fnf, glad to see things are going well for your sister.
LH, happy moving. Hope it is a new beginning for you and your family.
Shirley, I can't help but wonder if she was so quick to agree to a meeting to protect herself and make sure you're not about to expose her. Tread with caution and try to go with low expectations. I hope it brings some sort of closure for you.
LTA Tribe, if I may ask all of you to send some healing thoughts to my nephew. He will be only 30 years old next month and has been diagnosed with what appears, in all likelihood, to be a malignant brain tumor. He will be seeing a specialist next week.
Hugs and good thoughts to all...
Twelve things to always remember and one thing to never forget.
Your presence is a present to the world.
You're unique and one of a kind.
Your life can be what you want it to be
Take the days just one at a time
Count your blessings, not your troubles,
You'll make it through whatever comes along.
Within you are so many answers.
Understand, have courage, be strong.
Realize that it's never too late
Do ordinary things in an extrordinary way.
Have health and hope and happiness
Take the time to wish upon a star
And don't ever forget....for even a day....how very special you are.
- Collin McCarry
D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA
"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".
HS, listen to what LH said...I think she gave some great, practical advise.
I am waiting for the day when I run in to ow. Well, maybe not waiting, but I will not be shocked. We work in the same hospital. I finally saw her picture. It is certainly possible. I tend to be all over the hospital, rarely if ever in 'her' area. But she graduates soon and may very well change spots. Who knows. H says she loves her job and won't move but I don't count on anything.
It's interesting. I have grown up and lived in a bout a 15 mile radius. I am not on speaking terms with my father related to the affair he had (LTA I am sure) that destroyed their 30 year marriage and his behavior in handling it in the aftermath. And although we lived within about 3 miles of each other, I have never run in to him in real life. Not in 9 years. He has now moved a bit farther away, but I imagine we went to the same stores, there is only one mall, etc. I think God protected me. My mom even ran in to him and many others. But never me. I suspect the same may be true with ow. God's protecting me from something I maybe can't handle at this point.
Whatnow, sounds like a great mantra to read every day! I wish I was ready to be inspired by something like that.
H starts his intensive therapy tomorrow. I think he is a bit nervous, but not overly. He has made a lot of jokes about it (his way of dealing). I don't think he has told anyone though. He did call me after the initial interview and tell me about it, and he rarely calls me to keep me in the loop so I'm hoping that continues.
I personally contacted 4 of the 6 women my H had A's with. For 3 of the 4 women wanted them to know that I was aware of the fact that they had been involved with my husband. I also wanted to let them know that the door to my husband was currently shut and they were not allowed to have any contact with him. I asked them to stay out of our lives as we tried to find a way to pcik up the pieces and make ourselves whole again. I never once asked about specific sex acts because I knew hearing about them would be of no benefit for myself. I knew hearing about the sex would only add to my pain and not lessen it.
Think carefully about your intention and whether or not what you ask will benefit or hurt you during your healing process.
I know that little good may come of this but I have thought over and over and over about it and, for some odd reason, I think facing these women is part of my healing process. It makes it "real" for me. EO has watched me struggle with this and he agrees (and if there is ANYONE who may want me to NOT meet with them it is him ).
Shenpa, I have tried to be as honest with myself as possible over this. Part of me wants to know what they were thinking (yes, I know that they will tell me all about the luuuuvvv, etc) but I want to hear it. I want to ask them when they knew it wasn't "meant to be". How did they feel going back to their husband (who BTW don't know) after. Finally, I am going to honestly tell them that I have had to reach out to get through this pain and that others know. I am really, really, really, going to try to do this without sounding like it is a threat. I want them to understand that they made decisions 15 years ago that might just now be having consequences in their lives. I want to see what they look like. I want them to have to look me in the eyes and admit to what they did. Yes, I want them to squirm and little. But, what I am truly looking for is a way to get past them and let them go.
EO and I are going to an Imago weekend mid-December. My goal is to meet with them and be done with it before that weekend. In some ways, I think that weekend could be a make it or break it for me. I am looking to feel something, anything for him again.
Thank you all again for your support. I am meeting her at 10 am EST on Monday. Could each of you just send some mojo my way?
Steelergal - I will keep your nephew in my thoughts. Maybe we should have a moment of LTA vibe every day at a specific time when we can each send some positive energy to those who need it.
Sending waves to BT and sons, FNF and sister, Steelergal and nephew.
I was astonished to find out that the affairs had nothing to do with me. The affairs were a force outside of me and not related to me. For H and his affair partner's I really didn't exist. I really wasn't talked about or thought about. They had created this separate world that had nothing to do with me or our family. When I first discovered this I was enraged! It was like adding insult to injury. I remember thinking how could they not think about ME when this has everything to do with ME?
I learned that my H never once wore protection because he never once thought about ME. I learned that all the affairs had nothing to do with ME. Nothing at all! These affairs were about two other people. There was this man I had been married to for over 15 years. A man that I lived, worked and slept with that held a second life that excluded me and our children. I was scared because I didn't know who the real man was.Over night everything changed and suddenly I felt I was living with a stranger. This stranger I was forced to be with day in and day out. This stranger that I had to try to maintain some type of civility with both at home in the face of our children and at work in the face of our employees and customer's. I was scared shitless! I didn't feel safe in my house at work or with my family. Nothing made sense. Who was this man who could have these multiple affairs and intrigues with all these other women? Who was this man that I once loved and trusted? In a matter of minutes he had changed before my very eye's.
I was confused and settled into deep despair. I pumped myself full of meds and pretty much stayed in bed for the next year and a half.
3 years later I'm still trying to figure out who the man is that I'm still married to and why he affects and effects me so profoundly. I'm not sure if and when those answers will come, but at this point I can honestly say that this horrendous sorrow has brought
with it many wonderful gifts. The biggest gift has been the gift of self discovery. I have decided to regain my power and step to side of my pain and suffering and work on getting myself healthy. Keeping my side of the street clean so to speak. I can't control H and what he does or does not do, but I do have absolute control over every sapect of my own life and how I want it to be. I have given my H the choice to walk beside me as I continue my journey of self discovery. I have put personal boundries in place that protect me and provide a level of safety at home and work. I offer no promises because I don't know what tomorrow might bring. But one thing is for certain, your spirit always wants to survive and it will if you can silence the suffering, pain, anger and resentment long enough to listen and hear the lessons they are teaching you.
You can let go anytime you choose to do so!
The spirit always wants to survive and it will if you will slow down long enough to listen. Just stop and listen. Sometimes the ability to listen is much more important than the answers..........
Thank you for your heartfelt post. I think I have waited this long because I needed to get to the place that you talk about; the place that I already know that I was non-existant in their lives. My H too did not use protection. The MOW I am meeting on Monday became pregnant and had an abortion. EO and I visited that site today. I have learned a lot about myself, the person I thought I was married to (who does not exist), the person that I was, in fact married to, and who these OW probably are over the last 15 months.
I am glad I didn't confront them immediately. I am proud of myself for sitting with this and thinking it through to this point. I am hoping this is my way to say goodbye to their presence in my life. I understand the risk I take with this. In fact, this MOW will, most likely, be the easier of the two LTAs. The 7 year LTA is still living a complete fantasy life - this I know. But I want to meet them face to face. Maybe it is the warrior in me that just needs to meet my "enemy".
The biggest gift has been the gift of self discovery. I have decided to regain my power and step to side of my pain and suffering and work on getting myself healthy. Keeping my side of the street clean so to speak. I can't control H and what he does or does not do, but I do have absolute control over every sapect of my own life and how I want it to be. I have given my H the choice to walk beside me as I continue my journey of self discovery. I have put personal boundries in place that protect me and provide a level of safety at home and work. I offer no promises because I don't know what tomorrow might bring. But one thing is for certain, your spirit always wants to survive and it will if you can silence the suffering, pain, anger and resentment long enough to listen and hear the lessons they are teaching you.
This speaks volumes about your progress. I am trying desperately to follow in the footsteps of the wise ones here on SI. I know that I am taking a different path with this action with the OW but it is MY path right or wrong. When I am a mess on Monday, please everyone don't tell me "I told you so" just hold me up like you have in the past.
Thank you tribe for all your support for the last 15 months. It has meant so much to me.
Healing thoughts to BT, Fnf and Steelergal and their loved ones!
Just a little update on where I am right now. I have agreed for 30 days to stop snooping on him, worrying about him, dwelling on my anger and resentment. For his part he has promised to be more physically attentive, appreciative and less critical. The idea is we see how this goes and if after the holidays, I still want to see a new therapist, he will agree to go.
I don't know how this is going to affect the lying aspect of his personality, but according to him he feels no "duty" to tell the truth when I'm not going to believe him anyway.
So it's been hard not not set the VAR as I go out to run errands. Hard not to go through his phone when he goes up to bed. Hard not to just snap when he states an opinion that triggers me, like passing judgement on someone.
Friday I got to go see the new James Bond movie because our company had a promotional meeting. Last week that would have set off a series of snarky comments and resentment. Friday night I talked to him about the movie and suggested he call our son and make a date to see it together. His only response was "that sounds like a plan." No sarcasm about how his son wouldn't want to spend time that with him.
I also asked him to give our kids a little slack. That they're good kids, they have issues, and issues with him, sure, but that they WANTED to love him. He just kept pushing them away with the constant criticism and "orders". Our D spent the night at a friend's house. She came home and was back out an hour later to see her boyfriend. Instead of giving her grief (sarcastically) about not being home, he asked her how her shopping trip went and made a point of sending her unemployed BF a link about some jobs in "show biz" that he saw on the internet. He used to ask the poor kid every time he came in the door "found a job yet?" How humiliating. This time he just said "hope it works out for you."
So I'm giving him a chance, again. Maybe if I'm more who I WAS, he'll be more who he WAS.
It's paid off this weekend with a little more physical attention. His initiation on Thursday, mine yesterday.
But then he left to help a friend with his roof this morning without saying goodbye or kissing me, so I will remind him of that instead of "punishing" him for it later.
It's an experiment. And I"m going to take the time to do what my therapist has asked me to do for a year now... take care of me and stop worrying about what he's doing. I had been detaching in anger and not too subtly apparently. Now I'm going to try and detach in love for me.
Off to the mall. The new "normal" would be me sitting at home waiting for him to come home. Afraid he'd have a half hour alone while I was out. If I keep reminding me I'm the best thing that ever came along in his life and eventually believe that, he might also see me that way instead of as an angry, miserable reminder of the worst of him.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
If I keep reminding me I'm the best thing that ever came along in his life and eventually believe that, he might also see me that way instead of as an angry, miserable reminder of the worst of him.
The real joy would be if you would believe that you are a wonderful person and that would be enough all by itself. Whether he ever believes it or not Weepy girl you are a wonderful person and when you believe that you will be healed.
FNF, what is wrong with your sister again? Is it a health problem?
She was on the prowl even with me next to him! Is there any integrity out there anymore?
The spirit always wants to survive and it will if you will slow down long enough to listen. Just stop and listen.
And I"m going to take the time to do what my therapist has asked me to do for a year now... take care of me and stop worrying about what he's doing.
I am also planning on following LH advice. Ask the questions and don't talk much just listen. I don't want her to learn anything else about me or my relationship with EO. I just want her to have to confront the reality of her actions.
Finally, I am going to encourage her to be honest with her BS (who, as far as I know, does not know). I will explain that part of my healing has been to reach out to a few people and that "the secret" is now in the public domain. In addition, I cannot guarantee that I won't either 1) tell more people or 2) contact the BHs. I WILL do whatever I need to move forward. These are the consequences of actions put into motion 15 years ago by her.
I am going for a walk now to try to gather my thoughts and still my emotions.
Please all....send mojo my way at 10 am EST.....HS
H came home for work last night. I have been sick as can be, even called off work today. He woke me up to say hello and I was wondering why he was sitting there still talking to me when I was so stuffed up and obviously wanting to go back to sleep. Turns out that as he was walking out he got a restricted call on his phone. The only other time that has happened was when ow called it. He didn't answer it that time and a minute later she called at work. He was with some others and he told them he wasn't answering it. He said it had been a year, there was no need to. The person didn't leave a message.
I'm so grateful that he came home and told me right away. I don't check cell phone stuff anymore, although he may not know that, so that may have been his motivation, to avoid getting in trouble. I was super relaxed about it and just thanked him for telling me.
Could she actually be wanting to talk to him after over a year???? She called a few times after dday. Once they talked and he told her yes, it was over. Once she left a drunk message. And then he got an email after that call. Why now??
I guess I just have to wait and see and trust that he will tell me.
She was remorseful and truthful from what I can tell. She answered the questions that I needed. In case any of you are wondering what the OW thought of us, they didn't. She admitted that she didn't think of me or the impact it would have on me at all. But, she is thinking about it now!
I think I did a good job of keeping it civil and not vindictive. I told her that I wanted to meet me and see me and know that I was a real person with real kids that she hurt. She asked if I thought she was evil, if I would ever forgive her. I told her that she hurt another person very badly and that she would have to live with that blood on her hands and that she would have to find a way toward forgiveness for herself. (i.e. not giving you a free pass honey!!).
She is very concerned about her husband and family finding out. I told her that I would be too. That I wouldn't want to live every day for the rest of my life wondering when the phone rings or the mail comes if that would be it. I told her that the information is the the "public forum" as others know and that I can't control what happens to it. I also told her that I wasn't making any promises about what I may have to do to come to a place of healing for myself.
She was remorseful and contrite but she is also the one that helped nudge EO down the slippery slope.
So I made it through. Now that I have seen her is person, I think I can start to let her go. Oh, and BTW, I don't think that living with a massive secret buried is very good for the aging process. She is 4 years younger than I and she looks 10 years older and I have cried almost every day for the last 15 months.
Thank you all for your support throughout this. One down, One to go.
Refresh my memory though...when did their A end?