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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's II
resilientspouse
♀ Member
Member # 18184
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, December 18th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH sex drive has really diminished. Before and during the A we were 3-4 times a week. Then we did the whole HB thing for about two months. We are a year out from D-Day and for the last six months my WH doesn't want sex. We are at once a week. I have stopped initiating sex because I always got turned down. (I have a healthy sex drive) So here's my question. How do I help him get his sex drive back. It's hard for him to talk about this. It there anything I can do or say that might help?


Me ~BS 30 years old
Him ~WS 31 years old
3 Kids ~ 11,8, and 1
Married 9 years
D-day 11-27-07
R ~ 12-20-07 - and continuing



Posts: 52 | Registered: Feb 2008
rosieposy
♀ New Member
Member # 21977
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, December 18th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1DLW and Beach,
Thank you for your responses, FWS does say that he doesn't want to remember anything that happened during that time because it was "the worst time of his life". one of my demands before we could work on R is that he does get IM and he is He also wants to get MC (which is something he never beleived in before)to work on our intimate relationship.
Once again thanks for your input and stay strong!


BS (me)32 WS (him)35
OW 24
Married 14 yrs together 16 yrs
Divorced since 1-1-09
DDay 5-7-08, Lifes not so Rosy anymore

Posts: 17 | Registered: Dec 2008
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, December 18th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi resilientspouse,

I am 2 years out FWW.

You two are still young and that before and during A you had 3-4 times a week, and after 1 year from d-day.

How have your R progress(outside of bed)? Do you spend time together, or date night?
Everything ok?

NC with xOW?

How do I help him get his sex drive back. It's hard for him to talk about this. It there anything I can do or say that might help?

Is he on medication, AD that might have side effect on the sexual drive? Is he depressed?

My first recommendation would be stop pressuring him. Have you consider stop having sex for 30 days?

Pre and during A, we had same # of frequency, but after A was ended, for 1.5 year, I became asexual. I now have a low libido and H has high sex drive, I tried to suggested to stop having a sex for a month, so that by the end of 30 days, I feel like I want to have sex. It is different when I decided to stop doing rather than someone telling me to do so. I also read "sex starved marriege" and "Sex detox", too.

I told H, I didn't want to feel being pressured and H stopped asking, it has been better. Emotional connection has helped me.

Hope this helps. Good luck.


rosieposy , glad it helped. Good luck in your R journey!!

[This message edited by beach at 8:10 PM, December 18th (Thursday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
truetrainwreck
Member
Member # 21520
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, December 19th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so confused about my H A. He said he never lost interest or fell out of love with me. We did have SX more frequently but it was quiet different. I could feel that it was not him touching me. But that's beside the point. How is so traumatic for the WS to be seperated from the OP and did not feel the loss with BS during A. Second, why was it so easy to lie and manipulative? Knowing they could loose everything and was destroying their BS?

Posts: 97 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Kentucky
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, December 19th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

truetrainwreck -

How is so traumatic for the WS to be seperated from the OP and did not feel the loss with BS during A.

Because what we go through as a WS with OP is an addiction, not affection. Whatever it is that is messed up inside our heads drives us to need something (in my case, external validation) at the expense of all logical thinking. It's the same as someone who takes drugs, and hours later knows it's damaging themselves, their relationships, their careers. Yet the allure of the drug is so strong when they go through withdrawal that they need to go back and get more.

The reality is that my BW could never have fed my addiction, because she could never stroke my ego with every interaction. Reality gets in the way - kids, finances, family. So my ties to her were not based on addiction, but the love and affection I have for her.

Second, why was it so easy to lie and manipulative? Knowing they could loose everything and was destroying their BS?

It's not easy to lie, it's a necessity to allow the addiction to continue to be fed. It's very rare that a WS is thinking about the potential of losing everything, because at that moment in time they are obsessed with getting their fix. They block out all other thoughts at that time. It hits after the interaction with OP is over - and the weight of all the damage a WS has inflicted comes crashing down.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Frogger
♀ Member
Member # 15442
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, December 19th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beach,

I just wrote a long rambling post in answer to your questions. LOL I realized you gave me a lot to think about and I think I better think on it before I post more.

In summary:
1)FWH was not buddies with OW's BH. They have a hobby in common though and in retrospect it is weird they did not become friends. I think her BH might have thought they were friends. I do think my FWH initially thought all of us would be friends--not in fog A mode but when the friendship with OW started.

2)I am wondering if my FWH blames her BH for sticking his head in the sand. The BH saw the two of them together, I called him to tell him about the A and he ignored me and told people I was crazy. When FWH apologized to her BH there was almost no reaction. Maybe my FWH thinks if her BH had paid attention it wouldn't have happened or it would have ended sooner? I still don't know why my FWH likes to "better" him though.

Okay I gotta go think!


Love isn't enough, you need respect and trust. -Jimi40

Posts: 2296 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, December 19th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok Frogger,

So it doesn't sound like he needs grieving of friendship, and when read your summary (2),

When FWH apologized to her BH there was almost no reaction. Maybe my FWH thinks if her BH had paid attention it wouldn't have happened or it would have ended sooner?
That maybe it! It almost sounds like OW's BH is in denial, he wasn't mad at your FWH and that he thought you were crazy... and your FWH is looking down on her BH like how dumb him is.. thus gave your H a satisfaction? Maybe it is his twisted thinking?

[This message edited by beach at 10:54 PM, December 19th (Friday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Frogger
♀ Member
Member # 15442
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, December 21st (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beach,

Thanks. I can't seem to word a post to express my thoughts.

I think in some way he sees her BH's lack of jealousy as something that caused OW to want an A. I think he also thinks if her BH had been more alert the A either wouldn't have happened because they would have been worried about getting caught OR it would have ended sooner because he would be policing them at work while I policed FWH at home.

I do see posts from other FWS that seem to have the same issue. Intellectually they "get it" but emotionally little digs at the BS come out in their posts. Or they still seem to feel competitive with the BS.

I just wonder where that comes from AFTER the fog has lifted.


Love isn't enough, you need respect and trust. -Jimi40

Posts: 2296 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, December 22nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frogger,
I do understand what you are getting at. I understand your guessing that your H wished that BH was more alert, and would have caught their A sooner and it would end sooner before your FWH got hurt (almost D), but in the end, the fact he had A wouldn't change.

Did xOW, her BH, and your FWH worked at the same place? Do xOW and her BH still work there?
Did your FWH have to get the different job due to A? If so, your FWH thought they didn't lose anything and he is somehow still wanting to see them hurt in any forms?

I just wonder where that comes from AFTER the fog has lifted.
Is your H in IC?

[This message edited by beach at 9:13 AM, December 22nd (Monday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, December 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Early Merry Christmas to you all hurting BSs!! (((hugs))) Hang in there.


Frogger and all, just so you know, I will be out of the country and I will not have access to internet for 2 weeks, so I will not be able to answer.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
roccodom
♀ Member
Member # 19714
Content  Posted: 11:12 PM, December 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To all of you who take the time to answer our questions - Beach, Copeland, ListeningClosely - especially - THANK YOU!!!!!! And Happy holidays to all of you. You have reached out and truly made a difference in me and I know many, many others.


BS - me (45) WS - him (45)
married 16 yrs (DS 11yrs, DD 9yrs)
#1 PA - DDay 12/97
#2 PA DDay 5/08
#3 PA DDay 2/12
Trying R
Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security.


Posts: 789 | Registered: May 2008 | From: MO
Godsson
♂ Member
Member # 20403
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, December 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH here,

Especially interested in hearing from WW.

Why can WW be so free with OM sexually and not H?

Was your A about attention or sex?

For those of you that were caught before you ended the A did you wish you had ended it yourself and not becuase your BS caught you? Did you try to end it?

How difficult is it letting go of OM?

[This message edited by Godsson at 6:02 AM, December 24th (Wednesday)]


BS - Me 31
WS - Her 31
Kids - 3 (5,6,10)
M - 10 years

If you beleive in the power of God, pray and do it often.

Phl 3:13 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but [this] one thing [I do], forgetting those things which are behind,


Posts: 56 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: LA
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, December 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

-Why can WW be so free with OM sexually and not H?

I was never as free with OP as I am with my H. It wasn't that the A acts were more freaky, but that I thought I was more free. I'm actually glad that I didn't do certain things with the OP. In some twisted way, I thought I was "saving" something for my marriage. Sigh. How messed up that was.

Perhaps if the A had lasted longer than it did it might have been different. It also had to do with the high I felt- you pursue a higher high to numb yourself,

-Was your A about attention or sex?

Attention. All about attention. OP wasn't half the man my husband is, but he told me everything I wanted to hear.

-For those of you that were caught before you ended the A did you wish you had ended it yourself and not becuase your BS caught you? Did you try to end it?

I was caught and confronted, and yes I wish I'd had the courage to end it and confess. No, I didn't try to end it although it almost certainly would have ended on its own- OP was such a loser: an unemployed alcoholic who lived with is parents.

-How difficult is it letting go of OM?

At first it was difficult because I was afraid of being alone. It was like talking to OP was insurance... so I didn't go NC for about 6 weeks after dday. It was only when my husband started to let me know that he was thinking of moving on that I sent the NC letter. OP had been the person I confided in for almost a year, and that was the hard habit to break, not losing the sex.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, December 26th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

Just wondering - what do the holidays mean to the WS in relationship to their AP? Last year on Christmas - WH was actively involved with AP - DDAY was 12/26/07 Fast forward to today - WH - claims affair is over - however I question would a FWH be thinking about AP on the holidays? Could this trigger a phone call/email to AP? How did you handle this?? Did you talk to your BS? What can a BS do to help alleviate some of the stress? Thank you

[This message edited by brokendreamz at 11:30 PM, December 29th (Monday)]


Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, December 26th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry - I just thought of another question. Are there any WS who are now facing financial difficulties (economy related/job loss/ etc) And how did that impact your ability to R? How does that complicate R (other than the obvious) Thank you!!

Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
Godsson
♂ Member
Member # 20403
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, December 26th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Adding to Brokendremz question about financial difficulties, I'm curious to know what your A's cost you. What did you lose? Fianances, employement, etc?

Also, please answer my previous question if you already haven't. The one response was interestig and helpful but I want to see other opinions or perspectives aswell. Thanks!


BS - Me 31
WS - Her 31
Kids - 3 (5,6,10)
M - 10 years

If you beleive in the power of God, pray and do it often.

Phl 3:13 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but [this] one thing [I do], forgetting those things which are behind,


Posts: 56 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: LA
roccodom
♀ Member
Member # 19714
Question  Posted: 10:11 AM, December 26th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

o - obviously Christmas yesterday.

When I found out the second broken NC - I took off my rings and told him I was never going to wear them again - too much sadness associated with thm.

I had been looking at rings online for fun. Ones that aren't what your suppose to have to an engagement ring but ones that are "ME". A ring that I like. I never wanted a diamond but he thought he would look cheap if he didn't get me one. I like what I like - if it's $50 so be it. If it's thousands - might take longer to save and get but - so be it.

I had asked my husband to marry me 13 years ago. This time - he needs to do the whole proposal - AND when we are at a place that it makes sense. I told him all this.

On Christmas - just 2 1/2 months after last contact, my kids grab the gift for me under the tree and I open it. It's a ring. I was surprised and said "It's beautiful - what is it for" FWH seems irritated. For the remainder of the morning, he is clearly angry and irritated. I ask him several times what is wrong. Nothing. I am disappointed with your reaction to the ring.

Finally, we are about to leave for his families and I am angry at his shitty treatment of me. He refused to talk - says he doesn't want to do this on Christmas. I say, "I would like to have a good time on Christmas so I would like to know why you are treating me so poorly becasue you are disappointed in my reaction to the ring.

I told you that I was looking for a proposal - blah blah blah. He pretends not to have known that. Then he prentends that he never knew I said I wasn't putting my other rings back on.

Finally after trying to focus on all the things I am doing wrong in the fight (telling him how he feels etc) I ask him if we can focus on the topic.

He finally says that he was upset that he had nothing to say to me when I asked what the ring was for. And that he did mean it to be an engagement ring, but had not planned anything other than me opening it.

Why lie that you didn't understand the signifigance of this ring. Why lie understanding I will not be wearing my other rings. He didn't misunderstand anything - but he lied that he did. He does this all the time.

A few months ago, he told me he was thinking about quitting IC. When I brought this up to him a couple days later - he swore that he never said he was going to quit. Well - I was tired of feeling crazy and stuck with his blowing up with me and wouldn't back down. He finally admitted he said it. Why try to make me seem like I am going crazy.

Help me out with this insane man.


BS - me (45) WS - him (45)
married 16 yrs (DS 11yrs, DD 9yrs)
#1 PA - DDay 12/97
#2 PA DDay 5/08
#3 PA DDay 2/12
Trying R
Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security.


Posts: 789 | Registered: May 2008 | From: MO
Leila
♀ Member
Member # 17481
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, December 27th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Godsson:

I could practically have written Fallen's answers, and I think they're pretty common for wayward women. here are mine:

Why can WW be so free with OM sexually and not H?

I wasn't really more free with xOM than BF. but I will say that I did not feel safe in my sex life with BF at the time, due to a lot of passive aggression in the bedroom on BF's part, and his tendency to use sex as a means for directing the relationship. not healthy. xOM was kind of an escape from that, but it really wasn't about sex.

Was your A about attention or sex?

attention. 100%. sex only entered the picture as a means for keeping xOM's attention.

For those of you that were caught before you ended the A did you wish you had ended it yourself and not becuase your BS caught you? Did you try to end it?

oh boy do I wish I ended it myself. I wish I had never done it. and that doesn't have much to do with being caught, other than R would be a lot easier if I had come clean. it has to do with having at least a shred more integrity than what very little I did on DDay. I did try to end it a couple times, but the xOM in my situation was the predatory, manipulative kind, and didn't make it easy -- I was very weak and needy, and I was a coward.

How difficult is it letting go of OM?

not very, for me. as alluded to above, he used me, so I had a lot of contempt. the hardest part initially was facing the hole in my self that I thought I was filling with xOM (and of course that was a complete lie to myself). I didn't want him back, but I did feel horribly alone, and I was very aware that that was my own doing. and that was very hard. at this point, I'm as indifferent as I feel I can be, although I will admit that when I read the police reports for my area each week, I am hoping somewhere inside that one of the people affected is him. sick, I know, but when I do have to think about him, I really hate that man.

I hope this helps.


Me: FWF, 26
Him: BF, 31 (helpmeiaminhell)
D-Day: 12/21/07
making wedding plans :)

remember what we've said, and done, and felt about each other...


Posts: 274 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: New England
Suitey
♀ Member
Member # 14846
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, December 28th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the WSs out there who had long term friendships with the OP...

My WH met a gal through work right before we got married. Never mentioned her at all. Several years into our marriage (like 6), it went PA - they both claim only once. He says reason was that he thought I was fooling around on him. Go figure! She leaves down. Gets married, gets divorced, comes back, calls him when she reads about his mother passing in 01. They get together one more time (they both say) and it is supposedly awkward as she has gained tons of weight. But they still talk. In 06, OW2 surfaces, but she is in love with another MM and while in bed w/my WH, after doing everything but intercourse, says it isn't right and they split up with him sleeping in her guest room (is that possible) but then afterwards, he starts frantically calling the OW1 again. She says he just called more but never said things about coming over. He said perhaps he was looking to get back with her (we were having issues then).

I think I am over oW2 for the most part, even the sexual aspect of OW1. But the friendship that lasted a total of like 14 years....over what was then a 20 year old marriage...that really kills me. We both are in public safety and seldom talk about work, yet she is too and they talked about it a lot. He confided in her about me, us. HE sought ADVISE from her and that angers me. He admits it was wrong, he acknowledges this is probably the biggest obstacle we face now. Is anyone out there guilty of this? And why did it happen? Why did you not confide and talk to your spouse? It makes me feel as though 1/2 of my marriage is a joke. All the things we talked about, the kids wehad, the dreams and plans we made....help me please try to deal with this? Thank you for taking the time, it means a lot.


Posts: 784 | Registered: Jun 2007
badlyhurting
♀ Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, December 28th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for WSs:

How can you state that you love your children when you put the family at risk? You are not just hurting your spouse, but threatening the children's secure home, family, and livelihood.

If there are any WSs here that are D because you left the BS:
Did you actually leave the BS and not the kids? How do you separate the two, since your adultery obviously was the "straw that broke the camel's back" in your marriage?


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
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