H's buddy (the pig -- he's 57 going on 14, still giggles if you say the word "boob" or "dick") learned how to text. So of course I went on H's phone to see what they were texting about. His buddy is doing the "I can text asshole" thing. H is reponding appropriately like "so?" Anyway this guy is a real staunch conservative and the candidates were in his home town the other day. He texts H "Eating in _____, saw Saray, I am in love, I have lust in my heart."
I'm thinking immediately after reading it "how do I get him to tell me who Sarah is and can I get his wife's phone number and how do I confront this guy and should my H talk to him about the consequences, blah, blah.
Dawned on me today (after 24 hours) that he's talking about Sarah Palin, the VP candidate. He's just a plain old asshole, not a cheating one, but I jumped there for sure.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
I'm happy to share facebook, myspace, e-mail, etc. I only used the myspace and facebook to check up on my kiddos. I don't need to do that much any more now that they're grown.
LostH, stop lurking and check in, will ya??! FYI, we plan to meet up in a couple of weeks time for lunch or something. Yay!
Shirley! You’ve been busy and it’s only been a couple of weeks! Your 1-4 points are the same for me and the concluding para even more so. The serial infidelity looks very interesting and I will be looking into that more over the next couple of days. I would say my H has certain vanity/arrogance issues (but that might just be male-related?). But, like weepy, I’ve moved away from FWH over the time SI has been down. I really think I can’t be bothered. Why does this A stuff have to be such a GAME, when there are no winners?
Things were very busy when the boys got home. And we had to get a few bits and pieces for them (like, they had no proper shoes!) to make sure they were presentable at the diamond wedding anniversary weekend. Which was not as bad as I had feared – so that was good. Last Thursday night, we got into bed and H said “have you got your ring?” Ooops! So he got them both out of the drawer and he put his on. It was weird, but he said he wanted to wear it. Then the next morning I got out all the other rings I would usually wear and I wore my true to myself ring under my wedding band and my eternity ring on my right. Stupid, but I felt the TTM ring was the most important one. Having not worn the band for over two years, it felt odd and heavy. It’s now back in a ring box, along with the others.
Actually, everything was fine over the weekend. Just a few triggers and one squirmy moment. Older B made his speech. Dad got up and gave a speech of thanks, which was nice. Until he said that this was a special day for another couple who know the secret to a happy marriage and to please raise your glasses to wish a happy 28th anniversary to DD and SIL. H leaned over and kissed me and someone took a photo. Oh, what a pair of fine actors we are. I shrugged it off when people chatted about it, saying 28 was nothing special and we had already “done” the anniversary. H had given me a card that morning, knowing I hadn’t got one for him.
IC last night. And I am becoming more and more convinced that H has done this before, but the OW’s have followed the rules and I suspect they were MOW. Now I have to tell him that MOW’sH and I have met. And what he has told me.
And OW and her photo (with her H) has arrived on Facebook. Fuck off and die already! Why do I feel the woman’s stalking me? I’m glad I’ve got a nice photo, taken on DS1’s b’day before DDay. When I was happy.
Has anyone taken the horses out since we’ve been down? Guess I’ll get over to the stables while it’s still warm outside and give them fresh straw and feed and promise a trot out at sunrise. Who do we have as stable boys and riders, apart from Malboro man - oh, and Colin Firth??
So...I'm assuming they are memories- he has changed her name a little but geez- talk about a trigger! I told WH and he said he doesn't even remember ever tickling her.
On that note....last night was horrible. i haven't been a crying mess for months and it hit out of no where last night- I cried & cried then was upset with WH that he wasn't talking/offering anything. Surprise, surprise I am spotting today
HS- I have read over narcassistic stuff before and didn't think it really applied to my WH but after re-reading the first site I clicked on, I'm now more convinced. Not sure that's a good thing.....but we were just having a convo the other day, after sex actually about how he always takes & takes- it's always about him. I'll tell him I don't really like X and time after time he'll continue to do/try X. It puts huge pressure on me in that I either feel shitty about not performing X and get frustrated that I have to repeatedly ask him to stop. (going on a tangent now)
D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA
"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".
Problem is, he is diagnosed with NPD himself, and part of his pathology IMO is that he has painted NPD as the biggest, baddest, most monstrous disorder in the world (can you say grandiose?).
Not that NPD is not a terrible thing, but just like every psychiatric disorder there is a spectrum from very mild to very severe. He paints every person with NPD as an incurable monster and it just aint so.
He is clearly a brilliant guy, but he has no formal training in psychology, psychiatry, social work, counseling or anything similar. I believe his formal education is in engineering. But he is so prolific in his writing that his ideas have been spread far and wide and have become accepted as though he has some type of real expertise.
If you want to know about NPD or narcissistic tendencies, read the real experts in the field -- Masterson, Kernberg, Kohut etc. These are trained professionals who have treated hundreds of people with these disorders. And there are some good books for laypeople like us by people who have actually worked with diagnosed NPDers.
[This message edited by BorrowTrouble at 8:24 PM, September 24th (Wednesday)]
Oh well, what ya gonna do?
If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?
I am split between my emotional self that wants to reconcile with my H for me, for the family and even for him and my Rational self that keeps whapping me up side of the head and saying "WTF are you doing? This guy spent YEARS actively trying to destroy you and you are letting him in your life again????)
hs: I read your 4 points too
1. My H does go to IC now without prodding. I think, however, he would quit if I told him he could.
2. H quit his behavior for years before I found out, then slipped.
3. He didn't confess, he fought tooth and nail not to confess until I found something irrefutable. Even 2 days before Dday he was still telling me I was paranoid and jealous and crazy to think he'd been with another woman. Even though she left her sweater in my car. He still swore he didn't know how it got there and some stranger walking down the street must have left in it there. Talk about grasping a straws.
4. He doesn't own his shit, not all of it anyway. He owns the decision to have them affairs, but the reasons leading up to why he had them are still my fault.
I'd like to add a 5. He still wants me over it NOW. Thinks I will be so much happier if I just pretend they never happen, like he does.
What I was trying to get across is that these people (people on the NPD spectrum) really, really need to want to change or it won't happen.
FNF - I like my therapists idea too. For the last week, I have been taking baby steps toward him. Sometimes it felt okay, other times I had to fight the instinct to recoil from the pain that I assumed would eventually come from it. I am seeing her today and I am curious as to her next steps. BTW, this is a new IC that I started with a few weeks ago. I like my other one but I thought my problems were a little out of her league and she didn't really have any "tactics" like this one does.
LostHeart...where are you? check in and let us know you are okay.
Now I have to tell him that MOW’sH and I have met. And what he has told me.
UK girl...is this a new development. Did this happen while SI was down or did I miss something? Did the OWH tell you something new?
I'd like to add a 5. He still wants me over it NOW. Thinks I will be so much happier if I just pretend they never happen, like he does.
Weepy, tell him to stuff it.
He doesn't get to dictate the timeline. Geez, what an asshat.
He has the whole answer to this crisis, gee, why aren't the Harvard, Yale, MIT economists with 50+ years experience calling him? The guy who couldn't keep a simple roofing business out of the toilet? The guy who threw away thousands on hookers? (Hey he could at least point them to cheaper ones).
I absolutely despise him when he gets judgemental and all-knowing. The argument happened when I spoke up with another idea, one other than his. SO of course I am stupid, naive, too trusting and argumentative.
"So what's YOUR answer to the crisis?" he asks. I tell him I don't have one, it's out of my league, but at least I can admit I don't know everything.
BTW, his answer to the crisis is to have one person go lobby in Washington for the middle class. Every family should send this one person $10 so he can have the money to do that. HE would make a great lobbyist he says with that kind of money. This is the guy who can't even tell the paperboy to stop throwing the paper on our garden! Let alone deal with the powerful Washington cronies.
I gotta go to work now where there's reasonable people.
HE would make a great lobbyist he says with that kind of money. This is the guy who can't even tell the paperboy to stop throwing the paper on our garden!
I sorry Weepy but that just cracked me up!!
That sounds like a great idea. Weepy, your H is delusional if he thinks he could even begin to understand what is going on in the markets right now much less come up with a solution. Ask him to explain a "credit default swap" is and how they have contributed to this mess!! I bet he will have fun with that one!!
Why does this A stuff have to be such a GAME, when there are no winners?
This really hit me! That is exactly how I feel.
I never saw myself as secretive or manipulative, but now feel like I am always looking for this. "What secrets is he hiding now, why is he suggesting this or that? Is it all to manipulate me?"
It really feels like a game we are playing sometimes and I HATE IT!!!
I want so badly to be able to put it all aside and just start fresh. I know that is what WH wants and can't understand why I don't. Idiot!! If only it were that easy.
If UKg hadnt emailed me that SI was back on, I wouldnt have known. Every day for several times I would check in and after awhile I just gave up.
I went bad. Really bad.
The manager called me asking whats wrong. I was begging H and IC for permissionto end it and a guarantee that the kids were be ok.( I am going to give a quick version of this to spare you the trauma).IC and homepath had me on S watch and I had to check in everyday. EVERYTHING was wrong. Yesterday I got a traffic ticket for last wed am for driving in the bus lane..I remember it too cos I was crying continously on my way to work, couldnt see straight and just didnt give a damn.
I just needed permission from 1 person..and that would have been it.I guess thats my controlled upbringing coming in where I needed permission before I did anything.
Kids are back, Will catch up later
Chonda Pierce. You need to go check out her website, her book, her comedy. She was depressed, and a believer. She told her D one day "go see how deep the water is in the river out back." When her D asked why she answered "because if it's deep enough, I'm going ot let it take me and all my troubles away." The D called her H and both of them drove her to a hospital IMMEDIATELY. Saved her life.
I don't sense what you are doing and saying as being drama and I hope your family doesn't see it that way either. We're here, but we can't be THERE. Although each one of us wishes we could be and are in spirit.
I agree with Weepy. It is good there is someone there IRL checking in on you.
My Ic was confused.I was overwhelmed. H was just...he didnt know what to do. Where was this coming from? IC suggested maybe an antiversary of some sort. Maybe the accumulation of the previous months events. All I knew was that every breath was hard to take in.
I emailed 4 of my best friends whom I had lost touch with since dday, and thanked each of them for their part in my life. My gran visited and I sat on the floor next to her,held her hand on mine and apologised for an incident that occured years ago and was, to the best of my knowledge, the only time she expressed disappointment in me (she didnt even remember the incident but that didnt matter, I needed to do that). I was slowly saying goodbye to this world.
I couldnt even bear to be with the kids...i would come home and lie down or hide behind a book.
Then last Thursday, as I was popping my last pill from my backpain stash, I took out the leaflet inside and read it for the heck of it.
And my eyes grew larger and my heart started beating so loud, I was sure everyone could hear it.
I had been prescribed the wrong medicine. Well it could be used for back pain, but more often used for celebral palsy, epilepsy and depression...diazepram, otherwise known as Valuim. And I was on max dosage.
Worse, it was NOT to be used in conjunction with the antideps I was already on!
And the side effects were extreme depression with high suicidal tendencies. And the person was to be watched carefully in the early days to ensure that they dont react in that way.
My GP didnt mention any of this. All he said was that i might be feel more sleepy than usual and to take it easy. I hadnt even bothered to read the leaflet (which I always do relgiously) cos everything had been so hectic.
I called IC and homepath straight away...and they both were shocked. Went to the GP the next day (my usual one wasnt there, so had to see the one on standby)and she was also shocked that I had been prescribed that for back pain, but more so the high dosage. She said just 2 mg made her so sleepy, she couldnt drive..so how did I manage for 2 weeks on a 15mg dosage???!!
Of course, she said that I should just forget about this, and just carry on with some paracetemol painkillers and rest.
I spent the next few days in withdrawals and am only now coming out of it. And here I am.
My IC is writing a letter of complaint re neglicence to the the practice. She said if I want to chase this up, I could but it was up to me.
I am still a bit numb. I cant believe this happened. I cant believe I came so so close. I am still feeling vulnerable and am not ready for a fight with the GP, though part of me knows that this has to be done.So here I am.
And this was supposed to be short.
Thank you, each of you for your concern and support.
BT, that was beautiful.
Oneday, I am going to hold you to that.
I am tired already now, and its the kids bedtime.
I feel old and tired and drained...but I am not crazy.
I. AM. NOT. CRAZY.
You cant believe the relief I feel saying that.
[This message edited by Lost Heart at 1:58 PM, September 25th (Thursday)]
I am glad to see you have come back.
Like Weepy said, having an accountability person was a godsend.
Please do whatever it takes to feel better, and find joy and hope in life.
I will gladly mail you my rose-colored glasses! They even have rhinestones on them!!
Your children need you to be there for them, ans we would be lost without you.
I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!
Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27
I am such a slow typer that I posted after you had, giving us the info.
How very lucky that the wrong meds thing was caught.
Your "guardian" angel was on the job!!
I miss all of you's, and you are in my thoughts and prayers always. I am leaving in about 20 min's for Kentucky Lake till Monday. We are going to the Paducah bbq cook-off. Cold beer, bbq, and beautiful sunny weather.
I will check-in when I get home.