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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I I I
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, November 9th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe,

I often mention my weight issues, and recently I have really plied on the kilos, such that most of my clothes dont fit(and I got rid of my fat clothes a long time ago).

I try to eat healthy and am usually good with that, but in the last 3-4 months, I have really fell off the wagon and eat whatever esp my vices (chocs, biscuits, cakes). They are quick and easy comfort food. My IC believes that as I am emotionally undernourished, I compensate by comfort eating.

Now my question to the Tribe is:
How can I emotionally nourish myself by myself, esp when IRL, things are ummm...hectic?

TIA.:


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
healingmyself
♀ Member
Member # 19481
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, November 9th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say Hi,

I read here frequently and really get alot of support.

I have been afraid to write here because, well, because I really don't know why.

I am here now, I want to start being apart of this group, I hope I can find the courage and strength to write out my story, and share all the struggles and hopefully insights along the way.

HS, I have been reading all of your posts and I really understand your struggles, and embarrassment. I am so proud that you had the courage to share your story with this person, it is such a leap of faith to confine such a horrific situation with another person, but quess what you did it hurrayyyy for you
it is these baby steps that we finally take that will guide us to find our true selfs and regain our self-esteem.

Thank you all for being so brave writing out your stories and struggles, it is these things that have kept me fighting. thank you to all of you


BS 40+
FWH 40+
LTA 7+
M 15 years
D-Day Jan 08
one beautiful gorgeous 10yr son
trying real hard to R!!!

I was so busy preparing for the tornado, that I didn't see it coming!!


Posts: 1099 | Registered: May 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, November 9th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH, I have put on 45 lb since Dday. I had lost 65 just prior to it, so I've basically lost all ground. Nothing fits. I caught sight of myself in the gym mirror this morning and left the gym in embarrasment.

I'm just going to start there. Not looking in the mirror of course. Just make myself move for 20 minutes to start, then 30 again. I am off my time by almost 1/2 mile. And I really don't want to be there.

But that's what did it for me. I started working out and then the good eating followed. Kind of figured why kill myself at the gym if I was wiping out all the good work by eating my cookies and ice cream.

My motivation back then was "I want to have a sex life with my H again." I figured it was my weight and he had been so attentive and sweet up to that point, I wanted to "reward" him. Now I'm using the "I'm going to look good and you're going to lose me" revenge motivation. Hope that works.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, November 9th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH. Can you find even a few moments a day for a walk, even a short one? I believe . and i'm sure your IC will only agree it's good for you, emotionally as well as physically.


Welcome healingmyself. You are certainly safe here. We've all got your back.



too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, November 9th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart - MIG is right. Just try to take a walk every day. I will try to find a copy of an article that I read about people who are thin. The article was based on a study that said that people with the lowest body fat walked the equivalent of 4 miles every day. Some did this running. Some did it on machines at the gym (bikes, elipticaly, etc). However, it didn't matter how it was done, 4 miles per day seemed to "guarantee" being thin. I have a dog so I am kinda locked into walking every day. I don't walk that far but find it very therapeutic as well. As far as eating habits, do you have a favorite food that you can spoil yourself with that is healthy? For example, I love sushi. Yes it is expensive so I can't eat it aaaalllll the time. However, at least once/week, I treat myself to sushi. I feel so yummy after. Another treat that I love (but is not healthy) is dark chocalate covered almonds. I have 2 or 3 and I am good. Is there a decadent fruit that you like?

Welcome HealingMyself. This little corner of SI has saved me. I honestly believe that I would have gone right over the edge without the Tribe. Let us your story and let us help in any way we can.

I did go for a walk with this woman today and it was wonderful. She was not judgemental at all. For now, I believe that she will honor my trust. She has made herself available to me to talk to, to help with the kids if I need it, etc. She is on her second marriage (2 kids from the first) and she knows the pros and cons of staying vs. going. I hope to build a friendship with her through this.

BT - You out there? There is an Imago Weekend near us soon and we are talking about going. I am so stuck on the fence right now that I am hoping it will knock me off one way or another. I know you worked with an Imago therapist, did you do a weekend? Do you think it would be useful given my "stuck" state?

Weepy - can you let him take the lead on this? If he picks the MC and makes the appts it shows commitment to the process and, perhaps, he will be more invested in the process?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, November 9th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying to read along and keep up but a bit overwhelmed with my own nonsense. Thanks so much for those who thought of me.

MC on Friday....was intense. It was waaay more about H for most of it though. To be honest, I felt a little sorry for him b/c he was quite sick with a bronchitis kind of thing but the counselor's think I should stop feeling sorry for him. We talked a LOT about his diabetes and the fact that he doesn't take care of it, barely acknowledges that he has it. He takes his insulin every day but very rarely checks his sugar level...maybe a few times a year at this point. During the affair I called 911 almost 30 times. Yup. In retrospect, we believe the stress of it had his sugar levels going haywire. It was not unusual for me to wake up with him seizing next to me from low blood sugar. It has not happened since May of 2007. So 5 months before dday.

And that makes me so furious. He let me little children see that! I got punched in the face more than once trying ot help him or start an IV or whatever. His daughter at age 5 called 911 and now has major sleep issues with PTSD because of seeing him for hours on the floor. His sugar level that time was 18 if anyone knows anything about blood sugar. 18. The norm is 70-120.

After dday we right away talked about it in MC. He needed to show me he loved and respected me by checking his sugar. Nope. We talked about classes and such. He said he would do it. Signed up and on the way to MC on Friday (a year in to therapy), he tells me he missed the class, they never called to remind him. Seriously?? When do you start being a grown up? MC called him on it big time.

He got super defensive, they really hit him hard, I have to admit. I hate conflict, so it sucked big time. They even asked him if he needed to be hospitalized. He actually thought about it and said no it wouldn't help. But he readily agreed to intensive treatment.

SO he goes tomorrow for his eval. It will be about 3 hours a day, 5 days a week for atleast 2 weeks. He was completely willing and told the MC to call and schedule it. So he did.

We also talked about me a bit after that 40 minutes of drama. About how I am waiting for his big breakdown,. his declaration of sorry and tears and feeling horrible and all that. He says what he needs to, in response to me being upset, but nothing heartfelt. MCs both said that's just smoke. It's the everyday stuff I need to focus on. The holding my hand picking me up a little candy bar, whatever. That sometimes the guys blowing smoke up your ass are the ones still cheating and crying and telling you how sorry. he's here working his ass ff, he just doesn't have that capacity to reach his emotions the way I am expecting.
They think it is getting in the way. It is stopping me moving forward and they are right. Both said I need to realize that I cannot change a thing that happened in the past and I will never forget it, but I do need to look at his actions today if I want to work on this.

So there you go. H was an ASS last night at dd talent show celebration afterwards. We went for ice cream and it was a stupid fight but he embarrassed me and I was so mad. In front of 12 people at our table. I didn't talk to him for 24 hours. He kept apologizing that we had a fight. Umm, no, you were a jerk. Finally tonight we talked a bit more and it's okay.

I am just emotionally at my limit. I hope this therapy helps. It will really show what he is willing to do, that is for sure.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, November 9th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK Tribe...i am sitting here stunned..numb..my H just told me that on tuesday i will be presented with full disclosure..he wants to tell me some things first and then present me with what he's written,,he's written a fucking book for gods sake..

i have no fucking clue what he will say..could just be another "version" of course but fuck..
i almost dont want this..but if it is more lies i'll figure it out soon enough and this time it will be done..us i mean..i simply cannot do this annymore..
any advice on how to handle this?
god what will i have to drink tonight to sleep..he said he didnt want to spring it on me and didnt want to tellme tomm and have to leave for work and that he cant wait any longer either..fucktard shitbox


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
fadingmemories
♀ Member
Member # 20531
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, November 9th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,
Well I got through the weekend. My husband and i did not go to the Gathering of all our former students. Instead, my husband said he would like to host a gathering for them at the Holidays at our home and he would help to put it all together.

Another positive i would like to share; we talked a lot this weekend. He said that coming out of the fog for him started on dday because I was his mirror. When he looked at me, he could no longer deny who he had become. He said not only did the fog lift but there was an illumination of what was right. He called the A his long term personal catastrophe.


Me BS
Him FWS
Married 25 Years  Together 31
LTA 12 years
DDay 4/11/08
R 2/14/09
"No matter if you think you can or you can't...either way you are right"
Scars do not form on the dying...
only on the survivors.



Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: North East
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, November 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy - can you let him take the lead on this? If he picks the MC and makes the appts it shows commitment to the process and, perhaps, he will be more invested in the process?

Nope, I let him run the show last time. I wanted to quit that counselor a year before we did, but he didn't want "to go through it all over again." He set the standards "must be married, must have lots of evening hours, must be close." I didn't even have a reference for how to interview a counselor. He figured he was going and that's all that mattered. OH, I'll give him a voice in the process. Review the questions, what i found out about each of them and see what he says. But by the time I do that, I will have it narrowed down to what I think are the two best.

SoLost, it sounds like your MC is pretty good. I do agree that we have to look at their actions today, but like yours my H's are all over the board and I don't know which ones a real (the declarations of love) or the put downs.

mig, Tell him to put the "final" version in a sealed envelope. I would then suggest you take the letter or whatever. Ask him if this is it, there's nothing more, and then just put it away until he's not around to read it. #1 you can process the information without his face being right there (if there's new stuff) and #2 you can get him to sweat it out a little. See if there's a crack, let him sweat it out a little.

But remember,it's still not going to be all of it. It never is. Especially in LTA, there's no way it can be.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, November 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

“Seriously. I feel ashamed of what HE DID. I don't want people to know because I want them to think they I/We are normal but we ARE NOT and I am ashamed of it. Also, it made me realize really how deeply this HAS hurt my self-esteem. I have been telling myself that I am okay, that this is about him and not me, blah de-fuckity blah. But, the truth is that I feel worthless because of what he has done.”
“I consider often that we do stay because we were so damaged by this.”
“I know I was so broken for months after Dday that the only thought in my mind was "don't leave me, I'll do anything, just don't leave me."

Know what? I feel weak and pathetic for not chucking him out. I can’t believe how he brought me to my knees with those words “I’ve had an affair” and continued to do so with his lying. I feel stupid and worthless and naive beyond words. I hate for how others might view us. And I hate all that I know about his family.

MIG – Why Tues? Is this some sort of work up to the big act? I hope he’s gonna be around while you read the letter. Here – have my baseball bat next to you at the ready. Although I like weepy’s sealed envelope idea. Hold on. (((((MIG)))))

What made me think we were different? Safe and secure? What made me think we were an island in a sea of adultery and divorce? It was and is EVERYWHERE. All those M’s falling apart and I was Mrs Smug Married. Ugh, I hate myself when I look back, and hate him even more.

And now he has the perfect excuse – it’s in his genes. Not his fault, he was predisposed to having affairs. Let’s see, there’s his mother, his maternal grandfather with another family, his fraternal grandfather who would come home, get his wife pregnant and bugger off again back to his other family, his aunt who was at it all the time, a good time girl, and the rest.

And then, of course, there’s fucked up OW’s family. She has a half sister as the result of her father’s LTA, who was taken in and brought up by the family. H remembers going to a hotel where OW’s father was with his mistress, and he had to drag OW’s distraught mother back home. And WH went with MOW to lunch with her half sister and her H. Everything around him was saying infidelity was part of life, it’s just what you do. Shag around.

He has spent his life surrounded by selfish, dysfunctional people. Someone might at least have warned me.

He’s gone off for a few days. He did ask me to go with him. I said no. That was what he did with her. “I’m at so-and-so, why don’t you join me for a couple of nights?” No thanks, not my role. That belonged to MOW. I don’t know why his Dad wrote me that letter. It was rather vague. He had his way of dealing with it, but unless it was a LTA, I don’t think he can really give me advice. And I have the added problem of OW having been in our M all along, with H only thinking I might be the better bet since dday.

Another brittle piece breaks off me. Soon there’ll be nothing left but a pile of shattered fragments.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, November 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What made me think we were different? Safe and secure? What made me think we were an island in a sea of adultery and divorce? It was and is EVERYWHERE. All those M’s falling apart and I was Mrs Smug Married. Ugh, I hate myself when I look back, and hate him even more.

Boy, I could have written those words. And it does sting and I think always will.

I, too, am ashamed of what my husband did and the fact that it reflects on something as important to me as my marriage. I think one of the really grotesque things we have to realize about these affairs is that there was at least some element of it that our H's viewed as boosting their reputations, rather than harming it.

The stud factor, I call it, for one. And the "I can't be controlled by anyone else" factor. Male pride in both cases for which they were willing to sacrifice a chunk of our hearts.

I was not able to reconcile with my husband until I was absolutely sure that he no longer viewed his affair as either a badge of his attractiveness, or of his independence. When I was sure he viewed it as a sign of many things being wrong with him, then I knew he was a man I could live with and love again.

***********
Shirley, I would definitely go to an Imago weekend. We couldn't afford to do both that and the long-term MC and IC at the time, especially since I let my business die after d-day. But I would have loved to be able to go. The great thing about Imago is that it answers as many questions about ourselves as it does our spouse and our marriage, and I really needed that after d-day.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, November 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel weak and pathetic for not chucking him out. I can’t believe how he brought me to my knees with those words “I’ve had an affair” and continued to do so with his lying. I feel stupid and worthless and naive beyond words.

UK, this was the hardest obstacle for me to overcome. Chucking was the only option I knew. I wonder sometimes if I hadn't found this place, with it's remorseful WS, the success stories, if I wouldn't have thrown in the towel long ago and maybe been better off for it. At least when it was a "new" revelation, he would understand. Maybe he would have learned from it, actually seen the valid consequences of his actions. Maybe the affairs wouldn't be "just a mistake" to him.

And now he has the perfect excuse

They ALL have "perfect" excuses. If it's a lifestyle they'd seen, if it was their mother's harsh criticism, or MLC. But they are just EXCUSES. There is no excuse, ever.

Who didn't have FOO issues? My parents divorced over infidelity. My parents were so caught up in their personal hatred for each other that us kids were left to raise ourselves (and being the oldest, I was "in charge"). A father who had the "flu" every Sunday morning after being at the club Saturday night. A mother making snarky comments behind his back to us.

SO I married my father. I knew it years ago. I just didn't ever think I married an adulteror. His hypocracy in the face of how he spoke about my father is astounding. How did he justify that????? By not leaving me. THAT apparently was the big problem for him, that my father left for the OW. H made sure the OW wasn't "leaving" material, that's all.

We talked about his therapy earlier in his life and how the psychiatrist apparently told him there was nothing wrong with him, but something seriously wrong with his mother. So he had an 'excuse' for all of his behavior. He was fine, his mother made him crazy.

Yes, I get that having an overly critical mother would make you sensitive to error. But he had a wife who worshiped him. Who believed in him and stood up for him against anyone who dared to denegrate him. And that wasn't good enough either.

THIS IS THEM. IT IS ALL THEM. We loved and lived the best we could with what we were given. Made lemonade out of lemons. Fuck it was wrong, yes. But loving and trusting and standing beside them wasn't wrong. It was RIGHT! and they abused it.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, November 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks BT - I think we are going to do it. Yes, it is expensive but I really have got to figure out if I am in this or not. I have a hole in my butt from sitting on this fence.

(((((MIG))))) I would be prepared for "more". If you read my profile I had two ddays. The first was the confessions of the two LTAs. The second was all the others. You have said you suspected that he was not being completely truthful and it looks like you were right. Just a word of support, after dday #2, I actually felt something approaching relief. Everything for the last 25 years sort of fell into place. Those things, actions, words, etc that never made any sense now made sense. It also allowed me to see just how broken my H was which made it easier to know it wasn't about me. It was (and is) significantly painful but at least you will have the truth. Good luck and know we are thinking of you.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, November 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oops...double post

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 7:53 AM, November 10th (Monday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, November 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can I possibly not be a weak loser if I am still here and he is still here. Am I letting him off the hook, is he getting away with it all because he didn't lose me and the family?

HS - I used to be a hospice volunteer and whenever a family member died the first advice given by the grief counselor was to not make any major decisions for the first year. We hear that on this site all the time too. Afterall, we have all experienced a death and we are all grieving the loss of our M as we only believed it to be. You have just come to the end of your first year after d-day #2 and when you think back on that year and your emotional state, I think you will agree that just getting through each day was a challenge.
I remember my first year. I cried through most of the day, I fell asleep crying and I woke up crying. I even cried in my dreams. During those first six months, I couldn't eat, sleep, concentrate, or think of any other thing except what I had just learned about my H and M. My anger was out of control, my grief was paralyzing, and my head was so screwed up that making any major decision, I believed, was not in my best interest. I never beat myself up for staying because I knew, really knew, that I was doing what I had to do for myself during that first year and that all of my energy had to be used to get me back to a place where I could be rational and able to think clearly.
Please be gentle with yourself. This first year IMHO is all about survival and getting to a stronger place for yourself and yourself alone.
Having said that, I did have certain criteria that I demanded of my H and of course the very first demand was that the OW had to go immediately. I insisted on IC'ing for both of us, MC'ing, total transparency, all passwords, I insisted on him changing his cell phone number, and I also insisted on cutting ties with everyone associated with her with the exception of that one person who is now terminal with CA.
If he had not been willing to meet my demands, then first year or not, I was ready to walk away.
I think this is the way it has been with you and your H too. He is meeting all of your demands and that is where the conflict comes in because I think there are times, at least for me, when I wished he hadn't so that I could have walked away with no regret. This is a major piece as I see it, that we make sure that whatever decision we arrive at we know that we made our decision after a lot of serious soul searching and consideration for everyone involved, most especially our children. We would not be responsible if we didn't make sure that our heads were in a clear and stable place.
Now, as you enter this second year, you will be in a better place emotionally to really analyze your personal situation, considering all factors, and
coming to a decision that is right for you and your children. If I can help in any way, you know I'll here to listen. ((((HS)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, November 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another brittle piece breaks off me. Soon there’ll be nothing left but a pile of shattered fragments.

UKG - I worry so much about you when you talk like this. I wish I knew the words to convince you that you are someone lovable, valuable, and beautiful apart from your H. You do not need him to make you whole. If we stay or if we leave, I think it is absolutely necessary that we do so, not out of weakness or neediness, but out of a sense of strength and love of who we are completely separate from our H. Who can help you get to this place. Who is there for you that helps you build this self-love that I feel from your recent posts you seem to be lacking? When I was at my weakest, I was so fortunate to have my children and my sister and a few cousins who helped me to get to where I am today. We need others in our life who can help us to believe in ourselves again, who can teach us to love and respect ourselves even if we are not feeling these things. Please find that someone who can help you even if this is an IC or a close friend. My sister walked with me throughout this 3 year journey and I know I am in a better place because of her, and her love for me and her belief in me. We need someone like this to hold us up when we falter. Who can be this person for you?
(((UKG)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, November 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks FNF....keeping your sister in my thoughts.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, November 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry LostH – I’m not the best person here to dish out advice on how to emotionally nourish yourself, but I’d say a walk in the park is the best thing if the weather’s not too bad. And think about what you plan for the kids rooms in the new home. As to the weight issue – sugar is not good when you are stressed. It is a quick kick followed by a slump as your stress jumps with the hit, uses it and then falls rapidly, making you feel worse than ever. If it’s a point of the day (like when you get in from work), have a routine that allows you to have something, but not to carry on picking. A banana, say. Just a suggestion.
*****
Healing – do you have something specific you want to chat about?
*****
SoL. When is your next MC? Did they give you a goal meantime, or just for you H to look after his own condition? Mind you, if he can do that, it would be a big help. I have no time for people who want everyone else to see to their needs, so that when there’s a hic-cup, they can blame anyone but themselves. Like my FIL who also has diabetes. MIL gives him biscuits and stuff and says it’s okay b/c he’s been good. It’s a grown man, not a child. If he accepts responsibility for his health, he may be able to move out of this bubble where he is the one needing all the attention – to your detriment. Make sense? A year or so (maybe before) dday, I stopped doing ANYTHING for my H. If he asks me to get something (like a travel toothpaste), I might consider it, but it is NOT a priority. If he asks and I say no, I haven’t done/got/bought whatever, but perhaps seeing as its HIS need, he should do/get/buy. I don’t ask him to book my dentist or buy my tampons or take something in for repair. I’m so done with seeing to his every whim and need. I will NOT have him shift blame onto me anymore. Mini rant!
*****
Weepy – any further on the counsellors? Has H suggested anything more? And yes, the infidelity gene is just another excuse. Along with him not being chairman of ICI. And the stress of academic expectation. And, and, and. It was poor choices and he did it because he wanted to and he thought I would never know (unless he chose to go to her). A’s are about opportunity and inclination, someone once said to me.
*****
I don’t think FWH’s A was to do with any stud or male pride factor. No one else knew or had an inkling. Except perhaps H’s oldest friend who was towards the end of his 6yr LTA. I think he felt entitled to find out if he should renew the journey on that road with her, if she was the one he would rather be with. He keeps saying it was a huge mistake, but it was going to happen once he found her again. He had spent 25yrs wondering about her. I don’t think reputation as a macho bloke came into it. I don’t know if that’s preferable or not.
*****
FNF. Thanks for your kind concerns. I am just falling apart at the moment and having my parents up close on the heels of his parents being here just tipped me over the edge. I have two initial appts with new IC’s this week and hope one will measure up for me. I also have UGg2 (same name irl) who is watching her H behave boorishly towards her in much the same way as I was H when he was WH. She says “but he didn’t leave you”. That’s b/c I didn’t know. And it’s triggering FWH too.
I knew I’d get pushed about Christmas too, although my parents are far more diplomatic about raising the subject. Dad: “ I hope you don’t mind, but if you’ve not got anything on early Jan, we’d like to put upon you for a couple of days so we can go up to [his 90yr old sister staying with my cousin].” Too far for a single journey and we’re over halfway. Yes Dad, that’s fine.
“Will we be seeing you before Christmas? Perhaps we can meet if you are going to do the usual run down south in Dec”. Not decided yet Dad, but probably yes.
“And one more thing, I hope you don’t mind me asking. Now the boys are all at home, are you alright for money, are they paying you any rent, do they need any money. You know we like to help out and we don’t want the treasury to get anymore than the minimum. We’ve helped out nephew1, niece1, (etc) and just to say to let us know when we can send some your way”. No Dad, we’re fine. Really. Give them some money when they go to Canada.
He was rooting to see if our probs were financial. Gentle probing, not a bull in a china shop with all that theatre and drama.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, November 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Poor DS1’s gf. She’s gone back to Germany after being here for 6days. I gave her a big hug goodbye, some tissues and said we’re bound to see her again and wished her a safe journey. I wanted to say “they are NOT WORTH IT. Don’t cry, they really are not worth it.” They break your heart into little pieces and the love you have for them just isn’t felt in the same way. She’ll go home and miss him more and more, she’s not here and he will miss her less and less. I want to save her all the pain she will feel through her life. Look at me – don’t do it. Encase your heart in a plaster cast and don’t let them in.

DS2 said “She’s like that every time. Why do girls have to cry when you say goodbye?” I told him I cried when H was my bf and he was going back to the city for the week. He looked at me as if I was mad. “Nah …….. really?” But he hasn’t been smitten yet.

ETA: Well, she missed her flight, so she’s on her way back here. DS1 is not happy, he has work tonight. I’m going to pick her up from the next town when her bus comes in. Drama. I do not need drama.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 2:16 PM, November 10th (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, November 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome healingmyself.
We are a pretty laidback bunch, so anytime you are ready, just jump in!

***

Shirley, all the best with the Imago weekend. I mentioned it to H awhile back and he was not interested, and I wasnt keen to drag him there. From what I read (and what Bt says), it sounds like a good deal for both Ws and BS.
Be sure to let us know how it went.

Btw, why do you think you are stuck? Please get that disbelief out of your system. You are processing this monumental betrayal the best you can in the time that is right for you. And I think you are doing a superb job!

***

((((MIG)))))

I like Weepy's suggestion of the envelope as well.
And when youare ready to open it, then do it..work on YOUR timetable.
Is there someone IRL you can have for emotional support, just in case? You know you have us...but I would have LOVED to have had someone IRL just to hold my hand and just give me a shoulder each time a major disclosure came up.
You are in my thoughts, MIG.

***

SoLost, that must have been quite a session.

Do you think that he (mis)treats his diabetes like that because he knows you will "save" him and he thus relinquishes any responsibility? Or maybe he wants to punish himself?mAybe?

I wonder what his reaction would be if you did step back and tell him that you will no longer be responsible for him? That you have your own children and can just about manage to look after them (let alone yourself), and you really cant be doing this anymore. Do you think you could stick to this?
It must be so frightening for you and the kids...and its so darn selfish of him.

Do you think him being as asshat last night was some kind of passive aggressive response to the MC?

Enough of him, how are YOU?

***

Weepy, can you BOTH interview the MCs and make a decision together?
And hence both share the responsibility.

***

Ukg, it is evident that your parents know something is up. Please consider talking to them before the ILS's. They sound like lovely people, and they might pleasantly surprise you.

Sweetie, you are NOT the sum of your H's bad choices.
And he is a really fucktard if he is going to use family infidelity as an excuse (and a poor one at that!). I also have infidelity running amok in my family(past and present)and if anything, it made me even more cautious of crossing any boundaries as an adult.

Re your UKg2. Please please out yourself first. I know you want to help, but NOT at any cost.

Last scolding...can I ask why you are playing chauffeur to your DS's GF??? Jeez, if he is old enough to have a gf to stay over, then he is certainly old enough to organise transport for her. Who do they think you are???

YOU FIRST UKG!!!

***

Hi BT. Any news of DS?
I read somewhere that they have these sleep labs where they can assess the person whilst they are sleeping, and thus detect any unusual brain patterns.Is that an option there?

***

Hey Fnf!! Thank you for being you.

***
Buckets and buckets of healing golden light to any of you who are struggling.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

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