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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I I I
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH also thinks all will be fine if I'd just get a job to occupy my mind instead of being home to think so much! Like I could be a great employee right now with all that's in my head.

I think if i had been a full time employee, I'd have been off sick with stress.

Sometimes i wish I had a faith. I don't, just in mankind and it looks like that was misplaced.

And on that note - nite nite.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH, thank you for your thoughts. I'm here reading along, just having a bit of a hard time. I can't even write in my journal anymore, there's just nothing to say some days.

I am just thrilled to pieces for you about your new home though! What a wonderful exciting joy! Please let yourself enjoy it, don't worry about the what-will-go-wrongs or the what-ifs. Just enjoy it!!!

I'm thinking of you all! like I said, I read daily, just not quite myself. I know I am probably depressed. I erased that sentence 3 times if that's any indication. I just don't think I want medication just yet. I want to get a little distance for dday, you know? We go to MC on Friday morning.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgot to give CONGRATS to LH on the house! They're wonderful & constant work at the same time.


_______


Thanks UKG for the thoughts.

How well do you know him?

WH, I, & the "friend" were friends like 2 years prior to OW coming along- we spent a lot of time together. He was the first person we told when we were expecting our first child.

Do you trust him enough to feel his opinion is valid or do you think he will be saying things he thinks you want to hear?

Well, I've heard what WH has to say about things....so if they're way off base then I'd be left with doubts & questions. If it's similar information then I would have WH's thoughts abd feelings confirmed and maybe some extra insight into OW#2's feelings & thoughts since she wasn't really talking to WH- they never talked about the A until they started to end it a few months prior to D-day. I could care less about OW#1's feelings but feel like I need more information about OW#2 since she was my "friend" for me to be able to understand and move on. I was saying the same thing when she stopped talking to me & wouldn't share anymore- this was like 6 months ago now.


I certainly realize he wasn't my true "friend", hence we've had no contact with him and I was hurt by his betrayal as well- and amazed that so many people could be involved for so long & no one found out.

What sort of knowledge are you trying to gain?

I guess I kinda already answered that- but insight into OW#2, what were her thoughts/feeling/intent- Was it easy for her to continue while becoming my friend? Did she ever even consider me? She wasn't interested in the sex so WTF was she looking for? And...to talk to the ONE person that WH was confiding in all along the A. He's the only person who got the "inside" information on WH since he wasn't talking to OW.

They were in cloud cuckoo land

But, what was the big drive? They supposedly had no plans to be a couple yet were saying ILY for the final year. She didn't want the sex supposedly (she eventually felt used of course) but put out 99% of the time and would visit him at work so they could hang out (Wh supposedly said they wouldn't save sex yet they always did). And then...she'd return to my house, or I'd come home from work and she'd be my great friend, help me cook & clean, care for the kids, we'd drink together, go to the movies, hang out, etc. To some degree I want to know if that friendship I felt was semi real or all pretend to be with WH.

_________

So Lost- thanks for checking in. Hope you can process as you need to and can come out of your "funk"


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but insight into OW#2, what were her thoughts/feeling/intent- Was it easy for her to continue while becoming my friend? Did she ever even consider me? She wasn't interested in the sex so WTF was she looking for?

WhatNow - First of all, about this "friend". He knew what was going on but did nothing to protect you so how good of a friend is he? But, let just say that, theoretically, he does tell you the truth about what she thought and wanted - do you think you would understand? I doubt it. These people are so fucked up and so broken that us "normal peeps" don't have a chance. You can't understand why your H did what he did and what he was thinking and you know him better than anyone else. We cannot understand because we aren't like them. I think this path will only lead to more pain for you. Give it time and let her fade.

LH - Congrats on the house and as UKG said, just in time for the holidays. I like what MIG said about trying to move outside his cycle of up and down. Trying to be neutral and see if that is better for you and the kids. I am pretty sure it won't be better for him but will probably be better for you. And, as far as the passwords, full disclosure is a requirement for R. Without it, true R is not in place. You don't have to leave, you just have to know what the situation truly is.

UKG - the whole ring at the table with the ILs seriously makes me want to . It reminds me of a bad middle school breakup at lunch. He clearly was "working on" his parents and, guess what, it worked! He know their buttons and will push them. I am glad you are not sending them the email as I agree that it will do no good at all. My H just spent 5 days with his mom. He told her the truth about his life, his lies, his treatment of me and, guess what?, she is in denial. She thinks that this is somehow my fault.

SoLost - glad you checked in. You sound very down. Can you just word vomit out how you feel? Maybe it would make you feel better?

FNF - thanks for the summaries and links. I can see how the cycle starts. I have been spending a lot of time reading and thinking about myself, my past, my life events and I can see how my H could have clearly been put into an even BIGGER position of low self-esteem by me. I know all of his infidelities have nothing to do with me but I can see where a really bad dynamic started with us. I have a LOT of work to do on this front. Any word on your sister?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the advice. I'm not sure I know how to move forward when I'm not sure what I'm dealing with....and if I can't bank on the information from the "friend", can't trust WH, can't talk to OW, how can I proceed?

We talked in MC about how I continue to have these non-stop thoughts- MC thinks it's normal based on the level of grief & betrayal I'm dealing with.....but I feel like the thoughts continue to go round & round without some sort of understanding. I've been calling this week to try to find a IC. I had really wanted a female but there's only like 5 on the plan- 1 is WH's IC, 2 are out of town, 1 sees children only, and I have a call into the other one.


Okay...now I'm crying again. I feel like I get to this point of feeling like I can't get more information, won't understand and I think it's a loss of power, control...I don't know what I'm looking for....but I feel completely desparate for something- something to make it okay to move on and proceed. Something to make me have some understanding about what happened, why they would do these things...AGH. I want to give up.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's a loss of power, control

That is exactly what it is. We have all been flung into a position over which we had no power or control. Worse yet, we have no power or control over understanding it as some of the people involved (the OP, some friends, some family members, etc) knew what was happening, played a roll and will never tell us the "truth". You know why? They each have their own truth. Even if you lined them all up under duress, the stories that you would get would be different as they all have their own belief as to what happened. They entered this realm under their own fantasy. This "fog" frames their memories.

That is the first issue. The second issue is that we have no control over what they do from here. They were so good at keeping their true selves from us we will never know what the "truth" is about them. That is why boundaries are so important for the BS. We HAVE to have strict boundaries in place to protect US and our wounded hearts. We don't know if they are being honest but we know if they are violating our boundaries because that is an act that we can see.

I am just now (15 months past dday1) getting to this place. AND, I never had to deal with an active OP. No OW that I knew. Just the ghosts of OW past.

BTW, LTA OW#2 has a requested gift list on Amazon (I gotta stop googling this bitch). Guess what is on her list? A bunch of books about trying to get your teenage kids under control, how to make kids behave, how to make them respectful, etc. It made me want to laugh at her and cry for her children at the same time. Geez, how about spend some time raising them rather than every spare moment fuckins someone else's husband!!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH - I am so happy for you and your family. Such a wonderful event. I can only imagine how excited you must be and how warm and loving your home will be because of you.
(((SL))) Thinking of you and hoping your MC will help you through this difficult time.
HS - So good to hear from you. I was going to PM you because I worry when I don't see you here. Thanks for asking about my sister. So far, all of her tests are coming up negative. This is a good thing obviously but because her treatment is not keeping her disease under control, they now have to figure out what to do next. So any positive thoughts and prayers will surely be appreciated. Missed you.
WhatNow - I wish I could help you with this because I know what it is like to be betrayed by someone you thought was a friend but I can only tell you that I have never wanted to hear or speak to her again. I did talk to others in the office shortly after d-day but it didn't help me at all. It just left me with questions of why no one, not a single one out of 8 thought to give me a call or even drop me an anonymous note letting me know what was going on in the office. It just made me sad that these people who were all in my life could have considered me but didn't and I guess protecting their own self interests was primary for them. So, I wish I could recommend an approach for you because I've been where you are but honestly the only thing I want to know is that the OW is suffering too. That would be justice to me. (((WN)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF - I will keep your sister in my thoughts. I have been lurking. But, I have been spending a lot of time reading, self-analysis, etc. Finally started writing down some things that I think I never wanted to think about and am really looking at them. Your posts and links really helped.

If anyone has any good book rec.s I'll take them. I am ripping through books and it is helping if only through distraction.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

they all have their own belief as to what happened.

And I guess i'm desparate to hear it from the possible source who has the unedited version. I just dont know what I have to lose. I hate that I'm thinking about OW#2 but think it's pretty expected since of the role she had in my life, memories I am stuck with.

Maybe it would help me if the "friend" told me WH struggled with his feelings of guilt & confusion- confirmed he only wanted sex...whatever the friend heard and could relay to me. If it's a different story than maybe it's more information that I need to be aware of....

As far as OW, if she was truly stuck in the situation & actually wasn't using me 100% of time, maybe I could get to a better place with what she did, some understanding of it, and let her & the memories fade away. Right now I feel like it's so stuck.

I haven't been talking to WH about the A- I am scared because everytime I open up it ends up poorly from my aspect or he can't handle it and shuts me off. I am starting to realize that I'm not sure I can even talk about it right now because I know the hurt that will return. It's easier to shut it all off, yet it continues to jumble in my brain 24/7. Everything- songs, things that are said, things I read, millions of items in my house, driving to various places, sex, WH himself.....it just goes on & on and I know you all understand, or at least to a degree.

I feel like I've lost everything. Everything I've spent my life building is gone. Views of life, marriage, happiness, self-esteem, sex, a home, security, trust, memories, being a good parent, protecting my children, OMG. I must be PMS'ing, LOL.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the only thing I want to know is that the OW is suffering too

Then again....if I knew the whole A was all fun & games for her I would continue to f'in hate that B. But I don't think it was...and I want to understand it, or at least hear it.


HS- Have you read any of the Real Love series? WH & I are working through Real Love in Marriage right now. "Just friends" is still too difficult to get through together.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost,

Make sure that when you enter the house for the first time after its your you take with you a loaf of bread, a box of salt and a broom.

Anyone else have this tradition? The bread is supposed to symbolically ensure that you will always have plenty to eat, the salt that your life will be tasty (read interesting) and the broom that your house will always be in good order.

Congratulations on your home. There is nothing quite like having a place that is all yours.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I did it. I asked him if he would consider going back to couples counseling of some sort and he said "maybe". I told him to think about it and let me know in a couple days.

Since I knew the answer would be either "maybe" or a resounding "NO!" I feel like there's hope that he will.

I talked about how I wanted to go about finding a new counselor and he said he would ask his IC for a recommendation. I'm making a list of questions this time to ask BEFORE we get involved with someone. I didn't tell him that if he didn't agree, I was seeing a lawyer. I'll wait to hear what he says first.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but I feel like the thoughts continue to go round & round without some sort of understanding.

In the end, you come to your own conclusions, using all the information you have gathered over time, you create your own picture. For me, however much FWH says it was not and he was never going to leave me, my belief is that he wanted to know whether or not he should renew that relationship with MOW and leave me. I believe that the very fact it was an affair and not out in the open was the reason it didn't work, they didn't give it a fair chance Ė not that I would have taken him back if he had gone to her and then realised it was a mistake.

She thinks that this is somehow my fault.

When I told the ILís, they were shocked and very upset that their golden second born could behave in that way. He had been a difficult and precocious child and they were very aware that the relationship with OW when they were young was intense and destructive. They were both on ADís for chrissake. I came along and they thought I was the best thing that could have happened to their son. He carried on with his charmed life Ė wonderful wife, lovely affectionate sons, warm and friendly home, even great obedient Labradors. Now, because I am still floundering and they see us still together and that H is always so attentive, that now I am the one threatening to wreck the M. Well, excuse me, this is my marriage and you can butt out!!! Iím done with discussing anything with them.

They were so good at keeping their true selves from us we will never know what the "truth" is about them.

And itís why we will never really understand why they did what they did and for the length of time they did. If you think this guy is going to be objective about the affair, he may be worth talking to. But I would be very wary in case it takes you in a downward direction. As to OW, she was having the crumbs from your table. I donít think she is worth one minute of your emotional energy. Truly, I donít.

I feel like I've lost everything. Everything I've spent my life building is gone. Views of life, marriage, happiness, self-esteem, sex, a home, security, trust, memories, being a good parent, protecting my children,

Have you told him this or discussed it in MC or IC? And how often are you in MC? When we started, we went weekly. I was the one who couldnít cope with talking about it at home Ė I needed to keep it out of the sanctuary of my home. Then after some months, I wanted to talk about it all the time, I think I realised I was getting the trickle truth. MC has been a safe and permitted place to talk and ask questions. And there is nothing wrong with taking a list of whatever you want to discuss.

Weepy Ė cautious good news on your H. Is this the last throw of the dice?

BT Ė for us, itís make sure you have the kettle, teapot and mugs so you can keep the removal men watered and in good humour. First thing they say is ďGot the kettle on for a brew?Ē.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 6:29 AM, November 6th (Thursday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One question.

I have my parents over today through til Mon or Tues. Should I wear my wedding ring? should I ask H to just for now? They don't know, but i am tempted to say that we started having probs in 2001, things came to a head in 2006 and we are working on it. Or shall I just wear the ring and shut up?

My dad's 84 and my mum's 80. They've all their faculties (unlike me ), enjoy good food, wine, going out, etc. and are considered "elders" in their local community with people going to them for various bits of advice. I am loathe to say anything though. But the IL's know. Thoughts?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy Ė cautious good news on your H. Is this the last throw of the dice?


Yes, it is. I have reached a point where I know I still love him, but it's becoming harder and harder to access that feeling. There has not been one conversation that hasn't ended in an argument in weeks. Not one. I really mean... NOT ONE. Dinner, politics, stock market, what I'm wearing. NOT ONE. I know he's ready to end it too, either the arguing or the marriage.

UKG - Don't wear the rings if you're uncomfortable, but don't volunteer anything either. You can tell them they're out being cleaned if they ask. If they ask more pointed questions about your relationship, you can answer them as vaguely or as specifically as you feel you can. I doubt they'll be as judgemental as your IL's.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops - double post.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 8:10 AM, November 6th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He told her the truth about his life, his lies, his treatment of me and, guess what?, she is in denial. She thinks that this is somehow my fault.

HS - This makes me so mad. Talk about "blaming the victim" - this is a classic case! Well, for me, she would be one more person I'd cross off of my list of obligations too, at least for a while. Is it any wonder that our H's try to avoid accepting responsibility for their actions with mother's like this?
WN - Maybe you need to make a very careful list of the things you want to ask of this person and set some boundaries ahead of time with him. I would want to make sure I didn't get any of the sexual details of their A. Maybe there are things you don't want to know. Make sure you let him know this in advance.
The one thing that did work out for me when I talked with my H's partner was finding out the length of the A. My H was insisting it was only three years. When I talked to his partner, he insisted it was much longer and so when I confronted my H, I told him what I "knew" from this person and my H then admitted to an 8 year A. If I hadn't been able to present evidence, I honestly believe my H would still be lying about this. That is the kind of detail I needed to get confirmed. Other than that, what can they tell us that would help?
This person also told me how they carried on at a holiday party that I didn't attend. They sounded like a couple of lovesick teenagers.
I didn't know whether to or mock them. They were caught sneaking into another room to fondle each other. To this day, that image is locked in my head. This is why I feel strongly about not getting any more information than we absolutely need. Too many mental images can slow down the R process. They were in a fog. They were behaving like adolescents. It wasn't real. Two weeks after this party, I discovered the A. Three weeks after d-day she was gone - FOR GOOD - and he was begging, crying, and pleading with me to forgive him. Now, almost three years later he is still trying very hard to win back my love and trust. Was that night real for them? NO FUCKING WAY!
Just be careful. OK???
Weepy - I am so glad your H responded in this way. Progress - don't you think? Maybe he is tired of living this way. Maybe he is finally ready to start acting like a man and not a wounded child.
UKG - I am curious as to why you haven't told your parents but told your H's. Would your parents support you? Is it that you don't want them to look differently at your H? You say that everyone treats them as "elders" in their community. It sounds like they may be a great source of comfort and wisdom for you. They could be exactly what you need. Why are you "loathe" to say anything to them?


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I donít want to tell my parents for exactly the same reasons I initially didnít want to tell the ILís. I donít want to spoil that image they have of us. I am third of four children. My older brother has always been somewhat lackadaisical in life, just getting by. He put his two kids through private school and then college, lives in a modest semi in a home counties suburb with itís quaint village green, pub and manor house. My sister teaches in a rough school where most of the kids are brought up on the social. Her partner left her when her two were small and she brought them up as a single working mother. She still has a huge mortgage, but is reasonably happy. Never found another partner. My twin in married to a Northern Irish Protestant and lives in another home counties posh town, his kids have been academically pushed and he works in the banking quarter in London. I was the one who would never amount to much (shelf stacker in Tescoís, my mum said). Well, I got my teaching degree, met my H, got married, had four kids, supported my H with all his career moves, moved to this very desirable town into a very large house, had plenty of money, a good car, paid for nursery, didnít work and appeared to have it all. Fuck Ė hang on Ė I thought I did have it all!!! My parents liked H from the moment they met him Ė Cambridge degree, decent bloke, and all that. A man with potential. They liked his parents from the moment they met. And because they live fairly close, they meet up for painting lessons, drinks, lunches, family ďdoísĒ, etc.

Now, in the end, I didnít mind exposing FWH to the ILís. He lied so much I met with MOW and then told them cos he had said he was with me out of a sense of duty and appearance and I wanted to know what had gone before. However, I donít want MY parents to see ME as a failure. KWIM? And they will be hugely disappointed, sad, angry, upset and unable to understand why he would do such a thing. My parents have always been there for each other, my dad was very ill when the four of us were young and he wasnít expected to live. He could have had kidney failure and that would have been it and it went on for 10yrs. So they went through a lot. We have it all and my dad would see no reason to dredge up old flames and he would be so angry at my H for doing this to me. thatís it, really.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKG - You mentioned in an earlier post that your IL's were planning on talking to your parents about the situation. Do they know that your parents know nothing about this? I would not want my IL's to be the one to have told my mother.
I know what you are saying but as a mother, I would not want to think that any of my children hid something so painful from me to protect me or an image of what I thought their life was like. I'd want them to know that I wanted to be there for them and that they could come to me with anything and I'd do my best to be there for them.
When I was a young mother I had taken my kids out for a movie. On the way home, I was the third car in a 5 car pile-up. The first thought that came to my head after making sure my kids were ok was, "I need my mother." I felt like I was a child again, needing my mommy. There are some things in our life that are just too painful not to share and for me, my H's LTA was one of them. I needed my mother, my sister and my adult children to know "what was wrong with me." They could see my pain and were very worried until I finally told them.
I would suspect that your parents sense something is not right. Maybe you're better at pretending than I am, but still there is something in our eyes and our demeanor that communicates our pain. I don't think they'll be surprised if you do decide to tell them. What do you think??


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
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Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKG - I was in the process of writing something that said essentially exactly what FNF said (but not nearly as eloquent). They probably suspect something is wrong, are worried and may, in some weird way, be relieved to know that it is only your H is an asshat. They may think you are hiding a terminal disease, etc. I would tell them as much as you feel comfortable. I am sure they will not be disappointed and will, most likely, be a source of much comfort.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

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