Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Lost1960 (43229)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, September 26th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

unbearablysadd, Sorry you found yourself here, but all of us are here to support you. I have also private message you. birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
seeing_stars
♀ New Member
Member # 20728
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, September 28th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone, things have been very,very hard here. I have continued to be very sick and my H hasn't even tried to make changes. On top of all of that I've been dealing with someone stalking me IRL and doing really crazy things like sending anonymous letters to my mom (telling her of H's indiscretions which she knew about because she hacked my personal journal online) and sending anonymous letters to me. She's also been harassing me through email. We go to a hearing in court tomorrow to try to get an injunction against harassment and some consequences for this woman's actions. H has been blaming me for this (because I put my feeling out there in my journal) and I have been miserable. My doctor has moved my pregnancy to the high risk category because of this stress and has advised me to leave town for a while, but we can't afford an extended vacation for me :(

I just feel so hopeless, like everyone elses' actions are making my life miserable. I started with a good therapist, I hope that she can help me, I feel like I am drowning.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2008
cer
♀ Member
Member # 1255
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, September 28th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

seeing_stars,

My heart breaks for all you're having to deal with. I'm so sorry you're going through this horrible time. And it is hell on earth and NOT your fault! Forget what your H says and try to take care of yourself and that precious baby.

You're not alone. Many people here understand and care.

Carla


Divorced after 26 yrs of marriage and a decade of infidelity. Thank God it's finally over.

Posts: 94 | Registered: Mar 2003
gibbonsrose
♀ Member
Member # 16280
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, September 28th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Recently found this on an SA site, and it speaks volumes as to where I am still at, one year into this:

...Similarly, the sex addict's partner who feels unconnected, ignored, and betrayed and who therefore loses sexual interest in the sex addict, is not suffering from sexual anorexia, or a sexual hang-up, but rather may be reacting with integrity and autonomy to a situation in which (s)he does not feel valued. As Schnarch, (1997, p. 127) wrote, “Healthy people don’t want sex when it’s not worth wanting.”

H was diagnosed almost one year ago, he is doing everything right, and yet I am still feeling the "disgust factor".

Is this normal? Any tips for how to get beyond this? I feel stalled.


Me - Befuckled
WH - Limber at limbo *sigh*

Posts: 5040 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: mountain transplant
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, September 28th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Seeing-Stars)))

My heart goes out to you! You and your baby are in my thoughts and prayers!

Gibbonsrose,

I can totally relate. I feel like I am being forced to fall in love again. Maybe that's not the correct wording, but my WS and I have been on a 90 celibacy (we slipped once and started over so it's more like 120 days) and I feel so lost. I trigger at the thought of sex with him after what he's done. I feel like I have a roommate.
I love my WS more than anything, and I see his heart breaking in all this, too...but I just can't figure out how to get past the betrayal. He put my life at risk and I trusted him with everything I had. I'm only about 3 months out and I just don't know how I'm going to get past this.
Why are Sundays always so bad for me? Am I questioning what God has planned for me? I don't know!!!!


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, September 28th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gibbonsrose

I have thought about the anorexic thing. What you copied makes sense to me.

You're not alone. The disconnection and loss of sexual interest in him gets reinforced all the time by his behavior.

I wouldn't even know how to get reconnected or if I even want to at this point in time. He still gets his drug fix by masturbating and as long as he does that I don't see how I could ever feel like reconnecting with him.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
gibbonsrose
♀ Member
Member # 16280
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, September 28th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is reaching out. He wants to connect; he wants to be intimate. I know this, and yet I'm having a very tough time reaching back 100% of the time.

He has no clue as to what "intimacy" entails or how to get it. His attempts are clumsy, and he sometimes falls back on all patterns, but the wish is there.

How do I foster this for him, and yet not betray MY feelings?

This is so fucking hard.

I see his heart breaking in all this, too...but I just can't figure out how to get past the betrayal.
Mourning, I so get this. And I'm clueless as to how to get beyond also.

For some reason, I feel as if the onus is on me now. But damnit, I'm just not feeling it, ya know? Years of being a "tool", and the resentment, are difficult to transcend for me at the moment. Is it me? Or is it him? Is he doing all he can? Am I? I need to think about this some more...

Pebbles, that is so hard. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. Is your H in some type of recovery program?


Me - Befuckled
WH - Limber at limbo *sigh*

Posts: 5040 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: mountain transplant
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, September 28th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to folks who posted to me, and esp PM'd.

Due to their kindness (brotherly love, if you will), I gathered the courage to try again.

But, not a "weak" try, rather a "no excuses try."

Today we went out together at 1 pm and stayed out until 10 pm, talking about the situation. We broke it up with a late breakfast, some easy shopping (belts and pants for him, a cake stand for me, things we find easy to look for). We ended in our favorite neighborhood bar, having coffee.

He was talking notes for his meeting with his therapist next week.

He was also "talking back." Hard for him to do as he classifies himself as a "non talker."

I don't know if he is technically "SA" (if he is, it is cds and magazines, not people, clubs, hookers, etc).

We looked at WikiPdeia together (suggested in a PM to me), and that was helpful, although more "over the top" than where I think he is.

I'd found some great sites last week online, but can't relocate. Luckily I printed them out and think they may have the webdresses on them.

One had a very no nonsense "self test." It was kinder and gentler than some of the stuff I came across online.

We aren't traditionally religious, so some of the tied to religion messages out there don't make sense to us personally.

What was VERY helpful to me and made sense to him was the explanation of wny porn is addictive. I will post briefly about that next.

thank you all for your help.

If anyone has any sites that they find helpful, can they PM them to me or post here?

Thanks so much.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, September 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Porn engages human's basic interest in novelty (eg newness).

When people look at porn the same chemicals are released in their brain as are released in the brand new falling in love phase.

Read today that these chemicals are much more powerful than orgasm, according to Wikipedia (but, no reference given there).

In any case, the "feel good" chemicals the body releases in response to the stimulation can be addictive for people with mood disorders. (my DH is severely depressed - has been most of his life - and shows signs of OCD, for example).

Over time the level of stimulation needed to access these chemicals increases. This is why SAs often escalate from "just porn" to strippers, hookers, affairs, or even illegal / harrassing sexual activities.

The cycle is in response to stressors in the SAs life. They tend to be people who have little self worth and use the Sex Addiction to calm themselves. It only works briefly,then they hate themselves, causing more stress, and the cycle slowly starts over.

The part that made so much sense to me and later to my DH is the chemical dependency part. The chemicals literally *are* addictive. They temporarily help the addict feel better, then they feel worse (like eating sugar for some people).

Hope this makes as much sense to others as it did to us.

Warmly,


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, September 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.sexhelp.com/index.cfm


This site has some very helpful information. They also have a SA online assessment you can take. I filled it out per my husband's comments this evening and it reported almost word for word the characteristics he shared.

The site is non judgmental and even has a zip code locator for CSATs.

In our region in NYS, there is only ONE CSAT within 200 miles of us (in state).

Not sure if this is a west coast thing or a bicoastal thing? But never thot that a large metro area like Western and central NY would have only ONE person....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, September 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Out of the Shadows really helped me understand this addiction.

gibbonsrose. Yes he's in SAA and has a counselor. I did suggest a CSAT that is near here but he has to do this recovery by himself. You can't force an addict to recover. Your post makes sense to me as to why I haven't reconnected with him. My counselor was trying to help me reconnect and I came away thinking there was something wrong with me. Nope.



me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
gibbonsrose
♀ Member
Member # 16280
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, September 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UnbearablySadd, you wrote:

Read today that these chemicals are much more powerful than orgasm, according to Wikipedia (but, no reference given there).

I believe they may have been referencing "endorphins".

"Endorphins are a group of substances formed within the body that naturally relieve pain. They have a similar chemical structure to morphine. In addition to their analgesic, or pain-relieving, effect, endorphins are thought to be involved in controlling the body's response to stress, regulating contractions of the intestinal wall, and determining mood. They may also regulate the release of hormones from the pituitary gland, notably growth hormone and the gonadotropin hormones.

Some researchers have learned that strenuous exercise releases endorphins into the blood stream. Others have found that endorphins are released during orgasm, as well as during laughter. Endorphin release may occur with frequent sex and masturbation."

Pebbles, I so get you on this one.


Me - Befuckled
WH - Limber at limbo *sigh*

Posts: 5040 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: mountain transplant
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, September 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pebbles wrote:
he's in SAA

Well, frankly, there's the problem. SAA allows and encourages masturbation. He's not sober and he won't get sober as long as he's masturbating. I'm sorry pebbles.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, September 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7Yrs,
That is what my worry has been; SAA and the view of masturbation. WH just started his 90 today. So far, he is going with what his IC is telling him and what he "feels" are the problems.
Should I be concerned about the SAA view down the road?
I have worried about it a little since I started reading about all of this SA stuff, but have "let it go" as his thing to figure out, not mine.
Not easy for me! Sure has felt better though, than trying to nudge things.

ETA: I should add that WH's C says for 90 days NO masturbation and WH says he feels it IS a problem for him, so it is on his list of problem behaviors.

[This message edited by too trusting BW at 10:05 AM, September 29th (Monday)]


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, September 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7

I agree with you completely. Your words have helped me tremendously. I'm just not ready to abandon someone I love who has an addiction. He was also addicted to alcohol and gambling.

I'm not ready to give up on him yet. I'm not in a hurry to start a new life. When I'm ready to give up on him I'll know I've tried every avenue and feel it is the right decision. I hate divorce and I know he has given me one of the reasons I believe divorce is justified.

I'm just not ready yet to give up.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, September 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pebbles
Sweetie I'm not telling you to give up. I know you're not ready to do that. I understand. I really, really do. I just wanted to be blunt about the fact that as long as he's using he's not sober. I made the point as much for your benefit as for the others in the thread who might not have heard it before. You can't change him, you can only take care of you. You have to decide what YOUR BOUNDARIES are and set some consequences for him (and for yourself if you don't follow through.)

You said:

He still gets his drug fix by masturbating and as long as he does that I don't see how I could ever feel like reconnecting with him.

This is what is going to eventually kill your spirit and your desire to stay with him. He cannot be truly intimate with you in any kind of a healthy way until he gets sober. I know you know this. You're just not to a place yet where you're willing to push back. I get that. You're absolutely right that you cannot "reconnect" with a man who is incapable of healthy intimacy. The counselor who runs my spouses of SA group says it like this. "To the extent I know you, I can trust you. To the extent I can trust you, I can be intimate with you." You don't know him because he doesn't know himself. He's not facing this and getting to the core issues. He's managing and enjoying his sex addiction right now. So, you can't trust him. He is not trustworthy because he is not sober. If you can't trust him, how on earth can you be connected and intimate with him? You can't.

Here's the worst part. Even after he does get sober it will probably take a couple of years for you to actually trust him. It did for me. My FWS has been sober for 2 years and we just reached the point where I genuinely trust him and feel truly connected to him and can be completely intimate with him. Thing is, it's not just his sobriety that got us to this point, I had to do some really hard, serious work on my own with my IC.
7
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
too trusting BW
7Yrs,

That is what my worry has been; SAA and the view of masturbation. WH just started his 90 today. So far, he is going with what his IC is telling him and what he "feels" are the problems.

Is he sober or is he still masturbating?

Should I be concerned about the SAA view down the road?

Personally, I would be. This is my opinion of course and others may not agree. But here's the thing, if he was a heroin addict would it be okay for him to shoot up once a week? Do you think that would be enough or would it spiral out of control? Do you think that that would be a slippery slope and he'd slide back into full blown heroin addiction? I simply cannot fathom telling a sex addict that using his drug even once in a while is healthy.

I have worried about it a little since I started reading about all of this SA stuff, but have "let it go" as his thing to figure out, not mine. Not easy for me! Sure has felt better though, than trying to nudge things.

While it's true that you cannot make him do anything, you can have a boundary about this. If you believe he cannot be healthy with you unless he's sober you do need to set a boundary and a consequence. Are you also doing a 90 day abstinence? You should be...although if he's still masturbating there's no point. A 90 day abstinence has to be full abstinence. He will never learn to be truly connected to you or have healthy intimacy until he gets sober.

ETA: I should add that WH's C says for 90 days NO masturbation and WH says he feels it IS a problem for him, so it is on his list of problem behaviors.

And after 90 days...then what?? He's admitted it's a problem for him. Do we tell alcoholics that after they do 28 days in rehab they can go out and have a drink??? No, of course not! That would be absurd wouldn't it?

So, like I said, this is my opinion and I do have a very strong one on this. You have to decide for yourself what is reasonable and what is not.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, September 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is sober, no masturbation and yes me too. Actually I just assumed it meant me too. I am working hard with my issues which I may have thought were completely unrelated, but do not think so now.

He completely believes that due to the history, masturbation is a no-no for him. At this time.

What I wonder about is his ability to rationalize later, with SAA support.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is anyone here involved in group counseling as well as IC? I have been, but I'm beginning to question it. I leave there feeling so much worse than when I arrived.

Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow I am sorry to hear that. I just started the group counseling last week, and I felt so good when I left. The person facilitating pulls no punches and has each of us accountable to ourselves, so no sugarcoating. I loved it, and hope I continue to.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I believe they may have been referencing "endorphins"."

Thank you, GibbonsRose!

When I read about the chemical component it both helped the "addiction" make sense, and also made me feel a lot more hopeless.

An affair that can be more like crossing a line and a "signal" to change course and improve a marraige (along the lines of "My Husband's Affair was the best thing that ever happened to me" (NOTE: her WS was a very brief EA only, and she made it her life's work).

I DONT want this to be my life's work. How do I find out if he has a SA?

There is only one CSAT within a five hour drive.

Unfortunately I am aware of the person through professional channels w/o saying anything, are not someone I could "work" with.

Suggestion?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.