I have met her on occasion through my dad, and she is really helpful. I do agree that he does need IC with an outsider. I will keep her since she is straight forward and no blowing smoke so to speak.
I have spoken to WH about telling the truth about affair. He swears affair did not last as long as it did, he has not had contact phone or in person since dday, there were no other affairs in past...blah blah blah.
I suggested a polygraph and he agreed (will see if he changes mind). He told me he would not back out of test once I schedule. I told him if he is willing to answer everything honestly, then we can continue to work on R. If he continues to lie, then we have no future together and I will file for D.
I will write down questions, and give him one last opportunity to be honest before test.
whatever the outcome of test is, it will be a type of closure for me. Even though I have always wanted the truth, it scares the hell out of me.
I will expect the worst, but hope for the best.
I need him to put everything on the table, so I can make the best possible decision for me and DD. If he is not honest today, he is not going to be honest tomorrow.
[This message edited by soheartbroken at 10:02 AM, August 29th (Friday)]
I hope you don't feel like I was putting you on the spot. I'm glad you feel like you have a good counselor and I'm glad your H is open to doing what you need. And generally, I think no decisions in the first year is a really good policy, but this
When he did leave, he took the keys to my car which was only transporation for me and DD. He told DD on phone when she called him, that he paid for car and Mommy needs to get her own. DD just turned 8, and she was crying when she got off phone.
concerns me. I understand firsthand dealing with the aftermath of an A is hard and things can get explosive, but I hope she came down on him for this.
He can stay with his brother for awhile. Like I mentioned earlier, he claims that I asked him to leave, and not sure if he actually believes this or trying to get me to believe it. Either way, pretty damn crazy.
I am thankful now that he did leave, since it was the best thing for me and DD. I think he was surprised that I did not call asking him to come back, and that I told him it is best thing for us all. Alot of crying on his side, maybe because he did not get the reaction he wanted from me by his leaving. No pleading just...ok bye!
I have been working on getting DD on a schedule after starting school, and making our home life as normal (in her eyes)as possible. I need to give her the security that was taken away after all this.
WH's mind is in lala land right now, and makes no sense when he speaks. He told me that he has not slept and cannot eat which is making it hard for him to focus at work. WH does not drink, take drugs, or smokes, so that is not a possible reason for his crazy mind.
I do not know if the lack of food/sleep/stress may have an affect on his thinking right now. I am not excusing his behavior, just trying to make sense of it. I do not believe he is still with OW, but anything is possible at this point.
I know when I had trouble sleeping, I could barely complete a sentence, and mixed up words alot. Again no excuse, just trying to figure out where his mind is. Probably pointless at this point.
The car thing was the worst thing, next to his affair, that he has ever done. I am still very very angry (not strong enough word) about this and so is DD. She told him she was.
When I spoke to counselor about what he did, she called him right away. She told him that it was illegal what he did since the car is community property. She also told him that it was our DD, who is suffering the most.
She called me back afterwards and told me I would have the keys back the next day.
I know he does not take drugs or drink, but acts similiar to someone who does. Is this fog or just plain insanity?
Next step is the polygraph, and I am intersted to see if he tries to back out. I need to move forward at this point, whether it is with or without him. Either choice is going to be a difficult one. yeah me.
If he takes poly and all is well, we still have so many other things to work on. First and right now, I need to get car in my name and other finances in order to protect me and DD.
I checked with WH yesterday and he told me that all bills are current. I called to verify all of them this morning (mortgage, light, car, phone, etc) and we are current on everything as of now. Nice to know I will have lights and a roof over my head etc. Geez this sucks.
If he refuses poly, or test comes back with info I cannot live with, I move on to D.
Either way, I WILL be moving forward, and that is a welcome change from the limbo that I have been living in.
Its been about 7 months since dday? If D is the only option available, then go for it. However, if you think there is a chance of R, could you hang on for a little while longer?
This time away will be good for both of you...giving both parties to clear your head and reprioritise.
For you, I would advise you to spend this time formulating a plan A and B (I do love my plans). Plan A can be your D option (go through what you need to do in order for this to go smoothly for YOU).
Plan B is the R option. Now H may have left (mine did a few times when things got too crazy for him at home and he ran leaving me holding everything), but the ball is in your court.
What do YOU need in order for R to proceed?
Make a list of everything, inclu your polygraph, with possible datelines.
You said you are trying to make life as normal as you can for you and DD...wonderful. This will help ground and reassure you that you CAN live alone, and that if you take H back, it is because you WANT to, KWIM?
Focus your energies on you and DD and moving forward. Sounds like you are doing a pretty good job thusfar.
As for your H's behaviour...it does sound like he is losing the plot.
Maybe this away time will help him make that fog lighter. JErk.
Also, if I were you, tell him that if he continues to upset DD, you will seriously consider curtailing his contact. The nerve of him to blubber to this little girl. Regret does come too late, doesnt it?
It must be incredibly difficult coming to terms with the fact that life as you knew it, was not.
I will echoe the others' sentiments in getting your WW to explore why and what she did. It is tempting to just go back to the way it was, but in your heart, will this bring you both peace?
And would you not question what is real and what is an illusion?
I think he feigns interest in me, yet he says part of OW’s attraction was b/c she was interesting and he liked conversation with her. Maybe she spent all the time talking about him and batting her eyelashes and smiling coyly?
Ouch. That hit a nerve.
One of the OW#2's qualities that he mentioned a few times, was how long they could talk for and how easy she was to talk to.
BUT when I ask him stuff about her (her fav colour, food, music etc)he knows nothing! Knowing how much he likes to talk about himself, and how little he is interested in other people, I can fully believe that he only spoke and she listened.Just the other night, I asked him if he was so sure she really listened, or just zoned out with a smile planted on her face?
Anyway, your H interupting you is, IMO, a sign of disrespect to you, and an obvious weakness on his side. Maybe its something he can work on in IC?
Take care for this weekend. You are doing great.
This must be so scary.
Keeping you and your men in my thoughts.
He thinks my H probably had an extremely high level of anxiety as a child but repressed it so thoroughly he didn't even feel it or recognize it in himself--a pattern that continued into adulthood.
That sounds eerily familiar to my H. In fact, one of his greatly admired qualities, is his calmness and steadiness in a storm. However, he recently discovered this was prob so due to his inability to "feel" his anxieties.
And so he took greater and greater risks to feel something.But those feelings just didnt last.
I am also trying to see how he uses me and my emotional state, to score a "high", because he prob cant get those feelings out be himself.
Take this last month for example:
He has been sliding down for the last 2 months, but refused to discuss this other than saying he was feeling depressed. COuldnt explore it with IC either.Just started acted out in small ways, which I ignored. Then he escalated this, until I couldnt ignore them any longer, and I broke. Which then gave him an opportunity to unleash all his accumulated emotions. Would you believe that he is now more or less back to normal (as normal as can be)??
Its like the last month didnt happen.
I dont want to even go there with him, without the benefit of my IC next to me, so I will let it be for now.
I also do wish he had taken up bungee jumping instead... or building model vintage airplanes( ).
Sending buckets and buckets of white light to all of those who are going through a tough patch.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Wh does not really see an issue here becasue it wasn't a "real" A just a good friendship... get this...OW and EA have now become good friends. How insistant should I be about NC with both? Really nervous here
You should be nervous. You should also be furious. If your H doesn't believe it is a "real A" then he doesn't get it at all which leaves him wide open to repeating his behavior. He clearly is not "owning his shit" if he has had one LTA and is still does not have appropriate boundaries in place with women. Has he read Not Just Friends? Also, since he is not putting boundaries into place, you need to. You need to tell him "no friendships with women unless the are frieds of the marriage". If he does not agree, you need to be willing to act. Are you?
ETA: fadingmemories - sorry, I forgot to welcome you to our little corner of SI. It will be very quiet around here due to the holiday weekend. Several of our members are away. I just stuck my head in to send wishes to BT. I am going back out but will check on you later. HS
[This message edited by hurtshirley at 3:36 PM, August 30th (Saturday)]
How insistant should I be about NC with both?
Print out the article in Healing Library re EAs, and show it to your H. And the fact that both women are friends!!
Been following the weather.
Hope you and yours are safe.
Take care, my friend.
You need to tell him "no friendships with women unless the are friends of the marriage
How do you even know that is safe? In my situation that is exactly what she was/became- a friend of the marriage, almost a closer friend of mine. Anyways...
How long should I expect myself to still be in shock? You'd think 6 months out that I'd be getting it.
WH & I went to his 10 year high school reunion last night. It went well...except at dinner, we were sitting with a female classmate of his, and her husband and they were talking about her job as a labor & delivery nurse. Remember just last week I was SO upset & grieving over the fact that OW was in the delivery room with me...(I think I posted about it) Anyways...this classmate goes on to say how she is SO priveleged to be a part of women's childbirth and how it's such a special & unique experience that a mother will NEVER forget...only happens a few times in a lifetime- that she still gets teary eyed because it's just so spectacular, amazing, etc. etc. OMG. I almost lost it. I tried to hold it together, WH rubbed my foot to let me know he was there for/with me but that made it worse. I had to leave the table quickly before I lost it. I ran into the bathroom & cried...got it together, came out & WH was there asking if I was okay- we went outside & talked and I was in a really negative space but was able to gather myself and enjoyed the rest of the night. Wow. Just when you never expect something to hit SO strongly and BAM! The conversation couldn't have had worse timing with my struggles earlier this week & the year anniversary of OW being in the birthroom being today.
Happy Birthday to my baby- he's 1 today!
D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA
"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".
BT. Saw and heard on the news. And hoping Gustav blows itself out before it gets to you and Hanna passes you by. Keep safe. (((BT)))
HB, picked your antiversary date up late, but hugs to you to and well done to have got here without the big build up! I hope to be in the same place as you next year. (((HB))) Let us know how it went.
Brooke, just a thought. Perhaps he would “feel” something if he had an affair? Or something to rock his even keel? Now he cannot be completely without feelings – guilt made him physically sick in the first instance. When you confronted him with the voicemail, he was obviously very worried. He broke down in the doctors surgery. I don’t think it is very much different to the others here. Life bowls along, we are seeing to general day to day stuff, they have their role in our lives, but somehow they are looking for something else. When the opportunity planted itself in front of him, he thought “why not?” After all, it wasn’t as if you were going to be affected b/c you were not going to know. And when he was found out, his world was about to collapse. Didn’t you tell him to pack his bags? It’s not the lack of feeling, it’s the ability to keep it under control. He could be like the swan swimming against the current – all serene on the surface and paddling like mad underneath. Meantime, you have always displayed your worrisome nature, so there was no need to openly fret as well. Does that make sense? And, of course, it is a family trait. Like my family – don’t get over emotional, it just isn’t socially acceptable. Cry at a funeral, but don’t wail uncontrollably. Don’t show yourself up during childbirth. And if your spouse has had an affair, don’t discuss it, just get D’d or get on with it.
SoHB, what kind of questions are you going to put to your H? It sounds like he really doesn’t know what to do to get his life back. He wants R, but at what point are you prepared to let him back? I think it’s only fair to give him the lie of the land from your POV. OW has been thrown under the bus. His life is in turmoil and he is uncertain of any future with you. He blames you for your DD’s attitude b/c while it was him that had the affair, he sees it was you compounding the problem by throwing him out. I would suggest to get some definite goals in place, and soon. Don’t be too reliant on the polygraph, that will tell you nothing about the person in 12months time. Be firm, be consistent, be compassionate (says she …….!) and be gentle on yourself. And remember that the D route is often the one you have no control over. Once those lawyers get papers flying, it is very difficult to stop. The animosity sets in and that works to get you further and further apart. And there is only one outcome.
LostH. Sorry that hit a nerve! Sometimes he can talk and talk and talk and I glaze over humming and uh-uh-ing in the right places. But he doesn’t listen to me, well he does and he doesn’t. But I do realise that his favourite subject is – whatever HE wants to talk about.
Fadingmemories – hi to you and feel free to join our corner. There are many articles about the slippery slope from friendship to an affair. They all seem to start out the same way. And at some point, the “friendship” gets a cloak of secrecy and moves on to a PA. You have every right to be suspicious. It need not be physical to be classified as an affair, a clandestine relationship is simply inappropriate. And what is more, once you have been affected by the 40-ton truck of infidelity, anything that the BS is not happy with is shown the door.
(((((WN28. ))))) It’s just so hard when your head is screaming “shut up, shut up, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!” and you can’t think of anything to say to change the subject. Horrid.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 1:45 PM, August 31st (Sunday)]
Welcome fadingmemories. I agree that it seems as if your WH isn't aware of the "problem" or is trying to minimize it to continue with the OW. I would set some ground rules and he needs to understand that if he's already had a PA he NEEDS to be more transparent and be willing to work with you on your suspicions, etc.
OK. The match. The away weekend. We won the cup, btw.
It was the hotel. The stumbling block. I fucking hate hotels. Their little tryst places. Their fucking ground. The arrival, the room, the pre-dinner fuck and shower, the dinner, the drinks, the kissing, caressing, shagging, sleeping, morning coffee. Lounging with last minute pleasures before having to get dressed, breakfasted and checked out with him paying, of course
I couldn’t and wouldn’t have sex with him – I think he knew why. But there was touching and stroking. He did ask that I make an effort to enjoy it, for my sake not his. Everyone was there and it was just so hard. Wearing that fake smile and playing happy couples. It was hard b/c I knew it was exactly what OW would have LOVED. The buzz of being there, getting introduced to all his sporting friends, wives and families, the players, it’s all stuff fans dream of and I just think I don’t want to be there b/c it’s what she wanted. She wanted to not be a secret and she to have been with him. And she will have known we were there. In the past, he would have texted her on every match that I was at too. And I hate that.
I know she will have made a mental note on this and possibly watched it on tv. She wanted to go to a game with him, she wanted to replace me. The affair has taken away another something that I assumed was mine and ours.
So why does it have such an impact? Why can't I do as he asked? Somehow enjoy the weekend and let it go? I kept thinking (at the game) of how much she would have loved to have been there. And the players. It was indescribable. My heart bending and aching with wanting to not be there. So, so sad.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 3:14 PM, August 31st (Sunday)]
That must have been awful.
BUT YOU MADE IT, SISTER!!!
Well done you.
And happy birthday to your baby.
I never really got 1year birthday parties for babies..I think it should be a well-done-you-made-it-through-the-first-year party for us parents! AND we should get the pressies as well.
My dear friend,
You have been going through such a rough ride lately, and I wish I knew how to help. I know what an ernomous strain it must be playing happy couples. How was H with you? Did you feel his remorse this weekend, or did he take on your "get on with it" attitude as par course?
Anyway, at least you got to reclaim this event. Wonder if pathetic OW was blubbering by the TV.Then again...who cares, right?
Right or wrong, I treated all women we came into contact with, alone or as a couple, as dangerous after dday..and I am sad to admit, I am still very wary of people. Draw a fence around your M, and put everyone out, IMHO.Let them earn their way in. Unfort this only works if both of you are on board with this. My H is still working on it.
How long should I expect myself to still be in shock? You'd think 6 months out that I'd be getting it.
Sweetie, I am 2.2 years out...and sometimes I still find myself just plain dumbstruck.
Take it easy on yourself, ok? You have been dealt a severe trauma, and noone would expect you to be over it at 6 months.
(((((Whatnow28))))) That must have been so difficult. I had a mini version of that yesterday. H single brother who is still young and having fun and partying had a small hickey on his neck. It was right were H was about 5 years ago, the morning after he came home at 3 am. his mom was there and we were walking out the door. I got upset said something, he blew me off and for some reason I let it go. he got 2 mysterious 'wrong numbers' at the mall. i let that go too. After seeing his brother's hickey, it was all I could think about (that night). I didn't say anything though.
(((soheartbroken))) Sounds like such a rough time right now. i am so sorry. maybe a little break will help things cool off.
Things here are not much different. I have found that since I complained about the no sex and the porn and all that H has not looked at porn since, so I guess that is a good step. Still no sex and I don't blame him for not trying. I probably wouldn't allow it now anyway. We need to go to MC next week and figure this all out. There is too much hurt and felling pitied and I just can't even begin to go there.
I am still feeling like I am holding on by a thread but school starts this week and I think that will help. A bit of distraction from it all.
(((UKG))) You seem to be having a particularly hard time this summer. I am sorry. It's so hard when all your memories are just clouded and ruined by the A. Even the things you may have once enjoyed (watching your H games) seem ruined now and that just sucks.
Prayers BT stays safe!!!!!!
Today has been up & down because we've been talking about how the day went a year ago...how contractions were, how we got ready, when we got to the hospital, etc. and it all includes OW. So, while it's been nice to think about & remember it's also been a trigger and sad to think about how involved she was. PLUS...it didn't help that I realized yesterday that the baby was born on a Friday...which means OW & WH spent the whole day at home (I worked that day too before going into labor) so they probably had sex before WH met me for my Dr.s apt that afternoon. How sickening is that??? Sex on the day our child was born, sex the same week as we conceived that child, the last sex was on my oldest sons 3rd birthday....OMG, all the dates are tainted, all the holidays are tainted. Hurtshirley, you're right- it's all hell.
((HUGS)) UKGirl- WTG on winning the cup although I'm sure it was very very difficult to get through. That feeling of what she would like, almost wondering if he would rather be with her instead of you, mind movies that are too real & too close to handle....WOW.
LH- Thanks for making me feel "normal" I guess from your statement I should expect to be shocked forever possibly. Who AM I married to again? Who is this person? and WTF did he do? REALLY? This is NOT a bad dream???
SoLost- sorry to hear of your similar experience recently. glad to hear that your WH hasn't been looking at porn...although if it were my WH I'd be more worried that he was taking extra measures to cover it. Hope that you can discuss those issues at MC.
Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. We are safe in central MS just waiting and watching to see whether our city makes it through the storm.
Two cats, two dogs, two teenagers and two adults in the only hotel room we could find. If I come out of this sane it will be a miracle.
Hope everyone is hanging in this weekend.
I just want to say a big thank you for your support. It was a horribly trigger-ful weekend, but I knew this tribe understood where I was at and why. I can’t tell you how much it meant to know I had a cradle to keep me going. And thanks for the firebombs I lobbed out as I went down and back up the motorway!
BT. Hope things have not been as bad as predicted. Watching and tracking the weather and thinking of you and yours. Stay safe, in the end that’s all that matters. (((((BT)))))
SoL, sometimes routine is exactly what you need. It’s something to hang on to. Hang in there til term starts. We have another week to go here.
WH28. I cannot imagine the conflict of feelings you must have. Try to think of DS1&2 and what they are to YOU. The joy of their being has to be paramount. Your H was just a selfish fuckwit. And OW even more so. Unbelievable. But, here you are one year on and DS’s birthday is for YOU. Beautiful age. I loved them through that baby/toddler time. They smell so sweet and smile so readily. >>>sigh<<<
Who AM I married to again? Who is this person? and WTF did he do? REALLY? This is NOT a bad dream???
LostH – and how was your weekend? A little better than of late I hope.