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User Topic: WS Questions for BS's
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Littlegirllost - reverence. that was beautiful. i may share that with WH. i'm not sure if he'll get it, but whatever. thank you for defining the difference so well.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for BHs who did NOT reconcile (this includes those who are still married but do not consider themselves in R):

- how long after S/D did your feelings for your WW/exWW turn to indifference?

- how do you view your WW/exWW since learning of the affair? Does the knowledge of the affair color every thought/feeling/memory of her, or do you ever consider the so-called "good times"?


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1912 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
romanticidiot
♂ Member
Member # 28655
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, June 4th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbroken,

I'm still new at this -- just found out although I've "known" in my gut for a while -- but I'll take a stab at your questions.

how long after S/D did your feelings for your WW/exWW turn to indifference?

We've been separated for a year (but living like boyfriend-girlfriend with frequent meals, dates, intimacy) but I just found out about the affair. I didn't realize that it was a factor in her leaving... dumbass, right! Now that I've found out, indifference is happening very quickly. I still hurt but it's subsiding each day. I just don't care which way things go.

how do you view your WW/exWW since learning of the affair? Does the knowledge of the affair color every thought/feeling/memory of her, or do you ever consider the so-called "good times"?

I see her as totally pathetic and pity her. I still love her and always will in some way, but there is no way in HELL I'm reconciling if she refuses to address and deal with her considerable issues, and I don't see her doing that. It's sad.

The knowledge of the affair mainly makes me feel sick to my stomach. The guy is as broken as she and I know they did disgusting things together. He used her. I think they think they love each other, but there is no way that's true. She loves me. She's infatuated with him, which is weird because he's a total scumbag who used her as his personal cumbucket and ego stroker.

I haven't forgotten the good times. She's a good woman at her core. Mainly I just feel sorry for her, especially if she decides to D rather than face herself.


"When you're going through Hell, keep going." -Churchill

Posts: 720 | Registered: May 2010
WayCoolJr
♂ Member
Member # 25331
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 4th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbroken,

how do you view your WW/exWW since learning of the affair? Does the knowledge of the affair color every thought/feeling/memory of her, or do you ever consider the so-called "good times"?

Yes for me the so-called "good times" were greatly tainted. There were several times and things that were so special to me over the last four years that are now almost meaningless (this might change the further out I get). But knowing all of those things happened AFTER she totally checked out of the M kills them for me. Simple things from movies that were "ours" that got shared with the OM, to our only real family vacation, etc.

Plus not knowing how many of our 15 years together she wanted out. The thought does cross my mind that is was all a mistake for her, maybe for her she really did marry the wrong man.

how long after S/D did your feelings for your WW/exWW turn to indifference?

I guess I started to get indifferent while we were still together after the A. After 5 months of false R and continued contact, etc. I was cooked. Was waiting for that lightning bolt to strike her and make her realize she wanted to really work and fight to see if our M could be saved.

It was everything that happened after the A that shut me down and made me want to S/D. We have been officially S for about a month now. And her deciding to see OM again is what has been my final straw. In order for us to even find out if our M could work WW had to chose me over OM every time, and it didn't happen.

I guess the best way to put it is this: each time she kept something hidden from me, lied to me or avoided answering questions I became more distant. After a year and and escalation in the hiding, lying, etc. I'm almost 100% there.

I can say right now I want nothing more than for her to come back and throw herself 150% into the M. But I know that will never happen now.

So maybe its not total indifference, but a good level of acceptance.


BS-me-40
SWW-40 (2 year EA/10 Month PA)
Married 16 years
Daughter 7

D-Day 5/5/09
R - guess we never really tried. Never got full NC. WW has moved out and wants to see if it can work with OM.


Posts: 78 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Midwest, USA
WhyAmILikeThis??
♀ New Member
Member # 28887
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, June 27th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying to find some ideas to give my BS so he can be secure in knowing I am not doing anything now. I am looking for for some ideas to ease his mind. I have already suggested a keylogger program for the computer. He has complete access to my phone and phone bills. I also suggested GPS to him for the car. I am not looking for any ideas on how I can find out if he is investigating me? I just want to help ease his mind at all possible to help us through the R.


me WS 33
BH 32
D-day 6-4-10
2 D-day complete honesty 6-13-10

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2010
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, June 27th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WhyAmILikeThis, Welcome to SI.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do for your BS is to start showing him you want to become a better person. Let him know how ashamed you are for the destructive choices you made and want to understand better why you did what you did.

Then you follow it up with actions; start seeing an IC, start reading books on infidelity and improving your marriage, etc.

A good place to get started is "The Healing Library" right here on SI (Yellow Box Upper Left Corner). There are many good articles there.

A good article to get you started is call, "What the WS/BS Must Do To Reconcile"
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/reconcile_musts.asp

Print the article out and show it to your BS. Let him know how much he means and you will do whatever it takes to make things right.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5613 | Registered: Aug 2007
mepe27
♀ Member
Member # 18158
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To whyamilikethis??
for me, just the offers you have made were a great help in and of itself, it showed he was anxious to prove he was honest, so thats a great start.
It's also important, imo, to listen and be comforting if the BS is freaking out about something, triggering. Often times once you figure out what the trigger is you can come up with ways to help ease that issue.

For example, whenever my H had to work late, i'd trigger, I couldn't explain it b/c working late didn't really have anything to do with the A, but I'd have a panic attack anyway, imagining he was using this as an excuse to talk or meet someone. We never talked about it really (b/c I hadn't put it all together yet ) but the next time he worked late he called me on his work phone (not his cell like he normally does ) and he talked to me for a bit then he asked if I'd like to be on speaker while he finished up, I did, I sat there an listened to him type and then when he finished he called me from his cell and talked to me the whole way home. I really felt reassured even though we never actually talked about my trigger or the A. So listen and watch and offer suggestions of ways to help. Being open to helping even if it seems weird or crazy to you, helps us feel more reassured and valued.


Me BW-39
H WH-41
Married for 10 years
Two boys 6yrs, 3yrs
D-Day 12/1/07
Got whole painful truth 2/2/08
5/15/2008 EA with co-worker, I left
6/1/08 - We are committing to R
"One falsehood destroys a thousand truths"

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Georgia
jrsdad
♂ New Member
Member # 28872
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, July 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WhyamIlikethis:

I never got a chance to R. My WW left and never came back. But if we were to reconcile. I wouldn't want to stick a GPS on her car or check her phone. It is belittling and requires him to check on you. I would want my W to be transparent and available. If she goes somewhere call me,"Hey if you need me I am going ________." I would want my W to treat me normally, when she loved me. Asking me to have lunch. Doing a lot of stuff together. I don't need to check her phone if she is with me a lot. If she is connecting with me daily. He's your husband not "big brother".


Me-BH 38 Her-XW 34
Married 7 years/Together 12
D-Day:6-4-2008 Divorced-11-14-2008
"Refrain your voice from weeping, And your eyes from tears; For your work shall be rewarded, says the Lord, And they shall return from the land of the enemy."

Posts: 43 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Washington
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi whyamilikethis,

there is a really good thread in the JFO forum that you might find useful.... now it is JFO so dont be going posting on anything.... and id caution you about reading other threads in there too... but this guide is particularly good and will i think answer a lot of your questions.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=362005

I would also like to add that you should think long and hard about how your appologising... make it genuine, a simple 'Im so sorry' means jack... in each appology pick out one specific hurt appologise for it, show him that youve really understood the full impact of your actions...

But ultimately it takes two to R... you can be the most remorseful WS on the planet, do everything by the book (the remorsefull WS book...not the 'other' one) and if he is unable to deal with it the R will fail.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whyamilike this.. for tracking my WW since she conducted her affair normally during lunches..
We've looked at GPS applications for her smartphone. Basically I'd know where her phone is (more important than the car), and if I call, she better answer so she can't just leave it behind somewhere.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
hopefulwife1985
♀ Member
Member # 29216
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, September 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've hunted around the site and if there is a thread on this question already, sorry....

Is there an answer to the "Why did you have an A?" question that is helpful to a BS?

I know that any answer which carries a whiff of blame shifting is not helpful.

Did anyone ever get an answer where they thought, "OK, now I get it. I understand why."

This is one of the few questions my BH has asked, but he's asked it several times. I say the A was 100% my responsibility, that I failed to protect my boundaries, and that I'm working on that. Then he asks again and I repeat that answer.

I've about decided there really isn't an answer that will satisfy him because there really isn't an answer.


Posts: 124 | Registered: Aug 2010
kdny
♀ Member
Member # 760
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, September 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure the answer to that question is as individual as each person and each marriage.

Sometimes we ask "why" and we know there is no answer that will ever explain it.

Sometimes we really want to know if our WS has explored what it was within themselves that allowed them to make that choice.

So, the question you need to find out what it is that your BS is really asking.


Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes the fine line between a nervous breakdown and knowing things will be okay is a pair of furry pants~unfound

Posts: 81335 | Registered: Dec 2002 | From: Slightly left of center, standing on my head
starsfadingaway
♀ Member
Member # 28458
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, September 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi hopefulwife1985,

I am a WS, so not sure if this is what you are looking for as it is a question posed from the WS perspective but has some replies from BS also.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=226407&AP=1

if the link doesn't work it is currently on page 17 of the Wayward forum.

Goodluck.


Me (33) - WS
Him (33) - BS (Lotsa)
Together 13 years
"What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly" Lao Tsu
I wish for you that butterfly and I hope that I can be the flower you land on....

Posts: 86 | Registered: May 2010
icbtih8
♀ Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did anyone ever get an answer where they thought, "OK, now I get it. I understand why."

sigh...no. for every reason anyone can come up with, i can identify a person with that justification that has never had an A. i just resign myself to not getting it. it happened for whatever reason. there is nothing logical that will make me say "i see".

Then he asks again and I repeat that answer.

it may be that he wants to know if your answers change to see if you've identified more reasons or deeper reasons. it could also mean that regardless of what you told him, it didn't quite register so he needs to hear it again. he could have also said it rhetorically, not really expecting an answer from you.

I've about decided there really isn't an answer that will satisfy him because there really isn't an answer.

i think there always is an answer. perhaps not one that we BS's understand, but there certainly *has* to be an answer. i'm at the point where i know i don't need to understand his reason, just as long as he knows it and is working to fix it, i'm good.

[This message edited by icbtih8 at 9:14 AM, September 13th (Monday)]


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
MelisssaZZZ
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Member # 25953
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hopefulwife1985

Is there an answer to the "Why did you have an A?" question that is helpful to a BS?

what would help me is that very honest answer.. and it has something to do with boundaries but that is not it.. its looking into yourself and asking why did i feel entitled to have the affair.. what drove me to it? the answer is with you.. there might be catalysts in your relationship but the real answer lies within you. its similar for many, but individual..

after this question is really answered the next question is what to do so i am not vulnerable to the A again.. from what i gather it is v hard question and you probably need IC to get to the bottom of those 2..

I've about decided there really isn't an answer that will satisfy him because there really isn't an answer.

there is an answer you and him might not like it.. like why did you have bad boundaries at that point in time? its a lot of why questions to be asked to yourself.. and remember its because you want to find the answer for you - that is important thing... otherwise there is always the risk of history repeating itself..

do you have IC helping you to get to the answers?


Me BS - 37
WH 39
1 child - 4yrs
married 5 yrs, together 7
DD1 midmarch 09
DD2 early june 09
some more DD's of course - cannot bother to list
LTA (2 yrs) fully?? finished mid Aug 09
Status: Divorced Oct 2011

Posts: 1199 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: London, UK
JustWantHimBack
♀ Member
Member # 29485
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, just some questions that maybe can give me some insight on my current situation.

Did you avoid being intimate with your WS because you would still think about the OP? If you did avoid intimacy, did time make it easier to not think about the OP during those times?

Or

Was there anyone that still had the intimacy and just tried to not focus on those thoughts? Did the thoughts eventually lessen as time passed?

I guess I'll explain my situation. After a little over a month of not being fully intimate me and my BBF finally were yesterday. He said that he was hoping that he wouldn't have thought about the OM but told me a little while afterward that the thought of him still lingers. I'm not sure what kinda of reassurance or advice I should give him.


Me(WGF/BGF)- 24, Him(XBBF/XWBF) -26
D-Day#1 - April 7, 2010. Full Disclosure - May 27, 2010. My D-day - October 10, 2010
He had a EA/PA August-whenever.
He's now moved on to someone new. Still giving me mixed signals. Sigh.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New York
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hopefulwife1985

I say the A was 100% my responsibility, that I failed to protect my boundaries, and that I'm working on that.

I think your BH already understands that you failed to protect your boundaries. Seems to me what he really wants to know is why you stepped over those bounderies when your suppose to love him. He probably feels like he wouldn't step over those boundaries because he loves you, so he probably wants to know why you gave yourself the right to do so. And, everyone is right that there is always a "why", but that's up to you to figure out because everyone's "why" is different. Good luck, hope that helps.

[This message edited by nothereorthere at 7:37 PM, September 24th (Friday)]


Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JustWantHimBack

Did you avoid being intimate with your WS because you would still think about the OP?

Yes, there were times I did in the beginning. It's very difficult to be intimate with someone that has cheated on you without it making you wonder what intimacies was shared with the OP. It pops mind images in your head no matter how hard you try not to let it.

Did the thoughts eventually lessen as time passed?

I believe it's not time passing that makes it easier, but the work you put into it to help your BBF to deal with it.

I'm not sure what kinda of reassurance or advice I should give him.

I feel one of the thoughts that is worse when being intimate is wondering if my FWH is thinking of the OP, or is 100% focused on us. Reassuring your BBF that the OP is not in your head or heart during intimacy when your BBF gets upset will help over time, if you are consistant. Eventually your BBF will feel you mean it sincerely if you make a real attempt each and everytime the reassurance is needed. It's been five years for us and sometimes it still hits me when we're being intimate, but it dosen't linger and it dosen't have the same effect on me anymore.

[This message edited by nothereorthere at 8:00 PM, September 24th (Friday)]


Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
manAscending
♂ Member
Member # 26919
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, October 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS = Wayward Spouse
BS = Betrayed Spouse

fWS = Former Wayward Spouse
fBS = ?

There's a thread down in NB titled "Would you date a former WS?" and it make me ask myself if, as a WS, I would date a former BS. Then I realised that I've rarely (if ever) seen any BS on this site use the acronym fBS.

I was wondering, if you are a BS, have you or do you use the letter 'f' to designate that something about you has changed since being betrayed? I don't recall seeing the fBS acronym used much around this site.

Being betrayed is not something that you chose, it was something that happened to you. Is the hurt a more permanent type of hurt, in that once you're a BS, you're always a BS? Would using the term fBS signify the move from a victim stance to a more proactive stance? Sorry, I'm not being very articulate here, but perhaps you understand what I'm trying to ask.


Posts: 1648 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Ontario
icbtih8
♀ Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, October 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

manAscending,

I would not use the acronym fBS because the word "Betrayed" is already in past tense.

the only way i could see calling myself a "former betrayed spouse" is if i'm no longer married (as in former spouse that happens to have been betrayed). but even then, i feel that the experience of being betrayed is so profound that i will always carry it with me; sort of "my cross to bear." i will never trust another human being 100% with my heart ever again. and maybe that is a good thing. instead of simply trusting people, people will now have to earn my trust. much less fairytail-y.


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


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