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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I I I
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After skimming since posting last night, I borrowed this from a thread in JFO cuz we all seem to need them:
[/image]http://thecrystallineforest.com/hugs/Hugs-hdr2.jpg[\image]

Now I'm going to read again and catch up.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops, trying again...

[/image]http://thecrystallineforest.com/hugs/Hugs-hdr2.jpg[/image]


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D**N! I am so brain fogged (CFS/FMS exacerbating due to extreme weather changes) I hate the Cold. I hate freezing rain. I hate that it's going to be snowing soon. I want to go someplace warm... NOW!


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, yes. They were very concerned when I lost so much weight so quickly. I was something under 140pounds and dropped 16 pounds in a month, and then another 16 by Christmas when they all came up. And I looked ill. Iíve put 7 or 8 back on, but thatís all. I have no interest in the house (big issue) and Iíve always finished projects. The hallways have stopped with the papering. No light fittings, pictures, window dressing, front porch, etc. Time has stood still and Iíve always had a house project on the go with it being so big. So Iím like at least three rooms behind and the outside needs doing too. It looks shabby and Iím not one for the shabby look! (til now anyways.)

I just donít know what to say, if anything. They wonít pry, unlike the ILís! And I donít think they can offer any help. Iíll just feel Iím worrying them about things they donít need to know about. On the other hand, if I keep it simple and tell them I donít want to talk about it but H and I have had some issues since 2001, erupting 2006 and weíre committed to making it work, maybe that will be better than them thinking I have some terrible illness. And H has been home a LOT and been unusually attentive to me in their presence. And I really donít want to do the big family Christmas this year. I canít face it and all the pretence.

Put my ring on with my true to myself ring underneath (a sort of barrier). I asked H if he was going to wear his and when I came back from DS4ís piano lesson, heíd got it on.

We are very, very good at putting on the act when it matters. We were doing it all those years and I never realised. And we were brilliant Xmas 2006, even if I did spend most of it in an alcoholic haze!

Hey lostsoul, got there in the end - group hug!!!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((SoLost)))))

Hang in there. You are almost through. I hope you are taking care of yourself...no excuses!!!

MAybe next week, when things are more calmer, you can think about how you want to move forward for YOU. For now, just lay back, slack up and ride the wave, Sweetie.

***

Shirley, what was your H's response to his parents comments? This would have been an excellent opportunity for him to show you the changes he has made...

****

Ukg, Fnf and Shirley said it quite nicely, so ditto that whole post from me.

You havent failed. Keep saying that, cos I think on some level, you have an issue with this.

***
BT, bread, broom and salt it is!

My homeopath has also suggested some cleansing routines that I am going to follow.

****
Weepy, all the best with H. I wonder if it would make a diff if he got to chose the MC and took some element of control over this?
Btw, I didnt know you were a Dean Koontz fan as well! I recently read his last one about the special dog and it was good.

***
thanks lostsuol for the teddies. I am not one for cuddly toys (gimme a library and loads of tea anytime!), but these are cute.

***
((((Whatnow))))

How are you doing?
The first year truly sucks and the rollercoaster is just so draining, emotionally and physically.

I know this sounds a bit trite, but honestly it does help. Do something for you, Whatnow. Whatever makes you feel just a little better at this point in time. Is it some time away from the kids? Is it some pampering? How about joining a class? An afernoon with your gf's? Just try to schedule in regular breaks and be nice to you. You WILL get through this. You WILL survive. You have 2 gorgeous sons who oneday will know what an awesome mum/woman you are.


Take care all.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By the way , I had a reading done by my homepath.
I wont give an details, cos I am wary of who's reading here ( ), but just wanted to share this with you lot:

According to her, I have begun my midlife crisis! I almost fell off my chair!
Bring it on sister!!!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy- glad to hear that your WH gave you a "maybe" at least. Hopefully you can find someone excellent and make some good progress.

__________


I guess I'm lucky with my IL's. They're not anything spectacular, they're D...But, FIL offered his support to me no matter what happens and has talked to WH about his poor choices. MIL feels like she failed as a parent and worries about how much FOO issues he has, so...they don't dump on me too much.


________

Have you told him this or discussed it in MC or IC? And how often are you in MC

I did tell him that in the recent letter I wrote, we're attending MC weekly and I'm looking for an IC. I got a message back from one today that has openings so hopefully I can connect with her tomorrow. I wanted a PhD. but couldn't find any so...we'll see how this one goes.

_______


I would want to make sure I didn't get any of the sexual details of their A. Maybe there are things you don't want to know

I *think* I know everything. Unless he said something really shocking like totally NOT what WH is saying - I don't think I'd be shocked by any of it.

My H was insisting it was only three years.

My WH went on the "7 months" lie until OW#2 told me the truth. She admitted prior to telling me that she wanted to spill her guts for "selfish" reasons and I always wonder if it was because she thought I would leave him, if she just needed to get it off her chest, or what the selfish reason was. Oh well....


We are very, very good at putting on the act when it matters

Hearing that makes me cringe. I hate the "pretend" perfect image that has to be created. I was talking to a friend the other day and asked if she was envious of other "happier" couples and she said no, because you never know what's going on in their lives. So true.


How are you doing?

Thanks for asking LostHeart. I'm okay- better today. I talked to WH earlier about the possiblity of talking to the "friend". He wasn't crazy about the idea but wasn't opposed either. I was scared to tell him first for fear that he would contact the "friend" to protect his secrets if need be. But...he knows I'm thinking about it and we talked a little about the A, the emotional aspect.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOL... LostHeart! Were we separated at birth?
(gimme a library and loads of tea anytime!)
This describes me to a 'T'. Trouble is that I don't know of any images of a book or tea cup hugging...
Sending you a virtual cup of your fav brew for when you have a chance to sit down in your new home.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are very, very good at putting on the act when it matters

We actually had people "jealous" at the wedding at how affectionate my H was with me. And how nice I was to him.

It wasn't easy.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, all the best with H. I wonder if it would make a diff if he got to chose the MC and took some element of control over this?

Quoting LH here, Weepy, i had the same thought, plus, if he does the choosing he can't very well blame you for it.


We actually had people "jealous" at the wedding at how affectionate my H was with me. And how nice I was to him.

This is us too, although i'm not such a great actress these days, so people probably think i'm a bit of a cold fish. And knowing that makes me so angry. You too Weepy?


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning All.

I am with you two on the Library & Tea, if I have that, then I'm set.

I'm sorry I have a hard time offering advise as I feel I am still so f*ed up. Still struggling, but it's getting better now that he is gone for a while.

I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head so I came here to post.

Happy greetings to all who are surviving this horrible betrayal.
Wednesday afternoon at 12:27 my precious dd 20 gave birth to a beautiful baby boy (not fishing). For the past 4 years and 7 months my mind hasn't been far from the lta my ah had with his xw. He like other's on the boards swears sex never happened while we were married. But before, it happened twice and a bj. To top it all off, I found out recently my Army Son is now an AP with a possible OC on the way.

Driving back from the hospital with AH, he mentioned Army Son, his 'talk' with him (what a fucking joke) and asked if I heard what he said to him. I said no. Blah, Blah Blah, then he said he asked AS if he is still going over there and AS said yes. ah asked if they were still screwing around and AS said no. Get this...AH asked "Then why are you still going over"? "You must be getting something out of it, to keep going back"

I imagine the blood drained from my face, all the joy I had experienced for that brief moment in this personal hell flew out the window just like my spirit did almost 5 years ago. Sadly, i'm sure at that moment, he remembered me asking him that question so many times and I'm sure he remembered is concret answer - we did have sex.

He is gone now until the 15th which is our anniversary. I know I will be busy with my dd, new gs, but dam, I just don't get how he can still continue to keep anything from me when it is so plain that I would stay anyway, I just need the truth to have a truly fresh start.

Blessings to all


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatnow, re. talking to the "friend"..I agree with the others. This is no friend, and whilst I appreciate what you are trying to do (I know I would be sorely tempted to do the same if I were in your sitch), at the end of it, what do you hope to achieve?
You want to know how they felt at the time?
I bet I can give you an answer:
"They were conflicted 'cos they both didnt want to hurt you but they were in lurrve, see( ), and how could some thing so wrong feel so right? (or something like that ).

Whatnow, they were both selfish asshats. When you or the kids did cross their minds, sure they must have felt twinges of guilt, but they would have gotten over it pretty quick by either magnifying your faults, or being nice to you.

I dont think its a good idea to speak to the friend. I know you want to make sense out of all this, and believe me, I am almost 2 years out, and the only sense I could make out of my H's LTAs was that he is/was a very broken damaged man.Ditto the OW.

***

This is us too, although i'm not such a great actress these days, so people probably think i'm a bit of a cold fish

Me too MIG. Its not that I cant put on an act, its more I dont want to anymore. I have done it all my adult life in this M...no more. However, that doesnt mean either that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am now just a blank slate!

***

((((GTMI))))
Pull up a cosy armchair in our library corner? So what are you...romance? thrillers? westerns? scifi?

Firstly, CONGRATULATIONS Grandma!! At 45 too!
This must be such a precious time for you.

Secondly, BOOOO to your H.
Sometimes they really put their foot in it, dont they? I swear they think its still pre-dday days when they could get away with crap like that.

Try to let this go, GTMI. Dont let this take away anymore from your precious moments. Have you told him how you felt when he said that? Maybe that might help...

Thirdly, your DS.
That must be incredibly hard for you, given the circumstances. Do you have any contact with your DIL? You have prob read here the responses we recieved from our IL's re the As...maybe you can make a diff in DIL's life by offering your support, or even your understanding.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi GTMI,
Congrats on your new grandson!


Driving back from the hospital with AH, he mentioned Army Son, his 'talk' with him (what a fucking joke) and asked if I heard what he said to him. I said no. Blah, Blah Blah, then he said he asked AS if he is still going over there and AS said yes. ah asked if they were still screwing around and AS said no. Get this...AH asked "Then why are you still going over"? "You must be getting something out of it, to keep going back"

I imagine the blood drained from my face, all the joy I had experienced for that brief moment in this personal hell flew out the window just like my spirit did almost 5 years ago. Sadly, i'm sure at that moment, he remembered me asking him that question so many times and I'm sure he remembered is concret answer - we did have sex.


I'm sorry but i don't quite have a clear view of what you are saying.
Do you mean despite your continual questioning on the subject your H has only admitted to a lt emotional only affair with no sex and you take his comments to your son as admittance that you were right all along, he was having sex with his ex and is till lying?

Sorry if i've misunderstod. (((GTMI)))



too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi LH,
We were cross posting i think. Todays the big day. You pick up the keys !! Yay!
Enjoy, enjoy enjoy.

Whatever it is you do with the salt, bread, etc today. Be careful not to accidentally get any salt in your H's eye if he picks today to act up.

[This message edited by mindisgone at 8:11 AM, November 7th (Friday)]


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the good wishes. My DS is single, he is the AP to a MW (her husband is also in the Army).

Yes, that's correct, he swears there was never sex after we got married. But, like he said to DS, why keep going back if THERE isn't sex. He got very quiet. I didn't say anything, cuz I would get the same response, nothing happened. Right , I was born at night, but it wasn't last night

I am an historical fan, anything to do with history, any era. I do enjoy scifi too and I'm an avid drinker of Tetley's British Blend

Take care ladies, I'm off to bring my dd and gs home from the hospital. I will stop back in later this afternoon.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi MIG
Its actually next Friday (and I havent started physically packing yet...just in my head ).Thanks anyway.

***
GTMI,
Sorry ,I misunderstood about your DS being M'd.

So you are bringing the new bub home!

What a joy! Dont forget to take loads of pics. How exciting.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it is exciting. My DD and her DH are living with us (huge house) so I know I will have lots to do with the new baby and somethings I've planned to do just for me.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GTMI,
Playing Devil's Advocate...what makes you sure that there was a PA?
My H had a 12 year LT EA with OW#1. He swears that there was no sexual contact, although he did keep pursuing and she kept on promising. I tend to believe him, esp as he has been forthcoming about the sexual contact with OW2, and that having an EA with no added benefits for 12 (!!)years sounds too ludricous to be false, KWIM?

Just asking...


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats GTMI on the new bundle of joy!

Just a quick note. My request for MC has already had some effect on H. He called me this morning before his first job... something he had stopped for the last month. And he ended the conversation with "I love you" the first time he's said that in at least 2, on his own and not in response to mine.

I have tons to do today, so I don't know if I'll get back on later or not.

whatnow, I also have "friends" of H I could contact for information, but I have banned them from our life. My interacting with them would be an invitation to that "friendship" starting up again. Besides, they're HIS friends, right?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its actually next Friday (and I havent started physically packing yet...just in my head ).Thanks anyway.

My mistake LH, but there are now only 7 more "big sleeps" so start packing.

Just a quick note. My request for MC has already had some effect on H

This sounds promising Weepy. Don't think you answered before , have you given him responsibility of choosing a MC so that he feels a sense of control??


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
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