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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 180 Support
LongTermSurvivor
♀ Member
Member # 25480
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, September 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess since I'm new here, I'm a little unsure what the 180 is all about.

I think I might be doing a subconscious 180 on my husband simply because I naturally don't want to talk to him, laugh with him, cook for him, wash for him, or do anything for or with him anymore after finding out.

I think the idea for the 180 stems naturally from our instincts to tune him out following his A. I like the added points of smiling, ignoring, etc...although those parts take a LOT more effort for me! LOL But I'm working on it.


Me: BS, 42
He: WH, 42
Married: 15 years
His "LTA" turned out to be neither EA nor PA. Unbelievable.
OW: An ugly, dumb, clingy, desperate pig.

"May you always kiss the one you please, and always please the one you kiss".


Posts: 753 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: New York City
shushpuppy
♀ New Member
Member # 25232
Default  Posted: 3:40 AM, September 17th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ive done the 180 for the past 6 months. His Passive Agressive tendencies is was finally brought me to back away and let him do exactly as he pleases with no emotional outbursts or long winded speeches about how he makes me feel.

When i have momentary blips of feeling over emotional or affected i journal instead of tryin to communicate with him. This has now become the reason we have no emotional connection (according to him). Journalling is not normal behaviour so he told me!

I have joined college and i am loving it. However, he isnt! He constantly sulks because i have new friends and new ideas. He is upset that i will be spending lots of time doing homework and to him that is going to have an impact on our lives. Why? because homework means less time to fuss over him!


Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: UK
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, September 18th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great job shushpuppy! When you don't react how he thinks you should, he has not control over you to sustain his warped vision of how things should be. Hopefully, he'll see that he, alone, has to take responsibility for himself and start taking the necessary steps towards self improvement and improvement of the marriage. If not - at least you'll be able to constructively live your life anyway as you're regaining your personal empowerment!


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, September 26th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump

Posts: 10941 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
shushpuppy
♀ New Member
Member # 25232
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, October 1st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The more i do the 180 the worse he is getting and upping his manipulative behaviour!

Hubby has just been diagnosed with diabetes and told he can control it with diet alone. He has always been a big over eater and piled on the pounds over the last 5 years. I have asked him so many times "when do you look in the mirror and recognise you need to lose some weight". He has always told me to mind my own business despite me worrying about his health. I mean our sex life has been almost none existant because of it.

Armed with his diagnosis i am now the one to blame. I feed him and therefore i am the one who has made him like he is!!!! (nothing to do with gorging on chocolate and unhealthy snacks after every meal).

He has hardly spoken for a week but giving out the facial gestures that are trying to tell me he is not happy with me.

Any ideas how to handle this?


Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: UK
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, October 1st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Shush Puppy-

Sounds like a "win win" opportunity to me. How many of these things would give him full control of his diet?

He does the grocery shopping
He does the cooking
He chooses and buys his own "snacks"
You are not available for dinners out.
You never mention his weight or his food choices.

We kind of share this problem btw, I have always done the grocery shopping and cooking in our house, my wife is diabetic, and a SA. I haven't gone so far as to turn the grocery shopping over to her because she is also a gambling addict and we can't afford to give her access to my checking account. But I have asked her for a list of what she wants in the house. We each do our own cooking now. Saves me a lot of time. She likes to blame me for her problems,not just her weight, but this one is now entirely in her court. The more of her problems that are "my fault" I put in her court the happier I am. It's kind of peaceful being the guy who takes care of his own chit but not hers.

by the way I am 6'1" and 173 lbs. She is 5'5" and 176 lbs. lmao at her weight being my "fault"

[This message edited by Stop at 6:12 AM, October 1st (Thursday)]


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
shushpuppy
♀ New Member
Member # 25232
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, October 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your reply STOP!

He is such a victim! Its been 4 weeks now and he has hardly said a few words to me. He wont talk about his diabetes. He wont talk about why he is overly quiet. He has lost all affection for me. He comes home from work and sits at his pc till 9pm and then the television takes over. No conversation whatsoever. I have asked him if he is feeling ok and got told "stop being stupid, why shouldnt i be feeling ok"?. We had friends round at the weekend, friends he confesses to dislike yet he sat there and told them all about how being diagnosed as having diabetes had rocked his world and made him feel pretty down and saddened by it. He told them all about his plans to get healthy and how he was going to attempt to control his weight.

Charming! I get all the mood swings, silent treatment and they walk in and get his thoughts and feelings.

Right now i am very angry about it.


Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: UK
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, October 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shushpuppy - it's very common for a WS to play up being the victim and noble martyr for an audience while you bear the mistreatment in solitude.

Remember - he needs to be angry at you to have a valid reason in his mind for why he's cheating. If he can treat you like dirt, then he can assume that the reason to do so exists. Truly, it is akin to a spoiled child screaming "I hate you" because you took away their sugar. It's all about putting up a shitstorm so thick that he doesn't have to look at himself.

Of course, he still needs that validation from external sources to help convince himself of the lies he tells himself. This is where he plays everyone else for a fool and makes himself out to be the noble martyr.

I suggest that you take away his audience and that you go out with your friends without him. You may also want to consider the pros/cons of exposing his behaviour to these external sources that he relies on.

Also, you really need to learn how to have a conversation with him without leaving him openings to attack you. This is where you want to treat him as you would say... a cashier at the grocery store. Learn some closing lines such as "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "Hey, I'd love to chat but my bean burrito is ready". Those little messages say much more than arguing for an hour.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
mybugga
♀ Member
Member # 25014
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, October 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I'm very new to the 180. Literally I just started...shortly before lunch(that new). I have officially ignored a phone call from him. I will call him back...I think. He is out of town tending to his Mum who is having surgery today.

Oh this is just so hard. You see the post on the opposite of the 180...that is me to a tea.

Can someone please tell me that I'm going to be ok, that I can do this and become a better person for it??


BS(Me)40
FWS(Him)49 Brief EA
Married 14 years
2 Daughters 13 and 9
D-Day was June 15th of 2009
FOW-Aquiantance of childhood friend. Newly seperated from her H. Several years older then my H. With 2 grown children.
Making an attempt at R


Posts: 71 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Wisconsin
mybugga
♀ Member
Member # 25014
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, October 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I just called him and he was all happy to hear from me.

I tried to be a jovial and non-caring as I could. He asked me "what was wrong" I said "nothing why do you ask".
His response was that I sounded funny. I guess funny because I'm usually the pathetic one.


BS(Me)40
FWS(Him)49 Brief EA
Married 14 years
2 Daughters 13 and 9
D-Day was June 15th of 2009
FOW-Aquiantance of childhood friend. Newly seperated from her H. Several years older then my H. With 2 grown children.
Making an attempt at R


Posts: 71 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Wisconsin
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, October 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds good mybugga. Sorry you are here.

For me the 180 was very good information but really wasn't valuable until I was actually able to let go of the outcome. In other words not even consider how she felt about my behavior.

My activities now mirror the 180 list with boundaries (walls actually because my wife is still acting out, in denial, and not remorseful) It's all about your motivation. My guess is if you are trying to "get his attention" or manipulate his behavior in any way, that the 180 will be very tough on you and probaby will not accomplish your goals.

On the other hand if you truly let go of the outcome and act soley to protect yourself and to enhance your own life. Your future is bright whether you eventually decide to be with him or not.

Just my 2 cents and I hope you don't take it negatively because it is intended to help you, not hurt you.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
tearsofjade
♀ Member
Member # 25778
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, October 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Without getting into all the details I had DDay 8/22/2009, he lies about it first saying they just talked, texted once in a while, when I told him I could see on the bill the constant txting talking he said ok we flirted a little, I like the attention. When I realized I was having some "female" issues and was going to the Dr. so he needed to tell the truth if we were going to work things out he sais yes it was a PA/EA, this took 4 days. He says DDay he told her it was over and that was that and that she was no longer going to be working at the restaraunt they met at. So 5 weeks later I decide to call the rest. to see if she is still working there, lo and behold she is, and he shows up that nite to talk to her, because she called him saying shes been getting hang up calls. So I am SOOOO pissed when he comes home that nite I tell him "we're done". The next day he takes my name off our checking acct. for a month now he refuses to put it back on because he "has to protect himself" in case I leave and decied to drain the acct. I am so ready to do 180 I NEED to for me. I figure if he already thinks I could leave even after telling him I am not giving up on us, he will see it as further evidence that I am preparing to leave. And btw he says my call to the rest. is the reason he HAD to go talk to her, after 5 weeks of supposed NC.

I havent read all the posts on this thread yet but intend to, any input/inspiration and guidence is appreciated.


FBW(me)48
Divorced and really happy!
The best revenge is a life lived well!

Posts: 653 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: michigan
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, October 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tearsofjade,

Sorry you are dealing with this, glad you came here you will find a lot of moral support here.

Since I don't know any details of your situation I willbe careful about giving advice except to tell you it is important to be true to yourself and who you are. Take care of yourself (open your own account if appropriate for instance with the idea of always keeping it and setting aside your own private nest egg even if you do work things out?)

If withdrawing 180 style seems appropriate to you, do that, you have every right to your feelings and choices in the matter; be sure you give yourself credit for what you can do and your own personal power.

Carefully check your motivations before you say or do anything. I advise you not to do anything or withhold doing anything for the purpose of controlling or manipulating him. Just do for yourself. He will notice.

Keep posting and welcome.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, November 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
lookslikeaduck
♀ Member
Member # 12103
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, November 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


BS oct 2009 ..... never make someone your priority if they only make you a option

Posts: 374 | Registered: Sep 2006
Cecil2156
♀ Member
Member # 26445
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, December 27th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, so I'm trying my best to do the 180, but it is freaking hard! I'm mainly doing it for my own sanity, yet a small part of me hopes that it could lead to de-fogging WH. I have some questions to see whether I'm doing it correctly. Do I say "hello" when he comes home at night? Do I say "good morning?" He rarely greets me, so I thought I'd be the bigger person and do so, but now I'm wondering if it goes against the 180 principles.

Also, how am I supposed to deal with his blatant rudeness, i.e., reaching in front of me and squeezing past me without saying excuse me? Do I just ignore it and realize that it's just a part of treating me coldly so that he can justify his being wrong?

Another question: how am I supposed to act cheerful when we barely talk? Do I whistle? Put on a smile? Put a bounce in my step?


Me: BW - 37
Him: XH - 40
DD - 6 years old
Married for 6 years, together for 15 years at D-Day
D-Day: 10/31/09
Filed for divorce: February 2010
Divorced: 4/11/11

Posts: 140 | Registered: Dec 2009
Cecil2156
♀ Member
Member # 26445
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, December 28th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Me: BW - 37
Him: XH - 40
DD - 6 years old
Married for 6 years, together for 15 years at D-Day
D-Day: 10/31/09
Filed for divorce: February 2010
Divorced: 4/11/11

Posts: 140 | Registered: Dec 2009
scipio
♂ New Member
Member # 26899
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, December 29th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my situation I really see the 180 working only if we were separated.

It's also entirely possible that I'm just doing this all wrong :) From my personal point of view, the behaviors listed for 180 seem to make me act like a dick towards my WW. That's not really my objective, and everytime she gets sad, she just calls the OM for comfort.

I get concentrating on me, and I do exercise, diet, drink (only sometimes, and in moderation) and do other things that I find enjoyable. But I don't get the silence and coldness towards my wife.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Dec 2009
Just Crushed
♂ Member
Member # 24852
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, January 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I looks like this thread doesn't get that much activity. I wonder how many people are successfully doing the 180???

Well, I read through the 180 for the nth time and read SerJr's 180 interpretation, which is quite good BTW (pg 1 on this thread). Yesterday, I read through all the pages on this thread (yes, I know I'm spending too much time on SI obsessing).

So I put all my studies into practice yesterday...and, boy was I bad at it. I was just a grumpy a-hole. I guess scipio summarized my first attempt at 180:

It's also entirely possible that I'm just doing this all wrong :) From my personal point of view, the behaviors listed for 180 seem to make me act like a dick towards my WW.

I think I need more practice, but it is somewhat difficult living under the same roof. I read through this entire thread looking for tips on how to formulate my own 180, given my circumstances and given the fact that I am living w/ WW and have 4 kids which are keeping a keen eye on us parents.

The couple of nuggets of info that I found in this thread that I will try to implement include:
1) don't be an a-hole - be indiferent in a polite and cordial way,
2) A small smile when you pass him/her in the hall (like a stranger on the street?) helps make it less uncomfortable.
3) Do not ignore - yes/no or very brief answers delivered pleasantly/politely are easy.
4) Do not offer or volunteer ANYTHING.

Wish me luck and any other tips for 180 with kids and under same roof would be helpful.

Maybe I won't be an a-hole on my 2nd day at 180


BH
*details in Profile*

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jul 2009
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, January 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe I have read (maybe in one of Karnes books or website) it is important to disengage with a spouse who is acting out. Preferrably with love but if you can't do it lovingly, doing it in anger is better than nothing. I believe that.

I am doing it lovingly but damn it's hard. Sometimes I get very frustrated sometimes I am angry but I simply walk away with a forced smile.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
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