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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I I I
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, November 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostS,

I asked about the treatment because I've seen some incredible results with short-term cognitive behavioral therapy for depression in combination with anti-depressants or even withtout them.

It's a 6-12 week course of therapy aimed at getting to the roots of the beliefs that cause you to be depressed and changing them. I've watched it completely transform people. There is tons of empirical evidence to back up that it is one talk therapy that really works for depression and works fast.

Something to think about.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, November 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((lostsuol))))

How are you doing today, friend?

You have been on my thoughts this week and I have been looking out for you. Thanks for checking in.

What do you think about BT's suggestion?

****
Dday#2 antiversary is almost over and apart from a little meltdown in the supermarket, I am relatively intact. Hmmm....<suprised>

Thank you for the encouragement, BT.
I AM more than all this LTA crap.

***

((((((Tribe))))))


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, November 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Lostsoul)))) My husband just completed a partial impatient therapy. The main reason for most people there was depression, profound in some cases. So you are not staying there and it is all volunteer but you are getting intense, hands on help on a daily basis. Maybe something like that would work for you?


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, November 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost2,

My godmother, who I loved with all my heart, had regular meltdowns in the grocery store and she was never even married. So yours may be totally other than infidelity related

To answer your question about my younger son, he had his heart tests on Tuesday. They found something which would definitely be considered an abnormality in an adult, but can sometimes be normal in an adolescent. Because of the incident after the running, however, they want to check him into the hospital and test him for a rare but very serious heart defect. They doubt that he has it, but the doctor said if it was his son, he would have the test done, so of course we will. That is scheduled for next Wednesday. It is a one in a million that he has it, but we need to rule it out.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 3:43 AM, November 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So yours may be totally other than infidelity related

Ya think?

BT,
Its almost good news about your son. I know you wont be able to relax till you get the results from Wednesday's tests, but at least you can start breathing again.

***
So where is everyone else?
You guys have been chatting like magpies when I was "lost" and now I am back...

Hope everyone survived the short holiday relatively well.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, November 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT, hopefully you won't be too stressed out until Wednesday. Are the tests he has to have done fairly easy for him? I know you will all feel sooo much better once this is ruled out....and it will be!

Kids are down the beach this weekend, so just me and H. He has off. I think he wants to go to Atlantic City but I just don't think we should with money and it's almost Christmas and all. I didn't say much when he mentioned it. I always feel like I am the not fun one, I am the bad guy, I am the grown up. I get sick of that. i want to have fun too, but someone has to be realistic.

The original plan was to go to a movie. He is so passive, he will assume I don't want to go to Ac b/c I didn't jump up and down about it and probably won't mention it again. Whatever.

Lost, are you having a good time getting your house in order?


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, November 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finally told him I just don't want to go to Atlantic City. Long drive, too much money. He was okay with it, not thrilled but fine. I ended up crying. It made no sense. I soooo expect him not to make an effort. He asked me what I wanted to do...movie, shopping,whatever. I implied he only asked b/c I mentioned we would be home alone.

He finally said, listen, I just got back from this impatient thing. I am trying. Let me try. Maybe you brought up the idea but I am making an effort and asking you. Let me try.

I think he may be right on this one. So I guess we will do some Christmas shopping and then movies and dinner. Sometimes I think I can be my own enemy and get in my own way.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, November 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost,
Guess it is a learning process for them. After all, they have been looking out for their own needs for so long.

Hope you two enjoy tonight. And maybe next time, he will think of it first!

***
Re unpacking...so NOT enjoying it.
Was feeling so overwhelmed today (there is so much to do and everyone wants a piece of me and I just cant), that I ended up in a sobbing mess. H can't relate and asked why couldnt I just procrastinate with some stuff.
Huh? Didnt compute that one.But trying to take it one at a time.
This stupid sinusitis doesnt help.Argh.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, November 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stopping in thank you for your thoughtful support. Our furnace died during the night so once the repair guy leaves we are heading for the anniversary party out of town. FWH brought me flowers, wine and chocolate on Thursday when he came home from work. Hopefully we can make some new good memories this wkend.

Hugs to all. {{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, November 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a longer post before the previous one but it disappeared into cyberspace.

{{{LH2}}}... just do the essential stuff... take breaks and delegate, delegate, delegate. We moved into this house in November so I know how it is... BTDT -NO Tshirt!!! Sometimes I read your posts and think we were 'separated at birth' but since you could be my DD... guess we are LTA sisters.

SoLost Thanks for the info.

I did 'google' CBT but need something local (Cdn). Lots of results from the search (U.S./U.K.) so I did quite a bit of reading yesterday.

BT... keeping your sons in my prayers.

I see we are on Page 49. I hope we have a new location in the wings.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, November 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to be too pushy, but I did a little search for you on certified cognitive therapists in Manitoba (that is the keystone province, right?). There are three listed in Winnipeg, if that is close to you. All are MDs, but it certainly isn't necessary to have an MD to practice this kind of therapy, and really it isn't even necessary to be certified by the Beck Institute (Aaron Beck is the founder of coginitive therapy).

There are lots of people )social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists) who practice cognitive therapy without haven't spent all the time and money it takes to be officially certified. If Winnipeg is far from you, perhaps you could call the offices of the two folks listed and ask if they know any cognitive therapy practitioners close to you.

I'm PMing you the names, etc. of the ones I found.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, November 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all! I "survived" T-day. We had friends who know over. No problem on that front but the kids ages don't mix at all and that was a challenge. Suffice it to say by 7:00 pm we were well "into our cups". Didn't feel so great on Friday but noooo problemo, right? I will just hang out Fri. night and relax except I forgot about the Martini Party for girls night out!!!

So I suck it up Friday pm, squeeze into my hot, black J-Brands and boots. By 11:30 I am feeling muuuucccchhh better. Come home, attack unsuspecting H, sleep until 10 and wake up with yet another horrible hangover.

No problem because I am going to spend the whole day in pjs and go to bed at 7 pm. Except I forgot that weeks ago we agreed to meet other "friends that know" for dinner to discuss how we are doing. Well, the only way for me to discuss how I am doing is after a couple of glasses of wine. And, as it turns out, they would like to discuss they insulated by wine as well. Soooooooo, last night fell into bed around 11pm filled with wine. Geez, when am I gonna learn?

Today is the day we go cut our Xmas tree which if fine if there are any natural fluids left in your system. However, if you blood is now 99.9% alchohol tree cutting is tough. Especially, if tree cutting is followed up by watching DD2 playing ice hockey in a 28 degree rink.

But, I am finally home, in my comfy clothes, the tree is up. Lights and the first round of decorations are on. And I am going to bed as soon as I get the kids to bed.

So, that was my weekend. How was yours?

(Oh, yeah, during all my drunkeness, I took Hs wedding ring away and hid it. Gave it back yesterday but told him it isn't a wedding ring. It is a ring that he can wear as long as he is completely and committed to R. If he wavers at all, I take the ring. If I finally get off the fence and decide no, I take the ring. Yeah, not much going on around here!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
fadingmemories
♀ Member
Member # 20531
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, November 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All, I was wondering if someone can share some thoughts. I have been dreading the arrival of Dec since dday in April. Dec is our wedding anniversary. My IC has said the only way our R would work is if we abolished the old marriage and began a new one. I took off my wedding ring and things have actually been going very well, but I am really dreading that day. I was committed to that marriage for over 20 years...he was not. I raised our children, worked 2 jobs so he could finish school, made a home for us and lived within that marriage. How do stare that date in the face and not trigger. Why do certain things just send us over the edge? I'm doing pretty well in daily life and then Bam the train comes out of nowhere. Has anyone else felt afraid of their anniversary?


Me BS
Him FWS
Married 25 Years  Together 31
LTA 12 years
DDay 4/11/08
R 2/14/09
"No matter if you think you can or you can't...either way you are right"
Scars do not form on the dying...
only on the survivors.



Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: North East
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning tribe.

Want to address fading and then I'll go off onto my whole freaking weekend.

Fading, yes, I detest my anniversary. The first one after Dday, the kids kept making a big deal about "are you two going out or what?" so we finally did. I bought 2 cards, one serious, one stupid. Gave him the stupid one. I could NOT wait for it to be over. I even told him I didn't want to celebrate something that was dead. He still does.

Brought up the idea of starting over in MC and he freaked... "what? I have to ask you to marry me and go through all that crap all over again?" Yeah, so my idea of an eventual vow renewal has gone out the window.

Next year we, excuse me, I will be marred 30 years. I'm sure there will be a fuss made and I'm just not into it. I've told H that I think I want to go away, far away over it, not necessarily to celebrate it, but to avoid the "OMG 30 years ago...." talk from his family. I can just tell my brother and his wife "don't mention it" and they won't. They won't know why, but they won't.

Can you and H come up with some minor way of noting the day. After all, when the two of you wed, it was committment. It was the day you married, It just didn't last. Both of you went into that day planning on being together forever, right? Lately I've been saying we were married for 15 years. We've just been in a "relationship" since. And I think that's how I'm going to look at it. Answer the praises with that kind of response "yes, it's hard to be in a relationship for 30 years." Not a marriage.

Well, we had 4 days off together and he was sick from Wednesday until Sunday and I was sick from Friday until.... still am. Then there was the funeral on Saturday. Not quite how I pictured spending those 4 days.

But the good news... H didn't treat me like a leper. He actually encouraged me to snuggle with him, made me tea, held my hand. The only odd thing was I took his arm walking to the church and he grabbed my hand saying he didn't like "that". Don't know why that bugged me.

T-day dinner was at my brother's, then the kids and I headed to his sisters for dessert. He went home, feeling lousy. Watched some football and then I headed home. Both kids kept busy. But it was nice having my son around.

He confided in me that he has a new love interest and that there's someone interested in him, but he's not interested in her... she's 26, he's 20. He didn't tell his dad because he said he "knows where his mind will go" if he told him an older woman was interested in him. And he wasn't interested in hearing his opinion. I did get them to go to the movies on Friday alone, then they came home and cleaned up the yard together.

On my part I tried to keep the hugging to a minimum, especially since I was sick, but it also reinforces to H how close DS and I are and he knows why. Well, 3 weeks and he'll be back home for a month. Can't wait.

DD even helped out this weekend with doing some laundry for me and by cleaning her room, well, attempting to clean her room. She needs a separate room for her school stuff. Actually she needs an office. But since there's room to move up there now, I may help her later reorganize her desk area.

I have to get ready for work now, so I'll sign off for now. Hopefully what I have is only a cold and won't require a dr. visit. Just don't want to hear the crap about my weight again right now.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So where is everyone else?
You guys have been chatting like magpies when I was "lost" and now I am back...


Timing, LH, everything is about timing. Very big holiday weekend in the US and some of the best shopping deals are to be had on "black Friday."
I can just imagine how overwhelming it is to get your new home in order. I dread the day I decide to move. I have accumulated so much stuff over the years I simply cannot imagine how much time it would take me to condense everything.
BTW, how is your hubby? Is is still being upbeat with getting settled in your home? I was so happy to hear about his enthusiasm. Hopefully, "good H" will stay around for a very long while.
. . . attack unsuspecting H

OK, HS, care to elaborate on this one?
Sounds very interesting!
Fading - my anniversary is one month pratically to the day from d-day and the first year I was so distraught that I made my H go to his brother's (in another state altogether) to be as far away from me as possible. There was no way I wanted to even look at him let alone be in the same house with him. The second year I told him and my children that there was to be no mention at all of our anniversary. My H was so upset and kept asking me to at least go out to dinner with him. I finally conceded (at least I got out of cooking that night) but of course my heart was just not that into celebrating. D-day and my anniversary are coming up again soon and so I haven't even thought about what I want to do this year. One day at a time, KWIM??
If there is anything we can do to help you get through this month, let us know and keep posting. We'll be here to support you. (((FM)))
Weepy - How were those Death by Chocolate cookies?? I've been thinking about them ever since you mentioned them last week.
Sounds like your H actually made some progress - taking care of you when you're sick - that's a big step for him. I hope you're feeling better today. As to the vow renewal, I mentioned that a few times to my H who showed so little interest that I will never mention it again. My DD asks me about that every now and then because she knows that I would like that eventually but honestly, until I can be sure that I'd want to marry him all over, the topic is not going to be brought up again.
BT - thinking of you and your son as Wednesday approaches and keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but honestly, until I can be sure that I'd want to marry him all over, the topic is not going to be brought up again.

Fnf: For sure! I just brought it up in MC one night when we were talking about how both of us got "cheated" for our engagement. Me, I never got asked. Him, he never got to ask. It was a disaster of crying and throwing of the ring. He told me he resented it for years, never mentioned it until after DDay. Figures.

But yeah, until I'm sure this guy is not only never going to cheat again, I need to make sure he's ready to ride the coaster with me. Right now, he isn't interested. I will acknowledge progress in the "germ" area over the weekend, but then he was the one who gave me the germs... he was sick first.

Had one disturbing exchange though and I didn't pursue it because he was so sick. I brought him some toast and tea in bed on Thanksgiving. I told him it must mean "I love him" because I don't allow food upstairs EVER. He said "yeah, either that or you're stupid." So it go me wondering...and I'm sure it's not settled with him either that I love him.

Does he think I'm stupid? (for staying with him?) Is that why my IC keeps asking me it over and over? She has said she doesn't think she could ever stay with a man like I describe H.

She asked me last visit if I liked "weepy". I told her I thought I did, but then started to wonder. Would I actually like someone who was with someone who treated her so badly? Would I like someone so angry and resentful? Would I like someone who can't forgive?

I know I"m trying to like me. I know I have to forgive myself, and I thought I had, until this "stupid" stuff came up after our session.

But if I'm "stupid" then all the rest of us are too and I would NEVER think that of y'all, so why would I think it of myself?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
dizzney
♀ Member
Member # 21689
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure how I wil feel about our anniversary, but it makes me giggle when I think OW was upset that H took me away for our 20th.

I think, when I am ready, we are going to have a recommitment ceremony and that will be my new anniversary. Right now, I kind of have the attitude that we are just dating and I am deciding if I want to be married.

Maybe I won't celebrate an anniversary until I'm completely sure about everything.


Married currently 22 yrs (dday 20)
8 kids (6 to 21) (dday 3 to 18)
Dday-7/10/08
HIM-9 yrs secret email, 5 yr EA, 3 yr PA
w/college gf, MOW/3kids
Separated since NOV. 09

Posts: 1124 | Registered: Nov 2008
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She asked me last visit if I liked "weepy". I told her I thought I did, but then started to wonder. Would I actually like someone who was with someone who treated her so badly? Would I like someone so angry and resentful? Would I like someone who can't forgive?

Weepy, when I read this I couldn't help but think that I would want to re-phrase the question. I think I'd ask you why don't you believe you have the right to be happy, to be free of all of this anger and resentment, to be free of the burden to forgive. Does this make sense?
All throughout my own ordeal, I kept telling myself I have the right to be happy, to find peace in my life and to decide what it was I needed in order to reach that goal. I think it goes without saying that I wanted my M to work but I always believed that if in the end of all of our struggling through this mess I felt I still couldn't be happy then I would have to make a very difficult choice. I know I've said this many, many times on here but I honestly believe we all have the right to be happy and although our H's stole our joy as a result of our personal d-days that doesn't mean they have the right to take that from us indefinitely. We must take back our lives and as I have said to my H, I will be happy with or without you but I'm hoping we can still be happy together. The choice to find our happiness is ours but the choice to be a part of that is theirs.
Weepy, choose happiness. I know this might sound trite, but I honest and truly believe it is within our reach. This is the season to believe - believe that you can be happy again but most of all that you deserve to be!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had another thought Weepy and I hope I don't start rambling but I wanted to offer up a suggestion.
From all of your posts I get the idea that you really do want to stay in your M. You show a great deal of resistance to D'ing, even considering what your IC told you. So let's just say for argument sake that you have made the decision to stay and now you are trying to find some happiness for yourself even though your H provides many obstacles for you to reach this goal.
Now this is probably going to be considered by some to be bad advice and maybe in fact it is but I am going to tell you how I found happiness during those years of my H's LTA. I DID WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANTED TO DO! AND I DIDN'T LOOK TO HIM TO APPROVE, AGREE, OR GIVE AN OPINION OF WHAT HE THOUGHT OF MY CHOICES. He took no interest in me while he was off fucking the OW and after years of feeling hurt and sad I decided that I had had enough and realized I knew exactly how to enjoy life and I took back my life in a very big way. I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed living my life as I wanted to with no restrictions whatsoever.
I have looked back on those years often trying to figure out how I might have changed things but I am convinced that once my H went down that road whether I stayed home and played the loyal, hurt, and lonely role or whether I decided to make a life for myself wasn't going to change his "need" for outside activity and I am very happy I chose the life I did during those years.
I had a daughter in college and a son in Europe and I frequently hopped on a plane to visit one or the other. I took vacations with friends, with family and occasionally with my H and stayed in some amazing places. I took classes, I went to parties by myself that he wouldn't attend and had a great time without him. I focused my energies on my children, my mom and my sister and there were many rewards for me in that. I reached out to my H during those years and when he turned away I shrugged my shoulders and made choices for myself and for my children. And you know what, it worked for me. To this day, I am so happy I looked out for myself. I would be a very bitter woman today if I had made sacrifices all those years only to discover his LTA.
Don't get me wrong, in the early years I cried and begged and pleaded with him for a different marriage but after a while I realized he wasn't interested and decided that I had to take charge of my own life and let me tell you this, these were some of the best years of my life.
You've been struggling for so long it seems and maybe, just maybe, it's time to take back your life. Right now you are allowing him to steal all of your joy and enthusiasm for life and no one has the right to do that to us, not even our H's.
Maybe finances aren't great right now but I would think there are things you want for yourself that you back down from because of him - stop backing down. Go for it. Don't wait for him to join you and don't listen to him when he gripes. He made his choices during the A years. Maybe it's time for him to see what it feels like to have his S make choices with no consideration of him for a change.
(Like I said, maybe this is very bad advice but I have to tell you, every time I read the things your H says, I get the urge to deck him. Even the comment that you quoted today, "yeah, either that or you're stupid"
Weepy, that is just too infuriating. Don't take his crap. I would have picked up the food and walked right the fuck out the door or if I was really in a pissy mood I would have dumped the entire platter on his lap. (This really bothered me, can you tell? )
Weepy, you remember when UKG's IC told her that she wanted her to come to therapy and leave her H and the OW outside, I think this would be a great idea for you. I would love to see you focus on only you for a change. What does Weepy need to be happy? What does Weepy want out of the rest of her life? How can Weepy stay in her marriage and find happiness and satisfaction?
So, sorry for the long post but I felt a need to offer up an option that I am personally happy I chose for myself during my most difficult years.
ETA - One thing I forgot to mention was that once I started living my life as I chose, nothing changed with my H. He was still critical, argumentative, difficult and dismissive. What changed was me. I literally shut him out, refused to "take the bait" so to speak. I walked away, yes, cursing under my breath, but shook him off and went about living my life. I just wanted to let you know that my changes didn't change my H they just helped me to live a fuller, more satisfying life. I didn't want you to think that I was suggesting that you could change your H. I think you know, we all know, that only they can do that.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 10:18 AM, December 1st (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe it's time for him to see what it feels like to have his S make choices with no consideration of him for a change

Fnf: I did this too. I was band mother and wrestling bake sale organizer and assistant recital director. I did things I wanted to do for my kids. I didn't do for me, of course. What I WANTED was to be a mom and a wife and be happy and loved. Well, I got loved by 2 outta 3. The people I was doing things for and with.

Now what I was doing for my H, he didn't see as valuable, I guess... helping with the business paperwork, working full time, taking a part time job when things were tough (notice I didn't make HIM get a pt job). I went to the shore with his family ALONE (well, with the kids) because he hates the shore. I would stay up late reading (my former passion). Everything I did to please myself, he said pushed him away. Every moment I spent mothering, was a moment not spent wifing. That I didn't NEED to be at all 4 recitals and dress rehearsals. No, I didn't. But I love ballet and dance and that's where I got to see it.

When DD first started taking dance (his sister's studio BTW) he would come and take tickets at the recitals, or work the video. Then when the A started, he could barely get himself there to watch DD dance. He missed 2 entirely because I stopped begging and pleading for him to come.

He said in MC that he felt left out because I made all the decisions about our time, our house, what the kids were doing. Now our MC said he could have inserted himself in those decisions, but chose to escape instead. Now he's inserting himself into these decisions, just what he was told to do and I either have to let him in or get out.

But I do notice you say you don't get on here on Fridays when your H is home either, so we are both making concessions.

I'm heading up to do my meditations. H is on his way home. I don't come here when he's around either.

I'll never say your advice is bad or wrong. SI is take what you need, and leave the rest, but I hear what you're saying. I'm just saying that my M WAS like that and because that was part of the "perfect storm" it contributed to the atmosphere of him leaving for the A. It reinforce his feeling of "I"m not in control of anything, the universe/my wife/the kids/ the boss, whoever" is. I may not like everything he says he wants to control, but I have to give some of my power back too.

Gotta run. Hear the truck.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


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