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Newest Member: DevastatedWH (43169)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 180 Support
shushpuppy
♀ New Member
Member # 25232
Default  Posted: 2:30 AM, January 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing i found helpful with getting my feelings out rather than give him the big "talk" was to journal. Whenever he is acting out i walk away, sit down and write him a letter about how i feel and then i shred it without giving it to him.

I smile at him when he comes in from work and ask if he had a good day and then ask no further questions. If he wants or need to tell me anything then he will on his own accord.

I basically dont show an interest in anything going on with him.

I am 80% emotionally detached now and realise that in order to keep this up i have to make my own life more about me and not him. I have friends that i didnt have before and no amount of sulking, pouting and the silent treatment is going to make me ditch them.

I have male friends too which goes down like a lead balloon. Having said that this wouldnt have even been considered in our marriage until he decided to change the rules without telling me and kindly took it upon himself to start a really close friendship with a female work colleague!

Whats good for the goose is good for the gander and i have no guilty feelings about it.


Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: UK
Balance&Harmony
♀ Member
Member # 23740
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love the idea of writing a letter to him and not sending it. I am going to do that myself about the negative feelings I have for my WH.

Today I am depressed and emotionally relapsed. I am thinking a lot about my husband. He has been out of the house for 7 months now. Couples of weeks, in addition to 180, I went NC.

I pray for the strength to carry on the 180.

Thanks. B&H


WH 65 - on drugs; 2X divorced; maybe a SA. Email exchange with OW#1 in 2007; string of emails between H and OW#2 in 11/08; caught WH posts in a relationship site early 6/09. BW 44 - M 15y; no children; Separated as of 6/18/09

Posts: 62 | Registered: Apr 2009
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B&H,

You'll find that with practicing the 180 the right way, you'll nurture and develop the intrinsic strength within you


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Whisperingwillow
♀ Member
Member # 24550
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am wondering how 180 works with MC?

I am actually thinking of suggesting we have a pause in MC, as WS has not been transparent. He has been lying by omission. I don't believe he is fully engaged with the MC, its more about doing something he knows I want to do and hopefully I'll shut up about TA soon.


Me: BS 57 Him: WS 57 Child: DD 20
Multiple DDays/TT 28 April 2008 onwards. OW1 -PA 5 months, EA 2 years. OW 2 a prostate he paid to touch him PA. Then there was inappropriate friendship/flirtation with OW3. Current EA with OW 4 since 2010 whic

Posts: 297 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: London, England, UK
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps it may help to think of MC as a neutral ground to communicate.

Express your needs.
Call him on his behaviour.
Lay out your boundaries.

If you get nowhere with the "peace talks", it's back to the 180 at home.

If it continues and you feel that you're just spinning your wheels in MC, you're perfectly entitled to inform him that if he's not willing to put forth the effort that you don't see a point in pursuing MC. However, you need to make it clear that you want a real marriage built upon honesty and trust, and that you won't stay in the current situation if nothing changes.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
crushed again
♀ Member
Member # 26138
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, February 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I slipped the other night from 180 and let WH lay some emotional cr*p on me! I've been so proud of myself and then I slipped- big time!!
It had been an emotional night as it was our 1st MC session (probably our last)and I let WH see what an emotional wreck I've become.
He told me to 'get it together and quit pushing HIS decisions'! The MC suggests we keep everything on "the surface" for awhile. I told WH the next day that is NOT what I need to heal. Anyway last night he REALLY ticked me off I came home from Bible Study and he went to the corner bar!! Ridiculous. But I 180ed him anyway.
Sometimes w/the 180 attitude I feel I may as well just give him permission to do what he wants when he wants. Anyone else ever feel that frustration?
One reward though I got from the 180 was that WH told the MC he has seen quite a change in me. That I'm much stronger than he ever realized!!


"Don't you worry your pretty little mind because people throw rocks at things that shine!"
~I guess living in limbo is my "new normal"- stinks!~

Posts: 713 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!
jaded_and_lost
♀ Member
Member # 27047
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, February 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

for me the 180 is a quest for balance. I make a plan for my own security and sanity, and then let WH know that him moving out is still me fighting for my marriage, but letting go of the outcome, and trying to move forward from him. I am fighting for the marriage by allowing myself to heal, by giving him space to find out since staying in the same house wasn't accomplishing that. I left my first marriage b/c I didn't feel my ex could accept or support my dreams (going back to school was a big one) and my Ex never felt I was a strong enough person to take care of myself. But I also know, that if my exH would have tried to give me space to miss him, to explore who I was without treating me like a child, I might have missed him and taken him back. He was so trying to control me that he refused to leave the house (he had another house we owned.) If he had offered a trial separation I would have taken it and who knows? We might have both been able to grow back together.


I tried to keep WH here to show how dedicated I was to saving our marriage. But he showed no interest in that. So now I'm letting him move out to see if he will miss me. OR...if I will miss him and SD's personality disorder. It may be that I find out I don't want him back anyway. I'm kind of thinking that may happen actually and I would welcome that now.

Or he may realize he does miss me, need me, want to work on this.

Or not.

I've surrendered outcome.

I will also institute NC as much as possible b/c I am already here after I took off last weekend for a hotel and saw first hand how much it worked to gain his attention.

He couldn't stand not knowing where I was, or what BD 4 was doing. I think he has a rude awakening awaiting him.

To me, this A for my WH was about feeling overwhelmed in our blended family, with the craziness his daughter stirs up constantly, and my depression at not being able to fix that part for him, or get him to take it back. He had an A with a MOW coworker, b/c at work he feels in control and at home he does not.

So...

This not having any control over our home, or BD 4 I think will be a wake up call that he hasn't even begun to comprehend.


As I said, I find the 180 a balancing act- what's best to move forward toward D or R...

Combined with giving the BS some time away from the dysfunction and drama....

Combined with giving the WS a wake up call as to what D would mean for real.

I have let go too, that this will allow him some MOW time. B/c I know that may be part of the process too. Perhaps the more he feels apart from me, the more risks he'll take and the A will be found out at work. As long as he doesn't lose his ability to support me that's fine with me as I think it will kill the A on many levels.

Anyway...sorry to be so longwinded. I am going to be posting a lot til he gets OUT of the house and I can move on with my healing.


BS Me (43)
WS H (41)
blended family
Dday 12-28-09
Separated 03-28-10
Dissolution Granted 6-30-11
Slowly getting my single mom land legs back under me and hoping for a happier future.

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Jan 2010
inabadway
♀ Member
Member # 27636
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, February 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is the 180 for all BS's ...or those that are separated? I feel like if I act cheerful, he'll think I'm over it and fine. But I'm not (I'm not even sure I can act cheerful...I can't fake it because I'm SO low right now)


Me - 37
WS - 39
2 kids
D-Day 2/7/10
He wants to work it out (of course he does)...but do I?

Posts: 246 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: The Middle
crushed again
♀ Member
Member # 26138
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, February 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((( inabadway )))
No 180 is good for all BS's whether together or seperated. Too me the 'needier' I acted the more turned off and foggy WH became. I remember one time around Thanksgiving before I really started 180ing, WH and I had a real heart to heart. Well, it was 'real' on my end. Anywoo, came to find out after our talk WH left to go see OW
and if that wasn't bad enough he took her a gift!
Yes, hard to act 'cheerful' when you are hurting so. Hugs again. If I feel vulnerable I just go somewhere else in the house and talk on the phone w/a friend or start journaling. If the weather allows I take a long walk- alone. Now I never call or text WH 1st- he always does. Also I'm learning to enjoy my 'own' company. The 180 has helped me so much in my situation- wish I would've started it last year before WH's A and I bet he never would have had it! But if wishes were $$$'s I'd be rich!
Post on here often and pm me if you want- YOU can do this!


"Don't you worry your pretty little mind because people throw rocks at things that shine!"
~I guess living in limbo is my "new normal"- stinks!~

Posts: 713 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand how 180 and MC go together.


180: I am supposed to man up, work on myself, and be emotionally detached from my WW.

MC: I am supposed to let myself be emotionally vulnerable and talk about how much pain she caused (is causing) me.

They contradict each other.

Help!


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jsngold
Maybe somebody will have better insight than mine, but if your wife is working on herself and working on your marriage, not in denial, etc then I fail to see how 180 is helpful. In my case my wife is in denial, blaming me and is a flaming addict so 180 is the only logical way I can take care of myself and let go of the outcome. If mine were to express sincere regret and voluntarily accept counseling I would drop the 180 very quickly. Maybe that's just me and I am wrong but that's what I believe.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you 180 and HB at the same time?


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand how 180 and MC go together.

Well I guess that I get to find out tomorrow am. I began 180 yesterday morning after she had a hissy fit and went back to blaming me for everything wrong yada, yada, yada

I have withdrawn emotionally from her, and expanded my focus into the kids and me.

In mc tomorrow I intend to keep this approach, I will participate, but I am keeping my emotions safe and protected until she owns her crap in all of this. I don't mean says she understands and then pouts, I mean she really starts to demonstrate some remorse.

I am going to tell her it is unacceptable that she removed my access to her Facebook, the way I found out about the affair by un-friending me and tying it to an email account I have no access to.

I will mention that I was happy last week to hear her say that she shares responsibility with me for the state of our marriage, but that I was angry this week when she wrote: I believe you share equally in the blame of all of this mess and until you assume part of the responsibility, we will get nowhere.

I will tell her that I want to hear she is sorry, and that she wants me, that I canít do this on the hope that she may love me some day.

We will see what happens. If it goes poorly, I am not going back and I will maintain the 180 while I take my time deciding what I need to do.



LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
mplpmom
♀ Member
Member # 27266
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH moved out on monday, after I told him he could no longer live at home if he was still in contact with OW (dday was 12/26/10). I have been surprising good about NC. Have not called or text him once. The thing is I can't help feeling like I am doing him a favor by not "bothering" him. It hurts that he hasn't reached out to me, not even on my bday. I feel like HE is 180ing ME Anybody else feel that way?


Me - BW (36)
Him - WH (35)
M - 7 years, together 11
DD - 5, DS - 2
DDay - 12/26/09
R is an on again off again ride and I am starting to feel queasy.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2010
gonogo1
♀ Member
Member # 25518
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have maintained NC with WH since second week of Jan ,2010. I left a message on OW voicemail at work outlining her affair with WH , police contacted me. Oh well won't do that again. Was drunk and just did it All , additive incentive to maintain NC.WH has all of my intentions all srewed up , he has his own view of the way I think, I have no idea how he thinks anymore.I don't know him . Talk of screwed up communication. I can't fix him.He doesn't want to fix himselfas he sees nothing to fix.

Posts: 1608 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: East Coast
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, March 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mplpmom- yes it does feel that way, the idea, for me, is since she perceives me as her problem, she wants me out of her way. The hope is she may notice I'm not there for her and start to miss it, or failing that, I will get past caring what she does and make a decision about our marriage.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, March 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

180 seems to be working for me.

It seems to be knocking her out of her fog.

But more importantly, it is helping me to emotionally disengage myself from her.

It is reducing my co-dependence and making me into more of a "differentiated self".

In other words, it is helping me to man up.


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, March 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that the trick is to personalize the 180 for your own situation.

Don't just follow the numbered list. Delete the ones that aren't relevant to your situation. Add new ones that are relevant to your situation.

Personalize it.


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
tearsofjade
♀ Member
Member # 25778
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, March 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with jsngold. It has taken me 6 months of slow realization and growth spurts and steps backward to now be at a point that I can be happy with.

When I went into hard-core 180, anger helped alot. H would get upset that I was detaching, becoming distant, etc. So I would basically stop 180, thinking he wanted to see ALL my emotion! NOT. I went through this cycle 3 or 4 times. I said on a few occasions in MC etc that I am going to do what I need to meet my needs, and I have. He just wasn't really able to see these and since I still would backpedal when H would get upset about my distance and go back to trying to "fix" us. All these months I have been doinf for me, I have built up my self-confidence more than anytime in my life. I have become an outgoing person. I have been painfully shy my whole life, now I chat with people on a regular basis, even strangers. I read "How to talk to anyone" and just the first few chapters have helped me a lot. But H did't see this. I have enrolled in school to finish my degree, someting I wanted to do 6 years ago, but H wasn't thrilled with the idea so I put that dream away, for him! bad idea. H hasn't really been able to see that I am meeting my own needs, because I would get upset that he wasn't meeting the ones I wanted him too.

So what I have realized is that I can keep going forward with what I want/need in my life and when H starts getting upset instead of turning around to put all my attention on him again, I keep going forward and invite him to join me on my journey. That doesn't mean I always have to have my way, but that I am aware of what I need and I am no longer going to sacrifice those needs all the time.

One thing that was very difficult for me was doing 180 and still having sex. When we would have sex I would feel vulnerable and the intimacy of it would send me back to an emotional mess. In a way I would feel used, we had sex, but I was not getting some of my needs met by him, so I would go into "you have to meet my needs" mode. Sex has always been great with H. I figured out I could enjoy it with out taking the emotional steps back. We have sex I enjoy it and I keep going forward.

If H doesn't keep up with me then he may find himself without me one day. By that I mean I am coming to understand myself, get rid of the crap, trust myself. He has issues, if he doesn't want to acknowledge and address them, then its his lose, he will loose me, I will outgrow him.

For me 180 is a state of mind, I can do what I need for me and still enjoy conversations and sex with H. But as I said he may get left behind if he doesn't do the growing needed to have a great relationship, I will not settle any longer.

Closer to DDay your emotions are so raw its hard. It has taken me 6 months to find this balance, it really feels great now though. I don't let him suck me in with his adolescent remarks and actions. The phrase "I am sorry you feel that way" has become my best friend.

I am moving on with my life, the way I want it to be and inviting him along, not stopping to turn back and appease him. I still meet the needs he has as long as they don't compromise mine, and I don't EXPECT anything in return. I was beating my head against a brick wall trying to MAKE him meet my needs. Since I have stopped that H is much more willing and able to meet those needs with out my input.

Hope this helps, I know it went a bit long. I am happy to talk to anyone just PM me.

[This message edited by tearsofjade at 8:06 AM, March 7th (Sunday)]


FBW(me)48
Divorced and really happy!
The best revenge is a life lived well!

Posts: 653 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: michigan
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only thing about the 180, is that whenever I do it in her presence, she gets this pathetic, scared look in her eyes, like a deer caught in the headlights.

Like, "Don't you like me anymore?"

Like, "Why are you abandoning me?"

I guess that that is exactly what I want her to feel, but my automatic response is to return and comfort her. Then, after she gets her comfort, she goes back to taking me for granted - like a piece of furniture that will always be there.

Bottom line: The 180 is working, but I am aborting the process by rushing to comfort her when she starts to feel that maybe I won't be here forever.

I need to strengthen myself in the 180. I need to let her feel the pain of my emotional disengagement.

Heck, she abandoned me by having an EA. Why shouldn't I let her feel a little abandoned due to my 180?


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
Topic Posts: 257
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