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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: WS Questions for BS's
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 8th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sadskittles,

Did you lose any friendships over your S infidelity, because you decided to stay with that you S?

If so, how did you deal with it?

Yes, a few. But you know what? I just think that is very indicative of the types of friendships they truly were then. In all honesty, I haven't even given those 'friends' a second thought.

They need to be friends both during the good and bad times.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
surviving1979
♀ Member
Member # 22990
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, March 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have wanted to get a hold of the OM W I want to let her know my wrongs and how very sorry for the pain I have caused her. I wanted to see if that is something you would have ever wanted or if you would have been able to hear.


I also know her H has had many A's and she has no idea.
I have wanted her to know so she can make the ight choice for herself


D-day is 4 months out

[This message edited by surviving1979 at 8:12 PM, March 1st (Sunday)]


I'm sorry that I hurt you
it's something I must live with everyday


Posts: 143 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: idaho
jewel123
♀ Member
Member # 22863
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BW here.
I just wish that any of the dozen or so people that knew would have told me or at least said something that made me go "what" instead I was ignorant the whole time.
I dont know if OM W will listen since you were the OW for her husband however most of the time when the BS finds out from the OP its so the OP can get ahold of their spouse.
Sounds like you are remorseful and the things you would say at this point would show that since you are in recon with your BS. Since you are in recon I would not do anything without your husband being involved ask him what he thinks.
Hope all goes well for you and your husband sending you both strength and prayers


BS me 44
H 46 (paulie)
married 25 years (hs sweethearts)
dday 8-08
DS19
DS23
New love is the brightest, and long love is the greatest, but revived love is the tenderest thing known on earth. -Thomas Hardy
Reconciled! :)

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: MO
surviving1979
♀ Member
Member # 22990
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have talked to H and He thinks the letter would be good, I would love her to know the whole truth but im not sure if that is my place


I'm sorry that I hurt you
it's something I must live with everyday


Posts: 143 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: idaho
chrissy26
♀ Member
Member # 23068
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BS and I will say that I would LOVE to know the whole truth and that at this point I wouldn't care WHO told me that truth.


BS(me)- 27
WH(him)- 28
Married - 9 yrs Together- 11 yrs
Kids - D-10,D-8,S-3
Status - pending
D Day #1 - 04-02 (some girl he met while in boot camp)
D Day #2 - 12-24-07 (online EA with at least 2 sluts, maybe more)

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: TN
surviving1979
♀ Member
Member # 22990
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, March 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And Im not saying I would want to tell her It would kill me to see her pain and anger.I just feel It is my place to let her know, So she can make the right choices for herself.



I'm sorry that I hurt you
it's something I must live with everyday


Posts: 143 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: idaho
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Write the letter. Have your H look over it and attach a note.

This is everything my W has told me about her infidelity with your H. I hope this information can fill in any pieces to the puzzle that you are missing.

Here is my contact info. Please take your time and write down any and all questions that you may have for us to answer. After the questions and answers we will be going NC with you and your H so we can work towards R.


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3704 | Registered: Feb 2007
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sort of a silly question, I guess - but I'm actually asking.

If I act like I have boundaries, will I eventually have these boundaries?

Put like this it seems so foolish .

I guess I would just like some perspective from people that are aware of their personal boundaries. If I keep working on this idea of boundaries, trying to define them, mentally and emotionally, and 'playing house', behaving like I'm already aware of my boundaries... Will I then lay these boundaries for myself at some point? The old action-cognition-emotion influencing each other?

Or in short - how do I grow myself some boundaries?

Thanks for any input - I'm rather confused ...

~L


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
OnlyLonely
♀ Member
Member # 14326
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best way to understand boundaries is to put the shoe on the other foot.

Every choice you make reflects on your spouse as well. You go out into the world as a married woman, not a single one. YOu want the world to see you as a married woman so you act like one.

If you are in a situation that you know would upset your BH and you know that when he asks about your day you will omit or gloss over a conversation you had with someone of the opposite sex. Then you know you've crossed a boundary.

Anything you can't do in front of your spouse should not be done. or if you are the type of person who still has a problem with boundaries even in front of your spouse think of how you'd feel if he did what you were doing.

Before you make a comment to another man or agree to a solo meeting think. How would I feel if BH did this and didn't tell me about it? how would I feel if he acted like this with some woman?

Once you put your mind on how your actions look to and affect others you'll find that following those boundaries become easier and easier.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married: 18 years

Status: In R


Posts: 7555 | Registered: Apr 2007
jewel123
♀ Member
Member # 22863
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think what boundaries are is simply when involved with someone other than your spouse of family members that you think first. If it is someone you work with or whatever THINK FIRST.

So there really is no pretending to have boundaries they are like walls you put them up or you dont kwim?
Your saying if you "act like" you have boundries will that mean you will eventually have boundaries? My answer is yes as soon as you put those boundaries into effect they are there. period.
Now the hard part..You have to learn there is no good reason no matter what that other person says to cross those boundaries.
After your M has been hit with infidelity those boundaries need to be strong and not crossed..
Sending you strength..Good luck


BS me 44
H 46 (paulie)
married 25 years (hs sweethearts)
dday 8-08
DS19
DS23
New love is the brightest, and long love is the greatest, but revived love is the tenderest thing known on earth. -Thomas Hardy
Reconciled! :)

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: MO
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, March 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the advice, OnlyLonely and Jewel. You're priceless!

~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, April 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for the men: How is it possible for you to love your WW so much, in spite of the awful betrayal? Why do you take her back? Why don't you think she ought to be stoned to death?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, April 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

US, you answered my question, I'll try to answer yours, even though in my case, it's hypothetical.

If she regains her sanity from the fog, and she begs forgiveness, as Bufffalo says "sobbing, crying, mascara dripping off her chin", here is why I would try to R:

For over 30 years, she was my best friend.
I saw her every morning, and every night, and she was beautiful. In those years she went from teenage chubby to starving thin to pregnant to thin to overweight to smoking hot. Her hair went from brunette to blond to red, from long to short. And always beautiful to me, no matter her weight, her hair color, her complexion.
I watched her bear my 3 children.
I watched her raise my kids, teach them to play baseball, counsel her friends, laugh, cry, sing, have parties, redecorate houses, volunteer.
She was my first love.

That person is gone. If I believed, truly believed, that she missed that person, and was trying with all her might to become that person again, or an improved if slightly damaged version of that person, I would gladly work to make that happen.

She may think I never loved her, never appreciated her, never cared for her, never nurtured her. And, truth to tell, I know in my heart I didn't meet all her needs. As I know she didn't meet mine.

But I did love her. I do. This is the greatest loss of my life.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 4944 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Crazyville ( A little East of St. Louis)
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, April 8th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I did love her. I do. This is the greatest loss of my life.

Trusted - Gosh, I can feel your love for your W and I'm so sorry that she cannot...

My H has been nothing but ... oh, more than human in his understanding and forgiveness. Even when he was fuming mad (with very good reason), I always knew he loved/loves me. I don't deserve it, but I treasure it. I have to live up to it.

I just don't understand how he can still love me with the awful things I've said to him.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, April 8th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

US,

Wow, the question that everyone asks me. Yes, I love my wife, always have, always will. Yes, I wanted to stone her to death, and with just cause, but could do nothing else but love and miss her while she was gone.
When she wanted to come back, in spite of my moving on (yeah right), all I could do was take her in.
The rub here, she seems to be going right back to pre S wife. And I am starting to feel like a sucker, more and more.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, April 8th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I wanted to stone her to death, and with just cause, but could do nothing else but love and miss her while she was gone

See? That's what I don't understand. I knew H was that mad, and yet in the same breath, he would still tell me he loved me...


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Shared Taxi
♂ Member
Member # 22900
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, April 8th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to break the rules (I think) and respond to my wife's question. (she's Unexpected Song).

Love isn't so logical. I think there is probably a good analogy in the question, "How could my spouse cheat if he/she loved me" to "How could my spouse still love me given the things I've done and said?"

We love because we have to. I can not tell my self to not love, just as I can't tell myself to love.

I can't tell you why I love Unexpected Song. I can tell you what I love about her. But, what is it that lights that extra spark that makes me love the person? I don't know.

I love her, even when I am angry. I love my sons even when I am angry at them, just as my father loved me, even when he was angry at me.

It is because we love that this hurts so much.

I made that purposely vague--"we" includes both BS's and WS's. Many WS's hurt very deeply. Partly this is due to damage to self-image, but largely this is because they still love their BS's. Likewise, BS's hurt, get angry, lost and all that because they love their WS's.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Carnival
♂ Member
Member # 23447
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, April 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

US,
it's all a matter of personal values. If a BS puts fidelity very high in her/his values the WS would be stoned to death as far as BS is concerned (in spite of love he/she feels for the WS). But if a BS gives a substantial weight to the value of love and forgiveness she/he will take him/her back.


If you are going through hell keep going.
-- Sir Winston Churchill

Posts: 271 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: The next place
Carnival
♂ Member
Member # 23447
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, April 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

of course my statement above assumed rational behaviour. If BS isn't strong enough or acts out of fear (emotional behavior) this can be reason good enough for caving in.


If you are going through hell keep going.
-- Sir Winston Churchill

Posts: 271 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: The next place
Sorrowfulfriend
♂ Member
Member # 17103
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, April 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I am looking for answers and I have no idea where to turn.

My wife and I have been dealing with this for 17 months. There has been no meaningful intimacy since just a few weeks after d-day (HB). How do we connect?

I am at a loss because we are still in limbo with no decision on R or D. The only thing for sure that we have not done is have any kind of intimacy. No hugging, kissing, or better, just living life without it. Is this the catch that we have to overcome for us to connect in some way so that we can begin to build a real and lasting relationship?

I have expressed this as a need and for me a Vital Love Language. I think I have been doing things right most of the time, and my BS says that I am, but we can't seem to bridge the gap between us. We are stuck, and I don't know how long I can continue to live this way..

Any advice, comments, or ideas?


(me)WS 40
BS 38 (pmlsea)
M 18 yrs
3 kids, 17,12,11

PERSISTANCE IS THE ABILITY TO MAINTAIN ACTION REGARDLESS OF YOUR FEELINGS. YOU PRESS ON EVEN WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE QUITTING


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