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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's II
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, November 15th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS's, please do not answer by proxy for your WS, stick to your situation

Also, please read in the Healing library, under the BS FAQ's, WS FAQ's and BS for WS FAQ's before posting your question.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 3:42 PM, November 23rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
rainbowskittles
♀ Member
Member # 21428
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, November 15th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS is just not interested in sex post A.

This is an obstacle I have been reading from the R forum for a while and I had been so thankful that had NEVER been an issue for me until the last couple of weeks. Thats the last thing a BS needs is to feel any less undesireable than we already feel.

I am just having troubles understanding and am hoping some of you, if it has been an issue can give me any insight, because honestly at this point in time, is all we really had going for us. (I shouldn't say only, I do love him and I believe he loves me and is honest about R. But it sure has helped.)

WH's sex drive and desire didn't even diminish during A, which is one thing that blew my mind.


I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me....Even this....But its hard
___________________
M:2.5
Children: 18, 13---Hansome boys. Both Mine. He can't have any.
DD: June 23
Trying to R

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Oklahoma
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, November 15th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a lot of times the guilt and feelings of worthlessness can overwhelm a WS. "my BS wants to be with me? Like THAT? After what I did? I'm so undeserving, why would he/she want to, I hate myself, I feel used and dirty and not good enough." That kind of negative self talk can be enough to just shut down the intimacy.

My H and I had the hysterical bonding phase. Mostly I loved it, but the ashamed part of me felt unclean and unworthy of him. I had to shut up THAT voice so that we could have the HB time together. It was mind over matter... using the ability to compartmentalize for the good of our marriage instead of using it to escape and destroy.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
findingcomfort
♀ New Member
Member # 21364
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, November 15th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi RS,

I have completely lost interest but it is not because I find BH undesirable at all. It is because I feel like I don't deserve to feel good with him. Maybe it is hard to explain. But it makes me feel guilty and I cry afterward. He doesn't even know about the A but it is so hard for me to feel like I even deserve affection from him.

Also, during the A I had a huge sex drive with BH. I think I was able to comparmentalize during the A. All of the guilt came after it was over and I started to withdraw.

Please don't think it has anything to do with WS's image of you or that you are undesirable to him. It is probably the guilt and the fact that he knows how badly he hurt you.

Good luck,

Finding comfort


Posts: 27 | Registered: Oct 2008
Kwills
♀ Member
Member # 13172
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, November 15th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it seems to be guilt and triggers. I seem to feel safer at an emotional distance from FBH, being too close after the A just freaks me out. I feel horrible about myself and I realize that I do have a lot of sexual shame. It has been nearly 3 years and this is still an issue for me. Everything else seems to be back in order except this part of our marrige. It has nothing to do with my husband and everything to do with me.

We're trying to work through it.

Kwills


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Jan 2007
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, November 15th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for me, I am 2 year out. We never had HB either. I became asexual. I had zero sexual desire..... During A, we had more sex.

After A ended, H wanted to have wild sex like I did with xOM, since he has seen how wild I was. However, I became asexual for 1 year. During a 3 month of withdrawal period, those wild sexual performance triggered me and gave me the flash backs and made me miss xOM.


At 6 month mark, I felt indifferent about xOM and at the 1 year mark, I can consider as if he is being dead. I needed celibacy from xOM. (He-tox = De-tox) from my system. Like I was preparing to be virgin again for H, so now I feel like I am loving H as a new man. I am going through perimenopause and it is something to do with it.

Maybe male FWS is different. Also I heard that, if someone is on AD, it also affects sexual desire or ED issue.

[This message edited by beach at 6:30 PM, November 15th (Saturday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
woundedspouse
♀ Member
Member # 16657
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, November 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will thank you in advance for your answers, as well as for the time and energy you put into this forum, helping the BSs here. It takes courage and dedication...so THANK YOU!!

I am wondering, for those of you that had PA's, even if just a kiss or hand holding, etc..., but especially "sex" (oral, or otherwise), do you remember that first time you crossed the physical boundary?

Do you remember the date? The time of the year, etc...? Besides the physical act, do you remember the guilt or the feelings associated? How about the details of the act?


If you do not remember the specifics, why do you think that is?

Thank you for your input.

Wounded


Wounded Spouse
ME - 41 BS
HIM 51 WS
Married 2/93 3 beautiful children
DDay #1 8-26-07 DDay #2 11-8-07 DDAy #3 12-23-07 DDay #?! 7-2-07
"If you ask me what I came into this world to do, I will tell you: "I came to live out loud."

Posts: 1381 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: midwest,
caliconfused565
♀ Member
Member # 20370
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, November 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know where to begin. WH told me today that we should end it because his heart wasn't in it, he wasn't in love with me, didn't have intense feelings for me, and didn't think that I could make him happy. I guess he saw OW and she said negative things to him and said that she had moved on and was happy and he said that this bothered him and made him sad. WTF?. We have been in no kind of R since dday 5 months ago. About 4 weeks ago I told him that I didn't think that I could do it and we stopped talking for a couple weeks Previous to that he was sure he was in love with me and I could make him happy. He was doing everything that I asked him and all the things that they say that a couple needs from a WH to be successful. Now that has all changed.
I recently read some books about R and they said to make a deliberat decision about staying together and trying to R and not to base your decision on your emotions at this point because they can betray you. Well then I decided I wanted to try to work things out and now he doesn't want to. He says he is just trying to be honest and wanted me to know where he is coming from. Ican respect that I guess. My birthday is in a week and with the holidays coming up I can't bear to think of spending them without him. I can't stop crying and I am at the lowest point I have been at since this all started and I just don't think I can take it much longer. I recently got to a point that I feel like I can try to work it out and I love him so much. Can his feelings for me change back to wanting me and we try to work it out eventhough he still has feelings for the OW. He says that we don'thave to decide anything right now, but hasen't he already made up his mind? He isn't wishy washy like me. He usually makes a decision and goes with it. Could our seperation and estrangement the last 5 months make him feel this way because its kind of difficult to feel to in love with someone who your seperated from for 7 months.
Now WH is syaing that the OW made him happier than i ever did in 13 years because she did little things for him that she new would make him happy. Now that he has ran into her and she moved on and is happy, he has all these feelings for her. He says he can't try to work it out because he would be a fraud. He also said that he could say that if he saw her he wouldn't talk to her. Why are all these feelings coming up now? 4 weeks ago i was the love of his life. 4 weeks ago he said he was genrerally happy throughout our marriage, today I've never made him happy.I don't know what to do. He says he needs time to think about whether he want to try to work it out. Apparently, she is everything that I'm not that he wants. I said we could try to buiild a new marriage with new things that both of us want, but he doesn't think we can. Because I was one way in the past I'll alwasys be like that and therefore I am not capable of change. Can we try to work it out if he is having these feelings for the OW?


Posts: 87 | Registered: Jul 2008
wheat
♀ Member
Member # 18918
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, November 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope this helps, Wounded!

I am wondering, for those of you that had PA's, even if just a kiss or hand holding, etc..., but especially "sex" (oral, or otherwise), do you remember that first time you crossed the physical boundary?

I have zero recollection of the day or time, but I do vaguely remember what happened. I have absolutely no answer for why exactly I can't recall the date. It could be a combination of the distance of time (it was several years ago)or that it no longer is significant enough for me to mark the date in memory.

Do you remember the date? The time of the year, etc...?

I know it was in the winter, after the new year.

Besides the physical act, do you remember the guilt or the feelings associated? How about the details of the act?

Oh hell yes. My guilt was horrible, nevermind the fact that apparently I overrode the guilt in my mind in order to get the attention I thought I needed from him.

Now when I think about the sex (being a member of SI has me thinking about it again periodically to answer questions like this one for the BS's that really need the answers they're not getting from their own WS's). I remember the original attraction of "oh he *gets* me", but the majority of the intense feelings that came with the A are smothered over with the guilt.

If you do not remember the specifics, why do you think that is?

My A was snatched time from his family, in cars and parking lots. Just about as low as one could go. I'm repulsed by my own stupidity and thinking about the details is often a mental kick-in-the-pants reminder to never go down that path again.


"Every new day is another chance to change your life."

FSOW - late 30's, married now.


Posts: 209 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: midwest
NoLongerWantHim
♀ Member
Member # 19934
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, November 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is getting scary here

I promised FWH 6 months, and I worked my butt off, making me better and listening.

Man didn't talk.

The 6 months I promised end in 14 days.

If I asked for the type of love letter he wrote to his OW, and I haven't seen it yet, is it ever coming?


Me & the kids are having the malignancy removed.

If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW


Posts: 4117 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Where I want to be, on the road to the future
woundedspouse
♀ Member
Member # 16657
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, November 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you wheat. I am sure it is no fun to think about those days.

Unlike you WH had almost no feelings of guilt.

That affair sounds much like yours...lunch hours , cars, etc...but it went on for several years. It as his first. He remembers what they did, etc...but cannot tell me when it was.

It is very frustrating, as I cannot imagine not remembering that sort of betrayal, especially if it was not overidden with guilt.

Thanks again!!

Wounded


Wounded Spouse
ME - 41 BS
HIM 51 WS
Married 2/93 3 beautiful children
DDay #1 8-26-07 DDay #2 11-8-07 DDAy #3 12-23-07 DDay #?! 7-2-07
"If you ask me what I came into this world to do, I will tell you: "I came to live out loud."

Posts: 1381 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: midwest,
SRVfan38
♀ Member
Member # 19338
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, November 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cali-
It sounds like your H is still in the fog. He still has feelings for the xOW. I think I saw somebody mentioned doing 180, this could benefit you right now. Also, if your WS is not in counseling, it would help to look into that. When a WS still has feelings for the OP or xOP, it is hard to focus and move on with R. The emotions are all over the place. He is still addicted to the feelings the xOW gave him. He is missing the high and bumping into her caused him to trigger, which is why NC is so necessary. I still bump into xOM. At first after the A ended, it was hard and I would work through it, but after a while, it didn't really phase me anymore. The more I was focused on my M, the less and less seeing xOM bothered me. I just stayed as focused as I could on my H. I also just the other day got an email from xOM and it didn't really phase me at all. 6 months ago, it would have. But I've worked hard and stayed focused on my H and my M.

Wounded-
I can't really remember specific dates. I can remember what times of the year based off what the weather was like, but no dates. And I agree with wheat, the intense feelings overwhelmed the guilt. I would come home late at night after seeing xOM and would lay in bed watching my H sleep and would cry and tell myself I can't do this anymore, but then xOM would contact me and say something nice or sweet and it would all be forgotten. We would meet up and again, the same thing all over. I would come home and look at my H, watch him sleep and cry. This was a vicious pattern for 2 years, I couldn't seem to get out of it. But I finally did. I guess I would also have to say that after meeting up with the OP, you compartmentalize and the feelings you had associated with the meeting and also because of the awful thing you just did, you put things away and try to forget it. So, remembering specifics about things such as dates, places, times, ect isn't always possible. Like I say, I know approximately what time of year, but couldn't tell you much beyond that. Unless something big happens, like xOM got a DUI and I sat at the jail and contacted a bondsman to get him out, I remember that date well. I also have a timeline of how and approximately when it happened, but that's it. No specific dates.


I want to become the person my dogs think I am.

Posts: 265 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Wannabe in Tahiti
SmileyBlue
♀ Member
Member # 19444
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, November 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is it that he can be good for a week, then just blow up?
in terms of R he is 100% transparant, accountable, gets that the A was his fault (nothing to do with me), NC with the whore, and usually good with my triggers.

then why is it he blows up sometimes? just loses it and says he cant handle it and that i have ruined his life and that he wants to leave and then when he calms down he says something else? which one is true? i have no idea and its breaking my heart. we had a fight last night where he said he was sick of this, turned his back on me when i was crying and then today its "i love you and miss you" "we will get through this" "i going to do everything to seperate my emotions from me conscious thoughts" (after the A ebook) and all that shit.

why is he doing this i dont get it - he is the one who hurt me why does he act like an ass when he ends up crying and regrets it?


Me: 27 - No longer a BS!
1 little Furbaby

"The bee's are dying? Oh no! Now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwich's?" - Homer Simpson


Posts: 2556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Australia
SmileyBlue
♀ Member
Member # 19444
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, November 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

also what happens when the WS becomes depressed and overwhelmed by everything

what do you do then? we cant afford therapy


Me: 27 - No longer a BS!
1 little Furbaby

"The bee's are dying? Oh no! Now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwich's?" - Homer Simpson


Posts: 2556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Australia
Jade1964dream
♀ Member
Member # 21362
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, November 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWS or WS, please respond...

I thought he was having so much fun with the OW, since he has filed for divorce, and so is she. We have really been going our separate paths for the past 2 months now, and he is pursuing her and she him.
I just had to leave work to have a cry fest!! After not hearing from him for about 3 weeks, he called today, and I didn't p/u the call to my cell, so he left a vmail “just to give you a heads up, I'm going by the house to take the Camaro (junk project car) to take it to Jon's (his brother)."

Then he calls back about 20 minutes, I picked up cause I figured he was having a problem with the car, and because he once complained how I don't p/u when I know it's him calling - geez! Anyway, he said he "just saw my Vespa (scooter) and it has a ton of scratches on the side of it. What happened, are you ok? Did you get hurt?" I told him no I'm not hurt and he wanted to know if I was on it, riding when it happened. No I was not, and I told him I had a blanket on it because I didn't want him to see it. But somehow I guess he was curious and looked under the blanket - it's weird, it's been that way for 4 weeks now, and yet he just now looked?? So I'm upset because it seems he's trying to show his caring side, ugh!! Why, what for, he lost the right to ask how I'm doing....why now? About two months ago, when I fell of a barstool at home while cleaning the ceiling, I had my wrist wrapped. He stopped by, talked to me for about 20 minutes, but never noticed or whatever, didn’t say anything about my wrist!

He also didn't have to call to tell me he was getting the Camaro, he could've just done it, since it's not in the house, and besides he goes in the house everyday to p/u his mail!! So he's calling, likely to find out what I'm doing for Thanksgiving. We had annual Thanksgiving at our house with my family. He also texted my 26 year-old DD last week to see how she's doing and if anything was new with her. She just said she's fine, and nothing new. She's pretty upset with him.

He did this same thing before her birthday, he texted her to see if she was coming up to visit, and she told him no. So around family gathering times, he tries to find out what's going on, because he used to be part of all that, and now he's not.

Is this normal? We're divorcing, he's getting what he wants, why can't he just leave me alone - I'm better off not hearing from him and going forward.


Jadie

Posts: 588 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Paradise
stillnpain
♂ Member
Member # 21580
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, November 18th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wheat, Sexual, and others:

I too am a BS and my wife admitted to groping. (read my profile) But denies sex with OM#1 or 2.
Even so, she has lost complete interest in sex. Since the No Sex Affair started with OM#1 16 months ago, we have only had sex fter she has been drinking alcohol. Only once in 16 months alcohol free. And that was when she returned from the IC and had decided to be the perfect wife. Didn't last. OM#2 was still in the picture. Anyway, I struggle with this. I need affection, reassurance, that I am desirble. But she cannot seem to bring herself to desire affection, and certainly not non alcoholic sex.

What can I do to help her?
Is this permanent?
Friends say I don't look one day over 40. Still got my hair, teeth, am toned, and tan. I just don't get it.
I try to offer jacuzzi baths, candle light, massages, anything. But there is never any interest. She doesn't even like for me to be in the bathroom while she is bathing... WTF? Help!! Suggestions please!!!


ME - BS
HER - WS
DDAY- NOV 07

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
mepe27
♀ Member
Member # 18158
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, November 18th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jade,
Not a WS but I have heard this one before. From what I've read, they want you to be "friends" with them, it makes them feel better about the situation. Like, "see I'm friends with my ex wife, because she agreed divorce was the best and I should be with OW"
It makes them feel better about what they have done. I advise, don't get sucked in. Who cares if you don't pick up b/c you know it's him, if he says that tell him "yep, I didn't want to talk to you" it's the truth and he needs to deal with that. I suggest communicating through email and only about business related stuff. I've heard stbx's saying all kinds of stuff, like they still love you and they miss you and then drive right back to ow. don't get sucked in, actions speak louder than words, if he's with ow, that is the truth.


Me BW-39
H WH-41
Married for 10 years
Two boys 6yrs, 3yrs
D-Day 12/1/07
Got whole painful truth 2/2/08
5/15/2008 EA with co-worker, I left
6/1/08 - We are committing to R
"One falsehood destroys a thousand truths"

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Georgia
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, November 18th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

editing - no answer needed

[This message edited by wannabenormal at 4:29 PM, November 24th (Monday)]


BW, divorced: 03/09


Posts: 14252 | Registered: Jun 2008
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, November 19th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Recently WH made a comment about celebrating our up coming wedding anniversary. I almost gagged.

married 27+ years
DDAY was 12/26/07
R - started 6/08

From my point of view - the old marriage is dead & we have not created a "new marriage". What exactly is there to celebrate? So my question to WS - How do you view the marriage & vows that you "broke"? Less than a year after DDAY - did you want to "celebrate" it? And what exactly were you celebrating?

I was just shocked by his comment. IMHO - it just screamed that he genuinely doesnt understand the depth & breadth of my pain.


Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Question  Posted: 8:55 AM, November 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope I can obtain some insight here from fWS's.

First, a bit of background: We talked a bit last night, and I told him that for the last 14 months, it has been my view that it's been 99% "all about him". (His "issues" as a fall-out from his betrayal.)

Since Dday, I purchased and read books, got counseling, read like a mad-woman, re-defined what I want in a marriage and in a husband, "found" myself again (blowing the dust off and polishing "me" back up), enrolled in college and have gone back to school, spent time identifying MY weaknesses as a wife/mother/self and made a list of how to improve and have been working on that list, etc.

FWH has done none of that. I told him that my frustration over the last 14 months has been that he "says" all these things, but "does" none of them. This has only one conclusion to me, and that is, he either doesn't know what he wants, or knows, and it isn't me/us.

He said he wanted a loving wife, a family, a home. I said to him, "You had those things. You tossed them in the trash. If you REALLY want them, then you have to go "dumpster-diving" for them. They're not going to be given to you on a silver platter."

Just before heading off to bed, I asked him, "What have you done about improving YOU, personally, since Dday?" (Long silence) So I told him, "don't attempt to answer that, just give it some really deep thought."

Now, to the point/question. What exact "things" have you done to "improve" yourself since you wandered? (I'm looking for some "gauge" or enlightenment as to what "work" should/must be done by the fWS to show that they're "working" on themselves.)

**edited to add** I noticed while we were talking that my "point of reference" has been Dday (14 months ago) and his "point of reference" is within the last 6 months. He was a "mental basketcase" from mid-November - June, which may perhaps explain it. I told him, though, that I've been "juggling these emotional balls" for 14 months, and he's only been doing it for 6. I'm tired, I'm running out of patience, etc.

[This message edited by Devestatedx5 at 9:14 AM, November 21st (Friday)]


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

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