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User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I have to post this, that condo at the beach reminded me of something I had forgotten about.

When we were deciding to get married, we decided on a cruise. We even booked it. How romantic, I thought. Then we got this house and had to cancel the cruise, because we didn't have money for both, but it was okay, I wanted this house. We did lose $500 though for the downpayment. Okay, I thought, we will do a cruise some other time.

Came to find out, he later told me, what he was really looking forward to on the cruise was for nude beaches. He was thinking he was going to get us to "do it" on the beach in front of others and just see what happened, if anyone else wanted to join in. My blood just ran cold. I think I just blocked it out of my head, like when my XH was telling me he wanted to choke me, and I just blocked it and pretended it never happened, because, ?????

Is this real life? Sometimes I feel like I am living a bad movie or something.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a MC for YEARS during my H's A and all the massage parlor stuff - where I was blammed for EVERYTHING. THEN when it all came out, I WAS STILL BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING!!!



ALSO - he said that my husband DOESN'T TRUST ME.

Last week, our counselor told me that my DH is "intimidated by me" and when he gets "mad at me" instead of confronting me - he will find other ways to hurt me.

My partner implied that he doesn't trust me. He said he keeps his profile up to watch what i'm doing. I"m not sure if that's true or an excuse, but maybe they suspect we are doing the same things they are. This could go back to a core belief I suppose. OR they are trying to take the focus off themselves. (not to say that i don't think there's a big element of bs)

I'm sorry your counselors said that to the both of you. It just burns me up!

I had an issue with a counselor the one and only time we went. I was told he could do what he want cuz he's a man and that's how men were, he was only looking, I should just trust him (even though my partner lied TO HER) , and I needed to be more stimulating. This is after I did just about anything to get him to have sex with me. Oh yes, and she gave me a book. The book itself was ok, but she didn't recommend any literature to him. I was giving a book about living with it, but he didn't get a book about stopping (bc he's man and that's ok).

Sometimes my partner jokes about having a "happy ending massage." I hope he's just joking. I feel like it's a slap in my face b/c I have offered him one more than once. He told me it just wasn't the same. I'm guessing he wants that adrenaline pumping feeling you get when you meet someone new. I think that's a good example of how all this hurts our intimacy.

-edited for clarity

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 8:14 AM, December 9th (Tuesday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This morning I am calmer, but continue to be amazed at the number of bad MC's out there. Of course, we have to remember that many of our SA spouses are very, very good actors.

In fact -- our new MC and our paster appologized to me after I had told them for months things weren't 'right' and they tried to assure me they were....when I produced evidence they were shocked, but big enough to admit they were wrong. Now when I say things aren't 'right' they listen.

LDLH - Mr. OLB asked me early on if there were things I needed to tell him? I'm huh? My life is - and continues to be - an open book....except for the large amount of cash that I have stashed in my friends closet!

(I quit stashing cash a few years ago, but have left it there - along with the physical evidence. It has given me a sence of peace and protection - my box of courage, if you will )

Edited for typo!

[This message edited by OurLifeBack at 7:41 AM, December 9th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I posted this in general and didn't get a response, I think I labeled it wrong (I'm not real good at asking for help!)

But I do need opinions, and you all would know better anyway, dealing with the same kinds of problems:

A bit of the story.... my WS is a SA. Just started realizing this the past few months. But now all the pieces of his life fit together. He doesn't think he has a problem, because he can stop the acting out part. (But he still has the same brain waves, he just doesn't act on them)
The part I am terrified about...I live in the Midwest, he took a job down south for financial reasons. He left in April for a one year lease and trial. Job is working okay, it is paying our bills. I have had to hire a lawyer, because I have a little one whose dad won't let me leave. So we are in court next month, to get permission to move. My lawyer says we have a very good shot, because we are going from poor, to very comfortable, and it is a much better lifestyle for little one.

My dilemma. I don't know if I want to go now. And the date is approaching. I will be moving away from my family and friends, to a place I know no one, but will have the financial means to fly back home once a month.

My big problem, is where he is working, with his addiction, there is ample opportunity for problems, it is so "out in front of your face" down there, and we thought we would like to live on the beach, until I realized it is sometimes topless, and with his addiction.... I think it is like putting a drug addict in a pharmacy type setting.

How do I tell him I can't possibly live on the beach now, when every time I bring this topic up it is a really ugly scene. And I don't know whether I should move or not, maybe just stay in the city as opposed to looking for a water spot. And why should I have to give up my dreams for his sickness.....

I am scared and confused and feeling pressure to make a choice, any opinions?



Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OLB, I know for sure mine is a good actor. He'll charm the pants and sense right off of you. He'll convince you that he's trustworthy right as he's lying to you. A good counselor knows this and doesn't fall for the BS and expects them to lie.

I'm more open with him than he is with me, but it's not like I have anything to hide.

I remember when I went to hooker review sites to see what he was doing. He asked me why I was looking up hookers.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Naive,

My first thought is that you do need to go through with the court stuff so if you decided to go, you can. It is difficult to get court dates and if you cancel then change your mind you will be consisdered 'flighty and unstable.'

I can't recall ifyou havea good MC or not, but I would try to get some advice from a professional....

You need to determine YOUR needs -- if living at the beach in no longer an option for YOU, then state it calmly. Don't let his ranting deter you form YOUR needs. You must be willing to let him go - by himself. That is the risk.

I am sure there are other needs that you have you need to get on the list - he needs to go to SA (Yeah, I know, Mr. OLB is not there yet, either! Always so much easier to tell someone else what to do that do it ourselves)or what ever your requirements are that will make YOU feel safe and that he is as committed as you are to makeing this work.

In a way, starting over fresh is fun, but you, and he, must know the problems travel with you. It is nice to have a new venue!

I'm sure others will be along with other thoughts soon.

(((Naive)))


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA, boy can I relate to that!!! My situation is definitely not the same, but some of it reminds me of my situation.

I'm hoping by the time he and I want to move (this summer) that he gets better. It would also be better in most ways for the child we want to have. I know that's mostly fantasy, but I still want to hope.

The truth is my quality of life will improve greatly if I move, but I think his actiing out will greatly improve. I mean, he already seems to know every strip club in town.

What will you do if you do move on the beach and his acting out continues? In my situation my biggest concern is having an exit strategy, I'm not sure about your situation though.

How will you handle it if he acts out again? I'm sure mine will act out again, if think the question is when not if. Mine is also in denial.

Sorry if I t/j

(((((NA)))))
Sorry I had more sympathy than advice.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They want to be told how great they are even when they are screwing up.

It would seem many of our SAs are very needy when it comes to emotional support.

This reminds me of something my H said to me shortly after D-Day. He began to feel I did not love him anymore a few months after his heart attack in early 2005. I found him one morning sitting on the couch sobbing. He told me this as he was crying.

I remember that day. I sat down in another chair and tried to reassure him that I never stopped loving him. BUT I could not sit down beside him and hold him in my arms while I tried to assure him of my love.

Looking back I tried for some time to figure out why I could not touch him. I know now why. Somewhere along the line, I subconsciously decided that I just couldn't touch him any more. The numerous failed attempts at sex was the impetus for this, I think.

He could not perform with me, even with Viagra. Our former counselor hit the nail on the head when he told us in an MC session that each time H failed in his attempt to make love, it tore a little bit more from my sense of worth, my ability to arouse my H. It made me feel just a little bit more unlovable and undesirable. My subconscious self was going more and more into protective mode.

I was getting positive hits from my new adventure; getting my Master's degree. Every day I was pulling away from my H to as I said, protect my self-esteem.

FWH continued to let me know that he felt alone and unloved by me. He blamed me for us not having sex. He conveniently forgot all the time he rejected my advances. Yet the guilt kept eating away at me.

For Christmas that year, I gave him a couple of handmade gift certificates that said they were good for sex sessions whenever he wanted. I was not allowed to refuse. When I gave them to him, he had this real disgusted look on his face and asked in a sarcastic tone, "What the hell are these?" His response didn't hit me especially hard at the time, but recalling this event later made me cry.

He used one of those certificates near the end of 2005. I was willing, ready and able. TMI here, but the sex that day consisted of him going into that trance he always had during sex and keeping the sex to him trying to please me with manual manipulations. He was not responding physically so I got up and put on a bit of the perfume he had bought me for Christmas as he said he loved the scent. The sex ended when he gently told me that the perfume was making him sick and initiated an asthma attack.

Minutes after we shut it down he told me he thought I put on the perfume to discourage him; my manipulation to end the sex. He had decided that I hated having sex with him and I did this to end it. I was stunned and told him that I was actually quite aroused during the sex. He said he accepted my explanation.

But he never let it go. I found out later he told one of these ONSs and his affair partner about this. Of course for the OW this was further proof that I did not love him and that he needed to leave me.

Interestingly, later when I pieced the information together, I realized that he had spent about 10 minutes picking out my gift. He had done this when out of town to meet up with ONS # 2. They had sex in a hotel room that allowed smoking because she smoked. Interesting he could not perform with me and my perfume because of his asthma, but he could manage to perform quite well in a hotel room filled with smoke. He is quite allergic to cigarette smoke.

Anyway, that was a long bunny trail. What I wanted to say in response to the above quote, was how this became clear to me regarding my FWH's neediness.

At some point close to D-Day, I started to realize I missed him when he would leave town to go to a small town to work on a hobby with a bunch of like-minded guys. He really did go there. I just didn't know he would divert to OW's city on his way there to spend a day and night with her.

I told him I missed him when he was gone and I started to become more affectionate. He lapped it up. I would kiss him passionately and started to enjoy the closeness. No sex yet, but he knew I was having trouble with the idea of it due to our son's recent revelation that he had been molested by a family member years ago. I was reeling from that knowledge. I had asked H to be patient with me as I worked it out. I had even warned him when he was crying about feeling I didn't love him, to guard himself against the very real possibility he could find himself in an extramarital affair. He was so vulnerable and needy that this was a real concern for me. He PROMISED he would be very careful not to allow himself to make poor choices in that respect. HA!!

Anyway, in discussing the A after D-Day, I asked him when and why his A with OW began to fizzle. He responded by saying, "You started to be nice to me." Huh? To him nice=constant attention and affection. It was as if he were a little boy. Now I understand how this all ties into his FOO issues, his sex addiction and his skewed thinking at that time.

In fact, the day he left for that one final trip out of town, I kissed him passionately and told him that when he got back, I was going to make the effort to make love to him. He held me tight and told me how much he loved me. He left and went to her again. I phoned him while he was driving there and told him I missed him. He asked me if I wanted him to come back. Not knowing what was going on, I told him no, that he really should go and enjoy himself with his hobby buddies. I had work to do on my grad course and I would feel bad that I could not give him full attention.

So he continued on to stay with OW. It was during this trip that I discovered evidence of his A. I had to be on shift with my students the next day very early in the a.m. I did not sleep one wink that night. How I managed to go to work that morning is beyond me; just one foot in front of the other. I told my students that my sadness was related to my father's recent death three weeks prior.

BTW, H did not come with me to bury my dad, using some weak excuses. He had not intended to be with her during my trip, but she phoned him the day I left and asked why he had not come right over to her place after seeing me off at the airport. He told her he just couldn't; he was so sad over losing his FIL and feeling bad he did not accompany me.

So she proceeded to give him some story about how much she needed him because she was afraid a relative who was in town who was harassing her would show up at her door. So my H, Captain Save-a-Ho (name compliments of another SI poster), got on his white horse and rode in to be her white knight.

This incident still sticks in my craw at times; my H f*&king his whore, while I was 2,000 miles away sobbing while I buried my dear old dad.

Anyway, fast forward three weeks later to me phoning my H on the road to his whore, telling him how much I loved and missed him. That night he told OW about all of this. She asked him if I had asked him to turn back and come home, would he have gone? In a heartbeat, he said. She then went into the same old monologue trying to convince I didn't really love him; I didn't treat him right and was mean. He spent the night saying he needed to leave her apt. right now and go to a hotel room. After an hour or two of this, she just took his hand and led him into the bedroom and started to seduce him. Obviously he had prepared for this by double dosing once again on his Cialis and Viagra, so I only feel so much sadness for him. The sex was awful as he just couldn't perform, drugs and all. After she told him it had been different and she was glad when it ended.

It was only two or three days later that I confronted him on the phone with what I knew. I asked him that he owed her a phone call ending it. Hey, I didn't know any better. I demanded he make that call in front of me. Of course he couldn't do that. He went ahead and called her that night. She begged and pleaded with him to leave me; that she was the better choice. She treated him like a prince, which she did, and would meet his emotional needs better than I ever could. And she did; she only saw the White Knight side of him and denied he had any shortcomings. He just let her talk until his cell phone died. That call lasted over 90 minutes if you can imagine. He said once the phone died, he shut it down, put it on the bedside table in the motel, and went to sleep. He slept like a baby with this nightmare of his making, finally over. His nightmare was over but mine was just beginning.

Anyway, sorry for the lengthy post. I just couldn't stop typing as I recalled so much. It was my catharsis guys. Sorry you have to bear with it all. But thanks for listening. You are all simply the best!!! Hugs!!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard to keep track of who has asked what but I'll offer up my two cents:
Re. the husband who is "intimidated": My husband said the same thing to which I took great offence initially. Now I can see that he really did have me on a pedestal (I always kinda knew it, but -- for me -- that precluded screwing other people....) and that it was "easier" to have sex with strangers whose opinions didn't matter to him than to worry that he was disappointing me or that I'd think he was weird if he suggested certain things. I wouldn't...but in his mind, he would be making himself very vulnerable, which terrified him.
I guess my point is that, while it doesn't excuse what he did, it does offer me some insight into why. His inability to feel "safe" with me was part of the problem. His problem, not mine but it gave me the chance to let him know and show him, that I loved him, not just some perfect replica of him.

Re. moving to the beach: Yes, I can see where that would heighten your anxiety. But one of the biggest fears for me was that my husband's acting out got worse when we moved to a smaller town -- AWAY from the bathhouses, etc. that he had been to. He was less happy, more stressed and simply found other outlets. So although our need to feel safe with our spouses is paramount, it's hard to acknowledge that an SA wanting to act out will find opportunity pretty much anywhere. I can see, however, where you might more easily be triggered...but that might get better with time and your husband's recovery.

And yes, I have my own bad MC story. I used to leave and just sob because he made me feel so awful and hopeless. Firing him felt quite good!


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During one tirad, when Mr. OLB was defending himself and trying to make me look bad, he told our MC I was a 'quitter.' I'm like "just what did I quit?" Him "Old MC."

Me "Excuse, me sir, but I far from quit. I FIRED him. Big difference."

Some very good points about how the SA will act out no matter what if they want. WE CANNOT CONTROL THEM. But, we must feel safe and certain that they are working on NOT acting out.


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For Christmas that year, I gave him a couple of handmade gift certificates that said they were good for sex sessions whenever he wanted. I was not allowed to refuse.
When I gave them to him, he had this real disgusted look on his face and asked in a sarcastic tone, "What the hell are these?" His response didn't hit me especially hard at the time, but recalling this event later made me cry.


Wow, brings back memories. I once bought a kama sutra book for us, and he said he didnt care.

Mine also wonders if I really enjoy sex with him. This was an issue even before I suspected he was an SA. It's like if I wasn't moaning like in a porno then I wasn't having fun.

And I'm sure part of the appeal of hookers and a lot of porn is that they'll pretend they are oh so aroused.


Also, he'll be concerned about whether or not I get mine, but he won't do what I ask for.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 11:02 AM, December 9th (Tuesday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During one tirad, when Mr. OLB was defending himself and trying to make me look bad, he told our MC I was a 'quitter.' I'm like "just what did I quit?" Him "Old MC."
Me "Excuse, me sir, but I far from quit. I FIRED him. Big difference."

Some very good points about how the SA will act out no matter what if they want. WE CANNOT CONTROL THEM. But, we must feel safe and certain that they are working on NOT acting out.

That's the reason it's so complicated going to a new counselor in my situation.

I do think if there's a will there's a way, but I definitely think some places are much more tempting than others *cough cough las vegas cough cough*


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes - they need to stay away from temptation just like we all do where we are weak.

I remember when I quit smoking many years ago, I had to quit drinking and had to find healty things to do with my hands when I talked on the phone.

Now I talk on the phone and drink!

[This message edited by OurLifeBack at 11:55 AM, December 9th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OLB--you are right about the court stuff. I'm afraid I will look bad either way, if I cancel now, or if I get the go-ahead and then don't go. I have until the end of school to decide to go or stay, but I hate having to go thru the court stuff. And ldlh, if I go and can't take it anymore, I will probably move back here with my parents until I get on my feet again, so I do have a bit of an exit strategy, but not one I like. I am thinking about going back to school (I like social work), but it will take years before I get a job thru them, and I don't know if I can hold out that long.

I've decided to try to have a good holiday, then confront him in a major way after the holidays. I talked it over with my counselor this morning, and we both think writing him a letter might be best, because talking to him, he goes into instant defense mode and doesn't even hear me.

and 1f1b, yeah, the sex sucks. Mine has told me also he can't get close because I was wearing perfume and he is an asthmatic. (one of his millions of excuses). It does take a toll for a while, until you realize it is them, not you. And it makes me wonder as well, I know his asthma is real, but I am starting to wonder if it is mind induced--because, guess what, he smokes. A pack a day. And that doesn't bother him. But if I wear perfume, or bath and body lotion, or anything I truly love, he tells me he can't breathe. Maybe he is allergic to me.
I am so sorry he let you down when you needed him with your dad's passing. Please feel free to post--you do need to get this stuff out sometimes, and I think everyone on this thread is totally sympathetic--we all have our horror stories!
I think their addiction has them so completely self-involved, because mine sat here on his royal rump when my daughter was burning up with 104 degree temp and I ran her to the hospital. He picked a stupid stupid fight (told me I waited too long to take her--she had just woke up 2 hours earlier with it), and wouldn't go with me. This was on Christmas Eve.

I have to go, didn't get to read the last few posts--will try to this evening.

Hang in there all!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think their addiction has them so completely self-involved, because mine sat here on his royal rump when my daughter was burning up with 104 degree temp and I ran her to the hospital.

Oh I have a memory about that too. One of my birthdays years ago, I was so sick with a flu and fever. I get very crazy when I have a fever; even when I was a kid. My parents laughingly recalled when I was just a wee girl of 7 or so. I had a high fever. I had gone to bed, but the delusions/dreams woke me up. I ran into the livingroom where my parents were watching TV. I started mumbling and marching around the coffee table wringing my hands. I kept saying, "I am Princess Grace of Monaco." I recall hearing my dad laughing and my mother admonishing him, "Joe!! Joe!! Stop it. She's sick. She's really, really sick!!" :-)

Back to more recent times, on that birthday I tried to tell my H how sick I was. The thermometer read very high. He just poohed-poohed me as he sat in his office. I'm sure he was watching porn on his computer.

My daughter came home for work with presents for me. She worked in a shoe department in a large chain store and had bought two pairs of shoes for her poor old mom who had not been working for years and had no clothes to speak of. After I opened the gifts and started crying with gratefulness, she put her hand on my forehead. She was aghast at the heat she felt.

She went upstairs and reamed on her dad for not doing anything. No real response from him other than dismissal of sorts. She took me to the ER where they found my temperature was unreasonably high and treated me with medications.

That night, in a feverish state, I went outside to cool off. I felt 'dreamy' and so very hot so I went around the side of the house and laid down on the grass. It was SO cool. My son found me there and told his dad. My H accused me of being high on drugs and berated me for letting our son find me like that.

Today we laugh about it. A few weeks later, my son mowed the grass. He told his dad that he had mowed a special patch just for me on the side of the house. I chuckled at that for the longest time and still do at times. However, I also remember the pain of my H being so very selfish those days and not caring.

But I have to also defend him on this a bit. I was taking way too many narcotic prescription drugs at that time. It was my co-addiction of choice at the time. And I was always so sick; also probably my body's way of reacting to the loneliness and pain of years of marriage with no real intimacy.

Yes, it is good to type out these things. I really do not hold these against my FWH a whole lot. But enough that I still have to verbalize/write them out. This is such a safe place to do that, in addition to reiterating them to close friends and family.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I think that is a part of it, the inferiority complex during sex. And that is why hookers and internet porn is so attractive. They don't have to give anything, or even try--instant gratification. Because mine also feels he can't satisfy me, if I don't O every time, he thinks it is a failure, yet I can't get him to take me seriously when I tell him--it doesn't work like in porn, most women aren't built that way, it is just an act. We need to approach this just a little differently. But he thinks if he makes those porn moves, I should instantly be screaming. And there were a few times it was really great but I didn't, and instead of hearing me say "that just lifted my entire soul--it was amazing", all he did was pout over his "failure--but you didn't (you know)". He just really doesn't get it, at all, and furthermore, I don't think he wants to. Because it isn't hard to get, all he has to do is listen to me, but no matter what I say, he focuses on the negative.

I'm sorry if this is tmi, but I would really like to have some normal sex again, maybe just once before I die. I miss it. I think we need a pool boy. (ha ha ha)


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LDLH said:

Mine also wonders if I really enjoy sex with him. This was an issue even before I suspected he was an SA. It's like if I wasn't moaning like in a porno then I wasn't having fun.

My SA never verbalized that he did not think I was having fun or enjoying it. He just felt I was avoiding sex because I didn't love him any longer. His love/relationship addiction probably runs deeper than his SA, if you can separate the two.

I did moan and groan like a porno star. Looking back, I watched many of his DVDs and some internet porn at one point. I think it was my way of trying to figure out what he would like. I actually became quite good at the act. He verbalized this on numerous occasions.

However in deciphering all of this at this point, I realize what I was doing. Despite my over the top overtures to him during sex, it was not enough. He simply could not perform. I felt totally incapable.

In recalling the perfume incident, I remember coming away from that totally discouraged. I didn't realize it at the time, but I made a subconscious decision at that moment. I decided I was never going to have sex with him again. I felt absolutely humiliated by it. I felt like a total whore. His words that he thought I had put the perfume on, on purpose, furthered my resolve.

He told OW how bad it made him feel. She verbalized how awful I was for doing that. Little did they both know how humiliating that was for me.

I tried to throw that very expensive perfume out after D-Day. He fished it out of the garbage. I gave it to my cleaning lady. All I cared was that it was gone.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NaiveAgain,

Adding to the TMI, I know for a fact that the last time we both had an O during sex was in December 1993. We went on a trip after the death of our son in that same year due to the fact H had won tickets for a free flight when he went to his dad's funeral in late 1992 that had to be used by year's end.

However, remembering that encounter, I recall 'whoring' up with stockings, garter belt and the whole nine yards. I tried to seduce him other times during that trip to no avail. He could not perform.

That should have been a clue, but I was too clueless to understand.

FWH is doing quite well. He went to his meeting tonight despite expecting the other guy not to show up due to very bad road conditions.

We both look forward to intimacy in the some time future. Neither of us is pushing it. I, too, would love to experience real love making with my FWH before I die, but I am not putting pressure on myself or him. Neither is he. Que sera, sera!

Interestingly, our kids stayed at the home of my son's to-be inlaws during that trip. The kids made us promise never to leave them there ever again. These parents are very ordered and they felt confined to say the least.

My son met up again with the girls of that family about 8 months ago. He started dating the older daughter even though she is a few years older than him. She was more his older sister's friend. He was just a little squirt when the kids stayed at the parent's home. He just asked her to marry him last Friday. They will be married this summer. We love those girls and the whole family. How neat is it that we were brought together with them again after all these years.

Considering all the trials and tribulations my son has been through since his brother died, including overcoming a narcotic addiction 9 months ago, it is simply amazing to see how far he has come. He never believed he would ever find happiness with a woman. He has and he is so content with his choice. He knows about his dad's ONSs and A, due to my stupidity. He says he is using it for good, in that he fully understands that poor choices that seem so innocent at the time, can lead to this. He is working hard to remain always cognizant of that.

I am over the moon for him. This in addition to meeting my grandson for the first time when my daughter, SIL and the baby arrive home for Christmas from Europe where they live in just 4 days, is going to make this be the best Christmas EVER!!!!

[This message edited by 1Forward1Back at 9:55 PM, December 9th (Tuesday)]


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, December 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1F1B, you have to be SO Proud of your son! What an incredible young man he is! And I am so happy you are getting to see your grandchild--I am dying for a grandchild, but my oldest is 20 and just joined the Air Force ROTC, so I am guessing it may be a while!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, December 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anger - when will it go away?

We had the nicest evening last night - dinner and laughter with friends, a walk home in the snow...then he went to the bathroom and stayed and stayed and stayed. We were suppose to be playing with our new tv and universal control....

I just got angry - and went to bed.

I think it threw me back to the old times when he would escape to the bathroom and do who knows what in there -- text her, mb????? Generally ignoring me and the rest of the family.

I know it is my insecurity that made me angry. I hate the angry feeling and just want it to go away!!! Perhaps a healthier me would have knocked on the door!!! Plan for next time....

1F1B - I read your story. Hugs to you. I just ordered "sexual anorexia" it is suppose to be about 75% about healthy sexuality. I will report to all if it seems to fit.

LDLH - your gulibility about the hooker web sites made me laugh...I bought similar stuff hook, line and sinker and I consider myself to NOT be stupid. Yeah right! I think their acting ability makes it hard for us to believe them now. You know?


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
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