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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I I I
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, September 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to show you how far this infidelity thing has affected me.

H's buddy (the pig -- he's 57 going on 14, still giggles if you say the word "boob" or "dick") learned how to text. So of course I went on H's phone to see what they were texting about. His buddy is doing the "I can text asshole" thing. H is reponding appropriately like "so?" Anyway this guy is a real staunch conservative and the candidates were in his home town the other day. He texts H "Eating in _____, saw Saray, I am in love, I have lust in my heart."

I'm thinking immediately after reading it "how do I get him to tell me who Sarah is and can I get his wife's phone number and how do I confront this guy and should my H talk to him about the consequences, blah, blah.

Dawned on me today (after 24 hours) that he's talking about Sarah Palin, the VP candidate. He's just a plain old asshole, not a cheating one, but I jumped there for sure.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, September 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay! It's back up! I haven't been posting much, but lurking when I can. I don't think this site keeps me steeped in infidelity but is what has given me the strength to move forward. I don't think I would still be in the M either had it not been for this site.

I'm happy to share facebook, myspace, e-mail, etc. I only used the myspace and facebook to check up on my kiddos. I don't need to do that much any more now that they're grown.


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, September 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So last night I was about to switch everything off and logged on one last time “just in case” and – ping! SI back on again! So I scrabbled about, booted up my laptop (pc is family one), plugged in and did a quick catch up. Boy, am I relieved we’re back in the land of SI and The Tribe!

LostH, stop lurking and check in, will ya??! FYI, we plan to meet up in a couple of weeks time for lunch or something. Yay!

Shirley! You’ve been busy and it’s only been a couple of weeks! Your 1-4 points are the same for me and the concluding para even more so. The serial infidelity looks very interesting and I will be looking into that more over the next couple of days. I would say my H has certain vanity/arrogance issues (but that might just be male-related?). But, like weepy, I’ve moved away from FWH over the time SI has been down. I really think I can’t be bothered. Why does this A stuff have to be such a GAME, when there are no winners?

Things were very busy when the boys got home. And we had to get a few bits and pieces for them (like, they had no proper shoes!) to make sure they were presentable at the diamond wedding anniversary weekend. Which was not as bad as I had feared – so that was good. Last Thursday night, we got into bed and H said “have you got your ring?” Ooops! So he got them both out of the drawer and he put his on. It was weird, but he said he wanted to wear it. Then the next morning I got out all the other rings I would usually wear and I wore my true to myself ring under my wedding band and my eternity ring on my right. Stupid, but I felt the TTM ring was the most important one. Having not worn the band for over two years, it felt odd and heavy. It’s now back in a ring box, along with the others.

Actually, everything was fine over the weekend. Just a few triggers and one squirmy moment. Older B made his speech. Dad got up and gave a speech of thanks, which was nice. Until he said that this was a special day for another couple who know the secret to a happy marriage and to please raise your glasses to wish a happy 28th anniversary to DD and SIL. H leaned over and kissed me and someone took a photo. Oh, what a pair of fine actors we are. I shrugged it off when people chatted about it, saying 28 was nothing special and we had already “done” the anniversary. H had given me a card that morning, knowing I hadn’t got one for him.

IC last night. And I am becoming more and more convinced that H has done this before, but the OW’s have followed the rules and I suspect they were MOW. Now I have to tell him that MOW’sH and I have met. And what he has told me.

And OW and her photo (with her H) has arrived on Facebook. Fuck off and die already! Why do I feel the woman’s stalking me? I’m glad I’ve got a nice photo, taken on DS1’s b’day before DDay. When I was happy.

Has anyone taken the horses out since we’ve been down? Guess I’ll get over to the stables while it’s still warm outside and give them fresh straw and feed and promise a trot out at sunrise. Who do we have as stable boys and riders, apart from Malboro man - oh, and Colin Firth??


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, September 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I'm very happy to share F/B and email.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, September 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I just had a rough bedtime with my DS. We were reading books- it mentioned tickling and he said, "Daddy tickles OW" "I hid in the closet from OW". Of course, I can't help but wonder if these are memories or current situations going on....(he's 3.5) so I said, why did you hide in the closet? "Because I would hide & she said, where are you?"

So...I'm assuming they are memories- he has changed her name a little but geez- talk about a trigger! I told WH and he said he doesn't even remember ever tickling her.


On that note....last night was horrible. i haven't been a crying mess for months and it hit out of no where last night- I cried & cried then was upset with WH that he wasn't talking/offering anything. Surprise, surprise I am spotting today


HS- I have read over narcassistic stuff before and didn't think it really applied to my WH but after re-reading the first site I clicked on, I'm now more convinced. Not sure that's a good thing.....but we were just having a convo the other day, after sex actually about how he always takes & takes- it's always about him. I'll tell him I don't really like X and time after time he'll continue to do/try X. It puts huge pressure on me in that I either feel shitty about not performing X and get frustrated that I have to repeatedly ask him to stop. (going on a tangent now)


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, September 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be careful when you read on the web about malignant narcissism. A lot of the information comes from a guy named Sam Vaknin who has positioned himself as "the" web expert on NPD.

Problem is, he is diagnosed with NPD himself, and part of his pathology IMO is that he has painted NPD as the biggest, baddest, most monstrous disorder in the world (can you say grandiose?).

Not that NPD is not a terrible thing, but just like every psychiatric disorder there is a spectrum from very mild to very severe. He paints every person with NPD as an incurable monster and it just aint so.

He is clearly a brilliant guy, but he has no formal training in psychology, psychiatry, social work, counseling or anything similar. I believe his formal education is in engineering. But he is so prolific in his writing that his ideas have been spread far and wide and have become accepted as though he has some type of real expertise.

If you want to know about NPD or narcissistic tendencies, read the real experts in the field -- Masterson, Kernberg, Kohut etc. These are trained professionals who have treated hundreds of people with these disorders. And there are some good books for laypeople like us by people who have actually worked with diagnosed NPDers.

[This message edited by BorrowTrouble at 8:24 PM, September 24th (Wednesday)]


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, September 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanted to get on and tell everyone hello. Glad to see SI back up and running. I do peep in and do a little lurking when I can. I didn't like it a bit when it wasn't there for me. But I do understand. We were in Ike's path. Didn't get too bad here though. We were without power for about 5 days. My daughter just got her power back last weekend. We were just far enough north and east of the eye to come through with very little damage. My yard looked like a war zone, but I've got it cleaned up now. My old house, I have decided is indestructible. When I evacuated, I took my pictures with me and knew that I would not shed many tears if the house had been blown away. But, not to be, it's still standing. I've been trying to sell it, but if you could only see my nearest neighbors, you'd see why it's just NOT fixing to sell. No one wants to live across the street from them!!! People always give me their condolences for me having to put up with them. How did this happen???

Oh well, what ya gonna do?

Later,
FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, September 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am split between my emotional self that wants to reconcile with my H for me, for the family and even for him and my Rational self that keeps whapping me up side of the head and saying "WTF are you doing? This guy spent YEARS actively trying to destroy you and you are letting him in your life again????)

OMG HS, this is exactly where I've been for the past month. I feel like a schizophrenic. I am so torn, one minute holding on to him, kissing him and so thankful we are still together and the next, wishing he would drop dead so I could be happy again. I finally made it back to my IC yesterday, made the appointment after so many days without SI - thought I'd go crazy without everyone's support. (Thanks again Weepy)
This is exactly what we were talking about - what do I need to do to be happy - stay or leave??? I wish I could find the answer to that one. I like what your IC had to say. I might start trying to talk baby steps away and see how that feels since all of my efforts have been to stay and work things out.
Your 4 points were interesting but unfortunately my H only does your 4th point. He never confessed - had to get caught and he had no trouble leading the double life - I honestly think he'd still be living it if he hadn't gotten caught. He had an extreme attitude of entitlement - admits it and I believe that is why his conscience was at peace.
I told my IC that we are both living in this prison and it is taking a toll on both of us. I am afraid to let my H out of my sight and he is afraid to go because I am a nut case when he returns home so we both lock ourselves in this cage and we're both miserable. Of course, I know what I have to do, I just hope I can do it.
Anyway, how do we contribute to SI? I know that without them I, too, never would have gotten through these years. I hope this latest down time for SI means a flood of donations for them. Thanks to all who give so much to those of us struggling to survive.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, September 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf: There's a donation link on the left side. It will give you a way to do Paypal or send them a check.

hs: I read your 4 points too

1. My H does go to IC now without prodding. I think, however, he would quit if I told him he could.

2. H quit his behavior for years before I found out, then slipped.

3. He didn't confess, he fought tooth and nail not to confess until I found something irrefutable. Even 2 days before Dday he was still telling me I was paranoid and jealous and crazy to think he'd been with another woman. Even though she left her sweater in my car. He still swore he didn't know how it got there and some stranger walking down the street must have left in it there. Talk about grasping a straws.

4. He doesn't own his shit, not all of it anyway. He owns the decision to have them affairs, but the reasons leading up to why he had them are still my fault.

I'd like to add a 5. He still wants me over it NOW. Thinks I will be so much happier if I just pretend they never happen, like he does.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, September 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT, sorry I should have added some of the references. But your point is the most important which is NPD is a spectrum. Also, my H's IC agrees he was pretty far down the spectrum but is working to change. What frightened me the most is to read a bunch of these articles from the Mayo website to the crackpot websites and recognize so much of my H's behavior.

What I was trying to get across is that these people (people on the NPD spectrum) really, really need to want to change or it won't happen.

FNF - I like my therapists idea too. For the last week, I have been taking baby steps toward him. Sometimes it felt okay, other times I had to fight the instinct to recoil from the pain that I assumed would eventually come from it. I am seeing her today and I am curious as to her next steps. BTW, this is a new IC that I started with a few weeks ago. I like my other one but I thought my problems were a little out of her league and she didn't really have any "tactics" like this one does.

LostHeart...where are you? check in and let us know you are okay.

Now I have to tell him that MOW’sH and I have met. And what he has told me.

UK girl...is this a new development. Did this happen while SI was down or did I miss something? Did the OWH tell you something new?

I'd like to add a 5. He still wants me over it NOW. Thinks I will be so much happier if I just pretend they never happen, like he does.

Weepy, tell him to stuff it.
He doesn't get to dictate the timeline. Geez, what an asshat.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, September 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our DD left the room last night during one of our arguments. And it wasn't even about the affairs or his actions or behavior. It was politics. Actually it was about him having the only "right" way to handle the financial crisis. He's excellent at telling people what to do, how to fix things, but can't do or fix anything on his own.

He has the whole answer to this crisis, gee, why aren't the Harvard, Yale, MIT economists with 50+ years experience calling him? The guy who couldn't keep a simple roofing business out of the toilet? The guy who threw away thousands on hookers? (Hey he could at least point them to cheaper ones).

I absolutely despise him when he gets judgemental and all-knowing. The argument happened when I spoke up with another idea, one other than his. SO of course I am stupid, naive, too trusting and argumentative.

"So what's YOUR answer to the crisis?" he asks. I tell him I don't have one, it's out of my league, but at least I can admit I don't know everything.

BTW, his answer to the crisis is to have one person go lobby in Washington for the middle class. Every family should send this one person $10 so he can have the money to do that. HE would make a great lobbyist he says with that kind of money. This is the guy who can't even tell the paperboy to stop throwing the paper on our garden! Let alone deal with the powerful Washington cronies.

I gotta go to work now where there's reasonable people.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, September 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HE would make a great lobbyist he says with that kind of money. This is the guy who can't even tell the paperboy to stop throwing the paper on our garden!

I sorry Weepy but that just cracked me up!!

I gotta go to work now where there's reasonable people.

That sounds like a great idea. Weepy, your H is delusional if he thinks he could even begin to understand what is going on in the markets right now much less come up with a solution. Ask him to explain a "credit default swap" is and how they have contributed to this mess!! I bet he will have fun with that one!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, September 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does this A stuff have to be such a GAME, when there are no winners?

This really hit me! That is exactly how I feel.

I never saw myself as secretive or manipulative, but now feel like I am always looking for this. "What secrets is he hiding now, why is he suggesting this or that? Is it all to manipulate me?"

It really feels like a game we are playing sometimes and I HATE IT!!!

I want so badly to be able to put it all aside and just start fresh. I know that is what WH wants and can't understand why I don't. Idiot!! If only it were that easy.


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, September 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Friends!!!

If UKg hadnt emailed me that SI was back on, I wouldnt have known. Every day for several times I would check in and after awhile I just gave up.

I went bad. Really bad.
The manager called me asking whats wrong. I was begging H and IC for permissionto end it and a guarantee that the kids were be ok.( I am going to give a quick version of this to spare you the trauma).IC and homepath had me on S watch and I had to check in everyday. EVERYTHING was wrong. Yesterday I got a traffic ticket for last wed am for driving in the bus lane..I remember it too cos I was crying continously on my way to work, couldnt see straight and just didnt give a damn.

I just needed permission from 1 person..and that would have been it.I guess thats my controlled upbringing coming in where I needed permission before I did anything.

Kids are back, Will catch up later


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, September 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((LH))) Big hugs from across the pond!

Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, September 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH, it's quite a relief for me, anyway to see you posting. I think having an accountability partner that you check in with is a great idea for your now and you need to go get med checked immediately.

Chonda Pierce. You need to go check out her website, her book, her comedy. She was depressed, and a believer. She told her D one day "go see how deep the water is in the river out back." When her D asked why she answered "because if it's deep enough, I'm going ot let it take me and all my troubles away." The D called her H and both of them drove her to a hospital IMMEDIATELY. Saved her life.

I don't sense what you are doing and saying as being drama and I hope your family doesn't see it that way either. We're here, but we can't be THERE. Although each one of us wishes we could be and are in spirit.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, September 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((LostHeart)))))

I agree with Weepy. It is good there is someone there IRL checking in on you.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, September 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys.

My Ic was confused.I was overwhelmed. H was just...he didnt know what to do. Where was this coming from? IC suggested maybe an antiversary of some sort. Maybe the accumulation of the previous months events. All I knew was that every breath was hard to take in.

I emailed 4 of my best friends whom I had lost touch with since dday, and thanked each of them for their part in my life. My gran visited and I sat on the floor next to her,held her hand on mine and apologised for an incident that occured years ago and was, to the best of my knowledge, the only time she expressed disappointment in me (she didnt even remember the incident but that didnt matter, I needed to do that). I was slowly saying goodbye to this world.
I couldnt even bear to be with the kids...i would come home and lie down or hide behind a book.

Then last Thursday, as I was popping my last pill from my backpain stash, I took out the leaflet inside and read it for the heck of it.
And my eyes grew larger and my heart started beating so loud, I was sure everyone could hear it.

I had been prescribed the wrong medicine. Well it could be used for back pain, but more often used for celebral palsy, epilepsy and depression...diazepram, otherwise known as Valuim. And I was on max dosage.
Worse, it was NOT to be used in conjunction with the antideps I was already on!
And the side effects were extreme depression with high suicidal tendencies. And the person was to be watched carefully in the early days to ensure that they dont react in that way.

My GP didnt mention any of this. All he said was that i might be feel more sleepy than usual and to take it easy. I hadnt even bothered to read the leaflet (which I always do relgiously) cos everything had been so hectic.

I called IC and homepath straight away...and they both were shocked. Went to the GP the next day (my usual one wasnt there, so had to see the one on standby)and she was also shocked that I had been prescribed that for back pain, but more so the high dosage. She said just 2 mg made her so sleepy, she couldnt drive..so how did I manage for 2 weeks on a 15mg dosage???!!
Of course, she said that I should just forget about this, and just carry on with some paracetemol painkillers and rest.

I spent the next few days in withdrawals and am only now coming out of it. And here I am.

My IC is writing a letter of complaint re neglicence to the the practice. She said if I want to chase this up, I could but it was up to me.

I am still a bit numb. I cant believe this happened. I cant believe I came so so close. I am still feeling vulnerable and am not ready for a fight with the GP, though part of me knows that this has to be done.So here I am.

And this was supposed to be short.

Thank you, each of you for your concern and support.

BT, that was beautiful.
Oneday, I am going to hold you to that.

Fnf
You too.

I am tired already now, and its the kids bedtime.
I feel old and tired and drained...but I am not crazy.
I. AM. NOT. CRAZY.
You cant believe the relief I feel saying that.

Love,
LH

[This message edited by Lost Heart at 1:58 PM, September 25th (Thursday)]


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, September 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostHeart,

I am glad to see you have come back.
Like Weepy said, having an accountability person was a godsend.

Please do whatever it takes to feel better, and find joy and hope in life.

I will gladly mail you my rose-colored glasses! They even have rhinestones on them!!

Your children need you to be there for them, ans we would be lost without you.


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, September 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH,

I am such a slow typer that I posted after you had, giving us the info.

How very lucky that the wrong meds thing was caught.

Your "guardian" angel was on the job!!

I miss all of you's, and you are in my thoughts and prayers always. I am leaving in about 20 min's for Kentucky Lake till Monday. We are going to the Paducah bbq cook-off. Cold beer, bbq, and beautiful sunny weather.

I will check-in when I get home.

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
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