Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: brokenhearted730 (43224)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, October 5th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all,

I want to thank EternalOptimist, 7years and others, who are trying so hard to hold us together; that is, the rest of us who are new to this, who are suffering, and who feel hopeless.

I have thought very hard about all the inspirational posts, and wish to share some optimism, however small, I have, 7 months out of D Day 1:

* I realize my strength - the fact that I lived through and survived this ordeal, and the fact that I am trying to R, makes me an incredibly strong person.

* I realize how much WS loves me. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but WS has been so remorseful and so committed to changing, that makes me realize how much he wants to be a better man for me.

* I realize that WS and I are in fact more intimate with each other - we are re-learning how to communicate, whereas before, we both tend not to express any negative thoughts with the misguided intention to protect each other.

* I realize if I have to live alone again, I will be able to move on; I am not dependent on anyone.

* On D Day 2 when I was sitting in a hotel room (I stomped out of the house and stayed in a hotel for a few days), telling my best friend what had happened, she cried genuine tears for me. I realize that I am so blessed to have friends who love me, and that no matter what happens, I will not be alone in this world.

* I realize my obssession for predictability and control, while understandable, is not realistic. I have grown to accept elements in this life that I cannot control, but know that I will be okay no matter what life throws at me.

* I realzie though I feel "broken" on some days, I have not totally lost my hopes in the future.

* I realize the human capacity for love and the promise of "for better and for worse".

* I am more compassionate towards others in difficult circumstances.

* I no longer hide my unhappiness and silence my feelings for the sake of keeping peace. I realize I am worthy and I have a voice.

* I put things into perspective - that I am not alone in this world, and there are strangers out there like all of you here who are willing to take the time to help others in need. The world is not all bad.

* I realize while life knocks me down, I don't have to help it along by knocking myself down as well. I have to be my own best friend.


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, October 5th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there scribbling mom:

You said this: "An active addict shouldn't even get the privilege of "parenting" ...
Again, my bottom line: I won't allow a sex addict in active addiction to live under my roof. Period. And now that he's proven UNtrustworthy x 1,000...I don't trust his judgment/thinking about anything...
He was given tons of Grace & a chance to come home w/ us supporting him in supposed recovery...he threw that away...
so, he's on his own now...and the reason it's more effective is that HE has to want it...do it...and has no one to ENABLE-the-Shet out of him anymore...no more being manipulated/feel sorry for him shet...hence, my business-only communication w/ him...
I'm working on ME & what i want & going forward regardless of what he does or doew not do..."

I'm wondering really IF there's any chance at all that your husband, and mine, truly wants it. Wants to be a husband, father, and a faithful one at that. This is my main problem too. I'm feeling really if they don't, then I need to move on. I'm leaning towards believing anyway scribbling, that my husband doesn't really want this life, that he wants a life to do as he pleases, to give in to every whim, every lustful desire he has, and to not care. I really believe if he cared, and maybe if your husband really cared too, they would NOT have retreated once again to their immoral behavior.

I am not buying "having a sex addiction" much longer as an excuse for their choice of behavior. For it is still their choice to do, to act out. I know for me, I cannot and will not continue in a marriage with a SA who continues in denial and who is continually choosing to act out. This is plain wrong, in my view. There comes a time, when a man or woman has to choose what's more important? their marriage and family/or their lusts?

Actions will speak louder than words/
In my view scribbling.....your husband has chosen, maybe you cannot hear it, or choose not to.

[This message edited by Ingrid at 12:25 PM, October 5th (Sunday)]


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
2bewildered
♀ Member
Member # 20305
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, October 5th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid,
I think they do want it (the family, the life, us), but really what do they want more. That was the hardest part for me, building up to the point where I had to walk away.

I know my SA WSO loved me, wanted me. I also know that by choosing to engage in that lifestyle again he clearly told me what he wanted more. Of course I made him choose. I had done enough compromising and making excuses for him to make me sick to my stomach and when he started to slip I clearly told him pick this or me. He wanted me, but he wanted his addiction more. It makes it harder to walk away at times, and at other times easier. I no longer have to face this battle with him. It was his choice, but I reap the benefit of being the one who no longer hast to live a life colored with sex addiction.

I commend and am a bit jealous of everyone on this thread who is fighting to make it work. But the thing is he ahs to be willing to fight alongside you.


Doing a decent job of moving on.

Posts: 1365 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Florida
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, October 5th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But the thing is he has to be willing to fight alongside you.

I think you hit the nail on the head, 2bewildered... I am so sorry for what has happened in your situation, but I think in the end you will be happy with your decision if he's not fighting the fight to get sober...

Ingrid- I am sorry that you are having a rough time right now, but please understand that this IS a real addiction. The feelings of loss of control really are there in the addict. At least in my situation, my H was literally tormented by his poor choices and felt terrible each time he had acted out in the past. He has lived a life feeling abnormal and terrified that everyone would find out about him... (Since he was 8 years old!)He did not want to be an addict. He did not want to be obsessed by all things porno and forbidden. He is truly sorry and he has been making every effort to change not only for our relationship, but because he can finally see that he was going to destroy his life.

He is making the change for HIM. He knows that if he is not active in his recovery, he is out of my life. That is my bottom line. I will not allow my life to be polluted by it any more. Sometimes it takes following through with those consequences to really get some action. Sometimes not... but I think that if you continue to compromise your values and wants, you will only continue to be disappointed.

Everyone has their own reasons for staying and their own reasons for leaving, but I just hope for you that you can find strength to stand up and say that you're not going to take it anymore! I think your quote says it all:

I know for me, I cannot and will not continue in a marriage with a SA who continues in denial and who is continually choosing to act out. This is plain wrong, in my view

Stick to your inner voice and know that he will change if and only if, he wants to. Being at home will not change him. Sleeping on the couch will not. Living out on his own will not either. Nothing you do matters at this point in terms of his recovery. But what does matter is that you take care of you. Do what you need to do for yourself and the kids.

That was the best advice I was given and it is so absolutely true. We cannot monitor them, because they are good liars and will find ways around it. We cannot control the environment to keep porn and strip clubs out of view. We cannot try to get them to change unless they reach a point where they realize they have to for themselves.

I send you love and strength that hopefully your H gets to a point where he realizes you mean business... But that also means that you have to stick to your guns and mean it...

Good luck to everyone here---
It's been so busy lately on here- I have to go back and catch up!

Hugs and strength to all of you- You are my most wonderful counsellors and I thank each and every one of you for your stories and words of wisdom.. I learn every day I am here...

(It was funny, I was talking to my H about boundary behaviors and consequences and that very day was when 7yrs posted hers up after she was asked to do so... I feel like we are all living in this strange parallel universe and are here to halp eachother--- thank you ladies! You all keep me going!)


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
dyinginside
♀ Member
Member # 16273
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, October 5th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone--- I am new to this post. My husband has been diagnosed with herpes acquired form a prostitute. I was tested and I came back totally healthy of all std's. Our history includes a long one of his drinking and occasional reckless drug use, a PA one year ago, and then his false R which was a pretty good year where I thought we were in true R. He stopped the drinking and picked up smoking/chewing tobacco and kept the drinking to business trips. On a business trip he visited a prostitute (once that I know of, and I believe that as much as I believe him, which is not at all..)

He was travelling again for ten days after I discovered the prostitue stuff and while on the phone during this time he suggested that when he returns he would either leave me or we would have a relationship that is not sexual so that I would not get the HSV. I didn't agree to either because I don't think this is the kind of thing that should be discussed via international call. When he got home he said that this is very much on his mind as a concern. Then he said he wasn't feeling well and tired (yeah you weren't the one home alone with two toddlers and no help) I'm not sure if it's because he has concern for me, or if he is concerned for himself and his sexual opportunties. I am suspicious, of course.

I was just wondering if any of you could recommend a starting point for me in dealing with this issue.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Sep 2007
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dyinginside))))
So sorry you find yourself here.

My first recommendation would be to educate yourself as much as possible- Read through this thread if you can, get online at www.sexhelp.com (They have some resources available, questionnaires for your husband, etc)

Find a counselor for yourself, and if your H is willing, have him find a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist)at http://www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm

A lot of us on here have also benefitted from some books:
"Mending A Shattered Heart", by Stephanie Carnes (Directed at the spouse or partner)
and "Don't Call It Love" by Patrick Carnes (Directed at the addict, but also informative re: the process of recovery and some of what to expect from the process, as well as statistics on recovery, etc)

If your H is receptive to the diagnosis and treatment by a professional, great... If he is not, you still need to find your way through all of this mess... Stay in touch here- There is so much wisdom from people who have been down the same path as well as those who are on their way back out the other side.

I am sure there will be more people who add to this list... Hang in there and learn as much as you can!

Good Luck-
innerstrength


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update

I had an incredibly bad day yesterday. I have been slipping back into my co-addicts; whatever it takes to soothe my troubled soul. I have amazing radar in that I can sense when my H is 'using'. However, I still doubt this radar at times, and tend to chalk it up to something else before I click in. The last couple of weeks have been one of those radar periods. Yesterday I finally decided to do a little snooping while H was at church (I have not been going lately; my form of some sort of rebellion I figure). I had done the occasional good search before this. I knew he was 'using' by various signals, but I could find nothing on his computer (other than more than usual 'take this and your penis will double in size spam'...that is a major signal as I know if he views porn, the cookies on his computer goes out to these creeps). But I could find no other traces on his computer, nor did I find any leftover CDs of porn that he erased and then showed the empty disks to me.

But how stupid am I. I know computers relatively well, so I should have figured this out earlier. I found two USB sticks (so easy to hide, non?) full of the porn images that were on his collection of CDs he supposedly erased, plus some new stuff. He erased them alright, but after he transferred the content to these sticks. Why the hell was I surprised? It's not like I trust him on this, especially since he is only doing the minimum to get clean. I allowed myself time to cool off before I confronted him when he came home. I did so in complete control. I did not threaten him with consequences, but I did calmly and clearly state the facts and the outcome options.

It has been over 2 years since D-Day and the resultant promise that he would deal with this addiction that has been at the center of what I know see as 30 some years of a dysfunctional marriage; a marriage in which I was incredibly lonely, medicated the emptiness with various addictions of my own and never consciously recognized why. I told him that the biggest thing he has stolen from me is hope; hope that he would get well and we would start a new relationship, one in which there is greater communication and real intimacy. Looking at the dates on the files on the two USB sticks, it proves he was never clean for longer than two weeks or so at a time. Of course, he lied to me during this time and did it with a straight face. I told him lying is second nature to him after all this time, so it will take a whole lot of work and time to trust anything he says on this issue.

I did not put definite timelines or even consequences on his future behaviour. I did not do this because I am slipping back into denial. Trust me, I am totally aware of the toxic environment his using creates for this house; this marriage. I told him I needed careful thought in order to lay down timelines. I said I was willing to continue to be patient, as I recognize the hold this addiction has on a man who has been indulging himself since he was circa 12 years of age. What I will not tolerate is his refusal/avoidance of doing anything it takes for him to deal with his addiction. A couple of weeks ago, H got a phone call while my son, a recovering narcotic addict who is 7 months clean and in the NA program, was sitting here. He took the phone outside, but refused to tell me what this guy, another SA put in contact with my H by our IC/MC counsellor, wanted. A few days later he revealed to me that an SAA group has started up in our small city and this fellow was inviting my H. It will be interesting to see if my H goes to the meetings. He has a class that night (a serious hobby of his) and I can just hear him trying to convince me why he needs to go to that class. I will stop him immediately if he does that and inform him he needs to make that decision alone and not involve me because he is just doing so to try and get my approval for that decision. I will stay neutral on this. Of course, you all know that in my heart, that decision would go a long way to seriously considering a definite timeline for the consequence. IOW, I will step up my plans to leave. At this point, I am trying to do what I can to prepare. I am working hard to pay off my bills (credit cards and my car mainly) as evidence of my boundary institution.

My H took the confrontation very well. He did not try and explain his way out of it. He did not get mad. He didn't even play 'the little boy who needs his mama's approval' card. He agreed with me that to this point he was trying to manage his addiction; that he is absolutely petrified to not have some sort of stash on hand for emergency use, if you will. He did something interesting following this confrontation. He started to clean up the clutter that invades our house. I have told him that his tendency to hoard and cause clutter is a symptom of his attempt to avoid using. He has been more absent-minded and messy than usual these past 2 years. He agrees it is symptomatic and he said he felt that starting the decluttering activity yesterday was indicative of his desire to deal with his SA, even if it was symbolic. I was actually very proud of him. He defrosted the upright freezer and actually threw some old food out, something he finds very hard to do due to FOO issues. He also formatted one of his sticks. That took 6 hours so he will do the other one today. I told him that this appeared to me as the 'same ol', same ol'. Every time he gets caught he immediately starts erasing his stash. He reminded me that this was necessary. Having them readily available in the house is only adding to the problem. He simply stated that he cannot have this stuff in his house. Working on not downloading it or buying it is hard enough; he said he certainly does not need it available.

Anyway, this is getting far too long. I just find it therapeutic to put this update into words and posted on here. Your support is essential. I am now a member of Al-Anon here, which is also helpful although I am well aware these people are uninformed about SA and somewhat at a loss. However, just the discipline of going each week is encouraging. I've also started working again on Recovery Nation and participating in the COSA website. I also ordered some more books from Amazon and some literature from COSA. I particularly wanted a devotional dedication to partners of SA. I read the daily Al-Anon Courage to Change pieces which I find helpful.

Anyway that is what is happening here. Despite the upheaval, I feel an amazing sense of calm and resolve. I may not know exactly what I will do, but I feel assured it will be wise and workable decisions.

Bless you all and I treasure your wisdom and support.

P.S. I have to get to work now, so I don't have time to proof read this post, so excuse any and all of the spelling and syntax.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear all: what a great thread! I thank each and every one on here with trying, as I am to try to get a handle on our lives, etc.

2bewildered: I hear ya! Their actions DO speak louder than words--their choices speak volumes about just as you said, "what they wanted more"......in my case, I know, as you said he does love me and our kids and our family of 20 years, but seemingly he has loved porn and strippers **more**.

innerstrength: I hear what you say. thank you.

At this point in my life, I am not willing to share a life with a man who desires porn, affairs, strippers, and infidelity more than me.....and I'm getting to the point finally, to really and truly turn my life over to my Higher Power, in that I know in my deepest heart, this is not what HE desires for me either. It takes Two to make a marriage work. When one is deeply involved and the other is looking around at other options, it is not good.

My husband, why just last week, upon attending my high schooler's open house, was gazing at all the scantily clad teen girls, I could tell. This made me sick to my stomach, to say the least. It's making me lose my respect for him daily. I thought he was a man when I married him but was sadly proven otherwise. I know, for me, I cannot and will not live this way for another 30 years.

Also he hasn't even gotten to Step One yet in SA, even to the point of admitting he's a sex addict. Rather, is still in denial, not working the steps to improve himself at all. And he makes me sick. I don't know why I even still am mad about him and desire sex with him, guess because of some chemistry we've always had together.....but I feel like I'm growing and he's staying the same; as our counselor said, he's like an adolescent.

Anyway, this forum has been a blessing for me too, and I'm so thankful for it.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Forward1Back - I have PMed you. Take care. Birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey group!

I have not been here in a while and will try to keep this short...I have not read through all the post! I wish there were a forum for each 'group'....so we could scan the topics!

Have any of you ever gone to the workshop for spouses of SA offered by Pathwayforhealing.com? I am in desperate need for something for ME. I can't do anything about him, but his actions sure do take a toll on me!

I am also interested in the couples workshop they offer.


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
2bewildered
♀ Member
Member # 20305
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1F1B - I'm so sorry to hear he is slipping again. And I think it's ok that you are not ready to lay the hammer down yet, so to speak. but preparing to leave is a good thing. I wish I had thought about it while we were still together. I just jumped on the denial train and left nor room in my mind that we couldn't fix things. I don't think fighting hard and having hope were bad, but I wish I had seen the possibilty that he could fail, and started to think about how I was going to pick up the pieces of the destruction it caused my life. Because here I am, destruction central.

1F1B, I am so sorry, I don't really ahve any words of wisdom. I made a giant mess of my situation.

And on that note, I just want to thank everyone for continuing to reach out, I know I am not dealing with an SA in my life anymore, but the damage and aftermath of this whole thing has really got me reeling. I'm having a rough day to day. I have been dealing with these swirling feelings of guilt for not having fought hard enough, and disgust for having put up with what I did. I oscillate back and forth between wanting to destroy every physical presence he had in my life, from gifts to what I wore the last time we had sex because it makes me sick to look at it, the next I get so lonely I want to call him and beg him to try again (No, I am not going to do that, but I want to sometimes)

I am just so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I thought when things ended I would start to feel at least a little better, Sometimes I do, but mostly I just feel like climbing under my blankets and crying myself silly.


Doing a decent job of moving on.

Posts: 1365 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Florida
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the newcomers. I'm glad you've found a safe place to air your feelings.
What strikes me as I read through all the posts here since I last checked is that -- no matter where each of us in our path to healing -- we're all making steps toward respecting and valuing ourselves. I don't know if all of you realize how huge this is. How many of us have spent our lives putting ourselves second or third...or not even thinking of ourselves at all? Yet here we are, in the midst of incredible pain, learning -- or at least starting to learn -- that what we feel matters, that what we want and need matters. That WE matter.
Remarkable.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((1F1B)))) & ((((2bewildered))))
Sorry you guys are having rough times right now... Lean on us as hard as you need to- We will be here anytime you need to vent...

I swear its true that all of you guys give me the best advice and I benefit from all of you so much more than any other counselling I've had yet!

Yet here we are, in the midst of incredible pain, learning -- or at least starting to learn -- that what we feel matters, that what we want and need matters. That WE matter.
Remarkable.

Yay EO! I agree! We ARE remarkable! I think the fact that we can continue to support and to lean on eachother and give our best advice has really made all the difference- At least in my life it has! I NEVER would have gotten through this in a remotely healthy way if it hadn't been for everyone's input and experiences here.

Stay strong and true to your inner selves ladies! I have to believe it will all get easier for us some day.

P.S. OurLifeBack- I have not heard about that, but I am interested in learning more about it also-


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DyingInside:

So sorry...:( I just got STD testing again on Friday...I asked for the Herpes 2 one also...someone HERE recommendeded the Westover clinic (on-line fab info!)...

Have you ever gone to S-Anon? It has been really helpful/supportive for ME...

This is a great bunch of ladies on this site...keep reading/posting...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2B:
Bless You...

A lot of women in my S-anon groups STILL come each week to the support meetings...even though they divorced...they STILL have to DEAL w/ the SA on some level...and/or they know S-anon helps them look at their own issues so they can learn about the patterns in their own lives...& learn a healthier design for living.

It's amazing for me to hear them share their growth since being in the program!

It's common to just go pick another addict unless one deals w/ their own issues...
THAT scares the shet outta me! Usually, the next one is different, but just another addict...One lady shared how she REALLY thought she'd learned a lot from the 1st SA marriage...but did it again & again...& she realized her "picker was broken"...and had much more work to do before getting into yet another relationship....Do you even KNOW how many times I've heard this story!? OMG! Over & over! ACK!!!!

Hang in there...& good for you for NOT calling him, etc...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
dyinginside
♀ Member
Member # 16273
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well it looks like my stay here will be short. Last night, WH and I got to talking and he said that his therapy session had really just been a discussion of his dissatisfaction with our marriage, how he had fantasized about seperating from me for quite a while, and that the shrink does not believe he has addiction issues. Which of course tells me he is not being honest and this is again, false R. Not that we are in R right now, we are holding. Anyway, he went on to say that he has acted out not because of addiction but because I make him so unhappy. So I guess it's time for me to really get my life together to move on, as I thought he was a man with a problem who loved me, but if he believes he does not, then obviously I need to move on. It's very, very hard to take after 6 years of trying to make this work. It's also hard to think of the kids being without a traditional family unit but really, he's been living his life as a single individual for the entire time we've been married.

Posts: 216 | Registered: Sep 2007
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dying,

It's so typical of addicts to blame others for their acting out. If he was so damn unhappy, he knew where the door was. I'm so sorry you're being treated this way. I think you're wise in believing you need to move on, presumably without him. If he comes to any sense, he'll recognize that he jeopardized your health and his own with his behaviour, not to mention your marriage. However, at this point, I think you need to assume that awakening may not come...at least not now.
Hang in there. And please stay and post as you work through all the inevitable emotions... Whatever the outcome of each of our situations, there's strength to be gained in talking to those who understand where we've been.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Exclaimation  Posted: 3:54 PM, October 8th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boundaries and Consequences seems to be a common issue that we all struggle with. I even struggled when I was getting advice in group and in IC. Today in an attempt to help someone in another thread I Googled and found an excellent site that really lays it out in an organized and helpful manner. They copied it from another site and give credit but I'm linking to the one I found because they organized it and laid it out better with the exception of some spelling errors.

Here's the link:
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page14.html

Here are a few things that stood out to me personally.

Learning how to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to own yourself, of learning to respect yourself, of learning to love yourself. If you never have to set a boundary, then you will never get in touch with who you really are - will never learn to define yourself in a healthy way.

No one deserves to be treated abusively. No one deserves to be lied to and betrayed.

We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If you do not respect yourself, if you do not start awakening to your right to be treated with respect and dignity (and your responsibility in creating that in your life) - then you will be more comfortable being involved with people who abuse you than with people who treat you in loving ways.

Learning to set boundaries is vital to learning to love yourself, and to communicating to other's that you have worth.

If you set boundaries and do not enforce them, it gives the other person an excuse to continue
with the same old behavior.

~Setting a boundary is not making a threat - it is communicating clearly what the consequences will be if the other person continues to treat us in an unacceptable manner. It is a consequence of the other person's behavior.

~Setting a boundary is not an attempt to control the other person - although some of the people who you set boundaries with will certainly accuse you of that - just as some will interpret it as a threat. Setting a boundary is a part of the process of defining yourself and what is acceptable to you. It is a major step in taking what control you can of how you allow others to treat you. It is a vital responsibility to yourself and your life.

~Setting a boundary is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation - although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate.

The difference between setting a boundary in a good healthy way and manipulating is this: When you set a boundary you let go of the outcome.

That last sentence hit me like a ton of bricks. That's it! That's it exactly. You have to surrender the outcome. You set your boundaries and your consequences and the outcome will be whatever it will be. I knew this on some level but I never was able to express it when trying to explain boundaries to others. It's so simple really.

Anyway, that site lays it all out very well and gives a script that you can sort of fill in the blanks on to set boundaries. Good stuff. I hope it's helpful.
7

P.S. Do you all think this would be helpful to the SI community at large? Should I make a post in General?


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, October 8th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7-

I think that is awesome, and yes, I do think you should post it in the general forum. Everyone who is on this site could benefit from reading that.

I think it's something everyone struggles with, once infidelity has touched their lives.

We all have to realize that we are worth being respected and loved, and we all deserve to be happy.

I am still hanging in because I see that finally happening for me in my current situation, but it's a nice reminder that if things start to unravel again, I know I will be ready to enforce my personal boundaries and take care of ME first and foremost.

Thank you for your insight and also for your commitment to this issue. You have helped so many of us and we appreciate you so much!

P.S. How's the belly growing?


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, October 8th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey 7years,

Wow -- that pretty much puts it in a nutshell that even I, who can be pretty thick about boundaries, can understand.
Thank-you.

Hope you and the growing belly are doing well.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.