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User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cor_en_fa
I replied and emailed you. Please get in touch when you can.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 3:58 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what site this article was originally posted to, but thought it might be helpful...

The Effects of Lust by Mike Genung

Our culture says that pornography, promiscuity and adultery are harmless fun.

Some psychologists say lust is healthy.

Many use pornography thinking they're not hurting anyone because "it's just me and pictures."

Husbands and fathers think they're not corrupting their wives and children because "the wife and kids don't see what I'm doing".

Singles think they're not hurting anyone "because they're not married".

But sex addiction has devastating effects on the struggler with lust and those around him. What the sex addict can't see is that:

Lust is his master.

The Christian sex addict calls Jesus 'Lord' with his mouth, but then like Peter denies Him and turns to the goddess of lust. Sin takes a strong foothold in his heart as he lives trying to have both God's love and lust's "comfort". But, "God is not mocked" and "by what a man is overcome, by this he is enslaved." Like a crack addict, the sex 'user' is ruled by his compulsions to act out even though he hates what he's doing.

He's isolated and empty.

The shame from his sexual acts and the fear of being exposed and rejected are powerful motivators that keep the sex addict trapped in isolation. He closes himself off, not realizing he's creating a "vacuum of emptiness" inside. This "vacuum of emptiness" is unbearable and so he "fixes it" by acting out sexually. But his acting out only produces more shame and emptiness, and a vicious cycle sets in.

To try to run from the mess he is on the inside, he fakes it on the outside. Some throw themselves into their career, mistakenly thinking the temporary successes of their job can fill their deep hunger for love.

Others try to use ministry. They put on their Sunday Happy Face and get "busy for God" making all the right noises to impress others with how good a Christian they are. But helping others can't soothe their lonely and aching heart, and so the addict soon becomes a Pharisee.

Some try to fill their growing emptiness with food, drugs, alcohol, people (relationships) and of course more sexual acting out. But nothing satisfies and the addict's emptiness only intensifies, keeping him trapped in the cycle of misery.

He becomes increasingly self-centered.

In his isolated state the sex addict becomes the center of his world. He obsesses about acting out, (or not acting out), his wants, his problems, how he is feeling at the moment, looking successful and what others think about him. All of this self-obsession causes ego buildup – and a critical judging heart.

He's blind to the needs of others, especially those of his wife and children.

His wife is neglected and ignored and he makes little effort to do the things she likes. His kids, who need their Dad's love, strength and affection are treated as little more than noisy distractions. He's harsh and critical to his family, and little things set him off easily. Although he doesn't know it, the stench of his self-obsession is painfully evident to the ones he loves.

His prayer and devotional times become short, infrequent, shallow and about him. "Lord forgive me, help me, give me, me me…". Intercession is an afterthought and praise is a duty. He stops enjoying God and forgets how to listen and be still.

His character rots.

Webster calls the heart "the vital center and source of one's being, emotions, and sensibilities". This sensitive place deep in the man's soul, where his strength and character are forged, is corrupted, distorted and hardened by the shame, selfishness and isolation of lust.

Instead of being the man of courage and integrity God has made and called him to be, he becomes "Weakheart", a "man without a chest." He loses his moral authority and the courage to do what's right. Instead of being a fighter he becomes a passive weakling who hides from the challenges of life. He makes compromises he would never have dreamed of taking before in financial and other areas.

His work ethic suffers, and he doesn't give his employer his best effort. He steals by using company time for acting out or other personal activities.

His perceptions, values and decision making processes are distorted.
Although the Christian sex addict says that "God, family and others" are his priorities, the actions of his life say "himself, acting out, and trying to feel good" are his primary values. God and others fit in when it's convenient or of necessity.

He doesn't see how his decisions affect himself and others and he can't see the devastating long term consequences of his choices. His distorted ambitions and his insecure and narrow perspective leave him prone to making big mistakes when crucial decisions need to be made both in his personal and professional life.

He's blind to the fact that the course he's on is destructive to himself, his family, his employer and the church. He wastes the gift of his short life and the chance to impact others in a positive way.

He engages in riskier sexual behavior, willing to throw everything away for something that will never satisfy, not realizing that "sin makes you stupid…"

If he's single, he corrupts his future marriage.

Single men buy into the delusion that once they can have "moral sex" their problems with sex addiction will stop. What they don't understand is their empty heart can't be filled or healed by another broken person and getting married is not the answer to their problem. He doesn't realize that what he does now will destroy his marriage later…

He gets physically sick more often.

The stress sex addiction puts on his immune system drags it down. Sex addicts get more colds and other respiratory infections, with longer recovery times.

He becomes a mess chemically.

Sexual addiction alters the shape of the brain and drains natural serotonin levels. The nervous system gets messed up. Deep sleep through the night is elusive and he often feels run down. Clinical depression, anxiety attacks and blood pressure problems start to creep in. Many sex addicts wind up on antidepressants or other medication to cope. Sadly, because they "feel a little better" on the medication they are deluded into thinking they're not as bad off as they really are, and the journey of insanity continues until…

All joy in life is gone.

Because his "happiness" in life is based on fantasy, his hobbies and other interests cease to offer any enjoyment. Personal or corporate worship times, normally a source of joy, only intensify his feelings of shame. He forgets how to relax and just have fun and he won't slow down because it forces him to face what he is inside. Life becomes drudgery. His answer ? More acting out to fill the Big Hole.

He deeply hurts his wife and children.

Because his wife isn't the always-there-for-him centerfold of his delusions he rejects her. His wife is repeatedly fed the message that "she's not good enough", and he prefers pictures of other women to her. She dies inside as the man she committed her life to coldly rejects her. Dad's self-centered emotional abandonment tells his kids that he doesn't value them. As a result an open wound of rejection by the most important man in their life takes root. Because Dad is Weakheart his kids don't get the discipline they need to shape and build strong character. Soon his kids learn that they need to "make it on their own without Dad". Unwittingly, the sex addict has now set his own children up for the very sin that has kept him captive.

Ministry opportunities are lost.

All of God's unique spiritual gifts and abilities are buried in the garbage can of his lust. He is blind to others close to him that may be in need or even ripe for the gospel.

Then there are ruptured families, unplanned pregnancies, abortion, money problems, STD's, the financing of the porn industries, the corruption of the church and the moral disintegration of our nation.

He rejects the Lord

Jesus, the One Who loves the sex addict, died for him, and is waiting to help him is grieved as the addict says that "I want porn instead of You God."

Most men don't take sex addiction seriously because they don't see how deeply they're hurting themselves & others and that they're wasting the precious gift of their life.

If you're struggling with sex addiction my prayer is that you take it seriously and do whatever it takes – now - to run from lust with everything you've got.


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uni
I had my WH read this and he is going to print this out for his fellow addicts at the mtgs.

Excellent post.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good article.

I think that's very applicable to all SAs. My partner could easily lose his job and everything else b/c of his habits.


Hypothetically, if I told partner I wouldn't leave or threaten to leave, do you think he'd be more honest? Not saying I'm going to do that though.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 5:18 AM, July 27th (Sunday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
newdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Loved - He is only going to be honest when he is ready to be honest. If you are going to set a boundary on honesty, make sure the consequence is something you are ready to carry out.

I do not think it is advantageous to make empty threats. IMO, it just shows the other person that you won’t carry through with something you said you would. In addition, unless you have proof as to whether he is or isn’t telling the truth, how will you know how truthful he is?


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone here go to AlAnon because there is no SAnon in their area? I am thinking of doing that because I really need to get into some kind of program to assist me to live with an SA.

My FWH is remorseful and hates being a prisoner to this scourge. But he is trying so hard to do it himself. He doesn't realize yet that he needs to get into a group or at least do regular IC. We don't have a group here, but there are others out there that may be interested in forming a group. H tries to manage his addiction. He copes by trying to keep busy all the time. It doesn't work. He slips.

Anyway, as newdayahead says, I have to set a boundary with a consequence I am prepared to carry out. At this point, I am not prepared to leave, for many reasons. It's not because I am resigned to be a co-dependent. I do not want to be one. Staying with him may be a co-dependent behaviour, but I will not leave...not yet.

In the meantime, I have decided to make an MC appointment and with the MC present lay out my plan to my H. I will say that I know he is trying to manage his addiction and not doing so well. He slips far too much. It is affecting out sex life; there is NONE. We tried and he couldn't do it. And to be honest, I feel a bit like a whore when we try. I make all the moves and do all the verbalizing, and he just lies there saying nothing and looking like he doesn't know what to do. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I do. Cheap and whorish!! He obviously does not realize fully yet that he will never be able to be intimate with me until he gets into a program and stays clean for a good few months before attempting lovemaking with me. With that, I plan to say in the session that he can go on as he is, but I have to get on with my own life without expecting any progress from him. If he does do the right thing, that's great. All the wonderful things he does for me, like really nice date nights, flowers, etc. are lovely, but I believe he does those things partially because he is trying to show me how sincere he is. But he can't stop using. I will continue to be his best buddy, enjoy the times out together etc. but I am resigned to the fact that intimacy will not be coming any time soon, if ever. After our daughter comes for Christmas with her husband and grandson (YAY!! I get to see and hold and spoil my grandson...they live in Europe) perhaps I will consider a life without him. I'm not sure yet, but perhaps by then I will be ready to enforce that consequence.

Anyway, would love some input on this from you other great people. I feel a bit sad right now. H is away for a week so I am going to take that time away from him to really consider all of this.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi 1Forward1Back,

Sorry you are having a sad day. Hugs and kisses.

I am a newbie here, but I can let you know that my WS told me he had tried to stop his addiction on his own in the past, but to no avail. The addiction got so bad, of course, that it led to D Day. My WS is now having IC twice a month (can't afford more than that).

I am not a therapist, but I don't think an addict can just kinda go cold turkey or just stop on their own. I don't think they can recover without professional help, lots of it. And they would have to want to get the help.

I know what I just said is nothing earth shattering, but I think you should consider the meaning of R and the condition of your trying to R if he refuses to get help and if he is under the delusion that he can stop it himself.


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what I just said is nothing earth shattering, but I think you should consider the meaning of R and the condition of your trying to R if he refuses to get help and if he is under the delusion that he can stop it himself.

Well the truth is there is no real R until he gets help. I know that. I always did know that, but I guess with each slip it's become more and more clear to me. Yes, we are R'ing from the A and ONSs, but that's not real R, is it. I have given him more than 2 years to realize that. It's time for him to put his big boy pants on now. He's out of town for the week. I wasted the entire day tearing the place apart to find his stash/s. Found 2 CDs and a huge envelope of porn pictures printed from the 'net. Old ones and perhaps one or two he forgot he had. After all, as he says, he had stashes everywhere; so many he couldn't begin to remember them all. But then again, he probably kept them, just in case. I'm tired of the snoop mode. I don't want to look any longer.

When he gets back, I will drag him to the MC session and draw that line in the sand that I stated above. Then I will go from there. Sigh!!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Whoknew?
♀ Member
Member # 9270
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Forward1Back, your post could have been written by me. (How many times have I seen that comment in this thread?) We're 4 1/2 years out and H is once again trying to manage his addiction on his own. I finally ordered Mending a Shattered Heart and Coming Out of the Shadows. I don't know if it will change anything, but like you, I'm not ready to throw in the towel. After 39 years of marriage (no grandchildren yet...lucky you!) I'll stick it out a while longer. I still have thoughts of suicide and that frightens me. Neither of us are in counselling. Guess I'd better tell H about this. I'm getting tired of the ups and downs....tired of hoping that this time will be the charm, but afraid to give up too soon.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Florida
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there anyone here who is divorced from an SA or getting divorced? It seems like everyone is in R but me. I don't have time to attend the local SA meetings. I'm a busy single mom now. I have tried one online but it wasn't very active. Their weekly chats are always when I am working or busy with the kids. I've been feeling kinda depressed lately. Can't believe my marriage is over because of SA. He has a girlfriend, going on with his life and here I am a single mom.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
newdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1forward1back - I think there are very few individuals that can work through any type of addiction on their own without professional help and outside support. There are some online resources, one being Recovery Nation. It provides written exercises that one works through, then posts online. Feedback is provided by those who run the site and other members who are working through the exercises as well. Most of the people, I know that use the site, use it in combination with IC and 12 Step work, but it could provide a start until additional help is found. This site has areas for both the Addict and the partner.

Peridot, this site might be beneficial to you as well. You can work on it as your busy schedule allows.


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
Cor_en_fa
♀ Member
Member # 19111
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would it still be beneficial to me to attend SAnon meetings if I'm divorcing my SA WH? He has suddenly decided that he has no problem and no longer needs any type of counseling. I can't live this way. I'm seeing an IC, but she's moving out of state in mid-August and I'll have to either find a new one or join some type of support group. I was thinking that SAnon might be a good option even if I'm no longer in a relationship with my SA WH.


Me: BS (36)
2 children
Divorce finalized 2/19/09 after a 13 year marriage.
This boat has sailed.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: United States
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cor:
Hi. YES! S-Anon is great even if you are divorcing! We have several former wives of SA's in our group. They continue to grow & work on themselves...& their own patterns of picking sex addicts. Very important.

Al-Anon
is also great if you can't find S-Anon...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
newdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cor - I agree that S-Anon would be beneficial to you. Even though you are divorcing your SA, your tagline says you have children. If they are his children, you will have contact with him in some form for many years to come.


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
2bewildered
♀ Member
Member # 20305
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WSO is an SA. He has admitted this and was in counseling, unfortunately when the economy started to tank so did his business and now due to time and money constraints he stopped going. He has continued his 90 day abstinence and is at the end of that and admits he is really struggling, especially with all the business stress.. We are sitting down tonight for the first time in 2 months to discuss reconciling. I plan on asking him to join a group, as one of my "conditions" since that is free and if he can't make it ebcause of work he can just go the next week. Does any one know what the difference between SAA and SLAA is? His MO is sex clubs and fetish parties. No strippers, porn or prostitutes (so he says and I believe this). I haven't read anyone mentioning sex clubs. A fun seedy underworld that is.....
Any idea which group is better or better suited?
Thanks for the advice!


Doing a decent job of moving on.

Posts: 1365 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Florida
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

difference between SAA and SLAA

SAA: Sex Addicts Anonymous
http://www.sexaa.org/
They take a very LAX approach to their definition of sobriety. They say masturbation is ok. Frankly, I think that is like telling a crack addict that they can't smoke crack but snorting cocaine is just fine.

SLAA: Sex and LOVE Addicts Anonymous
http://www.slaafws.org/
From the site:

"We in S.L.A.A. believe that sex and love addiction is a progressive illness which cannot be cured but which, like many illnesses, can be arrested. It may take several forms—including, but not limited to a compulsive need for sex, extreme dependency on one or many people, or a chronic preoccupation with romance, intrigue, or fantasy. An obsessive compulsive pattern, either sexual or emotional, or both, exists in which relationships or sexual activities have become increasingly destructive to career, family and sense of self-respect. Sex addiction and love addiction, if left unchecked, always gets worse. However, if we follow a simple program which has proven successful for scores of other men and women with the same illness, we can recover."

I don't know what their stance is on masturbation.

If those are the only two choices...I guess I'd recommend SLAA but be aware there will probably be more women at SLAA. (Not that that is necessarily a problem, but most partners are not comfortable with mixed meetings.)

Honestly, I recommend SA rather than either of the others.

SA: Sexaholics Anonymous
http://sa.org/
From their site:

"What is a Sexaholic and What is Sexual Sobriety?

We can only speak for ourselves. The specialized nature of Sexaholics Anonymous can best be understood in terms of what we call the sexaholic. The sexaholic has taken himself or herself out of the whole context of what is right or wrong. He or she has lost control, no longer has the power of choice, and is not free to stop. Lust has become an addiction. Our situation is like that of the alcoholic who can no longer tolerate alcohol and must stop drinking altogether but is hooked and cannot stop. So it is with the sexaholic, or sex drunk, who can no longer tolerate lust but cannot stop.

Thus, for the sexaholic, any form of sex with one's self or with partners other than the spouse is progressively addictive and destructive. We also see that lust is the driving force behind our sexual acting out, and true sobriety includes progressive victory over lust. These conclusions were forced upon us in the crucible of our experiences and recovery; we have no other options. But we have found that acceptance of these facts is the key to a happy and joyous freedom we could otherwise never know.

This will and should discourage many inquirers who admit to sexual obsession or compulsion but who simply want to control and enjoy it, much as the alcoholic would like to control and enjoy drinking. Until we had been driven to the point of despair, until we really wanted to stop but could not, we did not give ourselves to this program of recovery. Sexaholics Anonymous is for those who know they have no other option but to stop, and their own enlightened self-interest must tell them this."


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
newdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2bewildered

Bravo to your SO for admitting to his problem. Yes, there are some differences from one group to another, but if he is really committed to working on his problem – any available group can help. If you are lucky enough to have several different group meetings available in your area, I would suggest he tries out a few or at least calls and speaks with the group’s contact. It is very important, IMO, that he feels comfortable in whatever group he attends.

7 pointed out that many groups have different views on masturbation and this may be an issue, especially if it is one of the SA’s acting out behaviors. In SLAA - they have you develop your own bottom line behaviors, so if masturbation is an issue for the SA then they must develop a bottom line regarding this. In SA, they provide you with bottom line behaviors and masturbation is not permissible, unless it is with your spouse – whether if this is problem behavior or not.

Which is the best fit? Depends on the individual, the circumstance and what they are most comfortable with.

Just my 2 cents, if you are creating a boundary on him attending meetings, make the boundary x meetings/week, not one meeting and if you miss there is always next week. In my experience, there are many SA, SLAA type meetings available. If he misses his regular meeting, he needs to have another to make his agreed upon quota for the week. One week slips into the next and the next all too easily when life is stressful and busy, and an easy excuse for an addict that is slipping.


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
2bewildered
♀ Member
Member # 20305
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Newday & 7, thanks for the advice.
Masturbation is not an issue at all. In the 90 day abstinence his therapist "prescribed" he was allowed no sexual activity at all except masturbation. He has never been involved with strippers, prostitutes or one night stands, and has never had issues with excessive or unnatural maturbation. His problem is these "sex parties" that involve fetishes and voyuerism. He has been attending with one woman over the last year. But has been involved in them since he was 13 years old (yeah, shocking to me too!)

So masturbation is not really an issue and other women.... I think honestly it would be more of an issue for me. I understand logically that his problem is this alternative lifestyle. That he is not interested in other women, just this fetish thing. I'm not sure how I would react. Has anyone put a "no fraternizing with the opposite sex" rule on anyone he meets at the meetings?

I think the trick will be to see what meetings are available. WIth his schedule it would be impossible to say once a week, because he has tot travel for work, but 4 a month would be reasonable. Or it seems like it would to me..... I don't know, it's a whole new world for me....


Doing a decent job of moving on.

Posts: 1365 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Florida
2bewildered
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Member # 20305
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7years,
I just reread the SLAA quote you put in and the mention of obsession withfantasy is right on the money.
DOn't know how I missed that before! Because it is right up his alley.
THANKS!


Doing a decent job of moving on.

Posts: 1365 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Florida
newdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2b - Yes, i think that is a valid boundary to establish "no fraternizing with the opposite sex" and no, i don't think it only applies to meetings, apply it to life in general.

BTW...in meetings,they do strongly encourage calls and sharing through phone calls between meetings - they also highly recommend (don't know if I can say recquire) it be only between same sex.

If he truly adheres to the 12 step meetings, he will be able to check in with other members between meetings, there are online meetings and phone in meetings. If he wants it to work, he will make it work. In my general area, there are meetings available to my H at 6:30 every morning and there are several for him to pick from a day, including Saturdays and Sundays. Unfortunately for me, S-Anon meetings are far and between.


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
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