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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's II
Relief
♂ Member
Member # 21989
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am almost 5 months out since d-day. I am still upset, angry, still say to myself out loud that I can't believe she did this to us.
I still can't get over the fact or understand how she could say she "loved" him! within the time frame of a 3.5 month EA turned PA. I mean

Posts: 122 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Chicago
Relief
♂ Member
Member # 21989
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somehow got cut off from the above.
How could it go from zero to 60 in just a few weeks???? We have been together 14 YEARS! Where did she think this was going for her? If she loved him then what about me and her 6 and 8 year old? I just cannot comprehend?????
WS's??? Any answers?

Posts: 122 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Chicago
Odeilia
♀ New Member
Member # 22705
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have trouble being intimate with my BH sometimes because of how my one night stand affected the way I view myself sexually. After my ONS I felt that no man was really interested in me outside of being sexual with me. So when my husband wants to have sex with me, there is this voice in my head that says "well, that's all you're really good for anyway". I think that comes from an underlying sense of worthlessness.


WS (me) - 26
BS - 26
DDay- December 6 2008

"I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
do what it takes to step through."


Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2009
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks feelsobad for your reply--

I understand what I need to do--it is just so hard doing it and living in the same house...


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
feelsobad
♂ Member
Member # 22260
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LookingforLove,

Hard yes; but you are doing this for YOUR family, your children's' future, and your future.

I also recommend that you consider having your H install key logging software on your computer over which you have the pass code. Playing detective and spy isn't healthy and does not appear to be working. He need to take responsibility for protecting you from the pain he caused and is still causing and he needs to give you full access and control over your environment (in this case the computer). By having him do the install, he will clearly know that there will be no secrets (which some suggest fuels the A) and that you will know when he makes his choices. There is always the choice to purchase a new laptop with thumb/finger login and get rid of the old computer..and only you can log in...if he wants to use the computer, then he has to ask you for permission.

mean, yes; perhaps harsh even...but he owes you piece of mind.

Based upon what you wrote, you still owe him the chance to prove himself to you by letting him know he has taken this too far for too long.

I hope you two can work it out...i really do.


Me - feelssobad - recovering WH
BW - thisistough
D-Day - December 23, 2008
Married - 5 yrs
Together - 8 yrs
Filed for divorce right away; Final in about a month. BW has given up on us. She has asked me to move on. Move on to where?

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Wisconsin
roccodom
♀ Member
Member # 19714
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you feelsobad

He has had times where he really "gets it". I have seen it and heard it. It's sustaining it for him. He seems to fall back when I ask him again. This irritates him - there is so much anger that is directed toward me.

He really has a hard time confronting everything. Our MC has said to him - "Why can't you be caught doing anything wrong?" It comes down to FOO issues of course.

Everytime he moves backwards in his thinking - he pushed me back too.

My question is ... is this a normal part of the process or am I just in for trouble in that he may glimpse "it", but can't accept "it" permanently. It would mean it is him and he can't do that.

The irony in the whole thing is he is a better husband and better father than he ever was - by a long shot. And I see him trying very hard. Do these actions override the words that he tells me??

[This message edited by roccodom at 9:27 AM, February 4th (Wednesday)]


BS - me (45) WS - him (45)
married 16 yrs (DS 11yrs, DD 9yrs)
#1 PA - DDay 12/97
#2 PA DDay 5/08
#3 PA DDay 2/12
Trying R
Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security.


Posts: 789 | Registered: May 2008 | From: MO
woundedspouse
♀ Member
Member # 16657
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted 3 topics in General on:

REMOSRE

TRANSPARENCY

OWNING IT


I would love to hear WS opinions on these things. Should I cross post here? Is that allowed?

I think it would be good to answer in general as the opinions of both WS and BS are so important on the "basics" in R, but that is JMHO

Let me know if I should post them here as well.

Your very wise and genrous opinions are appreciated!!!

Wounded


Wounded Spouse
ME - 41 BS
HIM 51 WS
Married 2/93 3 beautiful children
DDay #1 8-26-07 DDay #2 11-8-07 DDAy #3 12-23-07 DDay #?! 7-2-07
"If you ask me what I came into this world to do, I will tell you: "I came to live out loud."

Posts: 1381 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: midwest,
akasha_1973
♀ Member
Member # 22735
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you as the WS entered the affair and you left your wife for the OW, did you make statements that it was the happiest you've ever been and months down the road realized you had made a mistake?


WS - 38
BS (me) - 35
OW (groupie whore) - 23 - soon to be child bride because they are SOULMATES and need to be united for eternity.
DS 6 months
WS Left the house Aug 19/08
D-Day Oct 4/08
Has been living with her since the day he left.

Posts: 383 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Canada
ltstartingover
♀ Member
Member # 21333
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first post here in this section. Be gentle with me. :)

Did you or are you, still not telling the truth to your BS about the past because you don't want to "hurt" them even further? My WH will not fess up to things I know he did in the past. A few weeks ago we had a talk and he told me some things - then last night - we had another talk and he gives me different answers.

What really pisses me off is that I don't think he is doing anything now. I think he "gets" what he did in the past. He's remorseful and all that - he just WON'T TELL ME THE TRUTH!

I think I need to take a break from everything....I'm feeling a panic attack or heart attack coming....


Posts: 481 | Registered: Oct 2008
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 3:03 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To everyone on this thread

Please read the BS FAQ's, WS FAQ's and BS To WS FAQ's in the Healing Library. Also, please read this entire thread first before posting questions...many of them have already been answered.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192147 | Registered: May 2002
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[I was advised to post this here instead of in Wayward. I can't shake the guilt feeling, although a few people on SI have told me that I caught myself early and didn't cross a line. I feel as if I have. I'm in a knot.]

I don't even know where to begin with this one. I'm concerned about my reaction to something and I need the WSs here to tell me if I'm being colossally stupid.

As many of you know, it's been a rough year for Mr. T and I. His father lived with us for nearly the entire calendar year of 2008. I wasn't informed of this until a week before FIL moved in and the move-out date kept getting pushed back, further and further and further. I was at the end of my rope by May and told Mr. T that the disrespect was eating at me and I couldn't abide by it any longer. I was going to have to start making plans for myself until he chose to step up and tell his father "No more."

FIL moved out in October at long last. Meanwhile, I'd begun my own business after being a SAHM for 8 years. Part of my business is tech writing, and as such I fell in with a crew of writers and computer geeks online. We all exchange emails, notes on Facebook, tweets on Twitter, etc. Social networking is a crucial aspect of my work and I cannot forego it -- in fact, I think it's valid to say that I need to increase my online presence even still.

There is one particular man whose notes and such were fun, intelligent, informative and kind. You can tell he's just a straight-up, top-shelf person. We have only ever talked about business (or the personal aspects of what we do, such as "Writer's block today -- say something geeky to inspire me").

For the past few weeks, whenever I get a message from him I smile.

Hold the phone! What? Just a smile? Yeah. Just a smile. But...

I think I'm on a slippery slope. I've stopped all contact with this person outside of business-only, and even that is being limited as much as possible. All writing and business-related emails that I must send to him I've started copying to two or three other people who have similar interests. I'm trying to keep as public and transparent as possible.

Ready for the kicker? Mr. T likes and admires this guy, and is always asking what Techie and I talked about today. I've copied a few notes over to Mr. T as well so he can see, but I feel kind of icky doing so.

With all the stress and strain of the past year, and all the feeling like I wasn't being heard or protected or understood by Mr. T, I can see how my self-esteem was beginning to warp. I can see how the attention from someone in a work situation has started giving me an emotional boost. I can see how easy it would be for me to continue to feed off the ego pats. I mean, Techie is currently writing something for me about software, defending my stands on a pretty crucial philosophical point. Compare that to Mr. T who didn't seem to outwardly be able to even tell his dad "Threnody is not a maid" ...

I want to talk to Mr. T about this. I need help finding the words. Some writer I am, huh?

I need support and encouragement from the WS here before I end up wrecking my happily ever after. How do I explain to Mr. T what has happened, and how to I ask him to support and back me up and re-engage with me so that I am not carrying around this feeling that I've been abandoned for a year?


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
feelsobad
♂ Member
Member # 22260
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Threnody,

You did a very good job identifying the feeling of the slip of the slope before you found yourself falling into an on online EA.

Because of the feelings and concerns, I suggest that you get husband in a mutually safe place (where you both feel safe talking and where it is unlikely that the conversation will result in creating a trigger) right away and tell him that you are feeling insecure and need his help and understanding. You have found that you like online person more than you feel is "right" and that you want your husband to help you through these scary feelings and help you reinforce and extend the emotional barriers that keep the rest of the world outside of your relationship and marriage. I read somewhere that once the secret of the feelings are in the open, couples are able to face them and diminish their impact. This can be a wonderful opportunity for renewal reflection and rebuilding of the protective M that has sustained you. Through this process, you will need to share your hurts, pains, and concerns - including how the FIL situation made you feel and how you felt that you H was not understanding what it meant to you when the situation continued and began to change the dynamic of your relationships with your H (as I interpreted your post, your FIL's presence made you feel distant from your H, and the continued presence made you feel ignored or devalued.

I only wish I had recognized I was sliding the slope before I hit rock bottom. Well done.

best wishes to you and your family.


Me - feelssobad - recovering WH
BW - thisistough
D-Day - December 23, 2008
Married - 5 yrs
Together - 8 yrs
Filed for divorce right away; Final in about a month. BW has given up on us. She has asked me to move on. Move on to where?

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Wisconsin
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Akasha,
I have been around for 3 years, there is no current SI FWS members who actually left W for OW and actively post here, but there was one member I remember who's name "Knusto" used to post like 2 years ago left W for his OW for awhile and as far as I know he went back to his W, but it's been 1-2 years. He also submitted his answer at "From BS question for FWS" section FAQ#3. "how long does it take to snap out of fog" Please read there.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs2ws.asp#FAQ3


ltstartingover,

Did you or are you, still not telling the truth to your BS about the past because you don't want to "hurt" them even further? My WH will not fess up to things I know he did in the past. A few weeks ago we had a talk and he told me some things - then last night - we had another talk and he gives me different answers.
He's remorseful and all that - he just WON'T TELL ME THE TRUTH!

Not me (as my sitch was open to H), but I have seen that, you are right, many FWS did trickle truth, by omitting the truth, to minimize the BS's pain. Each FWS deals differently.... but.....

My first idea would be to discuss at MC or provide the safe environment.

During A, in order to maintain the double life, not only lying to BS and OP, but also lying to themselves as well.

Many FWSs are conflict avoider and afraid to see the pain/anger on the BSs' face, thus withholding/changing/minimizing, so every time, you ask it sounds like they change the answer. And because of that, they cannot even remember which is the truth anymore.... Sometimes, because they want to sound better than it was. It is rooting from keeping the good image of selves.
Also guilt and shame are sometimes in the way to tell whole truth.

My suggestion to you would be, have him write the timeline and then write down your question, too.

Have you let him read the joseph's letter in the healing library? http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

Also there are a post by FWS telling FWS to tell the truth. It is very powerful post. Please let him read it too.

by authenticnow (FWW) http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=270750

by MTFA (FWH)
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=184191&HL=8870

I hope this helps!!


Thren,

I am going to copy and paste my answer again.
(((Thren)))
Give yourself credit for recognizing that now and that you are taking an action proactively to prevent going any further.

Yes, please tell Mr.Threnody your truth and that you are afraid. Truth will set you free and everything will fall into places.

I know you can do this.

I am sending you encouragement. Hugs.

[This message edited by beach at 9:04 AM, February 6th (Friday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Threnody)))

I know the twisty gut feeling you get from your geek friend isn't what you want, but that feeling of insecurity and of being off balance can really accentuate our particular weaknesses. You are an extremely intelligent, articulate and funny person. You appreciate those qualities in others. (Of course you do... you like me! )

While you've been dealing with the FIL issue, I'm sure it's made you feel like your feelings don't matter much at all. MrT has his own issues to face with his dad, and he's now made them your issues. So... since he needed to ask FIL into your lives, he will have to hear how that's negatively impacted you. MrT did what he did out of a need to help dad, but now he needs to do what is necessary to help you feel appreciated for all you've endured WRT your father in law over the past year.

Your husband is a good man who loves you very much, and I'm sure he, like my husband, probably is relying on the love you have for each other to get you through this tough time. But that love has to be nurtured, even in tough times. Ask for what you need... and not in vague terms either. Ask for it point blank, and tell him why you need it. I really do wish you all the best.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, we talked last night.

Yesterday I sent him a silly little Facebook message (it's easier for him to read FB on his phone than email ) saying something like "We need a vacation, just you and me." He sent back "I've almost forgotten what 'just you and me' is like."

That prompted my writing him the following:


:(

I know.

I had thought 2009 would be different. But it's feeling like a repeat. I don't want this. I want to reconnect with you but it seems like we're always tired, distracted, interrupted or ill/physically unavailable. Maybe I'm flailing, but I keep thinking if we can just get away from things for 2 nights, spend a weekend away, we could refill our love tanks.

It's not about sex, it's about... shit, everything. I don't know. I feel like we're thousands of miles apart. It's starting to hurt. I'm partially to blame, I know, because when it hurts I close off and allow myself to get distracted by online things or work or a game. It's easier than sitting down and staring the hurt right in the face. It's easier than trying to find the words to say to you to convey what I'm feeling. It's easier than being seen as stupid or vulnerable or weak or needy.

I felt so alone last year, as you know. I'm starting to feel that way again. It's frightening me.

And using Facebook to say all this is about the stupidest thing I've ever done. Seriously.

It was the closest tool at hand, and I needed to talk. I'm sorry :(

After that, I went on a hike. I wrote a blog post about the hike and he read it, and he commented on the opening few sentences where I'd said something about "being in an emotional knot". Last night we were supposed to get caught up on our "Ugly Betty" episodes (our only true date night) but he asked if there was "something you'd like to tell me."

My stomach dropped straight to my feet. I wasn't ready to talk, I was still working it all out in my head, and I was deathly afraid of presenting this badly and making him thinking I was already in an EA instead of on the slope above one. I spoke very slowly, very carefully, and I think that alone made an impression on him. In conversation, I'm usually flitting around like a hummingbird on crack, so the fact I was being deliberate seemed to reassure him *and* get his entire attention.

I told him that through a series of bad coping mechanisms and decisions on my part, I was feeling distant from him. That I didn't like the distance, and that I was disappointed in myself. I told him I'm still thinking of solutions, and so while I wasn't ready to talk I *was* ready to let him know I'm thinking. I don't have a plan, but I know I need one.

I then, without mentioning names because late yesterday I recognized this was a pattern with a few people as well as Techie, told him that I found myself valuing the opinions of others and getting my validation from others when I should be turning to HIM. I told him that I see this as a very serious signal that something is wrong with my coping mechanism, and that he himself has nothing to do with this. I repeated back to him supportive phrases he's used recently, repeated back the encouraging remarks, then said "Now why on earth would I be ignoring that? Why can't I accept it from you, but can accept it from others?" And then talked about how when I made noises before I felt disregarded and it hurt so badly that I got in the habit of talking about stress elsewhere. The end result was that I was communicating more with others than with him, and getting an ego boost from others INSTEAD of him was the result. I explained that after a year of feeling marginalized in my own home, my own marriage, it felt damned good to have others tell me positives. I asked him to understand that I don't want my marriage to be like this, I don't want to handle stress like this, and that I wanted a return to the marriage we had before his father arrived -- a marriage where Mr. T's opinion was my sun and moon. He was going to have to help me do that by not marginalizing me again, because I'm already finding myself turning to others.

At the end of the conversation I got a little miffed. I couldn't help it. After I had laid all that out there, telling him how I felt like my voice, my experiences and my feelings weren't being heard, he launched into a 3 or 4 minute monologue about something at work. I just looked at him. He caught himself and brought the conversation back around again, but it kind of underscored my point. I shrugged and said "And this is why I feel like an idiot telling you about my work, because yours is so stressful and you don't need my shit piled on top."

I think that gave him something to think about. It made him realize that certain things he is doing are having an impact on how I cope. While the ultimate decision in how to handle a problem rests with me -- believe me, I know this -- failing to validate what I say or failing to really hear me makes it just a little easier for me to justify coping badly instead of makes me want to do my best for the marriage.

That's about where we left it. We talked a little about how, since I'm working from home and much of it is social-networking, it's hard for me to turn off. I don't have office hours. In fact, as we were talking (this was about 10:45 PM) I got a call from a gal who needed me to walk her through something.

So we came up with a plan (well, I did, but he'll support me) where I more or less unplug at about 6 every night. I go entirely offline in SocMed places but can continue to work on articles or whatnot if I have a deadline. I just have to use 6 or so as the cutoff point as far as online presence. Closing down Twitter, not using Facebook to conduct business, not using gTalk or IRC or the thousands of other tools I use to talk with techies.

It's actually going to be kind of hard. I love what I do. I love throwing myself into it. But so many other lines re blurring that it's time fo rme to take charge of the ones I *can*. Then things will calm down enough that I can concentrate on some of the other blurred lines.

Thank you all so absolutely very much for your support, encouragement and hugs. I sat here yesterday writing and reading with tears rolling down my face. I gave up after a while and didn't even bother wiping them away. Your words meant so much.

Warm hugs to you all.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, February 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Thren))) I really admire you for having the courage to lay it all out there. It's so scary to do, but it seems to have been exactly what you both needed to get things back on track. Hugs to you both.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
vale
♀ Member
Member # 16607
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, February 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could someone help me?

Do WS miss or think about their X spouses?

I was married almost 30 years and I miss my XH daily.

Couls someone PM me, I get lsot in this long thread.

Thank you


Ya no te quiero, es cierto, pero cuanto te quise...
Pablo Neruda

Posts: 817 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Mexico City
UK42
♀ Member
Member # 21568
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, February 8th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS's, can any of you shed some light on the current "mind set" of my WS. He has gone from saying he will pay all bills & mortgage on our property in Oct as none of this was my fault, to not paying the bills Jan, to now saying not paying the mortgage. He knows I still havent found a job yet, but has completely cut me off financially. Any ideas why the original "remorse" has turned to a "sod you" attitude.
(We have no children, I asked him to leave in Dec due to his abusive behaviour especially since DDay and the plan was I would pay the house bills & half the mortgage when I got a job & then review the housing market in 6mnths time )
Thank you.


Alone but not scared any more!

Posts: 130 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: In Limbo Land hoping to move soon
pmlsea
♀ Member
Member # 17099
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, February 8th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many times my FWH has asked me to tell him how I feel, to let it all out, to release my anger. I did last night, and now he is just keeping to himself..or staying out of trouble as he would say.

I almost feel like I'm being punished for saying how I really feel. Why ask me to let it out, if you're not prepared for the answers?

Admittedly, I am still angry and hurt and I don't have very much sympathy for him right now.

just looking for some insight.

thanks


BS-me 35
WS-him 38-Sorrowfulfriend
M 12/29/94
3 kids (15,10,9)
A 2002
D-day 11/18/07
in limbo

~People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.~


Posts: 2179 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Central Florida
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, February 8th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Vale
I haven't been through this personally, and I think there are only a few WSes here who have. Judging from what they've posted here, they do miss their ex spouse. I don't think your ex doesn't miss you, but he's selfish enough to have cared more about his own feelings than the marriage. That's not your fault. Unremorseful WSes also tend to rewrite the marital history, so you have to look at most of what he says as a lie- something he does to make himself feel better.


UK42
since you are divorcing, your WH is faced with reality now. He can no longer eat cake in Fantasyland and he's in self protection mode. Anything he can do to make himself feel justified, he's going to do. If he was abusive before, divorce and the settlement will only exacerbate that, IMO.

pmlsea,
Your H needs to hear your anger, so it's a good thing that he asked, but he also needs time to process it. Not to be flip, but what would your response be to a very angry conversation? Doesn't it make you withdraw a bit? Do you not also think about the conversation and evaluate what was said? Do you do those things as punishment? I don't think you do...

He asked for how you felt- you shared that with him. Please give him some space to process it. You can't force someone to feel loving after hearing unpleasant things, even if those things are true.

It's the same for BSes and WSes- don't ask the question if you're not prepared for the answer... but on the other side of that statement is this: give the answer, but be prepared for the reaction to it. When he answered your questions about the A, you reacted. When you tell him how hurt and angry you are, he reacts. It goes both ways in R. Reconciliation cannot take place without some empathy for each other.

[This message edited by Fallen at 2:50 PM, February 8th (Sunday)]


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


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