I smile at him when he comes in from work and ask if he had a good day and then ask no further questions. If he wants or need to tell me anything then he will on his own accord.
I basically dont show an interest in anything going on with him.
I am 80% emotionally detached now and realise that in order to keep this up i have to make my own life more about me and not him. I have friends that i didnt have before and no amount of sulking, pouting and the silent treatment is going to make me ditch them.
I have male friends too which goes down like a lead balloon. Having said that this wouldnt have even been considered in our marriage until he decided to change the rules without telling me and kindly took it upon himself to start a really close friendship with a female work colleague!
Whats good for the goose is good for the gander and i have no guilty feelings about it.
Today I am depressed and emotionally relapsed. I am thinking a lot about my husband. He has been out of the house for 7 months now. Couples of weeks, in addition to 180, I went NC.
I pray for the strength to carry on the 180.
You'll find that with practicing the 180 the right way, you'll nurture and develop the intrinsic strength within you
I am actually thinking of suggesting we have a pause in MC, as WS has not been transparent. He has been lying by omission. I don't believe he is fully engaged with the MC, its more about doing something he knows I want to do and hopefully I'll shut up about TA soon.
Express your needs.
Call him on his behaviour.
Lay out your boundaries.
If you get nowhere with the "peace talks", it's back to the 180 at home.
If it continues and you feel that you're just spinning your wheels in MC, you're perfectly entitled to inform him that if he's not willing to put forth the effort that you don't see a point in pursuing MC. However, you need to make it clear that you want a real marriage built upon honesty and trust, and that you won't stay in the current situation if nothing changes.
I tried to keep WH here to show how dedicated I was to saving our marriage. But he showed no interest in that. So now I'm letting him move out to see if he will miss me. OR...if I will miss him and SD's personality disorder. It may be that I find out I don't want him back anyway. I'm kind of thinking that may happen actually and I would welcome that now.
Or he may realize he does miss me, need me, want to work on this.
I've surrendered outcome.
I will also institute NC as much as possible b/c I am already here after I took off last weekend for a hotel and saw first hand how much it worked to gain his attention.
He couldn't stand not knowing where I was, or what BD 4 was doing. I think he has a rude awakening awaiting him.
To me, this A for my WH was about feeling overwhelmed in our blended family, with the craziness his daughter stirs up constantly, and my depression at not being able to fix that part for him, or get him to take it back. He had an A with a MOW coworker, b/c at work he feels in control and at home he does not.
This not having any control over our home, or BD 4 I think will be a wake up call that he hasn't even begun to comprehend.
As I said, I find the 180 a balancing act- what's best to move forward toward D or R...
Combined with giving the BS some time away from the dysfunction and drama....
Combined with giving the WS a wake up call as to what D would mean for real.
I have let go too, that this will allow him some MOW time. B/c I know that may be part of the process too. Perhaps the more he feels apart from me, the more risks he'll take and the A will be found out at work. As long as he doesn't lose his ability to support me that's fine with me as I think it will kill the A on many levels.
Anyway...sorry to be so longwinded. I am going to be posting a lot til he gets OUT of the house and I can move on with my healing.
180: I am supposed to man up, work on myself, and be emotionally detached from my WW.
MC: I am supposed to let myself be emotionally vulnerable and talk about how much pain she caused (is causing) me.
They contradict each other.
I don't understand how 180 and MC go together.
Well I guess that I get to find out tomorrow am. I began 180 yesterday morning after she had a hissy fit and went back to blaming me for everything wrong yada, yada, yada
I have withdrawn emotionally from her, and expanded my focus into the kids and me.
In mc tomorrow I intend to keep this approach, I will participate, but I am keeping my emotions safe and protected until she owns her crap in all of this. I don't mean says she understands and then pouts, I mean she really starts to demonstrate some remorse.
I am going to tell her it is unacceptable that she removed my access to her Facebook, the way I found out about the affair by un-friending me and tying it to an email account I have no access to.
I will mention that I was happy last week to hear her say that she shares responsibility with me for the state of our marriage, but that I was angry this week when she wrote: I believe you share equally in the blame of all of this mess and until you assume part of the responsibility, we will get nowhere.
I will tell her that I want to hear she is sorry, and that she wants me, that I canít do this on the hope that she may love me some day.
We will see what happens. If it goes poorly, I am not going back and I will maintain the 180 while I take my time deciding what I need to do.
It seems to be knocking her out of her fog.
But more importantly, it is helping me to emotionally disengage myself from her.
It is reducing my co-dependence and making me into more of a "differentiated self".
In other words, it is helping me to man up.
Don't just follow the numbered list. Delete the ones that aren't relevant to your situation. Add new ones that are relevant to your situation.
When I went into hard-core 180, anger helped alot. H would get upset that I was detaching, becoming distant, etc. So I would basically stop 180, thinking he wanted to see ALL my emotion! NOT. I went through this cycle 3 or 4 times. I said on a few occasions in MC etc that I am going to do what I need to meet my needs, and I have. He just wasn't really able to see these and since I still would backpedal when H would get upset about my distance and go back to trying to "fix" us. All these months I have been doinf for me, I have built up my self-confidence more than anytime in my life. I have become an outgoing person. I have been painfully shy my whole life, now I chat with people on a regular basis, even strangers. I read "How to talk to anyone" and just the first few chapters have helped me a lot. But H did't see this. I have enrolled in school to finish my degree, someting I wanted to do 6 years ago, but H wasn't thrilled with the idea so I put that dream away, for him! bad idea. H hasn't really been able to see that I am meeting my own needs, because I would get upset that he wasn't meeting the ones I wanted him too.
So what I have realized is that I can keep going forward with what I want/need in my life and when H starts getting upset instead of turning around to put all my attention on him again, I keep going forward and invite him to join me on my journey. That doesn't mean I always have to have my way, but that I am aware of what I need and I am no longer going to sacrifice those needs all the time.
One thing that was very difficult for me was doing 180 and still having sex. When we would have sex I would feel vulnerable and the intimacy of it would send me back to an emotional mess. In a way I would feel used, we had sex, but I was not getting some of my needs met by him, so I would go into "you have to meet my needs" mode. Sex has always been great with H. I figured out I could enjoy it with out taking the emotional steps back. We have sex I enjoy it and I keep going forward.
If H doesn't keep up with me then he may find himself without me one day. By that I mean I am coming to understand myself, get rid of the crap, trust myself. He has issues, if he doesn't want to acknowledge and address them, then its his lose, he will loose me, I will outgrow him.
For me 180 is a state of mind, I can do what I need for me and still enjoy conversations and sex with H. But as I said he may get left behind if he doesn't do the growing needed to have a great relationship, I will not settle any longer.
Closer to DDay your emotions are so raw its hard. It has taken me 6 months to find this balance, it really feels great now though. I don't let him suck me in with his adolescent remarks and actions. The phrase "I am sorry you feel that way" has become my best friend.
I am moving on with my life, the way I want it to be and inviting him along, not stopping to turn back and appease him. I still meet the needs he has as long as they don't compromise mine, and I don't EXPECT anything in return. I was beating my head against a brick wall trying to MAKE him meet my needs. Since I have stopped that H is much more willing and able to meet those needs with out my input.
Hope this helps, I know it went a bit long. I am happy to talk to anyone just PM me.
[This message edited by tearsofjade at 8:06 AM, March 7th (Sunday)]
Like, "Don't you like me anymore?"
Like, "Why are you abandoning me?"
I guess that that is exactly what I want her to feel, but my automatic response is to return and comfort her. Then, after she gets her comfort, she goes back to taking me for granted - like a piece of furniture that will always be there.
Bottom line: The 180 is working, but I am aborting the process by rushing to comfort her when she starts to feel that maybe I won't be here forever.
I need to strengthen myself in the 180. I need to let her feel the pain of my emotional disengagement.
Heck, she abandoned me by having an EA. Why shouldn't I let her feel a little abandoned due to my 180?