Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: BrknBttrfly (43162)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: WS Questions for BS's
whoami?
♀ Member
Member # 19171
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just peeking my head in here--- Meeko, your situation feels a lot like mine. And I just wanted to thank Calonlan for the kind words and the hopefulness that it makes me feel. :) You guys are awesome.


WS (Me) 28
BS (Him) 30
S-3, S-1
**The best musicians learn to trust that the music they will ultimately make is more important than today's wrong notes."
-Forgiving Ourselves

Posts: 128 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Under a Rock
perrycogirl
♀ Member
Member # 20227
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how to help my husband become less selfish and stop doing things that deliberately hurt my feelings or go against reconciliation. Yes, he wants to work on our marriage. Yes, he's in IC. We did marriage counseling about a year ago. Right now I'm not ready to go back to MC yet. I'm not sure my H is willing to go the exta mile and make things work. I'd like some suggestions on reading material for him. I was also wondering about inviting him to this site. He's not real receptive to self help and opening up - which I think is a key to fixing yourself.

Your suggestions, please.


Married 22 years
Me: BS 40's
Him: WH 40's
DS: 15
DDay#1 4/2002 (4 mo PA)
DDay#2 11/2006 (admitted to 1.5 yr PA) - almost 2 years later admitted it actually started 10 years earlier. They split for while and reconnected years later.

Posts: 340 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: small town in central PA
perrycogirl
♀ Member
Member # 20227
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, I posted this in the wrong section


Married 22 years
Me: BS 40's
Him: WH 40's
DS: 15
DDay#1 4/2002 (4 mo PA)
DDay#2 11/2006 (admitted to 1.5 yr PA) - almost 2 years later admitted it actually started 10 years earlier. They split for while and reconnected years later.

Posts: 340 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: small town in central PA
peachy40
♀ Member
Member # 20108
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS has been really good at answering my questions, except in the area of the physical aspect of the affair. I would love to get insight from wayward spouses on how they felt.

His A was an EA for 10 months before it became a PA. Then the EA/PA lasted another 7 months or so. Even though our R is going well, I am having a hard time moving past the visions in my head of the 2 of them together.

When we discuss this, he claims that he cannot remember many of the 'details' of their physical A. When I ask about their first kiss, the first time they had sex...he tells me he cannot remember details..he only remembers the intense guilt and how terrible he felt afterward. He said the sex was never good or memorable, because he was always worried about getting caught. Then, afterward, the guilt was so overwhelming, that he tried to block the incident immediately just to cope. Yet...he kept going back for more. If it was so bad, why not stop?

I am not quite sure why I have this need for details. I think I feel that by not telling me everything I want to know, I still do not have full disclosure.

Can there really be details that he can't remember? He also gets very uncomfortable when I bring this topic up. Should I push him to remember? He is in IC, perhaps I should ask him to bring it up there? The PA began 11/07, so it wasn't THAT long ago. Can you really 'block' memories like that? And if it was so bad at the time, why would you keep going back? His answer is that he doesn't know.

Thoughts from anyone would be appreciated!

[This message edited by peachy40 at 11:18 AM, August 4th (Monday)]


Status: Happily Reconciled!
Me: BS 40
Him: FWS 42
Together: 19 years; Married: 17 years
Beautiful daughter: 15
Amazing son: 13
Affair: 18month EA; last 6 month PA w/ former close friend and former neighbor (we have moved)

Posts: 132 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Atlanta
bear
♂ Member
Member # 19859
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Peachy,

If you want a significant response to your question you might consider posting it under 'BS Questions for WSs', but I'll try to give it a whirl while I'm here.

I'd say that your WH simply doesn't want top talk about the details of his sexual behavior with his xOW. Thsi is particularly difficult if your R is going well. Perhaps there will be a time in the future that talking about intimate details will be less of a hurdle, but he's probably not wanting to cause you worse triggers than you already have. Obviously, I don't knbow either one of you, so that's how i would feel.

My BW has never asked me for specific details about sexual behavior, and, frankly, that's fine with me. The sex between xOMW and me was passionate and intense like it was when I was first married. It would be hard to discuss that kind of behavior without having my BW draw comparisons between that behavior and our current married sexual relationship. It's very different.

Why is it so important that you know the details? Are you sure you really want to know? If you're looking for some validation that your sexual appeal to your WH is greater than the past appeal of xOW, you might be opening up a wound that won't be what either of you want. I'd suggest you accept his 'want' to R with you as his statement of your sexual appeal to him. Healthy relationships aren't all about the sexual act itself.

My guess is that your WH has very vivid memories of his sexual relationship with xOW. I know I do. If he's truly remorseful, he probably doesn't want to relive it with you. It would be painful and/or embarrassing for him, too.

Have you told him you can't get closure? If you've told him that you can't get past the visions of them together, then I'd bet he's not too sure he wants to go any further.

My take.


WH (me): 59
BW: 56
M: 34 years
Together: 38 years
2 DDs: 21 & 25
d'day: 2-11-2008
A: EA & PA 6 months


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: South
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd suggest you accept his 'want' to R with you as his statement of your sexual appeal to him. Healthy relationships aren't all about the sexual act itself.

Nope. He 'wanted' the marriage (which is why he had an affair, instead of getting divorced), and that didn't keep him faithful. Physical presence in the relationship has no guaranteed correlation to sexual attraction -- it might just mean that he doesn't want to lose his financial investments.

He needs to answer these questions point blank.

My guess is that your WH has very vivid memories of his sexual relationship with xOW. I know I do. If he's truly remorseful, he probably doesn't want to relive it with you. It would be painful and/or embarrassing for him, too.

And this is the best reason to pin him down and force him to answer in as vivid and degrading detail as you can stomach. The powerful shaming impulse at verbalizing his behavior will to a long way to knocking the gilding off the lily of secret, illicit sex.

The more you make him talk about it, the less those memories become his favorite masturbation fantasies and the more they reflect the horrible, shameful and degrading reality that they are.

I'm a big fan of the notion that all "positive" memories associated with affairs should be burnt to the waterline whenever possible. Bringing those memories out into the light of day has an odd way of doing just that.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
peachy40
♀ Member
Member # 20108
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I feel like knowing EVERY detail, of every moment of the A, will help me understand why he cheated, and will make me feel like there are no more secrets.

We just got back from MC, where we discussed this topic. Our therapist thinks that there is no benefit for me to focus on one particular day of the A, and obsess about it. She thinks that as long as he has been open about all of the other details I have asked him about, that I should start thinking about why the details of their first kiss are so important to me. She also thinks it is possible that he has 'blocked' the details from his memory, because the memory of his feeling from that day (despair, desperation, shame, disguist, panic, guilt, etc), overshadow the actual details of the day.

I also think this upsets me, because this is the first memory he has not clearly remembered. Man..if that was me, and I just committed adultery for the first time, I think I would remember every detail! I just don't get it! It is a pretty pivotal moment in your life! Like on 9/11...doesn't everyone remember where they were, and what they were doing on that horrible morning?


Status: Happily Reconciled!
Me: BS 40
Him: FWS 42
Together: 19 years; Married: 17 years
Beautiful daughter: 15
Amazing son: 13
Affair: 18month EA; last 6 month PA w/ former close friend and former neighbor (we have moved)

Posts: 132 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Atlanta
acreswild
♂ Member
Member # 19371
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Peachy,

I also struggle with my WW's selective memory... these A's are exciting, long lasting, filled with sexual tension, risk etc.... I would think that anybody normal would be bale to recall a hell of a lot about it..

yes, there is repression.. but if its still active when found out, or still part of communication patterns.. its still alive..

I always wonder whether their memories were better the day before they were outed...

I still want details because it tells me about the tone and tenor of the relationships, which gives me a clue about what she got our of it, and maybe why it persisted so long..I want pictures and sound..esp since it appears that shebehaved as a totally different person with OM...so WTF?? and WHY?


BS-Me-59
WW- Her-59
Married 36 years
PA/EA/?A...depends on definition....
She finally admitted an old 3-4 year affair ( over 25 years ago) followed by a very sporadic on-again off-again 8 year PA followed by lengthy EA that would likely still be

Posts: 409 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Chicago
hollywood_mjl
♀ Member
Member # 16664
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Meeko,

Keep in mind too that you trickle truthed. This April was probably harder on him than the original D-day. He has to start all over again, as do you. I would ensure him that you are telling the truth by going above and beyond. Take a lie detector test, etc. Whatever it takes. I had the idea to have my WS sign to guarantee he never cheat on me again, or else i get xx% alimony or something like that.
Also, time and consistancy from you is what is needed.
Share your dreams with him, be silly with him, send him love letters (w/o sorry's and mention of the A). Good luck.


Eh, he had an Affair, I left him...and I'm happy...life goes on.

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Oct 2007
justmarried712
♀ New Member
Member # 20586
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These questions is more for the WS.
How did you deal with having to talk about the A, and go over it again and again?

Did it make you want to give up?
When you got angry were you angry at your spouse or at the situation?
What did you do to try and rebuild trust after all of the lies?

For other BS
Did you ask the same questions over and over again day after day.. and keep notes in your head to find more lies?
How did you rebuild trust after all of the lying?
What I mean is what types of things did you and your WS do to help you to trust them again


Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forwards..

Posts: 49 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Missouri
SoDisappointed
♀ Member
Member # 19609
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JM712, I did initially ask the same questions about a billion times, in the month or so after D-day. I just needed to keep hearing the answers I guess. I did reach a point a couple of mths after D-day where I just stopped asking a lot of the time, too much energy wasted and didn't know what to ask. Now 7 mths post D-day and I still come up with the odd question though I think they are becoming more intense and probing than my previous ones...I think I am just getting stronger and more able to deal with more hurt.


DDay-Feb08
Divorced

Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey


Posts: 565 | Registered: May 2008
fool_me_once
♀ Member
Member # 20232
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JM712, I had a few reasons to ask the same questions repeatedly. First off, I didn't feel like I had the full truth and thought it might jog his memory the more I asked. Also, I kept asking the same question over and over until the answers stopped hurting as much. I had to let my anger run its own course and while everything was new, the answers were still so painful but I needed to face them. Even if it meant facing the same thing time and time again. It still hurts, but I think I've desensitized myself enough that I can start working on healing.


BS(Me) 31
FWS 29
DD 4
DD 2
D-day: 7/2/08
Trying R

Posts: 257 | Registered: Jul 2008
fortysixandtwo
♀ Member
Member # 20107
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, October 8th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a question for BHs.

When my boyfriend is having a bad time, when I know he's thinking about the affairs, I always ask him if he wants to talk about it and he always says no. Sometimes, we do talk about it anyway, and it always ends with him lashing out and me in tears. When he's going through some tough emotions, I really feel at a loss for what I can do to help him. So, to you BHs out there, what were some ways that you dealt with the bad memories or difficult times and what were some things that your wife did for you that really helped?


Me (WGF)-22
Him (BBF)-23
Together-3 Years
D-Day 1: 12/25/07
D-Day 2: 5/22/08
Two Affairs
Status: Painful Self-Analysis, steely determination and a generous and loving heart.

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought" -Buddha


Posts: 106 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Beginning
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, October 8th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he is lashing out and hurting, it is because he is hurting inside. I get this point on so many levels. I have just cycled to internalizing it so not to be lashing out as often. But much of mine is because I can't really approach W.

If I was to offer any advice, it would be this. When he is down, put on your armor, steel your nerves and bear the load. I would bet that if he can just get it unloaded it would help. Once tha anger is down, try to set the communications. It might be a better idea to do this in MC.

I get how hard this is. I would assume that you have beaten yourself up a bit over this. But you need to let him get it out. (as long as there is no threat of physical). I know that for me, I want to deal with this with her, as it involves her. But that is unavailable to me. One thing that I do not want to deal with from her is her anger. It shuts me down like a rock.

It is a process, I hope that you guys can find a good path to take. He is hurt and he needs to release it somehow. I again caution about letting it get physical, protect yourself from that. But try to understand that his pain is intense and his esteem is more than likely nonexistant.

Sending you guys my thoughts and prayers for a peaceful path. And also letting you know that it is so awesome to try and find that path to help him. Kudos.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, October 8th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any WS care to comment, I would love the feedback...

I hear, everytime we speak about the A, "It didnt mean anything, She didnt mean anything, I was just out to get what I wanted, I was a selfish bastard!"

One, did any of you feel the same way about your A?

Two, I am afraid he is telling himself this so his feelings for her wont get in our way of R. How hard was it for any of you to get over the feelings you had for your OP. I know the feelings had during the A are strong and exciting, but did they change after D-Day?

Thanks


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
onedayattatime
♀ Member
Member # 17373
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, October 14th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi - I was reading aways back on this thread where there was discussion about a survey that spouses were filling out to help with communication - I was wondering if anyone could please tell me where I can find this survey?

Thanks!


Me: BS, 32
Him: FWH, 31
M: 12/1996
D-Day: 10/11/07 WH asked for D, one week after meeting OW; 10/17/07 WH told me about OW;
R: 10/24/07 3 weeks after he met OW
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

Posts: 62 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Michigan
wishingitwasnt
♂ Member
Member # 20380
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, October 14th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fortysixandtwo:

For me, physical contact. Let me cry and ask no questions. The hurt is deep, and personal. Just hold me and ride it out. Does it suck for you? Do you feel bad? Tough. You should. Iím trying to survive this. Just respect that, and be there for me. Not a lot of fun? Well, it isnít for me, either


Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: IA
tractorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 21226
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, October 16th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm responding to bear (or whoever) who says that BS should not ask too many Q's about the sex because it might make them hurt more. I don't believe this. I'm not saying you have to go on and on about how mind-blowing it was, but you do have to answer every question honestly. Otherwise you and the OW still have secrets together. I can stand the truth, I just can't take my H and another woman having secrets. Without total honesty, I'd skip the R and head to D. If your BS doesn't ask, well lucky you...


BS=me, late 30's
FWH=him, early 40's
Married 15 years
OW=19 yrs old
2 boys: 12 & 9, wonderful!!
Reconciling

Posts: 1368 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: nebraska
Copeland
♂ Member
Member # 21005
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found this thread...I would like to know about BS who didn't want to work on the R. Didn't have any interest in it. Did you evolve into being able to put in the work? I'm sure its hard to look at your betrayer as somebody appealing, but if we're trying...did you ever decide to work at it despite how you felt?

On a related note: In my relationship my BGF broke up with me and says she can now do whatever she wants (i.e. dating) if she chooses. I still want to continue work on the R and am willing to carry that by myself for now. Am I being naive/stupid? We still share the same home and are best friends...I think the world of her.


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
findingcomfort
♀ New Member
Member # 21364
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for BS's. If you had your choice, would you rather never know about your WS's A? If they were able to end it and you never knew, would you choose it, if you could? Or would you rather know, either way?

Thanks in advance for your honesty.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Oct 2008
Topic Posts: 386
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Lock This Topic is Locked
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.