All I know is that for MY WS, THIS is what it finally took...for him to be able to be HONEST about his past (we've been married almost 22 years)... the threat of the poly, the Disclosure ?'s, confessing all to his groups/counselor, & him knowing if he didn't come clean, he was going to lose his family...
My WS is now going to groups 3-4 nights a week , counseling (we have both become very close to our counselor), & SA group w/ a sponsor & is working the steps.
He truly realizes he is an addict...and is in recovery now...Currently doing the 90 Day Abstinence thing...on day 40-something...longest ever w/ no sexual activity whatsoever! Prior, he had 60 days from no M. but was still having sexual relations w/ me...
[This message edited by ScribblingMum at 3:18 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]
I think everyone should work with their counselor to write their own questions rather than going from someone else's list. (This is just my honest opinion.) Each person should decide what they can handle BUT AGAIN, I really think a counselor should be involved to help prevent "pain mining" and the eventual backlash that comes from too many details. I thought I could handle what I asked for...turns out, not so much.
I know now in my heart, I can't get past this.
Or, put another way, it's something you've realized that you cannot tolerate in your life, or simply do not want.
It's a sign of healthy self-esteem to refuse to tolerate destructive influences, and this is one of the most destructive imaginable.
People: Read up on the 180!
Oh, and I'm boycotting Nike forever ;)
He actually had been seeing escorts for the period of 6 months before I discovered I had an STD. 11 whores in total.
I feel so stupid. I've asked him a hundred times if he ever hired anyone. He always said no.
I don't want to know all the details. Obviously if he got an STD and gave it to me, he wasn't being safe.
Strange, but on some level happy to know that I wasn't crazy. I knew something was going on then. But couldn't catch him. And since we R a year ago, I've had that nagging feeling. But he always denied it.
I feel relieved to have it out in the open how serious his problem is.
He is full of apologies and promises today. I am trying not to get sucked in.
I want him to move out. But I am also afraid he will act out if he stays in a hotel. I know rationally I shouldn't be trying to protect him from himself.
Kick him out...YOU cannot prevent him from acting out unless HE is ready to get into true Recovery...hotel or no hotel...most need to lose much before they realize they are in fact a SA...
is he in counseling/support groups, etc? /you'll have to decide the minimums in order for him to be with you...if at all...
I did ask him to leave. Tonight.
When we reconciled it was based on two conditions
1- he had told me the truth
2 - he was getting counseling
Niether was true. I feel like a fool, but I gave him more than the chance he deserved.
He's out tonight. I am struggling. Need to set up terms.
He seems suprised?!
If it was me, I'd divorce him asap. This is simply TOO sick to even work on, IMO. If it was a one time affair, or maybe not as serious, I'd say it's workable, but I'm sorry, I feel in your case, your husband is beyond sick.
You deserve so much more. I know it's hard, if you have kids, etc., but your husband is very very sick. The best thing that could ever happen to him would be for you to divorce him.
BS - me
WS - him, porn addict, 18 yrs, now adultery with stripper
married 18 yrs.
[This message edited by Ingrid at 9:29 AM, July 14th (Monday)]
He would need to be in counseling/men's accountabiltiy groups/SA 12 Step meeetings,working on sobriety/NC w/ other women/no acting out in porn, etc...but unless he is willing to get into recovery & go to someone who specializes in sexual addiction to get at the root of his acting out, there's not much to do...
You separate & go NC until he gets his shit together ...or not...
Meantime, try to go to a s-anon support group or COSA for working on you...
Have you read Mending a shattered Heart 7 others? carnes' books?
They are 99.9 % NEVER a one-time deal for a WS sex addict...even if you only KNOW about 1 (as in your case)...they are a recurring addiction/compulsion...and the sex addict needs help in order to change behavior...get into recovery...
The only time there is NO HOPE for a marriage is when the sex addict WS refuses to acknowledge the addiction/acting out (or has a menatl disorder which makes things worse & is incapable of learning to be honest)& refuses to get into true recovery/HELP/wants to change...
WS claims he wants more than anything to salvage the marriage and says he's been honest about the phone sex (lots), 4 or 5 massage parlors and 1 ONS (he claims) and acknowledges he has a problem.
There's an angry nagging in me that says there is still more to the story, but I can't discern if its just because I don't trust him or if God is trying to tell me there's more.
I love him with all my heart, but I am so hurt by this, that all I want to do is run.
We have no children, I'm 32, and today I feel like I would be better off just starting over.
Looking long term for answers from some of you who have been married for much, much longer, if you had gone through this within the first 2 years of marriage would you stay and if WS recovery is possible ever to consider children?
I'm so confused and disgusted at myself for the anger!
I told my Mother & Father this past weekend as they were in the same damn boat (not SA, just an affair) 20+ years ago and came out stronger than ever.
I just never imagined the pain could be this excruciating...
If I were in your situation, I'd divorce him asap.
I've been through hell being married to an unfaithful man for 18 years. I discovered it first when I was pregnant with our now 17 yo. It has been sporadic on and off, and now very worse, sex with a stripper.
UNLESS, your husband is fully repentent now, 100%, and knows and admits he has a problem, gets counseling, gets help in SA, I would divorce him. You do not need to go through what I have gone through. Believe me, save yourself from it.
I'm so confused and disgusted at myself for the anger!
if you had gone through this within the first 2 years of marriage would you stay
And what are you doing for you? Do you have an IC? Please do some reading on SA (if that is indeed what's going on with your H) as knowledge is empowering when making a decision of this magnitude.
To answer your question, if I had been made aware during the first 2 years of our marriage about the SA and all of my H's activities, AND, if we had not yet had children, I would have bailed. SA, being an addiction, is a life-long battle. I am reconciling with my H because of our child, as Little Gibb deserves only the best of both of us. And since WH is busting his tail to work on himself and this M, I am still here. If, and when that ever changes, I am out of here.
I tried to work things out a lot longer than I should have because we have kids and because I love him and hoped things would get better.
If he had been remorseful and open to getting help then maybe things would have worked but he didn't. Things just got worse.
If your spouse does not want to get help or isn't remorseful then run like hell!
This is not something that they will just wake up one day and be cured. It is a life long struggle.
His pride is more important to him than his marriage. SA is quite different than a single affair. With an affair, esp a short one, a mistake was made. With SA, the mistake is ones whole life. And it will consume anything and everything in its path.
I am not sure why I did not post here earlier. I think I was in disbelief that my otherwise perfect WS is a sex addict and had betrayed me.
My D Day 1 was March this year. I discovered phone sex, texting, dating sites & meetings. Even then, I knew the problem is more than a traditional A because of the scope, breadth and frequency.
D Day 2 was in May when I found out he had at least one actual PA. Though he did not tell me about this on D Day 1, he did break off the A soon after D Day 1 before I knew about it (I confirmed with the OW).
From day one, WS is remorseful, doing everything he can and reassuring me that I have done nothing wrong, that he is the one who is wholly responsible. He also said he has always loved me, and me only. He admitted that he has had this sexual compulsion & secrecy problem for a long time and even tried to go "cold turkey" himself without success. He said he was too ashamed to let me know and too afraid I would leave him if I knew.
We have been having IC and MC since day 1. He is still working through his problems.
He confides in me and the counsellor that he does not understand why he engaged in such destructive behaviour and he is very confused himself. He says the compulsion almost has a life of its own. He is otherwise a good and honourable person (and he is, I know it's hard to imagine) and he does not understand how he could let that happen.
In addition, morality aside, he says while pursuing the activities did give him a thrill, when he actually enaged in the activities, he did not even get any satisfaction. He said he felt empty and errily distant. He is a very educated man and is older (late 40s), and he says it frightens him that he cannot make sense of his own actions.
I know my WS is sincere. And though I am not his counsellor, and it is something he has to work on on his own, do you know if his reflections and feelings are "typical" for a sex addict?
I am so sorry to have rambled on. I thank you very much for listening to me and allowing me to join this thread.
Your WS sounds just like mine. Says he's very remorseful, repentent, sorry, it was never about me, I love you and want to save the marriage, yada, yada, yada.
My D-day was 6/14/08 and 6/17/08. On 6/14 found out about porn, phone sex and massage parlors. On 6/17 found out about a ONS when I threatened to leave.
He seems remorseful and was the instigator in talking to our pastor immediately and getting us in IC and MC immediately with the appropriate sex therapists...whatever their titles are... He accepts he has a problem and is trying to figure out where it came from and how he could have done this (he says it's been an issue for 12 years) We've been married for two and he says he was too ashamed to tell me anything about it in fear that I would leave. He admits the thrill of the urge and then the shame afterward.
Is is truthful or just full of bulls*&???? Who knows?
I'm working on me and making sure I can heal without him (whatever we decide) and this is bringing me closer to Christ than ever before so that I may have the strength to either bail or stick around wherever the path leads.
I am deeply sorry you find yourself here amongst us all as this is a pain far worse than death that I would not wish on my worst enemy!
Does he go to SA meetings? Accountability groups? And have you tried attending S-anon for you?
We are seeing individual counsellors and couple's counsellor, but neither of us have joined any groups.
I think WS is working "well" with counsellor and is not receptive about joining any group.
I have also learned about groups for spouses of SA, but strangely, I am also not too keen.
Finally, thank you everyone for being so kind to me. It really is difficult to be living with a SA and trying to R.
Just reading your post again, and wish to assure you that you are not alone.
As you have realized, I am not even married to my WS. However, we have been together for 7 years, engaged for 2 years and lived together for 1.5 years. The fact that we are not married is not because of a lack of commitment; we are one of those couples who have never wanted children and see a wedding as simply a party.
My wedding in fact is scheduled for November this year AND - I can hear everyone telling me no - I am seriously considering getting married as planned.
I am sure you ask yourself the same questions: Am I insane? I am young (in my case, I am in my mid 30s), with a professional degree, have a good job and no child. Why on earth am I not running for the hills like everyone is telling me to? Why why why?
I don't know the answer. I hope I do. I can give you rationalizations/reasons - that WS and I have a long history, longer than many marriages, we love each other, and he is remorseful and is willing to change. It is very hard when you are "young" with no child and you feel "stupid" for wanting to stay in the relationship. I even feel ashamed to admit to people that I want to stay and work things out.
I just want you to know if you want to R, you are not alone and you can always PM me or post here. I may not have the answers, but I will lend an attentive ear.
Thinking of all of you here!