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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I I I
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, October 15th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't like porn, but I don't feel like it's one of our big battles. I don't know, am I being naive?


I think if you don't perceive it as an issue than it's probably fine. Like you said- he doesn't look all the time & it varies.

After our issue the other day I thought that maybe eventually we'll get to a place that I'll be okay with him looking at porn online- But, right now I'm more concerned about the other issues I stated earlier and would rather he come to me for sex rather than masturbate. WH used to look at porn almost every day in the morning & masturbate. Didn't matter that he was still getting sex from OW twice/week and me however often....he still needed to masturbate on a regular basis.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, October 15th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey LTA. Sorry I have been absent. I just posted up in General as I feel as if I need the world to help. If you have a moment, you can read there to see what is going on in my head (if it doesn't explode first).

LostH - I am so glad you DD had a good birthday. I was worried about her.

UKgirl - I don't know your H at all, but from what you have posted here, I don't think he will go back to MOW. I think he is probably so disgusted with himself that he would rather burn in hell.

As far as the planning thing, my H and I went through a fight on this and what he said was that he was "afraid" to plan anything as he never knew what state I would be in. I told him plan it anyway, buy the tickets, make the reservation, if I don't want to go at the last minute then it is a sunk cost but make the effort. He was relieved to know that he could plan something and, if I was in the dark hole, we could bag it without bad feelings....just a thought.

As far as the porn, this one scares me. I know my H used to look at porn but I don't know how much. I don't think he is now as he doesn't use the home pc much and he is smart enough not to do it on his work laptop (hell, he won't even access SI on his work laptop ). I know this is a scary area as we can't ever know how far they are on this.

I am going to go back and review a couple of pages and post again. Sorry I haven't been around...just trying to survive right now.

(((((LTA))))))


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, October 15th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy,

Four years ago I got broadsided, totalled my car and was back at work the next day.

Uh, this was me two weeks ago. A guy t-boned me crushing my seat all the way to the console and totaling my car. These are part of the challenges of life and I see your H doesn't have the same spunk that we women-folk do Admittedly this is part of my funk- I don't feel as well physically right now.

But for those of you who have Hs who are overly-critical like mine, how do you guys handle it? Mine has changed, to a point. But in fighting our insurance company [who thinks it is MY fault when the guy hit ME] my H's controlling and demeaning nature has taken over. The guy has no idea how to say things without insulting me sometimes....and then he doesn't even see it when I point it out. Sure, he apologizes. But this is one of those behaviors that scare me because I don't think it will ever completely disappear.....

There's no magic wand to make it all better- but just wondered for those of you who have some "acceptance" how you do it?

Hugs to all,
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, October 15th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley,

Is this woman a psychiatrist? I will tell you that I have gotten a real eye and earfull of psychiatrists in the last six weeks or so and it isn't a pretty picture.

Now granted, it's only been four psychiatrists, but I have never seen such a group of arrogant, self-important, quick to the draw people in my life.
'
I'm working at a psych hospital at the moment and I watch these doctors come in, ask three or four questions of patients and then pronounce a verdict and a diagnosis on these people with just that little bit of information. It's astounding! And they don't change their views even when later information comes in that changes the picture entirely.

I know these are experienced people but my God. These people think they know everything there is to know and can say anything they want to these patients after getting the most minimal information. It's truly astounding.

Now, I'm not saying your IC is in this tradition, but I also would challenge her about this if she is offering such drastic advice after not knowing you very long.

bt


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Shoestring
♂ Member
Member # 20731
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, October 16th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, I agree. My one and only one experience with a psychiatrist was "Work through it."

If he said it once, he said it 10 times in 45 minutes.

I wish I could have talked to whoever is over him for he is s DUD! Big Time.... IMO!


H (me) 73 Nov 7th
WS (her) 71 Aug 6th
A lasted 25+ years
Maybe all our married life?
M 53 yrs on Oct 2
OMM - Same age as WS
They were Hi school sweethearts
D-day March 27, 2008
Children grown Son 48 D 44


Posts: 656 | Registered: Aug 2008
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, October 16th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Shirley))))

I read your post in G.
You had some insightful answers.I cant give you anything right now, except for big hugs...loads of them.

***

SoLost,
Thank you for your kind words.
I told you simply what was said to me when I was at the 1 year mark by the wise ones here. It was an amazing woman named One Tough Cowgirl (OTC) who helped give dday antiversary a different slant...Dday for her marked the Death of OW in her M; the Death of old OTC; the Death of old WH, and the Death of their old M.
And she and H went on to have an awe-inspiring R.

If you get a chance, try lookng up her old posts from them days (a few threads ago). There were others who have since left, who also helped a bunch of us. Fortunately, we still have BT with us.
( BT!!)

SoL, there is no right or wrong way to spend the day(s). Theres only whats right for you.
Take care.

***

(((HB)))
I am sorry to hear about your accident. How are you now?

I met with a car accident myself yesterday. This lady, coming from the opposite direction, came sliding into me. There was nothing I could to get out of her way, as the pavement had a bunch of school kids on their way home. I didnt sleep well at all last night, I kept playing the scene where I could see her sliding into me and feeling so helpless, looking at the kids on the sidewalk, and this huge tree and trying to hold steady at the wheel.

I am so disappointed in H's reaction to this whole incident. But hey, what doesnt kill ya...

***
Hope everyone else is hanging tough.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, October 16th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH - I'm so glad you're ok. How awful to see a car coming and not have a way to avoid the crash. I can only imagine your nightmares last night. As to your H
I hope you're doing better today.
Thanks too for sharing what OTC said about D-day. I loved it. I missed that post or maybe it was in a PM but I'm glad you shared it with us. That's how I'm going to think about d-day from now on.
HS - sent you a PM - we're here for you and sending lots of hugs and support.
WN - I honestly don't know what to think about the porn. Fortunately my H is computer-illiterate and can barely sign on without help.
You hear so much lately about this problem and I'm sure there's tons of information on this topic. I will never understand why a guy would prefer that over being with a real live woman. It's a real enigma to me but then so are these men we're married to.
(((WN)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, October 16th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But for those of you who have Hs who are overly-critical like mine, how do you guys handle it?

hb, in a nutshell, I tell him to "bite me" most of the time, or I'm silent or I walk away and tell him he's a jerk.

I admit my first inclination is to take what he says to heart, that there's something wrong with what I've done or how I've done it. But there's not. It's him.

He gave me crap about how I handled a message from his insurance company about the accident.... I told him I wasn't answering the phone ever again. And I won't. He needs a ride home from the autobody place today, I never even offered. I'm sure he expects me to be here when he gets home to ride over there, but I'm headed to the gym.... he didn't say anything after all.

The other thing, is I wonder if we didn't jump right back on that horse because we felt we HAD to. That we were the strong, capable, superwomen and nothing less would do. Well, I've given that up for sure now. You should see my house!

Well, does LH's accident make the magic "3". Can I drive without fear now?

on porn,... we used to. Don't any more. H used it to wean himself onto and off of the hookers and his OW. I refuse to watch, I won't let him watch. Just what I need... comparisons. My first IC told me to find some that I would like to reintroduce it to the relationship, but there's no f'ng way I'm letting him look at naked women, 35 years younger than me and 100 lbs skinnier.

Plus when we discussed what his whores looked like, he showed me a couple on a locall made ameteur porn video we had. That was it. no way his OW was going to be in my house.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, October 16th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

things were so disconnected that if he say...saw a movie about a couple or an A- his life was separate because he was "happy" with me and had no plans of us breaking up.

One of my favourite movies was Sliding Doors. Little did I know how it paralleled my own life. We watched it bout 4wks after dday (I was so slow, it was unbelievable, maybe I just hoped it was all a bad dream and would go away…..)and H kept changing the channels – he was obviously aware of the trigger. It ended up in a sobfest b/c he admitted to last having sex with MOW “a few months ago” (which turned out to be four weeks previous) when I had thought it had been a couple of years and he was seeing her to keep her sweet and away from us/me. Yet we had watched the film a couple of times before that, and he said he was unaffected by the infidelity with old gf/parallel lives theme – it was a good film!

I don't like porn, but I don't feel like it's one of our big battles. I don't know, am I being naive?

Sound like something that you need to talk about in detail. If you’re kind of wishy-washy about it, you have to let it go, but if you feel it’s too much into your life together then boundaries need to be laid down. My H tends to look at it when I’m away and he’s slightly drunk. He says he doesn’t know why he looks at it, none of it’s very good and it’s all aimed at men. He hopes that something interesting might show up, but it never does! And I would suggest 7-10 min browsing means boyish curiosity, like flicking through a porn mag in the newsagent, but not buying.
*****
Shirley, I would say that 6 sessions is nothing. She doesn’t really know your H, or you M. She’s outside looking in and trying to figure out the picture and your future. It seems like your H put himself into a hole he couldn’t get out of; an addiction or disease he thought didn’t have a cure (not that he wanted one at the time)and he would just have to live with it, but not tell you. Well, he has found there is life after the one he had been living, and it’s a whole lot better than the one he was in. And NO ONE should be so arrogant and full of their own “experience” in advising on with these issues as to pronounce that you should get out. She will not be affected by her decision taken on your behalf in years to come. He is truly remorseful and trying to be the man you thought he was. His dark Mr Hyde side is gone. The real question is whether or not you can live with the history, cos that’s what it is. However, if you feel there is still that risk that he would be led down that path again, that’s a diff matter.
These were LTAs with women at work where almost all the sex took place during work hours or at conferences. I had no idea then, how would I know now? So HOW will I ever know in my heart that he is truly sorry.

We all know that feeling. FWH’s A took place while he was staying away on business. Sometimes that was what he was doing, other times it was a cover. I would never know and that is still the same case today. He often works away from home and spends time in hotels. I have to accept that. But I also realise it means nothing as a trigger – he would text and ring her from home at all hours, making out it was a colleague or friend. If I heard it was a female voice, he was ready with an appropriate name for me. How OW must have hated being referred to as “Louise” or “Carol” or “Nicola” and never her real name, as WH left the room. I can only suggest to let it go, ride with the feelings and just let go.

And I just want to say that the beginning of the second year was a really low time for me. I did not want to carry on with life and if someone had said “press this plunger and it will all be over” I would have. It makes me teary just to think about that time. Then I did the obsessive Googling again and found SI. Hang on Shirley. We’re here to hold you up. (((((HS)))))

I met with a car accident myself yesterday.

You okay? Are the wheels drivable? It’s odd how something like that just plays over and over again. H should have given you big hugs.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, October 16th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Fnf.

***

You know, they always seem to say that the more mature spouse make the move, lead the way. I am sick of being the mature one.

Ok, SoLost, so what does being the mature one mean to you?
I am not being snarky , so bear with me.
If you SoL had some opportunities to let go of being the mature one, and "just be", what would the mean in your household?

For us, it would mean H doing being charge for that time..in charge of everything whilst i just coasted. So he gets to sort out the kids, the meals, the house.HE can ask for my opinion or help, but he is in charge!
Its great for me, cos I get to just enjoy the ride, you know, without the responsibility. Its a temp sitch, but I do enjoy that break. Unfort my H cant sustain being in charge for long periods, also the kids cant sustain having him in charge, so its not a long break.

So for you, what does not being the mature one mean? And do you think you can get H to cover you, whilst you coast for a few days? A few days where you just get "to be...".

***
Ukg, you are spoton with EMDR.
IC had told me in the early days that she might give it a go with me, but wanted to build me up first as I was too vulnerable then. So I guess she thinks its time...

I have had to make a list of the 10 most distressing events in my life, and we are going to work through them, starting with the least upsetting.
I have to say that it did work in the session, in that on a scale of 1(least stressful) to 10(worst), I found that event a 5-6 when the session started, and when it ended, I found it a 3.
I was also surprised by the thoughts that that event triggered, as I had not thought of it that way.

The eye movements didnt work so well with me, as it reminded me of beginning of the epileptic fits I used to get as a child and that thus made me v anxious. So we moved onto her tapping my hand instead, which was much better for me.

Weepy, how many sessions did you have? I am determined to give this a go, cos mainly I have confidence in my IC. I know she will pull that plug if she thinks its not working.

***

Whatnow, I found this interesting article on porn which got me thinking about my sex life.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2003/nov/08/gender.weekend7

Hope that links works.
I particularly liked the last paragraph:

And the alternative to pornography, says Morgan, is not always easy. "Relationships are difficult. Intimacy, having a good relationship, loving your children, involves work. Pornography is fantasy in the place of reality. But it is just that: fantasy. Pornography is not real, and the only thing human beings get nourishment from is reality: real relationships. And, anyway, what do you want to say when you get to the end of your life? That you wish you'd spent more time wanking on the internet? I hardly think so

***
Shirley, how are you doing, Sweetie? I saw your H's post in WF, and I hope ROBT's response nailed it for him.

Our dilemma is so...dilemmic(??? Help BT, our writer).

We will,not for a long time anyway,know for sure whether
1. this is another act from their great reportoire,
2. whether it would have been worth all our time and effort, and
3. whether we are able to truly move past it heart and soul.

We agree to give them the time to work through their issues whilst we work through ours. Like ROBT said, we would have to BOTH become different people.

You are in my thoughts, Shirley.

***
((((LTA Tribe))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, October 16th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi everyone.
i have not been posting here for a while. Just reading all your post and catching up.

All of you are so awesome. All your H's should feel damn lucky to be married to you!

I had to share with someone, so I hope you dont mind. I had come to a conclusion today. I truly beleive my WH doesnt want to live a life of lies anymore. I truly believe he will not contact the OW. Not now or ever. I am not sure what made me feel this today, I just did and then let out a deep breath. Now I just have to work on getting through the memories that jump into my head ALL THE TIME of the last 15 years. I wish there was a pill to erase it all!
Thanks for listening.
I hope for happiness for all of you!!!


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, October 16th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so what does being the mature one mean to you?

Mature. What I so do NOT want to be!
I do NOT want to be the responsible one anymore, the one making sure that the bills are paid, the fridge is full, the dog is vaccinated, the lunch box is packed, that there is a school shirt for the morning, that cards have been bought, presents wrapped, clean sheets on beds, cash available, loo rolls in the bathroom, the boiler serviced, advice and sympathy dished out, orthodontic appointments made and kept, the path Weedol’d, the chimney swept, the piano tuned, the lightbulb changed, the toaster fixed, the leak mended. I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE. Sometimes, I really wish I’d let him go, that we’d done a partner swap, then OW’d see a man perplexed when given a screwdriver. Brilliant with romantic verse, rubbish at diy.

I’m ranting again. I’m gonna have to get this outta my system. Maybe I should get an archery set, join DS4 at the bosses, draw back, take veeerrry careful aim and psshhhhud, thud. Centre target. Or how about kick boxing. Anyone do that? I go down the gym most days, but I still have this residue of RAGE. And I drove too fast again tonight. With DS4 in the car, coming back from music. No 2x4's, done that already.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, October 16th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt789 Happy for you. Sometimes these moments are to be shared. Thanks for sending out positive vibes. Hope you don't mind if I steal all of them. I need a few right now.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, October 16th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A guy t-boned me crushing my seat all the way to the console and totaling my car. These are part of the challenges of life and I see your H doesn't have the same spunk that we women-folk do Admittedly this is part of my funk- I don't feel as well physically right now.

HB how badly were you hurt? You say you don't feel well physically, has everything been properly checked out? And why would your insurance company DO THAT? Wasn't there a police report (and not like you need one in that kind of accident. The cars pretty much tell the whole story.) I hope you are feeling better.


I met with a car accident myself yesterday. This lady, coming from the opposite direction, came sliding into me. There was nothing I could to get out of her way, as the pavement had a bunch of school kids on their way home

OMG! LH you must have been terrified! I would not have been able to sleep a wink especially seeing the kids faces! THe whole slow motion thing is so weird. I wish I was a scientist and could explain how that works that when in a time of crisis the brain is able to "slo-mp" the whole thing. I am curious about this:

I am so disappointed in H's reaction to this whole incident. But hey, what doesnt kill ya...

Knowing our Hs are similar I am guessing that he wasn't very empathetic to the situation.....Was he at least concerned about your welfare? I hope so. You must have been so shaken!

BT,

Shirley,
Is this woman a psychiatrist?

Yes, she is! Hahvahd trained and at McLean. I actually thought maybe my H and our MC might be having me committed the first time I went there for an appointment! She was better today...I posted about it in the thread in general. I still think this place is better when I am fully engaged.

One of my favourite movies was Sliding Doors.

OMG! We watched that movie! I loved it. H and I watched it and he talked about it a lot! Hoooleee shit! I am going to rent it and watch it again just to freak out.

His dark Mr Hyde side is gone

UKG - you have no idea how much I would give to know this as true. I think Hyde is still lurking in there for one more go (or at least one more go) at Dr. Jekyll. I don't think the battle (or integration) is complete.

And, anyway, what do you want to say when you get to the end of your life? That you wish you'd spent more time wanking on the internet? I hardly think so

snork PRICELESS!!!

I do NOT want to be the responsible one anymore, the one making sure that the bills are paid, the fridge is full, the dog is vaccinated, the lunch box is packed, that there is a school shirt for the morning, that cards have been bought, presents wrapped, clean sheets on beds, cash available, loo rolls in the bathroom, the boiler serviced, advice and sympathy dished out, orthodontic appointments made and kept, the path Weedol’d, the chimney swept, the piano tuned, the lightbulb changed, the toaster fixed, the leak mended. I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE.

Amen, sister, amen. I have let a lot go. It is really interesting to watch the family sort of look at me like "mom/shirley what are you doing? This is when you are supposed to answer the question/give permission/do the laundry/deal with the dog/make sure there is food and milk/etc, etc, etc" and I sort of look up from SI like "What?"


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Ukg.
I missed your post yesterday.
I am ok, not bad, not good, just ok.

You know, theres something I dont get with my H, and maybe you guys have a similar issue.
When I am strong and capable, he enjoys the benefits but then starts resenting me because maybe he feels emasculated or "shut out". Whatever.

When I am "weak" or vulnerable or needy (like I was after the accident), he might enjoy "being the strong one", for a little while (mood and sitch dependant), but then start resenting me for being that way.

Either way, strong or weak, I lose cos he resents me, and that comes out in his tone, actions and the generally the way he relates to me.

I was physically fine after the accident and had to deal with the police and the insurance people and getting rental car etc. He got a bit huffy when I told him to make the kids sleep as I was on the phone sorting the insurance out. Later on that night, my neck and shoulders started to really hurt and I told him I think I might have whiplash. HE said that he has never heard of a person getting whiplash hours after the accident and suggested that I was prob over-reacting. The next day, I googled it and what do you know...symptoms of whiplash DO appear hours, maybe even a day AFTER the accident.

He told me this morning that he wasnt going into work today; was calling in sick but will do work anyway as he had loads overdue but would also try to chill as he was so tired. Silly me...I thought he was staying to look after me, or maybe try to make it up for not being there for me yesterday. When I told him this, he said that he WAS very tired. Anyway, he changed his mind and has not called in sick and is "working"; which means surfing the net, staring at the walls lost in who-the fuck-knows which world.

And I cant go to my f-king GP for stronger pain killers as we are in a middle of my dispute with the practice!

Thanks, Rant over.

****
((((Ukg))))

That angry resentment will certainly burn a few holes through your tummy!
I should know. I spent a LOT of time being angry and resentful (and I still dip in there now and then
).

What does your IC suggest you do, to help you to let go of this? DO you want to let go?
How can we help?

***
Shirley

and I sort of look up from SI like "What?"

Boy, do I know THAT feeling!

You know what, I think we SHOULD and HAVE to give ourselves permission to just step back from the plate now and then.
I didnt realise how much the family depended on me until I did, and it scared me in that I wondered what would happen to them if I died/got committed (which ever one came first)?

So part of stepping back for me, was enabling them to step up. My sisters think that I give my kids too much responsibility with regard to household chores and working with a schedule. I dont think so. H is NOT a reliable person. He is not dependable or consistent. I think I would have failed my kiddos if I didnt prepare them to have a few handy skills...just in case.

AND it helps me in that I am not responsible for everything.

I am still ranting, arent I?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I am strong and capable, he enjoys the benefits but then starts resenting me because maybe he feels emasculated or "shut out". Whatever.

When I am "weak" or vulnerable or needy (like I was after the accident), he might enjoy "being the strong one", for a little while (mood and sitch dependant), but then start resenting me for being that way.

Either way, strong or weak, I lose cos he resents me, and that comes out in his tone, actions and the generally the way he relates to me.

You know this was a huge issue for me too. I was trying to make myself into whatever kind of woman he wanted to suit HIS issues. Some of which we discussed in MC and they were both -- that I was so strong and capable that I didn't "need" him or that I was being too "needy" and he felt overwhelmed. I vascillated between the two extremes.

BUT, the key here is to be who we are. Just don't be for someone else, or because you think you "should" or shouldn't be a certain way. That's what all this IC is supposed to be about I think.

The new "issue" her is that I'm now "too cynical" or "too naive". So when he gets THAT way, I just tell him to bug off, that's how I FEEL about THAT person or situation at THAT time. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel different. OR when I'm feeling particularly puckish, I'll go to one extreme in sarcasm.

Now that my unemployment has run out, AND they cut my hours at work, I know he'd LOVE to be hasseling me about getting a full time job again. He'll start it by making comments that "nothing" seems to be getting done around the house or needling me if I say I'm tired... "from what?"

The thing that always "catches" me is that he'll do it in a manner that can be taken either as trying to be funny or sarcastic (which is how he expresses his resentment). I'm just not always quick enough to catch which one it is before I react. Guess I'm going to have to start asking him that too.

SO you can't get better drugs, how about booking a massage?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((hugs))) on the car accidents! How scary. Glad everyone is safe! How are the cars though? ETA whiplash usually occurs hours later!

And I would suggest 7-10 min browsing means boyish curiosity, like flicking through a porn mag in the newsagent, but not buying

UKGirl, maybe this is true. Sometimes it's only 2 minutes and I think he goes on and then catches himself and goes off. Honestly, I am trying to figure out how I feel about it. It is not a big amount of time. It's been once in the past 2 weeks I think, maybe twice. Sometimes it's longer in between, sometimes shorter. I think that article hit the nail on the head. Intimacy is such a huge issue for H. I think as we work in MC and on communication, that is slowly, slowly getting better. SO I suspect if the intimacy gets better in our relationship then the porn would be less. Who knows. During the A, he looked at porn waaaay more I think. Maybe trying to meet that need that wasn't being met emotionally. MC says he literally needs to be shown and taught intimacy b/c he just never, ever was. And I can see now that it is really true. His mom is so disconnected in that way and that was what he grew up with. I think maybe I should let the porn go for now unless it gets worse and see where things lead.

I haven't been to IC in a while, but I think I need an appointment.I have so much in my head, you know?

LH, so with this thing you are doing, do you talk the whole time? I am so confused about it. She taps you and do you speak about a specific incident or how does that work? Or are you thinking in your head about it? Seems great that your stress level went down. How many sessions is it? Do you figure out the plan of the sessions beforehand?

Hurt, that's a wonderful revelation!!!


Being the mature one does mean all those things like bills, cleaning the house, kids lunch, all the school stuff, finding babysitters, etc. And I could ask him to do any of that and he would. I am getting much better at asking. It's the other stuff though. The knowing that we should probably talk a little more often but not willing to initiate it b/c it could be tough. The making no effort to spend time with me even though that is the right thing to do, the thing we have talked about needing to do. If we ever have any kind of problem, he is never the one to address it. Always me. I fix it all. I would love for him to take charge. Be the one in the lead of this R. Really be the grown up and take on the hard stuff even though he doesn't want to b/c he caused it all. But he will only do what he has to. Will only go to MC b/c he has to (my words, not his), goes to IC b/c he makes an appointment at the end of each session. Has gone out on dates b/c I planned them. I just want a man who will take charge, be the leader of the family. It's more of an emotional maturity that I want than a physical one. I do the majority of house and kid stuff but when asked, he easily would slip in to the role. Did so after my surgery in the spring. It's the truly being able to count on him to be in control that i want. And I in no way can truly count on him and trust him to be in control, to just lead fr a while and let me brain rest.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to rent it and watch it again just to freak out.

There are a million scenes that make me mad. The two main ones are where Helen walks in and catches them in flagrante delicto (correct use?)with the curvy, sexy Lydia straddling the pathetic Gerry, and the other is when Gerry and Lydia are at the hotel and Gerry is on the phone to Helen, making out he’s there all alone. I reckon FWH used to ring me when OW was in the shower and before they went for dinner. He always rang when he knew I was getting dinner for me and the boys and so couldn’t talk for long. The whole film makes me freak!!!

And, today, funnily enough. I was in Marks and Spencer at the checkout. I reached over for some particularly delicious chocolate covered dried summer fruits to add to my little shop. The man in front bent down and picked something up – is this yours? It was an earring and it was mine. I touched my ears and thought “Sliding dooooooors”. But I did not say “No one expects the Spanish Inquisition”! I did say thank you and smiled though.

symptoms of whiplash DO appear hours, maybe even a day AFTER the accident.

Errr, yup. I had my car written off by a quarry lorry fuckwit and it was the next day the whip lash came out. And I found a big bruise on my head, all down my arm and a whopper on my hip. So when the ins co didn’t want to pay what my car was worth (I’d had it 5wks), I sued for injury and distress! Served the buggers right.

And I cant go to my f-king GP for stronger pain killers as we are in a middle of my dispute with the practice

Pop down to A&E. They’ll sort you out. Maybe they’ll even give you an x-ray, then when you decide to sue the stupid woman, you’ve got your medical witness.

How can we help?

I’d like a rack, whip, genital electrodes and a HUGE pic of OW with the legend “BIG MISTAKE” underneath! Failing that, I’ll have my baseball bat back!

Maybe trying to meet that need that wasn't being met emotionally.

Interesting idea, SoL. Although we as women can say that his emotional needs were never going to be met by porn, and it’s not even as if the women are being portrayed as meeting the emotional needs of the men they’re fucking with, it all seems so very sad when actually, it is just about men’s power over women. Women fawning and stroking and admiring so these apologies for mankind can jerk off over them. Nah. But I kind of get it.

I do the majority of house and kid stuff but when asked, he easily would slip in to the role.

Same here. As long as I have the check list for shopping, list for how the freezers are organised, envelopes with payments in, dated and to whom, daily schedule for after school activities, days and times my lady who does comes in and when to make her coffee, basic instructions on sorting and doing washing and drying. And if he got stuck, to call his MUM!!!

H has actually suggested we go out.

BBL, or maybe tomorrow. Have a good evening everyone. I think there will be accusations and flame throwing for me tonight.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:41 PM, October 17th (Friday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I don't have time to post but I wanted to quickly make a note that there's a thread in General about why some people bounce back quicker than others and some of the responses are very interesting. I thought some of you might want to check it out. It was posted by hexed.
Have a good weekend everyone.
Hugs to all.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost and HB, I'm sorry about the accidents. That's such a scary feeling. I hope you two treat yourself with TLC. And Lost, I'm glad you were able to make the weekend special for your daughter.


D-day 7/29/04.

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