Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Minty (43205)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, November 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone...
There has been so much going on here in this forum- I haven't been able to check as frequently this week-

Welcome to all of the newcomers here... This is a great bunch of people and I learn from all of you every day...

I have a bit of a question for all of you to see if you've ever been given this advice from an IC before...
And what you feel about it.

My H's IC wants me to not check his email or phone any more. (He is a CSAT)

I am not a "regular checker", but since both DDays occurred by me finding emails or computer related info, when I feel a funny feeling in my gut, I check.

My H knows I check, and has never had a problem with it, until now. He says he has changed his mind after meeting with his IC and that they feel like I am "breeding mistrust" by doing this and harming the relationship.

Before this discussion, he felt like the more I checked and didn't find anything, the better I would be b/c he could start to EARN my trust back. (Which I actually agree with and think is the case for me, in particular) And he never had a problem with it.

Any thoughts? I am really frustrated and feel angry that I am getting rules to follow to "protect" my H...

I don't think I will EVER blindly trust again. I'm not even sure that I want to anymore. Not that I want to live my life checking up on him, God knows that's not what I want, but if I am suspicious, I am going to follow my suspicion and look. If nothing shows up, great, but I know that my H will never tell me if he ever cheated again and the ONLY way I would ever find out is by finding out on my own.

I feel like it's telling me to ignore my gut and ignore my survival instinct.

I also feel like there is no "breeding" mistrust... There is mistrust! I don't trust him yet! How can I possibly trust him yet? He's just started his recovery program... I'm still healing from this mess...

Any suggestions or thoughts on the matter are greatly appreciated.

I have been so happy with this IC, and this feels like a set back for me personally. ( And an attack, almost- Could any normal person trust their spouse again at this point? I just don't see how it's possible... or logical to expect blind trust, especially now- It's been 6 months)

Thanks in advance...
IS

[This message edited by innerstrength at 10:01 PM, November 12th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, November 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My counselor wasn't a CSAT, but I *suspect* that she told my partner not to let me check his stuff anymore b/c when we got home he all of a sudden didn't want me on his PC. She did tell me that I should just trust him. He lies and sometimes won't answer my questions period so why should I trust him???

Whatever!


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
newday2day
♀ Member
Member # 21318
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, November 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH isn't in counseling, doesn't believe in it, and he doesn't believe he has a problem. So I don't have experience with this.

However, I know my WH HATES that I check up on him whether it be daily or occasionally he HATES it. That's because, IMO, he's just waiting for me to loosen the reins and to go back at him.

I would also be extremely hurt by this request. I cannot trust my WH and even when I'm home and he's on the PC and I have a key logger it still triggers for me. I hate it when he's on the PC and I get sick to my stomach.

I have to keep the internet at home for school since I'm working on my MBA but if I didn't need it for school I would be shutting it off. Besides I pay for it! And WH doesn't have daily access anywhere else... unless of course he went to a friends house.

My mind wonders! I hate all that I'm being put through. I'm sorry that you H's IC requested this.


BS 31
WS 36
Married 9/1/07
D Day #1 1/21/08 - personals ad response
D Day #2 5/15/08 - created 2 personals ads
D Day #3, 4, & 5 10/08 - personals ad response, phone sex, calling escort services
Newest D-Day 1/1/2010 - Will it ever end? This tim

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, November 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

innerstrength.

Did this IC tell you this in person?

I personally wouldn't listen. You need to do what's best for you.

I checked up on WH about 4 months ago after stopping for 2 1/2 yrs and found out he was deleting his history. No big deal at the time. Just this past Monday I went into the office right after he left for his SAA mtg and the computer was deleting the history. I stopped it and found all sorts of stuff and it was on different sites.

He had been to his CSAT that afternoon. During the time in between CSAT and SAA mtg he's on these sites. WTF!!!!!!

Are we as spouses of these SA's supposed to just sit back and live with this while they are recovering? Wh's CSAT did ask me in person to give this a chance. WH just started with this CSAT. WH has been seeing another IC and managing his addiction without the help of a CSAT, and managing it terribly.

I'm having a real bad week because of this discovery.
I had a gut feeling and I acted on it and found this crap on his computer.

Always trust your gut.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, November 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Innerstrength, I think your IC is wrong on this. I still have access to everything. Even though H is attending SAA, he still slips on occasion, but very few times compared to earlier in his recovery. He still erases his history with his scrub program (he's a bit obsessed with his laptop breaking down due to viruses etc. like the last one did), but I find out by the kind of spam he starts to get following a visit to the scuzzy web sites.

I continue to gently encourage him to be honest with me. He has felt shame over this his entire life, so it's very difficult for him to be honest with anyone. I have also told him if I find any saved porn, it gets broken and left on his side of the bed so he can see. That includes USB sticks which as you know are not cheap. This cleaning off any disks at all so he can use it for valid data is no longer. He's kind of cheap so destroyed equipment will hit him harder.

Anyway at this point, I really don't do much snooping. I do it on occasion but not obsessively, like I did for the first year or two. It took a long time to get to this point, however.

By the join date on your post, it looks like you are fairly new to this. You need to verify. And that means frequent checks.

Your ICs are wrong on this. That can happen. These people are not the experts on everything.

[This message edited by 1Forward1Back at 10:10 AM, November 13th (Thursday)]


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, November 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

,
I think your IC is wrong on this.

IA.

Today I went to Barnes and Nobles. I was in the magazine section, but someone left one of those kama sutra books. It looked good, but then I realized I'd just be wasting my money. He likes all this wild violent porn but he doesnt want to try anything adventurous with me.

OH asked me what his porn habit had to do with his love for me. I didn't answer.

Is anyone here in Las Vegas??? I was wondering if SAs had an special issues there.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Bamboozled1
♀ Member
Member # 5764
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, November 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I disagree with the others. I think the IC is right, and believe me, I never thought that I would think that. In the beginning, I did lots of snooping--even installed a keylogger. I learned waaay more than I wanted to know. The only person who was hurt by my snooping was me. Every time I would go in to check his emails, or check the log, I would practically get physically ill.

I'm firmly of the opinion, that if you need to know that something is going on, that you will be shown. By monitoring his every move online, I think you're just reinforcing the msg that he's not reliable, and he's going to feel like a child being checked up on by his mother.

This is not to say that you can't set boundaries. For ex, if you find any evidence of his acting out, then _________(fill in the blank with something you will carry thru with). This way you've stated your position, but don't have to be his jailor. This way too, he has to take responsibility for his own actions, just as you have to. Each of you gets to concentrate on keeping your own side of the street clean.

Believe me, it's a huge relief when you realize that you don't have to be the hall monitor in charge of your spouse.


Posts: 1851 | Registered: Nov 2004
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, November 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually agree with bamboozled too, because I start getting physically ill just by thinking about checking up again. It probably depends--my H right now says he is not doing anything--I have snooped a couple months and haven't found anything new, and now it is time to work on a future instead of keep bringing up the past--although I know I am not over it yet. If it is still fresh and new and you have found stuff recently, I would probably have to keep looking at least for a while because I couldn't stand it otherwise.

And also, I agree, my terms now are (and I know I can stick with this because I have had my fill of pain and am not a masochist)--any more phone calls or emails to escort services and I am out of here--too much ick for me o deal with. If it would happen to be a porn mag or movie--then it is into counseling since he promised no more naked women anywhere and he told me he could live the rest of his life without that stuff. So now I have him. If he breaks it--I get him into the counseling I know he needs (unless he breaks it in a big way)--then I get to look for someone with a healthy sexual attitude.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14912 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
PoorTwistedMe
♀ Member
Member # 20956
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, November 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

InnerStrenth,
Snoop if you need to snoop. Dont snoop if you dont feel you need to. Its that simple... go with your "gut" and nothing else- if your gut is telling you something (paranoia aside) then use your best judgement and counselor be damned. Just my 2 cents. Remember, the IC isnt married to your WH, nor are they living with, coping with, or affected by your WH's behaviors... thats all you and you must do what is right for you & your sanity... period.


Twisted

DDay- 14 Aug 08, 16 Sept 08, 22 Sept 08, 7 Oct 08, 27 & 28 April 09
Trickle Truth is Brutality


Posts: 150 | Registered: Sep 2008
newday2day
♀ Member
Member # 21318
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, November 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so here's a new one. Last night was my COSA meeting it always runs about 2 hours and I was very upset about the night before so I didn't go home before hand. I knew my WH would get in to something, especially since he had been home "sick" all day. I have the key logger so I was confident he couldn't hide it from me.

Well when I got home last night I checked out the log and noticed that he had been chatting with an old online "friend" who seems to really be a friend. They had a very innocent conversation about her work his work, etc. Nothing special and definitely nothing that would upset me. I knew about their friendship from WAY before me. However, I noticed that he had gone in an deleted his messenger archive to remove the conversation.

Later last night I asked him if he did anything special while I was out, talked to any one and used an example of a friend of ours, etc. He said no.

Why especially since it was so innocent would he lie to me and hide this? If he had left the archive and I had found it, it wouldn't have bothered me. It truly was innocent and it only lasted about 10 minutes.

So today I'm wondering why all the lies? Why not be honest about it. I tell him when someone from my past or I chat with an old friend. I never delete my archives. I don't understand. Ideas?

Maybe he had the intention of going further with the conversation and that's why he deleted it... guilt??

[This message edited by newday2day at 7:12 AM, November 14th (Friday)]


BS 31
WS 36
Married 9/1/07
D Day #1 1/21/08 - personals ad response
D Day #2 5/15/08 - created 2 personals ads
D Day #3, 4, & 5 10/08 - personals ad response, phone sex, calling escort services
Newest D-Day 1/1/2010 - Will it ever end? This tim

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
Newtwood
♀ Member
Member # 21154
Suspicious  Posted: 7:51 AM, November 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know newday; it would bother me-my WH's "friend" that he used to talk to about work and life problems ended up in bed with him at the Motel 6 for 2 yrs-but hey that's just me.

Why would he delete? Does he know about the keylogger? Is there anything more about this "friend" you should know about? Was it JUST a "friendship"? I HATE to put these ideas into peoples heads if it is totally innocent! Maybe he's just programmed himself to delete everything-removing any doubts you may have-even if they're innocent?

Not to go off your topic but I was thinking back to the snooping. When is it too much?

For me, I mean, I spend hours online. Checking emails, checking search engines, looking here and there-making myself sick. If I'm not doing that I'm here on SI gathering up more ideas and checking doubts. I'm not getting anything else done around the house-and it's a wreck, since we just got our things shipped here and there's not enough space for everything.

When is enough ENOUGH? I'm not finding anything new and I don't think he's hiding anything more. OW has moved on to her next victims at AFF so there's no connection there. No emails or texts since the D Day 1's. I'm obssessed now and I'm stuck and I can't go forward and I don't want to be stuck here. I felt so much better when I was moving forward. Do I need the 2 X 4 yet?


Faithful Wife of 24+ yrs: Me
WS: Him
OW(s): AFF Skanks/GRANDMOTHERS!!!

Status: Struggling Everday to
Survive

what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another-Anatole France


Posts: 2181 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: North Carolina
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, November 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My sympathies to all who are here. Here is my personal experience with checking emails, etc.

After about two months of marriage, I found an archived email to a woman who had posted about her breast implants. She had posted her picture on a website and my husband wrote her an email.

I was absolutely sickened by his email. Mortified. He gave out his real name, my real name and it was just sick.

I made him go to a counselor with me so I could understand. She said he was probably a sex addict and that his email was very manipulative.

I freaked out. He supposedly continued to go to counseling and I installed keylogger and checked up on him for several months.

Then the computer crashed and the keylogger program was lost. He had been "good" so I thought I didn't have to check up on him.

After all, he promised me on the bible that he would never, ever do anything like this again.

Wrong. He continued for the next four years until he got himself into a lot of trouble with a nasty prostitute and she called me. She was blackmailing him for a lot of money.

I thought I was going to die from this. I didn't die. But I did have to get out of the marriage.

He did this to his first wife, too, as it turns out. For many, many years.

He cannot stop. He won't get help. He's still doing it, only now he has to settle for free whores rather than prostitutes because he cannot afford his habit of strip clubs, etc.

My deepest sympathies to everyone here. I know the pain, the shock, you name it.

I'm free now but I'll never get over this and I doubt I'll ever have sex again. I'm not kidding. This experience just killed it for me.


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
newday2day
♀ Member
Member # 21318
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, November 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Newtwood,

For me, I mean, I spend hours online. Checking emails, checking search engines, looking here and there-making myself sick. If I'm not doing that I'm here on SI gathering up more ideas and checking doubts. I'm not getting anything else done around the house-and it's a wreck

I hear ya there! I'm not getting anything done at work or home or for school. I was thinking last night that I'm as obsessed with finding more information as he with porn and sex. I am thinking I'm starting to have a problem too... just to the opposite extreme.

I talked about this last night in my COSA meeting and asked "how do I let go of my questions, fears, and the pain?" I keep hearing that I should pray and give it to God but I cannot give it to Him. Not even for a second.

I was told that I have to detach. I spent over an hour in bed this morning telling my self "STOP" to stop thinking about his acts and it didn't work. I've of course spent over an hour online this morning "researching" more and reading on SI.

So I don't know how when enough is enough. Maybe when I get so tired from all my searching that I cannot go on any more. I'm sure I will get there eventually... I'm just not sure how long that will be.

somer222,

Big hugs to you. You are an inspiration to me as I know (overall) that my M is over and I have to kick my WH out but I don't yet have the strength. Thanks for sharing your story.


BS 31
WS 36
Married 9/1/07
D Day #1 1/21/08 - personals ad response
D Day #2 5/15/08 - created 2 personals ads
D Day #3, 4, & 5 10/08 - personals ad response, phone sex, calling escort services
Newest D-Day 1/1/2010 - Will it ever end? This tim

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, November 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, I am not actively looking for things, but if something comes up that makes me wonder (and I have become so paranoid), I will check into it. I haven't found anything for quite a while, and he promised to stop, but I did have a dark moment last weekend when I checked his phone records--we are temporarily separated because of his job, so I check his cell phone record from time to time, and the only person he had talked to on Saturday besides me was his cable company; so of course I am thinking he is order porn on his cable. But I do have access to how much he pays, and most months it is the same amount, so I am guessing right now I am just being paranoid. What an awful feeling. I am so tired of feeling this way.

somer222--I know how you feel about the sex. That is something else that has been bothering me--I used to have a very healthy sex drive---took very good care of myself---but now--I have gained 15 pounds, don't care, and absolutely can't stand the thought of sex with anyone. I wonder if that will change--but the ugly crap that he has exposed me to just makes it all seem so dirty and nasty anymore.

newday2day --that would bother me too with all the past history--my antenna are way up on that kind of stuff. Is he trying to be transparent, or is he still stuffing things under the rug like my H? Does he realize he has a problem?

You said you have to keep the computer and you pay for it. Can you put a password on there so he can't use it without you around? My H did at least give me his computer so I know he isn't going on any sites right now. I just worry with his addiction he will find another way to act it out.

And yes, this stuff is taking up way too much of my life and I feel bad about it, but I am also thinking I need to do this to get past this and heal. I am confronting it head on right now instead of sweeping it under the rug and going about life like nothing happened. And I suspect that at some point I will get so sick of this being my entire life that I will move on, with or without him.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14912 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
newday2day
♀ Member
Member # 21318
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, November 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

newday2day --that would bother me too with all the past history--my antenna are way up on that kind of stuff. Is he trying to be transparent, or is he still stuffing things under the rug like my H? Does he realize he has a problem?

You said you have to keep the computer and you pay for it. Can you put a password on there so he can't use it without you around? My H did at least give me his computer so I know he isn't going on any sites right now. I just worry with his addiction he will find another way to act it out.

He's always sweeping things under the rug. He demands he does not have a problem and that I'm crazy for going to COSA. He doesn't believe in outside help or reading books so it's a struggle. I tried to explain to him that what we had been doing isn't working to fix our marriage so why not try someone else's suggestions. That's a BIG NO!

I have to have the PC for my school since I'm working on my MBA at the University of Phoenix online. It's my laptop his desktop crashed about 6 weeks ago... I'm sure due to porn but either way he only uses my laptop now.

I have thought about taking the laptop to work with me each day but I know that would enrage him so I've been walking on egg shells.

He really has been good online, overall, but I still don't trust him. Only 4 weeks out it's still very raw and the last time these things happend I just swept it under the rug and I believe that's why it has come back so badly this time.

But if he's truly and addict I guess it will come back no matter what. I'm just lost right now and do a lot of praying. I'm trying to become more positive but it's hard these days. I will get through this one way or another it's just a matter of how long it will take for my heart to heal.

I swear if I get D I will never M again. This will be my 2nd failed marriage in less then 6 years and I'm only going to be 30. Shoot at this rate by the time I'm 60 I will have been married something like 15 more times. Sick I know!


BS 31
WS 36
Married 9/1/07
D Day #1 1/21/08 - personals ad response
D Day #2 5/15/08 - created 2 personals ads
D Day #3, 4, & 5 10/08 - personals ad response, phone sex, calling escort services
Newest D-Day 1/1/2010 - Will it ever end? This tim

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, November 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, I am not actively looking for things, but if something comes up that makes me wonder (and I have become so paranoid), I will check into it.

This is where I am at, to some extent. I honestly don't believe I go through the paranoia much, if at all. That is the result of working very hard on myself and my issues. I have been working with printed materials, reading and posting on CoSA online and attending Al-Anon. I am doing the latter until a CoSA forms in my area. One lady on CoSA online is collecting names from folks on the site who live in this area. When there is enough, a group will form.

Anyway, in working with the above, I am learning to let go of the outcome. I cannot control that, including the possibility he will go back to copious amounts of saved porn and daily viewing of web sites. He may even cross the line to real women at some point. If he is serious to do any of the above, my checking will not stop him. SAs become expert at going deeper underground and lying.

But if I have reason to check, as NaiveAgain says, I will. I also admit to checking his email daily. FWH knows about this. He says he likes that and takes no offense. He realizes I cannot be his monitor, but my occasional checking makes him feel 'safe' to some degree, as he says.

I get gut instinct when he has gone back to viewing porn and compulsive masturbating. He becomes more distant and avoids affection with me. That's when I gently confront him and tell him I sense he's using. Often he will try and lie. I will tell him I think he's lying, and almost without fail, he does not respond and looks guilty.

When the newly formed SAA group here progresses with more men joining it, H will hopefully agree to have a sponsor. In the meantime, he is working RecoveryNation online and said he may decide to hire a life coach on the site. He is somewhat skeptical of the SAA program at this point. I think that stems from his father's involvement and his experience with some of his dad's friends who made AA their god. Anyway, once he has someone in either program to which he is accountable, I will likely make myself quit snooping no matter what. However, I will still need access to all his accounts, passwords etc. I might not use these to snoop, but his willingness to give me those speaks volumes to me. KWIM

However I still hold to my earlier assertion that Innerstrength's ICs are wrong about this. She is not ready to let go of this yet. She needs to work on herself more before she is able to 'let go'.

That's just my opinion, however.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, November 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

newday2day - that is what my counselor told me that helped me let up on the obsessive snooping. If it is truly a problem, it will come out again. All I can do right now is take care of myself and try to move forward. My safety net on this is that when I found all that stuff, he saw I was really hurt, he gave me his laptop (he doesn't need it for work), and I asked him--can you give up the porn for good, and he said yes. So now if he goes back to just general porn, he will have to get counseling or I leave. Because at this point he knows it hurts me and the relationship, so if he goes back to it then he either wants to hurt me or he can't help himself. If he goes back to something more physical, I know I can't take that so I am gone.

1forward1back --I wish I could get us to your point. I have checked into recoverynation and even printed up some of the stuff so if my H ever does start to come around or if I get an opening where I think he can handle it, I have decent information to give him. He can't deal with it right now because I know it makes him ashamed and he feels terrible for the hurt he has caused. He has been carrying this shame and guilt most of his life. I am trying to be his safe place that he can confide and I know his sister told me he has been closer to me than anyone before, he has confided some shameful secrets to me in the past of his own free will without me even probing, so I am hopeful, but not delusional, and I will not let him continue on a destructive path and take me along.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14912 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
HoBeGone
♀ New Member
Member # 21567
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, November 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey girls :)

I have a question - is it possible for my H to use his "acting out" as a way to get back at me for being angry at me?

The counselor (and my H *eventually) told me that it's his way of 'exercising control' and rebelling against the imbalance of power that I have in this relationship.

That if he's angry or feeling "out of control" - THAT is why he's acting out.

[This message edited by HoBeGone at 4:00 PM, November 14th (Friday)]


Me - 35F - BS - Smart, Beautiful, Faithful
Him - 29M - WS - Asshole, Diagnosed Sex Addict
Son - 5
Together 7.5 years, Married 5.5 years



Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2008
Luxx
♀ Member
Member # 20965
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, November 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all.

I'm new here. Not to SI, but to this particular thread.

I have a few questions about SAA, I was wondering if anyone here who has some experience/knowledge would mind if I asked a few questions via PM?

Please let me know. It would be greatly appreciated.


D-day 1: May 20.08
D-day 2: Aug 17.08

Posts: 392 | Registered: Sep 2008
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, November 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, everyone!

I'll admit-I dont check nearly as much as I used to. I can usually tell if he's been doing things I wouldn't approve of. Ex. he'll become really agitated if I ask to get on his PC. BIG red flag! I've never checked his e-mail though. That being said, I've made the most significant discoveries by accident, most recently his stash of Maxims in the bathroom. No I take that back, the most recent discovery would be a CD with "treasures" written on it. I can only imagine what that is. I hope it's not porn, but I've always suspected that he woul transfer some of the porn files from his computer and onto a disk.

HoBeGone, I think my OH does act out more when I'm upset. I never thought that he did it to get back at me though, but I don't know what's happening in your situation. For us it's a cycle-he acts out, I get mad at him and confront him, he acts out even more. I had thought he was doing that to cope with my anger (I admit sometimes I got really mad). Now I'll ponder about this some more!!! As for us, I do set the tone, but he's the one with all the power in the bedroom. He's the one with the lower sex drive ( or it appears that way when he's acting out).

Okay, it's time to make a confession. I've been holding this in for a goo while, so here goes.

I caught my partner looking up nude pictures of a 15 year old girl.

She's a celebrity. He LOVES nude celebrities (more than he loves nude LDLH). I'm guessing that he was surfing for nude pictures of celebs then stumbled upon that. He went from a site with suggestive pictures of this minor to nude pictures of this minor.

I was disgusted, and confronted him. I told him it was child porn, it was disgusting, any guy who wanted to look at that had problems, and I asked what would happen if an authority discovered nude pics of a random 15 year old girl on his PC.

He said it wasn't her, and he was only curious. Lo and behold, the member who started that thread and posted those pictures is being investigated by the FBI (good, and they confiscated his stuff as well). And yes, it was her.

When I met him, I never could have thought he would do anything like that!

Has anybody else's partner had real contact with a porn star?


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.