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User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
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Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
newdaysahead
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Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my partners’ group therapy last night, we were given a task for homework. I have been thinking it through and thought I would share. I think the counselor said this exercise came from COSA. I know many here do not believe in the co-addict or co-dependency labels, but I see this exercise from a healing perspective. It helps to define bottom lines for ourselves, both general and precise. Imagine a stop light: Red, yellow and green lights.

The red signal means stop. Here we classify the behaviors we do NOT WANT ever for ourselves. These are the ones that are not safe for our own healing, the ones that cross over into self defeating behaviors, and the ones that lead us into uncontrolled behaviors.

The yellow signal means caution. This is where we can place behaviors that are questionable, behaviors that let me know I am possibly approaching a ‘slippery slope’ of my own.

The green light behaviors are the good new ‘healing’ behaviors that I should do and want to do. These are the nurturing behaviors for me.

Some of my red light behaviors are relentless searching and rumination. My H has been sober for 9 months now. He has only come home since being sober. I am pretty certain there are no remnants to his old acting out. They were tossed before or in the process of him coming back home. If by chance there is something tucked away somewhere (intentionally or accidently), I need to remind myself that it will be found when and if it is meant to be found.

Some of my yellow light behaviors are isolating myself from others; not reaching out to my group mates, family or even my SA; not attending meetings; and stewing in things rather than sharing. I tend to do this when I am having a bad day or experiencing triggers. Somedays I start to feel that nobody understands or wants to hear me complain again. These are the behaviors that I need to be aware of on days when I am planning a pity party for myself.

Some of my green light behaviors are doing things for me, like going for a walk, reading a book, talking to my family or group mates when needed or just finding time for me.

I need to expand on each of these things more. These are just the ones that I came up with while thinking this over on my way to work.

I would love to hear some of the things that fit into these groups for you.


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That sounds like a good exercise. Our group just got homework on learning about "old tapes"...the stuff we automatically go back to in our heads and listen to instead of working on things now. I need to work on it this week.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll print my disclosure ?'s soon...promise...

The REASON you need to know the truth of all of the CATEGORIES that the SA acted out in is cuz if he keeps those/SOME behaviors hidden/secret...continues to lie about that one thing or so...XYZ...it ain't in the light...and he will inevitably go back to that behavior cuz it was still secret...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS continues to be unremorseful. After one month of separation, and him still continuing his stripper involvement, I just cannot live with it, and need HIM to tell ME his choice, which I posed to him ((again)) this morning via e-mail. Even though he said for me to be patient, give him time to work out his issues, etc., blah, blah, blah, give some more time with the stripper while HE decides if he wants his wife and family? I don't think so.

After the past month of agonizing, I think I'm beginning to really know myself a lot better. And am willing to be strong. And trust God.

I know and feel it just is NOT acceptable to me, for him to be carrying on this way, and for me to just sit back la de dah, and wait to see if he'll have a change of heart, become remorseful, get help with his obvious sex addiction ((finally--after 18 yrs))etc...I just cannot do it. It's too hurtful. He has a lot of problems, sex addiction, money problems, inappropriate relationships (obviously), but I do believe I am gathering enough self-respect to feel I deserve to be treated much better than this, as his wife. He broke our marriage vows, destroyed my trust, and is still breaking them as of yesterday. Every single day he's been out of our home, and living in a 12-step recovery house for addicts, he has been calling the object of his addiction, the stripper. Does this sound like a person who's trying to get help for their problem???

I cannot sit in the sewer any longer, nor can my children.

What do any of you feel about this? I am a Christian, and I know God desires all marriages to last forever, but if one wants out, I'm feeling then let them be out, and move on. That's the healthy thing to do, I feel.
God gives us BSpouses a heart overflowing with love, why waste it on a WS who abuses us, cheats on us repeatedly, and disrespects us and treats us like a doormat??


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
Ingrid
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Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had a talk with the head of the recovery house where WS is living yesterday. He said "if there's one thing you should know it's that you cannot force an addict to change." You can only help yourself.

That's probably true. We all have to decide what we can live with and what we can't.

I have decided to live with his porn addiction for the past 18 yrs., forgiving, forgetting, hoping it was over, now that he has admitted to "seeing another woman", a stripper from a strip club, who's been doing totally nude lap dances on him for at least a few months, and that he's been calling every day for the past 3 months (cell phone evidence)--I cannot live with this. I know there's probably much more to it as well, even though he continues to deny it.

So....while I cannot force him to change, or make a decision, I can KNOW and feel good about the fact that I will not tolerate 3 in a marriage any longer, not for one more moment.

[This message edited by Ingrid at 11:27 AM, July 11th (Friday)]


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
ScribblingMum
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Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


This was our 2nd Disclosure. I gave the ?’s to my husband a few weeks ahead of time and he went over them w/ his accountability partner, as he knew it was going to be tough to be truly & finally honest…
KEY: he also had the threat that he was going to be polygraphed (prior, he’d claimed his category/s of SA was only porn…but he ended up crossing the line into new behavior –(massage parlors) in the midst of counseling, 12 Step SA groups, & quasi-recovery.
He got busted & confessed, hit bottom, we hope, …which led to me authoring these ?’s for True Disclosure…)

**You can tailor/add to them to your own situation…I actually came up w/ another set after he answered these…

***IF your WS REFUSES to take, or at least refuses to be WILLING to take a polygraph, then he/she is HIDING SOMETHING…probably other categories, acting out, etc.
This might seem obvious, but my experience is that BS’s just don’t GET THIS…sorry…

FULL DISCLOSURE ?’s:

-Have you ever had sexual &/or inappropriate contact with anyone other than your wife during the course of marriage? (clients/home owners/prostitutes/sex workers/dancers/friends/old girlfriends, etc.)

If so, with whom & approximate date (or answer within the remaining ?’s)?

-Have you at any time paid for and/or received sexual favors from anyone, male or female during the course of our marriage?

-Did you ever attend live stripper/bachelor-type or sports parties?

-Have you gone out w/ buddies/workers/friends without your wife knowing in the
past?

-Drinking with them or out with them without your wife knowing?

- Met other women for any reason without your wife knowing?

-Have you ever had contact with other women from your past without your wife knowing?

-Have you ever had an affair? If so, do you still have contact with that person?

-Have you ever bought condoms or other Adult products?

-Have you ever been to strip bars/topless bars/sex clubs, etc.

How many times? What activities took place? Sexual contact?
Did you get their phone #’s…ever contact them outside of the clubs?
-Have you ever engaged in inappropriate contact w/ women in any of the following: e-mail/phone-sex/chat rooms/message boards/IM)?

-Have you ever been to: an adult bookstore? Adult cinema/peep show? A brothel?
Viewed live sex acts or engaged in them there or anywhere?
________________________________________________________

-Was the massage parlor you frequented recently at ____________________?

-What month/year did you begin going to massage parlors and for how long?

-Was this the only massage parlor you’ve ever been to where you’ve paid for or have had sexual activity services? What was the nature of the services?

-Was 2007/2008 the first time you ever went to a massage parlor or any other establishment for sexual favors/prostitutes?


-When was your last visit to a massage parlor? What was the nature of the sexual activity?

-How many sex workers did you engage in sexual activity with altogether in the past 15 months? Did you have intercourse with all of them?

Unprotected sex with any of them?

-What was the nature of the sexual activity & how did it escalate over time?

-Was there any S & M activity or violence/sex toys involved/porn available?

Price for services?

How much money have you spent on your addiction in the past 15 months (prostitutes @ massage parlors, & other)?
-Had you ever spent money on sexual favors/prostitutes prior to the past 6 or 7 months?

- How many times a day/week did you frequent the massage parlor?

-In what manner did you act out sexually in addition to seeing the prostitutes in the past 6 or 7 months?
-What were their approximate ages/nationalities? Were any of them under age?

- Did any of them speak conversational English?

-When was the last contact you had w/ any of the prostitutes (phone or otherwise)?

-Did you EVER have unprotected sex of any kind (no condom while engaging in oral/anal/intercourse) even once?

-Did you have an on-going relationship with any of the women you were with sexually (phone, e-mail, emotional, friendship, etc.)?

-Did you chat w/ any them off-hours? Did you call them directly?

-Did you kiss any of the prostitutes? Tell any of them you loved them or other affectionate things?

-Did you ever use ANY drugs or alcohol while with the prostitutes or before or after seeing the prostitutes?

-Were there drugs on the premises? Drug use going on in the massage parlors?

-Did you ever engage in sexual activity w/ more than 1 prostitute at once? Group sex?

- Have you ever been tested for, had symptoms of, or have you suspected you caught an STD during the course of our marriage?

-Have you ever had symptoms or outbreaks of herpes, genital warts, crabs, or other visible STD’s that your wife is unaware of?

-Did you ever see the prostitutes &/or engage in sexual activity outside of the massage parlor (hotel/bar, talked after hours, went for a drive, walked them to their car, etc.)?

-Did you ever go to their homes/apartments or any public establishment or have a drink with them? Were you planning to?

-Did you get attached to/were you more attracted to or fond of one or more of the prostitutes at any time?

-Did any of the relationships over time ever become more personal/emotional than just sex?

-What was the time frame of each visit? Was there sexual activity the entire time?

- Did you carry on conversations while you were there once you got to know them better?

Did you ever actually get a legitimate massage there?

-Did you have cell phone conversations with them? Call them or answer their calls when you were lonely?

Which ones? How often? How many girls/separate phone #’s? First Names?

-Did you ever bring them gifts? Tip them?

_________________________________________________________________

Alcohol/Drug use in the course of our marriage?


Alcohol/ Drug Use in the past 15 years of marriage?


Alcohol/Drug use in the past 15 months (including other family member’s prescription drugs)?
______________________________________________________

PORN:
-Porn use history:
Describe: (mags/movies/internet/frequency of use)
!st 10 years:


Last 10:


-Aside of Playboy, did you purchase more hard-core magazines? Which ones? How often?
-When was the last time?

-Did you order or rent Adult movies at home, from liquor stores, video stores, cable, or in hotels, when your wife was absent, etc?

-Have you ever viewed porn on your cell phone or on another computer aside from your home computer (child’s computer, friend’s or family’s computer, public access computer, etc.)?

-Ever viewed in any format whatsoever: (and indicate which form/forms for each)
Child porn?
Violent porn? S & M porn?
Homosexual porn? Lesbian porn?
Bestiality porn? Fetish porn?

-How many times have you bought or viewed porn mags
/calendars, images, etc. in the past 15 months (since the original Disclosure: Dec 23, 2006)?
Watched porn in any form of media?

-Have you ever engaged in voyeurism or exhibitionism? Other levels of sexual addiction you wife is unaware of: cross dressing & similar activities, etc.?

-When is the last time you acted out sexually with another person? Yourself?

-Have you ever gone looking or cruising where female or male prostitutes hang out?
-Have you ever solicited a prostitute for sexual favors from the street or those areas?
-Have you ever called about such while perusing personal ads in a paper, etc.?

-Have you ever solicited for street drugs?
-Have you taken drugs with guys from work in the past 15 years?

-Listened to phone sex recordings?

-Have you ever had contact, sexual or otherwise with
a male prostitute?

- Have you visited gay bars in the course of your marriage that your wife is unaware of?

-Are you sexually aroused or attracted to men in addition to women?

-Have you ever had a physical and sexual encounter or relationship with another man?


-Have you ever been in trouble with the law for any reason concerning your addiction? Gone to jail? Ticketed?

-Have you ever borrowed money to feed your addiction (including money from your wife/co-workers/clients/frieneds/secret loans, etc)?

What about specifically, in the past 6-7 months?

-Have you taken out loans/used debit/credit cards to fund your addiction?

-Do you currently owe any outstanding money for your addiction? To whom?

-Do you currently owe money to people for ANY reason that your wife doesn’t know about?

-List all of the money/loans you have borrowed (or attempted to borrow) that she was unaware of during the course of your marriage?

Has this been a pattern for you throughout your marriage?
_____________________________________________________________

-Were you ever sexually abused as a child or young man? As an adult?

-Have you ever viewed or downloaded child pornography?

-Have you ever had sexual contact of any kind with children?

SOBRIETY

-Did you have any continuous/uninterrupted sexual sobriety from April 29th 2007 (when you said you first had sobriety) until you began to go to massage parlors in Oct/Nov of 2007?

Define that sexual sobriety.

-When was the last time you acted out:
With another person? With yourself? With TV/Media/Sexual or provocative images?
-Have you acted out in other addiction forms?

-Are you currently acting out sexually? How?

-Do you currently have any sobriety? Dates?

Define that sobriety.
_____________________________________________________________

-Have you concealed, omitted, or lied about anything else that your wife & accountability partners should know about?


***Hope this helps some of you… Should I put this in the GENERAL Forum, also?


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
changedreality
♀ Member
Member # 13720
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was an outstanding list of questions!
I am reading Beattie's Co-Dependent No More, again. I am torn between running and believing he can get help and be ok. I think that I have made some decisions that will help my sanity. Tell me if this sounds semisane? I am telling him the following:
1. I will not have sex, will not sleep over, will not be touched in a sexual manner by him.
2. He can choose to use porn, buy porn, hide porn. I will not look for it or ask about it.
3. There will be absolutely nothing financial between us(splitting meals, me buying the video rental, etc). Because if he can buy porn he can buy that.
4. I will be spending less time with him because I need time for myself.
5. He will need to decide for himself if he has a problem, wants to deal with it and how.
6. I will not stay in this state of waiting and limbo forever. There is a time limit.


If someone shows you their true colors...don't pretend they're a different crayon.

Posts: 873 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Texas
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Changedreality, those sound more than semisane to me. I esp. agree with number 3. If he can spend who knows amount of money on virtual whores, you split anything with him.

ScribblingMum, great list of questions.

I am currently reading Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody. So far so good.

He says that he's going to quit with the porn and viewing escorts. He still maintains he hasn't cheated, at least not physically. I like to toy with the thought of giving him a polygraph since he lies so much. But that's just a thought.

I didn't see any activity on the adult forum, but he could have easily created a new name. I shouldn't have opened my big mouth. Or better yet, he should look up whores and lie.

I don't think I can believe he hasn't cheated. It doesn't make any sense to me. Why spend hours looking up hookers, services, and prices, and not use their services. Something's not right here. Counselor says to just trust him. Whatever.

I'm not sure right now where this relationship is going in the long run.

It's so odd that's he's like the perfect spouse then he'll go and do things like this. He's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I'll admit, him being otherwise perfect makes him harder to leave.

Ingrid, I think anyone can understand if you leave. It doesn't sound like he's holding up his end of the bargain-fidelity, loving and honoring his wife and family, and others.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid, as a fellow believer, I feel there is scriptural justification for you leaving this marriage. He is committing adultery and spousal abuse (betrayal is the ultimate abuse, IMHO) thus giving you a two-fold basis for divorce. If my FWH had continued his adultery, or if he does it one more time, I will leave and file. JMO, but I think God's Word gives you plenty of justification. It is not in His will for you to suffer this kind of abuse or humiliation.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
gibbonsrose
♀ Member
Member # 16280
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ScribblingMum -- those questions are excellent.

Perhaps we could request a "sticky" thread at the beginning of the post, so they don't get lost?


Me - Befuckled
WH - Limber at limbo *sigh*

Posts: 5040 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: mountain transplant
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid, my STBXH has also been going through the false recovery. He somehow has convinced himself that instead of using porn and prostitutes that he can have a girlfriend and be recovering.

We were trying to work things out while being seperated but I caught him looking at dating sites and porn. During this time we were in MC. It was then that I decided things were over. I couldn't put up with the lies anymore.

Then he got into the SA meetings, only a show for me and the courts, that he doesn't even regularly attend. I think he is still looking at porn and has a girlfriend. She's nothing more than a sex object for him.

He is in his 30s and she is 21. They have only known each other for a month or so and a few days of knowing each other, they met online, they were in love and are getting married two years from now, actually its like two and a half years from now.

I tried for as long as I could to save my marriage but it takes two people for a marriage to work.

I am in a divorce support group now, as are my kids, and it is religous based. I found out that adultry and abuse are about the only reasons for a divorce. I guess we would fall under that reason.

[This message edited by peridot at 11:46 PM, July 11th (Friday)]


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
howcouldhe1
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Member # 13210
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone reached the stage where they can accept that maybe they don't know everything, but they know enough? I mean does it matter how many times they've acted out, the fact remains that they have acted out. I'm wondering if that would be a good place to be, and if so if I will ever get there.

Just posting this again from the previous thread cos I'd be really interested to know how others are coping.


Me BS 54 FWH (BT) 52 M 22 years D Day 4/11/06 Over a year of trickle truths. March 08. D Day 2. Online porn and SA. Just when I thought we'd be ok, July 19 08. BT had accident. Severe brain damage, in persistent vegetative state. I lost him anyway.

Posts: 5488 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Kent UK
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO, some of Mum's questions way overstep boundaries and many of them are simply "pain mining." (Everyone really needs to read "Mending a Shattered Heart" it talks about this issue)

I think perhaps it would be better to seek advice from a CSAT and your IC to work on a formal disclosure rather than writing your own questions. I did it the wrong way (similar to Mum and frankly, I regret it because some of the details contributed greatly to my PTSD symptoms.)


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

howcouldhe1,
You asked:
Has anyone reached the stage where they can accept that maybe they don't know everything, but they know enough? I mean does it matter how many times they've acted out, the fact remains that they have acted out. I'm wondering if that would be a good place to be, and if so if I will ever get there.

I think I am almost at that point. I mean, is knowing any more details or disclosures going to change the way it is? No.

Will knowing any more about past life situations that I cannot control make me feel any better? No.

Until I can give up the past and start living in the NOW there will be no peace or end to suffering for me. I am consciously working on staying present in the moment.

It's a work in progress.


Me – 51
Him – 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 – 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 – 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that before you start asking questions, you need to make sure that you can handle whatever answer they give you. I agree 7 yrs, I also have PTSD and I think that some of the stuff I know is the reason. That and what he has put me through. After we seperated, I continued snooping for awhile for proof for court that he hasn't quit, he's in SA meetings and going through false recovery. It has gotten worse since the seperation and the things I have seen, I don't think I will ever recover from. I have since quit because it has just become to much. He's not even going to the meetings that I know of. He sure isn't showing any signs of improving. The only thing he is working on is making my life hell. He has been in the group for about two months now and when I asked two weeks ago how far in the book he was, he told me that he is still on chapter one. That speaks volumes.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Sad  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Peridot and 1forward1back:

Thank you. I feel for you two ladies too! We know each other's pain so deeply.

I can't find last post on here anywhere, it might be in questions from BS to WS, but as I said, we have been separated 1 month today. Things have gotten worse. He is continuing in a false recovery I believe, and when yesterday he came over saying he wants to give our marriage one more chance, then didn't even want to call the stripper to call it off, and when he did so, it was so fake, I could tell he didn't mean it. After him telling me he's "partly in love with her but in love with me too" this is it for me!!!! I know now in my heart, I can't get past this. Actually when he chose to step out, is when HE chose to end our marriage. There's just way too much pain, betrayal, lies, etc., for me to handle. And God knows I've tried for 18 years to make it work, and loved him with my WHOLE heart. He wants another life. And I'm finally knowing and grasping how to live the first step for myself of S-ANON 12 step realizing you cannot control another. This was HUGE for me. I know this, and I'm never trying to again. No more sneaking looking at his cell phone records, matter of fact, after yesterday, I KNOW where his heart is. It's half in the door of thinking he has to stay married out of duty, and half foot in the door with his wandering d___ getting his jollies with whores. Can't live this way, can't, can't and God does not want me to.

NOW, for me, it's a matter of knowing when the right time to file is. I do feel in my gut, that I need to at least wait out the rest of the summer, to find a job, become started with MY healing process, and come out of the dumpster where I've been living before I can make a solid decision. In the meantime, after yesterday, I do not want to see him, return any phone calls or e-mails from him. He soooo disgusts me.

I will look into the divorce recovery group at a local church right away in addition to my S-ANON group, and counseling.

I hope all you ladies out there, wives of SA, have an S-ANON group to go to. I've only been to one meeting, but I know I can begin healing there.

Are you two separated? When are you going to file for D???

God Bless You~


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid, I'm not sure who you were posing the question to. If I was included in that query, then...No, we are not separated and never have been. My FWH is remorseful and was so from the beginning. He doing work towards his healing, his goal of staying clean from porn and masturbation.

My healing goes on. Yesterday I saw our IC/MC and had a really good session. I am trying to find my place at this time in the whole healing process and this guy is very helpful in guiding me towards that. I do not attend a S-anon group. There is none here, although there is Al-anon groups. However, our IC has another client who is an SA. My FWH and he have talked on the phone once. This other client's wife is really struggling. I lent my book Mending a Shattered Heart to the IC to give to this wife. He also wants to give her my phone number as he really believes she needs some support. So perhaps an S-Anon group is in the future!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid, we have been seperated since March. I filed the next day. In August we would have been together for 9 years. For most of those years he has struggled with this addiction. I honestly think he had a problem when we met but he managed to hide it or use me for his satisfaction.

God knows that you have tried as hard as you possibly could. There is only so much a person can take. I to got tired of the snooping and verifying. I want a husband that I can trust and not one that I have to constantly sneak around to make sure he is being faithful to me.

The way things were headed was also not good for the kids.

For me, when he started the false recovery and then lied to me and still cheated during our MC time, that was enough for me.

As each day goes by, I see him turning into a different person and I can't live with him any longer.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7Years...

I read mending a Shattered Heart & tons of others...:)

I think we all have to ask what WE want/need to know. Period. My H. did NOT expound on details of any of the ?'s above & beyond the basic facts...

My counselor IS a CSAT...:)AND, a recovering SA himself...this is ALL he does...been doing it for years. He allowed what I needed (& counseled that I didn't want the gritty DETAILS)...and my H. had the ?'s prior and we were ALL together as we went over them in a formal disclosure(& prayed before hand).

My counselor knew my H. had lied on the 1st disclosure...and I needed to know the categories & the Whole Truth now... IF the prostitutes were more than just paid workers, etc...AND the degree of STD/HIV risk (unprotected sex ?'s)...& also the CATEGORIES of the sexual addiction I was unaware of.

It was the BEST thing we ever did...

[This message edited by ScribblingMum at 3:19 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
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