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User Topic: WS Questions for BS's
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Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbroken: I will acknowledge now that my H & I had been drifting apart for years - but I was just too busy with our family, work, etc. to notice - or- I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. But, I wasn't really unhappy in our marriage until about 6 months before DDay & about 1 year into my H's affair. During that period of time, a man that I considered to be a friend - not a good friend - but the kind of friend that I've always had a fun, flirty kind of relationship with - asked me out to lunch. I wondered what his intentions were as others seemed to think he was interested in more than a friendship. Anyway - I got kind of panicky before our lunch about what I would do if he was looking to go beyond friendship and I have to say - I thought how it felt nice to be wanted by someone, but I knew that no one could replace my husband. Despite our problems, I felt like no one could know me on the level that my husband did and still love me the way my husband did. I told this to my husband after DDay and he said "You're a better person than me".
I don't know about that - well.... maybe on the issue of commitment I'm better than but I am the kind of person that almost always thinks about consequences before acting. I'm a planner. My husband is more of a spontaneous, passionate type - does whatever without thinking of consequences - goes beyond the A - goes for drinking to excess, etc.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:50 PM, April 28th (Wednesday)]

Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For BSs: how many of you have ever been tempted to cheat (before you knew of your spouse's affair)? If you were, what stopped you? Was it the respect & love for your spouse, refusal to violate your own personal code of morals, or something else?

Yes, a friend of my WH pursued me rather persistently at one point in time. I was VERY tempted; This man is someone I considered leaving my WH for when WH and I were dating. I think at the end of the day, the reason I didn't would be a combination of a *lack* of respect for the man pursuing me (a bigger factor) and also respect for and love for my husband and for his wife (a lesser reason) and respect for myself (a bigger factor.)

I actually had to go to extraoridinary lengths to deter this guy and finally I had to involve his wife to get him to back off -- I was afraid if I didn't I'd eventually rationalize my way into an A.

BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
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Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, May 2nd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes.... it had never even been a thought for me in over 25 yrs of marriage... even through the very tough times of his alcoholism..etc.
But I was finally pushed to that edge during his affair years (he had a 5 yr LTA).
At the time I had no clue that he was having an affair... I didn't realize that his depression, anger, heavy drinking, and detachment and distancing himself from me and the kids was due to an affair....
but, I was at the end of my rope in terms of his detached behavior and angry outbursts toward me.... I happened to meet up with an old high school friend and he was very, very flattering-good for my ego at a time when I was not feeling very good about myself, my marriage, my life....
so, yes, I did fanatsize about how my life could be different with a different man...
what did I do? I told my husband that I wanted a divorce-that I didn't want this kind of marriage in my old age.... he cried and told me that he didn't want to divorce....
I eventually, backed down, tried a number of things to change our life to help snap him out of the depression (moving etc.).....meanwhile... unbeknownst to me... he was in the middle of the affair and ...continued it for 2 yrs after my threatening to divorce!
so.. I guess deep down inside I knew that his detachment was very serious.....even without knowing about the affair..

Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA

Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
crushed again
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Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, May 2nd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For BSs: how many of you have ever been tempted to cheat (before you knew of your spouse's affair)? If you were, what stopped you? Was it the respect & love for your spouse, refusal to violate your own personal code of morals, or something else?

Very close! Unbeknowst to me WH was already gone from our M when someone I kinda knew kept 'coming on' to me every time our paths crossed. We happened to be at an out of town function and he invited me back to his hotel. I considered it, very seriously. Then I thought 'what are you doing'?! Just because you don't have the best M in the world this is no way to solve problems. I actually started shaking and praying. I also looked deep in my heart and thought I cannot do this to someone I took vows with. I will be honest, after I found out about WH's A I regretted my decision to say NO. That's how messed up I was. Do I think about an RA now? Yes. More than I should. But w/me it's all fantasy. As much as I am beginning to loath my WH for what he's done (and the truth be told I think continues to do) I just am not made for an A. I need to find my own happiness and peace within myself. Not by some flattering stranger.

"Don't you worry your pretty little mind because people throw rocks at things that shine!"
~I guess living in limbo is my "new normal"- stinks!~

Posts: 713 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!
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Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was tempted a couple times to cheat. It was always the idea of what it would do to WS and our relationship that stopped me. I always asked myself "Would this really be worth it??"

I also try (esp. now, and encourage WS to do the same) to be vocal about my temptations and tell WS if I am feeling attracted or feeling a "spark". Yes, it's uncomfy for us both but much better than the alternative! I have definitely found that verbalizing it takes a lot of the "appeal" out of the interesting other person, because it removes the delicious secrecy.

I am very cautious because I understand how these things start, even before the A and D-Day, just from life experience, so whenever I found myself having thoughts about someone that I wouldn't want to share with WS, and that person was in contact with me in some way, I stepped back. Way back.

WS has none of the life experience or relationship experience that I do, however. Not to excuse her but she just doesn't. It was much easier for her to believe her EA was "just" a friendship at first, though I saw it as a danger all along. She's really naive about people in some ways, and too trusting.

Anyway, I was cheated on with my first marriage, probably another factor in what kept my perspective for me. I'd BTDT and couldn't put another person through it.

[This message edited by undestructable at 12:26 AM, May 3rd (Monday)]

Me: 38
Kids: 3 (blended, same sex couple)
R since DDay: 3/5/10
7 years in June

...cuz i got tossed out the window of love's El Camino
and i shattered into a shower of sparks on the curb.." Ani DiFranco

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: texass
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Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually had someone interested in me. It was a customer where I worked. His wife had cheated on him, and he had a revenge A. He admitted it to me, and I think I was so shocked that I blurted out my situation. From there, I found myself looking forward to him coming in.
So we started meeting for break and talking about our situations. I could tell he was very remorseful, and he was divorced because of it. I told him I was still very mad and bitter. He said "Ok, then let's make arrangements to get together" I was so shocked, and even though I looked forward to seeing him, for him to actually put it out there just blew my mind. I snapped, "No, I won't stoop to that level"
So I guess what I'm saying is that once I was confronted with the possibility, even as angry as I still was, I knew I couldn't do it because of the pain it would cause.
I really believe it was his plan all along to make me confront that.
He was so cute, kind, and understanding, it would've been so easy to have an A with him, but once confronted with the possibility, I just couldn't do it.

Him - WH - 45
Me - BS - 44
OW - my niece - 38
Married 24 years
2 kids (boys) 13, 21
Reconciling 7 years

What doesn't kill you will make you stronger.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Illinois
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Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Many opportunities had been there for me, but for many reasons I didnot take advantage. First I take my vows very seriously, I made a commitment to my family, friends and God and I made a promise to my WW to love, honor and obey in sickness and health.
The other reasons were, Honor and integrity and the respect for my wife and son were place far ahead of anything I wanted, everything I ever did was with both of them in mind.
Just prior to getting married my WW and I said to each other if at anytime we met someone else we would ask the other for a Divorce before doing anything physical and if the other found someone else we would part as friends just like we started out.
Unfortunately I was the only one who had the respect and honor to not cheat. This is what hurts the most, our personal promise and vows made in front of everyone meant nothing to WW. Worse she did not care what damage she would cause to my son and I.
I hope this helps answer your question.
We are currently separated and I have still not even kissed another woman and will not until the divorce goes through. I guess I am just not wired the same as some others, the vows even after all of this crap still means something to me.

There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved

Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
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Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the first month of marriage, an attractive married co worker came on rather strong......We were fast friends, made each other laugh, etc.

My stbxwh surprised me with flowers one day in my office and he walked in on us chatting. He saw the connection immediately and was desperatly jealous. I assured him that I would not have bothered getting married if I was interested in pursuing other men.

Then I was very clear with co worker (I was actually his boss, so VERY clear) and that was that. Coincidentally, at the same time hsi future AP (POS MOW "friend) was blatantly grabbing my h's ass and asking me if he had a big pecker in public.
My H did not think this was inappropriate.

Am I more moral? NO.
Am I a better person? NO.

But, I did get married and understood what it meant, that it would be hard sometimes and that he was my one and only.

I also have always been very self assured, and known what I wanted and what I could handle from life. I also don't value sex above people I love. It a nut shell, I love myself, but it's not all about me.

D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Sep 2009
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Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate the idea of sounding like a pompous or pious a$$ ...

But I have never been tempted to cheat. Not once.

My first husband cheated on me several times (7 times in less than 2 years).

I decided then (at the ripe old age of 20) that I would never hurt another person that way.

Add that to my religious beliefs ... and no, I've never even been tempted to cheat.

BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
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Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been hit on but never once had the idea to cheat cross my mind. In high school I was in a LTR and I ended up drunk and making out with another person, nothing that heavy,mostly kissing. I felt so sick at myself I was up all night and called ant told my BF when I knew he'd be awake.

I felt so bad over just a little groping and kissing that I could NEVER stomach an affair. I'll admit in my marriage we were drifting apart and I thought about divorce but never once did I think about cheating on him.

BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.

Posts: 1991 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
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Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To add to heartbroken's question, how many BS have told there WS of potential opportunities to have an A? The reason I ask is because for those where the potential existed, however brief, or however unrecognized it may have been at the time, was there a moment that you were flattered? when your ego was stroked? If you keep that secret from your WS, doesn't that present a problem in the M or in R?

My BW and I have both had good friendships with members of the opposite sex. Both of us recognized that some of those friendships could put us on a slippery slope and we have both had the opportunity to have an A (I had one, she didn't). Now that we are in R, we have talked about this openly, those relationships/friendships that stroked our ego's or had teh potential to be a slippery slope. Prior to my A, we didn't talk about these things. I think we held onto these things because they made us feel good. Isn't that something that each partner in a committed relationship has the right to know about?

Just curious of others thoughts on this, not so much the actual answers to any of the questions.

WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6016 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
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Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well i had opportunity to have an A. I never did, because I valued my marriage more. Also, i did not wnat to hurt my H and did not want to hurt me too. as A seem a messy hurtful thing to me.. I did not have to cheat or to be cheated on to realise that..

As for telling him at the time - no I did not (probably should have told about temptation). My rational was - i decided against it - so there really was not potential for A. And as he already had all these low self esteem issues, insecurities etc it would not do any good. Little I knew that he was already in the A...

[This message edited by MelisssaZZZ at 8:48 AM, May 4th (Tuesday)]

Me BS - 37
WH 39
1 child - 4yrs
married 5 yrs, together 7
DD1 midmarch 09
DD2 early june 09
some more DD's of course - cannot bother to list
LTA (2 yrs) fully?? finished mid Aug 09
Status: Divorced Oct 2011

Posts: 1199 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: London, UK
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Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

was there a moment that you were flattered? when your ego was stroked?

Absolutely flattered. I thought Wow. Somebody thinks I'm pretty and is paying all of this attention to me. Maybe I am not so bad after all. And then the alarm bells went off.

If you keep that secret from your WS, doesn't that present a problem in the M or in R?

I never thought about it, after I pretty much shot the person down. While I was flattered, I knew I couldn't cross the line. In the instance where it was someone my FWH was an acquaintance with, I made myself more distant with that person from that point forward.
I did eventually tell my FWH after his A was exposed.
I wasn't looking for fun, and truthfully while I was flattered by the attention, the idea of another man touching me, felt repulsive. I projected in my mind what would happen had that line been crossed...I guess you could say that I actually entertained the idea in my mind. And when I got past the part of being flattered by the attention, the thought of touching another man intimately, seemed...disgusting. He would smell different, feel different etc...
So perhaps I should have told him right after it happened, but I didn't. I don't think it created any problems, since I was the boundary that ended any possibility of infidelity with that or any other person.
When I did tell him, it was more like I was trying to compare our situatons. I realized that when he was in exactly the same situation, he wanted to enjoy another person. I couldn't wrap my head around that. How could I be repulsed while he was enticed kind of a thought.
That is the short version of my thought process...hope that's helpful.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 9:03 AM, May 4th (Tuesday)]

BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one

Posts: 2360 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've had opportunities and yes it's flattering. My H knows about it and it hasn't been a problem because he knows I would never do something like that to him. I have to much respect for myself and the vows I made to do such a thing.

BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.

Posts: 1991 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
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Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your responses. I'm not trying to go against the guidelines by generalizing, but I guess I just wonder if there is somehow such an inherent difference in the "mind of a WS" vs. the "mind of a BS" the sense that there can be the exact same set of circumstances in the M, or in life in general, or even internal stuff (self-esteem issues, etc.) and one partner will react by cheating while the other won't. Not trying to generalize...just trying to understand.

Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

Posts: 1912 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
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Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting question ...

My husband and I have been together since we were 18. There have been times when both of us have had someone outside interested . We always talked about this, so I thought . I would tell him if someone hit on me and we would laugh about it .

In hindsight, the one person that H did not tell me about was OW. I now know that is because that one was just too close to home and he knew from the beginning that there was a real opportunity with her. I did not know of her ever until Dday .


Elected Voting Vixen

Posts: 8444 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Upstate New York
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Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


no, I've never felt flatterred. When guys would come on strong, I felt repulsed by it. I guess I took it as if they thought I was easy or something. But then again, relationship or not, I've always been repulsed by that type of behavior. And I don't just mean the "dirty old men whistling" types. Even the ones that were more "discrete" I would be turned off by them.

As far as if I told my WH about these interactions, I never told him specifically "I got hit on today" but we did generally talked about these things and I did tell him when he asked if I was hit on. I guess I just took it as shit that happens in everyday life that he knows happens but never has to worry about.

As far as the "almost EA" with a coworker - I'm not really sure what to call it - there was no flattery involved - unless you take being seen as competition as flattery. I did tell my WH about our interactions - "coworker passed the CPA", "coworker went on a cruise with his wife through Europe, said it was fun. We should look into doing something like that", etc - but I never told him about the point where I felt I was looking down the slippery slope. By then he was in the midst of his As and our communication was barely existent. Add to that my own foo issues - growing up I never felt heard, never felt that what I had to say was important thus never felt the need to communicate, especially when I felt WH "refused" to hear me out - and well I didn't tell him about it.

Post dday, I realized how wrong I was to not tell him anything then, regardless if he was cheating. I did tell him about it post dday. I wonder where we would have been if I had told him then. Could we have then opened the lines of communication which would have led to him confessing? Would he have used this information ad rationalization that his behavior was justified?

ETA: thinking about it, there was flattery. I did feel I was "listened to" by the cw.

[This message edited by icbtih8 at 11:48 AM, May 4th (Tuesday)]

D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue

Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
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Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Oh I have had many many times where if I would of given the signal it is okay to hit on me. Hence bat my eyes a bit more reach over and touch the persons hand laugh stand a little tooo close etc etc. Or Stroke the other persons ego. I strongly believe it is all in how you handle yourself and the body signals you as a person send off as to how far the hit will go. There are the few OP that you just have to say look I am married I don't like being spoke to in that manner it is offending me as a married person. They usually back off quickly and respect you for saying it.
Now I never ran and told my husband such and such hit on me. I took care of the situation. I have never never spoke of my personal life to those people either. Again I believe that is opening up the I am available door. Or I need someone to talk to I am available if we connect emotionally type. Not.

I believe there are some of us like myself I hold my marriage vows dear to my heart. If I would ever ever cheat on my marriage it would be an exist affair. I don't think I am capable of such an act but I never thought my spouse was either.

We are human we all can make errors mistakes bad judgements. We are suppose to learn from them and not repeat them.

I will not run to my spouse and say such and such hit on me unless I can not back that person away from me. Then when I need him to let the person know their advances are not welcome.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3133 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the responses. I know BS in general won't have an A because they respect themselves too much, they don't want to cause/experience that kind of pain, it goes against morals and values. Prior to my A, I thought all of these same things about myself. So this was more of a "what if" question, not from the perspective of "what if I had an A" but from the perspective of "what if these conversations took place before the A or A's that brought us all to SI".

I'm sort of in the camp of icbtih8 in wondering if my BW and I would have been more open or recognized those times when our ego's were stroked by some source outside of our M, if we would have talked about things more, would I have been less likely to have an EA? Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to blameshift here.

So what makes it taboo for those who don't talk about this? If we get hit on or recognize that there is a potential A situation developing, would talking about it with our spouses help to make the M stronger? would it help each other to know that our spouses love us enough to be that open and honest with us? to let us know that they want that attention from us, not from others?

Just typing now...but the above situation is still about getting external validation and what do you do with that? Why do we feel good when others flatter us? Why do we keep it secret? What can a person do to not be so drawn into that realm?

WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6016 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
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Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it was flattering because my H never complimented me when I dressed up. Only on our wedding day. I'm a tom boy, I BARELY know how to use make up lol, and the only dress I own is my wedding dress. I have skirts and some more female clothing however.

But as I said my H never complimented me. His mom would say how nice I looked, or tell me how amazed her friends were seeing me dressed u p and asked why I don't do so more often, hell his uncle would compliment me. Never my H.

So while it was flattering there were times I would flat say "I am married" or "I'm here with my husband." to guys and they would leave it at that. I would have LOVED if the H had been the one to compliment me. I would have loved for him to open up to me.

BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.

Posts: 1991 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
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