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User Topic: 180 Support
SI Staff
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Member # 10
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, October 5th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Support for people doing the 180 or those who need help understanding what the 180 is and how it is used.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, October 5th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a great idea

Here's the link:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

[This message edited by SerJR at 9:11 PM, October 21st (Tuesday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
kynurse87
♀ New Member
Member # 21131
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, October 5th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is a great idea. I have recently started the 180 and NC with my WH. Wish I had found this site and all the information sooner. 1st Dday anniversary coming up next month. I will take all the advice and support I can get!!!


M: 18yrs.
2 children

Posts: 28 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: KY
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, October 5th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, thank you!

This is (will be) such a great thread :)

can anyone share how they used the 180 to heal thenmselves rather than punish WS or force WS to capitulate?

I must be reading the posted 180 wrong, b/c it seems manipulative to me.

I "get" the idea of healing myself. I am afraid by focussing on me instead of the marriage that I will do what I always do - protect myself and develop an escape plan.

Suggestions for me in implementing the 180?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, October 5th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's a few suggestions for self care

1) Whatever you focus your mind on becomes real, eventually taking over your awareness. Therefore we make efforts to “change our mind”: from pain over to relaxation; from guilt and blame to self-acceptance and gentleness; from fear of the future to being in the present. Accept yourself – treasure your idiosyncrasies and foibles. Remind yourself of your strengths, gifts and your proven loyalty to yourself over the years, on a daily basis.

2) Simplify: during more stressful and low energy times, keep life simple, attending to say 5 or so activities per day.

3) Keep occupied as much as possible – make a schedule with exercise in it, stay in contact with friends, make new acquaintances / friends, list things you can do. Know that to begin anything is often better than to think. So keep busy while waiting for something to happen.

4) Now is the only time there is. Don’t spend too much time dwelling on the negatives of the past or the perceived problems in the future. Likely these perceptions re past and future are false or distorted. Come back to the present constantly.

5) Keep one focus, not 4 or 5. Do one activity at a time, and engage in it, enjoy it – rather than becoming anxious re everything you have to do. (Keep lists so you can let go of outstanding things).

6) Make sure of good sleep habits, diet, and exercise.

7) Forgive yourself daily and relax. If unfinished activities pile up, it is not that you are slow, lazy or stupid. You are likely expecting too much at that particular moment. Stick to 2 or 3 priorities – shelve the rest.

8) Make use of thought-stopping. Order negative thoughts to go away or put them aside.

9) Stop once per day and ask yourself “What do I need right now. What can I do for myself today to help me.”

10) Don’t be a victim. Do things for yourself to feel effective and in control. Don’t give in to self-pity.

11) Remember what has worked for you in the past. Likely beneath all the doubts, fears, recriminations, and self-criticism that are swirling around your head, you hear a few faint and muffled words of your own good advice telling you what is good for you. This counsel may be barely audible, but listen carefully to it. You already have everything you need to be happy, including the wisdom you have developed over your life so far.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, October 5th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ser,

What a great post. Full of wisdom for the new hurting ones.
#11 is speaking to me today. Thanks for the reminder.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7619 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, October 5th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, great idea for a thread.
Ser, you had some good insight there.
Thank you.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) Whatever you focus your mind on becomes real, eventually taking over your awareness. Therefore we make efforts to “change our mind”: from pain over to relaxation; from guilt and blame to self-acceptance and gentleness; from fear of the future to being in the present. Accept yourself – treasure your idiosyncrasies and foibles. Remind yourself of your strengths, gifts and your proven loyalty to yourself over the years, on a daily basis.

This is really resonating for me tonight. I have never been a "good" journal writer. Always felt too self conscious and odd writing down about me, seemed selfish.

However, my mind is in such a swirl all the time now, I can imagine a journal as a workbook (with me the work in progress). I could use it to figure out issues like the #1 as SerJr posted above.

warmly,


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also wanted to add this in. The original post can be found in:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785


The 180 is often open to mis-interpretation. It is pretty easy to get lost in the details and lose sight of the underlying concept.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Fundamentally, it is all about personal empowerment and rebuilding your self esteem. It is not about manipulating your spouse and when this is not understood it interferes with the results. The goal of the 180 is to become the type of person that you want to be. Here's what I understand to be the fundamental basis for it:

1) Master your thoughts.

Ultimately, you determine what thoughts you give attention to and those thoughts will set into motion the dynamics that will affect you. If you tend to focus on the negative you increase the probability that you will become your own worst enemy. It is important to realise how your thoughts create your expectations of the future. By increasing your positive focus you will increase the chances of bringing in positive energy to your life. This does not mean that you’re being unrealistic or naive. It simply means that you are choosing to focus your thoughts and energy on success instead of failure and on the good parts of your life instead of the bad. You want to cultivate the thoughts that you want to have through positive affirmation.

2) Adjust your attitude.

Our attitudes determine our thoughts which translate into intentions which leads to actions. We can be very realistic about the challenges we face, but still form the inner resolve to focus on our belief that we can overcome obstacles and bounce back from adversity. To do so takes belief and patience with ourselves, sustained motivation and energy, accepting our personal responsibility, and willingness to perservere. If your attitude is peaceful and positive then you are in the best position to have the focus and energy available to find solutions. Grace under pressure displays your courage and fortitude even when you are fearful and anxious.

3) Practice acceptance.

Acceptance is something to do for yourself when you are ready to let go of the anger. When we can't accept the situation, we have less energy to spend on the present because we are holding on to bitterness about the past. Acceptance does not mean condoning what has been done or passively enduring mistreatment. It means that you are ready to move forward unencumbered by bitterness or anger. Please refer to sidenote below regarding the topic of forgiveness vs. acceptance.

4) Look for the lesson.

Experiences can lead us to new growth, understanding, and maturity. It is important for us to examine and redefine these experiences to be able to discover and access our hidden strengths and resources that we didn't know we have and learn about ourselves.

5) Continue to nurture yourself.

Make a commitment to continue to nurture yourself so that your energy and vitality will remain high. You are not being selfish to honour your needs, but are providing new growth and fresh perspective.

6) Examine your character.

As humans we all have strengths and weaknesses. It is important to be able to do an honest self appraisal so that we can be real about ourselves. We are all responsible for our character, qualities, and actions and for the effects that they have. As conscious beings, we are also able to acquire those qualities that we desire and it is up to us to use them beneficiently.

So there you have it. My personal understanding of the conceptual basis of the 180. The above represents a strategy to take with our lives, and the 180 list provides us with the tactics. Keep the strategy and end goal in mind at all times and alter the tactics as necessary.


Sidenote:
It's a fairly common topic that comes up here - Forgiveness vs. Acceptance. The reason for that is that they mean different things to different people.

To some forgiveness involves absolving the offender of the offense and releasing them from any obligation and blame - essentially seeing that person as if the offense had never occurred. It involves the offender asking to be forgiven and first demonstrating an awareness of how inconsiderate the act was and how much pain his or her spouse was made to suffer. It also involves the offender expressing some plan to assure the forgiver that steps have been taken to avoid the painful act in the future and that he or she is willing to make reasonable amends. Some see this as a transaction between two people.

This is where the definition of judgement comes in. The phrase "passing judgement" implies condemnation or approval of a person's choices and actions and holds us in the past. However, it is vital to "use our judgement" or objective reasoning to protect ourselves in the future from enduring mistreatment. Clearly, in the case of an unremorseful wayward spouse continuing to mistreat you to apply the above definition of forgiveness would a serious lapse in judgement.

So... in this case one works towards acceptance (in the sense that I used in the original post). This occurs when one recognises that the situation exists, realises that elements of it cannot be changed, but most importantly makes an effort to move on from there (which some don't include in their definition of acceptance). It implies that one may still use their judgement and learns from the past, but is not letting those negative emotions rule them by living in the past and is focusing on the future instead.

Neither definition is more valid then the other, but the important point is the willingness to not be ruled by the past, even though we may have learned from it.

Fundamentally, I think this issue boils down to control. Whenever one is hurt, it is always from a lack of control in some aspect. When one realises that one cannot control the choices of others or the circumstances they will face, and only control their own personal choices and how they react to those circumstances, it fosters a positive, constructive, and realistic sense of personal empowerment and responsibility that allows one to move forward.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

4) Look for the lesson.

Experiences can lead us to new growth, understanding, and maturity. It is important for us to examine and redefine these experiences to be able to discover and access our hidden strengths and resources that we didn't know we have and learn about ourselves.


Thank you, SerJR, I have been mulling this concept a lot lately.

I am wondering if I am being hit with the same lesson over and over (in somewhat different ways), until i learn to rely only on myself.

I think that in some ways I prefer to be an old fashion wife (stay at home, etc), and that I need to be mired in my career with only me as the retirement provider to ever be secure in a marriage or myself.

This is sad b/c I am pretty sure that although my WS is attracted by the idea of "the powerful woman" he met 9 years ago, the reality is when I finish my phd and am professionally employed (necessitating relocation to a rural area and he is a confirmed city boy who - except for two years in college and two in military has never left his birth city), that my long hours and days (a given they will be 10 -11 a day, six days a week), will be exactly the excuse he needs to find "a new friend."

His talk about "organizing my stamp collection" or "reading" or 'writing a book' have beem exposed as untrue. Last year he fell and had to have knee surgery. He was suppsoed to be off work for four months. He sat at home angry for about 4 weeks and went back to work - and his affair.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, October 8th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for all the wonderful insight JR. It is a positive way to live your life, a life that I used to live and want to have back.

I also feel that I am constantly working on the same lesson or is it that my H is controlling and won't stop until I give in??? I just don't know anymore. : ( I have tried to do the 180 about a year ago. My H wouldn't stop speaking to the OW so the kids and I left. We bought a great house in a great community. My H has shown that he can be a wonderful man but is still very pushy and controlling. Now he wants me to move back to the place that he destroyed our lives. I keep saying no to that area and county, the OW likes to drive by my house and know everything that we are doing. Yuck.

On a more positive note - I am working on myself, I am gearing up to take classes for my teaching certificate in January ( I only have 10 classes to go -YAY). I am thrilled at going back to school.

I feel that some things in my life are coming back into focus. I am grateful for that.


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, October 8th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On a more positive note - I am working on myself, I am gearing up to take classes for my teaching certificate in January ( I only have 10 classes to go -YAY). I am thrilled at going back to school.

Hurray! This is a wonderful step. And, so is buying your own house in a supportive environment. If he loves you all so much, let him move to you - either in house, or renting near by.

What a great model you are for your children :)

Thank you for sharing :)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, October 9th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the encourangement. I really need it.

My H and I have had terrible arguements all day yesterday. He doesn't want to move into my house b/c it is too far away from the farm that we own and he works. I am sticking to my guns on this. I don't need to move back into the mess that he created with the OW.

Thanks again.


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, October 21st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for this...I am getting back on the 180 diet since my last D Day last week and my subsequent fall from the 180 this past weekend. I don't think he cares whether I ever talk to him again which really bothers me but I guess I need to keep on this 180 thing..and it can't hurt..It's the only thing that I haven't consistently tried.. Any advice on how to walk around the house while trying to ignore him, pretend he doesn't exist and be happy about it?
THX


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
Grinder
♀ Member
Member # 21322
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, October 21st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO I don't think you have to ignore him or pretend he doesn't exist.
I have only been on the strict 180 since Sat! but I have found that a small smile as I pass him in the hall (like a stranger on the street?) helps make me less uncomfortable.
I do not ignore: yes/no or very brief answers delivered pleasantly/politely are easy.
Nor do I offer or volunteer ANYTHING.
So far these have helped me stay focused on ME and not my anger and sadness.
That I have been spilling into a journal. It helps stop the reeling.


"Midway upon the journey of life, I found myself within a forest dark For the straightforward path had been lost" Dante

Posts: 105 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Valley of the Sun
Grinder
♀ Member
Member # 21322
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, October 21st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I pursue staying 180 and at the same time demand disclosure, transparency, N/C verification?
Or do I wait for opportunity to gather evidence of no N/C?
Having trouble working this one out!


"Midway upon the journey of life, I found myself within a forest dark For the straightforward path had been lost" Dante

Posts: 105 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Valley of the Sun
pcisconfused
♀ Member
Member # 19583
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, October 22nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you do the 180 when your MC says to "date". Also my WS is the type of person who has to have lots of attention so how does the 180 fit into that when you are supposed to be trying to R. Does anyone have any ideas?


BW (43)
WS (44)
together 14 years
4 kids together
Separated but seeing Counsellor to see if we can R

Posts: 73 | Registered: May 2008
KJac
♀ Member
Member # 21332
DOH!  Posted: 9:00 AM, October 22nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay - so I'm really going to do the 180 today (I am just going to focus on today). Instead of sitting here waiting for him to call me (or not call me) I realize I am using all my energy to focus on him once again. It's like I just finally realized that all my actions (or lack of action - can't concentrate, etc.) and my feelings are centered around him and his actions and feelings. I NEED to take my power back! I am giving him all the power!

So, I am going to get in the shower, go to the coffee shop in town that my friend owns and do some homework (finishing my bach degree) instead of sitting here, feeling sorry for myself, wallowing in my pain, and waiting for him to let me know how I should be feeling today (i.e. will he call and what will be his mood). Wish me luck!


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 250 | Registered: Oct 2008
KJac
♀ Member
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, October 22nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think (and clearly I'm no expert here) that you can do the 180 whether you're trying to R or not. I actually think that the 180 is good for R. I think you need to concentrate on a healthy you in order to be able to R. There is definitely a time for getting answers and demanding N/C but one shouldn't be consumed with it. Dating is a good idea for some, and it generally goes much better when we're not playing games but working on ourselves (not the other person). Just my opinion, of course.


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 250 | Registered: Oct 2008
pcisconfused
♀ Member
Member # 19583
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, October 22nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks KJac. I no longer call him unless its about the kids and I no longer IM him during the day like I used to. My thoughts are becoming less and less about him and this whole situation. I guess in my situation that is how the 180 is to work. I am working on me in IC and am beginning to think that I really don't want WH back....guess we will have to discuss this in our next MC session.


BW (43)
WS (44)
together 14 years
4 kids together
Separated but seeing Counsellor to see if we can R

Posts: 73 | Registered: May 2008
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