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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I I I
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, September 7th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH,

But when he gets like this, and add in the kids acting up and add in the extended family and add in the stress of work...I am ready to give up. My cowardly streak comes racing out.

My friend, it may not seem like it now, but this is where I was for a long, long time. Serious bouts of depression after the LTA- even more than after we lost our baby boy. But please hear me, these feelings they will pass. In the depths of the darkness it is hard to see. And I still occasionally slide back to that place, but I tell you that you need to muster up any little kernel of strength left in you to fight. YOU are not the wanker. YOU did not choose this- he had the LTA and you are left to pick up the peices.

Why is your H unwilling to do the MC? Can you tell him that this is a dealbreaker & that you need a third party input to help you get through this?

Truly, my H hated going to MC. But sometimes when I wanted to quit he would urge us on and vice versa.

I will say that you do not have to stay if your H is abusive or if you really feel like you are at your wit's end and he is not willing to commit to the changes. This thing with women & boundaries- well we've all had to look at this again after dday. And the bottom line is you have to come up with something that both of you can live with- but really our FWS needs to defer more to us in my opinion. They've already shown their judgment lacking in that area, and if YOUR red flags are going off, obviously you are NOT crazy and you should listen. So should he.

Hang in there, friend...at least you are talking on SI. I think it if you can't get into IC that it is also time to reenergize the "it's about me" plan. Meaning, focus more on your own healing and less on healing the marriage. You can't heal your H- only he is capable of doing that.

Hugs,
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says he is up to nothing and its my paranoia and insecurity.

Oh this just frosts me. Insecure... uh yeah. Standing over an abyss holding on by threads, hoping some breeze doesn't come by and blow you off? What are you supposed to feel confident that he's going to throw you a rope and not going to snip those threads?

There's a saying something like "even the paranoid could have someone out to get them." or something like that. We all have every reason to be suspicious of their interactions with women. Especially that.

I don't ever hope any more that my H will "get" that. He may be angry and miserable when I put my foot down, but he at least stops, or adjusts them in my presence anyway. I never did know what he did all day long or how he interacted with women on the job. Still don't. But I know he's thinking twice before he does anything that might alert me. And he knows that my "spidey sense" is not tuned to him. He'd never get away with just telling me "stuff" if I asked what he did all day.

Your Hs ever get suspicious of you?

Yesterday H couldn't find his car keys. He dropped them on the dining room hutch, where it's mostly my stuff residing. When he found them he gave me the "now what were they doing THERE?" Like I'd be careless enough to leave them with my things if I was snooping in his car. C'mon I'm smarter than that!


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH - I am worried about you. I returned from my vacation and read your posts and I was wondering what happened that triggered these thoughts of S. Is your H being nasty again? Why are you feeling suspicious about this woman that he works with? Did he say something to you about her? I am around most of the day if you need to talk. We all care so much about you and I just hate to see you in this place again. I hope with all my heart that you are doing better today but if you're still in that dark place, please reach out to us. Many, many hugs LH.
BT - I'm glad to hear you survived this latest hurricane threat. I cannot imagine your worries after the devastation of Katrina. Looks like Ike is going to pass you by. Hopefully, this years hurricane season will soon be over.
I wanted to add my welcome to our new members. As always, I am so saddened to return and find more LTA victims. So much pain and for what? As long as I live, I will never understand how our WS's were able to give so little thought to the pain and heartbreak their need for sexual perversions would cause. It makes me so angry at the overall weakness of men and the OW that eagerly gratify their sexual and egotistical urges.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a major meltdown this week while away on vacation and actually thought it was time to give up the fight to save my M. It is the closest I have ever come to giving up on us. I get so damn tired of the battle to survive. It's utterly exhausting especially when our clueless H's make mistakes in judgment that cause us to slip down into the abyss.
I hope you don't mind if I go into a little detail here but this is a recurring problem and I hope someone can help me.
My H was in a LTA with the OW from his office. Her best friend also worked at the office and I KNOW that she was fully aware of their A and covered for them or at the very least kept this information from me and therefore was no friend to my M or to me. I have always believed that although those in the office who knew were protecting their own interests, they could have sent me an anonymous letter letting me know what was going on.
This person began working in my H's office at the time my H and I were married so I have known her all of my married life yet the OW did not start working there until years later. Maybe it was too much to expect that she would have felt some sense of loyalty to me but I do believe she protected this OW and her A with my H and I can't help but see her as a member of the enemy camp. Now here is my dilemma. She has recurrent breast CA and is not doing well. I have asked my H to make any calls to her while in my presence so that I make sure no talk of the OW is involved. Paranoia - absolutely. Just before we left he came home and admitted that he had called her from the office and I was very upset. He told me he forgot what I had asked him but I could tell he didn't think it was a big deal. Then while we were away, we got a call that she was in the hospital and was not doing well. This of course triggered a nightmare that destroyed the following day. My fear is that the OW will take advantage of this opportunity to contact my H or bump into him during a visit to her in the hospital. Some months after d-day she did contact my H about this friend crying to him about her condition. He came home and told me of the call and said he hung up on her but you can see where my fear is. I feel terrible that this woman is suffering yet she was not a friend to me or my M and now I see her situation as a potential threat. Isn't that just awful? I never would be so heartless but knowing that she protected them and not me in the past I can't help but keep up a wall of protection instead of allowing my compassion for her to be more generous now.
I don't know what I'm asking here, maybe just to see if any of you can understand what I'm going through. I hate being so heartless but she represents the last piece of my H's LTA connection and I just want all of the pieces to disappear forever.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 7:38 AM, September 8th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate being so heartless but she represents the last piece of my H's LTA connection and I just want all of the pieces to disappear forever.

FNF - I don't think you are being heartless at all. I recognize these thoughts and struggled with them at first but now I have come to realize that this "heartlessness" is really just our own way of doing what we have to do to survive. This is the act of "taking care of ourselves" that we all tell each other to do here. You are not being heartless, you are looking out for your own heart.

If this woman was not a friend of the marriage, then fuck her. AND, your H needs to respect your boundaries on this. I don't care if she is dying, he should not have contact with her without your presence. Finally, a suggestion? He should NOT visit her alone. If he must go to see her, you MUST go with her. That way you avoid an "coincidental" meetings with the OW.

I can see where this would throw you down. It puts you right back into that era of the LTA. All the players are there and you feel the presence of the A.

((((FNF))))

LostH - I am so sorry you are struggling. I know you have times when you feel like your H is doing better but from what you have said, it doesn't sound like he is 100% committed. And, unfortunately, after an A and especially after an LTA, 100% commitment is vital to the survival of the M. Talk to us and let us know you are okay.

((((LostHeart))))

Sorry I haven't been around much. Real life has been crazy, I have been lurking and not posting. I don't want to jinx myself.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It puts you right back into that era of the LTA. All the players are there and you feel the presence of the A.

This is it exactly, HS. Thank you for understanding. I hate feeling so vulnerable and even though I know you are right, that I am protecting my own heart, I can't help but feel somewhat heartless knowing she is suffering. I just can't trust this little trio of players to look out for me when none of them did during all of those years.
It's good to see you back. I get what you're saying about not jinxing anything so I'm not asking. I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't help but feel somewhat heartless knowing she is suffering

How about this? You are simply respecting her by treating her exactly like she treated you - therefore, she must understand, right? She stood by knowing that you would suffer and did nothing. How heartless is that? If she doesn't like it, she is the one that set the precident.

(thanks for not asking )


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she doesn't like it, she is the one that set the precident.

I like the way you think! This does make me feel better.
BTW, I sent you a PM.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi everyone, i am new here. i was posting on the just found out forum, but it was suggested to me i try here. my wh was in a long term a. 15 years of our 20 year marriage with his best friends wife. he knows and is working out is own stuff. my wh wants to work on us. he is stating he is so very sorry and remorsful. i just dont know how to get past this. all the years of my life being a lie. has anyone been through this? there is nc between families now. ours and theirs children are heartbroken that they cant see each other. they were best friends also. how do i move on and try to be happy? my wh states he will stand by me however long it takes. he says all he wants to do right now is make me happy and that he is so sorry for what he has done to our family. he has answered all my questions, at least the ones i have come up with to ask, he has given up all of his privacy. i cant stop wondering why he kept me around. he has answered me, but i an not sure if he is just telling me what i want to hear or if he really feels that way. thanks for listening and letting me vent!


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to our sad little corner, hurt789. Unfortunately, many of us here know exactly what you're going through. My H's LTA lasted 8 years, at least that's what he admits to. This is a period of shock right now for you. I remember feeling like I was walking in a daze for months, crying, not sleeping, angry outbursts, hysterical bonding, the works. The most important advice we receive here is to get yourself and your H into C'ing, both IC'ing and MC'ing. Hopefully you will find a good one but, unfortunately, it is difficult to find one that has dealt with LTA's like ours. Then be good to yourself. Do whatever it is you need to take care of yourself during this difficult period. Exercise, read in the healing library, seek out books on healing from infidelity, talk to a few trusted friends or family, get a massage to ease the tension, whatever it is you need, you must do to make it through this period of shock and heartbreak.
Your situation is complicated too because of the connections with the OW's family. ALthough the OW in my case was someone I thought to be a friend, it was easy for me to cut all ties with her and anyone connected with her (current situation excluded if you read my previous posts today). When children are involved, I can only imagine how sad and difficult this must be for them. The degree of selfishness is overwhelming to come to terms with. The extent of betrayal even more so, IMHO. Post often. Many here give wonderful, sound advice and lots of support and caring. We all have different stories but the tragic elements of each are closely related so we know what you are going through.
(((hurt789)


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks FNF. Sadly, it helps knowing I am not alone. I have read everthing in the healing library with my wh. I have also read several books on the subjuct. They have helped me try to understand. I came home early from work today due to this being a bad day. No triggers, just everything rushing into my head all at once. I want to call him to come home to from work be with me, but I can not fully understand why I need him to comfort me because he is the one that made me feel this way!! I wish there was some kind of magic pill to take to know for sure if he is being honest about now being commited to our relationship!! Could he be saying all the right things and mean it, or did he study up on it in case he ever got caught!!

[This message edited by hurt789 at 10:57 AM, September 8th (Monday)]


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can not fully understand why I need him to comfort me because he is the one that made me feel this way!

This is not at all unusual. I felt exactly the same way. I also felt that because he was the one who caused me so much pain, he was the one who OWED it to me to comfort me and to acknowledge that pain. I wanted him to see firsthand the suffering his selfishness caused. I never shielded him from my pain and right up to this morning, I continue to express my pain, anger and confusion whenever the need arises. I do not hold back. I believe that they tell themselves and believe while in their fog, that no one will get hurt as long as no one finds out. Well, we do find out and we do get hurt and our pain is unbearable. Let him see your pain and take comfort in his support and acknowledgment of being the cause of your pain. My personal opinion is that a H who cannot or will not be there for you during those times of extreme suffering is not worth holding onto. That is MHO and for me it is a personal demand for my desire to R with him.
As to whether or not he is saying the things he thinks you want to hear only time will tell unfortunately. Trust is a hard earned reward following so many years of betrayal. I told my H last night that I highly doubt that I will ever allow myself to trust him again. It is just not in my personal best interest to do so. This is not the best advice nor I am offering it as such. It is simply how I feel and what I believe to be true for myself.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. My H just called to check on me and said he was coming home. I did not have to ask him to. He said for years he neglected my feelings and he isnt going to do that anymore. He said previously while talking about the A that he could see me being sad, then would leave to go to her so he wouldnt have to think about it. He now is stating, like he just did that he wants to help me heal anyway he can. YES, I agree time will tell. I was being afraid to show my fear and pain, but you are right...He does need to see that and he does need to deal with that if he wants this to work. Thanks again.


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H just called to check on me and said he was coming home

Wonderful - this is a major step toward a successful R, IMHO.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone, I haven't posted in ages--don't know where the summer went. But I've lurked daily and am following all the stories, heartaches, triumphs, and daily struggles of all.

I haven't posted partly cuz there isn't anything real new, and the remaining struggles of ordinary day to day of living with this in our history is just too repetitive to talk about over and over.

Things are really pretty good day to day--I'm just never going to get over the grief of the loss of a faithful husband, and the loss of a marriage approaching retirement that I thought we would have. And I think for me that will loom large forever.

Of course, as many of you know, there's an OC in the mix of our recovery--that has settled down to a sort of routine with calls every two weeks and visits every 3 or 4 months (they're still in Europe now permanently ((I hope)), and we're on the West Coast. But the continued necessary contact hampers the distancing and fading of feelings for me constantly.

Part of it is that from my own IC and our MC, I'm realizing that H is who he is, not a demonstrative person, someone who hates conflict, and someone who was able to have a 5 year LTA with feelings for OW--partly his own narcissistic fantasy come true but partly a friendship gone awry with friendship-relations with her that predated the infidelity and some feelings that will always be inside him I think.

For us, it's more like an ex-wife than some slut--with the exception of that fantasy part which was so fulfilling--that part he sees now, but it's the human parts of him that still have concern for the bitch that eat at me. Some of that he tries to explain by saying her dramatic and neurotic personality is such that if there's too much conflict and business-like treatment from him, it will impact on her ability to continue the contact even if it's better for OC, and he's afraid she'll flip out and do something like not letting him call or us to see him cuz it's too "painful" for her.

And I think she still harbors the fantasy that H will see the light someday--and that kills me. Be so much easier if she'd just find someone else or accept that they really weren't meant to be together, as she told him repeatedly. And the bastard part of H who was able to have an A in the first place, loved hearing it, and couldn't get out of it despite knowing he'd never leave me (whom he says he never stopped loving--but couldn't hurt her....)

All that I can see and tolerate (he is a KISA type, after all)--it's just that it's soooo hard for me to know that I'm not the special, only one, soulmate that I thought I was.

Not that he hasn't been doing all the right things--but he's been changed by this too--humbled, depressed, afraid of losing his kids when we finally get around to telling them, and it's depressing to me knowing that the damned LTA has changed our own R so much.

I still struggle with the jealousy of his feelings that happen when you're with someone new--feelings that were kept alive for so long partly cuz she is the type of person to be able to elicit responses from him for so long--positive feelings that we all know occur in infidelity--constant validation, adoration, need, and lots of emotional expressions. I'm more the reserved type, not to mention that we've been together for over 30 years, and the mature love that comes with long term relationships just isn't the same.

Not that I feel all that limerence stuff now either, but my baseline memory of that is with him, and it haunts me that his most recent memory of feelings like that are not with me.

The continued contact with OW cuz of OC is awful--H says all the right things about his feelings about that, it's just necessary, there's no love anymore, he just considers her the mother of his child, yada yada yada...and I have no choice but to accept that and trust him (!) that he's telling the truth. But I don't really believe it deep down--and despite all he's doing, I don't think I ever will feel special and unique to him again. Probably meyown problem, but partly reality I think. And I've always had a rejection complex!

I'm not as depressed as I sound, just more resigned. And am enjoying our R now, with its ups and downs, cuz we are really working together to make a marriage that is fun and fulfilling and a partnership--it's just so different from what I'd imagined.

Good things happen all the time--another son got married, vacations, talk and connection with H, laughs, weekends, all that--but as had been said many times before, LTA is a different beast, and changes the whole foundation of a marriage when the marriage continues.

Our stories are all so different, but that underlying reality is the same--and I can't stop that feeling of disbelief that it happened and that it's our life and history now--that two year old is still tantruming in me sometimes that it's just not fair!!

Life isn't fair and it's my turn now--and I'm living with it and am okay, just changed.

Thanks for listening.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

25Wimsey - It's good to hear from you. I'm glad things are relatively good for you and I marvel at your strength. Each of us has something unique about our H's LTA that makes it particularly problematic. You are an amazing woman and I can only imagine how difficult it must be at times having to keep contact because of the OC. You are truly an inspiration.
(((25Wimsey)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, fnf--good to hear that there's someone else whose d-day is pretty close to mine is still, "right up to this morning" having and expressing feelings and needs related to the LTA!!

Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Hurt789, FNF has given you some great advice especially about IC and MC. I too am married to someone who was unfaithful our entire marriage. Interestingly, 7 years ago he broke off the last LTA and tried to "come back". However, he was hiding this enormous secret AND he did not go to IC to understand WHY he had done what he had done.

Only after his confession last fall has all the truth come out (I think ) and through an enormous amount of IC he is being to understand why he did what he did. If your husband can say this:

He said for years he neglected my feelings and he isnt going to do that anymore.

then he needs to know WHY. Why did he neglect your needs, what was he looking for in the A that was missing in HIM. Even if he says and does all the right things, he needs to find out what in him was broken and work on fixing that or he is, at some level, a ticking time bomb.

Take care of yourself. Let him take care of you. Let him bear witness to your pain.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi 25Wimsey!! I was posting while you were and missed your post until just now. It is so good to hear the perspective from someone further out. And, although each of our situations is unique, we can learn from you. Having the OC in the mix makes it so hard for you to put distance between you and the LTA and that just has to suck so badly. But you have found a way to deal with it and your strength is incredible.

My inner two year old is constantly wanting to lie on the floor, kick her feet and yell "NO FAIR". But life goes on and we have to find a way to live it - LTA or no LTA.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf, I surely understand. You know I'm going through the same thing with the mutual "friends". I know they knew. They knew me and so did that whole crowd. I'd never been anything but nice to them, their kids, gave some of his buddies a place to "sleep it off" even.

And he's calling there because his brother is dying of cancer. I know that's the reason. He's made the calls in secret, never told me though. At least you're getting that. And really, don't you think any mention of OW at all is going to evoke feelings of disgust or at least extreme apprehension in him? Do you think he'd really sit there and chat, even though that voice inside him is yelling ... "get the fuck out of here or fnf is going to have a stroke."

I can not fully understand why I need him to comfort me because he is the one that made me feel this way!

That was the first issue I brought up in MC... That it wasn't right that the person who did the harm was the one I was turning to to help. WTF? How did this work? I hated him and loved him at the same time. I really, really, hated him. Just seeing his face would make me want to vomit. I couldn't stand his touch and yet I kept crumpling up in his lap to be comforted every night.

Hey wimsey. Nice to hear from you, even if there isn't anything earthshaking going on. Our MC used to say "normal is good".

I still struggle with the jealousy of his feelings that happen when you're with someone new--feelings that were kept alive for so long partly cuz she is the type of person to be able to elicit responses from him for so long--positive feelings that we all know occur in infidelity--constant validation, adoration, need, and lots of emotional expressions. I'm more the reserved type, not to mention that we've been together for over 30 years, and the mature love that comes with long term relationships just isn't the same.

Oh, I just burn with this. Talked about it in IC just this week. How my feelings of inadequacy are affecting our M and me especially. I told her I was resigned to the fact that I couldn't be what he wanted. It depressed me, I hated it, but I have to accept it to move on with my life. Oh and I am Oh, so tempted to just tell him that. That's how my goodbye speech starts... "Look, I know I'm not what you want and I know you can't give me what I need, so why tear ourselves up any more...."

hurt789, I'm glad you found us over here. It's a long, long road. At the very beginning I told my H he should expect that I will be healing for at least as long as he was unfaithful and don't expect anything a minute before that. He said he struggled with leaving me during those years and so I struggle about leaving him too. I think both of us stayed because it was easier than leaving. I just wonder now if maybe it's worth the work.

Hang in, someone is usually here a couple times a day. Our UK friends get on mighty early for those middle of the night wanderings.

(((LH)))


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


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