Hope everyone is well.
D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA
"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".
Hopefully, the rest of the tribe will show up soon and let us know they are OK.
Doing okay, still think about the infidelity daily, at least some of the time--but it doesn't fill my mind and life like it did. I guess it's time, and distance from OW/OC so I don't have to be so suspicious, (even though H is not giving off any vibes or anything suspicious--course he didn't during the LTA either--but it is different now--we aren't so parallel lived now, more connected)
No difference in my feelings of loss though--that's something I have to learn to live with, and I'm kicking and screaming at the unfairness of it all every step of the way to acceptance. Don't know if I'll ever reach it. Just get more resigned to it!
Hugs to all and so glad to see everyone.
How are you Lost?
LH? You there?
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Tense days without SI, so glad to have you all back. Although some SI'ers poked me on Facebook and LH and I have been in touch.
I am completely onboard with sharing emails addresses. I don't have facebook or myspace since I am, apparently, a dinosaur.
I am also into the idea of exchanging e-mails, and I also have facebook or myspace, if anyone else is interested.
How is eveyone???
I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!
Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27
Got through our 10 year anniversary with many a tear and a horrible fight and am trying to slowly crawl my way out to get ready for dday anniversary. Fun, fun.
LH, how you doing?? I've been thinking of you.
News from us:
WH found a IC yesterday! He has been trying more and due to our schedule constraints it was difficult but he is finally scheduled to start Monday. It's only taken 6.5 months. HUGH sigh of relief for me. I feel like we're having limited progress till he can work on some of his own shit.
We had MC today which was rough. Started out with not much to talk about & ended with me being SUPER emotional, possibly the most there yet, WH being tearful, and having a big ol argument about talking about the A. I feel at this point we are barely talking about the A & feel that it's largely due to WH putting up a wall or whatnot when I attempt to talk. He says he wants me to talk through stuff- he wants to help me....but it feels like time & time again I get squashed. So...we both seem to think the other isn't getting it....but we've talked today and at least we're at an okay place.
I'm tired of this....
I hope all of you are okay and coping. I know it has had to have been hard for all of us to not have SI. I realize how much this support board means to you.and to me.
I really just wanted to say HI and good wishes to each of you. Glad we're all back and online again.
Hugs to all,
Has anyone heard from our girl, Lost?
I've told everyone that this place kept my M intact. That I never thought there was gettingpast an affair. The M was over, period. I've never known anyone who's survived that kind of trauma to their M, until I came here.
However, the most inciteful thing I've done for myself in the last 2 weeks has been to start reading and studying "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay." I've gone through 11 of the guidelines and 8 of them have pointed to "leave". There's 30 all together, so we'll see how it shakes out at the end.
I'm not "working" on my M or worrying about what he wants from me. My IC gave me a recommendation for some relaxation tapes and they came in yesterday. I can't wait to get started on them. I'll let you all know how they work out. Two members from here kept me afloat when I needed them and I can't say how grateful I am this place exists.
I am grateful that DS and MH survived the storm and appreciate all their efforts to get the site back up. I did worry about those who stumbled in here looking for support and couldn't get it. I hope they keep trying.
And now that I have the address again, I am sending DS a donation. If you read her post in General, it's like ALL they cared about was getting this site functional again. Above their own safety and security. Amazing folks.
It was very hard to feel like this lifeline was gone if I needed it. I don't have facebook or myspace, but would share emails.
Glad everyone seems to be doing ok. As ok as we can be I guess. Some days I wonder if I will ever feel like I really am ok, happy with my life, the way it was before.
I know it won't ever be the same. Wouldn't want it to be. But I would love for someone to ask me how I am and inside know that when I say good, I really am good.
Make sense to anyone??
The reason I am bringing this up is that malignant narcissism cannot be treated with medications at all (AD won't do a thing). It is a personality disorder that must be tackled with extremely intensive therapy with a VERY WILLING patient. Narcissists are great actors and can fool therapists for ages. I know there is an NPD thread here and I am not going in there because I think it will stop my efforts at R. I have had 2 IC sessions on this topic, H had his IC discuss it and we talked about it this week in MC. My IC did admit that NPD, particularly malignant NPD, is extremely hard to overcome and that the only way to get it under control is intensive lengthy therapy (years) with almost a permanent follow-up to look for slippages. Most narcissist resist treatment (and, if you think about it, that makes sense. They have co-dependents that are supporting their narcissistic world where they do nothing but take....pretty good deal if you can get it) She said most narcissists only seek therapy when some crisis in their life destabilizes their life so extremely that they must reach out.
As you can imagine, this is a very scary topic to confront. My H was very successful at lying to me for years. How do I know he is really trying? Well, our MC said the following:
1) He is willingly going to IC without prodding, etc 2x per week and his IC sees changes in his attitude, ability to feel empathy, etc.
2) He tried to quit his behavior willingly before he confessed. He recognized it was wrong and tried to "come back" to me and the family.
3) He confessed. So somewhere deep inside he knew he could not continue on the same path and needed a "crisis" to change.
4) He is doing whatever is asked of him including completely owning his shit. He does not blameshift. He says that what he did was disgusting and makes him sick.
These are the positive signs that I can hang onto. Without them, I would be nuts to stay as his true self would emerge sooner. Maybe this is all still a lie. There is no way to know. That is what I am working on. I am now split in the same way my H was before. He had two lives. He compartmentalized them and they fought against each other leading him to mental instability.
You know the roller coaster that we are on? I think I know what causes it but haven't figured out the solution! My IC said I am split between my emotional self that wants to reconcile with my H for me, for the family and even for him and my Rational self that keeps whapping me up side of the head and saying "WTF are you doing? This guy spent YEARS actively trying to destroy you and you are letting him in your life again????) My IC said I need to start VERY slowly moving toward one side or the other. Toward full R with trust, etc or toward a split but I can't live like this much longer. Maybe that is where the two year mark comes in? She suggested taking baby steps toward being closer to him (not really trust yet just closer) and see how it feels. If that doesn't work baby steps away and see how that feels. Over time, one will feel better, one will show itself to be the path.
Whew! So that's what I have been doing (other than checking on SI 15 times a day to see if it was back up ) How's about the rest of you guys?