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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's II
Elle_47
♀ Member
Member # 10455
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, December 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why can WW be so free with OM sexually and not H?

In my case, I wasn't. I had the same hangups I always did.

Was your A about attention or sex?

Attention.

For those of you that were caught before you ended the A did you wish you had ended it yourself and not becuase your BS caught you? Did you try to end it?

Mine was done before I was caught.

How difficult is it letting go of OM?

It was incredibly hard for about 3 months. Another 6 months after that was less hard but still unpleasant. After a year I couldn't have cared less if he dropped off the face of the earth.

[This message edited by Elle_47 at 5:22 PM, December 30th (Tuesday)]


Turns out sometimes you have to do the wrong thing. Sometimes you have to make a big mistake to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful, but they're the only way to find out who you really are.

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Canada
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, December 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why can WW be so free with OM sexually and not H?

That wasn't the case in my A, although OM was better in bed than H. I was the one who held back sexually.

Was your A about attention or sex?

Attention. But later it was about the sex as well.


For those of you that were caught before you ended the A did you wish you had ended it yourself and not becuase your BS caught you? Did you try to end it?

I ended it myself 6 mos prior to being discovered.

How difficult is it letting go of OM?

Not very difficult given that I had left him 6 mos. prior. Seeing my H's pain was 1,000 times more difficult than any withdrawal I felt.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, December 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is for you, Badly.

How can you state that you love your children when you put the family at risk? You are not just hurting your spouse, but threatening the children's secure home, family, and livelihood.

While I completely agree with that statement, I did and do, in fact, love my children very much. I even loved my BH during my A. I would encourage you to read up on compartmentalization. It enables a WS to put their A in a box and not think about it relative to the rest of their lives. It's a coping mechanism.

If there are any WSs here that are D because you left the BS:
Did you actually leave the BS and not the kids? How do you separate the two, since your adultery obviously was the "straw that broke the camel's back" in your marriage?

I didn't leave my M as the WS, I left as the BS. As I posted on another thread recently, his adultery was the key to my jail cell in many ways. It gave me permission to leave a relationship in which I was already miserable, yet too afraid and guilty to leave.


I wish you peace and healing.

(((Badly)))


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, December 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why can WW be so free with OM sexually and not H?

I thought H would be turned off by what I wanted. Now that I am talking to him more, he and I have both learned that he is not. But before I knew this, xOM was very open to anything I wanted. (Background: it was an EA headed toward PA)

Was your A about attention or sex?

Both.

For those of you that were caught before you ended the A did you wish you had ended it yourself and not becuase your BS caught you? Did you try to end it?

I tried to end it after every phone call, every texting session, every email. I'm sure it got old with xOM - the constant pushing and pulling.

How difficult is it letting go of OM?

It is difficult in a strange way. It is letting go of the idea of the excitement that is difficult. Now, when I think of xOM, it's not even really him that I'm thinking about, but the idea of him.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, December 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can you state that you love your children when you put the family at risk?

I have never wavered in my love and dedication to my children. I considered the ramifications as best I could - that I would move out (if H kicked me out), but I would still prepare the kids' lunches, do everything that I currently do, drive them to school, pick them up, everything. The A had nothing to do with them.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, December 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UnexpectedSong

When you have an Affair, you cheat and betray your family. You lied to your children just as much or even more than you did to your BS. Packing lunches and carpooling is what a maid or nanny does, a mother teaches morals, respect, charactor, and love. You can not be a mother to your children and be in an Affair. It is emotionally impossible. I am not trying to be mean or inconsiderate to you. I hope this is something you realize that happened because of the A and ask them for forgivness as you ask your BS.


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
h3chos3m3
♀ Member
Member # 20383
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, December 31st (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by h3chos3m3 at 11:53 AM, December 31st (Wednesday)]


This time baby, I'll be bulletproof ;)
4 furrybabies and counting

Posts: 1547 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Norfolk, VA
acreswild
♂ Member
Member # 19371
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, December 31st (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unexpected song wrote
It is letting go of the idea of the excitement that is difficult.

that prompts this question for WS or BS for that matter( see profile for sordid details)...

altho FWW stopped the physical aspects of her LTA, she maintained communnication with OM, mostly email, many lewd and suggestive, full of good memories.. no remorse, no sadness about what she had done...

this was going on up til 10 months ago (d-day).. 15 years after their last physical event.. I assert that this would still be going on today if I had not stumbled on those emails..

I contend that this is just a long protracted affair, she claims that she put him "back in the friend category"...

this is a major problem for me... any thoughts???

many thanks for your collective wisdom..



BS-Me-59
WW- Her-59
Married 36 years
PA/EA/?A...depends on definition....
She finally admitted an old 3-4 year affair ( over 25 years ago) followed by a very sporadic on-again off-again 8 year PA followed by lengthy EA that would likely still be

Posts: 409 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Chicago
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, December 31st (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

acreswild, I agree with you that this is a long protracted affair. She may have ended the PA part of it, but she's romanticizing and fantasizing and keeping the A alive in that way. I'm sorry to say it, but you can't trust her at all- I suspect she's just waiting to go back to PA whenever she can since she's been keeping the memories fresh since the PA ended.

She may be doing this as a means of escape and "insurance" in case things don't work out with you. I kept talking to the OP after dday because I was afraid of ending up alone. The thing I didn't understand then was that we couldn't R if I was still in contact. It was only after my husband made it clear that he wouldn't wait forever that I sent the NC letter.

What are you going to do?



You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
NewAttitude
Member
Member # 1030
Red  Posted: 6:54 PM, December 31st (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread exists for BS to work in tandem with WS and get questions answered.
If I were some of you I would be a wee bit more careful about the tone of some of the posts in here.

It is bordering on rudeness and bludgeoning.

You are lucky that the WS are agreeing to be in here providing the answers you are seeking.
Keep it up and there won't be any who venture in here.


Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
badlyhurting
♀ Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, January 1st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it was my post that was found rude...I'm very sorry.

I won't deny I'm angry...and that probably came through in my last question.

Thank you to all the WSs who are willing to answer questions here for all the BSs.

Due to my state of mind, I will refrain from asking anymore questions right now...and hope you will accept my apologies.

Have a good new year WSs here at SI.


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
really?
♀ Member
Member # 21943
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, January 1st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do I just jump in with my question? Not sure how this forum works but here it is:

My WH has been NC for almost 3weeks. During this time the fog has lifted quite a bit and today, the day we vow to start a great new year, he is cranky and irritable. He says he is thinking of OW today and wonders what she did to ring in the new year last night. He is also feeling lots of anger toward her today. Says he sees how dishonest she was with him and can finally see things that so many of us saw/see about her horrible ways.
Did you feel angry towards your OW at times?

I struggle with being happy that he is mad at her and being upset that she is still in his thoughts...can you please help me understand something here?


Doesn't matter anymore. I'm broken.

Hey LNS, a fellow SI'er said it best: If it fucks like a whore and lies like a whore, it's probably a whore. Thanks for being such a great friend!


Posts: 333 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: somewhere in my brokenheart
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, January 1st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really?,

It's normal for a WS to go through an anger stage toward the OP. Your WH will likely ping-pong among all the stages before he arrives at "indifference". You're right though, that is the ultimate goal.

Good luck.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
findingcomfort
♀ New Member
Member # 21364
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, January 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Really?,

It is normal for him to go through different stages. And this will probably be hard for you to hear, but she will be in his thoughts for awhile. It doesn't sound right, but he is mourning the loss of a relationship. And at the same time, he is probably angry that he let himself get into the situation at all, so he directs some of his anger at her. These are all part of the stages of affair withdrawal.

The good thing here is that he is being honest with you about what he is thinking/feeling. Take comfort in that. It is a sign that he is truly making an effort to end it. Give it time, he will stop thinking about her and his emotions with start to calm down with time. Three weeks isn't very long, at all.

Take care.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Oct 2008
Elle_47
♀ Member
Member # 10455
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, January 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Acreswild - yes, she continued the A while those emails were going on. She changed the parameters, but it was still an A. She has massive boundary issues if she thinks there was nothing wrong with suggestive emails.

Really - it takes a while to burn off, unfortunately. A WS truly committed to R soon really won't *want* to have any thoughts about the OP, good, bad or otherwise, but we can't help it. It just needs to burn off. And it will. NC is vital. It's been pretty recent in your WH's case, so give it more time. And the honesty that he's telling you what's on his mind is a super big step. Hang in there.


Turns out sometimes you have to do the wrong thing. Sometimes you have to make a big mistake to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful, but they're the only way to find out who you really are.

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Canada
acreswild
♂ Member
Member # 19371
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, January 3rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fallen and Elle...
thanks for your responses..

from your perspectives, what do I do now that I know that she carried on a 28 year affair during a 34 year marriage... and it would still be going on.. what was going on in her head?? I guess she becomes a poster child for cake-eaters ...

and yes, she had gone NC with OM at my immediate insistence when I found the emails.. and she now says that it was so very easy to do she is so very sad that she didnt do it much sooner herself.. but that would have ended the buzz, wouldnt it??


BS-Me-59
WW- Her-59
Married 36 years
PA/EA/?A...depends on definition....
She finally admitted an old 3-4 year affair ( over 25 years ago) followed by a very sporadic on-again off-again 8 year PA followed by lengthy EA that would likely still be

Posts: 409 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Chicago
Elle_47
♀ Member
Member # 10455
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, January 3rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A lot of things were going on in her head. One of the last things was "wow, I'm getting away with this, no need to stop!" and that's probably what has been there for many, many years.


Turns out sometimes you have to do the wrong thing. Sometimes you have to make a big mistake to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful, but they're the only way to find out who you really are.

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Canada
WantingtheTruth
♀ Member
Member # 20889
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, January 4th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am hesitant with my question for the WS's but here goes. My husband left me unexpected 7 months ago. His words to me were cruel-among many reasons he gave me for leaving, he said he had done everything right in our marriage.

His words and actions were so bizarre; I convinced myself he was depressed. After several months of trying to talk with him, he kept saying I was the one with all the problems. Something just did not feel right and his description of our marriage was completely rewritten. He even started telling friends and family that I was verbally abusive and he felt physically threatened...you do not know me but this is completely unfounded.

Fast forward: I have found evidence of at least 3 other relationships he has had since last January based on phone records and charge cards, calls to escorts, charges for porn site chats, etc. I only confronted him after finding trips and gifts to one woman and he of course claimed they were just friends.

Anyone among the WS's that had all of this going on and that can help me understand what I am dealing with? This is not like an affair or even serial affairs. How can someone I have been with for 20 years become someone so cruel and emotionless that I do not recognize him? Can I ever expect that he will face any truths or ever feel any remorse for the pain and destruction of our family?


The truth is easy to remember.
BW, 53, Divorcing WH
WH, 49, No truths, in denial
Married 14 years, together 20 years. Who is this man?

Posts: 91 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Georgia
roccodom
♀ Member
Member # 19714
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, January 5th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why would a person - after admitting to an affair - decide to go to IC & MC and continue to lie? Why? What is the point?

How can they sit there and tell the BS that they are working hard while continueing to be in contact with the OW?

My WH tells me he WAS working on R, but he just was trying to have her go away nicely (right). He was concerned for her (right).

And how NOW can I believe he is telling the truth.


BS - me (45) WS - him (45)
married 16 yrs (DS 11yrs, DD 9yrs)
#1 PA - DDay 12/97
#2 PA DDay 5/08
#3 PA DDay 2/12
Trying R
Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security.


Posts: 789 | Registered: May 2008 | From: MO
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, January 5th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wantingthetruth -

Anyone among the WS's that had all of this going on and that can help me understand what I am dealing with? This is not like an affair or even serial affairs. How can someone I have been with for 20 years become someone so cruel and emotionless that I do not recognize him? Can I ever expect that he will face any truths or ever feel any remorse for the pain and destruction of our family?

No need to be hesitant. During my A, I developed a distorted view of my M. Every flaw was magnified 1000 times, while every positive was reduced to a fraction of it's true worth.

It started when xMOW questioned the bad things - "why doesn't your BW see how great you are? why doesn't she appreciate you the way I do?". Then, because keeping that negativity within me continued to gain me the attention I was getting from xMOW, I built upon it. I doubt a word I said about my M was really true, and most of it by the end of the A was total bull.

The only thing that gives a chance for a WS to see the pain they create and possibly see reality is being confronted with the consequences for their actions. Once I saw what I was losing, I began the process of seeing more clearly. Even then, it took me five months before I fully had my head out of my butt. But without being forced to deal with consequences (180, for example), there's little chance change will happen.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

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