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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I I I
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, November 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your suggestion re weight loss. What I wouldnt give for a quick fix.

Oh and Shirley...

Is there a decadent fruit that you like?

We so live on different planets!!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, November 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there a decadent fruit that you like?
We so live on different planets!!

Mayyybbbeeee not...what about chocolate covered strawberries?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, November 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I donít think the ILís are planning to say anything. They were mortified enough when we told my parents when their real anniversary was. My parents reaction? Well, these things happen, you were in love and got caught, but things worked out, so why would we be embarrassed? Now what they would think to MILís EMA is another matter. I donít think they have ever had much time for people who ďplay aroundĒ. So I doubt they will out FWH to my parents. If things are difficult when they meet up on Wed, thatís not my problem. Although I think Christmas will be discussed.

And DS1ís gf. I couldnít leave her stranded at either the airport or at the next town. I live in a rural area and the public transport is crap. It was only 20mins up the road, I got no prob with that. Taxi? Unlikely on a Mon night. I didnít mind. It meant I could put off the ironing!

Chocolate strawberries Ė count me in!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, November 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there a decadent fruit that you like?
We so live on different planets!!

Well, I just had Mrs. Prindable's caramel and chocolate coated apples. Does that count as a fruit if it's 1000 calories each?! LOL Otherwise, fruit and decadent do not go together!

Everyone seems to be having big things happening, good and bad.

Yeah, the MC session was intense. He went today for his intake interview. Instead of an outpatient program, they put him in a partial inpatient program. Seriously. He happily (ok, maybe I can't go that far)
agreed to it. It will be for 2 weeks, 5 hours a day. Group and individual counseling with speakers at times. He doesn't seem to be dreading it as much as I would. lol

Honestly, LH, I have stopped taking care of him the last year. Never ask about his sugar, thankfully have not had to call 911. I do wake up and check if he is breathing, but I use to ask him every morning if he was okay and I have stopped doing that. He doesn't know I check his breathing. He also had a stroke at 35, so lots of health issues related to his lack of care with diabetes.

MC think he is inadvertently trying to kill himself. That he thinks he's not worthy to take care of himself. Interesting, and really does make sense. I hope this therapy helps. I really do. He has it in his head that it will, so sometimes that is half the battle.

UKGirl, I take it ds is not so in to the girlfriend. Does she know that?

My brain is fried. Honestly, I feel like I am no help to anyone some days. other days I can focus. I thought after a year it might be a bit better than this.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, November 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Healingmyself!

______

About how I am waiting for his big breakdown,. his declaration of sorry and tears and feeling horrible and all that

I think I'm looking for that to re-assure me that WH is "normal" and not completely lacking emotions. I know he's really working on this with his IC, they talked today about his emotional dis-connectedness....but I guess the pain of that is obviously immense.

_____

Seriously. I feel ashamed of what HE DID. I don't want people to know because I want them to think they I/We are normal but we ARE NOT and I am ashamed of it. Also, it made me realize really how deeply this HAS hurt my self-esteem. I have been telling myself that I am okay, that this is about him and not me, blah de-fuckity blah. But, the truth is that I feel worthless because of what he has done.Ē

Right after D-day I struggled a lot with how WH's co-workers would also view us & our marriage. I don't really think about it much anymore- I don't really see any of his co-workers but it really saddens me that they see us as this broken couple- another statistic. And....the stupid wife that follows. It kills me to think about how many times I would tell people about how WH's co-worker/our friend was living with us & watching our children....and how I would assume other people would think that was a wierd situation but I always had that innocent trust. I talked to WH about this some the other day, how I missed the few tiny clues....I know there was only a few, and they were tiny....but jesus, maybe I should have been a little more cautious since the bitch was living in my house. God, do I feel fucking dumb.

________

I consider often that we do stay because we were so damaged by this

I think for me it's more that I had never once considered myself without WH- I didn't know what to do because my brain couldn't even process it. There's a million things I would like to change about D-day. Also, I'm more scared of being a single parent & struggling financially. I hate to say that affects my thinking but it does- immensely. I don't want to date again....let alone with the baggage of having 2 small children.


_______

there was at least some element of it that our H's viewed as boosting their reputations, rather than harming it.

Ya...for WH it was the "friend" I was talking about recently- He thought WH was the greatest f'in guy because he could manage his wife, family, and some action on the side. He idolized him and WH admits he enjoyed it because the "friend" put WH as so much better than he was. I'd love to remind this "friend" that this is like idolizing any man who could pick his wife next.

_______

I was not able to reconcile with my husband until I was absolutely sure that he no longer viewed his affair as either a badge of his attractiveness, or of his independence

I guess this is compartmentalizing....my WH said during the A he viewed other cheaters harshly but he was somehow "different". it wasn't hurting anyone. Maybe he just tells me he sees them harshly to make me feel better....who knows.

______

WH had IC today- They again talked about him finding the pics of his parents having sexual relations with another female....and his emotional dis-connect.

we have MC tomorrow and my first IC appointment.

WH & I have been talking quite a bit again. I was triggered Saturday night by a couple of shows on TV. Tonight I had to get out the paperwork from when we purchased tires and that was a trigger because of the date when we bought them- It was the night after we all (OW included) went out to a comedy show & drinking & dancing for my birthday/Valentines. Earlier that same day WH & OW were outside of my house burning the naked pictures she had given to him for Valentines after he had given her the "love letter". The love letter kills me because he doesn't/didn't tell me that I'm beautiful, am/was a great parent, that the past 2 years was "great", blah blah blah. WH always says how it was written to butter her up & make her feel better about the situation. How am I supposed to believe that???


One more note- An online friend/acquaintance wrote to me because she just found out her husband has been having an A. I told WH about it and he said (and it sounded so emotional) Wow, that must be difficult for her. WTF? What about your own wife who you've destroyed? I dont get it.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, November 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKGirl, I take it ds is not so in to the girlfriend. Does she know that?

I hate to say this, but I see a lot of H in him. He canít be the dumper. When sheís gone, Iíll have to tell him that he has to do the killing kindness and do it swiftly and cleanly. Otherwise itís death by a thousand cuts and cruel to boot. The same way WH was with MOW. One text he sent her a couple of weeks before dday was something about he had been consumed by her for xxxx days of his life. I mean, hardly sending the right message was it? But he said thatís what she wanted to hear. And I hear the same words fall from DS1ís mouth.

It will be for 2 weeks, 5 hours a day. Group and individual counseling with speakers at times.

Wow!!! What sort of effect do you think it will have on you? Is there a final goal or purpose to this kind of ďtreatmentĒ, primarily a self esteem one maybe?

WH always says how it was written to butter her up & make her feel better about the situation. How am I supposed to believe that???

Errm. See above. I think itís all part of the ego boost that they can push the right buttons and bathe in the shower of open adulation. Of course, that will never, ever, in a million years, work with me b/c I just look at FWH and think/say Ė thatís what you said to OW. Didnít mean anything for her, so why should it for me? Canít help it. Sad, really. Very sad.

What about your own wife who you've destroyed?

Didnít he even say sorry to you? Or hold you close? Or kiss you saying he understood how that must hurt you? I donít get it either.

Text from FWH sent at 4am. ďNightmare. Awoke to find it was true. Sleep banished. Death by remorse. And through it all I love you. XĒ I sent one back saying pretend I was there and go back to sleep. Then:Ē ÖÖ It changes nothing. You are slipping away from me, inch by inch, and Iím powerless. Controlled breathing. Now turn it off.Ē And how many times did he say that to her when she tried to end it? I donít know whether to feel sorry for him, contemptuous or angry. Although I felt soooo bad the other day, I used the D word. He asked what I wanted to do that day, I just said ďI want to dieĒ. Iíd not said it out loud before.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, November 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((UKGirl))) Sometimes saying something like the word die outloud takes the power out of it. To think it, secretly, makes it way more loaded than to simply talk about it. You H is very eloquent.. I don't think I would know what to do with that.

t will be VERY intense treatment it sounds like. Mainly to work on the diabetes and taking care of himself, as he will die otherwise. He has never had a caretaker, never learned how to care or himself. When he was diagnosed at 12, he was having twizzers and a soda for breakfast every day. He was thirsty on the way to the hospital so his mom got him a slurpee (sugary, icee drink). His sugar on admission was 999.

His mom to this day will ask if he needs his needle is his sugar is low. The needle lowers his sugar. How a mo of a diabetic could not know the fundamentals is beyond me. But he never got told to check his sugar or do anything else for that matter.

There will be a day or two that I have to go in as well for a family session. The speakers will be about nutrition, spirituality, communication, etc. I a hopeful.

All this talk about being ashamed that he did it. I can so relate. I have not told anyone IRL, other than one friend of ours and she never, ever brings it up.

It's our dirty, dark little secret. Both MC have tried and tried to talk me in to telling someone, anyone. I can't do it. I think it's the shame.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, November 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK and others who are stay-at-home moms,

I honestly think that one of the things that we need to do as soon as we can after d-day is to find something outside of our families that can remind us who we are apart from wife/mother.

We tend to lose ourselves in those two roles and when d-day hits we have no other anchor outside family to help stabilize us. In my case, I had gone from high-powered career to stay at home mom with a small biz (very small). But after d-day I let that biz die and it was a mistake. I had nothing but time to sit and dwell and no focused outside activity to give my life form and substance.

Eventually I got involved in a volunteer program for abused kids and I think it really helped my healing immensely. It reminded me of who I was and the good I could do. It was a perfect counter-balance to the self-esteem hit from the affair. It showed me that I was a person of worth and value, which I knew intellectually but did not believe in my gut because my husband's actions showed me he didn't care about that.

UK, this might be something you want to consider. Get involved in something outside your home. Do some good for your community, for a kid who has no one else, for the environment, for animals. If volunteer work is something you have always done, then maybe it's time to find a job. Or run for office. Or write a book. Something that reminds you of the strengths and talents inherent in you that you've forgotten are there.

I see so many of us that have felt so completely devalued by what our spouses have done. Finding an adult activity not tied to family really helps. It helps to re-establish you as a person. For so many of us, that is really crucial after d-day.

BT
**********
LH,

We have had a double-hit on the medical front. My younger son had an incident of altered consciousness last week after a long run in training at school. They believe he might have had what they call an absence seizure. So both my boys will be at the neurologist this week having tests done.

I feel so bad about this because my brother has a severe seizure disorder and I had a couple of seizures in college, so it is clearly through my genes that this is coming to my babies. I want to apologize to them and beg their forgiveness, and yet I can't of course because I don't want them to think this says something bad about them. So, I downplay it and encourage and support and sit alone late at night and feel guilty and cry inside.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, November 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's our dirty, dark little secret. Both MC have tried and tried to talk me in to telling someone, anyone. I can't do it. I think it's the shame

Yes, it is. I had NOOOOO intention of telling this woman. I just had too much wine, they started talking about people in town/getting divorces/the whys, etc and I just lost it. Completely came unglued. She took me into the study and I was sobbing and telling her that H had been unfaithful. What I have learned is they don't necessarily need to know the full extent of it (and in my Hs case they probably wouldn't believe it anyway ). She has been so understanding. We went for a walk on Sunday. Today we went again (realllllyyyy early) and it felt great to have someone IRL to talk to about it. So far, so good. She doesn't seem judgemental just concerned.

Anyway, that is a very long-winded way of saying that it really helps to have someone IRL to talk to if you can find a way to open up. UKG, I think your parents would be more than understanding. In fact, they probably already suspect. They know "something" is up and you have confirmed that it is not financial so that doesn't leave a lot of options. Also, I have told my H more than once over the last year that I just wanted to die. It seemed like the easier solution.

To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd.

But then I think of leaving my kids without a mother and I just .

BTW, So Lost, your H sounds like an "externalizer". Someone who thinks that everything that happens to them is caused by something else. They have no self-responsibility. They think it is all up to others and the outside world to decide their fate. I bet this treatment will be great for him and make him see that his health is HIS responsibility.

HealingMyself - you have been so helpful to many in Wayward. Do you want to tell us your story and let us help you?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, November 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, So Lost, your H sounds like an "externalizer". Someone who thinks that everything that happens to them is caused by something else. They have no self-responsibility. They think it is all up to others and the outside world to decide their fate. I bet this treatment will be great for him and make him see that his health is HIS responsibility.

You hit the nail on the head! Even when he signed up for the brief class, he couldn't really understand why it was his fault if he filled on the stuff out but they never called to remind him. I think he even feels like the A just happened to him. he screwed up initially but then it just kept going...

Did you tell the woman in front of others? When you walked, did you talk about it?

I told one person. A good friend of H from college that I am now friends with and she told her husband with my consent. I had one big long throw -up of a conversation with her and she has not brought it up since. Has not said how are you, do you need anything, nothing. In the initial conversation she said to let her know if I need anything. I just don't know how to do that. I don't really know what I need. Maybe for someone to say Are you okay, do you want to talk. But I can't see asking for that after all this time of her never bringing it up. Even when I mentioned it, she gets very uncomfortable and doesn't say much. I have only done that twice. So you see, I cannot see how saying anything to anyone else would help. It would just make everyone uncomfortable and I would know they would all be looking at us different.

As I type that I can hear the MCs in my mind. lol. By telling everyone, you take the air out of it, bring it down to your level they would say. You have put too much weight on the secret and that is why you would be uncomfortable and why she is probably uncomfortable.

I hate when I hear them in my head.
I am thrilled for you that you have someone to tal to. One of the MC asked me once wouldn't it be great to just have someone to call to say how much a a jerk of a husband you married? lol H was there. He asked how I got that kind of stuff out. I guess I don't, other than here occasionally. He didn't think that was the same. It would feel good.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, November 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, BT. I understand really. I hope everything works out for the best for your boys.

Really short. My mother was adopted so we didn't know much about her FOO. We knew some because she was raised by her own granparents, but both her birth mother and father were flakes and the family didn't have much to do with them.

Anyway, both my children are visually impaired. The doctors say congenital, not hereditary. But after the doctor told us when I was pregnant with our son that there was a 25% chance he would also have the problem, I knew genes had something to do with it. Either the way ours mixed or somewhere back probably on my mother's side. She had an aunt that no one ever talked about much who wore dark glasses all the time, never married, didn't work. Was kind of hidden away. My mother figured she might have been blind or severely impaired.

My H and I went through terrible guilt. He because he was sure his past drug use was the cause. We didn't find out about my mother's aunt until much later and I had already accepted their disability and went to work making sure they had every advantage they needed. Meanwhile, H is carrying that load, figuring he was the cause and distancing himself from both children because of it.

That's why I think the seeds of the affair personality were sown right after our son's birth and diagnosis.

I can "hear" that you know in your brain that you shouldn't feel guilty. You had no choice about your genes. And this is not devine retribution for any "crimes" you committed. You know that. You are just heartsick that they would have to carry this. As a mother you wished it had stopped with you, let you carry this burden. That's just being a mother. (((BT)))

Well, I started my third part time job last night working for his brothers in the dental office. It was fine, good to be out of the house, but I was slightly freaked out the whole time leading up to it because H would be home alone. And his calling me to say if I called and he didn't answer the phone it was because he was next door finishing up some details on the roof he did on Sunday trigger the hell out of me. He used to do that too to cover up his missing hours... tell me he'd be incommunicato, but not to worry. I also found out DD didn't get home until late and he walked in with her at 7 PM. Guess I'll have to make a point to see the neighbor and ask if H finished everything for him last night in the dark.

Well, better check in with the #1 part time job and log some hours from home.

LH, I'm on day 3 this week at the gym. I'm off my old pace by more than 1/2 mile, but I hope to have that made up by next week and keep this thing going!


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, November 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((BT))))))

want to apologize to them and beg their forgiveness, and yet I can't of course because I don't want them to think this says something bad about them. So, I downplay it and encourage and support and sit alone late at night and feel guilty and cry inside.

I am so sorry I didn't see this before. I must have been posting at the same time and then went to make tea. Please, Please, Please do not feel guilty. You know there is nothing you could have done or known to change this. Think of how smart and special they are. You gave them life!!! You know they are your joy and they will find a way to work around whatever the issue might be. Modern medicine can be a miracle. Please know that we are thinking of you and don't let guilt weigh you down.


((((((BT))))))


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, November 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I downplay it and encourage and support and sit alone late at night and feel guilty and cry inside
.

(((((BT)))))

What do you think they would say if you did apologise? They must be pretty smart boys (after all they're yours! ), and I bet they dont hold you accountable at all.

Lets wait for the tests then you know what you are dealing with. And hopefully the seizures will be a shortlived episode like yours.

Keeping your boys (and you!) in my heart.

Btw, how is your H holding up on this?

and big hugs, my friend.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, November 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BT)))) I totally missed that post! Goodness, seems as soon as we have kids we get this blanket of guilt over us. If there's not something to feel guilty about, we will think of something. Yes, you gave your children half of your genes. Containing intelligence and perseverance and resilience and compassion. You had seizures in college. Do you feel like less of a person or angry at your parents b/ of that?? Would you like them to brunt the gilt and shame for that? I imagine not. It is simply something that is. Something that you have prepared your children to be able to handle. You have no more control of what your genes are to pass down than anyone else. Would you have chosen not to have them so they didn't get those genes? Of course not! Enough self blaming. You are a great mom and they are lucky to have you, genes and all!


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, November 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to apologize to them and beg their forgiveness, and yet I can't of course because I don't want them to think this says something bad about them. So, I downplay it and encourage and support and sit alone late at night and feel guilty and cry inside.

Iím sitting by you on your sofa, holding your hand and telling you this:
Of course you know this is because you want to give them perfect health and a perfect life. We want to take all the sicknesses, pain and sorrow before our children have even experienced them. As mothers, it is our role to take care of our kids. Are you saying you would not have had children if you had known about this condition? Are you saying that your children would say that too? Would that have applied to you if your parents had known before conception? Of course not. It says nothing bad about them, it says nothing bad about you and it says nothing bad about your boys. You are a wonderful woman and a wonderful mother. I donít think your boys would have it any other way.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, November 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But then I think of leaving my kids without a mother and I just

There were times when it truly was the only reason I was still here, living and breathing. The times when I wanted eternal sleep, the overdose in the warm bath, the hoses connected to the exhaust pipe, the crash into those tempting barriers and signage at the slip lane to OWís. It doesnít matter how old they get, I know the effect on them and their futures would be far reaching and, in a nutshell, it wouldnít be fair and it would be unforgivably selfish.

I honestly think that one of the things that we need to do as soon as we can after d-day is to find something outside of our families that can remind us who we are apart from wife/mother.

I know and I understand what you are saying in the rest of your post to me. I am in this ridiculous state and I donít recognise myself. I am not who I was. I cannot do anything because I donít know who Iím doing it for or why. Iím frightened to act on anything in case it is misconstrued or wrong. I barely open my mouth these days for fear of looking stupid. I think I am so bad and horrible that my H couldnít stand to be with me and thatís why he had an affair. That he was constantly comparing me to OW and I was coming up short - after all, she has a better degree and an interesting job and she was such interesting fucking company. That nothing I have done I in my life has any value. That people are stupid to think well of me or like me or, heaven forbid, love me. I have stopped doing so much or be spontaneous because itís what H wanted to do or did with OW. Shopping together is so fucking hard. I hate hotels. I donít want him to watch me in the gym. I canít do Christmas. I canít finish the decorating let alone start another project. I donít even want to have another dog after this one dies. I havenít drunk Champagne since dday (we used to drink it to NOT celebrate anything), I havenít given H a massage since I met with OW, H has not been clothes shopping with me (he used to tell her what I had bought), I donít laugh at his jokes (she thought he was soooo witty), I donít like playing pool or darts (I bet she was rubbish). She knew so much about my life and she wanted to replace me so badly. She even though she could. H used to tell her he was the man he was (ha-fucking-ha) as a result of his life with me. Well, I donít want that life anymore, but I have nothing to replace it with unless I choose a future without FWH. And I donít want that either.

Iím really hoping IC will do something. If not, I will have to consider ADís. Jeez, I ramble myself into that downward spiral. Why canít I even smile anymore?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, November 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukg,
I sent one back saying pretend I was there and go back to sleep.

I know that was tongue in cheek, but you did make me smile at that!

***

He asked how I got that kind of stuff out. I guess I don't, other than here occasionally. He didn't think that was the same. It would feel good

I bet it would!
Your friend reminds me of my younger sister. She is uncomfortable with emotions and tries to avoid them even though she is a very caring person, in her own way. Reminds me of this one time she had a house guest and they stayed up chatting, when suddenly guest starts opening up about her family issues. My sister was horrified, jumped up and said, "Ok then! I think it time to go to bed.", leaving the poor woman .
And my sister never brought it up again.
WHen I asked her how could she, she replied that she just didnt know what to tell the poor woman, and she felt that the guest confiding in her meant that she had to find a solution and she just couldnt think of one.

SoLost, like I said to Ukg, you are not the sum of your H;s bad choices. It in no way reflects on you. It does help to bitch aloud to someone.But until then, how about allowing yourself a good old fashioned vent here. Give us your best shot!

***

LH, I'm on day 3 this week at the gym.

Way to go Weepy!
For my part, I am sticking not more than 4 biscuits a day with tea and no real choc during the week (diet muesli bars DO NOT count!).
Dont you just hate women who can eat whatever, and do no excercise and still fit into their skinny jeans.

***

UK and others who are stay-at-home moms,
I honestly think that one of the things that we need to do as soon as we can after d-day is to find something outside of our families that can remind us who we are apart from wife/mother

Hear hear!!!

As one ex-SAHM as of 8 months ago, I fully concur.

I love going to work. I love being someone other than a W and M, which is not to say I dont love being a M.
I know my confidence in myself is growing since then.
When dday struck, I was at loss, painfully aware that I had given up my career to be a SAHM and to also fully support H in his career, with the belief that he was working towards our future. I then found out that whilst he had provided for us, there was no "future"... all that time and money supposedly saved had been an illusion..all he had done in that time was fulfill his needs and escape from his responsibilities.
And I helped.
So there I was, mum to 3 young 'uns totally dependent on H(we are on his work permit) for finance, food and shelter.

Today, almost 2 years later, I know that should this M end, that I am able to fend for myself. We are moving to our own house, which we were able to purchase due to me working. Ditto the holidays we have been on.
It feels good.

And I know it wouldnt have been so easy to do if it werent for my Tribe.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, November 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dont you just hate women who
can eat whatever, and do no excercise and still fit into their skinny jeans.

LH, unfortunately, I hate most women, just because they exist and are in my H's area of operation.

Other than here and my SIL and my one GF, I have no faith in the sisterhood any more.

And since my H has no "standards", I can't even say "well, she wouldn't get his eye." She would.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, November 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Weepy!
How are you? I am so jealous that you and Fnf live close to each other. Having said that, Ukg and I are not that far apart..neither is brooke4, and we still havent been able to meet up again.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, November 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just responded and then DS#1 came along & I lost my post. AGH


Synopsis: Fireproof was okay but I was expecting it to be better- more emotionally charging, for WH specifically.

I had my first IC today- it went well. She wants me to work on whatever I need but did ask that I think about what's going on when I can't overcome the triggers...and she also noticed that I "edit" my needs- put everything before myself. I often feel like WH, MC, and now IC think I should be getting over the questions, thoughts, triggers, etc. and I feel extremely emotional when I think about having to let that go already. Maybe they're not even pushing me, but I feel like it....I feel like I NEED to know more, understand more, etc. I just don't know when/how to end that....or if the extra stuff I feel that I need is even helpful.

How was everyone elses's day?

I went to drop off the kiddos for daycare for my exciting day to MYSELF- and DS1's daycare was closed. She didn't send out a reminder and I found out later I wasn't the only one who tried to drop off a kid. SO- I had to scramble to make the MC & then had IC. Did have lunch but had to bring DS1, got my snow tires on and then ran out of time. No having my hair done, christmas shopping, no nice down free time. AGH.

((HUGS)) UKG. I wish your days were full of smiles.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


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