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User Topic: 180 Support
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to post this in the Recon forum as well.

I have been 180'ing my WH for about the past few months. It has been very hard. WH needs a lot of attention and at times I feared that it would backfire but I know that I have become a stronger person. What is difficult is that I have had to let go of that desire to control him. I kept thinking that the 180 would make him want to stay in the marriage. It is much more complex than that.

About 2 weeks ago, WH came to a realization that he did not like the person he was and wanted to make some changes. He apologized to me for everything and has continued to make noticable changes in the way he interacts with me, etc. I wasn't quite sure how to handle the changes - mostly, I didn't believe they were real. So I sort of fell off the 180 wagon for awhile. When I saw him being vulnerable, I sort of pounced on him. I know that was wrong and am back on track, I think.

I filed for D a couple of weeks ago because I was fed up with WH breaking contact, etc. Now, after his enlightenment WH starts telling me that he would be willing to reconcile if I can own my part and work on forgiving him, etc. The problem is that he still talks to OW (!). They text back and forth and occasionally talk on the phone. He swears up and down that it is strictly a platonic relationship.

Of course I don't believe that and NC would be an absolute necessity if I were to consider R. I just don't know how to convey all of this to him without coming off as a needy person and breaking the 180. I am not sure that he would agree to NC but at least I would have my "final answer." We have had multiple D-Days with this same OW and I never set firm boundaries. I see people on this board all the time who are reconciling after multiple D-Days and I just wonder how that real reconciliation really got started.

I am not sure if that made any sense but I would appreciate any words of wisdom you all might have.

Thanks.

[This message edited by mommyblonde at 3:49 PM, June 25th (Thursday)]


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Your words don't impress me. I would want to see changed behaviour over the long term if I was to stay in this relationship."

Short, and to the point. If he doesn't understand what you want then he clearly doesn't want to.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks SerJR. I spoke with him last night and it is clear that he doesn't get it and doesn't want to.

I told him that the first step for me is him going NC with OW. There will be no "working on the relationship" otherwise. He did not agree with me - again.

Once again I told him it doesn't work that way. He just doesn't want to take the chance that R might not work out and end up alone without his "friend" to talk to.

I see things clearly now and feel better. At least I put everything out on the table and don't have regrets that I should have said something. I know that he doesn't really want to R the right way.

I have drawn my line in the sand and it appears that we will be separating a/o this weekend. It is painful but I think the separation will help me with my 180.

Does it seem that I am now looking at this the right way? I hope so.

[This message edited by mommyblonde at 10:28 AM, June 26th (Friday)]


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are.

I told him that the first step for me is him going NC with OW. There will be no "working on the relationship" otherwise. He did not agree with me - again. Once again I told him it doesn't work that way. He just doesn't want to take the chance that R might not work out and end up alone without his "friend" to talk to.

One thing you're going to want to learn is how to close a conversation. You laid out a boundary. He disagreed with it. Learn to end it there. It sounds like the two of you argued on that for a bit. This lets him warp and distort the issues, spin you around, justify that you're unreasonable, and suck you into his drama. I can bet he's gonna try this, or something similar, again.

When he disagreed the first time, I would have said something to the effect of "Okay, thank you but I'm not interested and don't care to argue about it. Have a good night." Don't be the one in need, be the one in control of yourself.

You mention that you're separating this weekend. Does that mean you've protected yourself and your assets, arranged custody, and have spoken to a lawyer yet? I would make sure to have those things in place as soon as possible.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SerJr,

That is a good point about the argument. It is the same argument we have over and over and it is pointless. I will take your advice next time because I am sure there will be a next time.

As for you other question, I do have most of my ducks in a row, so to speak. I have already filed for D (no-fault state so that was easy), have an attorney and have drawn up a temporary plan regarding assets and custody. The plan has been sitting here on my computer pending the result of our discussion. I was actually just working on it earlier today.

Thanks for your help and advice!


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
ranger
♂ New Member
Member # 24558
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have MC with WW tomorrow and can't think how to do 180 in that environment. Isn't that a place to display our true feelings not hide behind a mask?

I still hope for R but WW has been indecisive about whether she wants to try. How do I question her desires without sounding needy?

Thanks.


BS - 33
WW - 31
Kid - D 11
M - 12 yrs (07/04)
D-Days 9/4/2008, 2/4/2009

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Oklahoma
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can still lay out your concerns, preferences, and boundaries without begging, pleading, attacking, and so forth. Sort of a "I understand that this marriage is not what either of us has wanted. I'd prefer to work on this marriage, but you must cease having affairs for that to be possible. It's your choice as to how you follow through." Don't focus on her desires - focus on your needs. Once the OMs are out of the picture, then you can talk about how to rebuild the marriage. No sense in talking about finishing the basement when the house is on fire, eh? It just wastes time and enables the fire to grow.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, proof that the 180 is starting to work. I have been keeping contact with WS as minimal as possible - mostly text and e-mail. A quick hello/goodbye at kid drop-off.

This afternoon, WH responded to my e-mail about kid scheduling and said "you could be a little less formal, before I know it you will be calling me Mr. Mommyblonde." I know he can't stand it - he is looking for the usual emotional, irrational me and I am keeping our communication strictly business.

Now, I must stay focused and chugging along!

[This message edited by mommyblonde at 12:42 PM, June 30th (Tuesday)]


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
REALLY SAD
♀ Member
Member # 23030
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, July 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH and I have been separated (in the same house but him in in-law apartment downstairs which is totally self contained) since July 1st.

He claims that he gave 100% during the last 6 months after I discovered his 2 year affair (continuous contact by phone, text and email and at least 3 occasions early on of sex with OW) I think we had a month or two of real R in March and April but short-lived.

My Mom was involved in a serious car accident on Tuesday night so we have had a little more contact than we had, him wanting to know how my Mom was and if there was anything he could do etc. Also asked me if my family now knew about our situation as a result of this....all about him right???

I've been doing the 180 and have been fairly sucessful except for one instance where "I wanted to talk" (last Sunday) I cried, he was cool and business like. Afterwards I apologized for the tears and "making" him talk and told him it wouldn't happen again and even though he didn't say what I wanted to hear, it was probably what I needed. It was a bit of a turning point for me, I'd been moving forward and trying to come to terms with the situation and just trying to play the hand I've been dealt the best I can.
I've tried to be reasonable and cordial with him, it's really not in my nature to be anything but.

I ran into him in the driveway this morning on my way to work, he was dressed in shorts and golf shirt. He said good morning, I said good morning. I had the garage door open, I asked him if he needed in the garage or if I should close it, he asked me to leave it open, he needed his golf clubs. I said ok, got in my car and pulled out of the driveway. He was looking my way so I gave a small wave goodbye as did he.
I was on my way to work and he's on his way golfing for the second day in a row...clearly WH thinks he's on vacation!

Half an hour later I get this text message from WH: "Hi. You seemed to have a problem with me today. Was something wrong?"
I replied "??? Not sure, i'm fine"

He claims that the revelation of his heart not being in it 2 weeks ago has nothing to do with the OW or his affair (even though they were still in contact and still "friends") and that as of last week they are no longer even speaking to one another. I honestly believe he can rationalize to himself this way that he's not that bad. He thinks it makes me feel better to know that he and the OW are not and will not be together.In his mind, it has nothing to do with 2 year A and OW, he tried, can't do it, heart just isn't in it! He admitted that maybe he's going thru a mid life crisis at 36, all he wants to do is hang out with his buddies, drink beer, go golfing etc.

I was thinking of sending him an email asking him what he expected of me or the situation? The reality as I see it is that only a few weeks ago he told me that we were done so he doesn't want to be my husband anymore. I'm taking things day by day and coming to terms with the way things are and just trying to play the hand I was dealt the best that I can.

Thoughts/suggestions on the email? Anybody got any insight or advice? Also going to posted in Divorce/Separation.

Thanks!


Truth whether good, bad or ugly can be dealt with. Hope on the other hand can be devastating!

Me - BS (37)
Him - WS (36)
Together - October 1991
Married - September 2005
DDay#1 - 12/29/08
DDay #2 - 02/21/09
His heart just isn't in it -


Posts: 162 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Canada
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, July 18th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Really Sad)))

I'm sorry that your situation is continuing this way. You are correct that he's rationalising his behaviour. The quality of your marriage failed to live up to it's potential simply because he invested his effort elsewhere. The quality of marriage is simply a function of what is put in it. Him expecting the marriage to meets his needs in spite of his actions is the same thing as expecting a pay raise at his job if he were to surf the internet all day. It just doesn't work that way.

Of course he's running off to chase his fantasy. The life he's building is nothing more than a sand castle on the shores of life. It may be fun and look pretty, but it lacks a solid foundation and structural integrity. There's nothing the world loves more than to eat the sand castles of fools for breakfast.

He still seeks interaction with you. It appears that he's focusing on trying absolve his guilt by pretending to care. In addition it serves as an ego stroke as he can believe that you aren't going anywhere without him.

If you continue to play into his games, he'll be right.

The worst thing you can do is to do nothing. Your WH will see this as passive approval of what he's doing and it will embolden him to continue his behaviour. Let him run from reality, but let him deal with the consequences of his running. I would run with the "either commit to the marriage or we divorce" strategy. As long as he doesn't have any resistance to his current behaviour he has no need to change. Change your response and he will find that his trusted patterns no longer work.

Consult a lawyer and find out where you stand. This will give you the information you need to start planning your contingencies. You may not want to walk that road now, but it makes sense to have it paved beforehand. Consider emptying out half of the bank/retirement accounts. Cancel joint credit cards. Make sure your insurance/retirement information is all up to date. Change your beneficiary to your children in trust of a relative on that and any other accounts you have. Draw up a new will, change the power of attorney to someone trusted. Get together all bank statements, statements of income, proof of the affair, etc so that it's readily available for the lawyer.

Cut him off emotionally. This prevents him from getting positive or negative emotional needs met from you. This will give him a taste of the true impact his choices will create should he continue his course and also provide you with emotional detachment. Start learning stock phrases for how to close communication such as:
-"I'm sorry you feel that way."
-ďI respect your thoughts but I donít agree. I donít care to argue about this. I was just making an observation.Ē
-"Although I'd rather work on the marriage, I can see that ending it is a way to move forward."
-"I'd love to chat, but my pizza pocket it done. Ham n' cheese - my favourite. Bye."

The 180 isn't supposed to be a manipulation tactic magically designed to win your WH back - and when it's used that way it doesn't work. It's designed to help you become strong enough to detach and begin building a life without him. If you truly let go of your WH and move on - then (and probably only then) he might actually appreciate what he's lost. If you make empty threats, set boundaries you have no intention of defending, and only "pretend" to move on - your WH will continue to assume you aren't going anywhere. And he'll be right.

This isn't a game, this is your life. If you do the 180 for the purposes it was intended, you can't lose no matter the outcome.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
REALLY SAD
♀ Member
Member # 23030
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, July 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SerJr...thanks so much for your reply and your insight, what you said is everything that I know and everything I'm afraid to admit.

I don't know that I started the 180 with the the right intentions and with me and my healing in mind but that is what is happening. Everyday is getting easier as a result for me but at the same time I wonder if it is for him as well? As much as it helps me and allows me to detach myself does it work the same for him, I wonder if it's getting easier for him to adjust to life without me to a certain extent?

I'm not sure how to "quote" but the paragraph that you.
wrote about the quality of our marriage and what he put in vs. what he expected to get out hit home for me...oddly enough I never quite thought of it in terms quite that simple but it's dead on.

I have cut him off emotionally, I don't engage in any small talk whatsoever, I very rarely initiate contact with him and when he does with me I keep it as short as possible and courteous.

The financial separation is where I'm dragging my feet. We are still in the house, as separate as possible but still in the house. WH has a larger income than I do, not hugely larger but still larger so at this point it is still in my best interests financially for our situation to remain the same. I did contact the woman we've dealt with for years as far as our mortgage and I have some forms from her to complete to see what I qualify for on my own in terms of a mortgage to see if it's possible for me to buy him out and remain in the house.

Which is another issue...I was going back and forth about keeping house myself vs. a new start and then last conversation WH indicated that he might want to stay in the house. My back went up immediately. He then questioned whether I could afford it on my own and if I could look after it on my own...he pointed out that I had never cut the grass nor did I know how to start and use the lawn mower. We've been in our house for 9 years and have done a ton of improvements, just about everything is new, except for 1 bathroom which we were going to start remodelling ourselves in the Fall
Me and my taste and style is all over that house, I laboured over picking paint colours and the hardwood floors, I picked every plant and shrub when we were doing the landscaping etc. I know it's material stuff but the idea of WH living comfortably in the home that for the most part I created for us and the possibity that the OW or another OW might be in my home drives me crazy! I'm going to talk to IC about my feelings this week but I can't help it. I'm trying to separate my feelings for wanting the house vs my feelings for not wanting him to have it?

I'm going to start figuring out where we are financially as a couple and where I will be on my own...that's the real hard part for me, I guess because it makes it seem real. It's a step that I don't want to take and one that I never thought I would have to take.

Thanks for the ideas on the stock phrases too...I especially like the pizza pocket one

I read your profile and while it didn't provide me with much detail as to the specifics of your situation it certainly provided me with a lot of insight as to your views and your outlook. Wondering if you were always as optimistic as you seem to be or did the "unceremoniously hit by the bus" open your eyes and bring positive changes?

and how much further North than South?

Thanks again SerJr...your words were exactly what I needed and didn't want to hear


Truth whether good, bad or ugly can be dealt with. Hope on the other hand can be devastating!

Me - BS (37)
Him - WS (36)
Together - October 1991
Married - September 2005
DDay#1 - 12/29/08
DDay #2 - 02/21/09
His heart just isn't in it -


Posts: 162 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Canada
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The financial separation is where I'm dragging my feet.

This is where you want to start taking actions. Talk to your friend. Talk to the bank. Set up some budget simulations. Open a new bank account. Look at what you can do to advance your career. Think about how to cut costs and what options you have for the mortgage.

All of these are very logistical steps to take. But you know what? With every one you take you will build your sense of self empowerment and boost your confidence in yourself. You're doing great so far

WH indicated that he might want to stay in the house.

Explain to him that the house was a marital asset. As he left the marriage, you have first right to claim it unless he can provide you with an offer that is worth your time to consider. Tell him to contact your lawyer to discuss the issue further. Use wording very similar to that... this is strictly business now (that'll definitely not be the reaction he's counting on). And by referring to your lawyer, it takes away any chance he can get to engage you in an argument to make you out to be the villain.

he pointed out that I had never cut the grass

Tell him you already talked to a young Italian man about performing these types of services for you. (okay... yes I'm kidding here).

Wondering if you were always as optimistic as you seem to be

I've always looked for the best. It's the only way you can find it. It doesn't mean that I don't set up boundaries to protect what is important to me. Just that I control how I feel. Out of all of this I resolved that I didn't want to lose me. I like me.

and how much further North than South?

North enough to know we need another hockey team

[This message edited by SerJR at 1:31 PM, July 20th (Monday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
REALLY SAD
♀ Member
Member # 23030
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, July 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks SerJr again for great advice and perspective.

I'm greatful to have bumped into you here on SI. I hope you don't mind all my questions both past and future (count on there being more) but above all else you made me laugh not just a smile but an out loud laugh. Not so much the young Italian guy cause that's a really good idea but the hockey team


Truth whether good, bad or ugly can be dealt with. Hope on the other hand can be devastating!

Me - BS (37)
Him - WS (36)
Together - October 1991
Married - September 2005
DDay#1 - 12/29/08
DDay #2 - 02/21/09
His heart just isn't in it -


Posts: 162 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Canada
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, July 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never a problem. We're here to help.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wondering opinion one one aspect of the 180. Do you remain transparent or not even if WS is most of the time. I cannot wrap my head around this part of the 180.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, July 31st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking for help with 180 during R...

My WH is really stuck right now. I have laid down the law and made a series of statements about how I expect to be treated in our M and he is NOT interested in being controlled this way. He is a walking example of non-remorse right now and it's killing me. He has his heels dug in and he is ready to do battle with a whole host of passive-aggressive behaviors that he has been finely tuning over the years.

We have been in MC since D-day but I'm really starting to get exhausted. He knows that he has issues. We talk about them. But he cannot bring himself to stop doing the same dysfunctional crap over and over.

A couple issues I have with WH that are making it so I am ready to bail on R:

-failure to live up to agreements. He both does things he said he would NOT do, and doesn't do things he said he WOULD do. I'm losing self respect every time I hear him make an agreement and I believe what he says. He lies about his true intentions, basically.

-withholding himself from me in terms of time and affection, but being charming and available for others. I view this as a sort of diffuse emotional affair with the rest of his social circle. It's not limited to one person or even one gender, but the net effect is that I feel rejected and replaced by others who are more important, or more interesting, or whatever, than me. I feel in competition for his affection and it is making me really really angry.

-blame shifting and angry defensiveness when I try to bring up my needs. It's my fault he doesn't do XYZ, because I did ABC. If I would just stop doing ABC (or DEF, or GHI, ad nauseum), THEN he would be able to do XYZ, so quit complaining!

There's more but those are the ones that are burning me up right now.

Lately I have felt myself just turn cold. I don't want to be around him. I don't want him to touch me. I feel cut off emotionally. Strangely, I feel better. I have stopped crying and pleading with him to try to get him to "be there" for me.

I have decided that I need to take matters into my own hands and just stop looking for him to meet any of my needs. I need to start acting as I would if I were off on my own without someone to lean on.

How do I do this and still leave space for us to reconnect emotionally when he decides to unroot his heels from the earth? I feel like every time I try to open up to him and make myself vulnerable, I get stomped on or disappointed and it just hurts so much. I can't do it any more. But I don't want to drive him away either.

Advice is dearly needed and much appreciated!

kk


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1002 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, July 31st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's really showing you a lack of respect. No wonder part of you wants to leave and canít stand being treated this way. Youíre not supposed to just passively accept this kind of behavior. Thatís not helping you or the situation.

First of all, I recommend you make an appointment with an attorney to find out your rights if you should decide you want a separation. It doesnít mean you want a divorce. It means you need to know your legal rights should you decide that separation is the best to get his attention by making a clear statement you wonít continue to tolerate such an unsatisfying marriage.

You also need to decide what your bottom line requirements are for R and for a marriage. Communicate this very clearly and assertively with him. Say something to the effect of "I love you, but I also respect myself and our marriage, and as such I can't allow you to continue to treat me this way. Here is what I require of you and it's your choice to follow through or not. If you continue this behaviour I will have to re-evaluate my desire to stay in this relationship. I'm giving you a chance, but I can't do your part for you." Hopefully he'll rise to the challenge, but if not, then you'll want to follow up with the 180. If he lips back to you with some smartass comment, simply reply back with "ďI respect your thoughts but I donít agree. I want to see changed behaviour over the long term. I donít care to argue about this."


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
imtrying
♀ Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, August 6th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbroken -- how are you?

I must tell you that your post made my heart feel cold and sore, and I got that stomach ache I get from anxiety.

You describe in your listed observations EXACTLY what my (now X)partner started doing again in April, and it got worse and worse until we hit July and he started a new job and it was the year antiversary of our first D-Day, and I got depressed, and these behaviors you described suddenly accelerated so fast that he went into orbit.

Each and every one you describe.

It makes me so sad to read because I really didn't get it, didn't see it, or piece it together until he was too far gone, and I had to save myself by asking him to leave. It is scary to realize how blind I was.

How do I do this and still leave space for us to reconnect emotionally...? I feel like every time I try to open up to him and make myself vulnerable, I get stomped on or disappointed and it just hurts so much. I can't do it any more. But I don't want to drive him away either.

He has driven himself away, no? You are there, dealing with his coldness and the ways that he is withdrawing his time, attention, and affection from you. And yes, you need to pull back, protect yourself, and let him do his thing.

Is there anything you can do to stop him when he is like this?

If so, let me know! I tried everything. Crying, pleading, reasoning, anger, laughing, sex and more sex, trying to enter into his crazy escape world with him, offering help, telling him how incredibly serious this is, showing him emails from a year ago that are just exactly the same as now, sending him links and printing out things for him to read, using extortion (not giving him money) to get him to see reason by making him go to an SA meeting, buying him gifts, treating him like a king.

If I've missed one that works let me know. You know what I'm saying I'm sure. We can't change them. We can only change and protect ourselves.

If I kept putting up with his behavior, I realized I was making myself sick AND giving him unspoken approval to keep being a jerk. Who benefits?

If he realizes what he's done, some day, and gets help, and we end up reconnecting, I will be dancing on the roof, but meanwhile, I've got to survive.

I wrote these rules - my version of 180. They are easier for me to remember and I simply plug any behavior I'm about to do into these rules and see if it is a violation.


1. I will protect myself from manipulation and exploitation.

2. I will preserve my time and resources for my own betterment, and the betterment of those in my life who nourish me.

3. I will listen and see with my ears and eyes, not my heart.

4. I will protect my emotional vulnerabilities from exposure to those who cannot respect them.


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm ok. It's been rough lately.

One thing I saw somewhere that has totally helped...

If you keep trying to drink from an empty cup, it makes no sense to get angry at the cup.

So I've been telling myself all day "Don't try to drink from an empty cup" whenever I think of asking WH for something. He's not going to give it, so why drive myself crazy?

It's helping a LOT

kk


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1002 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, August 10th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


heartbroken-kk
How do I do this and still leave space for us to reconnect emotionally when he decides to unroot his heels from the earth? I feel like every time I try to open up to him and make myself vulnerable, I get stomped on or disappointed and it just hurts so much. I can't do it any more. But I don't want to drive him away either.

This has been what's been driving me crazy for months. My wh acts exactly like yours and this is the question I am having trouble answering... Why? Why want to stay with someone who has so little respect for me that he can't do what I need him to do? After 14 months of false promises, pick and choose, false R, I'll do this, but not that; I have pretty decided this is it. I have already moved out, next step is filing.
What's sad, I could probably eventually wrap my head around the cheating, but this angry, entitled attitude? I can't bear it....

[This message edited by leapyearbaby at 10:09 PM, August 10th (Monday)]


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
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