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User Topic: 180 Support
caribou
♀ Member
Member # 21852
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, December 18th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so 180 I have left the country... I'm now NC!

No cell phone. So no texts or calls.

Just email. I've been out of the country less than 24 hours and guess who emails me?


Me- BS 40 yrs
D-Day 29 Sept 08

"When dealing with a cake-eater you close the bakery" - Catwoman


Posts: 481 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Melbourne, Australia
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, December 19th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was it Santa?


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, December 19th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok, I need to join the 180 until WH realizes that R is non-existent until he tells me the whole story. He is long distance, but we really bonded before I discovered more lies. It's only been a few hours since I texted him I didn't want to hear from him until he comes clean, and I already miss him and ache for him to call me! So I need support to stick to my word!


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
caribou
♀ Member
Member # 21852
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, December 19th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was it Santa?

Um, no.... maybe I haven't been 'nice' enough to sit on Santa's lap and eat candy.

But I'm going to be a very good girl for the next few days and with any luck he will visit me on Xmas eve.

I've been strong and ignored the email. I told him he could email me if the house was on fire; asking how my flight was, telling me about his big pay due + paying bills and checking in to see if daughter's cell phone is working in another country is not a catastrophe requiring contatct... IMHO.

I'm at the beach, it's summer, we have a big extended family party today... emailing him is not even on my to do list.


Me- BS 40 yrs
D-Day 29 Sept 08

"When dealing with a cake-eater you close the bakery" - Catwoman


Posts: 481 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Melbourne, Australia
acslater
♂ New Member
Member # 22099
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, December 21st (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am firmly now square in the 180 camp.

when my WW revealed to me that she had been having an affair, just a week ago, i was very calm. there has been very little screaming at all, really.

but my foggy WS is still very much in the "demonizing me" stage. a stage where she has rewrote history and convinced herself that i am to blame for the marriage being terrible. funny thing is, i don't remember it being that terrible. in fact, part of the reason she did finally confess to me that she was having an A was because i was being sweet to her, and she felt too guilty.

being a little foggy myself, i have all but accepted blame for the marriage, and she has successfully villianized me to this point. our families, as well as most of our friends are largely religious, so obviously this is hugely weighing in on her guilt, as what she did will be frowned upon by all, and she knows that they will change the perception of her.

this is where the question comes along, and it is very eerily similar to others questions: if her whole "reason" for the affair is that i did not give her enough attention, won't the 180 push her away for good?



Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2008
caribou
♀ Member
Member # 21852
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, December 22nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi acs, welcome to the 180 camp!

180 has nothing to do with winning them back, or pushing them away - it's a technique to reclaim yourself, to take ownership of your life and not be needy or dependant on your WS.

For me it's about healing myself and getting busy with my own life.

She didn't have an affair because you weren't giving her enough attention, that's blameshifting her shitty choices onto you. Don't take any responsibility for the affair or let her tell you it's your fault. She decided to do that, you didn't make her in any way shape or form.

Good luck with the 180!!

And have fun! Go buy yourself a Xmas gift, from you to you. That's completly 180!


Me- BS 40 yrs
D-Day 29 Sept 08

"When dealing with a cake-eater you close the bakery" - Catwoman


Posts: 481 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Melbourne, Australia
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 1:55 AM, December 22nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you, Career Lady! This must be so hard, especially at this time of year. But you are giving yourself the best gift ever - the truth!! Hang in there. See if you can set up certain things each day to "save" you (phone call to a buddy; im'ing with a friend int he know; a spa visit if you like that sort of thing).

Warmly

US


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, December 22nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 2 weeks into 180 and have results already!

Hey., Star, how did your weekend go? Things still looking up for you? Glad the 180's doing it's thing!

Warmly

US


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, December 22nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Caribou, I am *sO* jealous. The snow is literally 1/3 up the door here. And, my favorit cat is missing and all WH can say is that it is the boys' fault (they weren't even home when kitty went missing - the painters were, however :(

Back to YOU though! Are you now in Australia, or in NewZealand, or somewhere even more exotic.

Come, give us a travel brochure, won't you?!

Warmly

US


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
SoLost_32
♀ Member
Member # 21892
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, December 22nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wrote this topic in JFO but I thought I'd also like to write in here.

So, WSO has been really remorseful. He has been very attentive to me and our DD, he has been taking care of things around the house that he probably hasn't done in at least a year. He spent the weekend with us hanging out and doing things.
He has been staying in the guest bedroom for a week now. I didn't really think through what it would be like. That we would be together 24/7. We are together more now than we have been in the past couple of years. Just hanging out as a family. It feels so much different than before D Day. We were so distant and he was angry a lot and we never did ANYTHING together. He didn't help out. Things are really changing. What I'm not sure of is if it will last... But, I guess I won't know that for sure.

I have been doing the 180, not really on purpose. But, when I read through it, that's how I'm living my life right now. There is one exception that I noticed. #11. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

I do not feel I am being needy or pathetic, but I am really hurting at times and I can't hide that from him. He has been very understanding and listens to me or holds me and says how sorry he is.


Me- 32(BSO)
Him-28(WSO)
DD- 2

DDay#1- 5/08
DDay #2- 11/26/08


Posts: 62 | Registered: Dec 2008
caribou
♀ Member
Member # 21852
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, December 22nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you now in Australia, or in New Zealand

I live in Australia, but am from New Zealand, so am here with my family for Xmas. My parents live at the beach, so am surrounded with the beach and incredible views. I can see the Pacific Ocean as I type out these words!!

It should be idylic... but am struggling today. Using all my restraint to not turn on my cell and tell him how deeply I miss him and my heart aches to be with him. How hurt and wounded I feel, that the pain of betrayal and rejection brings tears to my eyes. But I'm 180 on his ass, so the thoughts stay in my head and my cell phone stays off.


Me- BS 40 yrs
D-Day 29 Sept 08

"When dealing with a cake-eater you close the bakery" - Catwoman


Posts: 481 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Melbourne, Australia
caribou
♀ Member
Member # 21852
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, December 22nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you now in Australia, or in New Zealand

I live in Australia, but am from New Zealand, so am here with my family for Xmas. My parents live at the beach, so am surrounded with the beach and incredible views. I can see the Pacific Ocean as I type out these words!!

It should be idylic... but am struggling today. Using all my restraint to not turn on my cell and tell him how deeply I miss him and my heart aches to be with him. How hurt and wounded I feel, that the pain of betrayal and rejection brings tears to my eyes. But I'm 180 on his ass, so the thoughts stay in my head and my cell phone stays off.


Me- BS 40 yrs
D-Day 29 Sept 08

"When dealing with a cake-eater you close the bakery" - Catwoman


Posts: 481 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Melbourne, Australia
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, December 22nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Say "hi" to KiwiJ if you see her


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
caribou
♀ Member
Member # 21852
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, December 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so I need a little SI advice - or a 2x4.

As you know I'm out of the country, WS still with Ow, separated for 2 1/2 months.

Since separating WS and I have been in very regular contact, talking every day except 3 - about the kid, finances, us... blah blah.

My therapist tells me I'm way too available and have enabled him to cake eat.

So the 180 is about stopping that for me and getting on with being me.

So he keeps emailing me since I've been away - about the kid, phones, finances... then today I get a Merry Christmas and here is a link to a Pixies song to download.

WTF?

I told him to email me if the house was on fire! The house isn't on fire.

He knows I love the Pixies... it's like he is tossing me crumbs to see if I'll bite, or he can't let go... it's really hard to know what to do.

Do I stay NC except for the kid? Do I thank him for the song?

All I want for Xmas is for him to pull his stupid head out of his ass and want to R, instead I get a fucking song?


Me- BS 40 yrs
D-Day 29 Sept 08

"When dealing with a cake-eater you close the bakery" - Catwoman


Posts: 481 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Melbourne, Australia
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, December 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

caribou, it sounds like you already know what to do. Let's consider the two actions he's taking:

1) Sending you some cutesy song.
2) Living with OW.

Which one speaks louder to you about his intentions?

For some thoughts on how to deal with it take a read through this article here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/divorce/no_contact.asp

Now it is a bit difficult to say... but there are a few WS's that stay with the OP because they feel they have no choice as the BS pushed them away. That's why it's important to plant the flag in the ground once, that you would prefer to make the marriage work, but you respect both it and yourself and won't sit idly by if it continues... you'll give him a chance but won't do his part. After that... the follow-through is all up to him. If he doesn't take the steps necessary to improve his emotional balance and the health of your marriage, then further contact does enable him by shielding the consequences.

Remember:

Reach out with one hand:
-Make your home, yourself, and marriage inviting/attractive.
-Show self improvement in areas that could use work.
-Communicate calmly and act self assured.
-Offer forgiveness and understanding (but not blindly).
-Avoid any harmful communication, bad habits, or behaviours.

Assert with the other:
-Don't accept the blame for their choice.
-Expose the affair.
-Protect the assets of the marriage.
-Do not shield them from the consequences of their actions.
-Lay out the boundaries and consequences.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Iwillsurvive1
♀ Member
Member # 20737
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, December 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I must say that I've started to try the 180 from yesterday but its so hard for me...I may have broken it already but I know it is better than showing how much this is killing me and I want him so badly...


Me:40. Divorced Sept. 2012
WS:57
M:4.7 yrs
DD: May 08
Jan 09
Status: Separated, I moved out

Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2008
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, December 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwillsurvive,

It will get easier with more and more 'practice'. As you master your thoughts you will gain control of your feelings. Sometimes, it's just a matter of 'do it' and the 'getting it' will soon follow as you step further and further out of the hurt. Once you 'get it' you don't even have to think about it.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
kjhurt
♀ New Member
Member # 21464
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, December 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merry Christmas!!! I use this to heal and not needed my H much! This also helps my self esteem and my self worth and belive in myself. It also helps me to empower myself. I still struggle but I am healing after being married for 27 years.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Oct 2008
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, December 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This also helps my self esteem and my self worth and belive in myself. It also helps me to empower myself.

That's the key right there


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
tangledweb
♀ New Member
Member # 20699
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, December 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoooooaaaaahh... tough day to stick with 180! I keep grabbing for the phone, but I know better! Be strong, be strong, be strong!

Merry Christmas to all of you!


I'm going to keep posting until I learn to start taking my own advice!


Posts: 49 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: USA
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