It seems to hint (websites-general info) at the BS feeding into the addiction, somehow. I don't think so, at least in our situation. I have never tried to change our sex life to please him, or changed myself for him.
I truly never had a clue. Even over the past year, since the first D-day, I haven't fallen into that trap of trying to compete with the OWs in a sexual manner.
I just don't want to approach this whole thing with the wrong attitude, but I just don't see it.
Are there other ways to be contributing to the addiction?
Are there things that I need to be sure to do or not do, in this process?
Many of us take issue with whole co-addict/co-dependent stuff. There were certainly things I did that allowed my husband to "disconnect" from the family (perhaps allowing him in his mind to do the things he did) but, like you, I had no idea, didn't alter myself to suit him and, honestly, assumed that I was his dream-girl. So take it all with a grain (shaker!) of salt. You'll get clearer on what/how you may have "enabled"...or not. In the meantime, take care of yourself, which helps keep the anger/resentment down.
Forgot to add, that I am having issues with this idea of 90 days abstinence. Hard to swallow after intimacy being a rare thing for 9 years.
How do we get past the resentment that once again we go without because of them?
90 days of abstinence does not equal 90 days of no intimacy. This is the KEY. He needs to learn the have HEALTHY intimacy WITHOUT sex. You should cuddle, kiss and hold one another. You should even learn to be naked together WITHOUT SEX. SA is an intimacy disorder. Sex is just sex, there is no intimacy with a SA out is still acting out. The 90 days should be about learning to be INTIMATE without sex. Once he learns that, the sex will be fantastic.
Eternal, I will definitely take some ownership for letting him disconnect. I am so glad you used that exact word. It is how I have described his behavior in difficult times for years.
I am starting to feel less in shock, or overwhelmed.
You'll have days where you think "I can handle this..." and days where it just seems so much more than you can possibly accept. But the tough days will get fewer and farther between -- as long as your spouse continues to recover and allow you the emotional support to heal yourself, too.
I never dreamed I'd have to deal with this (didn't know "this" existed, quite frankly) but now it's simply part of the fabric of my life -- not my whole life, or even the biggest part. Just something that's altered my course...
And 7years, you're exactly right re. sex and intimacy. I needed to hear your words, too. Thank-you.
Like many others, I am still having problems with the whole co-addict/co-dependent thing. I internalize problems (up until now) that may have created an intimate distance between us, but other than that this came out of freakin left field for me.
The roller coaster still rages, but we're both working on R.
My WS must travel about 2 weeks a month for business. Since D-day#1, he has not traveled, but will slowly begin to do that again in the next week or so.
Anyone have a similar situation that could provide advice on how to calm my fears and/or have an accountability procedure in place for these trips from now on? The majority of his acting out was while traveling. WS and I are both in group, and he's got accountability partners through that, but I'm scared to death that the other shoe will drop.
I can't take this rollercoaster.
David Duchovny enters rehab for sex addiction
Good for him for making a public statement about it... It must have been a very hard decision to make public- Out of all the addictions in Hollywood, this one is almost never spoken about.
It's good that they are willing to talk about it. If it keeps getting publicity, I think it will be so much easier for people to get help and start thinking about it as a "real" problem. The "taboo factor" will lose it power.
P.S. As a side note- I am so happy with my H's new therapist- He trained under Patrick Carnes and my H thinks he is great... I am feeling like we are finally getting somewhere with all of this! Now I just need to find a good IC for myself... We've already been through 2 of them...
He has been very proactive around addressing my fears. Here is what he has been doing:
Gives me his complete travel itinerary, including names of hotels he will be staying at
Calls and texts me from the road just to say he loves me
Calls me when he arrives to give me his room number
Calls me via Skype webcam in the evenings from his hotel room; we talk about our day, etc. Sometimes we talk about recovery literature he has been reading. Lately, we have been talking about "Out of the Shadows."
Calls me in the morning to read that day's page from the AA 24-hour a day meditation book and to pray with me for that day's sobriety. I'm in a 12 step fellowship, too, so it's good for both of us.
All the initiative is his. This is all new behavior. In the past, he would go on trips and while I would know what city he was in, I wouldn't know where he was staying. I once had a job that required international travel and I always called him. But he fell out of the habit of staying in touch with me during his travels and I didn't think to call him on it.
He is away on a trip now--returns later today. I can't say that I have been 100% anxiety-free but I have had long stretches of time where I didn't think about him at all. I was just living my life.
Anyway, I see all of his proactive gestures as deposits in the (currently overdrawn) trust account. I'm hoping the balance will get back in the black soon. These overdraft charges are a BITCH!
[This message edited by onceinlove at 8:19 AM, August 29th (Friday)]
Your WS's job requires him to travel, and his previous liason(s) occurred during his travels. Of course, you are anxious, no matter how well the recovery is going otherwise.
While your situation is quite specific, it applies to all of us, just in different ways. E.g. Some of my WS' previous liasons involve co-workers. Since he continues to work, I am anxious all the time, even though all the "other women" are no longer with the company. And I can't exactly to tell him quit his job, don't look for a new job and be unemployed :(
I read that many sex addicts develop a "ritual" that they follow while they act out. Therefore, while each of our WS has his own ritual, whenever our WS is in the same situation which allows the ritual to occur, we BS all feel anxious.
If anyone has words of wisdom and encouragement to quell my anxiety (bordering on obssession to be truthful), I would sure love to hear!
It would be nice to read something in mainstream press that speaks candidly and compassionately about sex addiction, rather than the nudge, nudge, wink, wink treatment, or the complete dismissal of addiction as even a possibility.
Newsweek seems to have gotten it right! My husband found the article and sent it to me.
My first OB appt and ultrasound to look for a heartbeat is today at 11:15. I'm pretty nervous and would appreciate good thoughts.
I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers your way for a strong heartbeat! Keep us posted....
And thanks for that link. I'll give it a read.
Is this normal that there aren't enough people far enough along in the 12 steps to sponsor him?
I thought that WH's leering and objectifying women was normal for men. I also thought porn was normal. This is the part I'm having trouble with forgiving myself for. I knew what he was like, didn't like it and I stayed with him anyways.