[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:50 PM, April 28th (Wednesday)]
For BSs: how many of you have ever been tempted to cheat (before you knew of your spouse's affair)? If you were, what stopped you? Was it the respect & love for your spouse, refusal to violate your own personal code of morals, or something else?
Yes, a friend of my WH pursued me rather persistently at one point in time. I was VERY tempted; This man is someone I considered leaving my WH for when WH and I were dating. I think at the end of the day, the reason I didn't would be a combination of a *lack* of respect for the man pursuing me (a bigger factor) and also respect for and love for my husband and for his wife (a lesser reason) and respect for myself (a bigger factor.)
I actually had to go to extraoridinary lengths to deter this guy and finally I had to involve his wife to get him to back off -- I was afraid if I didn't I'd eventually rationalize my way into an A.
Very close! Unbeknowst to me WH was already gone from our M when someone I kinda knew kept 'coming on' to me every time our paths crossed. We happened to be at an out of town function and he invited me back to his hotel. I considered it, very seriously. Then I thought 'what are you doing'?! Just because you don't have the best M in the world this is no way to solve problems. I actually started shaking and praying. I also looked deep in my heart and thought I cannot do this to someone I took vows with. I will be honest, after I found out about WH's A I regretted my decision to say NO. That's how messed up I was. Do I think about an RA now? Yes. More than I should. But w/me it's all fantasy. As much as I am beginning to loath my WH for what he's done (and the truth be told I think continues to do) I just am not made for an A. I need to find my own happiness and peace within myself. Not by some flattering stranger.
I also try (esp. now, and encourage WS to do the same) to be vocal about my temptations and tell WS if I am feeling attracted or feeling a "spark". Yes, it's uncomfy for us both but much better than the alternative! I have definitely found that verbalizing it takes a lot of the "appeal" out of the interesting other person, because it removes the delicious secrecy.
I am very cautious because I understand how these things start, even before the A and D-Day, just from life experience, so whenever I found myself having thoughts about someone that I wouldn't want to share with WS, and that person was in contact with me in some way, I stepped back. Way back.
WS has none of the life experience or relationship experience that I do, however. Not to excuse her but she just doesn't. It was much easier for her to believe her EA was "just" a friendship at first, though I saw it as a danger all along. She's really naive about people in some ways, and too trusting.
Anyway, I was cheated on with my first marriage, probably another factor in what kept my perspective for me. I'd BTDT and couldn't put another person through it.
[This message edited by undestructable at 12:26 AM, May 3rd (Monday)]
“...cuz i got tossed out the window of love's El Camino
and i shattered into a shower of sparks on the curb.." Ani DiFranco
What doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
Many opportunities had been there for me, but for many reasons I didnot take advantage. First I take my vows very seriously, I made a commitment to my family, friends and God and I made a promise to my WW to love, honor and obey in sickness and health.
The other reasons were, Honor and integrity and the respect for my wife and son were place far ahead of anything I wanted, everything I ever did was with both of them in mind.
Just prior to getting married my WW and I said to each other if at anytime we met someone else we would ask the other for a Divorce before doing anything physical and if the other found someone else we would part as friends just like we started out.
Unfortunately I was the only one who had the respect and honor to not cheat. This is what hurts the most, our personal promise and vows made in front of everyone meant nothing to WW. Worse she did not care what damage she would cause to my son and I.
I hope this helps answer your question.
We are currently separated and I have still not even kissed another woman and will not until the divorce goes through. I guess I am just not wired the same as some others, the vows even after all of this crap still means something to me.
BS (me) 47
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved
My stbxwh surprised me with flowers one day in my office and he walked in on us chatting. He saw the connection immediately and was desperatly jealous. I assured him that I would not have bothered getting married if I was interested in pursuing other men.
Then I was very clear with co worker (I was actually his boss, so VERY clear) and that was that. Coincidentally, at the same time hsi future AP (POS MOW "friend) was blatantly grabbing my h's ass and asking me if he had a big pecker in public.
My H did not think this was inappropriate.
Am I more moral? NO.
Am I a better person? NO.
But, I did get married and understood what it meant, that it would be hard sometimes and that he was my one and only.
I also have always been very self assured, and known what I wanted and what I could handle from life. I also don't value sex above people I love. It a nut shell, I love myself, but it's not all about me.
But I have never been tempted to cheat. Not once.
My first husband cheated on me several times (7 times in less than 2 years).
I decided then (at the ripe old age of 20) that I would never hurt another person that way.
Add that to my religious beliefs ... and no, I've never even been tempted to cheat.
I felt so bad over just a little groping and kissing that I could NEVER stomach an affair. I'll admit in my marriage we were drifting apart and I thought about divorce but never once did I think about cheating on him.
I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.
My BW and I have both had good friendships with members of the opposite sex. Both of us recognized that some of those friendships could put us on a slippery slope and we have both had the opportunity to have an A (I had one, she didn't). Now that we are in R, we have talked about this openly, those relationships/friendships that stroked our ego's or had teh potential to be a slippery slope. Prior to my A, we didn't talk about these things. I think we held onto these things because they made us feel good. Isn't that something that each partner in a committed relationship has the right to know about?
Just curious of others thoughts on this, not so much the actual answers to any of the questions.
As for telling him at the time - no I did not (probably should have told about temptation). My rational was - i decided against it - so there really was not potential for A. And as he already had all these low self esteem issues, insecurities etc it would not do any good. Little I knew that he was already in the A...
[This message edited by MelisssaZZZ at 8:48 AM, May 4th (Tuesday)]
was there a moment that you were flattered? when your ego was stroked?
If you keep that secret from your WS, doesn't that present a problem in the M or in R?
[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 9:03 AM, May 4th (Tuesday)]
Married 2.5 years
Reconciling after divorce
My husband and I have been together since we were 18. There have been times when both of us have had someone outside interested . We always talked about this, so I thought . I would tell him if someone hit on me and we would laugh about it .
In hindsight, the one person that H did not tell me about was OW. I now know that is because that one was just too close to home and he knew from the beginning that there was a real opportunity with her. I did not know of her ever until Dday .
Elected Voting Vixen
no, I've never felt flatterred. When guys would come on strong, I felt repulsed by it. I guess I took it as if they thought I was easy or something. But then again, relationship or not, I've always been repulsed by that type of behavior. And I don't just mean the "dirty old men whistling" types. Even the ones that were more "discrete" I would be turned off by them.
As far as if I told my WH about these interactions, I never told him specifically "I got hit on today" but we did generally talked about these things and I did tell him when he asked if I was hit on. I guess I just took it as shit that happens in everyday life that he knows happens but never has to worry about.
As far as the "almost EA" with a coworker - I'm not really sure what to call it - there was no flattery involved - unless you take being seen as competition as flattery. I did tell my WH about our interactions - "coworker passed the CPA", "coworker went on a cruise with his wife through Europe, said it was fun. We should look into doing something like that", etc - but I never told him about the point where I felt I was looking down the slippery slope. By then he was in the midst of his As and our communication was barely existent. Add to that my own foo issues - growing up I never felt heard, never felt that what I had to say was important thus never felt the need to communicate, especially when I felt WH "refused" to hear me out - and well I didn't tell him about it.
Post dday, I realized how wrong I was to not tell him anything then, regardless if he was cheating. I did tell him about it post dday. I wonder where we would have been if I had told him then. Could we have then opened the lines of communication which would have led to him confessing? Would he have used this information ad rationalization that his behavior was justified?
ETA: thinking about it, there was flattery. I did feel I was "listened to" by the cw.
[This message edited by icbtih8 at 11:48 AM, May 4th (Tuesday)]
Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue
Oh I have had many many times where if I would of given the signal it is okay to hit on me. Hence bat my eyes a bit more reach over and touch the persons hand laugh stand a little tooo close etc etc. Or Stroke the other persons ego. I strongly believe it is all in how you handle yourself and the body signals you as a person send off as to how far the hit will go. There are the few OP that you just have to say look I am married I don't like being spoke to in that manner it is offending me as a married person. They usually back off quickly and respect you for saying it.
Now I never ran and told my husband such and such hit on me. I took care of the situation. I have never never spoke of my personal life to those people either. Again I believe that is opening up the I am available door. Or I need someone to talk to I am available if we connect emotionally type. Not.
I believe there are some of us like myself I hold my marriage vows dear to my heart. If I would ever ever cheat on my marriage it would be an exist affair. I don't think I am capable of such an act but I never thought my spouse was either.
We are human we all can make errors mistakes bad judgements. We are suppose to learn from them and not repeat them.
I will not run to my spouse and say such and such hit on me unless I can not back that person away from me. Then when I need him to let the person know their advances are not welcome.
I'm sort of in the camp of icbtih8 in wondering if my BW and I would have been more open or recognized those times when our ego's were stroked by some source outside of our M, if we would have talked about things more, would I have been less likely to have an EA? Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to blameshift here.
So what makes it taboo for those who don't talk about this? If we get hit on or recognize that there is a potential A situation developing, would talking about it with our spouses help to make the M stronger? would it help each other to know that our spouses love us enough to be that open and honest with us? to let us know that they want that attention from us, not from others?
Just typing now...but the above situation is still about getting external validation and what do you do with that? Why do we feel good when others flatter us? Why do we keep it secret? What can a person do to not be so drawn into that realm?
But as I said my H never complimented me. His mom would say how nice I looked, or tell me how amazed her friends were seeing me dressed u p and asked why I don't do so more often, hell his uncle would compliment me. Never my H.
So while it was flattering there were times I would flat say "I am married" or "I'm here with my husband." to guys and they would leave it at that. I would have LOVED if the H had been the one to compliment me. I would have loved for him to open up to me.