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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: WS Questions for BS's
DeeplyRemorseful
♀ Member
Member # 32796
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, July 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by DeeplyRemorseful at 5:37 PM, July 18th (Monday)]


DD 10/09
WS 40/ME
BS 45/HIM
No children
Married gtb 11 years
Been together gtb 20 years
Greatful every moment of every day my husband is here, we're together as a unit giving reconciling our best. Giving my husband the best of
me for as l

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: DeeplyRemorseful
DeeplyRemorseful
♀ Member
Member # 32796
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mostlymine: ty again. I'm at work typing on my cell. I wanted to add the other ways he shows me he loves me. I became caught up at work. Yes, your H and mine sound similar. They show their love in other ways. I show my love for him not only by my actions, but I said it a lot. I stopped saying Ily a few months ago b/c, he said it was too much and that I knew, or should know where he stood with that. So I stopped saying ily. Only until recently, a couple weeks ago. I slide it in only occasionally. I mean occasionally. When I really like to say it, as you do. When they leave in the morn for work, ob the phone, in a txt even (just to let him know I'm thinking of him) and of course during/after love making. Sorry if that's TMI. Just sayin it like it is. I think I'll hear it again, on his time. I'm patient. I'm not pushing, no control here. I simply show it more now. I also read the love language, that to has given me insight towards this thought. H and I aren't always on the same language level, nor page. I'm trying. He speaks so much more intelligent than I. I'm learning. Just takes me a bit longer to think of things, words to match his or at least striving to remain at his level. Sorry to ramble. I truly want to do the right thing. Ove things for sure, I'm not leaving his side. Our Me is worth working out. It wasn't worth losing and having A's. Ya know?


DD 10/09
WS 40/ME
BS 45/HIM
No children
Married gtb 11 years
Been together gtb 20 years
Greatful every moment of every day my husband is here, we're together as a unit giving reconciling our best. Giving my husband the best of
me for as l

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: DeeplyRemorseful
betrayedmomof3
♀ Member
Member # 32093
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, July 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he's telling you hang in there, I'd think he's trying to feel secure enough to say those words again, and most likely feels love for you but is still in pain. Jmo


Together 12 yrs, married 6
Dday from Hell 2/6/11
3 kids under 5
I would do anything to have my family in one piece but I know its shattered...

Posts: 108 | Registered: May 2011 | From: betrayedmomof3
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am wondering if he will ever say [I love you] again to me.

From what I've seen of R, R-ing a relationship is much like building a new relationship. When you first start dating someone, you get to know them, and you gradually fall in love with them. Probably the first time you meet them, you can't imagine spending the rest of your life with them, because you hardly know them. As a BS, I feel as though I don't even know my WH anymore. I have no idea who that person is, because the person who I thought I knew, the person who I married, would have never acted the way my H acted.

So if we were to R, it would be a process of getting to know him all over again, almost from scratch. Except in some ways harder, because I'd have to be re-writing the bits that had hurt me, writing over them as it were. And the love would likely come, because you don't stop loving a person just like *that*, but it would still come slowly, gradually, the way it does in a new relationship (but minus that weird infatuation stage where you feel like you're fourteen again and the world is made of pink marshmallows, you know?)

I think it will take your BH time. I know that isn't easy to hear, but sometimes that's just what it needs, because that love needs to be nurtured (by both of you) until it grows to the point where your H is comfortable expressing it the way he used to. I think it's a normal, natural part of the R process. Right now he is choosing to love you, because he is committed to you, and that is a huge and wonderful that you can hang onto and be encouraged by!!


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13204 | Registered: Jul 2011
DeeplyRemorseful
♀ Member
Member # 32796
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, July 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Female WS here

I have a? Or ?? That I would appreciate a response from any male BS. I will refrain from detail here, due to the fact I would like to ask VERY detailed??? I ask this b/c, I need to be as detailed, explicit without being over the to explicit as possible regarding the sex I had with AP. I would like to better understand why my H/BS didn't believe why I didn't feel the entire time (3 days) having sex with the AP , wasn't the best sex I've ever had. Although I have come completely truthful in describing as best as I can recall what the sex was like. My H simply cannot grasp nor seems to want to believe my truth. I've read, only a small few female WS that felt the same as I. I would appreciate anyone responding or PM me if they have the stomach to listen, read what there is I have to describe in dirty disgusting detail. Anyone is welcome to respond. PM would probably be best in this case. This isn't something I'm proud of, nor is it pretty. Ty

[This message edited by DeeplyRemorseful at 8:55 AM, July 20th (Wednesday)]


DD 10/09
WS 40/ME
BS 45/HIM
No children
Married gtb 11 years
Been together gtb 20 years
Greatful every moment of every day my husband is here, we're together as a unit giving reconciling our best. Giving my husband the best of
me for as l

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: DeeplyRemorseful
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, July 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you avoid being intimate with your WS because you would still think about the OP? If you did avoid intimacy, did time make it easier to not think about the OP during those times?

Or

Was there anyone that still had the intimacy and just tried to not focus on those thoughts? Did the thoughts eventually lessen as time passed?

Both.

Interestingly, even though it bugs me that he might/might not have slept with someone else in the time we've been together (he's not being totally honest with me, but he's said twice now that he's cheated on me without admitting details), the mental movies I can't seem to get out of my head are those of his exes.

I've only met one of his exes, but he's described his others to me in great detail. He's told glowing stories of the times they've had sex, without me asking or even wanting to know.

Now that he says he's been cheating on me, the mental movies that come to mind are those of him with those other girls. He's never complimented me the way he's complimented them. Sometimes I avoid sex with him. But I really want it with him. I want him to make me feel as special as he implies he felt they were.

Not to mention that I'm scared if I don't have sex with him, often enough and exactly how he wants it, he'll continue to cheat on me and lie to me about it. And not communicate with me.

When I talk to my closer family members about it, they always say, "But he's with you, not them. He comes home to you (and our baby)." It's not comforting if I don't know whether or not the other girls are in his head.

One time right after we had sex, before I was even dressed, he started going on about all the good-looking girls he'd seen that day. And he hides his porn-watching from me. So I have little doubt that he DOESN'T picture me when we're having sex. That he prefers a position where my back is to him (where he can't see my face) doesn't do much to dispel the notion for me.

He's been talking about my best friend and running into her a lot lately. I hate being this paranoid. She and I have the same hair color, almost the same build. She's slightly taller than me. One time at a party, he mistook her for me from the back. I hate thinking that he's picturing her when he's with me.

So I'm in hell with the sex issue.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 1:09 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, July 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone is welcome to respond.

I'm not a guy, but I'm happy to listen if you need to talk to someone, and to give any feedback I'm able. Feel free to PM me if it would help.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13204 | Registered: Jul 2011
icbtih8
♀ Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DR,

I'm not a guy but my thinking would be "well, if it wasnt the best, why did it take 3 days" or "if it was just mediocre sex, then you basically threw away the M for nothing".

I don't know your story but my WH's left me feeling extremely insecure about my sexual abilities. One of the recurring thoughts is "well, if I was good enough at sex, then the WS wouldnt have cheated" and "it's obvious the OP is better because the WS went back for more".

I know the OW was better because WH is the only man I've slept with and OW has quite a few notches on her belt. I would never believe that sex with the OW was not the best he's ever had.


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
LuvingMe
♀ Member
Member # 28829
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have flat out refused and coached myself not to say 'I love you' to my WH. He betrayed me. So I don't. But that is just me, I will never let him all in


I can't even walk without you (Jesus) holding my hand.


Posts: 749 | Registered: Jun 2010
SoLost&Confused
♀ Member
Member # 31092
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, July 25th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deeplyremorseful ~ the ILY one is a tough one. I know that I rarely (1-2 times, probably) have initiated saying it to my H since I discovered his A. The words themselves are just too loaded for me to initiate, though I love him dearly. I think that I still feel too vulnerable to put myself and my feelings out there with those specific words. I'll respond when he says it, and am happy and grateful when he does, but initiate? Nope, still too scary. I did tell him once that I have a hard time saying the words, but that I do love him, just the words are hard, and that it doesn't mean I don't love him just because I don't initiate saying ILY. I don't know if you two have talked about that, but I think it helped.

Did you (and does your BH know about it) exchange ILYs with the AP? If so, ILY can take on a new, different, and not at all pleasant association. My H's AP told him she loved him, and I assume he told her the same (I read her text to him that said ILY, his didn't happen to include it... that time). At first, I couldn't even respond when he said ILY to me, even at the end of a phone call, the words were tainted, yet meaningless at the same time. I've thought about coming up with a new phrase with my H that means ILY, but isn't at all tainted, and is our own creation that has specific meaning only to us. I haven't brought it up with him (timing/opportunity hasn't been right), but I do plan to. I wonder if that would have any appeal to your BH and to you? I think it has the potential to be less loaded, yet more meaningful. Just a thought.


Me: BW (33)
Him: WH (36)
2 young kids

Posts: 158 | Registered: Feb 2011
whyme8
♀ Member
Member # 35156
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, April 26th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does my WH get so angry when i try to askvquestions for my own healing about the EA? We have been separated for overva month and while i know he hasnt been texting her, i dont know ifvshe has been ringing his cellphone or going to his place of business. The phone records i have access to do not show received calls or details of local calls either. Has he taken the affair underground and is this why hes so angry because im on to him?
And
Am i pushing him more toward her by continually talking about it?
I know they cant be together as a couple because she is gang associated with a very dangerous partner who is in jail and knows nothing. All help and advice would be appreciated


BW Me 39
WH Him 38
Together 22 years, married 2
4 kids: 2DD's 17 and 14, 2 DS's 9 and 8
years of unconfirmed PA's, Nov 11 ONS X2, Dec - now 3 month EA texts and phone calls.
I busted you idiot - I shoulda been a PI. Now get the hel

Posts: 59 | Registered: Mar 2012
js_girl
♀ Member
Member # 34797
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, April 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the WS recently added a tread in Wayward Side for SAs, and there's a thread in I Can Relate for *Spouses* of Bipolars...but, as a BS, I often wonder what's gone on in the head of my BPWH. I'm wondering, if there are any BP WSs on here that would be be willing to begin a thread in Wayward Side?


Me: BW, 34
Him: WH, 32
2 beautiful baby boys
DDay 1: 2/8/12
TT til DDay 2: 3/3/12
Status: R as of 5/6/12
WRONG: FALSE R

Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012
WishingForLethe
♀ Member
Member # 34805
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am unsure how to act with my BH now. He does not appreciate uninvited touch anymore. For awhile I kept assuring him how much I loved him and how much I was willing to fight for him- it just seemed to annoy him and make him more angry and distant. he only seemed to relax when I backed off.

What he says now is he does not see any positive outcome for us, but is "not ready to leave."

Does want me to sleep in the same bed although (TMI warning) rarely wants to be intimate.

I want my M so much. But I want what is best for him and his healing more.

My question is- how long does limbo last for the average BS? I am not talking about the 2-5 year healing period. I would happily spend 10 years helping him heal. I am not complaining- I just feel lost and dont know how to help anymore.


Don't look at how far you have to go, but how far you have come

Posts: 350 | Registered: Feb 2012
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 12:58 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whyme8...

This thread is for WS's to ask questions of BS's.

Please re-post your question on the BS Questions for WS's thread.

Thank you


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192147 | Registered: May 2002
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WfL:

It was easily 3 years before I committed to R.

I tend to believe that there's very little a WS can do to make things better (but a TON they can do to make it worse), no matter how hard they try or how honest their effort.

The BS has to take charge of their own healing and be willing to do whatever it takes to get better. No one else can do it for you.

Note: That shouldn't be taken as an opinion that your husband isn't trying to heal or otherwise not pulling his weight. There are no instant results, and he has to find what works for him.

The biggest problem I see with this dynamic is that WS's tend to start asking themselves, "When is it going to get better? When are they going to stop hurting?" Because very often, you don't see the BS's inner struggle, and frankly, the BS doesn't consider the WS to be a safe place to communicate those struggles. That's throwing good money after bad.

You have to trust him to work out his own process and find the answers he needs. You can't do it for him, and he's strong enough to do it himself.

It's not an easy road for anyone.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
TodayisMine
♀ Member
Member # 29740
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((wishing)))

Ditto what wincing said.

There is not one aspect of my life, thoughts, or emotions that my H affair did not touch. A betrayed's healing process differs from the wayward because is not just about the marriage or unfaithful partner. For me, nothing was safe. What I thought and felt about literally everything unravelled and had to be reconsidered.

Less about you, we no longer trust ourselves. Intimacy is a hard one because at most it makes us vulnerable and at the very least it opens us up to expectations.

It is a process and he has to do this part on his own. What you can do is be consistent and undemanding. Be the wife you wish you would have been and would be if infidelity wasn't defining your relationship. Doing so can help show him that it was a seriously poor choice and laspe of judgement, but not a definition of your character or feelings for him and your relationship.

It took me a long time to see his betrayal really was something my H did - that it could be something that happend and not a monster or failing inside him or myself to be feared - not who he was or what we are.

He showed that to me by pointing out what and where his failings came in to play and becoming a better man. He walked the walk so to speak that his actions were consistent with his words. He had to do this for himself and trust me to make my own decision if he was the right partner for me.

Sometimes you have to let go and trust the process. Always be open to communication, but understand some things we have to go through on our own.


Either we are trustworthy or we are not. As Tom Peters said, "There is no such thing as a minor lapse of integrity."

Posts: 66 | Registered: Sep 2010
threw it away
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Member # 34727
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband and I have been separated since December. We have corresponded, but not physically seen each other since then. I desperately want a chance to restore our marriage, but I place his happiness above it. I do want him to heal and find happiness once again, even if I can have no place in his life any more. It is very hard for me to decide on what to do now.

I've now written out the histories, the timelines, all my feelings during my affairs, everything. I have included much that I have discovered about myself. I want so badly to say to him: there is so much I can tell and show you now, please let me show you that you will someday not regret loving me, I can and will become the wife you deserve.

But I don't know if he wants to read anything I've written, or hear from me at all. If anyone were to ask him, I am sure that he would say that he wants to forget me as soon as he can. I hope that in his inner heart, he still has feelings for me, but there is no way to approach him without risking that I will hurt him more than has already happened. Which path is the least selfish, the best for him, regardless of what I want? I still have no idea.

[This message edited by threw it away at 12:16 AM, May 5th (Saturday)]


me: ww/34
him: 33, has initiated divorce
married 8 years, together for ten
kids 7 and 4

dday 1 - 12/17/2011
dday 2 - 1/26/2012 (my past multiple affairs revealed)


Posts: 112 | Registered: Feb 2012
imagrownup
♀ Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a Bs, I have spent nearly two years trying to feel safe with my WS. I have had horrible times. Truly the only thing that has worked is my WS's relentless continuous, never waving committment to being the man I deserve to be married too. He doesn't stop. We were seperated - we were put through continuous attempts by the AP to contact us. He has seen me cry- he has listened non stop to me ranting- he has been there when I was upset- he has agreed to more MC. He has answered the same questions over and over and over and over again.
Slowly, and I mean slowly, I have begun to trust him.
He hasn't went out with his friends in 2 years except one time and he sent constant pictures of him and his friends and where he is at. He calls me all day long-if he is going into a meeting- he let's me know - that was his favorite excuse to see her in past - you won't be able to get me I am in a meeting all afternoon. He makes ways to make sure I know he truly was in a meeting - like sending me emails of the reminders to be there from co-workers. He has turned down business trips.
All and all his life must suck. He is completely driven to make me feel comfortable-I still have problems. I may for years to come - I am not sure.
However, all this after all this, each and every day I feel the tiniest bit better. Some days not much, but I feel just a tiny tiny bit more secure. As I look back to what I was just a year ago, I have made huge strides. Really he got me there.
I guess my best advice is never waver - tell him it is ok not to want to sleep with you- you will wait. Tell him it is ok that you don't want to see you - you will wait. Send cards apologize unwaveringly, never stop. Make him see you will be the person he deserved all along. Don't give up even when you feel like it.
My Ws gets really frustrated. I see it - he kind of pulls back and then I see him pulling from within and gives me everything I need all over again. 2 years is a long time to keep doing the hard things he does - but he does.
When I say to him- your life really sucks- why bother anymore- he says no my life would suck without you. I live for the great moments in between. Don't waver stay strong.
Someone fighting for you is a tough tough person to ignore. It makes your heart glow. I can't ignore what he is doing. No one has ever fought for me like this.
He never wavers- he does all this without me asking. His job has struggled he has gotten behind- I feel it is because of me. But he takes all this on as a new life and doesn't complain.
When you feel it is over - you can't do it anymore - keep doing everything and anything you can.


Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
LostnFound412
♂ New Member
Member # 33905
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((threw it away))
I can relate very well from the other side of the question. I would have listened to anything she had to say for a very long time, but not any longer. I forgave her many years ago for cheating while I was overseas with several people. Years later the cheating began again and I started seeing the signs but I really didn't want to believe them. About 1 year ago she confessed with a long list of names and I still don't think they were all there just the ones I knew about or had a very good idea about. Even at that time I would still have considered staying and working on things (this time with a much better idea of what was needed to have success - she has several mood and personality disorders and it would take true remorse which never happened, admitting she was at fault which really never happened and very good counseling which still is not happening) so I moved on. The question is whether or not your BS hit a point where he has made a decision that it is to late. The year between your first Dday and your 2nd Dday may have been to long and he may have made a final decision. Have you truely shown the things I mentioned (actions mean so much more than words) and have you truely asked him if it is to late or if there is anyway you can prove to him you want to make it work. Don't let him use you in order to prove it to him and make sure you are really ready to do everything needed to make it work if he says yes (and when I say everything I am refering to the postiives - full disclosure, no secrets, passwords, timelines, complete honesty). He is still around so that may still mean the door may be open to R. Every BS has a different level of forgiveness and a different level of self preservation. Once you ask either work your behind off to make it successful or respect his decision even if it is not what you were hoping for. If it is the later you can always say the door will be left open is there is a change of heart. Best wishes.


Me - 45 and moving on
Her - 40 and still doing what she does best
SS - 15 and struggling with her actions but making progress being with me

Posts: 13 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: PA
threw it away
♀ Member
Member # 34727
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was a few weeks between the two d-days, not a year. But that makes no difference, deception is deception.

The question still remains: what do I have "the right" to do? There are so many things I would say and do, but he seems to be moving forward now, finding serenity and forgetting me, and do I have the right to disturb that, perhaps introduce doubts where he currently has none?


me: ww/34
him: 33, has initiated divorce
married 8 years, together for ten
kids 7 and 4

dday 1 - 12/17/2011
dday 2 - 1/26/2012 (my past multiple affairs revealed)


Posts: 112 | Registered: Feb 2012
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