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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I I I
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, November 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only got a few mins to just say:

Hello LostH and welcome back!!
Missed you!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, November 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey welcome back LH. Give us all the details when you get a chance!


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, November 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome back LH2.... hows the new house? Just in time for X-Mas decorating!!!

Weepy, glad to hear that you are putting yourself first. Sorry your H isn't helping to fix things.

BT, keeping you and your sons in my prayers, along with all my family members. My neice just had emergency surgery, my Brother is having serious surgery Dec. 18th, my sisters H continues to battle his cancer, and they just found more on his kidneys!!! Add to that, my poor 89 yr. old Dad is going crazy with worry, and wonders why he is still here!!!

Sure hope the new year brings better health for them.

UKGirl, how are ya... you are always in my thoughts...

Not much new with me. My FWH and I are doing really well. Sometimes the old ghosts creep up on me, but I refuse to notice them! FWH has asked me to go away after X-Mas again and spend New Years in Florida. He wants to go where we spent the evening last year... just the 2 of us. I really am looking forward to getting away.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

to each and everyone of you's.

I know I have ALOT to be thankful for.

Lovin

PS.... UKG, we aren't going to camp in Florida this time! We are actually going to rent a condo.


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, November 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So good to see you LH. We sure did miss you.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, November 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Back Lost Heart...but now we have the "new and improved" version....Lost Heart 2!!!!

Hope you are getting settled in well. We are getting ready for Thanksgiving here. Hope everybody has a nice time with friends and family.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, November 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks you lot.
Back at ye!
Re the name change:
I err...forgot my password and couldnt get it. SI dont keep our passwords, so after much back and forth (betw my pal Ukg and mods),it was decided that only way forward was to re-register...hence my new name. I thought of changing it to something really snazzy, but decided against..after all, I am LostHeart.
(thanks Ukg for all your help..and the name!)

***
So we moved into OUR VERY OWN HOME..and its been hectic but GREAT!
I love the house, warts and all. Its ours. (happy)No curtains, sleeping on the floor, heater broken on 2nd floor...but its ours.

H has been just great too. We have both been working well together on this. I get all anal and tense... and he is all relaxed and chilled ...but together its been nice. It worked somehow.
His attitude has just been amazing and infectious. I dont do change very well, and kids and I have been quite disoriented. His chirpy mood has made all of this much easier.
LEts hope Good H stays around for awhile, cos we sure do like him.

On the downer...this Friday is dday#2 antiversary.I have been fighting triggers since the weekend, add to that I go full time and have been assigned 2 hectic cases and I couldnt have IC this week and I didnt have my Tribe...have all contributed to me sliding. I know its happening and I have been trying to pace myself. Trying.

H upset me the other night when he asked in exasperation, "Why do you have to remember these things?(ddays). Why dont you just let it go. They are not impt so why make a big deal out of it!Really!"
I was hurt and sad that he would still say this after all this time.
2 years ago Friday, I discovered the whole M had been a joke; that he and OW#1 had been at it since before we even got together, and this M has always been the 3 of us..well 4 when OW#2 got in.I discovered that all those fears I had all those years ago, had been real. I discovered that I had NOT been crazy and paranoid and immature as a young bride; that ALL of them (H, OW, IL's and my family) had been wrong.. it had not been me who was "ill" but H and OW.

2 years ago, OW#2 left my M. Her ghost still lingers and will do for some time, but she is getting weaker.YAy!

2 years ago, H came crashing down from his pedastal,( and I started building mine. ), and had to begin looking at himself. Sadly though, it meant I had to start really looking at him too.

So how can he say its not impt?

****

Shirley, well done you for the OW showdown.You got nerve, girlfriend!

Word of caution about the Imago weekend though, Shirley.
It concerns me that you are putting some of emphasis on this one weekend. Thats an awful lot of pressure to place on you and H, isnt it? Can this not be a stepping stone towards something positive? KWIM?

Btw, there is a great handbook that goes with the Getting the Love you Want book as well.
(I would LOVE to go to an Imago weekend.Maybe one day.
Ukg, there is even one held in a gorgeous Greek island!Hint hint ).

***
(((((((Tribe))))))))


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, November 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but now we have the "new and improved" version....Lost Heart 2

You betcha baby!
She is tuffer and purttier and TWICE the woman she was before (lets hope her sp has improved too!)

Yowse whiff me??

****

ETA:
The world had taken on many US customs, and its unfortunate that Thanksgiving has not been one of them.(you lot can take back your weird gangsta walks and bling and Jordan..lol).

The whole concept helps centre us on what we have and what is really important at the end of the day.
What an important and humbling lesson for us all.

Happy Thanksgiving,my Sisters.

[This message edited by Lost Heart2 at 12:29 PM, November 26th (Wednesday)]


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, November 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really quick Happy Thanksgiving to all our stateside sisters. Thanks to the UK sisters for providing the Pilgrims!


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, November 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

I am thankful for all of you sharing your stories and advice with me


Weepy..

I never saw her as a replacement for you, ever." Yeah, but the fact that she was the "chosen" one will never change. I was in his bed every night. On the couch 3' away every night. With him 24/7 on weekends and holidays, but yet, he'd bundle himself up in 10 degree weather and haul himself downtown or to her house when he wouldn't even carry out the trash for me because "it was too cold". Hard to see that kind of behavior in a "funhouse" mirror. Maybe if he'd had daily contact with her in some other setting, more convenience, but to tell me he was going to get cigarettes and be gone for an hour while he saw her and came home like nothing? That's a whole different animal. That's enjoying "getting over" on me. His A contained a whole lot of spite and anger AT ME. Whether it was because he couldn't face it at himself or not, it still was directed AT ME, AT OUR KIDS

OMG! We married the same guy!!


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, November 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We married the same guy

Its so pathetic how much in common these WSs have, isnt it?

Then again, think about how much in common us BSs here have...intelligent, witty, funny,faithful, attractive,...


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, November 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all!! Wanted to come in and say Happy Thanksgiving!!!

LH, so glad you're back, and squared even! lol

H was discharged from his partial inpatient stay yesterday.They make that decision. He actually was fine going and after the first couple days got to liking it. We live in such a small area though....he had a friend from college there as well as someone I use to work with! We are going to have dinner with the friend from college and his wife in a few weeks. i went out to lunch with he and H after the family session yesterday.

Soooooo, he has started checking his blood sugar. Not making a big deal of it, just checking it daily. We'll see if that continues. At the family session the therapist had some good insight. Really thinks he was not suicidal in his lack of care of himself (what many others have said) but more disconnected. She said there was not enough feeling or emotion to be suicidal. Thinks 'disconnecting' has been his main coping mechanism since childhood and that is so, so true. Said even the fact that he gets defensive now is reassuring, he is connected enough to feel something.

It all makes sense and is all well and good. But now he has to make a choice to be co0nnected and to feel all the stuff he hasn't been feeling. She emphasized that it is a great coping mechanism and to stop makes you feel bad feelings, but it also allows you to feel the good feelings that he has missed out on.

I almost feel like as time goes on, I am disconnecting myself. Like if he doesn't hurry up and figure himself out, I am just not going to be able to wait. I guess we'll see.

He really hasn't old me much about it. Bits here and there especially when I asked before going in for the family session. He said many of the people were just profoundly sick...profoundly depressed or manic or OCD or whatever. So I guess h seem pretty normal to them. We talked a lot about that as well. All his being 'laid back' is about that disconnect. now he needs to learn how to fix it.

I don't know if he'll follow through. Things have been slowly drifting back to our 'normal' which is just living our lives parallel. I don't want to do that anymore, and yet I don't want to be the one initiating everything. He'll do stuff with me when I ask and plan and do it all. I can't do that anymore. He needs to take initiative. So we seem to be at an impasse.

He has appointment with his counselor on Tuesday and they will make an appointment for the fur of us then.

This is such a long, horrible road. I catch glimpses of goodness her e and there. Us having a 'normal' conversation and realizing that we rarely did that before dday. But I want more. I don't know if there ever will be more.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, November 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH squared. What a thought? LOL!!

I'm glad to have you back, my friend, and happy that you've had such a good experience becoming a homeowner.

I know you can hold it together. Don't let a date on a calendar hold you back. Not now when you are doing so well. Live from your beliefs, Lost, not from your feelings. You are at a point where you can do that now. Do it. I know you can. It is the most empowering change you will ever make.

**********
Weepy, I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. That is such a sad thing.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, November 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

I'm headed to see family tomorrow- Believe that WH will be working although he may be able to come for a few hours.

I went to the Drs. today and pneumonia has been going around like MAD- he said they can't separate the viral vs. bacteria and since I've had a moderate fever for 5 days he's given me the Z pack. Ahhh...I just hope to feel better. I don't think I've ever been so tired in my life- Off to clean up after dinner, put laundry away that's WAY overdue & collapse in bed.

BTW, my Dr. recommended whiskey for my cough. Gotta love him!


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:18 AM, November 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once again, just a few mins to spare before going over to UKg2’s with DS2 to set up her computer in a downstairs room so she can shut off some of that huge house she’s rattling around in. FWH has gone off to London for work and then a school reunion dinner – aaarrgghghghghgh!!! I expect that will be the trigger for him to think about MOW. Hpefully, she won’t be mentioned as she’s not part of that set. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. My evening will be dentist with DS2&4, piano lesson for DS4 and mundane stuff at home. I fucking hate it.

Still, meeting with a SI sister tomorrow for lunch!

Happy Thanksgiving to those descendants over the pond. Have a great day!

Weepy, I’m sorry to hear about your friend. Thanksgiving followed by funeral. Thinking of you.

Lovin’, wow, one thing after another. Sending healing thoughts out your way for your family. Stay strong (even though we know you are). As to the condo – hope the walls are thick! Have a good time hon.

LostH, Antiversaries suck. But I think you’ve read enough here to steel yourself for it.

H came crashing down from his pedastal,

No more of that again. Ever. Now, how do I get down from mine?
I think I’ve got the Getting the Love you Want book somewhere. Not read it, so I’ll look through my stash and see what’s happened to it.

WN, pneumonia? Take very good care of yourself. I like your doctor, good recommendation!

Gotta go. Have a wonderful day everyone.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, November 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lovin,

I'm adding your relatives to my prayer list. Sees like a lot of people facing illness this year.

**********

Happy Thanksgiving to all the American members of the tribe. I hope everyone has a great day.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, November 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wishing everyone, even our friends "across the pond" a wonderful Thanksgiving. I will be thinking of all of you and saying a silent thank you for the friends we have in each other in our little corner of SI.
Hugs to all!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, November 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Thanksgiving All!!! I will be saying Thanks for all the help and support that I have received here. I hope everyone can say a small thanks for something even if it is not Thanksgiving where you are.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, November 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do have much to thank for, and this Tribe is high on that list.
I couldnt have made it through the last 2 years without you all.

Thank you every one of you.
And even though my kiddos dont know you, I know that oneday when I do tell them about the special friends I made here, they will thank you too.
<happy>

***

BT, if I was anymore squarer...

Whats the news on your boy?

***
Whatnow, that sounds serious. Please take care of yourself. Bedrest and whiskey,it is!

***

Ukg, couldnt you have accompanied H at his reunion?
What an annoying trigger.

Enjoy your meet with a SI sister. You sound like you need a break.

***
Hi Fnf and Shirley and Weepy and SoLost and Lovin and BT and the rest of the Tribe:
I missed you all so much. I feel like its been yonks since I was here.
Hope you all have a peaceful holiday.

***
Lostsuol, where are you, friend?


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, November 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Thanksgiving all! Please stay safe however you celebrate with family & friends. In Canada turkey day is past, but since our cable TV is from the US we are part of the day without the big meal <GriN>!
LTA tribe, I hope you know that when I count my blessings each of you is among them. Thank you so much for being a part of my life despite the circumstances that brought us here.
FNF and Lostsoul, I've been having some freaky dreams, too. I'm surprised at times at how badly they affect me.

I'm not surprised at this as I used to be. All kinds of issues are coming out in my subconscious via dreams. I'm having quite a hard time dream-wise this week-started Sunday morning. I've asked FWH to wake me up if I'm talking/sometimes yelling in my sleep since this means I'm having unpleasant dreams. He chose to put his arm around me but did not wake me up. The result? Continued bad dreams... my waking in tears... not a great start to the day. We got to church and I burst into tears at the door. My M-i-l was a greeter and I gave her a start as I backed out 'on my way in'. We were there to celebrate 105 yrs of the congregation. Instead I had a meltdown... not totally A-related as I also found out my only sister was admitted to hospital on Saturday... but FWH not waking me as I've asked him many times was part of it too. We sleep 'spooned' with his arm around me most of the time so this isn't enough to rouse me when I need out of the dream state. Strangely enough... not reaching dream state and getting restorative sleep is one of my ongoing health struggles! Irony at its best... Then there's his removing the letters he wrote me (made me feel gas-lighted) as he thinks my reading them is causing my meltdowns. And the 30th wedding anniversary party we are invited to this wkend. His A started shortly after our 30th anniversary. Our 35th anniv. this year was a disaster.

LostS, what kind of therapies have you tried for depression?
Therapies... well... just SI, several books (including my woman's devotional Bible), and anti-depressants (Xanax added recently to Effexor). I sometimes think I should commit myself but think I am afraid of not being let out. Today I am one teary mess. FWH just called to say he'd be home later than planned but he'd be home as soon as he could. He was here at noon so he knows I'm not coping well today. I can't even type this without tears and chastising myself for being this way...

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
fadingmemories
♀ Member
Member # 20531
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, November 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope all that celebrated had a great thanksgiving. Let me say i am thankful for the copy of the funhouse mirror post. i had never read it and it helped to make sense of some things. Even when it seems R is going well there are days that step up and slap you down. Thank you all for being here it so helps to know there are others SI


Me BS
Him FWS
Married 25 Years  Together 31
LTA 12 years
DDay 4/11/08
R 2/14/09
"No matter if you think you can or you can't...either way you are right"
Scars do not form on the dying...
only on the survivors.



Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: North East
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