Also at the time of A (4 years ago lasted 6 weeks)I ws asking BH for a D.So basically leaving BH for OM.Obviously I see things differently now was in a complete mess at time and have done alot of work to change myself.But the sticking point is I have told H the truth and even at time of A I knew my BH was better looking than OM.I still do and I believe my BH is far better looking than alot of men even those alot younger than him.Is it a time factor that will heal this wound.
Unfortunately now I am the BW as H has cheated 20 times with 20 different OW in last year.4 A and 16 ONS.D day for me aug 09.This has now stopped and we are in R.He was looking for validation and also he is 45 so may have been going through that midlife thing.He says he knows OW found him attractive but doesn't believe I do.
I would really like help on this specific question.
I know actions speak louder than words and have been doing all I can.This has come naturally to me.
We are in R we both want M to work and both love each other and want to move foreward.
He may be looking for truth that makes sense.
The OM was younger and more fit and you were ready to leave your BH. What exactly did your BH have that the OM didn't? Be as specific as you can. What kept you? Maybe in his mind if he had decided to leave you for a younger, hotter woman, he would have.
Right now I'm struggling with my wife getting very lusty last month and trimming down there. Prior to that our sex life was mediocre, once or twice a month for years, unless I spoke up, but that only worked for a week. I thought we were getting to a good place, finally, only to find out she was talking/texting/chatting and emailing her hs boyfriend.
I asked her one night what the connection was, I didn't really change anything, and in my mind the explanations range from relatively innocent (she got turned on that her HS boyfriend still carried a torch for her after 25 years) to depressing (I can't get her hot, but her old boyfriend can, and she was fantasizing about him while doing me).
She said there was no connection, which just doesn't make any sense to me. The two biggest changes in her life in October were the increased libido and connecting with the xbf. I can't believe they're not linked. Maybe she can't admit they're linked, but right now I obsess a little about it. I'd like a truth that makes sense to me.
Your WS confides in their best friend about the A. These friends are not your friends. They are your WS's friends, one of which has been there since before you two even met. Do you expect the friends of your WS to tell you that your spouse is cheating? Whose responsibility is it to out your WS? Is it your WS or your WS's friends?
[This message edited by FatherofFour at 4:39 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)]
But, lets get real......this is no perfect world.
I don't think there are many friends of only the WS who would go to the BS and tell.
Now.......after d-day I think its perfectly fine when trying to reconcile that only friends of the marriage are kept.
So, IMO, that betrayal cost a friendship too.
What i find really difficult to deal with is knowing that some of them have sat at our kitchen table smiled at me asked me how im doing... all while they knew something was wrong.
Not one of them ever even told me that i should pay a bit more attention to my WW.
Would i expect them to tell me...i guess not, Their loyalties do lie with my wife...but would i expect them to have told my wife to stop and really think about what she was doing and that it may well screw up what she thought was left of her Marriage...you bet.. did any of them ... not that im aware of.
there were a few words of warning... but mostly they were just there to help pick up the pieces when things went wrong in one of her A's.
I havent yet had to face any of them yet... Im not looking foward to it.
What really peeves me off about her 'friends' and the people she sought out for advice...was that NONE..not one of them is in a stabile Mariage, or was in one. and some of them have been on the recieving end of Infidelity themselves... I hope that should i ever find myself in the same situation that i would react differently... that at the very least i would tell my friend to wake up and smell the rosses.
(sorry if i got a bit rantish)
would i like to have had one fo them tell me...absolutely, can i reasonably expect it..no, and i wouldnt in the future either.
no, i guess realistically i don't expect them to tell me. i do expect them to tell the WS that what they are doing is wrong and encourage him to confess. these i would consider friends, real, actual, true friends that are looking out for his best interest. their loyalty lies with him, not me.
any "friend" that encourages him to continue the A, is not a friend of his and is not a friend of the marriage.
i would probably expect WS to break ties with these friends, even the real friends because reasonable or not, i would not trust them. i wasnt' there during their conversations; i don't know who said what or who encouraged who. i'm not taking the risk of them not being friends of the marriage.
Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue
You have friends and then there are friends that are friends of your marriage. Like scd, my XWW confided in friends that are in horrible marriages. They are the ones that encouraged her. They are still married.
It comes down to loyalty. Regardless if it is right or wrong. But, it also depends on if the WS told the friend the real truth.
If we are past this (since we clearly moved on in our relationship and got married) how do I stop him from constantly bringing it up?
Clearly, he is not past it. I think some marriage counseling is in order. His feelings need to be worked through.
He has no idea how much it hurts me, I honestly feel like he should just go cheat on me once and then be done talking about it! Urg, it is hard, I know I am the one at fault but I am still getting extremally hurt in this situation.
Learning to argue about typical marriage stuff without constantly throwing out the affair is important to the survival of the marriage. Again, seek some counseling to help with this.
Him cheating on you? Won't solve a thing. It will create so many more problems you can't even imagine. Don't suggest it to him, its not a solution.
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." – Albert Einstein
I definately see traces of manipulation in this situation
My gut reaction is it was part guilt, part turned on from the endorphins from the EA.
My wife, whom I betrayed in a series of one-night-stands, has not asked me a lot of questions since D-day four months ago. At D-day, I was completely open and truthful with regard to both my actions and her questions at the time. I've read many WS, however, who say that their BS grilled them for a long period of time afterward.
I assume my BS has not been inquisitive since D-day for a number of reasons--hurt, sadness, anger, numbness, and mental exhaustion top that list. But I was wondering if she may also be growing disinterested, as in, she doesn't care to know any more. Honestly, what I'm suggesting to you sounds crazy to me; I'd like a reality check.
Have you ever used disinterest, feigned or real, as a coping strategy to deal with your emotions toward your WS's infidelity?
After I asked the initial questions I wanted answered about his ONS (and there were many), the remainder of my questions became more from "questionable" women in his PAST - since we were married and up until just prior to his ONS. Many, many boundary crossings (though no infidelity) during those years. I knew I was very uncomfortable with the women/and or the situations, but was not able to verbalize or really understand my discomfort. Tried to talk myself into saying I was just being jealous, when in fact, my gut/heart knew something wasn't right.
But back to your initial question, I'll be very honest. For the first 12-18 months, my focus was more on ME and not him. My pain, my hurt, my disgust, my fear, my mourning, etc. What he was dealing with during those times may have briefly and mentally crossed my mind, but emotionally, I didn't really care.
[This message edited by Devestatedx5 at 4:58 AM, December 25th (Friday)]
The detachment is a measure of self protection. I grilled my WH after I found out about his drunk ONS betrayal.
Having had, and perhaps still one day again having, a uniquely happy marriage; I was in total shock and disbelief. Initially, as he tried to explain the unexplainable, I felt as if in a tunnel; I sort of heard, but did not process the information.
Over the next couple of months I would grill him and we would both cry. Then came the detachment; in trying to disassociate myself from the event, to process, compartmentalize and put away the event in my head, I detached from him. He hurt me so badly I could hardly breathe. He sensed this detachment and would try harder to woo me back to him. I wasn't trying to hurt him, just to protect me.
Perhaps your wife is trying to pull away from the events as they are too painful to process. I don't know what led to your betrayal nor do I know the state your marriage was in before the betrayals occurred, but these factors are relevant.
Either you can detach from her in return, or you can try to make her fall in love with you all over again. You need to figure out what you want before you can expect anything more from her.