I saw your same question here, I am posting here also.


I posted Addictive Relationship thread in Wayward last year. I am over 2 years out FWW.

Is this only realized after ending A?
yes.

If you are interested. I also bumped it for you.

Here is the original thread http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231032

If you are still in the fantasy stage and only enjoying the highs, think about this. Addictive relationships have you doing things you would not 'normally' do.

*Like sitting and waiting for a long time for a phone call and then getting moody when it doesn't happen.

*Like keeping your schedule open for "what if" someone is available; putting you life 'on hold' for someone else.

*Like doing things you wouldn't do except that it's for/about "that" person.

*Like being cranky and mean to other people in your life because you are not happy with the way the addictive R is going.

*Like obsessing in your mind and compulsive behavior to be with the person.

*Like forgetting about 'everything' else in your life when in the presence of the person. This is where reality meets fantasy. You are so myopic (near sighted) you don't see the rest of the world around you. You create a reality to escape to and push away the rest of the world - reality.

*You feel love, and especially passion, but you are not loving to the rest of the world. Your love is coveted for the one person.

*The difference between an addictive relationship and a healthy relationship is how it affects your OTHER relationships; especially the one with yourself!

Rather than thinking of it as real vs addictive think of it as healthy vs addictive. What is a healthy relationship? Fantasy is just part of addictive relationships. A healthy relationship doesn't need fantasy... it's just... healthy!

I got this from one of my wise women. And I don't miss those emotional roller coasters. I don't want to go back there.


Can anyone explain to me how you get into this type of relationship??
Let me briefly say, for some people, it was started out as a friendship, and it was becoming slipperly slope and her/his mental boundary became fuzzy and then selfishly emotionally cross the boundary, before they know it, it became a part of their daily life and made them think like they couldn't live without it.
For some, it started out as FWB/hooked up at online site , and thinking that they could handle it by compartmentalizing, and the time goes by, mental boundary became fuzzy and then selfishly emotionally cross the boundary and before they know it, it went deeper and stuck.
Also some of them are like my sitch, we were open to start with and sex only meeting was ok, but as time goes by, mental boundary become fuzzy and selfishly emotionally cross the boundary and before we know it, it went deeper and stuck. At that stage, it became a part of our life and couldn't stop.

What is it about the other person that fuels these feelings
The way the OPs made FWSs feel. Many stroking egos....My XOM was out of league (younger, artistic, lean athretic, musician looks). Over time, I made him up as a fantasy boyfriend. Even though I was married, but I was thinking of myself as a wife and I was a royal girlfriend to xOP at the same time and I wanted to be connected with him 24/7. XOM's telling me we were hot looking couple and that having xOM being into me made me feel I still 'got' it, didn't help. It made me fell like I was acting in the fantasy world. Acting out with the ideal fantasy lover in the limited time, sex became intense and leaving me the feeling of wanting for more and looking forward to the next meeting. It gave me the high and was getting addictive activities for me.
I am 1.5 year out. My lifestyle changed and I am much happier. My boundary wall is up high. I have no desire to go back to where I was.. I am not empty inside anymore, thus I don't need any external validation anymore. I feel blessing every day.

Speaking from my own experience, when most FWSs were not in the normal 24/7 relationship with xAP and not in the marrieage where there is no domestic responsibilities, taking care of kids, or paying the bills, most WS tend to rominticize xAP looking through the rose colored glasses and think xAP is ideal person in their view. Limited time meetings/communication fuels the fantasy world and it enabled FWSs to perpetuate the fantasies and became the intense meeting/chat session and look forward to the next session.
I hope this makes sense.

I am a living proof that after went through the cold turkey, I have no desire to go back to those dark days. All I had to do was not only have to have willing power, but reminding myself that by putting my self to be in the discreet relationship, it is lowering my self worth. That helped. Also I didn't want to confuse myself, thus I don't want to lose my true self again. Make sense?

Let's not forget following stuff.


*Healthy love isn't a secret

*Healthy love doesn't deceive anyone

*Healthy love doesn't leave you in a state of confusion

*Healthy love doesn't cause resentment

*Healthy love doesn't have you 'waiting, just in case'

*Healthy love isn't bits and pieces of your partners time

*Healthy love doesn't have you lower your expectations

Hope this helps.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, February 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2yrsinthedark,

Can the WH ever be ok with not being trusted again? After he broke NC twice, I dont think I can ever trust him again, even though we continue w/ R. I know it bothers my WH very much. I might have been able to trust again after dday, he seemed so sincere full of remorse, yet he called her again. I will not set myself up to be hurt like that again.


I understand that it takes 2-5 years to be able to heal and that, it is natural for BS to feel doubt. Even we are 2 years out, I continue to be open book and transparent. I don't mind that I have no privacy either. I will always speak for my truth.

Hang in there.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my question is for ww's....my wh ow#1 was a msrried woman and he single and uninvolved when she began her affair with him.....over the next 25 years they had very sporadic sex, talked sometimes monthly, sometimes months later...the affair never ended just had "downtime".....they did not always have intercourse...he tells me that she would just give him blowjobs when they got together in a parking lot......she says she loves her bh and my wh.....my wh and she have exchanged the ily and played the what if game....what if we married......so my question is this:

what did she get out of this relationship? she had multiple opportunities to be with my wh because he had freedom (when i was still trusting) and would choose not to....my wh could easily go to her house 2-3 times a week in the a.m. when she had no one home and she did not go for this....why not?


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
lostandafraid
♀ Member
Member # 21125
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, WS's- almost 7 months post d-day.

Hit a VERY bad patch around the 6 month mark and can't seem to get out of it.

FWH says he's doing his part, basically keeping NC with MOW. Umm, WTF is up with that comment? Also says he feels like he can never do enough, feeling unhappy, doesn't want out, but doesn't know how to make it better for both of us.

I admit that I am having a hard time coping these days. I just can't understand the how and the way of how this happened. I feel like FWH must have really, truly hated me during the A period to bring MOW to OUR home. For God sakes, why or how would someone who says he loves me do that??

We're at a point that I know if I can't learn to let go of this, we're doomed.

As a WS, what can I do for him to make him see it's just something we have to work through, or should I even been trying anymore?


Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2008
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi iwantamiracle,

what did she get out of this relationship? she had multiple opportunities to be with my wh because he had freedom (when i was still trusting) and would choose not to....my wh could easily go to her house 2-3 times a week in the a.m. when she had no one home and she did not go for this....why not?

It's not my case, and my take on this is, she is one of those FWWs, who really loved her BH and her MM and thought her marital home was secred, and wanted to keep fantasy separate from reality.

[This message edited by beach at 8:57 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
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