No cell phone. So no texts or calls.
Just email. I've been out of the country less than 24 hours and guess who emails me?
"When dealing with a cake-eater you close the bakery" - Catwoman
Was it Santa?
Um, no.... maybe I haven't been 'nice' enough to sit on Santa's lap and eat candy.
But I'm going to be a very good girl for the next few days and with any luck he will visit me on Xmas eve.
I've been strong and ignored the email. I told him he could email me if the house was on fire; asking how my flight was, telling me about his big pay due + paying bills and checking in to see if daughter's cell phone is working in another country is not a catastrophe requiring contatct... IMHO.
I'm at the beach, it's summer, we have a big extended family party today... emailing him is not even on my to do list.
when my WW revealed to me that she had been having an affair, just a week ago, i was very calm. there has been very little screaming at all, really.
but my foggy WS is still very much in the "demonizing me" stage. a stage where she has rewrote history and convinced herself that i am to blame for the marriage being terrible. funny thing is, i don't remember it being that terrible. in fact, part of the reason she did finally confess to me that she was having an A was because i was being sweet to her, and she felt too guilty.
being a little foggy myself, i have all but accepted blame for the marriage, and she has successfully villianized me to this point. our families, as well as most of our friends are largely religious, so obviously this is hugely weighing in on her guilt, as what she did will be frowned upon by all, and she knows that they will change the perception of her.
this is where the question comes along, and it is very eerily similar to others questions: if her whole "reason" for the affair is that i did not give her enough attention, won't the 180 push her away for good?
180 has nothing to do with winning them back, or pushing them away - it's a technique to reclaim yourself, to take ownership of your life and not be needy or dependant on your WS.
For me it's about healing myself and getting busy with my own life.
She didn't have an affair because you weren't giving her enough attention, that's blameshifting her shitty choices onto you. Don't take any responsibility for the affair or let her tell you it's your fault. She decided to do that, you didn't make her in any way shape or form.
Good luck with the 180!!
And have fun! Go buy yourself a Xmas gift, from you to you. That's completly 180!
it's all about James Hunter, now ;)
And here's the 180 link:
I'm 2 weeks into 180 and have results already!
Hey., Star, how did your weekend go? Things still looking up for you? Glad the 180's doing it's thing!
Back to YOU though! Are you now in Australia, or in NewZealand, or somewhere even more exotic.
Come, give us a travel brochure, won't you?!
So, WSO has been really remorseful. He has been very attentive to me and our DD, he has been taking care of things around the house that he probably hasn't done in at least a year. He spent the weekend with us hanging out and doing things.
He has been staying in the guest bedroom for a week now. I didn't really think through what it would be like. That we would be together 24/7. We are together more now than we have been in the past couple of years. Just hanging out as a family. It feels so much different than before D Day. We were so distant and he was angry a lot and we never did ANYTHING together. He didn't help out. Things are really changing. What I'm not sure of is if it will last... But, I guess I won't know that for sure.
I have been doing the 180, not really on purpose. But, when I read through it, that's how I'm living my life right now. There is one exception that I noticed. #11. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
I do not feel I am being needy or pathetic, but I am really hurting at times and I can't hide that from him. He has been very understanding and listens to me or holds me and says how sorry he is.
DDay #2- 11/26/08
Are you now in Australia, or in New Zealand
I live in Australia, but am from New Zealand, so am here with my family for Xmas. My parents live at the beach, so am surrounded with the beach and incredible views. I can see the Pacific Ocean as I type out these words!!
It should be idylic... but am struggling today. Using all my restraint to not turn on my cell and tell him how deeply I miss him and my heart aches to be with him. How hurt and wounded I feel, that the pain of betrayal and rejection brings tears to my eyes. But I'm 180 on his ass, so the thoughts stay in my head and my cell phone stays off.
As you know I'm out of the country, WS still with Ow, separated for 2 1/2 months.
Since separating WS and I have been in very regular contact, talking every day except 3 - about the kid, finances, us... blah blah.
My therapist tells me I'm way too available and have enabled him to cake eat.
So the 180 is about stopping that for me and getting on with being me.
So he keeps emailing me since I've been away - about the kid, phones, finances... then today I get a Merry Christmas and here is a link to a Pixies song to download.
I told him to email me if the house was on fire! The house isn't on fire.
He knows I love the Pixies... it's like he is tossing me crumbs to see if I'll bite, or he can't let go... it's really hard to know what to do.
Do I stay NC except for the kid? Do I thank him for the song?
All I want for Xmas is for him to pull his stupid head out of his ass and want to R, instead I get a fucking song?
1) Sending you some cutesy song.
2) Living with OW.
Which one speaks louder to you about his intentions?
For some thoughts on how to deal with it take a read through this article here:
Now it is a bit difficult to say... but there are a few WS's that stay with the OP because they feel they have no choice as the BS pushed them away. That's why it's important to plant the flag in the ground once, that you would prefer to make the marriage work, but you respect both it and yourself and won't sit idly by if it continues... you'll give him a chance but won't do his part. After that... the follow-through is all up to him. If he doesn't take the steps necessary to improve his emotional balance and the health of your marriage, then further contact does enable him by shielding the consequences.
Reach out with one hand:
-Make your home, yourself, and marriage inviting/attractive.
-Show self improvement in areas that could use work.
-Communicate calmly and act self assured.
-Offer forgiveness and understanding (but not blindly).
-Avoid any harmful communication, bad habits, or behaviours.
Assert with the other:
-Don't accept the blame for their choice.
-Expose the affair.
-Protect the assets of the marriage.
-Do not shield them from the consequences of their actions.
-Lay out the boundaries and consequences.
It will get easier with more and more 'practice'. As you master your thoughts you will gain control of your feelings. Sometimes, it's just a matter of 'do it' and the 'getting it' will soon follow as you step further and further out of the hurt. Once you 'get it' you don't even have to think about it.
This also helps my self esteem and my self worth and belive in myself. It also helps me to empower myself.
That's the key right there
Merry Christmas to all of you!