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Newest Member: ThrownAwayTwice (43226)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are welcome Dx5!!


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks beach, there is NC with the OW, but transparency is lacking. I have access to everything, but not because he gave me passwords and that. I found them out on my own.


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1727 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks beach, there is NC with the OW, but transparency is lacking. I have access to everything, but not because he gave me passwords and that. I found them out on my own.


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1727 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to this thread, so bear with me if a similar question has been asked before.

I'm four months out from D-day and my WH & I are desperately trying to R. He is 100% transparent and honest and working hard to repair the damage and help me fall in love with him again. (He's SA BTW, so that just makes everything more difficult). Oh and no one knows what we are going through minus the counselors, pastor & our family.

Anyway, my question is this...we've got another couple friend who are going through a similar situation. She is the WW and he is the BH. My WH & I are both feeling compelled to talk to them as they are in such an anger phase and filing for divorce as she is unwilling to try.

Any recommendations as to how to approach them? Really I guess how to approach her. The BH in this case would desperately try to salvage the marriage. I guess I'm just looking for input from WS's as to how they would feel about being approached from another couple dealing with these issues who are trying to make it work? Would you be offended, defensive, or welcome a friend in a similar situation?

Thanks! There's just got to be something positive that I can take out of the hellish experience.


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
smile_it_helps
♀ Member
Member # 17569
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you really forget about the ow? Do you really just totally block that part of your life out and never think of her? Do you think your wife thinks about the op every single day or do you think she forgets it too when it is not mentioned? Do you realize how much damage was actually caused to your wife or do you believe that it is in the past now?

Thanks and sorry if this has been asked.


me bs
him fws
19 years
OW was my best friend
2 amazing kids
finding happiness again
separation 12/27/07
let him come back 3/25/08
Just had our 25th anniversary.

Posts: 380 | Registered: Jan 2008
lostandafraid
♀ Member
Member # 21125
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for any WS:

My WH and I are 2 months past D-day. He has been 100% N/C since that date.

He's always transparent, and most of the time, he's very remorseful and supportive. But there are times when he says that he feels like I'm using the A to control him and that at times my needs make him feel smothered. That sometimes he needs time to himself, even if I'm having a bad day and need extra reassurance. He says it's seems like everything is one sided and only about me - that while he had the A and takes full responsibility, that he still has needs and feelings too.

Is this a truly remorseful WS? Should he even be thinking about himself and his needs and feelings at two months post d-day?

Did other WS's feel this way and still truly want to R and make it work?


Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2008
Copeland
♂ Member
Member # 21005
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi lost-well of of it can surely wear us out, but really, does what us W's compare to what you B's are having to go through? I know I often feel weary, but if my BGF ever ever wants to talk about A, or her feelings, or even just vent, I try hard to stay present for her sake. I don't see any problem with him saying he gets tired as long as he's not expecting that to be an out from helping you and hearing you. I'm sure there are times when you'd rather not be around him too...this is tough stuff and sometimes a break can be a relief. Maybe you can find times for the two of you to just have some alone time around the house to recharge on your own.


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
Copeland
♂ Member
Member # 21005
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and BTW, you may need to remind him that while he was having the A, he had a pretty one-sided thing going...


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
doublesmom
♀ Member
Member # 21334
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I"m the BS- here are my questions:

1. Why- what was so supposedly terribe that you could not come and talk to me, you had to turn to someone you worked with?

2. Do you really love her after 4 weeks of communicating via cell phone?

3. why did you not want to work it out when I told you if there was someone else and you made a mistake I would forgive you? why did you say "there is nothing to discuss or save, we are done"

4. Why the lies, you played me for such an idot and destroyed my self esteem.

5. Now its as if me and the kids don't exist, you never call them, or ask to see them regularly, how can you just walk away after 6.5 years and act as if we were nothing to you.

6. Why wont you work on the issues you admit you have, why play this immature game of affairs and running away from responsibility?


Me(BS):39 Him(WS):39
D-Day: Jan 21/08 Divorced: Apr. 20/09
Twins: b/g 8yrs and two stepkids
KINGSLIME kicked another one to the curb!!!

Posts: 1157 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
kryvan
♀ Member
Member # 10174
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been 3yrs since the A. My WS doesn't want to talk about it. He still doesn't want to talk about it. I feel like I don't know him at all. Yes, we had another baby..and I'm living my life in a lie. I pretend he never slept with her. I pretend that I don't get jealous when he looks at other women or asks his guy friends if the waitress is wearing any underwear while I'm sitting right next to him.

I don't give him any affection at all. I cringed just thinking about it. He says he won't kiss me or try to make love to me till I do something first. But I can't... I don't know why. It's been 6 months since we had sex.

I want to talk about it. Why can he talk to other people about things, but he won't talk about this or whatever is on his mind??

I think I want out of this marriage. This isn't what I thought my life would be like. But I have a 3 month old, 8 yr old, and no place to go. I have no family around.

I may stay with him if he could just talk about it. How can I try to make him talk????


Me: FBS 2005/ WS 2013
H: WS 2005 / poss WS 2013-14
Daughters: 13 & 5

Found out: Oct 2 2005

They say marriages are made in heaven.But so is thunder and lightning.


Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2006
trying@heal
♀ New Member
Member # 21266
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Moving my question here.. I know my FWH is extremely embarrassed and ashamed of what he did and if he could take it back he would. My sitch is more short-term than most of you in that our marriage was very rocky already and the whole affair went from friend/co-workers to EA to PA all in about 8 weeks before I exposed everything to OWH and it ended. My question is if you could get love and support to help you quit hating yourself and enable your R to move forward what would you ask from BS or BP that would help. I feel like his guilt and hatred is holding up on our M getting past this.


It is what it is, now choose to make the best of it.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Oct 2008
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((kryvan))))

I am sorry that he hasn't talk to you about IT.

It's been 3yrs since the A. My WS doesn't want to talk about it. He still doesn't want to talk about it. I feel like I don't know him at all. Yes, we had another baby..and I'm living my life in a lie. I pretend he never slept with her. I pretend that I don't get jealous when he looks at other women or asks his guy friends if the waitress is wearing any underwear while I'm sitting right next to him.
I don't give him any affection at all. I cringed just thinking about it. He says he won't kiss me or try to make love to me till I do something first. But I can't... I don't know why. It's been 6 months since we had sex.

I want to talk about it. Why can he talk to other people about things, but he won't talk about this or whatever is on his mind??

I think I want out of this marriage. This isn't what I thought my life would be like. But I have a 3 month old, 8 yr old, and no place to go. I have no family around.

I may stay with him if he could just talk about it. How can I try to make him talk????


He is manipulating and emotionally abusing you. It is understandable that you withdrew from him physically. Have you tried MC? Have you tried 180?

Please put a healthy boundary for you and your children. No more pretending to him. Please.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Mourning123,

Anyway, my question is this...we've got another couple friend who are going through a similar situation. She is the WW and he is the BH. My WH & I are both feeling compelled to talk to them as they are in such an anger phase and filing for divorce as she is unwilling to try.

Any recommendations as to how to approach them? Really I guess how to approach her. The BH in this case would desperately try to salvage the marriage. I guess I'm just looking for input from WS's as to how they would feel about being approached from another couple dealing with these issues who are trying to make it work? Would you be offended, defensive, or welcome a friend in a similar situation?


If I was still foggy WS, I would be offended. I understand that you want to help friend. It is best to let her BH handle things. Has he tried 180 on his WW? Have you recommend joining SI to the BH?

Good luck.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

smile_it_helps,

Do you really forget about the ow? Do you really just totally block that part of your life out and never think of her? Do you think your wife thinks about the op every single day or do you think she forgets it too when it is not mentioned? Do you realize how much damage was actually caused to your wife or do you believe that it is in the past now?
Thanks and sorry if this has been asked

I don't know how far out you are from d-day, but I am 2 year out FWW.

I consider xOM as non existant in daily life. When I get the triggers ( or any reminders) bring me up sick feeling. I know that my BH sometimes still think about xOM and wonder if I still think of xOM and if I still compare with him.

Yes, there are similar questions in the earlier page of this thread. If you have time, please read.


ETA: I don't forget about PA, but it taught my body and mind to not have a desire to go there again.

[This message edited by beach at 12:05 PM, October 24th (Friday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi lostandafraid,

Question for any WS:
My WH and I are 2 months past D-day. He has been 100% N/C since that date.
He's always transparent, and most of the time, he's very remorseful and supportive. But there are times when he says that he feels like I'm using the A to control him and that at times my needs make him feel smothered. That sometimes he needs time to himself, even if I'm having a bad day and need extra reassurance. He says it's seems like everything is one sided and only about me - that while he had the A and takes full responsibility, that he still has needs and feelings too.
Is this a truly remorseful WS? Should he even be thinking about himself and his needs and feelings at two months post d-day?
Did other WS's feel this way and still truly want to R and make it work?

I am at 2 year past PA was ended. I had LTA. (however, mine was open to H for the entire time. PA became my feelings got attached to xOM)
Each couple is different, but My H wanted me to get over the xOM and that was the only request from my H for our R. In the mean time, I worked on grieving process (letting xOM go in my head). I then joined here and post my thoughts out (it was theraputic for me) and my H could read my thinking. It took me 3 months to get out of the withdrawal stage and then at the 6 months mark of total NC, I was feeling indifferent about xOM. At the 1 year mark, I consider xOM as non-existant. At the same time, I appreciate what I have, H's dynamic love. I also worked on my core problem (abandonment and codependency).

We are happily reconciled and I am grateful for my H. I hope this helps


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Copeland
♂ Member
Member # 21005
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi trying@heal-
If my BGF said "I'm 100% committed to making this R work, but you (WS) especially are gonna have to work your a$$ off to take care of your problems to make this work." I would jump for joy. No need to deny he's feeling horrible-he should. Just let him know that dealing with those feelings of shame are part of the working his a$$ off you expect of him.


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((doublesmom)))

I am sorry what you are going through. I am not ignoring your question, but wanted to say that my PA was open to H, so I am not qualified to answer your question. I hope other FWS can chime in here.

Hang in there.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Beach!!

Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mourning123, I meant to say that when I was in A, I didn't know that my life was fucked up.

When I confide in my closest friend and she told me that my lifestyle was fucked up, but I didn't even see what was wrong.
I was married, but I also acted as I was a single woman, too. So... I was confused myself and I had identity crisis. (Especially when it was open to H)

H was willing to give me D and that's when I started snapping out of it.

[This message edited by beach at 11:47 AM, October 24th (Friday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
kryvan
♀ Member
Member # 10174
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beach,

Yes, we went to MC. But I continue to see IC as well. My H went with me twice and once for IC and that's it. It's been 2 yrs since I seen IC or MC.
I have tried the 180. But it's hard doing the 180 when you live with him. I could try again. I didn't really see any reaction from him though. I think that's why I just quit doing it.


Me: FBS 2005/ WS 2013
H: WS 2005 / poss WS 2013-14
Daughters: 13 & 5

Found out: Oct 2 2005

They say marriages are made in heaven.But so is thunder and lightning.


Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2006
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