I just don't know when/how to end that....or if the extra stuff I feel that I need is even helpful
It will come, Whatnow, in time. There are no short cuts or quick fixes. However, a 100% remorseful, fully committed, consistent, owning-their-crap WS would make the time go faster (and easier).
Off to bed now..and hopefully no more dreams.These EMDR sessions have been bringing out some really vivid dreams, and all I want to do is sleep.
Good night all.
The good news... the therapist my IC recommended.. H said "I see you dismissed the guy right out of hand." Ahh, playing right into my plan.
I am intrigued though. H heard the conversation and all he said was "is she married?" That is his only priority. That no one can solve marriage problems without being married. So I'll call her back and make an appt if she is married.
I told H we could see two and decide then. I just can't see him liking someone who confronts him immediately, comes on too strong. But I could be wrong. He retreated into his "cave" right after a huge blow up. Which included him telling me he didn't have time to talk to therapists and interview them but I do because "you sit around here doing fn'g nothing all day long."
Tomorrow I'm going to ask him if he wants to stay married or he just wants things his way.
[This message edited by weepy at 9:30 PM, November 11th (Tuesday)]
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
it's all about James Hunter, now ;)
And here's the 180 link:
Got my IC soon. Better get my face on and hope i don't cry it off! Wish me luck.
FWH texted me about 100 X's at 2am. WHY is he doing the same with me as he did with her??? Part of me quite likes it, the other part wonders why he didn't do it for me before which then pisses me off. Is he just transferring a habit or addiction? Is this how he gets his validation? Does it smack of desperation? WTF does it mean? Ideas?
((HUGS)) UKG. I wish your days were full of smiles.
The proverbial shit hit the fan tonight when one of the therapists called me back. She swears she will know the first visit if we can save our M. Doesn't that sound kind of presumptuous?
[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:30 AM, November 12th (Wednesday)]
I hear that UK, all of it. I would like to tell you how much I hate the OW in your lifefor all that she has done to hurt you and how angry I am at your husband for being such a stupid, stupid man.
I am glad you are going to a new IC because you need someone to give you a hand to hold onto while you stabilize yourself and begin to remember just who and what you are. I don't know how to tell you to do that, but I have confidence that the IC will see that and help.
One thing I do know is that you have to uncouple yourself not only from your husband (talking in the abstract here) but from the OW as well. She is not a yardstick for measuring anything at all that is good or decent or should be retained. You must stop thinking of yourself in terms of her or of him. She is dung stuck on the shoe of your life. Scrape her off and go get yourself a new pair of Ferragamos.
As for him, he is like all of us, both good and bad, lovable and likeable and dislikable and hate-able. But what he is not, is you. You are your own person and you've got to learn to be that again -- next to him perhaps but apart from him, too.
I know you are struggling to see yourself and I well remember how painful that time is. So, let me tell you about the UK I've come to know. First of all, I've seen your pictures and you are quite a pretty woman. You know that, I think, so I'll leave it at that. Let me go on to tell you about the you I've come to know and the one I've seen flashes of over these many months of conversation.
First and foremost, I see a woman with a heart. One who gives to all, takes little for herself. A doer, a creator, a nurturer. Someone who does what needs to be done with a minimum of fuss, and yet a woman of style, one with wit and charm. An educated woman who does not flaunt her knowledge and perhaps who doesn't even credit herself for being as accomplished as she is.
I realize that little of that will sink in or be believed while you are in your current frame of mind. But I just wanted you to know that one person sees you this way and prays that your new IC will help you learn to see yourself this way, too. Because it is no longer about what your husband does or does not do, it is what you are able to do for yourself. I have faith that you will care enough about yourself to work hard on changing your attitude about who you are and what you have and can accomplish in the world. Once you begin measuring yourself by your own yardstick rather than someone else's your feeling of peace and serenity will expand exponentially. It is a feeling like nothing you will ever know any other way. I ardently wish that for you, UK, and know that you will get there without any doubt. You are an incredibly powerful woman, UK. Use that power to change your life.
[This message edited by BorrowTrouble at 7:32 AM, November 12th (Wednesday)]
I take son number one to the neurologist for tests today and H takes son number two tomorrow. Prayers appreciated.
Just wanted to send my thoughts and prayers for you and your sons today.
I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!
Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27
UKG - check in later and let us know how it went. P.S. makeup before therapy is a waste of time and effort (not to mention makeup)....I always cry it all off.
Sending positive thoughts your way BT.
I'm tired....feeling depressed I guess. Driving into work thinking how I hate my life, hate that I have to do this everyday. Feeling pitiful & pathetic.
I was journaling last night, wrote about how I had driven past OW#1's house yesterday (doesn't happen often) and I thought I should check her & her boyfriends (the "friend") myspace pages to see if she had delivered her baby. Bad choice...bad, bad, bad. Why did I go there? I had texted WH earlier in the evening suggesting sex, but of course my mood was lost...and then I felt bad for letting WH down. Anyways....I sat and thought about her happy pregnancy picture that was displayed and how WH never took ONE f'in picture of me when I was pregnant with DS#2, all when OW#2 was living with us- I asked him numerous times, but he never got around to it of course. Then I thought about her lovely new baby & all those memories....and the loss I feel around the memories of my babies & my delivery. Then I sat & looked at her smiling face, bautiful hair, fake boobs, beautiful smile & teeth and imagined them having sex- imagined her excitement, her huge sex drive with WH, the kinky sex they had, her giving him oral, OMG......why do I do this to myself? I've been dying since.
D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA
"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".
I know it is hard to believe now, but there will come a time when you are able to pick those lovely memories of yours out from the ruins that your husband created in your life. You'll have to just trust me on this because there is no way I can prove it to you. Those good times and lovely memories are not gone. They will live again, I promise.
I've been going back to bed after I send the kids off to school. I work twice a week, so those days I don't but otherwise I have. Sometimes until noon. I stayed up today and I feel better. Like I'm not hiding. One small victory at a time right?
I know everyone here knows how it is when you cant get out of that pit or whatever. I can hear the encouraging words, but itís like I have mufflers on or something. Iím disconnected from everything and everyone around me. H says how sorry he is and how much he loves me and how he wants to see me happy again but I canít feel it. And now he thinks I am moving away from him. He finished work at 6.30 and is driving for four or five hours to come home tonight. Before, of course, he would have stayed away. I honestly think I would be in a better place if he had announced he wanted a divorce instead of confessing to an affair and saying that he loved me. I would have HAD to pull myself up by my bootstraps and done what I do best Ė organise and get on with it.
Right now I have no power. My batteries are so low, all I can do is get through the day. I need to get strength from somewhere. Oh God, I have never felt like this in my life. Other survivors I know iRL didnít seem to still be so bad after over two years Ė or are they as good as me at putting on the act? Fucking hell. Serves me right for being so fucking complacent.
But thank you for taking the time to write that out. I wish there was a real corner with soft sofas we could go to instead of cyber-rooms to mull things over and put right the wrongs of the world. I hope those test results were what you were looking for. Please donít blame yourself!
WN Ė You WILL have those memories for you. Your baby, your child, your love. She was just a willing participant with no sense of right and wrong. And she will see the karma bus when her bf does the same to her. She may be beautiful on the outside, but sheís ugly as sin on the inside. Her bf will see that one day.
I had my IC with a new counsellor and Iím not sure it will work. Half of the trouble is I donít know what I want from it other than to stop feeling this bad and have some sense of direction. Right now there seems to be no point to anything. She is a ďPerson-Centred counsellor" with mental health nursing qualifications and she deals with low self esteem among other issues. This ďperson-centredĒ stuff seemed to be me prattling on about FWH and his issues while she listened. But it was only the first appt, I made another for next week. Iíll decide then if sheís any good. I was pretty shattered when I left. I started to cry afew times, but it was okay.
The one Iím seeing Friday is an ďAccredited Member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy with 23 years counselling experienceĒ She was my first choice. So weíll see.
Thanks for the support. (((((Tribe)))))
You are an incredibly powerful woman, UK. Use that power to change your life
Well said, BT.
The good memories will come back, WN. You will be able to sift through the rubble and pick out all the nuggets one day...you'll see.
Word of caution (learned the hard way):
Try not promise sex at this time; it sets both of you. HE will feel letdown and you will feel like you have failed. I know that at that moment, you really want to, but the rollercoaster is such a strange machine and you never know where your heart is going to be in an hour or two. So rather jump him when he is around (a very pleasant surprise, I'm sure), and if he is not, keep the thought to yourself.
Weepy, that MC sounds pretty arrogant to me. Hoping the next one is a better fit.
Same to you too, Ukg.
By the way, Ukg, do you think your H is trying to romance you? Remember how you mentioned a while ago that you wished that he would woo you like he did her (I hope i am not confusing you with soemone else ), and that you wanted a grand gesture...maybe this is what he is trying to do..win you back.
All the best with the testing.
Life here in the LH house continues to perplex me, and I try hard not to fall into an anxiety pit.
H still hasnt given me the passwords to emails etc and said he will do that when he is ready. he has also stopped checking in. Said that proved nothing and that I was welcome to call him anytime. Said that he will be deleting the keylogger. Said that he will no longer be scrutinised or checked on. That if I dont believe him by now, then nothing can change that. That he had given me access to his life not because he had to, but because he wanted to. Now that I have abused that and used that to control him, he has withdrawn that and has no intention of doing that again (as far as he can see).
says that if i dont like it, then I should call the M off, but he will no longer be disrespected by having his life examined or all his movements checked.
And my chiropractor tonight wanted to know why my body was so tense.
looks like we are letting go of each other....
watch this space.
BTI know it is late in the day but I'm sending my prayers for you, your H and your sons as well as the doctors caring for your sons.
Thank you so much for your wisdom and uplifting posts to the tribe.
H still hasnt given me the passwords to emails etc and said he will do that when he is ready.
and that you wanted a grand gesture...
keep my SI family in my prayers, esp. LTA tribe.
I was just writing up an assessment of a woman who I believe has major depressive disorder. Here are the relevant symtoms for a depressive episode (must last at least two weeks, but in practice usually lasts months.) You need five of these to meet criteria for a diagnosis.
1.Feelings of sadness that last all day
2.Decreased interest in pleasure in most activities
5.Psychomotor agitation or retardation every day
6.Fatigue or loss of energy
7.Feelings of worthlessness and excessive guilt
8.Diminished ability to concentrate/indecisiveness
9.Recurrent thoughts of death or outright suicide ideations.
From what you've told us, you meet most of these, as did most of us at some point through this process. I hope that the IC on Friday does a real assessment on you and sends you to an MD for some anti-d's in addition to doing therapy.
And one other piece of advice that comes from the psychiatrist I am working with.
You can lie to your spouse, to your parents, to your children, to your boss, to your friends, but never lie to your shrink. And don't hide anything either. They can't help if you don't tell them everything.
FNF, what's wrong with your sister?
Sadd - Around the 2yr mark seems to be classified as ďlong termĒ.
Anything we can help you with?
Thank you, UK, my WH's A doesn't qualify. (well the one or two he had on me - as opposed to the 20 year one on his XW).
Re my H, I dont know where he is coming from, or what is going on in his head. He said that he is tired of being beat up for what he did; thats it 2 years later and I am still on about it; that he is not cheating, has proved that he is committed to this family and has worked hard on changing...and if that is not good enough for me, then theres the door....
After a brief moment of insanity this morning, I realise he is right. I think he has tried the best that he can, that coming from a purely selfish self indulgent world to where is now, is a huge change and most definetly couldnt have been easy. However, the question is whether that is enough for us/me.
So I will carry on trying to rebuild myself and creating a new world for myself and the kids. I will get stronger. I will work on not being paraniod about him cos at the end of the day, I can not control him, nor am I responsible for his choices. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS CHOICES.
If he is "up to something" or building up a platform where it would be easier for him to do something...so be it.
He will end up the loser.
And per chance he is "not up something", and is truly committed to this family and M, but is just finding it challenging to make the adjustments, then time will tell.
Does any of this make sense? I am just tired of running around this merry go round with him. I need to get off this ride. Only I have control over that.
So this weekend is the big move and my internet connection is going to be cut off for a week.Yikes!
Ukg, hope today goes well.