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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I I I
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, November 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have just come off the phone from MIL who rang to say they’d just got home. And she started by saying she and FIL thought and talked about us all the way. Why can’t I put it all behind me and move on? Cos your son won’t come clean. But what happened is what happened and nothing is going to change that, so accept it and move on together. I wanted to say that they were in no position to tell me or us how to conduct our m, she seems to think I am hell bent on punishing FWH and making him miserable. I’m afraid I ended up being quite frosty and reserved. She’s talking about how we have to make plans for Christmas. We usually have both sets of parents up here and I know they enjoyed it – heck, so did i. But I really can’t be fucking bothered and it’s ME that does all the work anyhow. I don’t CARE what she says to my parents when they next meet up. I want to shout at her that she has no fucking idea of what it’s like when the person you’re married to not only fucks around with old gf’s, but continues to LIE about it for the next TWO years. Oh, and they thought it was wrong of me to send the letter to MOW’sBH. What the heck is it to do with them? I don’t WANT their advice thank you very much. And I will deal with my parents when they come up. I guess I could say that I’m going in for some minor surgery around Christmas, but then they’d get all concerned and nosy. Aaaarrggghhhh!

Rant over.

FWH’s bf gave me the name and number of this woman. I looked her up after she cancelled and I don’t think she’s what I need. She’s not really qualified as a counsellor, she’s a “complimentary therapist”, doing NLP and holistic treatments with a bit of hypnotherapy thrown in. I’ve got three names from the counselling and psychotherapy directory who are actually qualified with degrees rather than (prob self written) diplomas that show they’ve done a course of some sort. I've left messages with my first two choices to give me a ring back. Fingers crossed.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, November 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And she started by saying she and FIL thought and talked about us all the way. Why can’t I put it all behind me and move on?

Whoah. Are they in any way related to my family?
I was going to say that unless someone has been through this, they cant really empathise...but then I thought of my mum who is a LTA BS herself... .

UKg, dont look for empathy or sympathy from the IL's because it is apparent that is not going to happen, and even worse, they end up making you the problem...and this feeds into your own self esteem issues. Then again, why should they even look at their perfect DS any different? Look how hard he is trying! Lets just forget about his little "indiscretions", be positive and move on.

Re the IC, I would suggest interviewing at least 3 till you find a good fit. You have prob checked out the BACP site, but check out also the UKCP and UKRC sites too(mine is registered with all 3! ).

I know you are reluctant to tell your parents, but you know, they might surprise with their support.After all you are their baby girl.

***
Solost, how are you doing? Please check in.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, November 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to shout at her that she has no fucking idea of what it’s like when the person you’re married to not only fucks around with old gf’s, but continues to LIE about it for the next TWO years. Oh, and they thought it was wrong of me to send the letter to MOW’sBH.

This is the truth actually UK, she doesn't know ..nobody who hasn't been through it does, no matter how much they love us, no matter how much empathy they're capable of..they don't know. As for the letter to ow's bh, their imaginations and empathy could take them no further than to imagine his intial pain at finding out. You did right. As for your H and the ring..showy and dramtic gesture wasn't it. Was he a spoiled child?


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, November 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been quite a low week here in the LH house. Bad H reared his ugly mug just before the holidays, and despite many attempts to head off a showdown, I cracked in Paris.However, we were able to jump back quickly and focus on the kids..but some of the damage had already been done. Then to make it even worse, just before I logged onto his laptop when we got back (as mine had no power supply)he told me he had received an email a little while ago from exboss (AU)offering him a position.This had been his and OW'2's plan (for him to work there and here)and he was supposed to have let them know that he was no longer available.He said that he had not gotten around to telling me about it due to circumstances...

This made me suspicious so I checked the keylogger. I havent done this in months. Lo and behold, 2 min later, an email from suspected OW#3, whom he admits at a push to a possible EA, and to whom he went NC after dday#1.
He is supposed to let me know immediately of any contact from any of them...and he didnt. When I asked him why, he said he didnt want to spoil the holiday (after acting like an asshole before and during that anyway!).

To cut this short, this led to me having a what he said to the kids, "Oh God. Mum is having a "PTSD" moment, so watch her freak out."

And freak out I did.

This led to him consquently changing all his passwords on everything, even the laptop, so I have no access as I have "abused" this privilege. I in turn called my uncle and told him I want a D, to which H agreed.

However, after my IC appt last night, I came home seeing things a little more clearly. And realised that a D is not going to happen now. I need to protect myself. I need to change the ways I interact with H. I need to look out for myself and the kids. So we are back to "normal"( ) and you would not think the past week had occured at all.

I was reluctant to post this but then I thought maybe someone could see soemthing that might help them.

IC identified a pattern with us. I want normal and boring, and he gets incredibly antsy with this, and then provokes me until I react by "losing it". He then is the good guy, whilst I am the baddie. He appears to thrive on the energy he gets when we are fighting and when I freak out...whilst I lose all around, and this just justifies my self hatred.

I need to learn many things and one of them is to stop feeding this "charge" he gets. IC reckons it would be similar to the charge he got from the As..the quick high. She in fact asked if he MB'd during the fighting cos he appeared to be so charged on a high from it.

I, on other hand, cant cope well with these highs and lows. I crave boring and mundane, with "normal" excitement. And hence, our incompatibility.

So....


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, November 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC identified a pattern with us. I want normal and boring, and he gets incredibly antsy with this, and then provokes me until I react by "losing it". He then is the good guy, whilst I am the baddie. He appears to thrive on the energy he gets when we are fighting and when I freak out...whilst I lose all around, and this just justifies my self hatred.

I need to learn many things and one of them is to stop feeding this "charge" he gets. IC reckons it would be similar to the charge he got from the As..the quick high. She in fact asked if he MB'd during the fighting cos he appeared to be so charged on a high from it.

I, on other hand, cant cope well with these highs and lows. I crave boring and mundane, with "normal" excitement. And hence, our incompatibility.

LH,
I am afraid i can't offer much by way of advice but i will say that my very first thought when i read this was ....shame and guilt, he's wanting to be punished.
Is that completely off the wall?


This led to him consquently changing all his passwords on everything, even the laptop, so I have no access as I have "abused" this privilege. I in turn called my uncle and told him I want a D, to which H agreed.

Have you gotten the new passwords etc, since?


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, November 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This led to him consquently changing all his passwords on everything, even the laptop, so I have no access as I have "abused" this privilege.

Oh LH, this really concerns me. Is there any way now that the crisis is over that you could tell him how this will hurt you both if he blocks your access to his accounts? There are days when I need my H to leave his phone so that if it should ring I am there to check his caller ID, check his past received and sent calls and to check any IM's that might have come in. I hate when I am feeling like this but if my H closed this off, I would spiral downward at a frightening speed. How are you feeling about this? Do you agree that you have "abused this privilege" and deserve to be cut off from access?
I can see where he might not have wanted anything to trigger you before the trip but cutting you off from access could cause more problems than either of you need right now. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm sending lots of hugs and hoping I'm not upsetting you with my opinion on this but I know from my POV that would be a serious issue for me.
((((((((LH)))))))))
ETA - LH, transparency is a requirement, just as NC is, for a successful R. It is not a "privelege" it is a necessity to regain our trust. Your H needs to rethink this position, IMHO.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 12:17 PM, November 4th (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, November 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I have some feedback please?
I have drafted this email to M&FIL.
I have attached a copy of a thread from the website I go on. This one was started by the adulterous partner (there is a forum specifically for betrayers to get together and get help and advice). It might help you understand where I am coming from and what I am trying to say. There is also a support forum specifically for those who have experienced the fall out from long term affairs, which of course is where I belong. There are cases far worse than mine and people continue to post with positive feedback from the reconciliation point of view. It is my sanity and place of hope. And it is probably best if we don’t actually talk about the affair anymore as there isn't anything you can do or say to help. It was wrong of me to go on last night and I just want to apologise for that. I’m sorry.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=259337 (I wish I had not lied, 2manylies)

Shall I send it?
BBL. Dinner then school meeting.

LH - I'll get back on your post. I'm outta time and gotta run.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, November 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually I went into the Healing Library hoping to find something for LH to give to her H but UKG, I think you might want to attach this to your IL's note. I also wonder if an article on PTSD wouldn't be beneficial for them as well.
Good luck with them and I agree with LH that maybe talking to your parents before they do would be a great idea.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/reconcile_musts.asp


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, November 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And this is why I didn't tell anyone. I can pick out the family members who would have this attitude and I couldn't bear it.

I think sending them the information is a good idea and then telling them you won't discuss it is another good one. It's between you and your H and children and no one else.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, November 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would let it go, UK, and I would also take a step away from my in-laws.

This may be me projecting my own situation on you a bit, but I think I've seen in your posts over the months an indication that your in-laws take you for granted. If that's unfair I apologize, but it is a definite impression that I've had from you.

One of the things that I think we all need to do after d-day is take a look not just at our relationships with our spouses, but our relationships with everyone. In most cases, people follow predictable patterns in all their relationships. If they tend to be taken advantage of by their husband/wife -- always giving, never getting -- that tends to be the pattern in their other relationships, too.

When we go to IC or work on ourselves in other ways after d-day, we shouldn't stop at our primary relationship IMO. We should look at how we relate to everyone -- kids, parents, siblings, friends, colleagues. Generally people need to make the the same changes in all their relationships as they do in their primary one.

[This message edited by BorrowTrouble at 6:59 PM, November 4th (Tuesday)]


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"It hasn't been easy to learn of his LTA at 30 yrs either but it's a large part of my staying and trying to rebuild / reconcile."

lostsuol, do you think if this had happened earlier in your M that you would have decided to D?

Hindsight is always 20/20 but... it is possible. Reason being that if the LTA had been at the 10 yr mark in our marriage: I'd have been 32 yrs old, working full time with excellent job benefits, with 3 kids under 7 in child care (2 before/after school program, 1 full-time) and was healthy. FWH worked long hours and travelled on business so I was often a married "single mother". I just feel that Infidelity could have been more of a deal-breaker then. Life was more 'black and white' then. Many of our friends split up in those years.

FWH concedes that I raised our kids and if he had it to do over his job wouldn't have been his priority, we would. Now we have been together more than half our lives and I can't imagine life without him. I don't want to give up on us. October was the start of his online 'life' and busy season so I'm triggering a lot... feeling down more than up. Hopefully this too shall pass.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukg,
I wouldnt send this. With the way they see their son, I dont think anything you say or do, would alter this drastically. After years of trying to please my IL's and never succeeding, dday#2 (and MIL's comment "I dont know why he did this. He wasnt like that before he got M'd"), freed me to stop. I realised that they will never change the way they see him (and that I will always be at fault), and it is a waste of my precious time and energy seeking any help, solace or understanding there. After all, he is a product of that environment!

LEave them be, Ukg. Channel that energy into you and your healing.
As for Christmas, how would you like to spend it? Cant one of your sibs host it this year? Or better yet, experience it with your immed family in another country this year.

***

Fnf, no he has not given me the passwords, nor have I asked. The depth of his lack of self awareness truly scares me sometimes.This morning he told me that if I would only chill and not be so wound up all the time, we would be ok; that I should learn to not be so hyper.Ok then.

But I am fine.A little disconnected. I was sent home yesterday from work as I have a bad cold and told not to come in today. Isnt it a shame when you would rather be at work sick then home?

MIG, I think my H is addicted to the adrenalin rush. The best times he remembers of our relationship were when we were secretly courting and had to hide and meet up (our parents disapproved).Although I enjoyed those times, I couldnt wait to be dating normally and doing normal date stuff. The thing with the secret relationship is that you have short quick highs and lows, you are not very committed and not much is asked out of you on a long term basis. You meet once a month or so, put in a lot of energy for a few hours and thats it, back to normal life. Eerily similar to the As.

Further, I think my H has issues with "normal life". When things are normal and there is no burning issue to resolve, it means that he has to examine himself. And I will bet he does not like what he sees and therefore tries hard to avoid this, by stirring up sitches like the recent one, which he hides behind. It is quite sad cos in the end, he is only fooling himself.

Whilst I can recognise I have work to do on myself, and am willing to do so, my H avoids this at any cost, preferring instead to focus on my faults and what I need to change.

I have to be careful that I dont indulge in the same, and therefore, I will not be telling him what to do. He knows. And whats even more incredibly sad, I think he is actually a bit confused why the kids and I are still affected, and not just getting back to normal.
He has had his fix, alls fine now, right?

On the good news front, we will possess the keys to our new home next Friday!
At last, our very own home. To be honest, kids and I are still a bit shellshocked after he pulled out of the deal last week, so its a bit difficult to drum up the excitement. But its going ahead now and we will have our own home for the first time!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whilst I can recognise I have work to do on myself, and am willing to do so, my H avoids this at any cost, preferring instead to focus on my faults and what I need to change.

I hear you LH, the story of our lives it seems.


On the good news front, we will possess the keys to our new home next Friday

Oh how exciting for you. Yay!!! ((LH))
Ya know though, it appears your H doesn't like it very much when you are focused on anything but him so tries to yank your attention in his direction. Hmmm.
Ignore him this time, it's one of lifes big moments, squeeze every drop of joy you can out of it. Welcome home!!!


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh LH that is wonderful. There's nothing like that feeling.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. I have busy today trying to get in movers and cleaners, and the excitement is slowly building up.

Wow. My own house.My own kitchen. My own walls. My own garden. (happy)
I lived in the same house from the time I was born till I got married (with a short stint away inbetween).Since we married we have lived in a total of 11 houses in 10 different surburbs on 3 different continents. All their lives, I have been warning the kids not to kick that or write there cos its not ours. For the first time, I will be able to say "Dont kick that or write there..its ours!!"

Wow.

***
MIG, I think you are onto something there. IC also observed that when I am doing well and am strong and focused, H seems to slide down and attempts to bring me down as well. When I am weak and in despair, its almost as if he thinks he is then stronger (and better).

I was thinking about what Fnf said re. being the OW, and how sad and pathetic that must be for them. No more different than for our Hs'. I do feel sorry for him..it must be pretty awful being him. IC warns me against this and wants me to feel sorry for me instead, as I tend to step into the nurturer role with him (at my expense). He is just so pitiful sometimes.

Anyway enough of me...

***
Ukg, how are you feeling?

SoLost, I am looking out for you.Please check in.

((((lostsuol)))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MIG, I think you are onto something there. IC also observed that when I am doing well and am strong and focused, H seems to slide down and attempts to bring me down as well. When I am weak and in despair, its almost as if he thinks he is then stronger (and better).


LH,
Iasked this also thinking on a sexual level like your MC, after the A and during his looong MB period ( another story) my H always approached me sexually when i was recouperating from the flu, migrain, etc, or if i was emotionally hurting ( over something NOT to do with him ) basically whenever i was exceptionally needy or weak.
I USED to think it was the only way he could show me he cared but now of course i think differently.
2 things for him..it had to be absolutely nothing to do with him and i had to be both sweet and vulnerable at the time.
So WTF does it all mean? Wish i knew. Just to say i had something similar going on here.
Different kettle of fish now, he is constantly wanting to make love ( his words, gets upset when i say sex) and although he says and behaves as if he understands that i don't feel the same way he also admits to being angry that i am the one who decides when and if it will happen.

One of these days when i gather my nerve and the stomach to do it i would like to post his sexual pattern/problems and get y'all's perspective.
I'm beginning to talk about it with my IC now but did i tell you she's a RC nun? ( but therapy is not religion based) She's pretty cool but i still am a little uncomfortable ,
although she told me " i don't have virgin ears ya know"

[This message edited by mindisgone at 1:13 PM, November 5th (Wednesday)]


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the advice re email to MIL. I’ve decided to leave it for now, but if she persists, I will renew and send it. As it is, I’ve left it in the drafts box. As to my parents, I have decided to tell them that we have been having problems since 2001 and that things came to a head in 2006 and we have been on/off since. And no, there is nothing they can do to help, we’re in couple counselling, etc (not that they will think much to that, but whatever…)

Christmas this year I would like to spend on a beach in la-la land. Fact is, all the boys are home, but they are 24,22,20 and 14. Top three grown up. By telling my parents things are not good, I can excuse myself from the Christmas responsibility. The rest of my siblings are unlikely to offer up in my place. But I can’t get out of this pit right now, so I am not thinking forward to more than the end of Nov. Maybe. I just don’t want Christmas to happen. KWIM?

Further, I think my H has issues with "normal life". When things are normal and there is no burning issue to resolve, it means that he has to examine himself. And I will bet he does not like what he sees and therefore tries hard to avoid this, by stirring up sitches like the recent one, which he hides behind. It is quite sad cos in the end, he is only fooling himself.

Ummmm…… Yep. Shall we link arms now? Fuckwits. FWH just looks to fixing me, bypassing the need to look at himself.

On the good news front, we will possess the keys to our new home next Friday!

Cool!! And in plenty of time for Christmas. I bet you will be out getting the decorations and such like to give your DD’s and DS the Christmas they deserve in their new home! (And YOU, btw!) So exciting. I’m somewhat jealous! Yay girl, time to get that little buzz of a new start and new home!

My own walls.

Careful – you HAVE seen Shirley Valentine!!!

IC also observed that when I am doing well and am strong and focused, H seems to slide down and attempts to bring me down as well. When I am weak and in despair, its almost as if he thinks he is then stronger (and better).

Maybe the secret here is to be consistent? Whatever he throws at you, always be the same lovely caring LostH. And please, stop with the D word. I hate it, maybe it’s just me but I’ve only thrown that into the ring when things have been so bad, there was nothing else to say. Like two, maybe three times. Ever. I won’t do the crying wolf bit, if I say it, I’m gonna mean it. Please LostH, pull back from that threat. Okay?

MIG – I have this too. FWH wants to bond with me and for him this means sex. Which is great. Except that is what he did with MOW to keep her sweet. Sex is his primary way of connecting, but b/c he used it with MOW, it has lost the meaning with me. I know what he is trying to do and I know he is trying to climb inside my heart and wanting me to have that safe haven within him but ……. It’s what he did with her. Except with her I think it was when there was literally nothing left to say, it came down to just sex in the end b/c it was all he could offer. Whereas with us, words were not enough and could not convey our feelings. So, yes. it has lost the depth, intensity and significance. He cannot have the “mental, emotional and physical chemistry” with me because he savoured that with her. I hate it when he says that. “Our chemistry”. I tell him to shut the fuck up. This is very confusing, but maybe you can get my drift.

And now I have DS1’s German gf from Brisbane here (this could be interesting ….) and the parents are here tomorrow. And the 13yr old dog decided to have a “turn” yesterday, threw up aawwwlllll of today, so took her to the vet and got a few jabs, a blood test (which was fine) and I got to feed her fish, chicken, rice and pasta. She’s a bloody dog!!!! And they're gonna forward the bill .....

[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:22 PM, November 5th (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now I'm looking for advice. Remember, OW#2 became my best friend and lived in my house for a year....since D-day I've struggled back & forth on trying to figure out her intent/thoughts, etc. I talked to her a few times after D-day at length but she was never open about her feelings. What I'm wondering is.....should I attempt to make contact (NOT with OW#2, LOL) with our former friend/WH's co-worker who they were both confiding in about the A? He was talking to them both at length about the A and could possibly give me some insight that make help me make sense....out of non-sense, I know... I'd also like to hear his version of WH's feelings during the A if he'd be willing to share that for me.

I feel like I spend most of my time trying to figure this thing out, make sense of it, and maybe I wouldn't get anywhere even if he did talk to me....but maybe it would help to either confirm what WH has said, be more helpful....and try to determine what OW went through and was thinking. So......thoughts? We haven't had contact with this "friend" since D-day but he has my "friend" in the past too so I *think* if he'd talk it would be the truth.

I don't know.....I don't know if anything negative could come out of it.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep. Shall we link arms now? Fuckwits. FWH just looks to fixing me, bypassing the need to look at himself.

What is it with these men? FWH also thinks all will be fine if I'd just get a job to occupy my mind instead of being home to think so much! Like I could be a great employee right now with all that's in my head.
Stress level is higher than ever... as I wait for results of D-i-l's ultrasound today. She's 19 wks pregnant & been having cramps. Our son is still away on training but will be flying home tomorrow.

I've read the saying "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" and "Let go and Let God" but I'm really struggling with my faith right now too. October's women's bible study subject is "If I'm a Christian, why am I so depressed?" I haven't had the courage to work on it yet.

Positive vibes and news would certainly be welcome for a change!!!


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This could be very difficult for former friend. How well do you know him? Do you trust him enough to feel his opinion is valid or do you think he will be saying things he thinks you want to hear? And, of course, he isn’t really a “friend” of yours if he kept schtumm during the affair. What sort of knowledge are you trying to gain?

It seems to me that your OW2 was a rather sad creature who would take your H’s attention as some kind of affection. It seemed so superficial that she could not possibly have thought it was going anywhere for them as a “couple”. It was going to carry on until it simply fizzled out – which it was anyhow. She was fond of him, but more than that? No, I don’t think so. It was a habit that neither of them was willing to break. They overstepped the line and decided between them it was okay. But of course it wasn’t. Slapped face reality. For them, a bit like having the hand in the sweetie jar. Until they got caught.

Think about it whatnow. They were in cloud cuckoo land. Your H has snapped back to his M. I’d leave it. JMHO. (((((WN)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

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