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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's
tothineownself
♀ Member
Member # 20158
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question:

Sorry if this has been asked before (I am sure that is has).

Why does my WH not trust me?

Is it because he lied so much to me?

Thank you for coming here to answer our questions. It really does help.


”This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”-Shakespeare-Hamlet
Forget the pants,( you weren't wearing them anyway!)
It's liar, liar SOUL's on FIRE!!

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: illinois
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheerfull_1 -

Could this be considered part of the fog?

Yup. We all have flaws. And there is no way anyone can keep up the "all good and no bad" feedback forever.

You mention he is living with the OW part time. Thus, he does not have to deal with the full time reality of a child who gets sick in the middle of the night. Of dealing with the service person who has to come during the day to perform a repair. Of having to be the one to get dinner on the table because OW had to work late.

In other words, he's still living in a fantasy world where he can participate when it's quite convenient for him. That won't change until he has to deal with the impact of a full time relationship.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Cheerfull_1
Member
Member # 18219
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank u listening.

I appreciate this. OW also has 2 girls, one almost a teenager and add to this 2 female roomates according to him. They've already had a # of fights, again according to him. Just to specify, part time living is every other day at her house, rest of the time at this parents. His plans are to move in at the end of the year (but in his eyes its NOT serious, explain that one to me). The D will be final in Nov, hence the move.


BS(me)-32
STBX(him)-32
DS- 9
1 Mo EA turned PA.

D-day 12/06/07,day b4 b-day admitted 2 wk EA.

Success is failure turned inside out.
"Illusion never changed into something real." Torn - Natalie Imbrulia.
Divored n Feb 09


Posts: 378 | Registered: Feb 2008
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, September 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tothine -

Why does my WH not trust me? Is it because he lied so much to me?

Perhaps in part. A bigger issue is that when a WS starts beating themselves up after D-Day, many will also make an assumption that there is no way their BS could ever forgive them. In some ways, they secretly hope their BS will have a revenge A, both evening out the scorecard and doling out the punishment they feel they deserve.

So the thought process goes something like I cheated - I destroyed her - I don't blame her for looking at someone else who can remain faithful - she probably will cheat on me just to get back at me - I have to watch things closely because I know she will have an A - and the cycle continues.

It doesn't make sense. But for some, it's their reality.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
hope2laughagain
♀ Member
Member # 18364
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, September 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listen,

Thank you for your response. He wants to be able to have friends from the past on facebook. While these aren't necessarily threats as they are just keeping in touch sort of thing, I am still in shaky territory in all this as I was so blindsided when he left last summer. He also wants to join a bowling and baseball league. These will need to be mostly coed because that is all he can get into at this time. That really threatens me. I know he has changed and become more aware of boundaries, etc. and he wants me to see him in these situations before I judge him to be a crimnal. He said he learned that he had boundary issues and will now be more aware of his actions and body language. He wants me to give him a chance. I felt I was so free with him before this and he could do whatever he wanted but now everythiing seems to be a threat to me. At least at this time. At the same rate, I don't want to be in a marriage of ditation or control, etc. I don't know how to keep from triggering about this things. It has caused alot of depression in me this last week. Any feedback will be appreciated. Thanks.


"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

ME(BS)- H(WS)
Married:8 years
EA:May 07-PA:July 07 (w/co-worker)
Recovered


Posts: 667 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: California
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, September 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hope2 - I understand your question a bit better now. In my case, I do have a Facebook account (I keep tabs on our oldest daughter through it). My own feeling would be it's ok provided a few boundaries are set. They are hard and fast rules that cannot be violated for any reason.

1. You also have a Facebook, and are made a friend to him so you have full view of his profile page.

2. Absolutely NO messaging! Anything "catching up" related can be posted on his Facebook wall. If it requires the privacy of a message, it is headed down the slippery slope and is off limits.

3. You get to have his ID and password so you can log in at any time and see that he has no messages. Over time, his actions will let you know if you can trust him or not.

On the activity front, I continue to sing in the Chorus I was in prior to the A. Granted, it's a Barbershop Harmony Chorus (all men) so that makes it a bit easier. But to help out, I have tried to make sure I am consistent with the schedule. I'd say the following rules would apply:

1. Go and have fun, but nothing before or after - period. If it starts at 7, leaving at 6:30 is ok. But leaving right from work when it's only 20 minutes away is not acceptable. After it's over (these leagues usually end at a specific time right?), he comes home. No going for drinks with the gang afterward. He's had his social time during the activity. If he feels it will cramp his style in the league (too bad, we brought this on ourselves), he can either show the group how much he loves his W by saying how much he needs to get back to you or to help out around the house or he can indicate he needs to get up early the next day for work.

2. If there is any deviation in schedule, even 5 minutes, he is to text and let you know. If our rehearsal runs long because we have a coach in doing extra work, I text my BW and let her know. I keep the texts coming pretty frequently until I am on my way home, and then she can time from then the time it takes me to get back.

3. You are allowed to go and watch at any time. If it's something you don't mind doing, try doing it together so you can share the fun. There are no reasons why you can't be present that have any justification. We become part of a team when we marry. Those that cry about how they need their "me time" can have it in the activity, but should enjoy it more when their spouse is able to appreciate it to. I love when my BW hears the Chorus sing, and she knows she is welcome to come on any given Monday night to hear us rehearse if she wishes.

4. Two leagues is too many, I'm afraid. Try one and see how it goes. Join two, and too much time is invested in things that are not helping you as a couple.

Just my $ .02 of course.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
NoLongerWantHim
♀ Member
Member # 19934
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, September 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's taken me 3 months to finally get the truth.

I am having a hard time getting FWH to understand that each time I learn something that differs from what he told me - it hurts more.

I had a great deal of detail from his "buddy" who was looking to have an A at the same time.

I got lies on the OW's age - she is 20 years younger than I am, her occupation, the fact that she most likely now lives within 5 miles of me.

Yesterday, he admitted he lied simply to spare me any additional hurt.

I finally told him that I simply wanted to sleep until the hurt was gone - or never wake up.

He heard that and understood that I am *not* ok.

I cried a lot, and he held me. And I told him that he hurt me - by not being truthful.

I need him to see what I'm going through - The nightmares, lack of sleep, and not eating are hurting me.

No more holding it in, to lessen his pain - I need to share my pain with him.

That's not cruel of me, is it?


Me & the kids are having the malignancy removed.

If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Where I want to be, on the road to the future
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, September 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NoLonger - not only is it not cruel, it's necessary for any healing between you to take place. He needs to know how you are feeling and what you are going through.

I know it can be hard, because for many of us we have had such eroded images of ourselves that then seeing the pain in our BS pushes us into a deeper despair. But hiding it is far worse. Just like hiding the truth does not protect a BS, hiding the impact of our actions does not help the WS. It leaves us more confused and simply delays us having to face our demons head on.

Keep sharing your pain, and when he starts to break down (making him needy and your natural reaction to "suck it up and support him"), remind him that you need him to be there for you. That he needs to work through IC and other channels to shore himself up so he can be there for you.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
hope2laughagain
♀ Member
Member # 18364
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, September 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listen,

Thank you for your words. I talked to my FWH about this last night and he said he would like it if I would go with him to the bowling alley. He is not trying to have his "own time", he just enjoys bowling. I have done that in the past, especially when we were dating. Back then, I did witness a few women being flirty with him (during the evening of drinking and having fun) but was never threatened, as I knew he was with and loved me. Now it is a threat. He does not drink however, and has given me permission to alert him if he fails to "get" that a woman is being flirty with him.

Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my concerns.


"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

ME(BS)- H(WS)
Married:8 years
EA:May 07-PA:July 07 (w/co-worker)
Recovered


Posts: 667 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: California
foralways
♀ Member
Member # 18642
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, September 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why would WS say I'm sorry, forgive me and give us a chance for the sake of our 24 yrs together and our wonderful kids, go to counseling and continue w A?


what's love got to do with it?
me BS 48 WH 49 M 24 yrs.
Children: awesome sons: 21& 23, amazing daughter 15
D day 2/11/08 - S 2/11/08
R working on it since 5/10/08
7/29/08 find out it was F R
filing for D 8/19/08~ filed 9/8/0
divorced 3/24/09

Posts: 1722 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Las Vegas
NoLongerWantHim
♀ Member
Member # 19934
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, September 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LC

thank you. I was running out of enough strength for both of us.


Me & the kids are having the malignancy removed.

If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Where I want to be, on the road to the future
roccodom
♀ Member
Member # 19714
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, September 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having serious problems with my husband's committment to getting through this. He has NC, transparent, etc. He is going to IC and we - MC.

My problem is - when I asked him "how do you think we get through this?" He said - I don't know - He hasn't thought about it.

He said - "No, I don't want to go to IC or MC but I do in order to get through this. Yes, I would just like it to go away."

He really doesn't want to know why it happened. He's in denial that his feeling for the OW weren't "real". Although he admits to not feeling that way about her now. He can't believe that he would have told himself he felt that way just to justify what he did.

I can't handle this 4 months out (the A lasted 3 months).

I have a problem with him not WANTED to solve this and only doing it because it's what he suppose to do.

Help me out.


BS - me (45) WS - him (45)
married 16 yrs (DS 11yrs, DD 9yrs)
#1 PA - DDay 12/97
#2 PA DDay 5/08
#3 PA DDay 2/12
Trying R
Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security.


Posts: 789 | Registered: May 2008 | From: MO
lilliolly
Member
Member # 19647
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, September 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

help i'm so confused!!

husband and i got back together mid july after he went off with ow for 8 weeks. when we got back togher he spoke about having another child with me, he could see us growing old together, he text my mum apologising what he'd put us all through and that he would never hurt me again and he would make it up to me.He said the ow was high maintenance,and got on his nerves, he missed us loads and never stopped loving me while he was with her!

Things were good for 8 weeks with us,husband cut off all contact with ow, we had a session of counselling.but this week i noticed a change in him. he did addmit that the ow had text him out of the blue,and they ended up meeting up. he was all set to try no contact again, but i have found out for myself that he is still in contact with her and has been seeing her. when i confronted him he said he thinks he is in love with her!!
I have kicked him out this time told him to sort his head out! he is having a counselling session this weekend, as he said he wants to sort himself out, he doesn't know what he wants!!surely he can't love this girl?? he was so set on getting us back?

lilliolly


Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2008 | From: England
learning25
♂ New Member
Member # 20911
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, September 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Newbie here. My WW has failed several times at NC since D-Day. She says the A is over....we are just "good friends" and she doesn't abandon friends. She knows that violating NC is wrong, but cannot stop (phone calls).

The OM is single and lives at home with his parents. My WW formed a tight bond with them as well. Friendship with OM began about 6 years ago and turned into an EA then PA in the last 1.5 years.

Found some downloaded internet material dated about a month before D-Day that was titled, "Can Men and Women Just be Friends?" There was also an entry in her diary detailing a big fight they had when she refused to stay for sex--dated several weeks later. Seems like their PA may have been on its decline.

My W is also in MLC, so having to deal with that fog along with the A-fog. She refuses any type of C. Needless to say, R is not likely in the near future.

Has any WS had the same problem with NC? What finally caused you to NC for good?

I've read that many BS here have successfully waited for their WS to find their way out of the fog. Any BS input would be welcomed. I am being advised to start the divorce process.

Currently detaching, 180 and GAL. Reading a lot and checking out several forums--this one is a keeper. Thanks for any help you can give me.

_____________________________

Me: BS 53 yrs., married 25 yrs.
WW: 54
Kids: Sons 19 & 16
D-Day: Feb. 9, 2008


Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2008
brokenhearted58
♀ Member
Member # 19997
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, September 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, you have prob answered this so many times before, but your thread is sooo long I am going to ask it again anyway.

My WAH had an A in May while in a sever D. He claims that it is over and that they are just friends now. In the begining he had no remorse for the A, but now feels very guilty. There was a time where H and I did not speak and things where very ugly between us. Within the last 4 weeks things have changed...we laugh and are friends again. He even leaves little gifts for me. He still says the ILYNILWY and that is the only reason he wants a D. He has NEVER claimed to have feelings for her.

Now I do not believe all WAS just wake up when Dday hits or they are served with D papers. I think there are some who come out of it slowly. For the ones who took longer, did you start to reconnect to your LBS by becoming friends and then the next thing you knew you were in love again?


Posts: 101 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: getting on
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, September 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Roccodom - I was still foggy for five months after D-Day (the EA was about four months long). To some extent, it felt like I was doing the things I "should" be doing - NC, IC, transparency, etc. Yet it was still clear R had not kicked into high gear.

We had a traumatic incident (BW found a concerning number on my cell bill and it took me a few hours to prove what it was) that ended up being the catalyst for me. That was the point I knew I had to make major changes, not just little adjustments, to heal.

It also forced me to look at how I was displaying my care for my BW. It's when The Five Love Languages became very real for me. I was working hard and feeling frustrated that we were not making progress. It wasn't until I saw that that work I was doing was the wrong work - it didn't match the way my BW receives love - that I was able to start showing her R in more effective ways.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 6:58 AM, September 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, you have prob answered this so many times before, but your thread is sooo long I am going to ask it again anyway.

Please take the time to read the entire thread before asking a question. The WS's are in here for your benefit...but they shouldn't be expected to answer the same question over and over again.

There is a wealth of information on this thread.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192147 | Registered: May 2002
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, September 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lilliolly -

surely he can't love this girl?? he was so set on getting us back?

Remember that an A is an addiction. An alcoholic can stay dry for a decade, then one drink and they are right back to the way they were before. A drug addict can avoid the stuff for 30 years, but one hit and they are hooked again.

Your WH was ok until NC was broken. It brought all the feelings of his high back to him again. And he is now once again addicted to his OW.

The only solution that breaks all of this is full on NC. Changing numbers, email, any tool OP might use to break down NC. It is very hard to to, especially early on. But it has to be done if the M has any chance of surviving.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, September 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Learning25 - While I went NC the week after D-Day, I understand the difficulty in doing so. I needed support to make it happen. Certainly my BW helped me a ton, even if it was simply letting me see the pain and hurt that would remind me of the result of blowing NC. But IC also made a big difference. Without it, and SI, I probably would not have been able to transition in NC at the pace I did.

It is something that a WS acts alone on. But I am convinced it cannot be done alone.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, September 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokenhearted - my experience was different. I am convinced I never "fell out of love" with my BW. My fog masked the feelings I had, but the strength of my love for her is what helped me pull my head out of my a$$ and turn things around.

I am guessing that since you say your WS indicates that they are "just friends" that NC is not in place. If that's true, there is a fundamental truth that exists:

Continued contact = continued fog

There is no way to know what his true feelings are, because he is still allowing the OP to influence his thinking. Unless that contact is broken, he will not be able to come around to know how he truly feels about you.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
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